Original subtitles

Boy, voice-over: MY MOTHER NAMED ME AFTER MY FATHER.

ANGUS--A COW'S NAME,

WHICH DIDN'T HELP MATTERS MUCH BECAUSE I WAS A BIG KID.

MY MOTHER WAS IN LABOR WITH ME FOR TWO DAYS,

BUT IT WAS MY FATHER WHO DIED DURING CHILDBIRTH.

HE HAD A HEART ATTACK WAITING FOR HER TO DELIVER.

BUT THIS WASN'T REALLY MY PROBLEM.

IN FACT, I PERCEIVED MY FAMILY SITUATION AS RELATIVELY NORMAL,

UNTIL I BEGAN COLLECTING EXPERT FEEDBACK AROUND KINDERGARTEN.

ANGUS BETHUNE IS A FAT KID.

Boy: HE'S SO HUNGRY, HE EATS HIS BOOGERS!

[Kids laughing]

Angus, voice-over: THIS WAS MY PROBLEM:

RICK SANFORD.

HEY, ANGUS, WANNA PLAY "PIN THE TAIL ON THE DONKEY"?

YOU CAN BE THE DONKEY.

WHOA!

WHOA! YOU BROKE HIS NOSE, ANGUS!

YOU WANNA SEE IT? FIVE CENTS.

Angus, voice-over: I MET MY BEST FRIEND, TROY WEDBERG,

THE DAY HE CHARGED FIVE CENTS TO SEE--

MY COUSIN'S PUBIC HAIR!

WHOA! WHOA!

[STALL DOOR OPENS] UH-OH.

AHEM. NO WAY.

YOU ARE SUCH A LIAR.

GIVE HIM HIS PUBIC HAIR BACK, RICK.

ANGUS. ISN'T ANGUS A COW?

[KIDS GIGGLING]

OW!

MOO.

Boy: YOU BROKE HIS NOSE, ANGUS!

Angus, voice-over: I WAS INCREDIBLY QUICK FOR A FAT KID

AND GRADES CAME PRETTY EASY TO ME. THANKS!

BUT I WAS SURE WILLING TO SWAP IT ALL FOR A LITTLE PHYSICAL BEAUTY.

[OVER P.A.] * IF I DIDN'T LOVE YOU, I'D HATE YOU... *

Girl: TAKE IT BACK! I DON'T HAVE HAIRY LEGS!

COME ON! LET GO!

I FELL IN LOVE WITH MELISSA LEFEVRE...

THE DAY SHE THREW ALEX IMMERGLUCH ACROSS TARLO'S ROLLER RINK.

WHOA! [CRASH]

MELISSA LEFEVRE WAS THAT GIRL

THAT JUST MADE YOU ACHE...

BECAUSE YOU KNOW SHE WAS PUT ON THIS EARTH OUT OF YOUR REACH

ONLY TO MAKE YOU FEEL BAD.

ANGUS. ANGUS!

ANGUS!

Angus, voice-over: RICK SANFORD GOT MORE POPULAR.

WANNA PLAY SOME FOOTBALL?

YEAH, SURE.

GOOD. YOU CAN BE THE FIELD.

[LAUGHTER]

HA HA.

AND MUCH BETTER LOOKING EVERY TIME I BROKE HIS NOSE.

YOU BROKE HIS NOSE, ANGUS.

Rick: OW!

WHAT'S MELISSA DOING?

Melissa: RICK, ARE YOU OK?

Angus, voice-over: WORSE, HE GOT MELISSA LEFEVRE.

SHE'S MAKING SURE RICK'S OK.

[DRUMS BEATING]

WHAT'S MELISSA DOING?

SHE'S TRYING TO SEE IF RICK'S OK.

ARE YOU OK?

YEAH. I'M FINE.

[INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMENTS]

I HATE THAT GUY.

A LITTLE BIT...

Angus, voice-over: GOLDEN RICK SANFORD.

HE HAD EVERYTHING-- LOOKS, SMARTS, AND MELISSA.

I HAD TROY, AND HE HAD--

[WHISPERING] JOCK ITCH.

LET'S GO! [WHISTLE BLOWING]

[CROWD CHEERING]

* THERE'S TOO MUCH

* THAT I KEEP

* TO MYSELF

* AND I TURN MY BACK ON MY FAITH *

* IT'S LIKE GLASS

* WHEN WE BREAK, I WISH NO ONE IN MY PLACE *

* AND I'VE SEEN

* YOU DON'T NEED THEIR SEEDS

* WHEN THEIR CUT GOES IN DEEP

* AND I'M LOST IN SLEEP

* I CAN'T STAY IN THIS PLACE *

* I CAN'T STAND WHEN THE ROOM TURNS 'ROUND ON MY FATE *

* YOU GIVE NO

* GUARANTEES

* THERE'S NO PROMISE I CAN KEEP *

* I CAN'T STARE

* I CAN'T SEE MY WAY

* I FEEL BLIND ON MY FEET

* I CAN'T STAY TOO LONG

* AM I WRONG?

* GOOD-BYE, LAY THE BLAME ON LUCK *

* GOOD-BYE LAY THE BLAME ON LUCK *

* GOOD-BYE LAY THE BLAME ON LUCK *

* GOOD-BYE LAY THE BLAME ON LUCK *

[CROWD CHEERING]

* GOOD-BYE, LAY THE BLAME ON LUCK *

* GOOD-BYE, LAY THE BLAME ON LUCK *

* GOOD-BYE, LAY THE BLAME ON LUCK *

* GOOD-BYE LAY THE BLAME ON LUCK... *

BE CAREFUL.

[P.A. ANNOUNCEMENTS]

Angus, voice-over: GROWING UP,

YOU WAIT FOR THAT ONE MOMENT THAT'S TRULY YOURS...

FOR SOMETHING TO HAPPEN THAT MAKES YOU BELIEVE, MAYBE ONCE IN A WHILE,

THE GOOD GUYS CAN WIN.

I WAS STILL WAITING.

Cheerleaders: GO! FIGHT...

COME ON, HUSKIES. LET'S...

Rick: RUN THE PLAY AGAIN.

MIKE, YOU GOT TO MAKE SURE YOU WAIT TILL THE LANE CLEARS OUT...

BEFORE YOU CUT, ALL RIGHT? OR ELSE I GOT NOTHING TO THROW TO.

ALL RIGHT. YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS.

SPLIT BACK RIGHT. FLAG POST, FLAG ON ONE. READY?

BREAK! BREAK!

WATCH MY ASS.

I'M WATCHING IT RIGHT NOW.

I BET YOU ARE.

[HORN BLOWS]

Angus, voice-over: IT WAS NEARLY IMPOSSIBLE

FOR A DEFENSIVE LINEMAN TO SHAKE ME.

I WAS A WALL.

Rick: RED, 34. RED, 34.

SET! HUT!

Boy: PASS! HE'S GOING LONG!

I GOT IT! AH!

OHH!

DAMN! I'LL TAKE HIM!

Angus, voice-over: IN ADDITION, I WAS EQUIPPED

WITH TRACKING RADAR.

I NEEDED ONLY TO LOCK IN ON A CORNERBACK'S HIPS

TO ZERO IN ON THE TACKLE.

I, ANGUS BETHUNE, HAD CAUSED A FUMBLE.

THE BALL--MY BALL-- SOARED THROUGH THE AIR, FREE LIKE AN EAGLE,

AND THEN...IT LANDED IN RICK SANFORD'S HANDS.

GO! GO, RICK! GO!

GO, GO, GO, RICK! GO!

[CROWD CHANTING, "GO, RICK! GO!"]

[MOANS]

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

[OVER P.A.] TOUCHDOWN, HUSKIES!

YEAH!

Angus, voice-over: I HAD CAUSED THE FUMBLE

THAT WON US THE GAME.

I WAS SURE, ANY MINUTE NOW, THEY WOULD COME RUNNING TOWARD ME, CHEERING,

"ANGUS! ANGUS!"

Students: RICK! RICK! RICK!

RICK! RICK! RICK! RICK!

GREAT JOB, RICK!

RICK! RICK! RICK!

OHH.

