Original subtitles

London. 1960.

And St. Swithin's stands

where it always has.

- What's the matter, Doctor? - Oh, nothing. I'm all right.

Well, you look like a stretcher case to me, mate.

You're beautiful, Nurse.

You're new here, aren't you?

You must let me show you round.

Are you off duty this evening, by any chance?

Fine. We'll have a little unveiling ceremony, shall we?

You're late, Richard.

What's the matter with you? You look like something off a marble slab.

- Oh, I'm all right. - Alcohol, Doctor, in excessive dosage?

You've just got time for a nice little chuck-up.

Go to blazes.

- You're late. - Yes, sir. I'm sorry, sir.

I don't like being kept waiting by house surgeons. You ought to know that.

What's the matter? You look like a dog's dinner. A decayed one at that.

- I'm all right, sir. - How's that kidney I yanked out yesterday?

As well as can be expected, sir.

- Not sure I like that remark. - Sorry, sir, I only...

Don't! I'm the finest kidney-yanker in Harley Street, and don't forget it. Sister!

- Yes, Sir Lancelot? - Where have you been lurking?

You're too old to be bashful. Leave it to probationers. Who's in charge of dressings?

- I am, Sir Lancelot. - Oh. Are you?

Well, don't go on shoving yards and yards of bandage under my nose like you did last time.

We're not in the embalming business!

And, Sister, for God's sake see I get the right-sized needle.

When I want to sew up a patient, I want to sew him up, not do embroidery on his navel.

You'll find everything's in order, Sir Lancelot.

I sincerely hope so.

I suppose you've all heard I'm retiring?

- I thought that'd shake you.

After 30 years in the butchery business, I've had enough. Someone else can take over the firm.

I'm sure we're all very sorry to hear it, Sir Lancelot.

Fiddlestick s, my good woman. You're all tickled pink. Aren't you, Dr. Burke?

Er, ye... No, sir.

Don't lie to me, Dr. Burke.

And while I still am in charge, oblige me by not fondling my theatre staff's buttock s.

Thank you. By the way, Hare...

Oh. Give him another one!

What the devil is the matter with you today?

Morning, Susan.

- Good morning, Doctor. - How's the occupational therapy?

- Wonderful! - You wouldn't like a private patient, I suppose?

The whole hospital knows your idea of occupation, Doctor.

- I just thought I'd see how you are. - Oh.

- Now, what's it say? - Oh, I'm all right.

102?!

That really is a hangover.

I didn't have a drink last night.

No? I'll tell you what, old man.

- Hm? - You're ill. You ought to see a doctor.

- Good Lord! - What?

It's half past eleven.

Psychosomatic, I'm sure of it. Inattention.

- What's on your mind, Richard? - Murder.

What did I tell you? Clear out and let me talk to him.

You psychos. This is a blood condition. It's obvious.

We'll take a pint or two out and get a squint at it.

- No, you don't! You're not taking my blood! - It's obvious he ought to have a barium meal.

- Barium meal? What for? - Dr. Spencer would want a barium meal.

Dr. Spencer would want a barium meal for a slipped disc.

- You must have a bottle somewhere, Richard. - Bottle? I'm not treating you lot to drink s!

Not a full one, an empty one. We ought to have a specimen. I'll find something.

- What's going on? - How did you know anything was going on?

It's all over the hospital. Can I help?

- You? You're a ruddy gynecologist. - Well, you never know.

When I'm changing my sex, I'll send you a postcard.

Keep your hair on.

- I'm keeping everything on! - Oh!

Could you just cough up a few dreams for us, Richard?

Good grief! Do you know something?

Either you're dead or I've got a puncture.

I don't care! Please go away and just leave me!

- You're just an ungrateful patient! - Please go!

Yes, all right. Don't push, cock, we all want a gander.

I say, I'm terribly sorry, sir.

What is this, the wake?

I'm a little off color, sir.

So I gather. I don't know what you feel like but you look positively revolting.

Yes, sir.

You seem to be surrounded by a number of my colleagues.

Possibly I might have the benefit of their opinions.

- Dr. Burke? - Er, well...

Yes, sir, erm...

I don't know, sir. There's...

There's a fever, and...

- a temperature of 102. - Coming up nicely to the boil, eh?

Yes, sir.

The patient complains of not feeling awfully well, sir.

So I've come to the conclusion

that he's definitely... ill.

Very concise and helpful. What about you, madam?

Oh, well...

I wouldn't like to commit myself without a test.

But I suspect a chronic duodenal ulcer.

It's all psychosomatic. The patient is the victim of inner tensions caused by who knows what.

Possibly an incestuous mother wish creating deep guilt feelings.

Hence the conflict. The patient feels nausea.

And not the only one to feel that around here at this moment.

Stick out your tongue.

Not you! You, Hare.

Most rash request of mine. Veil it decently, man.

Any of you other gentlemen care to enter the discussion?

Here we are. Just let the dog see the rabbit.

- Tell me, is your father still alive? - Yes, sir.

Is he a Chinaman?

Chinaman? No, sir.

h that case, it should be obvious, even to a stringhalt, spavined, one-eyed village chemist,

that the patient is suffering from jaundice, common yellow jaundice.

That'll be five guineas.

Good morning, good morning!

- How are you feeling? - Much better.

- Splendid. Now, would you like a nice book? - No, thank s. I've got one.

Oh...

Oh, good-oh.

Well, I'll be round again tomorrow.

- Are you having a nice rest? - Yes, yes.

That's the ticket.

Well, I'll push in again tomorrow and... see if I can tempt you.

Thank you.

Now... you'd like to make a nice pink bunny, wouldn't you?

I beg your pardon?

You take these pieces of felt and stitch them together. I'll show you how.

And there you have a nice pink bunny.

No, thank s very much. I really think I'd rather read.

Or I have some raffia.

You could make a pretty basket.

No, thank you.

Not a lovely basket?

No, thank you. All I want is to be left alone.

Oh, you are a crosspatch, aren't you?

I shall have to talk to Sister about you.

Basket!

- Would you like a bottle. Doctor? - Oh, for heaven's...

It's you.

How are you feeling?

Oh, fine, but bored stiff.

You poor lad. I could have brought you a much more interesting book than this.

I'm a bit short of the necessary.

- So am I. - Ah, yes, of course.

You've been here eight days now.

This is the time when the young male patients begin to feel their oats.

How are the nurses?

Hello.

Good evening.

I thought I'd just come over and give you the details of my case.

I'm afraid I've forgotten your name.

Florence Nightingale.

I'm terribly sorry. Is it really?

My mother was a nurse and she had a one-track mind.

- I'm known as Sally. - Sally.

Oughtn't you to be in bed?

Oh, Sister won't be back for hours. Here, let me do that.

We don't want you getting marge

over your lovely starched apron. Nurse.

Do you mind!

- Oh, hello. - What are you doing out of bed?

Well, being a member of the trade, I thought I could take a few liberties.

- I beg your pardon? - Have you met our new night nurse?

I know Nurse Nightingale very well.

- Hello, Sally. - Hello, Roger.

I'm awfully sorry. I didn't know you'd met.

Well, you're the doctor.

If I'm still awake, do come and talk to me...

after Dr. Hinxman has gone.

Now, look here, Sally.

There is a certain professional code...

Well, you've been ordered complete bed rest. No getting up at all.

Bed rest? Who said so?

Bed rest? Who said so?

- Dr. Hinxman. - But I'm practically cured.

Ours not to reason why, Doctor.

Yes, but bed rest. That means bed...

Yes, I'm afraid so. And three-hourly injections of vitamin C...

...and a diet of soya flour soup.

Soya flour?

Would you like some... barley water?

I'd love some.

How are you feeling tonight?

A little overexcited.

Have you got a temperature?

Yes, I rather think I have now.

I dreamt about you last night.

Did you?

No, you wouldn't let me.

