Original subtitles

- Parker Abrams. I'm at Kresge hall. - Buffy summers. Stevenson.

Previously on Buffy the vampire slayer.

What are you doing?

Making a choice.

Parker, did I do something wrong?

Didn't you have fun?

- Is that all it was? - What else was it supposed to be?

He's manipulative and shallow. And why doesn't he want me?

Say hi to non-college guy.

Not that I mind, but don't non-college guys

usually populate the non-campus?

Townie, huh? You look so normal.

Buffy?

Parker?

Stay down.

Buffy!

Buffy.

I don't know what to say.

After how I've treated you,

now I owe you my life.

It's nothing.

It's everything. You're everything.

And I'm gonna do whatever it takes to get you to forgive me.

Do you think one day you might?

These are the things we want... simple things.

Comfort, sex, shelter, food.

We always want them, and we want them all the time.

The ID doesn't learn. It doesn't grow up.

It has the ego telling it what it can't have,

and it has the superego telling it what it shouldn't want,

but the ID works solely out of the pleasure principle.

It wants.

Whatever social skills we've learned,

however much we've evolved,

the pleasure principle is at work in all of us.

So, how does this conflict with the ego

manifest itself on the psyche?

What do we do when we can't have what we want?

Buffy, I don't know what to say.

After how I've treated you and...

Now I owe you my life.

Can you ever forgive me?

Rough day?

Come on, buff. Be a lonely drunk.

Rough day?

Stop flicking at me.

Work with me here.

I'm finally an essential part of your college-y life.

No more lookin' down on the townie.

I'm the new bartender over at the pub.

Got my lighter, my rag, my empathy face.

Aren't you too young to be a bartender?

Au contraire, Mon frère.

Frère means brother.

Mon girl-frère.

Behold.

I don't believe this is entirely on the up-and-up.

What gives it away?

Looking at it.

Well, no one's gonna see it, anyway.

Now I'm the bartender. I kick people out.

You know there's more to it than wiping and kicking?

Mixing drinks, for instance.

Oh, I've seen cocktail.

I can do the hippy-hippy shake.

Well, even if I had a pretend cigarette,

I couldn't tell you my pretend problems.

Real ones have clogged up my head space.

Ooh, then unload 'em right here, baby.

Rough day? You wanna talk about it?

Shutting up now.

I'm pregnant by my stepbrother, who'd rather be with my best friend,

who's left me with no place to live,

no food, except for this bottle of wild Turkey,

which I drank all up.

That was me being tanked and friendless for ya.

Gets my Oscar nod.

You know what? It's class time.

So, you gonna come by tonight to the pub?

Oz, bronze, date.

You know, maybe...

Maybe he's just having trouble dealing.

I mean, don't guys sometimes keep the girls they really, really like

inside these deep little brain fantasy bubbles

where everything's perfect?

I mean, they do that, right?

How's the fugue state coming along?

Parker.

Maybe I'm in his bubble.

And then, pretty soon, he's gonna realize

that he wants more than just bubble-Buffy,

and he'll pop me out and we'll go to dinner,

and... It could happen, right?

Buffy, that is my best friend,

you need to think about not Parker.

He's no good.

There are men, better men,

wherein the mind is stronger than the penis.

Pffft. Nothing can defeat the penis.

Too loud. Very unseemly.

I mean, I'm sorry to be so coarse,

but I feel strongly about stinky Parker man.

He can be really sweet.

I'm telling you. I think that he has intimacy problems

because of the death of his father.

Not interested.

You got troubles? Tell 'em to the bartender.

That's right, 'cause the bartender's always ready to listen.

What? What?

For the last time, a pitcher of beer.

Okay, and you ordered rum and coke.

And you had a poker's light,

a vodka on the rocks, and a water.

Is that right?

Do I have to write this down for you?

A glass of ice water.

A glass of white wine

simple request. And a daiquiri.

Ice water. Do you want that on the rocks?

Ohh! Whoa!

Oh, Riley, so sorry.

Most people go around.

I'm not saying you can't tunnel through me.

I just think the other way's quicker.

In my defense, you do take up a lot of space.

I do. I'm ungainly.

You looking for someone?

Uh... I just saw, um, Parker over there.

Right.

Parker and his latest conquest.

You know, that boy should have his attention span checked.

He's kind of a girl chaser, huh?

Sets 'em up and knocks 'em down.

I guess maybe I'm old-fashioned,

but my father always says

if you wanna be a gentleman,

you don't even care what my father says.

