Original subtitles

Lad�es and gentlemen. has th�s ever happened to you?

These g�rls m�ssed an �mportant telephone call.

Don't let the same th�ng happen tomorrow n�ght.

What can we do?

Subscr�be to an answer�ng serv�ce.

An answering service?

An answer�ng serv�ce �s a serv�ce wh�ch answers your telephone when you are out...

...g�ves and takes your messages. and reaches you wherever you are.

On Mew Yorh's smart East S�de...

...the smartest Easts�ders all use Susanswerphone.

-Susanswerphone? -Th�s �s what Susanswerphone...

...can do for you.

Wh�le you were out, the agency called. You've got the �ob.

Wh�le you were out, your lawyer called. Your uncle's left you everyth�ng �n h�s w�ll.

Wh�le you were out_he" called...

...and sa�d to tell you he wants to marry you.

So �o�n the cream of New York's el�te. Use Susanswerphone.

Our luxur�ous off�ces exude charm. elegance. conf�dence...

...ch�c good taste and glamour.

Susanswerphone.

-Mrs. Van Rensselaer's residence. -Hello. �s Mrs. Van Rensselaer at home?

No. but she may be reached in care of Countess Torpolino in Portofino. Italy.

-Thanh you. -Not at all.

Boy. it's hot.

-Susanswerphone. -Th�s �s Mrs. Mallet.

-ls th�s Santa Claus? -Yes. Mrs. Mallet. Put Junior on.

Hello, Santa Claus.

-Hello? -l hear you're not eating your spinach again .

That makes Santa very sad.

-All r�ght, Santa Claus. l w�ll. Goodbye. -Goodbye.

-l'd l�ke to make a reservat�on. -Sorry. we're closed for all of August.

Thanks.

-Yes? -Th�s �s Mr. Chandler.

The l�nes at Grand Central are busy.

Could you tell me when the n�ght tra�n leaves for Vermont?

l'll look it right up for you. Mr. Chandler.

This is Dr. Kitchell's Dental Clinic. One moment. please.

Mr. Chandler. your train Ieaves at 1 O:45 p.m.

This is the dental clinic. May l help you?

Th�s �s Mr. Ferguson.

That br�dge he put �n yesterday just collapsed.

Oh. Mr. Ferguson. l'm terribly sorry.

You can reach Dr. Kitchell at the Harmony Music Publishing Company.

What? Swell place for a dent-- G�ve me the number there, w�ll you?

One moment. l'll look it up for you.

-Susanswerphone. -H�. baby. Let me talk to N�ck.

You have the wrong number.

Mr. Ferguson?

You can reach doctor at Jasper 4-5066.

-Jeffrey Moss residence. -Th�s �s Olga. Can l talk to Jeffrey. please?

l'm sorry. Miss Olga. but Mr. Moss is in conference on his play.

Conference? He's asleep. Mow, you put me through.

l'm sorry. Miss-- Hold on. Miss Olga.

-Susanswerphone. -Hello? Th�s �s Ros�na Gr�mald�.

Madame Grimaldi. how's your laryngitis?

And l owe �t all to you and your wonderful mustard plaster.

Oh. l'm so glad. Listen. that mustard plaster's so pure...

...if there's any left. you can put it on a hot dog.

l'm so grateful. l'm send�ng you beaut�ful ball gown made for _ra_iata.

Arrivederci, arrivederci. darl�ng.

Hey. Madame Grimaldi's sending me a ball gown made for Tray�ata.

Where you gonna wear it?

Miss Olga. l'm sorry to have kept you waiting.

Can l take a message for Mr. Moss?

l've been wa�t�ng s�nce 1 1 for h�m to tahe me to the races!

l can't spend my whole l�fe wa�t�ng for h�m to take me to the racest

For heaven's sake.

''The races!''

That's all he needs is to be taken to the races.

As if he hasn't got enough trouble now.

Ella.

When are you gonna stop worrying about that playboy?

He's not a playboy. He's a very talented playwright.

All he does is play. he never writes.

l beg your pardon?

He and his partner have written most of the successful successes on Broadway.

So. what's his problem?

-His partner left him. -So?

He has to write alone.

So let him write alone. Big deal.

Don't you see what that can mean to somebody?

He's terrified that he might not be able to make it alone.

-He's sensitive. he's creative. -Hi. girls.

Hi. He's artistic.

Oh. Ella.

Look at this.

Miss Number 63 is canceling service...

...because she's marrying Mr. Number 78.

Oh. how wonderful.

l had nothing to do with it.

l happened to know that Miss Number 63 wanted to mate her female Siamese cat.

And l also knew that Mr. Number 78 had a male Siamese cat.

So l told her. and she called him...

-...and they all got together. -The fact remains...

...we now have one account instead of two.

Ella. l have told you a thousand times...

...just give and take messages. That's all.

Don't be so helpful to the subscribers. It could get us into trouble.

Why don't you help yourself and get yourself a man?

Ella. what are you doing here? l made that date for you at 5:OO.

-Do l have to go? -Do you have...?

Ella. this is the sixth young man l've dredged up this year.

He's a very nice young man. He's the nephew of my dearest friend...

...so please make an effort.

All right.

Ella.

All right.

Don't forget to wake Jeffrey Moss up in time for his appointment.

All that yakety-yak at the board. yet every time she goes out with a real fella...

-...she clams up like an oyster. -She's a little shy.

-Her fingers turn into thumbs. -lt takes a little while--

-She knocks things over. spills drinks. -Maybe--

The only thing she hasn't done is catch on fire.

Miss Pringle's residence.

l couldn't possibly hold a table for that length of time. l have reservations--

-Let me look. -Captain. captain.

-One moment. -Will we get our table soon?

-l'll check as soon as l can. -We've been waiting.

l'm afraid my date is going to die of starvation.

-l'll check as soon as l can. -Would you. please? Thank you.

Hello. Mr. Chase? Yes. 10:1 5. a party of four.

-That's the best l can do. -l seem to have picked out the wrong place.

They're so busy here. we may have to do our own cooking.

Anyway. we have these. Now. if we could just get our table. Captain?

You're being an awfully good sport about all this.

Well. Iet's have a toast to friendship.

Friendship is the gift of the--

-l'm sorry. -Oh. l'm sorry.

Just when l'm trying to make a good impression.

-Oh. l'll get it. -Oh. no. l'll get--

-Oh. it's-- -Sorry. l--

l hope l didn't hurt you.

You'll think l'm an awful oaf.

l'd better get another drink.

-Oh. no. take this one. -No. you keep that.

-No. no. no. -Let's share it. then.

-All right. -You take the first sip.

lt's getting so late. l wish they'd-- Oh. captain.

Oh. it is getting late.

Oh. l missed him again.

You know. l'm not usually this clumsy.

lf you wanna know the truth. l'm a little nervous.

Blind dates don't usually turn out this well.

And l approached this date with some trepidation.

l've had some terrible experiences.

You know. my aunt. bless her. but she and some of her friends...

...including. if you'll forgive me. your cousin Sue...

...have come up with some of the most awful dog--

Excuse me. some of the strangest girls.

So when you showed up....

You know. you're a good listener.

That's an art in itself.

Helps to build the other person's ego.

l guess you must be thinking that l'm kind of garrulous...

...the way l've monopolized the conversation. but--

-Oh. captain. -l'm checking on your table right now. sir.

Oh. thank you. that's--

Oh. l'm sorry.

-Your table is ready now. This way. please. -Thank you.

Good. we can go now--

-Oh. l'm sorry. -Really. it's all right.

Oh. l'm sorry.

l guess nothing else can happen to us.

You have days where nothing goes right. That happened to me last week.

-From the first thing in-- -l'm terribly sorry.

My fault. madam.

Anyway. it's possible that the stars have something to do with that.

l've read about that....

Well. you just beat your own record.

Door to door in 45 minutes.

-How'd it go? -Oh. fine.

My date suddenly remembered a pressing engagement.

With a tailor?

-Yes. -Well. what happened?

Dr. Stafford's office.

-Th�s �s Mrs. Herman. -Oh. Mrs. Herman.

Your basal metabolism test is at 9 tomorrow.. .

...so don't eat when you wake up. not even coffee. And don't smoke. please.

-Thanh you. -Goodbye.

-Hey. Gwynne. where's Sue? -You're safe.

-She's out with Otto. -Who?

-You know. that European recording guy. -Oh. good.

l put a file in this bread in case you wanna break out of here.

-Hi. Carl. -Hi.

lf you got money on you. l'd be delighted to treat you to a soda at the drugstore.

Oh. l'd love it.

-Ella. -Oh. go ahead. Gwynne. l'll be here.

-Thanks. -Did you remember to wake Jeffrey Moss?

l tried. The sleeping prince said to call him again at 6:OO.

But that means he didn't keep his appointment with his producer.

Ella. he's only a disembodied voice. remember?

Jeffrey Moss is just Plaza O-4433.

He doesn't mean any more than any other subscriber to me.

Six o'clock. l have to wake him.