There's someone coming!

That was a near thing.

- Sally? - Mm-hm?

When I get out of here, will you come to dinner with me one night?

I'd be careful if I were you.

Do say you'll come, Sally.

Just the two of us, like now.

No question of dodging muscle-bound clots of house doctors.

Clot?!

Oh, Sally.

"Oh, Sally"?

Huh!

I am not having any turpentine enemas!

- Oh? - No.

Well, better talk to Dr. Hinxman about that.

Yes. Now, what is all this damned nonsense?

You swine!

That's not a very professional way to address your colleague.

- I love Sally more than anything in the world. - So do I.

I intend to marry her.

So, as it happens, do I.

Now, look here, Har... Look har, Here...

I'm just an ordinary chap.

- I'm no screen lover, but... - Ha!

...but I love Sally, and if you try to...

Well, I won't damn well stand for it, do you hear?

And I won't damn well stand for this.

I shall complain to Spratt when he comes round.

Sir Lancelot, I have a complaint to make.

So have I. I left a poker school to come and see you. And I was winning too. How is he?

It's very good of you, sir, but really...

- Will you shut up! - He's very restless, sir.

We've tried all the usual sedatives but he's extremely resistant.

It's not that at all, sir!

Keep your trap shut. You know nothing about your case. No doctor does as a patient.

- But I'm perfectly well, sir! - As you see, sir, he definitely needs sedating.

I'll get the physician to give you something to knock you out.

And if you don't take it.

I'll give you something to make Sleeping Beauty look like a case of galloping insomnia!

- Come on, Hinxman. - Very good, sir.

Richard?

Richard?

Richard.

Oh!

But you can't! I mean, you can't marry a girl called Florence Nightingale.

- In fact, you can't marry anyone. - You watch me.

It's lechery. It's the starch, fight it. Have an injection.

- Buy some Indian clubs or something. - Tony, I love her.

We know all about that. But you'll be out of a job in a couple of week s. And so will I.

You won't be able to afford to have a wife.

You'll be lucky if you can afford a stethoscope, even on a party line.

Sally won't mind. Anyway, something will turn up.

We'd better go and get cleaned up for old Spratt's farewell party.

Let me put it another way.

On the occasion of his retirement,

I ask you to drink to the long life and happiness of Sir Lancelot and his gracious lady.

ALL Sir Lancelot!

Sir Lancelot and Lady Spratt.

Thank you, Mr. Dean.

Ladies and gentlemen.

Personally, I'm delighted to retire.

However. I've been asked to give advice to some of you young ones.

Get married as quickly as possible.

Most doctors marry nurses or other doctors or barmaids.

About the only women they meet socially.

It makes you respectable, saves you from amorous patients, prevents gossip,

gets your telephone answered and is something to do on your evenings off.

Where's Richard?

- What's up? - Sally.

She's gone off... with a man.

Besides, most men don't like a doctor mucking about with their wife

unless the doctor himself has a wife at home.

She left this morning.

Put her resignation into Matron's letter box and went.

- It must have been Godfrey, I suppose. - Godfrey?

The pilot with the virus pneumonia who was in last month.

Probably halfway to Rio by now.

Unless it was the BBC chap with the asthma.

He was keen on her.

No... the fellow with the shingles and the expense account.

Any other runners?

Plenty.

Well... there we are, then.

Just two scalps on a night nurse's belt.

Nicely starched, too.

Richard.

Spratt wants you.

Spratt's yelling for you. Go on.

Oh.

- You wanted me, sir? - Yes, Hare.

Let me introduce you to Dr. Cardew, a neighbor of mine in the country.

He's looking for a new assistant.

I told him you're the least incompetent of this cretinous bunch of nincompoops

- available at this slaughterhouse. - Thank you, sir.

- Do you ride horses? - Yes, a bit.

Oh, good. My present chap's a dear boy, but he's inseparable from his scooter.

I think they cohabit. Perhaps you'd care to dine with me at my club tonight and have a chat?

- I wouldn't need you for a few week s. - Thank you very much.

- Lancelot? - Good evening, Lady Spratt.

I think you ought to talk to Professor...

Your stomach's going to revel in that.

About another three week s, he said.

Well, take it.

How can I take it when my bleeding heart's broken?

You need to get away and relax.

I know just the place.

I'll go with you. Take your mind off Florence Deadly Nightshade.

It won't cost us a penny, either.

This is a fine ruddy place you've brought me to.

You were saying?

Good morning, ladies and gentlemen.

Do please sit down.

Now, for the benefit of you good people not already cognizant with the drill,

I intend to run the facts through for you quite briefly... Good morning.

Now, we here are endeavoring through various experiments

to pinpoint the causes of the common cold.

Do please listen to this.

Carefully. Everybody. It affects you all.

You will be subjected to the various cold viruses by means of inoculation and by other means.

And the results will be very carefully noted.

You will be segregated,

in pairs...

...by sexes.

And it is a strict rule that you talk to nobody but your roommate and the staff.

How about that?

You and me, artistic disrobers, priestesses of the nude...

We're just plain strippers, dear.

Common!

...being asked to appear as performing guinea pigs.

Well, it's free. At least we don't have to tramp around looking for a job for a fortnight.

Oww! Oh-oh! It's too hot!

- It's too hot! Get it off! - Turn it off!

Aagh!

Turn it off, we're freezing!

That's the spirit.

You're quite comfy.

Up, please.

I must say, one takes off one's hat to you two.

We've never had guinea pigs like you.

You must be terrifically resistant. There's not a sign of a cold.

- Awfully sorry. - You haven't come in here to be cold-free.

Personally, I've come here to be rent-free.

We must persevere, must we not?

- Block F now, I think, Professor. - Oh, yes, rather. Block F.

A most rewarding sight. 37 dripping noses.

Thank you.

- Good health. - Good health.

It tastes like something you'd sit in to get rid of a tattoo.

- Coal? - Coke?

Ice.

Oh, Christmas!

Doctors on the rocks.

Aagh, ooh!

Crikey! After this, they ought to make us honorary brass monkeys!

What a dump.

It's free. If you hadn't slapped that manager, we wouldn't have to be here.

I was engaged to pose in that place, not stooge for the comic.

Posing's artistic.

And I never caught a cold doing it and nor did you.

Well, I move about.

Besides, I wear more.

A couple of sequins, that's all.

Well, I'm bored.

I'm bored with nothing to look at except your ugly mug.

I resent that. But I know what you mean, though.

- We need new faces. - Female, preferably.

And why stop at faces? Look.

- Oh, yes. - But you know the rules.

I envy the doctors here. At least they can go to the flick s.

Well, we're doctors too.

Yes.

We're doctors too, old man.

The assistant said, "I'm not blaming anyone. "

- But I said, "I am. I'm blaming the fencer. " - Yes, I know. You told me.

Good after... noon.

I'm Dr. Burke and this is Dr. Hare.

Come in.

Excuse me.

I haven't seen you here before.

No, I've just come back off leave, actually, and my colleague here has only just joined the staff.

- Haven't you? - Hm? Oh... yes.

How are you, ladies?

- Fed up. - Oh.

Couldn't you play draughts or something?

We have enough draughts when we're working, thank you.

We'll have to see what we can do.

I brought something for you to take.

Oh, not more germs?

Nice ones, this time.

One more germ in me and they won't have room to park.

Smells like gin.

Gin? How extraordinary.

Doesn't it?

I couldn't tell if it was neat carbolic.

Yes, well, we often notice that. A bad head cold has the most extraordinary effect on the...

olfactory and gustatory nerves.

The what?

- The pong. - Oh.

Dr. Flower, come on!

Dr. Burke?

Still resisting strongly.

You know, you're the most beautiful girl I've ever clapped stethoscope on.

Silly!

No, I mean it. I mean it, honestly.

Now, tell me more about yourself.

Bare your soul.

