Original subtitles

Parker's problem with intimacy turned out to be...

That he can't get enough of it.

Previously on Buffy the vampire slayer.

Oh!

I'm sorry. I forgot my manners in all the concussion.

I'm Riley. I'm a t.A.

I'll be helping the professor out.

I'm professor Walsh, the evil bitch monster of death.

'Cause the big bad is back, and this time...

Women. Young, nubile, exciting.

Each one a mystery, waiting to be unlocked.

Think any of them are gonna show?

'Cause the party will be lame if we lack for hotties.

Professor? You with me?

No. I'm with this large pile

of ungraded papers, due at 3:00.

How are you gonna learn anything

if you keep doing schoolwork?

Oh... Check her out.

Is she hot, or is she hot?

She's Buffy.

Buffy? I like that.

That girl's so hot, she's Buffy.

It's her name, Forrest.

You've established first contact? Excellent.

What do you think of her?

I never really thought about what I think about her.

A girl that cute in the face,

and you form no opinion?

No, I mean,

she's all right, I guess.

She's just kind of... I don't know.

Peculiar.

Peculiar?

Yeah.

Hey, Graham,

what do you think of the blonde chick?

Mattressable, n'est-Ce pas?

Riley's not down. Doesn't like her.

I don't dislike her.

She just... She never feels

like she's really there when you talk to her.

I like girls I can get a grip on.

I bet you do.

Not that way.

Just a little less ready for takeoff all the time.

There's definitely something off about her.

Maybe she's Canadian.

Didn't she go with Parker Abrams

for about 30 seconds?

Yeah, there's a sign of good taste.

Okay, but you've got to admit

she's a major league hottie.

Well, I'm not denying she's easy on the eyes.

I'm just saying...

Would you really want to go out with her?

Hell, yes.

I bet a lot of guys would like

to get their hands on her.

Slayer... I'll kill you.

Not so tough. I...

Kill slayer.

Well, based on Buffy's description,

I believe the men that we're after

look something like, um...

Like this.

The latest in fall fascism.

I like it.

A bit full in the hips for my taste, but...

I think we can safely assume they're human,

so, um, no research needed.

No studying? Damn!

Next thing you'll tell me

is I'll have to eat jelly doughnuts

or sleep with a supermodel

to get things done around here.

I ask you, how much can one man give?

Not too much, I'm afraid. Um...

Once again I'd say that you and I

will not be needed to help Buffy.

Really?

Really.

Well, how about this?

We whip out the Ouija board,

light a few candles,

summon some ancient, unstoppable evil.

Mayhem, mayhem, mayhem.

We show up and kick its ass.

Wee bit unethical.

Hello, people. Hey.

Mmm.

It's my late night storm trooper pal.

It's... it's just for reference, you know,

but fairly accurate you'd say?

That's your man.

Your man, actually.

Uh... You are patrolling tonight?

Nope, I am going to a party tonight.

Hopefully, a "no fighting, no biting" kind of deal.

Buffy, somebody's got

to find out who these people are.

Giles, I live in a dorm now.

The girls in my hall want to party,

Willow needs some cheering up.

I'm going to take her.

How's wil dealing...

With the black hole of despair

she's been living in since oz left?

She's dealing. I'm helping.

It's hard. Ergo, party.

You two can take patrol.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I need to go find something slutty to wear tonight.

Don't drink it.

It's drugged.

Uh-huh.

And who are you, mate?

I'm a rat.

I'm a lab rat, just like the others.

They're gonna kill us, you know.

And how are they gonna do that?

They starve you.

When you're ready to bite your own arm,

they shoot out one of those packets.

You drink, and the next thing, you're gone.

And that's when they do the experiments.

And, uh, they are?

The government? Nazis? A major cosmetics company?

Who cares?

All I know is, one minute

I'm running from the slayer,

and the next thing, I'm here.

The slayer!

I knew it! I knew it!

Yeah, she took apart my crew,

and led me straight to these guys.

She set me up, too.

I always worried what would happen

when that bitch got some funding.

She's wised up a bit. Fine!

I'll take her apart.

I don't care how brilliant she is.

Stupid pen.

My notes!

Ballpoints can be tricky.

Controversial results as well.

That's all for today.

Don't forget chapters 8 to 11 for tomorrow.

Riley.

I notice you left off a name today in roll call.

Osborne, Daniel Osborne, oz?

He's not in this class anymore.

I hear he dropped out.

Oh, well you heard way wrong then.

I mean, he's not gone.