YEAH!

ALL RIGHT!

NICE!

Coach: YOU GUYS, I TOLD YOU YOU COULD DO IT.

Angus, voice-over: SO THERE HE WAS, WITH MY VICTORY.

AND JUST ONCE I WANTED TO KNOW WHAT IT WOULD FEEL LIKE TO BE LIKE HIM--

ON TOP OF THE WORLD, JUST FOR ONE MOMENT.

* WOULD YOU TALK TO ME

* HONESTLY?

* 'CAUSE I NEVER HEARD A WORD YOU SAID, NOW *

* AND I AIN'T JUST BEIN' MEAN

* 'CAUSE ALL WE ARE IS WHAT WE'RE TOLD *

* AND MOST OF THAT'S BEEN LIES *

* IT'S LIKE A MADE-FOR-TV MOVIE *

* AND I JUST BLEW MY LINE... *

I'M TRYING TO PROVE THAT IF YOU PUT A SMALL, ABNORMAL ELEMENT...

IN A LARGE, HOMOGENEOUS SYSTEM,

THE SYSTEM WILL REJECT THE DEVIATION...

RATHER THAN MUTATE,

USUALLY CAUSING A POWERFUL EXOTHERMIC REACTION.

OOH! [BELL RINGING]

Teacher: EXCELLENT, ANGUS.

Boy: FINALLY.

THANK YOU.

SEE YOU AFTER PRACTICE.

Rick: YEAH, SEE YOU LATER.

WOW. GOOD POOF, ANGUS.

HA HA!

Short boy: GREAT WORK, EINSTEIN.

Teacher: RICK, GREAT TOUCHDOWN YESTERDAY.

THANKS.

DID YOU SEE MY BLOCK? YES.

YOU SCORED.

ANGUS, THE PRINCIPAL WANTS TO SEE YOU.

[SNIFFING]

[YAWNS]

WELL...

YOUR APPLICATION TO JEFFERSON...

HAS BEEN ACCEPTED, ANGUS.

JEFFERSON IS THE BEST MAGNET SCHOOL IN THE DISTRICT.

YOU'LL HAVE TO DO A SCIENCE PROJECT.

IT'S ALL IN THE LETTER.

IT'S A WONDERFUL OPPORTUNITY, ANGUS.

OF COURSE, IF YOU DON'T GO,

I WON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT LOSING OUR BEST J.V. TACKLE.

ANGUS?

THANK YOU, SIR.

[GROANING]

Angus, voice-over: MY MOM THINKS I'M PERFECT.

BUT THAT'S COMING FROM SOMEONE WHO DRIVES A TRUCK...

AND WHOSE CB HANDLE IS "BRUISER."

DON'T OVERREACT, BUT I GOT MY INTERVIEW FOR JEFFERSON.

YOU'RE IN!

JUST AN INTERVIEW.

YOU DIDN'T TELL ME!

I'M TELLING YOU. OH, YOU'RE IN!

YOU'RE OVERREACTING.

I'M GONNA TELL MY FATHER!

I CAN'T BREATHE!

I DON'T OVERREACT. MOM.

HEY, I GET IT, OK? IT'S JUST AN INTERVIEW.

YOU MIGHT NOT GET IN. IT'S NO BIG DEAL.

YOU GET IN, YOU DON'T GET IN. YOU THINK I CARE?

[BELL DINGS]

GO CALL YOUR GRANDFATHER. TIME FOR DINNER.

[BREATHING DEEPLY]

Angus, voice-over: MY GRANDFATHER--

HE WAS AS SMART AS THEY COME...

WHEN HE WAS AWAKE.

[NEEDLE DROPS ON RECORD]

[TRUMPET PLAYING "REVEILLE"]

I'M AWAKE, DAMN IT! AHEM!

[CHUCKLES]

POTATOES.

EASY ON THE SALT, DAD.

MM-HMM.

YOU KNOW, ANGUS GOT HIS INTERVIEW FOR JEFFERSON.

YOU KNOW, AUNT RUTHIE R.S.V.P.'d.

Mom: OH, THAT REMINDS ME.

I TALKED TO THE CATERERS, AND I THINK THE BEST WAY TO GO...

IS TO HAVE TWO BUFFET TABLES-- ONE HOT AND ONE COLD.

YOU KNOW, BARRY'S COMING TOO.

UNCLE BARRY R.S.V.P.'d?

YOU DIDN'T TELL ME HE R.S.V.P.'d!

IS HE BRINGING WEDNESDAY AND PUGSLEY?

HE'S BRINGING THE WHOLE CLAN.

I GUESS THEY CAN STAY IN ANGUS' ROOM.

SHARE MY ROOM? GET REAL!

NO. YOU'LL STAY IN YOUR GRANDPA'S ROOM.

I'M NOT SLEEPING WITH HIM.

HE SNORES, BIG NOSE HAIR SNORES!

HE GRINDS HIS TEETH IN HIS SLEEP.

Angus: AT LEAST THESE ARE REALLY MY TEETH.

THESE ARE MY TEETH.

I GUESS. YOU PAID FOR 'EM.

Mom: YOU KNOW, DAD, APRIL'S INSISTING ON PICKING THE BAND.

WELL, IT'S HER WEDDING, TOO.

IT'S A POLKA BAND.

Angus: MOM, DON'T START.

LOOK, THIS IS HARD ENOUGH TO GET TOGETHER

AT THE LAST MINUTE.

WHY DO THEY HAVE TO GET MARRIED ANYWAY?

SHE'S 30 YEARS YOUNGER THAN HIM.

WHY DON'T THEY JUST LIVE TOGETHER?

WHY IS SHE TALKING TO ME

LIKE I'M NOT IN THE ROOM?

WHY IS SHE TALKING TO ME LIKE I'M AN ADULT?

WHO GETS MARRIED AT 72?

I AM 71.

Mom: IT'S NOT NORMAL. SHE'S NOT NORMAL.

THE WHOLE IDEA'S RIDICULOUS,

BUT I'M JUST SUPPOSED TO GO ALONG WITH EVERYTHING.

MOM.

WHAT?

HE'S ASLEEP.

DAD.

IS SHE GONE?

YEAH, SHE'S GONE.

GRANDPA?

HMM? YOU'RE 73.

[MUSIC PLAYING ON SOUNDTRACK]

* WE WERE WALKING IN, WALKING IN TWO WORLDS *

* IN THE GARDENS OF SUNLIGHT, HOME... *

[SNORTS]

[INHALING]

I'M SWALLOWING SNOT!

YOU KNOW, IT DOESN'T TASTE THAT GROSS.

WHY DO I SWEAT SO MUCH?

WHAT?!

WHY DO I SWEAT SO MUCH?

SHH! I WANNA HEAR WHAT THEY'RE PLAYING.

EVERY TIME THEY PLAY GREEN DAY,

THE FIRST CALLER GETS FREE TICKETS TO THEIR CONCERT!

[GIRL LAUGHS]

Boy: HEY, ANY ROOM OVER HERE? MAYBE ON YOUR LAP?

HI! I'M GREAT. COME ON.

WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN TALKING ABOUT?

UH... GEOMETRY.

[CONVERSATION CONTINUES, INDISTINCT]

YOU KNOW, IF YOU GO TO JEFFERSON--NERD HIGH--

YOU MIGHT AS WELL BECOME A MONK.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

YOU BECOME A SCIENCE GEEK.

NO WAY YOU'RE GONNA GET BABES.

GIRLS DON'T WANT BRAINS.

THEY WANT GUYS WHO ARE DANGEROUS,

HAVE TATTOOS, PLAY THE GUITAR.

STICK WITH ME. I KNOW THESE THINGS.

YOU PLAY THE ACCORDION.

YOU CAN MAKE A LIVING PLAYING THE ACCORDION.

YOU'RE GOOD AT IT.

YOU CAN MAKE A LIVING EATING FOOD.

YOU'RE GREAT AT IT.

YOU'RE SHORT. YOU'RE FAT.

YOU'RE PATHETIC.

YOU'RE...FAT!

BUDS! BUDS!

DON'T FORGET TO VOTE FOR THE WINTER BALL DANCE.