My soul? No-one's ever asked to see that before!

- Do you like being a doctor? - Oh, yes.

What do you do?

Research, mostly.

Oh, how you must have suffered for your art.

It must have been dreadful giving six shows a day at The Windmill.

Oh, it was.

Just think, being stuck in that dreary place 12 hours nonstop.

I couldn't do anything, go anywhere.

You poor child.

Yes.

We used to call it "the prison without bras".

I... hope you're covered by insurance in your work.

It's about all we are covered by!

How's your cold?

Oh, I don't notice it. I'm getting tiddly!

You know... Dawn and me were fed to the teeth with this fortnight.

But things are looking up now.

And it's not over yet, darling.

Tell me...

Have you ever broken your clavicles?

- Broken? - Mm-hm.

They aren't breakable, are they?

No, darling...

No, your clavicles are your collarbones.

Oh, I see!

What do you do in your act?

- I'm a canary. - A what?

A canary. I come onto the stage all covered in feathers.

Then what?

I molt!

- Oh, Professor, excuse me. - Hello.

But there's something you ought to know.

It's about those young ladies. I was passing the hut and, er...

Oh, come on! Don't flab.

Well, I heard the most extraordinary noises.

And I rather got the impression that they're not isolated.

And this was thrown from the window.

Now, come on, girls.

Show us what you really do in the show.

I tell you, we can't.

- We haven't got our costumes here. - We'll imagine those.

We must have our costumes.

Oh, couldn't you make do with bottle tops or something?

Oh, don't be so inartistic!

Bottle tops!

I'm sorry. I was only trying to be helpful.

I suppose we could give them an idea.

That wouldn't be difficult.

Oh, come on.

You were the one who was feeling homesick. A workout would do you good.

Not in bottle tops, it wouldn't.

Well... you could find something.

Oh, all right.

But we'll have to get ready and rehearse.

Oh, of course. Of course.

Now turn round and don't look.

- Don't look. - Certainly.

- Where are you going? - We'll wait in here.

They need sterilizing.

Good afternoon, ladies. And how are we feeling?

- Never felt better. - Oh, really? With a cold?

What cold?

The wonderful new germs we've been having. Ritchie MacDarling.

PROFESSOR: Will you kindly explain?

Well...

May one ask where you ladies obtained this?

Never mind that. You're just in time for the show, darling.

- No, please. - Sit down. Oh, don't be shy. It's artistic.

The Rokeby Venus.

Dr. Flower.

- Isolate yourself this instant. - Yes, Professor, of course.

I insist on knowing where you got this from.

- Doctors brought it. - What doctors?

- I don't know. - You don't know?

Where are they now, might one ask?

Sterilizing themselves.

This is disgraceful.

It's monstrous! I have never known such crass infringement of the rules.

BOTH Crass infringement of the rules.

It's an orgy!

An orgy?!

At-choo!

Come on, darling.

Come and lie on the bed with us.

Isn't he gorgeous?

What depravity.

You evil men!

Get up, Dr. Flower.

- Stop this horseplay. - Oh, Professor.

I suppose you ladies realize that you've violated our strictest rule?

- We never touched him. - What are you going to do, report us to Equity?

Pack up, please, and leave the establishment instantly.

You've ruined our entire research on you.

Cut along, Dr. Flower, and adjust your dress.

Stop it!

Rokeby Venus!

Aberdeen Angus!

Good luck, cock.

- It's been lovely. - Bye-bye.

Hope the new show comes up to scratch.

As long as the audience don't, it'll be OK.

Watch out for the germs, doc.

- Bye-bye. - Oh. He's lovely.

Bye!

Bye!

It's Dr. Hare, isn't it?

- Yes. - We were expecting you.

- Dr. Cardew is in the study. - Oh, thank you.

At-choo!

- Have you got a cold, Doctor? - Just recovering.

Do you have injections? I always do.

Never a sniff the whole winter long.

I'm Wildewinde.

- You're what? - Wildewinde, it's my name.

You'll see a lot of me. I'm the receptionist, and the dispenser, and look after the forms.

A real universal aunt, as it were.

I do hope you'll be happy here, Doctor.

We are a pleasant little community, healthy too. Graveled soil, you know.

But we have enough to keep us busy.

Anything you want, but anything, just call for Wildewinde.

This way, Doctor.

- Dr. Hare, Doctor. - Do forgive me, I didn't hear the bell.

- Thank you, Wildewinde. Oh, this is Wildewinde. - The Doctor and I have already... broken the ice.

I really must apologize for Wildewinde.

I took him over with the furniture and never got round to dislodging him.

- He's rather dreadful, but he cleans leather well. - According to him, he does everything well.

Including getting plastered from time to time. But only very quietly on his days off. One hopes.

Have a look at those X-rays.

You'd never think that was the pelvic girdle of a field marshal, would you?

- Rather decorative in a way, aren't they? - He certainly cracked it.

Yes, poor chap. Run over by his own lawn mower.

Still, we'll have him leaping around in time.

Mrs. Blewer says lunch in ten minutes, sir.

Oh, and a Mrs. Tadwich rang up for attention.

Tadwich? Is she on the book s?

No, Doctor. A newcomer to the fold.

This afternoon I've got to cheer up the Field Marshal,

see the Hunt Secretary and be at the college hospital at four.

Quarter to, Doctor.

I think you'd better see that Tadwich, Richard, if you can bear to.

Nothing like breaking the ice, Wildewinde.

Mrs. Tadwich?

I'm Dr. Hare. You telephoned, I think.

Oh, yes.

Won't you come in?

Thank you.

I wasn't expecting you so early.

Well, we usually try and see our new patients first.

You live alone here?

Just R�n�e and I.

Mr. Tadwich left.

There's a divorce pending.

- Sorry. - Shall we go into the bedroom?

Er, no, I... I don't think that will be necessary, Mrs. Tadwich.

Now, then, what appears to be the trouble?

Well...

it's my heart, Doctor.

It's my heart.

I see. What are the symptoms?

Oh, I don't have symptoms, I have palpitations.

It's a problem heart, you know.

Really?

Well, that's what the specialist said.

I get this...

strange...

...tremor...

right in the middle of my chest.

- No other manifestation of the condition? - I'm sorry?

Oh, I mean, is that all?

They said at the hospital it wasn't serious, but...

well...

I'd like you to examine me.

Certainly, Mrs. Tadwich. But, you see, it's really not quite correct for me to...

That's all right, R�n�e's here.

Oh, well, in that case...

It sounds like an idiopathic condition to me, no cause for alarm.

That's good.

Well, I'm going to palpate the vibrations in your cardiac area first.

Oh, yes, I can feel a distinct thrill.

Well, we're all human, aren't we, Doctor?

How about coming round one evening for a drink?

- I really don't think so. - There's R�n�e outside.

Would you open the door for her?

Yes, certainly. I'll be glad of her presence.

Yes, when that dog walked in, I could feel the entire Medical Council breathing down my neck.

I don't blame you. It's happened to me. Very tricky, sometimes.

Still, you know the old rule.

It's all right to make a patient out of your mistress, but not a mistress out of your patient.

I'll remember that.

Of course... Another wig for Mr. Mencroft?

He must smoke them.

Of course, old Spratt was right the other evening. A doctor is safer if he's married.

- Have you ever been? - From time to time.

My present wife's in California.

Poor darling, she couldn't bear the smell of ether. She's got the smog now.

You should try marriage, Richard. It's quite enjoyable, you know, while it lasts.

- I've just recently been rather badly let down. - Oh, dear, I'm sorry.

There are plenty of pretty girls in this neighborhood if you want to try again.

Choose the one with the prettiest legs. It's as good a way as any.

An emergency case, Doctor.

- Mrs. Mimp's little boy in the surgery. - What's wrong?

He's lost his head.

Oh, what have I said?

Now, just you sit quiet till the doctor comes, or I'll give you such a smack.