I'm sorry... What?

Forget about it. I...

I got some people waiting.

I'll see you in class, right?

Rough day?

Nah. It's been super.

We accepted melody's pledge

and made her an official sister of beta delta gamma.

And our pins arrived today. I designed it myself.

You are so sharp.

Hey, Paula, are you keeping this fine bartender from his duty?

A man's gotta make a living.

It's all right.

So, the guys and I were celebrating...

I... i... i said it's all right.

I'm due for a break.

Oh, so what were you discussing?

Maybe we could all join.

Be nice.

What?

Ahh, forget it.

No, no, no. I rudely interrupted,

and it sounds like you two were having quite the meeting of minds,

possibly debating the geopolitical ramifications of bioengineering.

You have a take on that?

I've got beer.

You want some beer?

Uh, yeah. A pitcher of black frost.

See, I think we have a perfect venue here

for conducting a little sociometry.

A bipolar continuum of attraction and rejection.

Now, given your socioeconomic statuses,

I foresee a "b" rejects "a" dyad.

Heh. I'm sorry. Let me clarify.

You see, we are the future of this country,

and you keep the bowl of peanuts full.

We are what these girls want.

And, uh, 4 glasses.

How's about I see some I.D.?

'Cause you're not getting a drop until I'm satisfied...

Just give him a beer.

Thanks.

Buffy?

Rough day?

Wanna tell me about it?

It's just...

Parker's problem with intimacy

turns out to be that he can't get enough of it.

And I knew it. I knew what he was.

If he were tied and gagged

and left in a cave that vampires happen to frequent,

it wouldn't really be like I killed him, really.

Buffy...

I'm a slut.

No. Idiot.

No.

Hey!

Sorry. So sorry.

I'm better.

This has helped.

Do not go anywhere.

Ooh, ohh, I'm so sorry.

I just... I seem to be bumping into people today.

Can't imagine anybody minding. You...

You're not thinking of leaving, are you?

'Cause we have a very strict policy against you leaving.

At least until you've had a drink.

What my friend's just saying is,

you shouldn't be sad and alone right now.

I mean, you're a very beautiful girl

who should be covered with men.

And can we be those men?

It's on us.

Hey, you got a table.

I had to kill a man.

It's a really good table.

Mmm... I copied out my notes for psych

since you were so elsewhere this morning.

Thanks.

It's really pretty simple stuff.

You know, just... What's the matter?

I don't know. I feel a little... It's nothing.

♪ I'll take you up ♪

♪ Above ground ♪

♪ Over filth, over fire ♪

♪ Newly emerged ♪

We could go back to your place.

I could make you soup.

♪ From damp rich earth ♪

No, that's okay. I'm fine.

Thanks.

♪ Every inch a new sensation ♪

Do you know her?

Veruca? No. I know their drummer. He's cool.

But I've never heard them play.

♪ Out of my head ♪

♪ Into his ♪

♪ To taste and smell myself ♪

♪ I'll take you up ♪

♪ Above ground ♪

♪ Over filth, over fire ♪♪

Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug!

The thing that the modern-day pundits fail to realize

is that all the socioeconomic and psychological problems

inherent in modern society

can be solved by the judicious application

of way too much beer.

Black frost is the only beer!

My mother always said beer is evil.

Evil, good... these are moral absolutes

that predate the fermentation of malt and fine hops.

See... where was I?

I'm really not sure.

Well, Thomas Aquinas...

No, there'll be no Thomas Aquinas at this table.

Keep your theology of Providence to yourself, fatboy.

I was just drawing a parallel...

Beer! Had the earliest morality developed

under the influence of beer,

there would be no good or evil.

There would be "kinda nice" and "pretty cool."

Everything would be different.

You guys really love to hear yourselves speak, don't ya?

All right, we're losing her, guys.

Say something interesting.

Well, tell us about yourself.

Yeah. What do you like?

Well...

I don't hate this, for a start.

Yep.

My name is veruca. I'm in a band.

Oh, I'm oz. I'm in a band, too.

Oh, and this is wil.

Oh, how fun. A groupie.

Groupie.

Buff, have you heard of this veruca chick?

Dresses like faith. Voice like an albatross.

TV is a good thing.

Bright colors. Music.

Tiny little people.

What have you done with Buffy?

I'm suffering the afterness of a bad night of... Badness.

You didn't. Not with Parker again.

No. With 4 really smart guys.

4?

Oh...

Ow.