He... he left temporarily to work out a few things.

I know that sounds lame in its vagueness,

but I assure you, oz will be back.

Not to my class, he won't.

An educated guess. You know the rules,

you know I hate exceptions,

and yet somehow you feel your exception is exceptional.

Oh, but...

It is. To you.

But since I'm neither

a freshman nor a narcissist,

I have to consider the whole class.

If your friend can't respect my schedule,

I think it's best he not come back.

You know, for someone who teaches human behavior,

you might try showing some.

It's not my job to coddle my students.

You're right. A human being in pain

has nothing to do with your job.

I like her.

Really?

You don't think she's a little peculiar?

Here we go. Gear for tonight.

If some commando squads are out there, fully loaded,

these babies might give us the edge we'll need.

That's a very impressive array.

Where'd it all come from?

Uh, requisitioned it.

Back when I was military guy.

That was 2 years ago. You still 100%?

Are you kidding? I put the semper in semper fi.

I might not be able to assemble

an m-16 blindfolded like I used to

or pass weapons drill for the mobile infantry...

Might as well face it. Right now,

I don't have the technical skills

to join the Swiss army.

And all those guys ask you to do

is uncork a couple of sassy cabernets.

Well, I'm sure you'll be ready when the time comes.

Oh, fear not. Hand to hand? I'm still the man.

Whoever these guys trained with,

I'm sure they're not ready to deal with...

Xander!

Yes, mom!

I made a nice fruit punch for you and your friend.

Would you boys like some?

Is it, uh, raspberry fruit punch?

So she says, "you teach human behavior."

Maybe you ought to show some."

Oh, you're lying. She says that to Walsh?

Hope to die.

Doesn't lack for guts.

You've got to give her that.

Yeah, but she's nuts.

Oh, come on. Like you never wanted

to tell the professor off? Hey, Parker!

Forrest. What's up, man?

What's the scoop on Buffy summers? Is she cool?

Buffy? Yeah, she's all right, I guess.

I mean, kind of whiny.

How's that?

Well, you know, clingy.

I mean, we got a little physical...

Uh, well, fully physical,

and then she's all over me, you know,

like we're betrothed or something.

No, but fun was had, yeah?

Oh, yeah.

The word is stamina.

I mean, definitely a bunny in the sack,

but later on, well.

You know the difference between

a freshman girl and a toilet seat?

A toilet seat doesn't follow you around after you use it.

I can't believe that I did that.

Welcome to the club.

Do you have any idea how much trouble

you could have gotten into?

If Parker reported you...

He won't. He's too embarrassed.

I hit him.

What the hell for?

He... he was just being so crude.

Please. You've heard me

say much grosser things than that.

And most of those are about your own mother.

What is it?

I just didn't like hearing him

talk about Buffy that way.

I think I...

Well, I guess I like her.

You're kind of like a moron.

So, you...

You knew that I had feelings for her.

Everybody knows, man.

Oh, she's peculiar? Dead giveaway, buddy.

I'm always the last to know.

So, whatcha gonna do?

Well, I guess I'm gonna go see a girl.

Sorry, can't stay.

Got to go see a girl.

Get the serum!

Let me out!

Bit busy right now.

Look, I know where the exit is.

You spring me, you're free.

You don't, you're dead.

Hurry!

Hurry!

This way!

New plan! We split up.

You go that way.

♪♪

Come in.

Oh, Riley. Hi.

Hi. Gee, I hope I'm not

interrupting anything really depressing.

What's up?

Right to the point, okay.

I was thinking of asking out Buffy.

She's not here.

I know. See,

I don't know that much about Buffy.

But I'm interested in what she likes,

and so far, well,

the only thing that I know she likes is you.

What... what do you want me to do?

Just tell me something. Anything.

Just give me a clue to...

Here, let me help you with that.

Just something that will start us talking, you know?

I'm thinking that "how 'bout them broncos?"

Won't really cut it.

Okay, say that I help,

and you start a conversation.

It goes great.

You like Buffy. She likes you.

You spend time together, feelings grow deeper,

and one day, without even realizing it,

you find you're in love. Time stops,

and it feels like the whole world's

made for you two, and you two alone,

until the day one of you leaves

and rips the still-beating heart from the other,

who's now a broken, hollow, mockery of the human condition.

Yep, that's the plan.

I figured it was.

Look, if you want to tell me

to go to hell, that's okay.

Maybe this is the last thing

you want to talk about.

I just feel that, well,

I've never courted anyone like Buffy before.