What do you say? Speak up, I can't hear you.

You're running him in blinkers this season, I see, Mrs. Mimp.

We've tried everything, Doctor.

- How did he get in? - He's a greedy little boy. Always was.

May I suggest a tin opener, sir?

Look s like a plumbing job to me.

Carry on, Richard. I've got an idea.

All right.

Now, then, Wildewinde, you hold the neck of the bottle.

Ow.

Ooh.

Then after I'd got rid of the pimples, I got the hot flushes.

And then to top it all, I woke up one morning and my voice had broken.

Yes, but surely, Mr. Green, all this happened when you were a boy?

Oh, no, last week.

- Last week? - Yes.

How old are you, Mr. Green?

28. And I'm right, aren't I, Doctor? It's arrived, hasn't it?

- What? - Manhood.

- Well... - I thought so.

When my landlady's daughter brings me up my early morning tea, I get a very funny feeling.

Yes, well, I shouldn't worry about that, Mr. Green.

I'll give you a tonic.

Now. Can you come round this evening and collect it?

Yes, Doctor, but not after seven, because I'm taking my landlady's daughter on a ramble.

On second thoughts, I think I'll make that a sedative.

Right, now remember, Mr. Green, take it easy. You're not very strong, you know.

Oh, no.

No, that's right... I'm not. Thank you, Doctor.

- Goodbye. - Goodbye.

Wildewinde?

Coming, Doctor!

Make this up for Mr. Green, will you, please?

Good heavens!

- What's the matter? - I can read it.

The first time in 15 years. Congratulations, Doctor.

Wildewinde, I'm off to the hospital.

Has Lord Cornbilly's truss arrived yet?

On your desk, sir, with the seed catalogue you ordered.

- Anything new, Richard? - No, but there's a call for you from California

- at 4.30 this afternoon. - California?

Yeah.

Put the truss in the bus, Wildewinde.

Oh, yes, sir.

My dear, I really have only the haziest notion of what you've been saying for the last 20 minutes.

Perhaps it's the smog your end.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Try turning the telephone round the other way.

Look, I think I'd better fly out.

I'll cable you.

All right. Goodbye, my dear.

Poor thing. She was never very articulate at the best of times.

Are you going away?

I think I must.

She's in some hopeless muddle about our divorce.

Will you be away long?

Some week s, I'm afraid. Do you think you can manage?

- Well, I'll do my best. - There's nothing much on...

except the Field Marshal, and he only needs his hand holding from time to time.

We'll get you an assistant. I'll ring the hospitals now.

Oh, I'll go. Wildewinde's out.

- I want a London call, please. - London?

Finish your sandwich first.

Good evening, Doctor. I'm collecting for the county hospital.

- Tony! - Got any women patients you don't want?

Still living up to your name, I see. Do you want a job?

- A job? Well... - Come on in, you've got one. Down here.

Could the doctor see a nasty nosebleed?

Ohh! I wish you wouldn't do that, Doctor!

I nearly dropped my forceps.

Wildewinde, nip into the dispensary and fix me up with a nice gin and bismuth, will you?

- Certainly not, Doctor! - Wildewinde...

here are the forms.

How are things today?

A bronchitis, a couple of impetigo, measles... and a puncture.

A lumbar puncture?

No, a nearside front puncture.

My old bus has just about had it.

- How's trade here? Oh, a bit slackish.

You know, you've got to attract the customers, just like any other business.

How about putting an ad in the local rag?

"Handsome young doctor wishes to meet attractive female patient

with a view to an operation. "

- Doctor, think of the ethics! - To hell with the ethics. Think of the fun!

"Madam, if your appendix isn't doing anything on Saturday evening, I'd love to take it out. "

I'm not kidding. Really.

We do need a gimmick of some kind.

- Such as? - I don't know.

How about putting Wildewinde in the window with a beautiful hand-sewn scar on his tum?

That ought to bring 'em in.

Now I have dropped my forceps!

Dr. Hare?

Yes?

Here she is, sir. Lovely job, eh?

It's beautiful.

Perhaps you'd like a run-around in her, see the performance?

That's very kind, but I don't really...

I congratulate you on your choice, sir.

What's money when it's a job like this, eh?

What indeed?

My choice?

- Ordered in your name, sir. - I never ordered this!

Come, sir, it's too late to have second thoughts. I have documents here.

Just a minute, I'll be right back.

- Dr. Hare? - Get all this stuff out of here!

Out? But that other doctor ordered it!

What the devil?

What's going on here?

Doctor's orders, sir.

Tony!

What do you think of it, eh? American methods. Give the place some zing.

Would you mind signing that, please?

- Very nice. What about that car outside? - It's come, has it? Oh, good.

It'll add an air to the practice, don't you think?

All we need is a nice sexy receptionist and we're all set.

Set for what, bankruptcy? Have you any idea what these things cost?

- Sexy receptionists? - No, you stupid idiot, the car!

You don't have to worry about things like that. We'll get it off the income tax.

Tony, have you got any idea what the income of this practice is?

You're being a bit reactionary, aren't you?

- It's fatal for a young doctor. - Look here, Tony...

Wildewinde?

You're not leaving. Are you?

I am indeed, Doctor.

I will stay no longer in a practice where this sort of thing is attached to my door.

Ooh, this is much better than the Palais.

Yes, it's certainly more intimate.

I didn't think doctors did this sort of thing.

Well, given half a chance, doctors will do every sort of thing.

Saucy!

Do you like me, Kitten?

Yes, I do. Your cha-cha's real cool.

Oh. You know, you're wasted in a shop like...

Jennifer Modes?

Yes, we must find something more worthy for you.

Excuse me, Doctor, you're wanted on the phone.

- Thank you. - Not at all.

Hello, Burke here. No, no, Dr. Burke.

Good evening, Doctor. I believe you are on the rota as police surgeon this week.

Oh, am I? Well, if you say so.

We traced you from your home. We've got a case here...

Drunk!

That... is a slanderous statement!

I'm wanted by the police.

- Why, what have you done? - Well, nothing yet... unfortunately.

You stay there. I'll be back.

Don't talk to a soul.

I'll run over you for fingerprints when I return.

He was being most difficult in the high street, sir. The constable simply had to bring him in.

I was merely expressing a desire...

to see my dear old mother!

You were... to music.

I happen to be possessed of a true countertenor voice.

I could make a fortune on the telly.

All right, thank you. Just keep blowing. Keep blowing, sir.

I wish to see... my own medical attendant.

- All right, sir. Dr. Hare will be here in a minute. - Dr. Hare?

Here you are, Doctor. Now you test it for alcoholic content.

Oh.

Doctor!

What have you been drinking, Wildewinde?

Esso Extra?

The Leith Police dismisseth us.

What?

The Leith Police dismisseth us.

It's the next test.

Try it, Doctor.

The Leith Polith...

These Police...

The Leith Polith...

Ahem.

Wildewinde, I'm supposed to be examining you.

And now the finger test.

Watch, everyone.

BURKE Jolly good.

Dead centre.

And I did not peep.

What next, Doctor?

And now we go walkie-walkies.

Wildewinde knows.

BURKE See, Wildewinde knows.

That's awfully good, Wildewinde.

I can do better than that.

Watch.

Sir, come down!

Shush.

Oh, Doctor!

Thank goodness you've come.

They all think Wildewinde's intoxicated.

And is he?

Look, Richard! No hands.

Sir!

Tony, come down!

Tony, you're going to hurt yourself.

Careful, you're going to break something!

Tony!

No, George, I didn't fire him and he didn't quit.

He's in hospital with a broken arm.

Well, can't you please send me an assistant before I go clean round the bend?

I can't think of anyone from here, but I'll scout around the others and see.

Any particular kind?

If he's qualified and has reasonable ethics...

All right, then. You'll do your best, George?

Yes, thanks. Bye.

Oh.