DON'T FORGET TO VOTE.

DON'T FORGET TO VOTE FOR THE DANCE.

DON'T FORGET TO VOTE.

DON'T FORGET TO VOTE FOR THE WINTER BALL DANCE.

KING AND QUEEN. REMEMBER, YOUR VOTE COUNTS.

DON'T FORGET TO VOTE. DON'T FORGET TO VOTE...

OW! HUBBA-HUBBA.

DON'T FORGET TO VOTE.

YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE FUNNY?

IF WE WENT TO THE DANCE.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

WATCH EVERYONE SPAZ OUT ON THE DANCE FLOOR.

LOOK AT ALL THE DILDOS STANDING AROUND,

PRETENDING TO WANT TO BE THERE.

TROY, WE ARE THOSE DILDOS.

IT'S JUST FOR KICKS.

YOUR MOM'S MAKING YOU GO TO THE DANCE.

WHY DID YOU TELL HER ABOUT IT?

I DON'T TELL HER EVERYTHING.

GREEN DAY! PHONE!

HEY! SHIT.

FAGGOT PINHEAD, YOU BETTER WATCH IT.

HEY, LAY OFF, MAN.

THANKS FOR THE TACKLE, BUFFOON--BETHUNE.

IGNORE HIM, ANGUS. HE'S AN ASSHOLE.

ANGUS!

WHAT'S THE PROBLEM HERE?

YOU GOT A TEMPER?

SAVE IT FOR THE FOOTBALL FIELD.

BUT HE-- SAVE IT, ANGUS.

IF YOU WANT OUT OF HERE,

I CAN ARRANGE IT RIGHT NOW.

IF YOU WANT INTO JEFFERSON, YOU'RE

GOING TO HAVE TO DO BETTER THAN THIS.

ONE SUSPENSION, YOU'LL LOSE YOUR SHOT.

AND I WILL SUSPEND YOU, ANGUS.

[BELL RINGS]

Principal: ALL RIGHT. LET'S CLEAR OUT.

COME ON. COME ON. NOTHING TO LOOK AT. LET'S GO.

WHAT'S WITH THE SAD PUPPY LOOK?

MELISSA MOVE AWAY OR SOMETHING?

TALK TO HER. HUH?

JUST ONCE BEFORE I DIE. WILL YOU DO THAT, PLEASE?

GRANDPA, SHE'S POPULAR.

YOU'RE NOT?

I'M A BABE MAGNET.

[LAUGHS]

IT RUNS IN THE FAMILY.

GRANDPA, EVERYONE WILL THINK I'M A JERK.

ANGUS, REMEMBER THESE WORDS...

AND ALWAYS LIVE BY THEM--

"SCREW 'EM!" WHO CARES WHAT ANYBODY THINKS?

I DO.

MOVE!

YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO TALK TO A GIRL? I KNOW!

WASN'T EASY FOR ME TO ASK APRIL OUT. YOU KNOW WHY I DID IT?

'CAUSE YOU'RE OLD AND SENILE?

'CAUSE I SAID, "SCREW 'EM."

ANY MINUTE NOW, YOU'RE GONNA START DROOLING.

I WENT AHEAD AND ASKED HER.

I'M NOT GOING TO BE YOUR DROOL WIPER.

I DIDN'T CARE WHAT ANYBODY THOUGHT.

YOU CAN'T REMEMBER WHAT ANYBODY THINKS ANYWAY.

YOUR MIND IS SHOT.

GRANDPA, YOU DON'T TALK TO MELISSA LEFEVRE

WHEN YOU'RE THE FAT KID WHO'S GOOD AT SCIENCE.

YOU'RE NOT THE FAT KID WHO'S GOOD AT FOOTBALL?

ANGUS, YOU'RE NOT FAT.

YOU COME FROM BIG PEOPLE. MY FATHER WAS BIG.

YOUR GRANDMOTHER, SHE WAS BIG.

YOU'RE NORMAL FOR WHERE YOU COME FROM.

I'M NOT NORMAL.

WELL, I'M BIG. I'M NORMAL.

YOU'RE DEFINITELY NOT NORMAL.

YOU'RE AT AN IRRITATING AGE.

SO ARE YOU.

IT'S TIME TO TAKE YOUR PILL.

FINALLY!

* KUNG FU, DO WHAT YOU DO TO ME *

* I HAVEN'T BEEN THE SAME SINCE MY TEENAGE LOBOTOMY... *

THEY SENT OUT SCHOOL SPIRIT DAY FLIERS.

WHY AREN'T YOU WEARING BLUE?

WHO READS THOSE THINGS?

OBVIOUSLY EVERYONE BUT YOU.

MAYBE IF YOU SHUT UP, NO ONE WILL NOTICE.

* COME ON, JACKIE CHAN, OH-OH-OH-OH... *

[CHEERING]

I AM A RECYCLING BIN.

I NEED LOVE.

YEAH! WHOO!

I NEED TRASH. YEAH!

IF EVERYBODY WOULD JUST GIVE ME THEIR PAPER CUPS AND PLATES,

NOT ONLY WILL WE HAVE A CLEANER DANCE FLOOR...

I'M GETTING A BONER.

BUT AN ECOLOGICAL ONE. TOO.

AND I'LL BE HAPPY.

[CHEERING]

Principal: THANK YOU.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR YOUR ENTHUSIASM.

I SEE THAT THE TIME HAS COME TO ANNOUNCE

WHO YOU'VE ELECTED...

AS YOUR KING AND QUEEN

FOR YOUR FRESHMAN WINTER BALL THIS YEAR.

I THINK WE KNOW WHO THE KING OF THE WINTER BALL IS THIS YEAR, DON'T WE?

HEY, IT'S NOT IN THE BAG,

BUT I THINK I GOT THE VOTES I WANTED.

AND TO DO THAT,

HERE IS YOUR FRESHMAN CLASS PRESIDENT, RICK SANFORD!

[CHEERING]

WHOO!

HA HA HA!

THANK YOU, PRINCIPAL METCALF.

THE THEME FOR THIS YEAR'S FRESHMAN WINTER BALL

IS COURAGE.

WE'RE GOING TO NEED COURAGE

TO FACE NEW CHALLENGES,

NEW PEOPLE, OUR FUTURE.

LET'S MAKE IT A MEMORY

NONE OF US WILL EVER FORGET.

[APPLAUSE]

[MOCK RETCHING]

AND NOW...

I AM PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE THAT THIS YEAR'S FRESHMAN WINTER BALL QUEEN...

WILL BE...

MELISSA LEFEVRE.

[CHEERING]

OH, MY GOD.

OW! OW!

SORRY.

Rick: COME ON UP. WILL MELISSA COME TO THE STAGE, PLEASE?

COME ON.

AND NOW YOUR VICE-PRESIDENT, JODY COLE, WILL ANNOUNCE...

WHO THIS YEAR'S WINTER BALL KING WILL BE.

[CHEERING]

OW! JODY!

WHOO! OKEY-DOKEY.

HERE YOU GO.

OK... UM...

OK. AND THIS YEAR'S WINTER BALL KING IS...

Both: NOT RICK! NOT RICK! NOT RICK! NOT RICK!

UH-- [LAUGHS WEAKLY]

UH--ANGUS BETHUNE?

Both: ALL RIGHT!

HOLY SHIT!

[WHEEZING LAUGH]

[JODY LAUGHS WEAKLY]

Jody: WOULD ANGUS BETHUNE

PLEASE COME UP TO THE STAGE?

PLEASE?

[FIRE ALARM]

Principal: SINGLE FILE. BE ORDERLY, NOW. ORDERLY.

SINGLE FILE. NO MORE THROWING, ALL RIGHT...

[RINGING CONTINUES]

EXIT IN AN ORDERLY FASHION! NO THROWING.

Girl: WHAT A JOKE.

ORDERLY FASHION. AH! WATCH THAT OVER THERE.

NO THROWING! NO THROWING. I GOT YOUR NAMES.

Angus, voice-over: OK, IT WAS A JOKE. I KNEW THAT.

AND A HELL OF A GOOD ONE, TOO.