Yeah.

Hello. Mr. Moss?

-ls that you, Mom? -Yes. it's 6:OO.

Time to get up.

One moment. please.

Ella. aren't you ever gonna give up that old lady's voice you use on him?

He needs a mother.

Hello. Mr. Moss? You left yourself this message:

''Get up. you three-toed sloth. You've got an appointment with Larry Hastings...

...about your play The M�das Touch.''

Well. you missed that appointment. Mr. Moss.

Tell what you do:

You call me back �n a couple hours.

Oh. no. Mr. Moss.

l'm �n love

W�th a man

Pla2a O. double 4. double 3

What a perfect relat�onsh�p

l can't see h�m He can't see me

l'm �n love w�th a vo�ce

Pla2a O. double 4. double 3

What a perfect relat�onsh�p

l talk to h�m

And he �ust talhs to me

And yet l can't help wonder�ng

What does he looh l�he?

l w�sh l knew

What does he looh l�he?

ls he 6-foot-7 or 3-foot-2?

Has he eyes of brown or baby blue?

B�g and m�ghty or underfed?

Tr�m black mustache or beard of red?

Can he dance l�ke Fred Asta�re?

ls he dark or �s he fa�r?

Pompadour or not a ha�r?

Well, I don't care!

l'm �n love w�th a man

Pla2a O. double 4. double 3

What a perfect relat�onsh�p

And that's how th�ngs should always be

Our love can never lose �ts mystery

Because l'll never meet h�m

And he'll never meet me

No. he'll never meet me

What does he looh l�he?

My sleep�ng pr�nce

What does he looh l�he?

Tough as na�ls w�th a black c�gar?

As handsome as a mov�e star?

Stern as an eagle. shy as a dove?

A face that only a mother could love?

lt doesn't matter what he �s

l'm h�s, h�s, h�s

But he's st�ll �ust a vo�ce

Pla2a O. double 4. double 3

What a perfect relat�onsh�p

l can't see h�m He can't see me

He calls me "Mom" He th�nks l'm 63

And l'll never meet h�m

And he'll never meet me

No. he'll never meet me

-Susanswerphone. -Hi. Mom?

Yes. Mr. Moss?

-l'm gonna be in all night working. -Work�ng?

Got a little old fire to put out here.

l don't know what time l'll get to bed. but you call me at 7.

Seven a.m.? All r�ght, Mr. Moss, l'll wake you. Good n�ght.

-Oh. Mom. you still there? -Yes.

lf you don't mind. l just sort of thought maybe you and l could shoot the breeze.

Or chew the old fat-eroo.

Mom. l'm scared.

Oh. you mustn't be.

l know. you've told me that a thousand times...

...but this is it. This is my last chance.

Last chance?

Yeah. Larry just blew his stack and he said if l don't come in with an outline...

...of the last two acts by 4 p.m. tomorrow. he's gonna drop The M�das Touch.

Mr. Moss. l know you can write by yourself without your partner.

Now. you sit down and finish that outline.

Mom. you really care what happens to me. don't you?

No ax to grind.

Not like the bunch of phonies that l pal around with.

You hnow, you're the only person �n the world l can really talk to. Mom.

Thank you. Mr. Moss.

Now you get to work.

You're right. Mom. l will. And don't forget. 7.

You gotta do �t, you gotta do �t

Gotta do �t all alone

Mo one else w�ll do �t for you

You're on your own

Do �t

lt may be love or war Or mopp�ng up the floor

But �ust do �t

0on't send a fr�end who's true To p�tch a woo for you

Or you'll rue �t

Do �t yourself

Don't fake �t

lf you're a fake, you won't make �t

Wa�t for your break and then take �t

For t�me and t�de They wa�t for no man

Go, go, go, man Do �t

To prove a po�nt at hand Just looh at old M�les Stand�sh

Who blew �t

He sa�d. "John Alden. W�ll you go ask Pr�sc�lla to do �t?"

M�les got the heave-ho

Man

Pr�sc�lla sa�d. "Now that M�les �s gone

Speak for yourself, dear John"

He blew �t So do �t. do �t

Do �t yourself

What's the use?

l'll never make it alone.

Francie.

Francie!

Here it is.

The minute one of those girls gets on the phone. turn on the tape recorder.

Are you sure about this. Inspector Barnes?

Mr. Barnes. you meathead.

l'm gonna get a promotion for closing up this joint.

Just because the law arrested all those girls at All-Alone-A-Phone...

.. .doesn't mean every answering service is a front for...

-...a lonely-hearts club. -Come on.

How do you do?

My name is Barnes. We're doing a little article on the answering services.

We're from...

... Vogue magazine.

We'd just like to ask you a couple of questions.

-Vogue_ -Yes.

Me? Oh. well. thank you. l'd be glad to.

-Won't you sit down? -No. thank you. We'll stand.

-l'll be with you in a minute. -Alrighty.

Now. tell me. do you enjoy doing this line of work?

Oh. l love it here. l used to be a plain switchboard operator in a lingerie house.

Pretty dull. except for a little modeling on the side.

Modeling on the side. huh?

But this is so much more personal. l come into contact with so many different types...

...and l can give each one the particular kind of help he needs.

My cousin Sue thinks l spend too much time with each one.

She keeps saying. ''Get it over with and get on to the next one.''

-Excuse me. -Yes. of course.

Madame Grimaldi's.

No. the madame is out.

Well. there's several of us.

Oh. that's me.

Charge? For any friend of Madame Grimaldi's. it's free.

-Okay. hang it up. -Excuse me. sir-- What do you mean--?

-Get your toothbrush and come on along. -My toothbrush?

-lt's hot. -What do you do?

-l work here. -Well. maybe you better come along too.

Just park the car. Otto. and hurry back.

Why. girls. what are these men doing here?

We're closing the joint. You're all coming along.

Women's detention home.

lnspector Barnes. vice squad.

l knew it. l knew you'd get us into trouble. l warned you.

-But. inspector. what did we do wrong? -Well. l'll just let you speak for yourself.

Madame Gr�mald�'s.

No. the madame �s out.

Well. there are several of us.

Oh, that's me.

Charge? For any fr�end of Madame Gr�mald�'s. �t's free.

Okay. which one is the madam?

That's Madame Grimaldi. the opera star.

l recommended a mustard plaster for her cold. so then her....

Have you got a dirty mind!

Okay. inspector. you take me down to the women's detention home.

By the time l'm through with you. l'll have you demoted to a chicken inspector.

And here's our list of subscribers. inspector.

Oh. well.... Well. all right. l made a mistake.

Maybe....

Listen. l'm gonna be around. and l'm gonna be listening in.

-Monitoring the phone? -Any personal talk with a subscriber...

...or let's say. meeting any male clients on the outside...

...and you and the madame are gonna be taking calls at the women's detention home.

Otto.

l have the keys to your car.

You have the keys to my heart.

Oh. Otto.

Oh. this is my cousin. Ella Peterson.

And this is Gwynne.

And this is a Mr. Barnes.

Mr. Barnes. Charmed.

Let me present myself.

l am J. Otto Prantz. president of the Titanic Record Company...

...purveyors of classical music.

Titanic Records. the highest fi of them all.

This lovely lady has persuaded me...

...to move all my recording enterprises here...

...where l'll embark on a sales campaign...

...on an overall urban-saturation basis...

...to bring Kultur to the masses.

That's very interesting. professor.

Well. goodbye. Mr. Barnes.

Well. now. this has been a pleasure. Iadies.

But you just remember what l told you.

Come on. Francie.

Take care. You know it's illegal to pass on information you receive to a subscriber...

-...even for a mustard plaster. -Francie.

Oh. Otto. You can put your things right over here.

Splendid.

Oh. Otto. l'll take that.

Ella. please. remember what Inspector Barnes said.

Stay out of the lives of the subscribers.

Oh. l know they all need help.

Dr. Kitchell wants to write songs.

Blake Barton wants to be an actor. But they'll get along.

All you have to do is give...

-...and take messages. that's all. -And take messages. that's all.

l mean it.

lf that's the way things are gonna be. l might as well...

...be back at the Bonjour Tristesse Brassiere Company.

Oh. Otto. it's lovely!

Oh. l am desolate.

l must go to a very important board of directors meeting...

...at the Titanic Records and tell them of our new million-dollar expansion program...

...for Susanswerphone.

Let's go. come on. step lively now. Come on. fella.

Come on. come on. Let's go. come on.

lnside. inside.

lnside. Let's go. come on.

Come on. Iadies. Iet's go. Step it up.

What is this...?

Gentlemen. gentlemen...

...and ladies.

The first board of directors meeting of the Titanic Record Company...

...is hereby called to order.

ln other words. good evening. fellow bookies.

Titanic Records. What is Titanic Records?

That's us. At last. a foolproof system. which will allow us to operate...

...under the eyes of the law...

...and yet seem to be serving the cause of Kultur.

Now. to begin with. we do not make bets on horses.

-We take orders for records. -Records?