Would you... Would you mind waiting in the waiting room?

- I'm not a patient. I want to see the doctor. - Well, that's me.

No, the other one with the bow tie and the hot eyes.

Oh, you mean Dr. Burke? I'm afraid he's temporarily unavailable.

What a shame. When I met him at the club, he told me there was a receptionist job going.

Did he?

As a matter of fact, there is.

Tell me, what are your qualifications, Miss...?

Strudwick. Well, I'm a very good secretary and I'm learning to type.

I've been with Jennifer Modes for a year.

I see.

Well, do sit down, Miss Strudwick.

Now you want to make a change, is that it? There's nothing like variety.

The other doctor said it was living in. He said it would be nice for him to have me in easy reach.

In case of emergencies.

Yes, I see.

Come back next week, Mr. Luke.

You bet I will, Doctor!

Next patient, please.

One at a time, please.

- Telephone, Doctor. - Thank you.

Excuse me.

Hello?

Yes, this is Doctor Barrington.

Yes, I do want some experience in general practice.

How do I know I'd be right for him?

An African witch doctor would be all right from the way he's talking.

I'll give you the address and you can let him know. As soon as you can make it.

All right.

Bye.

I said next week, Mr. Luke.

Couldn't I come before? You're doing me the power of good, Doctor.

I'm afraid I shan't be here.

Oh? Who will be, then?

Dr. Harvey will look after you.

Dr. Harvey?

Next patient, please.

I think you'll find it's all pretty simple.

h here we keep the patients' file cards.

You fill in a new card for each new patient and keep it up to date.

And in here we have the application blank s for...

oh, glasses, teeth, wigs and appliances.

Quite a palaver, isn't it?

Well, I'm sure you'll quite soon get the hang of it.

And in here, we have the secret and confidential files.

Yes, well...

Dr. Burke was very interested in anatomy.

Yes, wasn't he? You wouldn't know he was a doctor.

But I ought to have guessed. He had such lovely soft hands...

when he cha-cha'd.

Yes.

Well, now, let's get on, Miss Strudwick.

Why don't you call me Kitten? Everyone does.

Oh, I think for professional reasons we'll keep it as Miss Strudwick.

You're one of the shy sort, aren't you? Not like Dr. Burke.

Yes.

- Well, time for surgery. - Oh.

- Oh, a telegram arrived for you over the phone. - Oh. Yes?

"Arriving 545 tomorrow to act as assistant if agreeable...

- Thank goodness. ... Nicholas Barrington. " Nicholas.

Mmm, I like that name.

Oh, good. Well, perhaps he cha-cha-chas.

Yeah.

Oh, good afternoon.

I have an appointment with the other doctor.

- Me too. - So do I.

Really? Oh, I bet you cha-cha-cha.

Cha-cha-cha? Yes.

Well, I'm awfully sorry, ladies, but I'm afraid the job's gone. So has the other doctor.

But I can cha-cha!

Terribly sorry. So sorry.

One job, one girl. That's the way it is. I'm terribly sorry.

- But the job really has gone.

Oh, no. Not another one!

I'm afraid you've wasted your time. The job's gone.

- Gone? - Yes, it's Dr. Burke's fault. He's left, too.

- Awfully sorry. - But I've come from London!

London? What's he playing at?

I don't know. I've never met him.

Never m... Oh, but don't you cha-cha-cha?

Cha-cha-cha?

Sometimes, at hospital dances.

Oh.

Oh, dear. You've come instead of Dr. Barrington.

No.

No?

I am.

You... Nicholas?

Nicola.

Oh... Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

Oh, don't worry. It's always happening.

When I arrived as a student at St. Savior�s,

they put me down for a lodge meeting and a rugger trial.

Do you mind a woman assistant?

No, not at all. Would you like a cigarette?

It's all right, I...

- have my own. - Yes, I'm sure you have.

Well, now, my boss, Dr. Cardew, is away in California for the time being.

You'll have his room and there's a secretary who lives in, too.

Are you married?

No. When do we start?

- Start? - Work.

Oh, yes, work. Well, right away.

Oh, well, just give me a second to unpack.

I'm sorry, I didn't know you had company.

Er, Miss Strudwick, Dr. Barrington.

And I'm the minister of health!

Pleased to meet you.

You know, you're making quite a hit in this town.

All the patients are asking for you.

Yes, but most of them are men and they want to examine me.

They look on me as some sort of freak.

Oh, I wouldn't call you that.

Well, women doctors are still rather novelties.

Yes, I expect there's a bit of gossip.

Anyway, that's why I want to go halves tonight.

Let's have dinner and I'll tell you about my symptoms.

Symptoms? What symptoms?

Well...

...every time I look into your eyes, I have an irresistible desire to kiss you.

What do you think I should do about that?

Well, good night.

Good night, Nicky. I enjoyed that.

So did I.

- Very much. - We must do it again.

On the National Health next time.

Good night.

Good night.

I thought you might like to see the new copy of The Lancet.

Oh. Thank you.

Just in case you can't sleep.

I shall sleep.

Well, I don't feel very sleepy.

Try.

You've got to work tomorrow.

- Yes. - Good night.

Night.

Oh, er...

you haven't such a thing as a sleeping pill, have you?

There are lots in the drug cupboard.

Yes, I know, but I... I seem to have lost my key.

Oh. Well, I've got some Aspro.

Oh, they'll be fine.

- It's a... nuisance when you can't sleep, isn't it? - Mm.

I thought I might make myself a hot drink later.

- Good idea. - Would you like one now?

No, thank s.

- Here you are. - Oh.

Thank you.

- Did... Did you read that Lancet? - Not yet.

There's an article in it on heart stimulation.

I'd like to discuss it with you.

Fine... in the morning.

Yes. Well, er... good night.

Good night.

Night.

Mmm...

Oh...

Come in.

I saw your light was still on.

What is it?

I was wondering if you had such a thing as a saucepan.

No. What for?

Well, I wanted to make myself that hot drink and I can't find one.

Well, there must be one in the kitchen somewhere.

I can't see one.

Oh, all right.

I'll come and look.

Will you? Thank you very much.

I'm... I'm sorry to trouble you.

It's all right.

Your insomnia's rather sudden, isn't it?

- Oh, no, I'm a... I'm a martyr to it. - Hm.

I'll make a couple of drink s and bring you up one, shall I?

An early morning cup of tea would be more suitable.

- Well, whatever you like. - There must be a saucepan somewhere.

You'd think so, but I can't find one anywhere.

Are you quite sure you looked?

I'm so sorry to trouble you at this time of night, Doctor, but he's done it again.

Your problem is solved.

Good night, Doctor.

All right, Mrs. Mason, don't worry. I'll come round later this evening.

- Yes, goodbye. - Would you see Harold, please?

Mr. Harold Green, I mean.

Who? Oh, yes. Er... in the surgery, please.

No, I think here would be better.

He's got something on his mind.

Oh. Hello, Mr. Green.

All right, thank you, Miss Strudwick.

Oh, I think he'd rather I stayed.

You see, we're getting married.

So I've got to know the worst.

- Well, congratulations. - Thank you very much, Doctor.

- I suppose it means you'll want to leave us now. - When it's convenient.

Harold would like to talk to you, Doctor.

Yes, of course. Do sit down.

Thank you, Doctor.

Well, um... I would like for you to give my spouse and self a talk.

A talk?

Yes... a frank talk.

Oh, you mean about...

Yes.

Well, I'd have thought that your espoused

was more qualified... I mean...

We're all ears, Doctor.

Well, as you know, in marriage there's a man and a woman and possibly children.

- There's nothing to it, really. - But I'm naturally concerned about our relations.

I don't think they'd worry about a few children.

Oh, I wasn't referring to those relations, Doctor.

Oh, no. Quite. Well, there's some very good books on the subject.

I know a couple who read one of those.

Didn't they find it helpful?