BUT LIKE MY GRANDFATHER SAYS,

"LAUGH WITH 'EM, AND THEY CAN'T LAUGH AT YOU."

THANKS.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

BUDS. BUDS.

I'M NOT GOING.

WHY NOT?

WHY NOT? WHY NOT? WHAT DO YOU MEAN, WHY NOT?

I MEAN WHY NOT?

COME ON. YOU GET TO DANCE WITH MELISSA LEFEVRE.

I'D SELL BODY PARTS FOR A CHANCE LIKE THAT.

TROY, MELISSA LEFEVRE'S PROBABLY SOMEWHERE PUKING HER GUTS OUT RIGHT NOW.

ANGUS.

I'M NOT GOING.

ANGUS.

I'M NOT GOING!

MELISSA.

Angus, voice-over: IN ALL THE YEARS I'D KNOWN MELISSA LEFEVRE,

I'D NEVER ACTUALLY SPOKEN TO HER...

"LATE FOR CLASS?" NO.

"HEY, HOW ARE YOU DOIN'?"

"HEY, MELISSA, RIGHT?" DUH! OF COURSE SHE'S MELISSA!

AND AT THAT MOMENT

I REALIZED I PROBABLY NEVER WOULD.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

* I'M INFLAMED WITH DESIRE, AND IT'S SPREADING LIKE WILDFIRE *

* SHE DOESN'T KNOW IT, BUT SHE'LL SOON BE MINE *

* IT'S JUST A QUESTION OF TIME *

* RUBELLA

* I'M INSANELY OBSESSED, AND I SIMPLY WILL NOT REST *

* SHE DOESN'T KNOW IT YET, BUT SHE'S THE ONE *

Angus, voice-over: I COULDN'T HELP BUT WONDER

WHAT MELISSA LEFEVRE WAS THINKING.

SHE'D BE AT THE DANCE WITH RICK, OF COURSE,

SO HER "WINTER NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET" WOULD LAST BUT A FEW MINUTES AT MOST.

SHE'D PROBABLY TELL HERSELF, "IT'S LIKE A TRIP TO THE DENTIST.

"NO MATTER HOW BADLY HE'S GONNA HURT ME,

NO MATTER HOW MANY BARE NERVES HE DRILLS,

"IN AN HOUR I'LL BE OUT OF THERE,

AND I'LL STILL BE ALIVE."

OF COURSE, MELISSA HADN'T SEEN ME DANCE.

Troy: WHEN YOU WANT SOMETHING, YOU HAVE TO MOTIVATE YOURSELF.

MOTIVATION.

LITTLE STOMACH MUSCLES ABOVE THE BELLY BUTTON.

TINY BLONDE HAIRS...

ON LONG...

ATHLETIC...THIGHS.

SHE DOES HAVE GREAT LITTLE STOMACH MUSCLES.

HOW AM I GONNA PULL THIS OFF?

WE'RE GONNA TURN YOU...

FROM A LARGE, PATHETIC VIRGIN...

INTO A LARGE, PATHETIC VIRGIN WITH A NEW LOOK!

WE'LL EXPERIMENT.

[SNORING]

[NEEDLE DROPS ON RECORD]

[TRUMPET PLAYING "REVEILLE"]

[NEEDLE SCRATCHES]

I WAS AWAKE, DAMN IT!

IT'S TIME TO TAKE YOUR PILL.

WHERE'S MY VEST?

[COUGHING]

I HAVE TO GO TO THIS DANCE AT SCHOOL.

I'M THE WINTER BALL KING.

THAT'S GOOD.

FOR A LAUGH. IT WAS A JOKE.

THIS HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THAT...

QUARTERBACK?

I SHOULD'VE BROKEN HIS NOSE.

YOU CAN'T GO AROUND BEATIN' EVERYBODY UP

JUST 'CAUSE THEY DON'T LIKE YOU.

USE WHAT YOU HAVE IN HERE.

YOU HAVE A BIG HEART, ANGUS.

I HAVE A FAT HEART, GRANDPA.

I CAN'T DANCE.

I EVER TELL YOU ABOUT THE IRISH SWOON?

THE IRISH SWOON IS AN OLD FAMILY SECRET.

YOU'RE ON THE DANCE FLOOR, SEE?

YOU CRADLE YOUR GIRL IN YOUR ARMS.

CRUSH HER RIBS.

AND THEN...

YOU SWEEP HER BACK.

AND SNAP HER NECK.

THEN YOU KISS HER.

YEAH. AND THEN SHE'S TRAUMATIZED FOR LIFE

AND GOES ON A SHOOTING SPREE,

KILLING LARGE PEOPLE.

ANGUS, SHUT UP.

[HORN HONKING]

NOW, THE KEY TO THE IRISH SWOON...

IS TO DO IT IN ONE SMOOTH MOTION

BEFORE SHE GETS A CHANCE TO REALIZE WHAT HIT HER.

THAT'S HOW I NABBED APRIL.

[HONKS HORN]

GRANDPA, I WILL NEVER, EVER, IN MY ENTIRE LIFE...

GET A CHANCE TO KISS MELISSA LEFEVRE'S DOG, LET ALONE MELISSA.

WHY THE HELL NOT?

BECAUSE FIRST OF ALL, I CAN'T TOUCH HER.

WHY THE HELL NOT? HI, TROY.

SWEAT! HI, TROY. HEY.

EVERYBODY SWEATS.

NOT LIKE ME.

I DON'T SWEAT, I RAIN.

THAT'S GROSS!

YOU THINK SOMETHING'S GROSS?

YOU WANT GROSS? TOUCH ANGUS' HEAD.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

YOUR HAIR LOOKS RIDICULOUS.

IT WAS AN EXPERIMENT, DAMN IT.

[CRINKLING]

YEAH.

Grandpa: ANGUS...

THIS IS MADAME RULENSKA.

SHE IS GOING TO TEACH YOU HOW TO CUT A RUG.

DRIFT WITH THE CURRENT OF YOUR FEELINGS...

AND MOVE WITH ME.

ARE YOU READY? GOOD.

AND--

Singer: * FIESTA, HA HA! [RIP]

Rulenska: MY SCARF!

WHAT?

GET YOUR FOOT OFF THE SCARF! WHAT?

GET YOUR FOOT OFF--

Singer: * YES, GIRLS

[CHUCKLES WEAKLY]

* ME MIND ON FIRE...

ALL RIGHT. START. 1, 2, 3, UH!

1 AND 2 AND 3, UH!

OH, THAT'S VERY GOOD. YES.

OH, WAIT A MINUTE. THAT'S BAD.

* ALL AROUND ME FEELIN' HOT, HOT, HOT... *

[CLANK]

AND--

[CRUNCH]

* ON A NIGHT LIKE THIS

* AIN'T IT SWEET

ON THE FEET!

Grandpa: SCREW 'EM, ANGUS. JUST DANCE!

YOU'RE DANCIN', ANGUS.

* FEELIN' HOT, HOT, HOT...

YOU'RE DANCIN'!

* OH, LORD...

[SINGER LAUGHS]

OHH!

[MUZAK PLAYING]

Man: IT'S THE BIGGEST SIZE WE HAVE LEFT IN BLACK.

I WANT BLACK.

Grandpa: WHAT ELSE DO YOU HAVE?

I HAVE ONE OTHER THING IN HIS SIZE, BUT IT ISN'T BLACK.

I WANT BLACK!

WE'LL GIVE IT A TRY.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

[BLOWS]

[SNIFFS]

OHH!

THIS SHOULD FIT.

IT'S PURPLE.

IT'S PLUM.

IT'S CLASSY.

Both: IT'S PLUM.

IT'S YOUR SIZE.

Angus: EVERYONE WILL BE WEARING BLACK.

Grandpa: YOU'LL BE DIFFERENT.

THAT'S TRUE.

I DON'T WANT TO BE DIFFERENT. I WANT NORMAL.

I WANT SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE.

I WANT A BLACK TUXEDO.

IT'LL LOOK GREAT ON YOU.

AND AS FOR WHAT ANYBODY ELSE THINKS,

ALWAYS REMEMBER THESE WORDS AND LIVE BY 'EM:

"SCREW 'EM!" HE'LL TRY IT ON.