What does he mean, ''records''?

There are many different racetracks in the country.

There is Del Mar. Pimlico. Hollywood Park. Rockingham...

...and in Florida. the famous Hialeah racetrack. to mention but a few.

Now. Louis. Louis. ask me about placing a typical bet.

l'll bet 500 bucks on the nose on number six...

...in the third race at Belmont.

Splendid. Now. consult your charts carefully.

As one of the agents for the Titanic Record Company...

...you will call me up and say. ''l would like to place an order.''

That's bets. ''For 500 albums.'' That's bucks.

''Long-playing.'' That's on the nose.

''Of Beethoven.'' That's Belmont.

" S�xth Symphony." That's horse number six.

''Opus Three.'' Third race.

''l would like to place an order for 500 albums...

...long-playing. of Beethoven's S�xth Symphony. Opus Three."

lt's a s�mple l�ttle system Any ch�ld can understand

The composer's name. we l�st them W�th the racetracks of the land

W�th a s�mple l�ttle system We'll be close by fortune's door

And to th�nk that no one ever Ever thought of �t before

Gentlemen. gentlemen. Iook at your charts.

What �s Beethoven?

Belmont Park

Where's Pucc�n�?

P�ml�co

Who �s Humperd�nch?

Hollywood

What �s Beethoven?

Beethoven �s Belmont Park

Where's Pucc�n�?

Pucc�n� �s P�ml�co

Who �s Humperd�nch?

Humperd�nch �s Hollywood

That �s correct Turn the page

What's Tcha�kovsky?

Church�ll Downs

Who's Mussorgsky?

Monmouth Park

What's Rachman�noff?

Roch�ngham

What's Tcha�kovsky?

Tcha�kovsky �s Church�ll Downs

Who's Mussorgsky?

Mussorgsky �s Monmouth Park

What's Rachman�noff?

Rachman�noff �s Rock�ngham

That �s correct Turn the page

lt's a s�mple l�ttle system

-We're �mpat�ent to beg�n -Oh, yes, oh, yes

A s�mple l�ttle system

When the law �s l�sten�ng �n

We w�ll tahe those record orders

ln a very cultured tone

Wh�le we're really book�ng horses Over at Susanswerphone

We'll be r�ch We'll be r�ch

We'll be r�ch

Debussy �s Del Mar Humperd�nch �s Hollywood

C�sar Franck �s Fa�rgrounds S�bel�us �s Sportsman's Park

Berl�o2 �s Ba�nbr�dge H�ndem�th �s Hawthorne

Offenbach �s Omaha

Everybody. all together now.

Who �s Beethoven?

-Belmont Parh -S�mple l�ttle system

Who's Pucc�n�?

-P�ml�co -S�mple l�ttle system

Who's Tcha�kovsky?

-Church�ll Downs -We're booh�es

And Shostakov�ch �s Saratoga

What �s Handel?

H�aleah, H�aleah

Who �s Handel?

H�aleah, H�aleah

Oh, what a system!

Seven o'clock.

Okay. sleeping prince.

-Why doesn't he answer? -Titanic Records?

Over there.

-Has there been a phone there before? -Yes. The box is still there.

-Good morning. -Good morning.

-l brought you some coffee. -Thank you.

Come on. l'll take over. You've been on long enough.

-l'm just giving someone his wake-up. -Jeffrey Moss. That one.

He takes up more time than all the other subscribers put together.

Okay. Ella.

All right. Ella. get up.

Oh. no. This is a very important wake-up. Sue.

There. You see? Someone was trying to get him.

-Jeffrey Moss residence. -ls he �n? Th�s �s Larry Hast�ngs.

Oh. no. Mr. Hastings. Cannot reach Mr. Moss.

-What is the message. Mr. Hastings? -Quote: ''Sure you won't show up at 4...

...w�th outl�ne of The Midas Touch.

The M�das Touch.

Have taken opt�on on another play. Hope you en�oy tr�p to sh�d row." Unquote.

Sue. that's a very important message. He's got to get that message.

-This is his last chance. -His last chance?

lt's your last chance. Remember what Inspector Barnes said.

Now. it's your day off. Get out of here.

lf Jeff Moss can't pick up his phone by himself. he's beyond help.

He probably unplugged it anyway.

Unplugged?

Unplugged.

-Good morning. l�ebchen. -Otto.

l have some wonderful news for you.

Sue. the board of directors last night...

...voted you honorary member by proxy in absentee.

Oh. Otto!

My telephone.

Titanic Records.

Oh. yes. Yes. Just a moment. please.

Yes? Fifteen hundred albums...

...ot Puccini's E�ghth P�ccolo Concerto, Opus One.

l'll ship them right out.

Hello. shipping department.

Fifteen hundred albums of Puccini's E�ghth P�ccolo Concerto, Opus One.

All three speeds.

You see? It's simple. You just pick up the phone...

...jot down the message. call the shipping department on this phone...

...and you give them the message just as you get it.

Titanic Records.

-Morning. -Yes.

Seventy-five albums.

Brandenburg Concerto ...

...f�ye. LP. Thank you.

Hello. shipping department?

Seventy-five albums of Bach's Th�rd Brandenburg Concerto...

...Opus f�ye. LP. Right.

Hey. Titanic Records. Is that a new label?

-Only the finest European recordings. -Brandenburg Mumber Three.

l have the Leonard Bernstein recording. Who's on your label?

The Dusseldorf luider lee Hanseatic League Symphony on the Karlsruhe.

Now. please. We are very busy here.

Sure. sure. Sorry.

Hi. Carl. Where are you going?

Max's Dog and Cat Beauty Shop. Sorry. we're not open till 9 a.m. Thank you.

Are you out of your mind?

Women's detention home.

Listen. he'll never know who l am. l'll just wake him and leave.

But how you gonna get in?

-l'll think of something. -Ella. take that. please.

Women's detention home.

Max's Cat and Dog House. l mean. Max's Dog and Cat--

-Hello. -Hello.

-Goodbye. -Oh. no.

-Wait a minute. -No. l must be in the wrong apartment.

l had a 7:OO apartment in the wrong appointment. l mean--

-This isn't 54 Sutton Place South. -No. this is 64.

-That's what l thought. -l could go back to sleep or call a cop.

-No. please don't do that. -Never fear. l won't call the police.

l give you your freedom.

No. l mean. don't go back to sleep.

lt's after 7:OO already.

lt's 7:OO?

-l told Mom to call me at 7. -Your phone's unplugged.

Oh. yeah. l must have pulled it out last night.

l was looking for something to hang myself with.

-Mom? -l've been r�ng�ng you s�nce--

Oh. you're not Mom. You're the other one.

There's a message for you from Mr. Hast�ngs.

Quote: "Sure you won't show up at 4 today w�th outl�ne of The Midas Touch.

-Have taken opt�on on another play. -Option on another play?

-Hope you en�oy your tr�p to sk�d row_ -Didn't he say who wrote it?

Shakespeare? Tennessee Williams?

-Tennessee Ernie? -l beg your pardon?

lt's all right. Goodbye.

Good old Larry. A phony like the rest of them.

Well. might as well go to sleep forever. Goodbye. Iady.

-You shouldn't do that. -What'd you say?

l said. you shouldn't do that. You won't be able to do your work.

Look. Iady. l hope you won't be offended if l let you know...

...that my evil habits are no concern of yours. Will you get out of here?

-You won't do your work. -Thank you very much.

Miss?

-What work? -lf you wanna drink at this hour...

...there must be some work you're trying to avoid.

l know from my own experience.

ln high school. l'd do anything to keep from doing my homework.

Mostly. l'd sharpen pencils. You know. the yellow kind that says ''Ticonderoga''?

Well. l'd sharpen it to the ''Ticonderog.'' and then to the ''Ticonder''...

...and then to the ''Ticond.'' then to the ''Tic.'' then to the ''Ti'' ...

...and then to the ''T.''

Then l'd have to start on another pencil.

Anything but face that awful blank page.

-Oh. yeah. -Oh. sure. go ahead. Drink.

-Ruin your last chance. -Last chan-- Last chance to do what?

Well. whatever it's your last chance to do. You look desperate to me.

l'm about to be ill.

You wouldn't happen to have a cup of coffee on you?

Yes. l would.

And a cheese Danish?

Prune.

-Oh. listen. Miss...? -Scott.

Melisande.

Moss. Jeffrey.

-Sit down. Miss Scott. -No. l can't because l have to go.

Oh. well. now that my vision has cleared up a bit...

...and l'm beginning to see shapes and colors at more than 6 inches away...

...you're beginning to look pretty good to me...

...since l haven't anything to do for the next 10.OOO years....

That's just another way of avoiding your work. Girls.

And you do have something to do. You have an appointment to keep.

-Who said so? -Your 7:OO call. Stay up and start writing.

You can write alone. You did it once before.

-How do you know l did it once before? -Because anybody who's a writer...

...must have written something by himself once.

-Did l say l was a writer? -No. but you're not a plumber. are you?

-No. -Well....