All I know is, the man turned up to work the next day with a fractured ankle.

Yes. Well, you have to follow the instructions rather carefully.

As a matter of fact, I think we have some excellent literature on the subject over here.

It puts things very clearly.

Oh. Excuse me.

I think this tells you all you need to know.

Thank you.

Hello? Yes?

Yes, all right. I'll be round this evening.

Oh! Oh, no!

Goodbye.

I don't think Harold's quite ready for this yet, Doctor.

- I'm frightfully sorry. - Oh!

Wagstaff Hall, Cornwall Street. Now, where the devil is that?

Leave it to me, dear.

Why you want to let me in for attending this damn lecture I don't know.

I should be pruning the roses.

I was thinking of the roses, dear.

You're apt to confuse pruning with amputating.

Mind that damn bus, woman!

Bar's open.

It's just over there.

I'll pick you up when I've done my shopping.

All right, dear. And while you're at it, get a case of Glen Grant whisky. I shall need reviving.

I'll do nothing of the sort.

- Hello, Billet. - Hello, Lancelot.

- I didn't think this was your meat. - Well, I... They say...

I hope they've got something interesting. I didn't come all this way for kindergarten stuff.

Excuse me, gentlemen.

Excuse me, sir, are you a member?

Member? I'm a member of everything, though God knows why at my age.

May I see your card, then, sir?

I'm Sir Lancelot Spratt, past president of the Royal College of Surgeons. I don't carry cards.

A doctor? Well, is somebody ill, sir?

There'll be somebody at the gates of death hammering for admission if you don't let me in.

Cor, you ain't half got a big head.

- I know you. You're Burke. - Yes, sir.

Since when did you take an interest in this sort of thing?

Since I was a very little boy, I think, sir.

I'm surprised to see you.

I'm a bit surprised to see you, sir.

How did you do that?

I lost my balance, sir.

Hm.

I don't see any of the familiar faces here.

Usually these lectures are crammed with the whole General Medical Council.

May I say how gratifying it is to see such a large and distinguished gathering here today?

I miss one or two faces, but no doubt urgent business has prevented them from coming.

What time's this damn thing start? I could do with a drink.

I think that may be a good idea, sir.

It's very civilized having a bar. I can see myself enjoying this.

I very much hope you're right, sir.

Good God! Where the hell am I?

The Haystack, sir. It's a club.

I can see it's not a Women's Institute.

Now, before I show these slides which illustrate our discovery,

I should just like to sketch in the background of my work which led up to it.

And now The Haystack Club takes great pleasure in presenting

the lovely, luscious, lovable Leonora,

in famous pictures by famous painters.

First, The Rokeby Venus...

by Vel�zquez.

I know you.

Oi! Where do you think you're going?

I sliced you up at St. Swithin's a couple of years ago.

- I never forget a face. - Why, it's Sir Lancelot.

Well, isn't it nice?

MAN Chuck him out!

Silence!

Haven't you got any manners?

What puzzles me is what you've done with the scar.

There's no scar, Sir Lancelot. It was my tonsils you took out.

So it was.

Very good thing for you in your job!

Sir... young man...

It's all right, keep calm. Just a routine check on membership.

The police!

Quick, this way.

Put her down! You're not a paid-up member. Come on.

There's a street door on the other side. We'll show you.

Beasts such as these distinguished highland gentlemen were often pursued

by hairy old monsters like these.

Bravo!

Breathing better, aren't I, Doctor?

All right, get dressed.

Hello? Oh, hello, Nicky.

Oh, Richard, I'm glad you're there.

Listen, I'm up in New Town.

Well, there's a case up here, a child.

No, it's pretty serious.

Can you come and have a look?

Yes, all right. What's the address?

- Well? - Temperature's up.

- To what? - 104.

Is he vomiting?

Mm. He started a little while ago.

Well, there's a chap called Deakin who's been working on a new serum.

It's not generally available yet.

- I'll have to telephone to London. - OK.

All right.

I'm glad you called me, Nicky.

I'm afraid your little boy's rather ill, Mrs. Parker.

But he's... He's going to be all right, isn't he, Doctor?

Well, children have a great deal of resistance.

It's probably only flu. These damn schools don't look after 'em.

No, I'm afraid it's rather more serious than that.

Well, you're a doctor, aren't you?

Well, do something, then.

But I've got to have it, sir.

Yes, I know, but Dr. Deakin's out of England now.

Look, sir, this is a very urgent case.

I appreciate that you think that, Dr. Hare.

But this particular drug is highly dangerous.

I cannot accept the responsibility of releasing it without Dr. Deakin's approval.

I suggest you try and contact him. Good night.

But, Dr. Mincing, I...

Hello?

Mincing? Yes, I know the perisher. One of the Creator's less appetizing efforts.

What do you want me to do about it all?

If you could speak to him, sir, use your influence.

Can't any of you get it into your heads I've retired?

There's no need to shout, Lancelot.

The servants know.

Well, thank God somebody does.

This new drug... I haven't bothered to keep up with them all, too busy. Will it work?

I don't know, sir. It's the only hope.

You realize you may be making a bloody fool of yourself? I don't mind that.

But you may be asking me to make a fool of myself!

I know, sir, but I'm thinking about the patient. I don't care about anything else.

Very well. And heaven help you if you're wrong.

- I've got his telephone number here, sir. - I don't need it. I'll play this my own way.

- Where's the key to the garage? - Where it always is.

May I remind you that we've got the Lord Lieutenant coming to dinner?

Oh, tell the old fool I've bust my braces and gone to bed. Come on, Hare.

Keep your ruddy Russian salad off the Queen's highway, you blasted oaf!

I've already told Dr. Hare the drug is still on the experimental list.

If you'd care to try and contact Dr. Deakin, you may use this telephone.

He's gadding about on the continent. This is urgent.

- I cannot release it without authority. - I'm giving you it!

I'm afraid that's hardly sufficient, Sir Lancelot.

May I remind you you've retired?

A great loss to medicine, I'm sure. But no doubt you felt

that it was necessary to give way to younger men.

I want that drug, Mincing.

I've already given you the explanation, Sir Lancelot.

I have an overwhelming desire, Mincing, to lay you flat and slit your throat and I may yield to it!

If you threaten me, Sir Lancelot, I shall be compelled to have you removed, by the police.

The police, you miserable wet nurse? They'd help me sharpen the knife!

But the attendant publicity wouldn't be very agreeable.

That is, of course, so.

To call the operator, just ask for Continental Enquiries.

Thank you.

Give me Fleet Street 8000, the night editor, please.

When you reach my age, with one foot in the grave, publicity doesn't mean anything.

But for a younger man...

Just a moment, Sir Lancelot.

Ever noticed how the press are inclined to pull out all the stops for a sick child?

- This is hardly ethical, Sir Lancelot. - I gave that up when I retired. It's a great relief.

Hello, Cudliffe? Lancelot Spratt. How's the ulcer?

Good. Now, listen.

There's a ca...

Get out of my lap! This isn't a necking party.

There's a red light, sir.

I haven't stopped at a red light since Port Said in 1920.

I have to warn you there are certain risk s attached to this.

I need your permission to try.

- Well, of course, Doctor. - Thank you.

- Well, I don't like it. - Oh, for God's sake!

They're just mucking about.

I'll make a complaint about this. That kid should be in hospital.

All you doctors are the same. Using the kid as a ruddy guinea pig.

Now, you listen to me, Parker.

While you and I are talking in here, your son's dying.

Now, I think that this can save him.

If I'm wrong, you can make it as hot for me as you like afterwards.

But it won't bring him back.

There's just a chance that this can help.

I wish I didn't have to ask for your permission to give him this injection, but I do.

So I'll ask you once more. Do I have it?

Oh, all right.

Do what you like.

Well, we won't be absolutely certain for another couple of hours.

You may as well go home and try and get some rest.