NO, HE WON'T.

PUT IT IN THE DRESSING ROOM.

Angus: PUT IT ON A RACK.

PUT IT ON A DEAD GUY AND BURY IT.

["RIDE OF THE VALKYRIES" PLAYING]

[IMITATING WOMAN'S VOICE] HELLO, BIG BOY.

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

THIS IS WANDA.

WANDA?

MY DAD USED TO HAVE HER IN HIS WAITING ROOM,

BUT SHE KIND OF SCARED ALL THE KIDS. YOU KNOW.

I'LL BET.

AND SHE IS WHAT, YOUR DATE?

ACTUALLY, SHE'S YOURS.

[ROCK SONG STARTS]

* I'M THINKING ABOUT

* ASKING YOU TO BE

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M TAPING THIS.

GET OUT OF HERE.

ANGUS, IT'S WHAT JOCKS DO

SO THEY CAN SEE WHERE THEY'RE MAKING MISTAKES.

FORGET IT.

ANGUS, THE DANCE IS ON THE 22nd.

YOU'VE GOT TWO AND A HALF WEEKS, BUD.

NO ONE SEES THE TAPE, AND YOU DON'T TELL YOUR MOTHER?

I DON'T TELL HER EVERYTHING.

* AND I'D RATHER

* BE TOO YOUNG THAN TOO OLD *

LOOK UNDER HER SHIRT.

HEY, SHE'S ANATOMICALLY CORRECT.

OW! HEY, WATCH IT!

HEY, A GIRL'S BOD IS A GIRL'S BOD.

THERE'S MORE TO GIRLS THAN JUST THEIR BODS, GEEK.

RIGHT. AND YOU GO NUTS FOR MELISSA

BECAUSE OF HER GRADES?

* LOOK AT ALL THE THINGS... *

Angus: SHE'S BEAUTIFUL, OK?

THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT HER.

HER BOD, BUD.

[SCOFFS] NO, TROY.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS.

I GET THE WORST PAIN IN MY STOMACH WHENEVER I SEE HER.

YOU GET A BONER IN YOUR STOMACH?

OW! HEY!

YOU'RE SUCH A GOOD DANCER.

HA HA! THANKS.

NOT YOU.

[TROY SPEAKING ON VIDEOTAPE]

DO YOU WANT TO BE ALONE?

[LAUGHING ON RECORDING]

THIS WAS MY IDEA.

[ANGUS ON TAPE] DO I LOOK STUPID?

CAN I TAKE HER HOME?

[SONG PLAYING ON VIDEOTAPE]

JUST FOR A WEEK.

[NEW SONG STARTS]

* MY FRIEND DROVE OFF THE OTHER DAY *

* NOW HE'S GONE AND ALL THEY SAY *

* IS YOU GOT TO LIVE 'CAUSE LIFE GOES ON *

* AND NOW I SEE I'M MORTAL, TOO *

* I CAN'T LIVE MY LIFE LIKE YOU *

* GOT TO LIVE IT UP WHILE LIFE GOES ON *

* AND I THINK IT'S ALL RIGHT *

* THAT I DO WHAT I LIKE

* 'CAUSE THAT'S THE WAY I WANNA LIVE *

* IT'S HOW I GIVE

* AND I'M STILL GIVIN'

* AND NOW I WONDER 'BOUT MY FRIEND *

* IF HE GAVE ALL HE COULD GIVE *

* 'CAUSE HE LIVED HIS LIFE LIKE I LIVE MINE *

* IF YOU COULD SEE INSIDE MY HEAD *

* THEN YOU'D START TO UNDERSTAND *

* THE THINGS I VALUE IN MY HEART *

* AND I THINK IT'S ALL RIGHT *

* THAT I DO WHAT I LIKE...

Man on radio: OK, WE'RE HERE AT RADIO OWATONNA.

AND WE GOT ANOTHER WINNER HERE.

TWO TICKETS AND BACKSTAGE PASSES

FOR THE UPCOMING GREEN DAY CONCERT FOR RICK SANFORD.

TELL US HOW YOU WON, RICK.

Rick on radio: HEY, GREAT! YOU KNOW, I WAS JUST WALKIN' BY A PHONE BOOTH...

AND I HEARD THIS SONG COME OVER THIS GUY'S CAR RADIO, SO I DECIDED TO CALL.

[COIN DROPS]

HEY! I JUST GOT MY QUARTER BACK!

[CRASH]

[BELL RINGING]

OH, HEY, IT'S BIG RED. WHERE'S THE TUBSTER?

I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE HIM ON THE DANCE FLOOR.

YEAH. WATCH ALL THAT LARD SHAKIN' AROUND.

[TROY COUGHING]

Short football player: THIS SHOULD BE COOL.

ANGUS IS GONNA BLOW YOUR BONEHEAD FACE OFF THE DANCE FLOOR.

[LAUGHTER]

WHEN ANGUS DANCES WITH MELISSA,

SHE'S NEVER GONNA LOOK BACK.

ANGUS CAN DANCE?

YEAH.

THAT SUCKS.

Tall football player: YEAH, REALLY.

WHAT IF HE'S REALLY GOOD?

I MEAN, ALL YOU CAN DO IS THAT...

WHITE THING.

SHUT UP!

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO IF HE CAN REALLY DANCE?

I MEAN...

I DON'T KNOW.

LOOK, SOMETHING, OK?

HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

LET ME GO! COME ON!

THANKS FOR THE TIP.

Rick: YOU KNOW, UM,

YOU REALLY SHOULDN'T HANG AROUND THE HALLS

WITHOUT A PASS.

Short football player: HEY, KEEP THIS TO YOURSELF, SQUAT.

Tall football player: YEAH. HEH HEH.

Rick: LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.

OK.

YOU ARE SUCH A LOSER.

DUDE, YOU COULDN'T HIT THE SIDE OF A BARN.

Troy: AND, LIKE, HE CAME DOWN. AND THEY CAPTURED HIM,

AND THEY, LIKE, CHAINED HIM UP...

AND THEY CUT OFF HIS ARMS AND LEGS SO HE CAN'T GET AWAY.

AND THEY TOOK, LIKE, THIS METAL ROD

AND THEY STICK IT INTO HIS HEAD.

AND IT, LIKE, SUCKS OUT HIS BRAINS,

REPLACES IT WITH, LIKE, THIS GREEN GLOWING OOZE...

SO IT CAN TAKE OVER HIS BODY. I MEAN, IT'S SO COOL...

WEDBERG! HIT THE SHOWERS!

I'VE GOT A NOTE FROM MY DOCTOR.

IT'S UPSIDE DOWN, WEDBERG.

THIS IS FROM YOUR FATHER.

HE'S A DOCTOR.

HE'S A DENTIST.

I HAVE SORE GUMS.

SHOWER!

EVERY DAY I GO THROUGH THIS WITH THIS KID.

HEY, MY SHIRT'S GONE.

YOU'RE A REAL ASSHOLE, SANFORD.

DID I SAY THAT?

Short football player: TOUGH GUY.

HEY, IT'S THE BUTTERBALL KING.

JUST GIVE HIM HIS SHIRT BACK.

TROY.

OH, YOU LOSE YOUR SHIRT, MAN?

LIKE YOU DIDN'T KNOW.

LISTEN, ANGUS, I'D LEND YOU MY SHIRT,

BUT I'M AFRAID IT'S NOT GONNA FIT.

IT MIGHT RIP ON YOU.

Troy: THAT'S 'CAUSE IT'S CHEAP, LIKE YOUR MOTHER.

WHOO! OOH.

Troy: HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'?

LET ME GO! LET ME GO!

LET ME GO! QUIT IT! OW! OW! QUIT IT!

OW!

I WANT MY SHIRT BACK.

MAYBE YOU LOST IT.

Troy: DON'T HIT HIM, ANGUS. YOU'LL GET EXPELLED!

IF HE STILL WANTS TO GO TO THE DANCE AFTER ALL THIS,

GOOD FOR HIM.

YOU KNOW, HE WON FAIR AND SQUARE.

I KNOW YOU SET IT UP!