Oh, Buffy, are you okay?

Do you wanna talk about it?

I went to see Xander.

Then I saw Parker.

Then came... Beer.

And then group sex?

Pfft... Gutterface. No.

Just lots and lots of beer.

It's nice.

Foamy...

Comforting.

It's... Beer.

Drowning your troubles over Parker.

Mind-frying man.

He deserves a torturous and slow death

by spider bites.

Well, for today, we'll just have to

throw spitballs at his neck in class.

Okay.

Uh... Getting dressed would be fun, too.

Next class, we'll be moving on to personality types and disorders.

For those of you who have done the reading,

you already know...

Yes?

She read the... Reading.

Well, then, she'll have some time on her hands.

As I was saying, we won't be able to cover it all in class,

but that doesn't mean it isn't worth knowing,

and it doesn't mean it won't be on the midterm.

Now, if I've been unclear in any way,

speak now.

Buffy!

Buffy, are you okay?

Sure.

Why wouldn't I be?

S'good.

Good enough.

No more? But s'good.

Yeah.

Foamy.

You should come to our class on big thinking. S'good.

Boy, I'm having the worst day.

You got a light?

I like girls.

You stupid.

No, you stupid.

No, you stupid.

Smelly head.

Willow.

Hey.

I tried calling.

Yeah, I've been at the library.

How are you feeling?

What do you mean?

Well, you weren't in class again.

Band was practicing.

Hey, shy's playing again tonight.

Shy?

Yeah, Veruca's band.

And they asked me to sit in with them.

Be kinda cool if you were there.

2 veruca shows in 2 nights?

Heh. You sure you wanna share your groupie?

Heh.

I think I'm just gonna study.

'Cause of the fun.

Hmm...

Yeah, I guess I could see how it'd be dull for ya.

See ya.

Yeah.

You stupid.

No, you stupid.

No, you.

Hey!

It sings.

Like it.

It's time to go home, Buffy.

Want more singing!

Want more beer.

No, I've cut you off.

Did it hurt?

Out you go.

Oh! Ow!

Want beer. Like beer.

Beer good.

Beer bad. Bad, bad beer.

What the hell am I saying?

Buffy, go home...

And go to bed.

Say bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Hey...

Where girl go?

Hey.

Uh, did you want something?

Yes. I want to give you a piece of my mind.

I'm tired of you men

and your... Man-ness.

Buffy's really hurting right now.

In fact, she's in need of a big mental tidy.

Parker, how could you do this to her?

I don't get what you mean. What did I do?

She shared something very intimate with you.

And you act like it's nothing more than a bag of...

Some kind of snack food.

Willow, I'm not sure I need to explain my actions here.

But if that's what you want...

Yes. Followed by an admission of undeniable guilt,

but go on.

Some relationships center on a deep emotional tie

or a loyal friendship or something.

But most are just two people passing through life,

enriching or aggravating each other's lives briefly.

Go on.

Just for one night,

can't two people who feel an attraction

come together and create something wonderful?

And then go back to their lives the next day,

better for it but never over-analyzing it

or wanting it to be more than it was?

I have.

She should, too.

People like Buffy, and me,

assume that intimacy means friendship and respect.

People shouldn't have to ask first,

"are you going to be eyeing other prospects tomorrow?"

People shouldn't have to preface casual sex with,

"just so you know, I'll never grow any older with you."

It takes the fire out of it.

Maybe.

Willow...

I don't regret what happened.

Or what we did.

But I am sorry that Buffy's hurting.

And if I misled her, I'm sorry for that, too.

I didn't mean to.

I'm impressed that you care so much about her.

You're a good friend.

All right, time to pay up and go home, guys.

Okay, let's see. I'll take this one and this one.

You know, I've always had a problem calculating the tip.

And you guys being so dapper of brain,

maybe you can help me out.

Okay, great.

See, if your bill comes to $38,

and generally, people tip... what, approximately 30%?

That makes your tip what?

Uhhh...

Nnn...

Uhh...

You are so smart.

This is so the right amount.

Somebody didn't have their fiber today.

Hey, you all right in there?

Buddy?

Rrhhh.

Rrhhh!

Rraaaaahhh!

Oh, god!

Let's get out of here.

Rrhhh. Rrraaahhh!

Aah! Rrhhh.

Hey, hey... easy. We're cool.

We're cool.

Help.

Oh, god.

Fire bad.

Fire... fire pretty.

Fire angry!

Jack, Jack!

We got a problem.

The guys, they... They're...