I don't think I've ever met anyone like Buffy before.

Why should I trust you?

Just sort of hoping you'd think

I have an honest face.

I've seen honest faces before.

They usually come attached to liars.

All right.

I guess I'm not gonna win here.

And I appreciate you wanting to protect your friend.

I guess, uh, she kind of

brings that out in people.

She likes cheese.

What?

Well, I'm not saying

it's the key to her heart,

but Buffy... She likes cheese.

That's a start.

She has a stuffed piggy named Mr. gordo,

loves ice capades without the irony,

and she's dragging me to this party tonight at Lowell house.

Oh, you're going? That's my house. I live there.

Well, it'll give you a chance to interact,

but don't get fresh.

Fresh? I don't even know if we like each other yet.

Hey, does she ever talk about me?

Like, has she ever said...

Sorry.

That's discouraging.

Still, I feel like I have a fighting chance

with my new accomplice.

I'm not your accomplice.

No, no. Of course not.

I'm not.

You're not.

We're clear. We're clear.

Spike?

Spike, is that really you?

It's me, baby.

Your man is... Back.

Bastard. You dumped me and staked me

and hurt me and left me...

I know, sugar, but you're forgetting

one other thing I did. I missed you.

Really?

Oh! Just don't ever do that to me again.

Oh, never, my little foam latte.

Your Blondie bear is here to stay.

Well, where have you been?

No, wait. Don't tell me.

I'm just glad you're back.

And this time, it's for good, right?

Oh, forever and ever, Mon petite creme brulee.

Ooh. Italian.

Uh, yeah, and get used to it.

Big daddy's home. We're gonna go wherever you want,

do whatever you want,

kill whoever you want.

Starting with the slayer.

And after that, it's all you and me,

my little mentholated pack of smokes.

Spikey. Let's leave the slayer alone.

You know she'll only slap you around,

and I can do that.

Ow! Uh, no, see, ow.

The head, love. Watch the head.

Whoa, watch it!

Every man faces this moment.

Here. Now. Watching. Waiting

for an unseen enemy that has no face.

Nerve endings screaming in silence.

Never knowing which thought might be your last.

Oh, shut up.

Looks cool.

Uh-huh.

Look, we could go.

No-no, we're here for fun.

Oh, look. Some of the guys are here already.

I'm gonna grab a soda.

I'll... I'll find you guys.

Okay.

Okay, she's wearing the halter top with sensible shoes.

That means mostly dancing, light contact,

but don't push your luck.

Heavy conversation's out of the question.

So what do I do?

Ask her to dance.

Right. Dance.

Wait. No.

What's the matter?

I can't dance.

Then talk. Keep eye contact.

Funny is good, but don't be glib.

And remember, if you hurt her,

I will beat you to death with a shovel.

A vague disclaimer is nobody's friend. Have fun.

Excuse me.

Hi.

Hi.

Um... Buffy...

You do the reading on chapter 9?

Uh-huh.

Wow. Some theories, huh?

Cheese?

Fine. Let's split up.

I don't care.

Harmony.

Xander?

That's close enough.

I've been highly trained

to put this through your heart.

No mercy, no warning.

I can kill you where you stand.

Bring it on, then.

Ow!

Ow! You sissy kicker!

Get away!

Aah! Cut it out!

Ow, I'm so gonna bite you!

Ow... Okay, stop, stop!

We should stop, okay?

Okay, I will if you will.

On the count of 3...

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

1...2... 3!

Right, okay.

Harmony, it's been great catching up.

Really, I'm just gonna pick up

the tattered shreds of my dignity

and go home...

Leaving you with your fire.

My fire?

Yeah, right.

Like I'd listen to the sex pistols.

Eww. This crap belongs to spike.

Spike?

Can you believe him?

He comes back with all these big promises,

not that I believed him, you know.

But he could have spent one night, but, no.

Everything was "slayer this" and "slayer that."

I mean, he probably already killed her.

I'm not taking him back,

I just... I just want to know why it is

that men always...

Leave.

I can't believe it.

I choked.

You really, really did.

You don't understand.

I'm good at things.

That's what I do.

Work hard, apply myself, get it done.

Well, you failed extremely well.

That's a great comfort to me.

You need to relax.

I mean, you're not proposing.

You're just making contact,

getting a reaction.

Any reaction is okay,

except projectile vomiting.

But, what are the chances of that...

Are you okay?

This song...

Oh, yeah, it's a tape of some bands

from last year's party.

Associations?