HEY, IT WAS A LITTLE JOKE, OK?

YOU SHOULD BE THANKING ME. I MEAN,

THIS IS THE CHANCE YOU'VE WANTED YOUR WHOLE LIFE, RIGHT?

NOW IT'S YOURS. I'M THE ONE GETTING THE SHAFT THIS TIME.

MELISSA'S BITCHIN' MY EAR OUT 'CAUSE SHE'S GOT TO DANCE WITH YOU.

HEY, YOU KNOW, I MEAN, NOTHING PERSONAL.

[KNOCKING ON LOCKER DOOR]

Troy: COME ON. LET ME OUT!

[SNIFFLING]

YOU KNOW, IT DOESN'T SMELL SO BAD IN HERE.

EASY. EASY.

HE TOOK MY UNDERWEAR, TOO.

SCREW RICK AND SCREW THE DANCE!

HE'S JUST GONNA DO SOMETHING TO YOU.

SO WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?

GO TO CLASS WITHOUT UNDERWEAR.

[ZIPS UP]

OH, CAREFUL!

[EXCITED CHATTER, LAUGHTER]

Boy: WHERE IS IT?

Second boy: RIGHT UP THERE.

Third boy: NO WAY!

[GIRL LAUGHING]

Girl: OH, WOW!

ANGUS?

WHAT?

I THINK I KNOW WHAT RICK DID WITH YOUR UNDERWEAR.

Fourth boy: OH, WOW!

Boy: HEY, CHECK IT OUT!

I DON'T BELIEVE IT.

YEAH...

DO YOU BELIEVE IT?

[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] NO.

YOUR UNDERWEAR IS ALMOST AS BIG AS THE FLAG.

Principal: BUFORD, GET THAT DOWN FROM THERE.

ANGUS, LOOK AT IT THIS WAY.

WHAT COULD BE WORSE?

[GASPS]

[MUFFLED MOANING]

[GASPS]

[RIFF OF "STAR-SPANGLED BANNER" PLAYS ON SOUNDTRACK]

Together: SHE DIDN'T SEE IT! SHE DIDN'T SEE IT!

SHE DIDN'T SEE IT!

I DON'T BELIEVE IT! YEAH...

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH! YES!

Girl: HEY, MELISSA!

[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S WHAT YOU CALL GETTING A SLICE OF THE OLD DICK PIE.

EVERYONE'S GONE, ANGUS. CAN WE GO NOW?

[SIGHS]

Angus, voice-over: I WAS PISSED.

THAT WAS MY FAVORITE PAIR OF UNDERWEAR.

MAYBE NO ONE KNEW THEY WERE YOURS.

IT'S NOT LIKE YOU HAD YOUR NAME PRINTED ALL OVER THEM OR ANYTHING.

HEY, MAN, I'M NOT THE ONE

WHO PUT YOUR UNDERWEAR ON THE FLAGPOLE.

[LAUGHING]

THAT WAS YOUR UNDERWEAR, ANGUS?

[LAUGHING]

[VEHICLE ENGINE STARTS]

[HORN HONKS]

TROY...

I'M--

WHATEVER.

WHAT?

Rick: THE DANCE IS COMING UP, AND WE REALLY WANT TO PLAY A LITTLE JOKE ON ANGUS,

BUT WE'RE KIND OF STUMPED ON WHAT IT SHOULD BE.

HOPING MAYBE YOU COULD HELP US.

GIVE ME A BREAK!

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

JUST GIVE US SOMETHING WE CAN USE TO--

TO EMBARRASS HIM IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE SCHOOL!

FORGET IT!

OW!

LOOK, IT'S JUST FOR FUN, MAN.

Troy: I'M NOT GONNA DO IT!

OK.

LET'S GO.

Troy: HEY! LET ME GO!

LET ME GO! LET ME--HELP!

AAH!

OW!

COME ON, MAN. LET'S GO.

[TROY SOBBING]

Rick: SEE? SEE, TOUGH GUY?

MAN, WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM?

LOOK, JUST HELP US OUT WITH THIS.

I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING.

THEN GET SOMETHING, ALL RIGHT?

THIS IS IMPORTANT, YOU UNDERSTAND?

UNDERSTAND?

[SPEAKING YIDDISH]

ABSOLUTELY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOIN' HERE?

DID YOU TAKE YOUR PILL?

INSIDE COAT POCKET.

ANGUS.

WHAT?

YOU'RE MAKING ME NERVOUS.

THIS IS MY LAST DAY AS A BACHELOR. I NEED MY PEACE.

WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?

RICK SANFORD.

YOU BREAK THAT KID'S NOSE AGAIN?

I'M THINKING ABOUT IT.

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN ANOTHER QUARTERBACK COMES ALONG?

'CAUSE THERE'S ALWAYS GONNA BE ANOTHER QUARTERBACK, ANGUS.

I'M SICK AND TIRED OF HEARING THAT! PEOPLE SUCK, GRANDPA.

I COULD KNOCK THIS GUY OUT WITH ONE PUNCH.

FORGET IT. YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND?

Angus: THAT'S WHY I WANTED TO GO TO JEFFERSON, OK?

BECAUSE NO ONE WILL KNOW WHO I AM,

AND IF NOBODY KNOWS WHO I AM, I DON'T HAVE TO BE ANGUS BETHUNE.

I CAN'T GO TO THIS DANCE.

YOU'RE A COWARD IF YOU DON'T.

I CAN'T DANCE. I CAN'T TALK TO GIRLS.

BUT I CAN SMASH RICK SANFORD'S FACE IN.

YOU'RE A COWARD IF YOU DO.

YOU THINK I DON'T UNDERSTAND?

YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW WHAT PEOPLE ARE SAYING ABOUT APRIL AND ME?

SHE'S TOO YOUNG. I'M TOO OLD. SCREW 'EM!

YOU DON'T SEE ME PUNCHING ANYBODY OUT.

BECAUSE YOU'RE A FOOL, GRANDPA,

AND I'M TIRED OF BEING ONE!

I'M A FOOL, HUH?

WELL, APRIL DOESN'T THINK SO.

AND I'M GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW,

AND I DON'T CARE WHAT THE HELL ANYBODY SAYS ABOUT IT.

I NEED MY MOMENT, DAMN IT!

[SONG PLAYING ON RADIO]

* SITTING BACK AND DOING NOTHING *

* I COULD HATE YOU, I DON'T THINK I WILL *

* IF YOU EVER SEE ME ANYWHERE *

* AND YOU KNOW ME, PLEASE WALK AWAY... *

WHY ISN'T THIS WORKING?

ANGUS! MOM?

I'M WORKING ON MY SCIENCE PROJECT.

OH, OK! YOU'RE NOT WEARING THIS TIE.

Grandpa: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

THAT'S A BEAUTIFUL TIE. IT'S A CLIP-ON!

MEG, YOU'RE MAKING EVERYBODY CRAZY.

YOU'RE ON ME ALL THE TIME ABOUT THE WEDDING.

YOU'RE ALL OVER ANGUS ABOUT THIS SCIENCE SCHOOL CRAP!

IT'S NOT CRAP, DAD. IT'S CRAP!

IT'S A WONDERFUL OPPORTUNITY FOR HIM.

IT'S A CHANCE TO EXCEL AT SOMETHING HE'S REALLY GREAT AT!

IT'S GOOD FOR ANGUS.

IT'S ALSO AN OPPORTUNITY FOR HIM TO GO SOMEPLACE

WHERE HE DOESN'T HAVE TO ACCOUNT FOR WHO HIS PARENTS ARE.

SCREW WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO PROVE ANYTHING.

NEITHER DOES HE.

THIS DANCE THING IS A PRANK.

I DON'T WANT HIM HUMILIATED IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE SCHOOL.

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING?

YOU'RE NOT GIVING THE BOY CREDIT FOR BEING STRONG.

YOU KNOW, EVERY TIME HE SITS DOWN IN THE CAFETERIA,

THE KIDS JUMP UP AND PRETEND

THEY'RE BEING THROWN OFF THE BENCH.

THEY CALL HIM "BIGFOOT."