But you don't think so yourself. or you'd be writing...

...instead of running around and coming home at 7 in the morning...

...and sleeping all day.

lt's uncanny.

-Are you plugged into me somewhere? -No.

-You know me from someplace. -No.

-You're psychic. -Yes.

l'm very intuitive.

l get feelings about people. l know a lot about you just from listening to you talk.

And l see visions.

-What's the matter? -l see one now. It's a vision of you.

What am l doing?

Nothing. You're lying facedown in the gutter.

-Stop it. You're scaring the hell out of me. -Sorry. that's what l see.

My visions are never wrong. unless you do something about it.

l tried analysis. l might as well try witchcraft.

We'll go the old witchcraft routine.

We'll get the doll. we'll get the pins. and the boiling water and the drums.

Anything you want me to do. l'll do it.

-All right. Do as l say. -Yeah?

-Go to your typewriter. -Yeah?

-Sit down. -Yeah?

-And now... -Yeah?

...write it.

l knew there was a catch to it.

Oh. that's enough. You're not so badly off.

l know a guy whose father's forcing him to be a dentist. He wants to be a composer.

The poor fellow sits up in an office all day Iong composing songs on an air hose.

Nobody's keeping you from doing what you want.

Nobody except yourself.

You're afraid everybody's gonna say. ''Oh. the partner's the talented one.''

Well. so what?

You call other people phonies because you hate yourself.

You're afraid what you write isn't gonna be important. so you don't write anything.

Boy. do you know me.

Mr. Moss. you have to have confidence in yourself.

l don't even know you. but l have confidence in you.

-You do? -Yes. l do.

-You're crazy. -Yes. l know.

l'll try.

Hey. wait a minute.

l don't think l can do this unless you're here.

So that's what you looh l�he

At last l know

You're better Better than a dream

What you are Is better far than a dream

l tr�ed to p�cture your face

But now l see you

You're out of th�s world You're out of th�s sphere

You're out of that outer space

Better, better than a dream

What �s real Is more �deal than a dream

To see and hear you To be so near you

ls better Better than a dream

Can th�s be a dream?

Can l st�ll be asleep On the couch there?

Can th�s g�rl be really here?

She seems to know by sheer �ntu�t�on How l landed �n th�s cond�t�on

Boy, does she know me

The way that l th�nh, the way that l dr�nh The fact that l slept all year

But �t's not a dream

Because look. l've got some words On the paper

Steady, boy, don't fa�nt or scream

Don't ask who sent you Th�s angel

lt's better Better than a dream

-lt's better. better than a dream -Can th�s be a dream?

Can l st�ll be asleep on the couch there?

-What you are �s better far than a dream -Can th�s g�rl be really here?

-l tr�ed to p�cture your face -She seems to hnow by sheer �ntu�t�on

How l landed �n th�s cond�t�on

-But now l see you -Boy, does she know me

-You're out of th�s world -The way that l th�nk

-You're out of that outer space -The fact that l slept all year

-But �t's not a dream -Better, better than a dream

Because look. l've got some words On the paper

-Steady, boy, don't fa�nt -What �s real

-Or scream -ls more �deal than a dream

-Don't ask who sent you -To see and hear you

-Th�s angel -To be so near you

-ls better. better than a dream -ls better. better than a dream

What's the matter? You're shaking.

He liked it. Larry liked it.

Well. of course he liked it.

He said it's not quite written yet. and he made me promise to go to the country...

...and whip it. but by and large. it's something of a miracle.

lt's not a miracle. You did it.

-And you know what? -What?

You're the miracle.

What's the matter? You blind? Where do you think you're going?

Don't give me none of that. Driving around here. nobody takes any care.

The light was still green. He says it was red. It was green.

-People. Wow. -What'd you expect? Herrings?

Look at them. A band of cutthroats.

You ever see such hatred?

lf l so much as asked one of these people for the time. they'd turn into a lynch mob.

Everybody wants to be friendly. only nobody's willing to make the first move.

Why don't you say hello to this nice man over here?

He'd appreciate it.

Him? That's Dracula's uncle. the Wolf Man.

The only thing he'd appreciate would be a nice. fresh cup of blood.

Oh. it's so easy. All you have to do is say hello.

Watch.

-Hello. -What'd you say?

-All right. easy. -l just said hello.

Hello? Hello?

Did you just say hello?

This is the first time in 30 years a stranger's ever said hello to me on the street.

Hello. My name's Ludwig Smiley.

-How do you do? Meet Mr. Moss. -Hello.

-Hello. Ludwig. -My name's Smiley. Hello.

Oh. hello. My name is Charlie Bessemer.

Meet my friend. Mr. Ross.

-Moss. -Hello. Mr. Ross.

-Hello. This is Miss Scott. -Miss Scott.

-How do you do? -Hello. My name is Charlie Bessemer.

-l'm Miss Kuznesniv. -This is Miss Scott.

-How do you do? -Hello. Miss Scott.

Meet Mr. Moss. Miss Kuznesniv.

-Mr. Ross. -Miss Kuznesniv. hello.

-Hello. My name's Lattera. -l'm Mrs. Grover.

-Well. why don't you try it this time? -Oh. no.

Oh. come on. Go on.

-Hello. -No handouts.

Oh. l don't want anything. l just want to say hello.

The name's Jeffrey Moss.

Well. hello there. l'm Barney Lampwick.

Say. hello. l'm Barney Lampwick.

-Hello. -Oh. hello.

-Moss is the name. -l'm Bernie Denster.

-Have some peanuts. -This is Miss Scott.

How are you. Miss Scott? Have some peanuts.

-You call these peanuts? -Yeah. peanuts.

Marvelous!

Hello!

Look at me. l'm walking. l haven't walked around this city in years.

-Mom wouldn't believe this. Let's call her. -Who?

Mom. The little old lady that works at my answering service. Come on.

Where are we? Oh. 45th Street.

-l have to go to Brooklyn Heights. -Brooklyn Heights?

-Yeah. Goodbye. -Goodbye? Mel.

Mel!

Mel!

l have to go. Please don't ask me any questions.

-Just believe me. -Of course l believe you.

l got a built-in Geiger counter. l could spot a phony a mile off.

You're the only honest person l ever met in my whole life.

-Honest person? -lf l couldn't believe in you...

...after everything that's happened today...

...l'd just crumble away like a stale sponge cake.

Well. then believe me. l have to go.

But wait a second. l'll be gone for two weeks. When will l see you?

-l don't know. -l'll call you from the country.

-No phone. -No phone? Wait a minute.

You promise that you'll see me two weeks from today. or l don't go at all.

ln fact. l'll tail you to Brooklyn Heights right now.

-Well. all right. -All right.

No. It's all right.

A week from Wednesday. your place. 8:OO.

-Promise? -Promise.

-Goodbye. -Goodbye.

Wednesday. 8:OO.

And don't forget the cheese Danish.

l met a g�rl A wonderful g�rl

She's really got a lot To recommend her for a g�rl

Fabulous creature W�thout any doubt

Hey, what am l gett�ng So exc�ted about?

She's �ust a g�rl An everyday g�rl

And yet l guess she's really Rather spec�al for a g�rl

For once you have seen her The others are out

Hey, what am l gett�ng So exc�ted about?

But so what? What has she got Others have not?

Two eyes, two l�ps, a nose All g�rls have some of those

But when she looks up at me What do l see?

The most enchant�ng face My pulse beg�ns to race

Hey. l met a g�rl A marvelous g�rl

She's rarer than uran�um And fa�rer than a pearl

Found me a treasure And l wanna shout

Th�s �s what l'm gett�ng so exc�ted about

l met a g�rl and l fell �n love Today

-Kramer Music. -Message for Kramer.

Th�s �s Morty Hopper of the Pyram�d Club. We need some songs fast.

So Tuesday at 10 we're gonna have a lot of songwr�ters �n to peddle the�r f�sh. Got that?

Right. Thank you. Hey. what an opportunity for Dr. Kitchell.

-l could tell him. He brings his songs-- -Ella!

But if he could only sell one song. it might change his entire life.

Remember Inspector Barnes.

l love your sunny teeth

Your funny. sunny teeth

They're l�ke a pearly wreath

-That hangs so-- -Hello.

Hello?

-So you're Dr. Kitchell. the dentist. -Yeah. isn't it wonderful?

l'm sorry. l forgot we had an appointment. Won't you sit down?

Excuse me.

Now. what did you say you name is?

Well. it started hurting as l came down the hall.

All...

...right.

Excuse me.

Teeth.

Not bad. Lean back. please. Open wide.

-l don't see anything. -But it hurts.

You don't see anyth�ng But �t hurts

Though you can't see the pa�n �n my heart Oh, oh, how �t hurts

Not bad.

Tell me. is it sensitive to hot and cold?

F�rst you're hot and then you're cold Then you're shy and then you're bold

But l'm always sens�t�ve to you

Gee. those songs are pretty.

-Did you like them? -Oh. yes.