Big.

Bad?

A.J.!

Thank you.

Now go find Buffy.

There's no hurry.

I mean, if you want to talk.

No, I... I want you to find Buffy

and tell her that I went home

and not to worry about me.

Which at least will give you something to say.

Thanks.

You'll do fine.

Hey.

Um, Willow said to say that she took off.

Oh, she's okay.

Kind of blue, but she said not to worry.

Thank you.

You know... I wanted to ask you something.

Ask away.

Buffy!

I've been looking all over for you.

We need...

Need to talk, uh, not here.

It's sort of... Unfinished business.

Business? Right.

Uh, excuse us?

No problem.

Denied.

It's not like she blew me off.

She just left with another guy, that's all.

We need you downstairs, anyway.

You know, I hate to say it,

but they're probably on their way

to make crazy naked sex.

Is that necessary?

I'm protecting you, buddy.

I don't want to see you mooning over some freshman

for the next 3 months.

Retinal scan accepted.

I like her.

I'm on your side here.

I know you are, Graham.

That's what gives me the strength

to put up with this comedian.

Dude,

I know about girls.

Exactly! Girls, plural.

I'm talkin' about one girl.

One girl.

Initiative vocal code match complete.

Special agent Finn, Riley.

The problem is,

what kind of girl is gonna go out with a guy

who's acting all Joe regular by day

and then turns all demon-hunter by night?

Maybe a peculiar one.

Thank you, Graham.

Oh, sure. Give him the gratitude

when I'm the guy sparing you a heartbreak.

She's a major babe.

I still say you got a shot, ri.

You see, Forrest?

You don't have to be so negative all the time.

Hold up.

Situation?

Gentlemen, suit up.

We have a code red.

Hostile 17 has escaped.

Here's what we know, and it isn't much.

Hostile 17 broke restraints at exactly 2:47 P.M.

That's a big head start.

Gets bigger every time you interrupt me.

It was bagged and tagged locally,

so assume it knows the area.

The creature has every advantage right now.

Fail to recapture it, and everything we've worked for...

The initiative itself... Could end tonight.

Nobody's failin' on my watch.

Glad to hear it.

Gentlemen, agent Finn is now in charge of this operation.

I'm counting on you, Riley.

We start with the basic mobilization pattern.

3 teams. Sweep and search, just like practice.

Thorough but fast.

Take the campus perimeter.

Make sure it can't leave.

Stake it if you gotta, but only as a last resort.

You're going down. Tunnels, sewers, cemeteries.

Gates and Miller are with me.

We take the heart of campus and work our way out.

All units, maintain radio contact early and often.

Who's got questions?

Move!

What is wrong with him?

Doesn't spike get that this is my town?

He's resilient.

And it's my night off.

I'm sure he'd pick another night

if he knew you were busy with Teutonic boy-toy.

What is that supposed to mean?

Nothing.

Riley's a doof. He's not Teutonic.

We have to assume that spike's main target is you, Buffy.

Fine. You know what?

He's worn out his welcome.

Tonight, I kill him.

You have a plan? I am the plan.

If spike wants me, I go alone...

No arguments.

Lead him away from the popular places

and give him what he wants.

Oh, wait, wait!

Take this.

A flare gun?

Xander, if I find spike, I'm staking him,

not signaling ships at sea.

You get into trouble...

Okay.

I'll flare.

And we'll come a-runnin'.

Do you think Spike'll find her?

I'm sure of it.

Hello, gorgeous.

What've we got?

Civilian, sir.

Ah, damn.

She's compromising the area.

At least she's not making crazy, naked sex.

Told you.

We gotta clear her outta there...

Fast.

Maybe not.

Just thinking.

If you were hostile 17, living off the crap we feed 'em,

what would you rather eat than that?

You wanna use the girl I got a crush on as bait?

I can tag a hostile at 50 yards.

Denied.

She'd be safe the entire...

I said denied, agent.

Did you just pull rank on me?

Do you have a problem with that?

No, sir.

So, how're we gonna get her out of there?

Riley!

What are you doing here?

Well, I didn't get a chance to say good-bye to you

after the party. You left so fast.

You know, with your friend...

Who's a boy.

Uh, Xander?

He's not anyone that I... want to talk about, right now.

Um...

You know, I don't want you taking this the wrong way...

It's just, um...

I need a little alone time now...

Alone.

Why?

I need space.

We're outdoors.

Emotionally.

I mean, emotionally...

You know,

there's plenty of space back in your room

why don't I take you?