Some of your patrons

are turning into cavemen.

They had it coming.

You know, I've been taking abuse

from snot-nosed kids for 20 years.

I mean, they're always coming in here

with their snotty attitudes,

drinking their fruity little microbrews,

spouting out some philosophy

like it means a damn thing.

Thinkin' they're different than us.

They are now.

They ain't. That's the great thing about beer.

It makes all men the same.

Why are we talking about beer?

The guys are...

The beer.

Neat, huh?

My brother-in-law's a warlock.

He showed me how to do the...

No! No neat!

I served them that beer.

I served Buffy that beer.

Uh, how much beer would you say

a person would need to consume

before they seriously started questing for fire?

Relax. It'll wear off in a day or so.

In a day or so, someone could get killed.

You're a bad, bad man.

I didn't see him!

Is he okay?

Well, I cut her off before the others.

I don't think she had as much to drink.

I can't believe you served Buffy that beer.

I didn't know it was evil.

You knew it was beer.

Well, excuse me, Mr. "I spent the sixties"

in an electric-kool-aid funky-Satan groove."

It was the early seventies,

and you should know better.

I'm not the dad of her. Buffy's a grown-up now.

Intelligent enough to...

Parker bad.

I don't mean this in a bragging way,

but I do get to know a lot of women.

Well, getting to know people is good.

But I haven't found "the one" yet.

I've yet to find a girl that I can just...

You know, sit with,

feeling totally at ease,

spewing whatever's on my mind.

Or even sit with comfortably in silence.

Willow...

Can I tell you something kind of private?

Okay.

I mean, I feel you've shown me a perspective

I hadn't really thought much about before.

What is it you wanted to tell me?

Just...

I've enjoyed talking with you.

Here, tonight.

Me, too.

I mean, with you.

You know, I'm... I'm wondering something.

About you.

What?

Just how gullible do you think I am?

I mean, with your gentle eyes

and your shy smile

and your ability to talk openly only to me.

You're unbelievable!

What?

This isn't sharing. This isn't connecting.

It's the pleasure principle.

That's right. I got your number, ID boy.

Only thing you're thinking about

is how long before you can jump on my bones.

Look, if you think that I'm...

I mean, you men!

It's all about the sex.

Find a woman, drag her to your den.

Do whatever's necessary,

just as long as you get the sex.

I tell you, men haven't changed since the dawn of time.

See?!

Fascinating, really.

Ah! Ow!

Want people.

Where people go?

The TV is off.

Want!

Want people!

Well, she doesn't appear to be

in any immediate danger.

Maybe you should stay with her.

Boy smell nice.

Or perhaps she should be left alone.

Yeah, I think we need to track down the funboys

somewhat pronto.

Jack said the effects of the beer

would wear off... beer!

Buffy want beer.

You can't have beer.

Want beer.

Giles, don't make caveslayer unhappy.

Hunnnh!

Buffy strong.

Yes, Buffy strong.

Buffy get beer.

Buffy get... Aarrr!

Giles!

I'm fine. Just get her!

Which way?

Um, check down there.

We have to find her before someone gets hurt.

Woman.

Man!

Woman!

Yaah!

Buffy!

Buffy?

Aha!

Can't find the beer.

Good.

Freshman girl not able to hold the beer.

Shouldn't have it.

Get into trouble.

Ahhh!

Hey, hey, we're good.

Remember the boy?

Boy smell nice, yeah?

Is there any part of Buffy still in there?

Oh, no.

Fire bad.

Buffy!

Where the hell is Giles?

Blond, um, about this tall.

Uh... she walks with a, sort of a...

Sideways limp.

Bad... Bad...

Buffy?

Now stay!

Are you all right?

Buffy's still in there.

Oh, god.

Oh, god.

Help me!

I can't breathe!

Buffy, what do we do?

Oh, god.

Did you guys have enough fun for one night?

Yes, please.

Buffy tired.

And was there a lesson in all this? Huh?

What did we learn about beer?

Foamy.

Good. Just as long as that's clear.

Anyways, I think the boys in the car

are contained for the time being.

This will give them such time to ponder

the geopolitical ramifications of being mean to me.

Um, whose Van is that?

I don't know.

Wasn't locked.

Buffy.

Buffy, i... i don't know how to say this.

I'm sorry for how I treated you before.

It was wrong of me and...

I'm sorry.

You were great tonight, really.

I may not deserve this, but...

Do you think you could forgive me?

Grr! Arrgh!