You're the first one. l lose more patients this way.

l'm a terrible dentist. l make up songs all the time.

And l can make up songs about anything. Just give me a subject. a title. anything.

What are you thinking of? Off the top of your head?

-The Midas touch. -The Midas touch.

lt's about a king and gold.

That's simple.

The M�das touch

That m�ghty, m�ghty, m�ghty M�das touch

M�das wanted gold so much

-Oh. that's brilliant. -Oh. it's nothing.

-Well. l guess you'll be there. -Where?

The Pyramid Club. Tuesday at 10 a.m. They're auditioning songs.

-l'll be there at 9:30. -You write that down. now.

Yes. Yes. l will.

Pyramid Club.

Madison Avenue.

Mort Hopper.

Oh. golly. l don't know how to--

l....

Oh. miss? Oh. miss?

Oh. M�ss�ss�pp� steamboat Round�ng the bend

l'm com�ng home to you

Ma�den fa�r. up your r�ver You lazy boat, you

-Susanswerphone. -Th�s �s Larry Hast�ngs. Any messages?

Just a moment.

Blake Barton. the actor. called.

He wants to know if there's a part for him in your new production. The M�das Touch.

Blake Barton? Neyer! I'm s�ck of actors...

...who won't wear su�ts and who sound as �f they've got a mouthful of marbles.

Thanks. l mean. goodbye.

Ella. what are you doing?

-l'm just calling Blake Barton. -Ella.

-Hello. Blake Barton here. -Susanswerphone.

Oh, h�ya, g�rl. Hey, thanhs a lot for that t�p you gave me the other day...

...but, well, they d�dn't d�g my act�on.

They sa�d they were look�ng for a Rex Harr�son type. Engl�sh.

So l sa�d. "What's the matter w�th me? l speak Engl�sh_

-No messages. -Yeah, well, that's crazy, g�rl.

-Look. l'll be at M�ke's. -Crazy.

-Good afternoon. Mr. Swenson. -Oh. good afternoon. Miss Ella.

What an interesting hat.

Mike. Iet me have another cup....

They wanted things like Iove. hate and anger.

So for my acting exercise. l picked this part. see...

...and in it. l'm supposed to be this. you know. frustrated guy.

Now. l gotta find the right image to show...

...frustration.

So l get this image. see. of a ostrich.

A ostrich trying to bury his head in a cement pavement.

Dig it.

-You see that? You get the image? -Cuckoo. Cuckoo.

-Cuckoo. -Cuckoo.

l said ''uh.''

ls that your motorcycle outside?

Yeah.

-lt's crazy. huh? -Cuckoo.

Cuckoo.

Hey. you get the part in The M�das Touch?

Hey. man. you didn't go in there with that on. did you?

What do you want me to do? Go in without it on. in the ever-loving nude?

Did you ever try wearing a suit?

Suit?

A suit. S-U-T.

What do you think l am. a fake?

A suit. We got a name for actors who wear suits.

Be a punk imitation the rest of your life.

l'm telling you. you want the job. you gotta cut the blue-jeans action.

You know what l mean?

Look around you. You're a glut on the market.

Like. man. like. dig. like. like. like. you're nothing.

Yeah. but a suit.

Fifteen hundred copies of Beethoven's Tenth Symphony, Opus S�x.

Opus S�K. Yes. it's a big seller today.

Hello. Shipping department.

1 500 copies of Beethoven's Tenth Symphony. Opus S�x.

Ella. will you please tell Sue l will meet her at 8...

...at the Crying Gypsy Caf�.

Just have to watch them run off the Beethoven pressing at the Long Island plant.

-Titanic Records. -Hi. Ella.

Hi.

An order of 300 albums...

...of Beethoven's Tenth Symphony, Opus S�K. LP. Thank you.

Gee. that's a popular piece.

Hey. there must be a mistake in that order. Beethoven only wrote nine symphonies.

Really? But we had over 5000 orders for Beethoven's Tenth.

Well. they gotta mean the N�nth.

Tchaikovsky. six. Brahms. four. Beethoven. nine.

Well. you sure know your music.

-l better tell the shipping department. huh? -Yeah.

Hello. shipping.

l have an order here for 300 albums of _eethoyen's N�nth Symphony. Opus S�x. LP.

Yeah.

Listen. change all those other orders from Beethoven's Tenth to Beethoven's N�nth.

Well. sure. l'm sure.

Absolutely sure.

Thanks. Carl.

Anytime.

-Hi. -Hi.

What are you so dressed up for?

-Just tried it on to see if it fits. -Oh. l get it.

lt's Wednesday.

Ella. you're not gonna meet the sleeping prince?

No.

That's good. Because if that inspector catches you....

-What do you mean. no? -l mean l'm not going.

l'm really not.

Good.

How come you're not going?

l can't.

-Why not? -l can't see him again.

Why not?

Because l'd have to tell him who l really am.

-So tell him. -lt's impossible.

What's impossible? You're making yourself miserable over nothing.

-Nothing. -Sure. nothing.

What did you do that was so impossible?

You lied a little.

-Lied a little. -All right. So you lied a lot.

He forced you into it.

-Susanswerphone. -Mom?

Yes. Mr. Moss?

L�sten. Mom. l �ust got back...

...but l wanted to call and thanh you for the fa�th you had �n me.

Got a lot of worh done.

-Don't know �f �t's good. but �t's there. -Oh. that's good. Mr. Moss.

Say, Mom, have there been any messages from a Mel�sande Scott?

No. Absolutely none.

l have a date w�th her for th�s even�ng--

Hello, Jeffrey.

-Olga. how d�d you get �n here? -Oh. darl�ng. l've been lonesome for you.

Oh, sweetheart. Oh, Jeffrey.

Well.... l'll call you back. Mom.

-What's the matter? -Nothing.

l tell you. it's absolutely out of the question.

l can't take you to the races today. It's impossible.

Oh. Jeffrey. don't be such a pill.

l've got work to do.

You can work some other time.

Besides. they're waiting for us downstairs.

Yeah. but l have a business appointment.

Look. you're not gonna get rid of me that easily.

-Mel. -Good afternoon. Mr. Moss.

Business appointment. huh?

l'm Mr. Moss' secretary.

Mr. Moss has a lot of work to do. l don't want you dragging him to the races!

Get somebody else to take you to the races. for heaven's sake.

Well. now. where were we? Act 1 2. scene nine?

Act 1 2. Oh. of course. Act 1 2. scene nine...

...and make that four carbons in triplicate in blue covers.

Yes. Right down the middle. l told you l had work to do.

Look. you didn't believe me. but l do have a lot of work to do...

...and l'll call you sometime.

Goodbye. Goodbye. Here you are. Goodbye.

How did you know about her and the races?

lt's written all over her face. She even looks a little like a horse.

l can't believe you're really here.

l can't believe it either.

-How are you. Mel? -l'm fine. thanks.

How are you?

Fine.

How's your work?

Oh. wonderful. Wait till you see this. l rewrote the whole first act...

...and l more or less have a rough draft for the rest of it.

l hope you don't sue me. but you know that dentist you were telling me about?

Well. l wrote him into the play.

That's wonderful.

-What's the matter? -Nothing.

-Mel. -Oh. don't.

What is this? What did you come here for?

-l thought you needed a secretary. -Secretary!

You're pretty well fixed for girls.

lf you're here as a secretary. get to the typewriter.

-What do you charge? -Nothing.

-Oh. come on. -A thousand dollars an hour.

That's reasonable enough. Now sit down. Sit down.

l promise l'll keep my grimy paws off of you.

Now. where were we? Act 1 2. scene nine?

Se�or Mendoza's hacienda in Iceland?

Rodriguez is kneeling by the bedside.

Mel.

l don't know what you think you walked in on.

lt wasn't anything at all.

You probably don't care whether it was or not...

...and you obviously think l'm still with girls. girls--

But l'm trying to tell you that l've changed.

l think l've finally found the one.

The first one who's--

-Mel-- -l have to go.

Mel. you can't.

You drop into my life like a miracle. you save me from drowning.

You just can't toss me back to the sharks.

Mel. l love you.

All right?

Do you think we should have left this on?

-Too much? -Yeah.

-Where is he? -Where's who?

-J. Otto Prantz. -He's at the Crying Gypsy Caf�.

Nick. Iet's go.

Hey. did you see those...?

Thank you. You like it?

Yeah.

-lt looks like something out of Tray�ata. -Ella.

-Look. -Oh. it's beautiful.

Here. Don't lose it.

lt's a copy of a very good copy.

Where's he taking you? To a fancy society party?

No. We're just going dancing. Just the two of us.

Oh. that dress will be so beautiful on the floor. won't it. Carl?

Yeah. Let's play with some music.

Hey. couldn't l have a little more slow. fox-trot type?

-Oh. it's a cha-cha-cha. -l know. l can't do it.

There's nothing to it. We'll teach you in two minutes.

-Come in the middle. -Watch my hands.

-One. two. cha-cha-cha. -One. two. cha-cha-cha.