- OK. - I predict he'll go to sleep now.

Aah!

I am so sorry. I hope I didn't hurt you.

- What do you want? - Well, actually, I rather wanted to go to bed.

I'm afraid there's really nothing for you to steal here.

Oh, I don't know. There are a couple of pictures and the silver's not bad.

Kitten!

- What are you doing? - Calling the police.

Stay where you are. And don't make a run for it.

My dear girl, I've been on the run for week s. I'm exhausted.

You don't look like a burglar.

Perhaps it's the suntan.

Where did you pick it up?

California.

You're an international operator.

Hello? - Police?

Hello, hello?

California?

What is this?

Who's speaking?

I'm most terribly sorry, it's a false alarm.

I thought I had a burglar.

You're Dr. Cardew.

And I'm in... your bed.

I assure you, I can't think of a nicer place for you.

Oh. Well, we weren't expecting you, you see.

I'm Nicola Barrington.

And I help Richard.

Lucky Richard.

Oh, no. No, I...

I mean that...

What's the matter?

Well, you are an old sly boots, aren't you?

It's all right, Kitten. He... He's Dr. Cardew.

Good morning, and whom do you help? Dr. Burke?

No, he's gone.

Not Wildewinde, unless times have changed?

Wildewinde's gone, too.

Took off on his broomstick at last, did he?

What a relief.

It's all right. His temperature's down and he's sleeping.

Oh, thank God!

Good morning, Richard.

Oh, Clive, you're back.

Oh, this is my fianc�e.

Thank goodness!

It was wearing me out!

I want to hire a wedding outfit.

Yes, sir. Will you take the cubicle at the end, sir, and I'll send an assistant?

- Thank you. - Mr. Fordyce?

The trousers are a little tight, my lord.

And what medals shall we put on, General? The lot?

I'm afraid that is all the crowns we have, Your Highness.

TONY: Not bad. Haven't you got something a bit gayer?

That's the correct one for a fellow of the Royal College of Surgeons, sir.

- Richard! - Tony.

Well, congratulations. I didn't know they'd made you a fellow.

Oh, it's...

What about one of those gold tassel jobs with whatnots and things?

Yes, sir, but that's worn only by the presidents.

Ah, well, let's have a gander at it.

Eh, what? They haven't made me a fellow, actually.

But I've been asked to conversazione by an American professor.

A lovely thing she is, too. Stack s of money and impressionable with it.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, yes!

Oh, yes!

That should do the trick, all right.

- Room to hide a bottle under it, too. - Should fool anyone.

Yeah. Do you think so?

What are you doing here, anyway?

- Hiring a wedding outfit. - Oh? Who's getting married?

I am. To your successor.

What?

You mustn't do a thing like that. A woman doctor?

I can just see her now.

Steel-rimmed glasses and buck teeth.

- Oh, Tony. - I know, and think!

You'd better come to Hampton Cross and meet her. She'll be there this weekend.

I think I better had. You need life-saving!

And you need a morning suit. You're going to be best man.

I say, excuse me...

Well, think it over. This practice could do with a woman doctor.

You could hold the Field Marshal's hand for a change.

Do you think married doctors working together would do?

- Well, why ever not? - I was only wondering.

There's an answer to your advert. The one to take the place of me.

I've put her in the surgery.

Do the exploratory, will you, Richard? I'm not decent.

Yes, all right.

So sorry...

- Good Lord! Sally. - Richard!

But you're not after this job?

- Yes. - Why?

Well, I live quite near here. Jobs are difficult to get for an unfrocked nurse.

- W-What about that pilot? - What pilot?

Well, Hinxman said that you'd gone off with a pilot... or a BBC chap.

Nothing so exciting.

I was sacked. Matron said I was too friendly with the patients.

Oh, I'm sorry. It's my fault, I'm afraid.

Well, I asked for it, I suppose.

I don't really know very much about Richard.

About his past, anyway.

Well, I wouldn't say he was an actual Jack the Ripper, would you?

No, but it would be nice to know if there are any skeletons about.

Sally, do you think you could develop amnesia about that little affair?

Don't worry, it's a job I want now.

Well, then, you can have it.

How marvelous! But shouldn't you ask your partner first?

Well, he's... he's not here at the moment. You call by on Monday and I'll fix it all up.

Oh, thank you, Richard. You are a dear.

The investigation's taking rather a long time, isn't it?

We must have the right girl.

- Well? - Oh, I think she'll do.

- She's coming on Monday. - What's her name?

Florence Nightingale.

Oh, really, Ri...

She's just a girl. Won't need to supply her with a lamp.

We don't need a lamp to see the lipstick on your cheek.

Oh.

Well... she was very grateful for what I'd done.

What exactly had you done?

- Oh, Nicky... - Well?

Hello, sir. I just bumped into Florence Nightingale. What's she doing here?

You're not engaged to her again, Richard?

No, this is my fianc�e. Tony Burke.

Is it, indeed?

Well, well, well.

What a pleasant surprise.

May I kiss the bride?

- The best man's prerogative. - Certainly not.

Of course you may.

Oh, I must congratulate you, Richard.

Your taste has improved immeasurably since the old days.

When I think of the bits you used to take around

when we were at St. Swithin's. I mean...

Tell us about the bits, Dr. Burke.

Tony, please.

I want you to always think of me as an old, old friend of the family.

- Shall we dance? - Thank you.

You're not at the Palais now, remember?

- Phone call for you, Dr. Hare. - Hm?

- Phone call, sir. - Oh, thank you.

Nicky.

Nicky!

Oh, Richard's one of the best.

A bit simple sometimes, perhaps. A little bit flighty.

Tell me about Sally Nightingale.

Oh, yes... pretty girl. There was nothing in that, really.

I don't want to talk about other girls when I'm dancing with the prettiest one in the business.

Look, I've got to go to a call. Cardew's out already.

Oh, that's too bad.

Well, I'll take you home first.

Home? Nonsense! We're just getting into the beat, aren't we, Nicky?

Yes, I'd like to stay.

Well, I'll be back as soon as I can.

Well, take your time. Don't you worry about us.

Nicky?

Nicky?

Where's Tony?

- Gone back to London. - Oh, did he offer you a lift?

Yes, he did, as a matter of fact.

What are you doing, acting like that in the club? You're meant to be my fianc�e.

You'd better decide whether your fianc�e is me or the lady with the lamp and a lot of lipstick.

Oh, for heaven's sake! Sally and I were all over ages ago.

Is that why you welcome her into the family circle now?

Look, I tell you, she means nothing to me!

- Keep your voice down, you'll wake up Clive! - Oh, s...

Where are you going? You're staying here tonight.

I'm not.

Why didn't you accept Clive's offer to stay? Don't you like him?

Yes, I like him very much. I just don't want to be the first on your matrimonial round.

- Nicky, I'm not like that. - It's no use. Doctors shouldn't marry doctors.

They shouldn't marry at all!

You mean you're chucking me over after all this?

Yes, I am.

I'm sorry.

Goodbye, Richard.

- Nicky? - I'm ever so sorry, Doctor, really I am.

Oh, no.

Oh, it's a great pity.

I was looking forward to having our Dr. Barrington on the string.

I'm afraid all that's gone into the disposal bin.

The Field Marshal quite perked up when I told him about her.

Oh, well, he'll just have to concentrate on his memoirs now.

- You still love her, don't you? - Yes.

Oh, dear. Oh, dear. I did warn you.

I know. Well, I'll get over it.

If only one could inoculate against it.

The boffin who isolates that virus will deserve the Nobel Prize

and a bust in every registry office from here to Lapland.

Dr. Cardew.

Oh, hello, my dear.

Good gracious.

Well, we'll have to cope with that.

Yes, this morning.

All right.

I think you'd better answer that distress signal. It'll be a counterirritant.

Thank you.

Good afternoon, sir.