HE NEVER MENTIONED THAT TO ME.

HE NEVER TOLD ME EITHER.

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY DID WITH HIS UNDERWEAR?

THEY RAN IT UP THE FLAGPOLE JUST TO HUMILIATE HIM.

AND HE GETS UP, AND HE GOES BACK THERE EVERY SINGLE DAY.

SO DON'T YOU TELL ME I DON'T KNOW HOW STRONG MY SON IS.

I KNOW.

AND IF HE WANTS TO GO TO ANY GOD DAMN SCHOOL

WHERE THE KIDS WON'T SLAP THEIR BELLIES

EVERY TIME HE WALKS BY, THEN HE DAMN WELL CAN!

THAT WAS YOU, KID.

THIRD GRADE.

LOOK HOW YOU TURNED OUT.

[CHUCKLES]

Singer: * DOIN' EVERYTHING I WANNA DO *

* MAYBE SOMEDAY YOU WOULD BE THERE *

* I THOUGHT WE WOULD ALWAYS GET ALONG *

* I LIKE EVERYONE, THEY ALL HATE ME *

* FUNNY FACE, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU ANYWAY? *

* FUNNY FACE, WHY DO I CARE *

* OHH OHH OHH OHH

* OHHH OHHH OHH OHH

[STIFLED LAUGHING]

IS THIS-- IS THIS A BAD TIME?

[POP, AIR ESCAPING]

[LAUGHS]

IS THIS A FRIEND?

MOM. I JUST WANTED TO SAY HI.

HI.

LOOK, ANGUS, YOUR INTERVIEW IS ON THE 22nd.

YOU KNOW HOW SOON THAT IS?

I KNOW WHEN THE 22nd IS, MOM. TRUST ME.

IT'S THE DAY OF THE DANCE. ALL RIGHT.

BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN--

MOM--I...

FORGET IT.

THE INTERVIEW IS AT 3:00.

YOU'VE GOT PLENTY OF TIME TO GET READY FOR THE DANCE.

MOM.

HAAGEN-DAZS.

[LAUGHING]

WHY DON'T YOU BRING YOUR LITTLE FRIEND?

Angus, voice-over: SINCE I COULD REMEMBER,

MY GRANDFATHER WAS ALWAYS THE BIG KID DOWN THE HALL.

[HORN HONKING]

IT'S FUNNY HOW YOU CAN BE SO COMFORTABLE WITH SOMEONE...

THAT YOU THINK THEY'LL ALWAYS BE THERE.

AND THEN ONE DAY YOU REALIZE THEY'RE NOT.

Meg: THOSE ARE THE SHRIMP ROLLS?

I THOUGHT THEY'D BE BIGGER.

OH, GOD. ARE THOSE THE MEATBALLS?

SHH. I DIDN'T ORDER ENOUGH FOOD.

Man: MEG, THERE IS ENOUGH FOOD HERE TO FEED TWO ARMIES.

ANGUS?

ANGUS?

ANGUS, UM, COULD YOU HELP ME FOR A SECOND?

UM, I WANT YOU TO TELL ME THE TRUTH.

THE ROSETTE-- WITH OR WITHOUT?

E-EITHER WAY.

I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M SO NERVOUS.

I SENT A SCHEDULE FOR GRANDPA'S PILLS.

OH, I KNOW IT. 12:00 AND 5:00.

1:00 AND 4:00.

OH. I'VE GOT IT ALL WRITTEN DOWN IN THIS BOOK.

ANGUS, I PROMISE I WON'T FORGET. REALLY, I PROMISE.

WOULD YOU PLEASE TELL MY HUSBAND-TO-BE...

THAT HIS FUTURE WIFE IS ALMOST READY?

GRANDPA?

APRIL SAID SHE'S ALMOST READY.

GOOD, GOOD.

[CHUCKLES]

I TELL YOU, I-- I FEEL LIKE A KID.

HA HA! LOOK AT ME. I'M NERVOUS.

LOOK, I-I'M SWEATING.

I GOT A LITTLE SECRET FOR YOU.

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

I FEEL LIKE IT'S MY WEDDING DAY.

THIS IS YOUR WEDDING DAY, GRANDPA.

HOW DOES APRIL LOOK?

SHE WOULDN'T LET ME SEE HER WEDDING DRESS.

I TELL YOU, THAT WOMAN.

EVERY TIME I LOOK AT HER,

I GET THE WORST PAIN...

RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF MY STOMACH, YOU KNOW?

IT'S A GREAT FEELING.

I KNOW.

THESE THINGS ARE SO STUPID.

YOUR MOTHER WOULDN'T LET ME WEAR A CLIP-ON.

NOBODY CAN TELL.

I'M SORRY ABOUT THE OTHER DAY.

AH, I FORGOT ABOUT IT.

I REALLY FEEL BAD.

IT'S FORGOTTEN.

I DIDN'T MEAN WHAT I SAID.

I'M TELLING YOU,

I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER IT. I CAN'T REMEMBER ANYTHING!

NOT A GOD DAMN THING ANYMORE. HUH.

GRANDPA, I WAS A JERK.

AND...

I'M GLAD YOU'RE MARRYING APRIL.

YOU SHOULD SEE HER.

I THINK SHE REALLY LOVES YOU A LOT.

BUT STILL...

IT TAKES A LOT OF GUTS.

YOU GOT BALLS, GRANDPA.

MORE THAN ME.

ANGUS, SUPERMAN ISN'T BRAVE.

DID YOU TAKE YOUR PILL THIS MORNING?

HA HA. YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

HE'S SMART, HANDSOME,

EVEN DECENT, BUT HE'S NOT BRAVE.

NOW, LISTEN TO ME.

SUPERMAN IS INDESTRUCTIBLE.

AND YOU CAN'T BE BRAVE...

IF YOU'RE INDESTRUCTIBLE.

IT'S PEOPLE LIKE YOU AND YOUR MOTHER,

PEOPLE WHO ARE... DIFFERENT...

AND CAN BE CRUSHED, AND KNOW IT.

YET THEY KEEP GOIN' ON OUT THERE EVERY TIME.

I'M NOT BRAVE, GRANDPA.

I'M SO AFRAID OF GOING TO THIS DANCE.

AND I KNOW EVERYBODY THINKS I'M STUPID FOR TRYING,

EVERYBODY BUT YOU.

I WISH I COULD JUST STOP LIKING MELISSA,

BUT I CAN'T.

BECAUSE...

NOW IT'S SORT OF LIKE I HAVE A CHANCE,

YOU KNOW, TO BE WITH HER, I MEAN.

I'M NOT CRAZY.

I KNOW SHE'S NOT GONNA BE STRUCK BLIND...

AND ASK ME TO TAKE HER HOME FROM THE DANCE

OR ANYTHING.

BUT IT'S THE ONLY CHANCE I'LL HAVE.

AND I GUESS...

I JUST WANT ONE MOMENT WITH HER.

JUST ONE.

I JUST WANT MY MOMENT.

[NEEDLE DROPS ON RECORD]

[TRUMPET PLAYING "REVEILLE"]

GRANDPA?

I'M SO GLAD YOU WERE ABLE TO DO THIS.

IT'S A PLEASURE.

IT MEANS SO MUCH TO DADDY.

IN THE MORNING, I MIGHT NOT BE HERE.

[LAUGHING]

[SOBBING]

[SONG PLAYING ON SOUNDTRACK]

* WILL THE RIVER CARRY ME ON *

* LIVIN' RIVER CARRY ME ON *

* RIVER, RIVER CARRY ME ON *

* TO THE PLACE WHERE I COME FROM *

* SO DEEP, SO WIDE

* WILL YOU TAKE ME ON YOUR BACK *

* FOR A RIDE

* IF I SHOULD FALL

* WOULD YOU SWALLOW ME

* DEEP INSIDE

* RIVER, SHOW ME HOW TO FLOAT *

* I FEEL LIKE I'M SINKING DOWN *

* THOUGHT THAT I COULD

* GET ALONG

* BUT HERE IN THIS WATER

* MY FEET WON'T TOUCH THE GROUND *

* GOING AWAY

* AWAY

* TOWARD THE SEA

* RIVER DEEP

* CAN YOU LIFT UP AND CARRY ME *

WHAT HAPPENED?