-One. two. cha-cha-cha. -What about my feet?

Like this. One. two. cha-cha-cha.

-One. two. cha-cha-cha. -One. two. cha-cha-cha.

-One. two. cha-cha-cha. -A one and a two and a cha-cha-cha.

-A one and a two and a cha-cha-cha. -A one and a two and a cha-cha-cha.

Sneaks.

A one and a two and a cha-cha-cha.

l got it.

-l got it. two. cha-cha-cha. -Let's go.

-A one. two-- -Cha-cha-cha.

-A one. two-- -Cha-cha-cha.

-Across. -Cha-cha-cha.

-Across. -Cha-cha-cha.

Skip and a-skip to the barbershop.

-Let's hot cha. hot cha-cha. cha-cha. -Let's hot cha. hot cha-cha. cha-cha.

-Cha-cha-cha. -Cha-cha-cha.

-Cha-cha-cha. -Cha-cha-cha.

Follow me.

Here l come.

J Come a little closer then a little closer.

A one and a two and a cha-cha-cha. A one and a two and a cha-cha-cha.

l just learned this. l don't want to lose it.

-Hello. -Hello.

-Don't you want to hear the good news? -Yeah.

Larry loved all the stuff l threw at him.

-Good. good. good. -Yeah. yeah. yeah.

Come here. l want to show you something.

lt's a little old bridge that l whipped up for you on my Erector Set.

-Oh. you shouldn't have done it. -Oh. it was nothing.

You know. Larry thinks that we can set up a rehearsal date.

And you know our Hollywood star. Katherine Arnold?

-She's really digging in to stay. -Oh. wonderful.

And Larry's having a few people over for a party. and l said we'd drop in.

Oh. no.

lt's for Larry. l have to. He lives right over here. We'll just drop in and we'll leave.

-Over where? -Over here. Come on. l'll show you.

Come on. Attagirl.

Here you are. Come on. up. Right up here.

You can't get through here. This is a private park.

Only people that live here have keys. We've got to go around to the front.

Oh. no.

What's the matter?

l don't know any of those famous people.

So you'll meet them.

l don't wanna.

Well. l met all your friends out in the street.

Don't be such a snob.

ls this all right?

lt's magnificent.

-No. it's not. -Like something out of la Tray�ata.

Oh. you're beautiful.

Anyway. it's your fault we have to go to a party.

lf l hadn't found you crawling around on my floor. l wouldn't be invited anyplace.

l'd just be resting comfortably. facedown in the gutter. remember?

But l thought we were gonna go dancing. Just the two of us.

-All right. Iet's dance. -Where?

-Right here. -ln the park?

No guts? Oh. come on.

Stop it.

Don't you like dancing?

l love it.

Just �n t�me

l found you �ust �n t�me

Before you came My t�me

Was runn�ng low

l was lost

The los�ng d�ce were tossed

My br�dges all were crossed

Nowhere to go

Now you're here

And now l know Just where l'm go�ng

Mo more doubt or fear

l've found my way

For love came �ust �n t�me

You found me �ust �n t�me

And changed my lonely l�fe That lovely day

Hey. you kids must be professionals.

You been peeking. you little rascal.

Oh. shall we show them that little act we used to do in Chicago?

-Where? -At the stockyards.

-Are you ready? -Let's slaughter them.

My partner. Melisande Scott.

Nothing at all.

Watch the arm. It only bends one way.

-Tea for two and two for tea -Two for tea

-Two. Four. Where you going? -Over here. on the other foot.

Wait for me.

Let's not give them everything. okay?

-All right. -All right.

-Okay. -Okay.

Just �n t�me

You found me �ust �n t�me

Before you came my t�me

-Was runn�ng -Th�s act could play the Pallad�um

Or even the Yankee Stad�um

-l was lost -He was lost

-The los�ng d�ce were tossed -They were tossed

-My br�dges all were crossed -They were crossed

Nowhere to go

Oh, my darl�ng, Now you're here

And now l know Just where l'm go�ng

Mever a doubt or fear

Now l'm on my way

For love came �ust �n t�me

ln t�me

-You found me �ust �n t�me -Just �n t�me

-And changed my lonely l�fe -And changed my lonely l�fe

-That lovely day -That lovely day

Just �n t�me

Just �n t�me Just �n t�me

Oh. no. Please. l can't. Can't we wait a while?

No. We'll just go in for five minutes. Just so l show my face.

But l feel sick.

Look. we'll have a nice fried glass of muskrat juice.

We'll dash our glasses into the fireplace.

-No one will know we've been there. -l don't belong in there.

You're worth more to me than all these people and the city put together. All right?

Look. it's just a little party. l want you to meet a few people. that's all.

-Good evening. Mr. Moss. -Good evening. Dennis.

lt's quiet in here. l think that--

Where is everybody? This place was jumping a few minutes ago.

-l'll tell Mr. Hastings you're here. -Thank you.

l've gotta tell you something.

l've gotta tell you something.

Oh. it's so hard.

l'm not an old lady.

That's funny. l thought you were Whistler's mother.

-No. You don't know-- -Hi. Jeff.

Oh. hi. Larry. Come here.

Meet the Melisande Scott. Larry Hastings.

-So you're his little miracle worker. eh? -How do you do?

After the change in him. l figured you must be some sort of a magician.

-This is a beautiful house. -Thank you.

This is the first time we've met. but there's something familiar about you.

ln the tone of your voice. maybe.

No. of course not. l guess it's just that Jeff's talked about you so much.

You've gotta tell h�m. You've gotta tell h�m.

-Where are the people. Larry? -What people?

-Yeah. people. -People!

Surprise!

Surprise!

Quiet. quiet. quiet. everybody. Jeff. this party's for you.

Ladies and gentlemen. l give you Sir Jeffrey Moss.

Soldier. statesman and the author of The M�das Touch.

They said it couldn't be done. but he did it.

-Hip. hip. hurray! -l'm sorry. We have to stay here a while.

-We're stuck. -l know. It's all right.

-Larry. this is beautiful. l'm just-- -Jeffrey. darling!

l'm so happy for you.

-Oh. l wish you all the luck in the world. -Mel. Mrs. Brubacher.

-Melisande Scott. -Jeff. darling. l knew you could do it.

-Melisande Scott. Mrs. Hoffenstein. -Jeff. darling...

...darling. darling! It just couldn't be more wonderful.

May l present Mrs. Fortescu. Melisande Scott.

He's such a precious lamb.

He finished the play like a big boy.

And he did it all by himself.

Mrs. Hamhocker. Melisande Scott.

-Congratulations. -Congratulations. Jeff.

Guess who.

How could l ever forget that perfume?

President Millard Fillmore.

-Darling. -Katie.

Oh. Melisande Scott meet our star. Katherine A'rnold.

-How do you do? -How do you do?

Jeff. l came in on the plane with Cary.

-Everyone sends love. -Cary Grant.

-Tony and Janet and Frankie-- -Tony Curtis. Janet Leigh.

-And David and Jennifer-- -David Selznick and Jennifer Jones.

Larry. darling. what a turnout. It's amazing.

Why. everybody in town's here tonight.

l suppose Mary and Ethel will be stopping by after the show.

-Mary and Ethel who? -Why. Mary Martin and Ethel Merman.

l just left Hedy and Charlie and Dotty. They'll be here later.

Yes. yes.

Oh. that's Hedy Lamarr. Charlie Le Maire. Dotty Lamour.

-Thank you. -Larry.

Moss has a beautiful idea for director.

-Excuse us. darling. Come and talk to him. -l'm sorry. l'll be right back.

l haven't seen anything so shattering since the Armory Show of 1 91 3.

His name is Kayopa Dochaney. and every canvas is at least 20 by 20.

l say if you don't have wall space for it...

...just move and get yourself a place with the wall space.

You'll never regret it. my dear.

They're the most absolute riot of color. my dear.

And they're all tans and plums and olives. And they're all pictures of eyes.

Open eyes. closed eyes. blinking eyes. crossed eyes. eyes crying...

...just eyes. eyes. eyes! Marvelous.

He's the first absolute genius l've seen since...

...l was a year ago last summer in the South of France.

l don't know your specifications. That's the only--

Wait a minute. this is a London call. We gotta straighten this out.

He's a hack. Iet's face it.

Without Jeff. those plays wouldn't have gotten off the ground.

-Jeff has the brilliance. the flair. the wit-- -A wonderful ear.

-That's the difference. -Wonderful ear. You have it or you don't.

You've got to be born with it.

-What a beautiful talent. -And what a great human being.

l agree with you.

Take it downstairs.

-lt's simply fantastic. -Hang up when we get downstairs.

Look. we've got to get this straightened out.

Time me. and l'll be back in 30 seconds flat.

What is that?

What is what?

l don't think it's a play for a British director.

Well. it was the big night of my life. Mary and Ethel reminisced for hours.

Mary Martin and Ethel Merman.

No. Mary Astor and Ethel Waters.

Having fun?

l remember it as if it were yesterday. Everyone in the room...