You wouldn't believe the weirdos out at this hour.

Whoa! Okay...

It's a free campus.

Who died and made you John Wayne?

I'm just trying to help.

You think I need help?

Believe me, I don't.

You know, if you were a real gentleman,

then you would just leave.

You would go far, far away, now!

Shoo!

Are you drunk?

Yes! Go and report me.

I'm taking you home. Come on.

Oh, did you ever think maybe I'm gonna take you home, huh?

What? You think that boys can take care of themselves

and girls need help?

Yeah.

That is so Teutonic.

Look, Buffy,

as long as you're out here, I'm staying.

Well, as long as you're out here, I'm staying.

Gotta go. See ya!

Tell me we're tracking.

Honing a signal.

Got it... Heading west.

Better be the hostile.

All units converge, all units converge.

Hard target sighted.

Heading 1-2 Alpha niner.

Let's bag it before this gets ugly.

Come in.

Spike!

Wh-what do you want?

Uh, a spell? I can do that.

I'll give you a choice.

Now I'm gonna kill you.

No choice in that.

But...

I can let you stay dead...

Or...

Bring you back, to be like me.

I... I'll scream.

Bonus.

No!

I don't understand.

This sort of thing's never happened to me before.

Maybe you were nervous.

I felt all right when I started.

Let's try again.

Ow!

Oh!

Ow!

Damn it!

Maybe you're trying too hard.

Doesn't this happen to every vampire?

Not to me, it doesn't!

It's me, isn't it?

What are you talking about?

Well, you came looking for Buffy, then settled.

I... i... You didn't want to bite me.

I just happened to be around.

Piffle!

I know I'm not the kind of girl

vamps like to sink their teeth into.

It's always like, "ooh, you're like a sister to me,"

or, "oh, you're such a good friend."

Don't be ridiculous.

I'd bite you in a heartbeat.

Really?

Thought about it.

When?

Remember last year,

you had on that... Fuzzy pink number

with the lilac underneath?

I never would have guessed.

You played the blood-lust kinda cool.

Mmm. I hate being obvious.

All fang-y and "rrrr!"

Takes the mystery out.

But if you could...

If I could, yeah.

You know, this doesn't make you any less terrifying.

Don't patronize me.

I'm getting a picture...

Signature's locked.

What've we got?

Humans of the freshman variety.

98.6, 98.6...

Bingo!

Got a cold one.

Thermal output clockin' in at exactly...

Room temperature. Vampire.

Call in a standard triangle flanking maneuver.

We're going in.

I need a lockdown on grid 6.

I'm only 126.

You're being too hard on yourself.

Why don't we wait a half an hour and try again?

Or...

No, hold your fire!

It's on me!

Aah!

Move!

Ow! My head!

Bag and tag it. We're gone.

Sir...

Civilian. Could have turned.

Leave her.

We can't neglect quarantine.

Stop her!

She's contained.

Contain this!

Aah! Ow! I'm blind!

What the hell was that?

Hostile's escaping! Move!

We gotta stop it!

Abort!

I'm sure you'll understand

if I seem far from happy.

Yes, ma'am.

If you read my report you'll see...

Hostile 17's found an accomplice

who's smart, aggressive,

and somehow escapes description.

Whoever he was, the guy was big.

Strong, too.

Whoever... Or whatever.

I'm not interested in guess work, gentlemen.

Call me old-fashioned. I like results.

This report reads like a child's riddle book.

Agent Finn, tell me something good.

My implant?

The implant works.

Hostile 17 can't harm any living creature,

in any way, without intense neurological pain.

Can't feed. Can't hardly even hit anymore.

We'll bag it.

Yes, you will.

Dismissed.

Hey.

Hi.

Listen, sorry about last night.

No, no... I was rude.

I just felt like being alone.

Sometimes it's nice

to be out by yourself at night.

I hear that.

Gotta be careful, though.

Lotta strange... People out there.

Oh, yeah.

How's Willow doing?

Okay.

'Course, that stupid fraternity prank on our dorm

didn't help any.

That's right. I forgot you guys live in Stevenson.

You knew that?

Well, Willow and I were...

I thought she might be able to help me on a project.

Really?

That work out for you?

Don't know yet.

Uh, last night...

At the party,

you wanted to tell me something?

Oh, yeah. Very important stuff.

I don't remember any of it now.

But you would have been fascinated,

possibly even moved.

Did Willow tell you I like cheese?

You're a little peculiar.

I can live with that.

Grr! Arrgh!