- What the blazes do you want? - Oh, Lady Spratt sent for me, sir.

I didn't. So get out of here, you miserable leech.

Nonsense, Lancelot. I sent for the doctor because you're not well.

I'm perfectly well. I just happen to choose to spend the morning in bed.

Well, I'm tired of your having stomach aches and blaming the food,

When you know perfectly well Mabel is the best cook we've ever had.

Stomach ache, sir?

Just because my guts gripe from time to time, this damn woman thinks I'm at death's door.

Stop bawling, Lancelot, and let Dr. Hare examine you.

I refuse.

Lancelot...

at the moment, all your Napoleon brandy is standing on the corner of the kitchen sink.

If you refuse, I'll ring the bell and ask Perkins...

But this is blackmail!

Something like it.

I quite agree.

Very well.

See your hands are warm.

Go on, man! You've seen a belly before, haven't you?

Yes, sir, but...

there are certain exceptional circumstances.

- It's the sort of moment of truth. - What?!

Nothing. I... really wanted to ask you some questions first.

Later! I'm getting chilly.

Very well, sir.

If you're going to examine me, examine me. Don't tickle me. I'm not a chit of a nurse.

There are certain differences, sir.

Does that hurt?

Of course it hurts, you nincompoop! Why do you think I sent for you?

Well, sir, in my opinion, you have acute appendicitis.

I've been telling him that for months.

She's been telling me. Do you hear that, Hare? Telling me.

- I think it should come out as soon as possible. - Rubbish.

Now, Lancelot, either your appendix goes or I do.

There isn't room for it and me in this house.

Never tangle with women, Hare.

Very well.

But I won't go into any nursing home.

I'll come into your local slaughterhouse

- so I can keep an eye on things. - Shall I get Richardson from St. Swithin's?

Richardson? He's nothing but a painless killer!

- Well, then, Braithwaite? - Braithwaite?!

He loathes my guts and he'd jump at the chance to remove them, even if it meant a murder rap.

You'd better do it yourself.

Me?!

I've taught you all you know and I'd just as soon trust you as anybody else.

- Yes, I know, sir, but... - Damn it, Man!

You're being offered the chance to slice up one of the best-known breadbaskets in Britain.

If you don't slaughter me, you're made for life!

But you can't do this to old Richard.

He's a bit of a clot in some ways, I know, but...

he's my oldest friend.

You must marry him.

Besides...

I've bought the cigarette box.

I haven't actually, but I've seen it.

I thought you weren't so keen on marriage.

Not as a general rule, but... this is different.

I mean, you...

You do him good.

Excuse me.

Oh, good morning, Dr. Cardew.

Good morning. I'm sorry to arrive like this, but I was in London and I thought I'd return this.

- I found it in my cupboard. - Oh. Well, go in and sit down, won't you?

Thank you.

- Hello, Tony. - Oh, hello, sir. How's old Richard?

Richard?

Well, I'm a bit worried about Richard.

He's not ill, is he?

I'm afraid we've got an appendix operation on our hands.

It should be all right, but Sir Lancelot isn't too happy about it.

Sir Lancelot? Is he doing it?

He insists on being there.

But why? An appendectomy isn't serious.

Well, there were certain... complications in this case.

Is it a big op, then?

In a sense, yes.

- When? - This afternoon.

I must go. I've got to get back there.

Poor old Richard.

Oh, well... can you give me a lift?

Well, certainly, my dear.

Thank you.

I'd better get up there, too.

I might be able to help in some way.

Well, we can only hope that it all... comes out all right.

If I have to wait much longer, you'll have to put the cause of death down as old age.

What's the hold-up? Can't find a burial plot?

- No, sir, it's not that. As a matter of fact, it's... - Tell them to book a big plot, about 40 acres.

I sleep very restlessly.

We're waiting for the anesthetist.

Why don't you get another one? They're two a penny.

I think you should have a little sedative, Sir Lancelot.

And I think you should both... get out of here!

I hope he comes soon.

You'd need a sledgehammer to knock the old boy out in this state.

What are you two nattering about over there?

I'd really just like to get to the hospital. I don't need a drink.

- It's good for shock. - I'm not suffering from shock.

I think you may be later.

He will come through it all right, won't he?

I'd say that all depends on his doctor.

You've got to get here, quick!

Well, can't you get a lift off someone?

- Hello, old boy. - Well, there must be something you can do.

- Richard! - Oh, never mind. Forget it.

Tony, you did anesthetics at St. Swithin's, didn't you?

- Anesthetics? Yes, why? - Tell Sister I've got a substitute anesthetist.

Why are you walking about? You ought to be being shaved and knocking back Omnopon.

You come with me. In here.

Sorry.

Nurse!

Nurse!

Where have you been, girl?

- Sorry, sir. Do you want a... - No, I don't want a bottle.

Find Dr. Hare and tell him I'm off and taking my ruddy appendix with me.

It's all right, Sir Lancelot, we have an anesthetist.

And about time, too. What's that?

Just a preliminary prick to make you drowsy.

Drowsy? I've got to keep my eyes skinned till the last moment in this dump!

Take it away, woman!

Anything to oblige, old man. You know, I was worried sick coming up here.

It'll be fun twiddling the old knobs again. By the way, who's the patient?

- Lancelot Spratt. - Oh, really...

Spratt?! Not on your life!

He'll go right up the wall!

No, you don't. You mucked up my marriage for me. You're not going to muck this up, too.

Yes, but he'll recognize me.

The patient's on his way up, Doctor.

Put your mask on and keep it on.

- Sir Lancelot, wait! - Take this, my man.

Who sent this ruddy pram down to me? You, Sister?

- Well, it is customary, Sir Lancelot. - I know and �5 extra on the bill.

I know these trick s, and I'm quite capable of walking, thank you.

I must say, you're an unsanitary-looking lot. It gives me blood poisoning just to look at you.

- Are those things sharp? - Oh, yes, Sir Lancelot.

We had them all rubbed up on the doorstep. And there's a hammer and chisel in the sterilizer

- in case it's needed. - My stomach is no laughing matter, Doctor.

Yes, sir. I think Lady Spratt would agree, sir.

Now, you nurses... I don't want any swabs or odds and ends left floating around inside me.

One swab and you're for the Old Bailey!

So remember.

Well, Sir Lancelot, shall I start carving? Otherwise the plates will get cold.

- Where's Dr. Hare? - Dr. Hare? He's in the theatre.

Already?

Never mind. We'll wait.

Take your hands off me, woman. You're supposed to be sterile.

Now, Hare... when I come round, if I ever do,

I don't want any nonsense about sips of glucose and smarmy talk.

There's a bottle of Heidsieck in my room and I expect it to still be there.

- That's very kind of you, sir. - For me! And don't forget it's my appendix.

I don't want to be handed my tonsils in a jar with the apologies of a matron.

When are we starting this mammoth production? Where's the anesthetist?

I'm right here, Sir Lancelot.

Gassed any rabbits lately? What's your name?

Erm... MacGregor?

SPRATT Another ruddy Scotsman.

I don't need any examination. My heart's as sound as a bell.

Good, good.

Just pump the stuff into me and keep on pumping until I'm sewn up.

- Aye. - And if I start turning blue, you'll hear from me!

I ken what you mean, Sir Lancelot.

You can have the utmost confidence in me.

Get on, man. You're not drilling for uranium.

Och.

Prick me, don't skewer me! I'm not a shish kebab!

Terribly sorry.

I know you!

I kicked you out of the theatre at St. Swithin's. What the devil's going on here?

If you think I'll let myself be messed about by some oaf

who doesn't know the difference between sewer gas and nitrous oxide, you're jolly well mis...

Scalpel.

- All over, Sister? - Yes, Dr. Cardew.

How is Dr. Hare?

As well as can be expected under the circumstances.

I'm going in.

Richard!

- Darling?

Nicky!

Where's that funny champagne?

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