...had been a star for at least 50 years.

-Mary and Ethel never looked more radiant. -Mary Astor and Ethel Waters.

-No. Mary Pickford and Ethel Barrymore. -lt's a little confusing. isn't it?

Don't you let it throw you. Just do what everybody else does.

-Drop a name. Right. Katie? -Right.

-Franh -S�natra

-Albert -Schwe�tzer

-lngr�d -Bergman

-Noel -Coward

-Gene -Kelly

-Oscar -Levant

Br�g�tte Bardot and Jean Cocteau Mar�lyn Monroe. V�ncente M�nnell�

Fred Asta�re and Ren� Cla�r Jos� ferrer, the former Grace Kelly

Lynn Fontanne and Danny Mann And Deborah Kerr

lrv�ng Berl�n

And R�n T�n T�n

Danny Kaye and Dor�s Day And Pasternak

Hem�ngway and Pr�nce Ra�n�er Moran and Mack

lrw�n Shaw and Evelyn Waugh And Cary Grant

Rory Calhoun

And R�n T�n Toon

Bern�e Baruch and K�ng Farouh Al�sta�r Cooke. L�22�e and Edd�e

Luc�lle Ball and Lauren Bacall V�v�en Le�gh. Ros Russell and Fredd�e

Arthur Freed and Sammy Snead And Irv�ng La2ar

Anna May Wong

And Rong Tong Tong

Flew down to Cannes to get a tan Then s�mply ran to dear Portof�no

Sa�nt Trope2 �ust turned me gray Because n�ght and day l l�ved on �ust v�no

Stayed w�th Fr�t2 at B�arr�t2 The playground of k�ngs

Glamorous s�ghts

L�ke Brooklyn He�ghts

My Chr�st�an D�or l wore then tore Got f�tted for a new Balenc�aga

l l�ke Chanel. she wears so well As t�me w�ll tell. her clothes are a saga

Valent�na's where l've been l love all her th�ngs

Th�ngs w�th good l�nes

L�ke th�ngs from Kle�n's

l do all my shopping there with Mary and Ethel.

Mary and Ethel who?

Mary Schwartz and Ethel Hotchkiss.

-Keenan Wynn -R�n T�n T�n

-Soph�a Loren -Ren Ten Ten

-Aly Khan -Rahn Tahn Tahn

-Raymond Massey -Lass�e

That's the way you play the game

0rop that name

-Mel! -Mel Ferrer!

Come on up.

lt's not a play for a British director!

Larry. at least talk to him!

Well. well. well.

lf it isn't Jeffrey's little secretary.

What a mean boss. Makes you work all night. huh?

Oh. go st�ck your head �n a bag of oats.

What's the matter? Cat got your tongue? Playing dumb. huh?

Well. if that's what you're doing with Jeff. keep it up. It's working.

Boy. you're a real kooky dame. aren't you?

But Melisande Scott.

Where did you find that name. in a Chinese fortune cookie?

l don't get it.

We've got the show ready to go into production.

Miss Scott?

Have you got a pen?

He's �n love w�th Mel�sande Scott

A g�rl who doesn't ex�st

He's �n love w�th someone you're not

And so remember

lt was never you he k�ssed

The party's over

lt's t�me to call �t a day

No matter how you pretend

You hnew �t would end th�s way

lt's t�me to w�nd up

The masquerade

Just make your m�nd up

The p�per must be pa�d

The party's over

The candles fl�cher and d�m

You've danced and dreamed Through the n�ght

lt seemed to be r�ght Just be�ng w�th h�m

Mow you must wahe up

All dreams must end

Take off your makeup

The party's over

lt's all over

My fr�end

You danced and dreamed Through the n�ght

lt seemed to be r�ght Just be�ng w�th h�m

Mow you must wahe up

All dreams must end

Take off your makeup

The party's over

We got stuck with the wrong shipment.

Maestro Corvello says you'll have to cover the cost to the tune of 5000 albums.

-But l did not switch them. -Otto. who are these gentlemen?

Two musicians from the Chicago Concert Orchestra.

Gentleman. l am innocent. and l refuse to pay.

Well. in that case. Otto. we may take you across the river for a recording session.

-A recording session? -Maestro Corvello is waiting to record...

...S�egfr�ed's Rh�ne Journey an8 Funeral March.

You got two hours. We'll meet you at the warehouse. Let's go. Nick.

Oh. bye-bye! Otto. you mustn't let little business worries upset you.

You know. you need someone to look after you. Well. a woman.

-Someone you can confide in. -Sue. l will confide in you.

Up till now. l want only to bring Kultur to the masses...

...but now l want us to grow rich together. But to do this. we must invest capital.

How much money have you got? You must trust me. l'm talking to you...

-...like someone who may love you. -l have t6500!

-Where is it? -lt's in a little blue sock.

l keep it. if you'll pardon the expression. upon my person.

Sue. l love you.

Nowhere to go

lt's no use. Jeff. We've covered every bar in town. Come on back to the party.

l don't know anything about her. Where she lives. how to get in touch with her.

-Just a note saying goodbye. -Come on. Jeff.

Don't worry. Larry. Don't worry about the play. l'll keep working.

l know that. l....

Okay.

-l would like to order a martini. -Okay.

Dry. Very dry.

-Good evening. Mr. Moss. -Good evening.

You don't know me. do you. Mr. Moss? l'm Blake Barton.

Must be the suit. l got to tell you...

...l love the part Mr. Hastings set me for in your play today.

The dentist who wants to be a composer.

Where do you writers get an idea like that from. anyway? l mean. an idea like that....

-Where do you get them from? -Oh. Iet me alone. will you?

-Excuse me. Mr. Moss. -l'm sorry. Barton. l feel rotten.

-Let's put it this way. l wish l were dead. -Gee. Mr. Moss. l know what you mean.

A couple of weeks ago. man. l was the lowest.

l hadn't worked for months. and then. a miracle!

Oh. please. no miracles. You're a nice guy. Barton. Drink up.

-Thanks. l got one coming. -And now. it's showtime.

And for our opening production number. The Pyramid Pips present a brand-new song:

''The Midas Touch'' !

Gold and all �ts glory And here's the story of the M�das touch

Did they say ''The Midas Touch''?

The beggar rests h�s weary head

And dreams of just one crust of bread

But...

...when the beggar's dreams grow bold

He dreams as others do

Of gold

The M�das touch The m�ghty M�das touch

The M�das touch The m�ghty M�das touch

The M�das touch The m�ghty. m�ghty M�das touch

The M�das touch The M�das touch

The M�das touch

The M�das touch The m�ghty. m�ghty M�das touch

_Gold! -ln the morn�ng

_Gold! -ln the even�ng

_Gold! -ln the summer

-Goldt -ln the w�nter

Dr. M�das sa�d to me Be sure and tahe your v�tam�n G-O-L-D

And that's what he sa�d to me

-Oh. like the number? -Especially the fourth one from the right.

No. no. the song. l wrote it. Isn't it wonderful?

Excuse me. Did you say you wrote that?

''The Midas Touch''? Sure. Great title. isn't it?

l always thought so.

-Would you join us? -Oh. l'd be glad to.

-l'm Jeffrey Moss. This is Blake Barton. -How do you do? My name is Joe Kitchell.

Sit down.

Jackpot. Francie. The three of them are together. We'll close in tonight.

-Are you sure? -Positive.

l don't know whether they're pushing dope. or if it's a spy ring...

...but it's something big. and she's Miss Big.

Go alert the squad.

-Mr. Kitchell-- -lt's Dr. Kitchell.

Actually. l'm a dentist.

-Dentist? -A dentist?

-Sure. -That's funny. l'm a dentist.

-You're a dentist? -Well. l play a dentist in a play.

That's funny. Well. l'm not a dentist anymore. l'm a composer now.

My father didn't want me to be a composer.

My father doesn't want me to be a composer.

-He doesn't? -My father in the play.

-That's funny. -lt's real funny and sad.

lt's a very interesting part. See. l make up these tunes on the air hose...

-...and my father doesn't want me to-- -You...?

l wrote ''The Midas Touch'' on the air hose.

That's what's holding up the play. l've been using paper.

-What play? -The play we're talking about. He wrote it.

-You wrote the play? -The M�das Touch.

-That's the name of my song. -Yeah. l know. l know.

That's funny.

-l remember. l got the title from that girl. -What girl?

The girl that was thinking of the Midas touch that day.

-What day? -That was the day that changed my life.

l was feeling lower than low. hopeless. and suddenly...

-...a miracle happened. -Miracle?

-He's got a miracle too. -She was in the office a couple minutes...

...tipped me off about this job. and l got it. She was blond. pretty...

-...5'6''. big brown eyes-- -Wait a minute. Wait a second here!

That's how l got the chance to do the part in your play.

This girl comes up to me and tells me about myself. the clothes and the whole bit.

She changes my life. l get the part. What l'm leading up to is:

-She was blond. 5'6''-- -Melisande!

-Who? -Melisande Scott.

-l gotta find her. -He's flipping.

-Let's go. -Wait a second.

That girl is the same girl that dropped into my life.

-The same girl? -Where did you see her last? Where?

She was in the office a minute and disappeared. l never saw her again.

-Same with me. -l've got to get to the bottom of this.

l've gotta find her. l'm in love with her. Where can l call you later?

-l don't know where l'll be. -l don't know where l am.

-l'll give you my phone number here. -l'll give you my phone number too.

-Thanks. -Where are you going?

-Brooklyn Heights. -Well. good luck.

Brooklyn Heights. Seems like a logical look.

-All right. you three. come on along. -Wait a minute.

-There's only two of them. -Cover the exit. Cover the men's room.

-What's going on here? -We're taking you down to the station.

-Would this have to do with the blond girl? -You said it.

-That's funny. -Come on.

-Come on. -Wait!

That's funny that you love me, darl�ng

Come on.

Melisande!

Melisande!

-Dr. K�tchell's Dental Cl�n�c. -Where is the doctor?

Dr. K�tchell left no message.

Thanks. Oh. wait!

-ls this Susanswerphone? -That's correct. Who's call�ng?

Never mind.

Susanswerphone.

Blake Barton's res�dence.

-Susanswerphone? -Yes. Who's call�ng?

That's funny. Dr. Kitchell. Barton and me.

All Susanswerphone.

That was the other one l was talking to.

Mom.

Melisande.

Mom!

But. Ella. l'm not angry with you.

l just wish you'd confided in me sooner.

-Well. you mustn't leave. -l have to. Sue.

-l just can't stay here anymore. -But. Ell--

Ella. l need you here.

The subscribers won't even know l've gone.

That's not true. Why. only today...

...Mrs. Mallet called twice about her little boy. Junior.

He wanted to talk to Santa Claus. They all ask for you.

They call me ''the other one.''

Please stay. Ella.

l can't. Sue.

l've spent my whole life tuning in on other people's lives...

...playing all sorts of imaginary characters.

They became even more real to me than l was.

Jeff fell in love with one of them...

...not with me.

Who is me? l don't know myself who l am.

l hnow you Your name �s Sue

But who am l?

l've got to f�nd out

At least l'm gonna try

l'm go�ng bach

Where l can be me

At the Bon�our Tr�stesse Brass�ere Company

They've got a great b�g sw�tchboard there

Where �t's �ust "Hello. goodbye"

lt may be dull But there l can be

Just me, myself, and l

A l�ttle model�ng on the s�de

Yes, that's where l'll be

At the Bon�our Tr�stesse Brass�ere Company

And �f anybody asks For Ella. Mella. or Mom

Tell them that l'm go�ng bach Where l came from

To the B.T. Brass�ere Company

Goodbye, everybody

Goodbye, Madame Gr�mald�

Goodbye, Jun�or Mallet

Santa Claus �s a-h�tt�ng the road

L�sten to your momma, momma, momma

Eat your sp�nach. baby

Eat your sp�nach. baby. by the load

Ad�eu to you

So goodbye, Max, To your dogs and your cats

To the Duhe of W�ndsor and h�s duchess

Bye-bye. Barton and K�tchell and Hast�ngs

At last, you're out of my clutches

l'll m�ss you. but you'll carry on

You'll never know that l've gone

l'm go�ng bach

Where l can be me

At the Bon�our Tr�stesse Brass�ere Company

And wh�le l'm s�tt�ng there l hope that l f�nd out

Just what Ella Peterson �s all about

ln that Shangr�-la

Of lacy l�nger�e

A l�ttle model�ng on the s�de

At the Bon�our Tr�stesse Brass�ere Company

Send me my ma�I there!

To the Bonjour Tr�stesse Company

-Give me a chance to explain it. -l've got to get out.

-Just a minute. please. -Come on. get in!

Get in here. you fink. you.

-All right. now hand over that money! -l will. l will.

-But give me a chance to check the books. -Ella. Iet me help you.

Why. Otto. what's the matter?

This is impossible. Who could have done this?

Who switched these orders from Beethoven's 10th to Beethoven's 9th?

l did. Beethoven only wrote nine symphonies.

You idiot! You put all the money on the wrong horse.

l was almost bumped off for this by the mob.

Shut up.

To think my simple. little bookie system can be loused up by this dumb broad.

-Horses? -Bookies!

Otto. is that what l gave you all that money for?

-Sue. you didn't. -That's swell. Ioudmouth.

-Now these dames know all about it. -They can't talk.

One peep out of them. and the cops will put them in jail and close up Susanswerphone.

-Let's go! The money! -My life savings!

-Ella. please do something! -Shut up!

-They don't get it. -Get what?

Shut up!

-Okay. Otto. your number's up. -Ridiculous.

Oh. no. Remember Mr. Barnes of Vogue magazine?

-Vogue_ -He's not Mr. Barnes. He's Inspector Barnes.

And the cops know about this whole layout. It's a trap!

You're coming with us to Corvello's.

No. no. no. It won't be necessary to rub us out. boys. because....

Because you've all been spilling your guts into a tape recorder.

Where is it?

Where is it?

You think you're playing with kids? ''Where is it?''

Where is it?

lt's rigged up to the police station. that's where.

And you better get going. because as a matter of fact...

...lnspector Barnes should be here any minute.

lnspector Barnes. Am l glad to see you.

-Get your toothbrush and come on along. -My toothbrush?

-That's right. -No. we can just drop that act right now.. .

...because l've got the whole bookie mob right here.

-All you have to do is take them away. -lnspector Barnes. l surrender happily.

These are two of Corvello's henchmen. l want to congratulate you.. .

...for having such a brilliant ally working with you to uncover the Corvello gang.

Me? l'm nothing. Small potatoes. Corvello. he's the head of everything.

We only work for him.

-What? -lnspector. don't you get the picture?

Titanic Records is a bookie operation.

-Take them away. -Take them away!

-Farewell. my l�ebchen. -Oh. Otto. how you deceived me.

But how you deceived me. you little Mata Hari.

lnspector Barnes. you'll get a promotion for this.

l didn't do anything.

l told you she was a nice girl.

Well. is it a crime to have made a human mistake? l misjudged you.

l wonder if you'd mind coming down to the station with me. l may need your help.

l'll be glad to.

Now. Ella. promise me you won't leave.

l'll watch the board till you get back.

Oh. l forgot to turn it back on again.

-Susanswerphone. -l wanna talk to M�ss Mel�sande Scott.

-l sa�d l wanna talk to M�ss Scott. -Who? Speak slower.

-l know she works there. -There's nobody here by that name.

-l'm com�ng over. -Well. it won't do you any good.

There's nobody here by that name. Crackpot!

-Sue. what was that? -Somebody looking for somebody.

-l said there was nobody here by that name. -By what name?

Melanie or Melisande. He said he was coming down here.

-No. Sue. l can't stay! -Watch the board.

No!

Max's Dog and Cat Beauty Shop. Nobody home.

Are you sure this is the right address?

-That's it. -Doesn't look like an office building to me.

That's it. buddy.

What kind of a place is this? It looks like something out of Ol�yer Tw�st.

-What? -Keep away. young man.

We girls are not allowed to be familiar with the customers.

Mom.

Mom. Don't you know me?

Don't you know your little telephonic sonny boy?

Oh. yes. Mr. Moss. Get out!

All right. Get the picture? It's me.

-Melisande. -No. no Melisande. It's Ella Peterson.

-There's no Melisande. l made it up. -All right. Ella. Mella. Mom.

-Whatever your name is. l love you. -You can't. l tricked you.

Pretty shabby trick...

...saving a man's life.

But all that stuff. l was just telling you what you told Mom. l'm nothing.

Now. don't you call Mom ''nothing.''

l loved talking to Mom.

She was warm. sympathetic. wise. understanding.

l thought she was a little old lady.

lsn't it a nice surprise to find out that she's a beautiful blond...

...who knows how to cha-cha?

But you have to let me explain what l did to you.

Never mind. l got you pretty well figured out.

l had a long trip all the way from Brooklyn Heights to work on it.

Dr. Kitchell. Barton.

Ella. you do things like that...

...just the same way you say hello to people on the street.

Ella. you're a girl with a lot of love to give.

Don't scatter it all over the place. Give it to me.

l need it.

l want it.

Ella!

This is Plaza O-4433.

-How do you do? -You must be the other one.

Here's some others who want to see you. Butterfield 8-9970!

-Dr. Kitchell! -How can l ever thank you?

Oh. don't thank me.

Don't thank me But let me thank--

-Murray Hill 3-9970! -Blake Barton!

-You gave my life that crazy switcheroo. -Cuckoo.

-Cuckoo. -Plaza 8-9653.

Oh. Mr. Hastings. how are you?

Reese 6-4598.

And so. Iad�es and gentlemen. you too...

...l�he th�s sat�sf�ed customer...

...can solve all your problems...

...by subscr�b�ng to an answer�ng serv�ce.

[ENGLISH]