FELL OFF MY BIKE.

PRETTY STUPID, HUH?

IT'S A BABE MAGNET.

SO WHEN YOU COMING BACK TO SCHOOL?

TOMORROW.

I GUESS YOU'RE NOT GOING TO THE DANCE.

I'M NOT GOING TO THE DANCE, OK?

OK.

MY INTERVIEW FOR JEFFERSON'S ON SATURDAY.

THAT'S GREAT, MAN. WHO NEEDS IT, RIGHT?

HEY, WE CAN RENT A VIDEO.

I HEAR CINDY CRAWFORD'S GOT A NEW BUTT AND THIGH WORKOUT--

SHUT UP, TROY!

YOU JUST DON'T KNOW HOW IT FEELS!

I DON'T KNOW HOW IT FEELS?

YOU THINK YOU'RE THE ONLY PERSON ON EARTH

WHO WAKES UP EVERY MORNING WISHING THEY WERE SOMEONE ELSE?

TROY, I WANTED TO GO TO THE DANCE!

DON'T YOU GET IT?

THEN WHY AREN'T YOU GOING?

BECAUSE...

I THINK I HAVE TO STOP WANTING THINGS SO MUCH.

CAN I HELP YOU?

HI, ANGUS.

HI.

DO YOU WANNA COME IN?

UM...

NO, I DON'T THINK SO.

WE HAVE FOOD.

[BEEPING]

[BEEPING STOPS]

IT'S TIME FOR IVAN'S PILL.

SEE? I DID REMEMBER.

THIS IS FOR YOU.

IVAN LEFT IT FOR YOU AT MY HOUSE.

[SNIFFLES, LAUGHS]

IT'S AN AWFUL COLOR, ISN'T IT?

IT'S PLUM.

I LOOK LIKE MOBY GRAPE.

YOU LOOK TERRIFIC.

I DON'T WANT YOU TO GET HURT.

I WON'T, MOM.

AS LONG AS YOU LET ME GO.

I CAN DO THIS.

I KNOW YOU CAN.

I CAN'T DO THIS.

YES, YOU CAN. NO, I CAN'T.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

MY INTERVIEWER FROM JEFFERSON'S HERE.

YES, YOUR INTERVIEWER FROM JEFFERSON, MR. KESSLER,

IS HERE.

I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE HERE AT 3:00,

BUT TRAFFIC WAS BUMPER-TO-BUMPER...

WITH EVERY DROOLING, MOUTH-BREATHING BOTTOM-FEEDER...

FROM HERE TO MINNEAPOLIS GOING TO THE FOOTBALL GAME.

MINDLESS SPORT.

IT'S GOING TO TAKE ME AT LEAST A FEW HOURS...

TO ASSESS YOUR QUALIFICATIONS AND ANALYZE YOUR WORK.

I ASSUME YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE.

W-WE ALWAYS DRESS FOR DINNER.

SO, YOU WANT TO ATTEND JEFFERSON.

THAT'S NOT DIFFICULT TO UNDERSTAND;

WE HAVE AN EXCEPTIONAL PROGRAM.

I WENT THERE MYSELF WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE.

IT WAS A REWARDING EXPERIENCE WITH...

OBVIOUS BENEFITS.

NOW, IF I COULD SEE YOUR SCIENCE EXPERIMENT,

MR. BETHUNE.

DO YOU HAVE A SCIENCE EXPERIMENT, MR. BETHUNE?

YES. YES, I DO.

Kessler: MAY I SEE IT?

YOU'RE LOOKING AT IT.

IS THIS A JOKE, MR. BETHUNE?

NO.

I'M HOPING TO PROVE THAT WITHIN EVERY NORMAL SYSTEM...

THERE EXISTS AN ABERRATION, SOMETHING DIFFERENT.

THE CHAOS THEORY.

THE BETHUNE THEORY.

YOUR HYPOTHESIS?

WHEN A SMALL, ABNORMAL ELEMENT IS FORCED

INTO A LARGER, NORMAL SYSTEM,

THE ELEMENT WILL EITHER BE REJECTED OR DESTROYED.

OBVIOUSLY.

BUT IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE THAT WAY. IF--

"IF"?

IF THE ELEMENT IS BRAVE.

Kessler: BRAVE?

IF THE ELEMENT CAN HOLD OUT LONG ENOUGH

AND FACE THE TORMENT OF THE SYSTEM UNTIL THE SYSTEM'S ENERGY IS DEPLETED,

IF THE ELEMENT CAN LOOK THE SYSTEM IN THE EYE AND SAY,

"I'M STILL HERE, ASSHOLE,"

THEN THE SYSTEM WILL HAVE TO CHANGE, ADAPT, MUTATE.

AND IF THIS HAPPENS, IT'LL HAVE PROVED MY FRICKING POINT.

WHICH IS...WHAT?

THERE IS NO "NORMAL."

ANGUS, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

TO MUTATE.

[DOOR CLOSES]

[EXCITED CHATTER]

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I'M THE ENTERTAINMENT.

ANGUS, RICK'S GONNA DO SOMETHING TO YOU. I KNOW.

SCREW HIM. I WANT MY MOMENT.

AND IF YOU CAN'T STAND TO WATCH, THEN DON'T! TAKE OFF!

TELL YOUR MOM. GET A LIFE.

SCREW YOU!

SCREW YOU!

WANNA WALK IN TOGETHER? YEAH.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

* ...ENOUGH IS ENOUGH

* I HAVE NO ONE ELSE TO BLAME.... *

ANGUS?

WHAT?

I GOT TO GO TO THE BATHROOM.

WHATEVER.

* ENOUGH TO ENOUGH

* I HAVE NO ONE ELSE TO BLAME, I JUST WANT IT TO BE THE SAME *

* SHUT UP AND WE'LL BE FINE *

NICE TUX.

IT'S PURPLE.

IT'S PLUM.

YOU LOOK LIKE BARNEY.

OH, HEY, HOW ABOUT AN HORS D'OEUVRE?

LET'S DO PUNCH.

OK. COME ON.

[NEW SONG PLAYING]

WELL, LOOKS LIKE I'LL BE HANDING

THIS LOVELY THING OVER TO YOU FOR AWHILE.

GIVE HER A CHANCE TO MAKE A COMPARISON.

YOU KNOW, LET HER DECIDE WHAT'S MORE IMPORTANT: QUALITY OR QUANTITY.

RICK.

[PRINCIPAL OVER P.A.] CAN I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION, PLEASE?

WILL THE WINTER BALL KING AND QUEEN PLEASE COME BEHIND THE STAGE

TO ARRANGE FOR YOUR ENTRANCE?

WELL, I GUESS YOU TWO GUYS ARE ON, HUH? YOU'RE IN GOOD HANDS.

GOOD LUCK, ANGUS.

Singer: * WELL, I KNOW I'D BE A FOOL

* TO GO BACK TO YOU

* AND MANY TIMES, I'VE TRIED TO RUN AWAY *

* TOO VULNERABLE TO EVERY WORD YOU'VE SAID *

* IS IT SO HARD TO BELIEVE

* WHAT YOU DO TO ME

[SPITS]

AW, MAN. YOU'RE NASTY, MAN.

IT'S PUNCH.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

HERE ARE YOUR OFFICIAL CROWNS.

NOW, WHEN THE DEEJAY FINISHES THIS SONG, I'LL SAY A FEW WORDS.

THEN YOU'LL HAVE YOUR OFFICIAL WALK DOWN THE STEPS.

THEY'LL PLAY YOUR SONG, AND THAT'S WHEN YOU'LL HAVE YOUR DANCE.

ANGUS, WHY DON'T YOU PIN THAT ON MELISSA NOW?

Principal: SETTLE DOWN, PEOPLE. PLEASE SETTLE DOWN NOW.

THANK YOU...

I SWEAT WHENEVER I GET NERVOUS. DON'T YOU?

YEAH, WELL, YOU KNOW.

YEAH, WELL,

I GUESS IT'S EASIER 'CAUSE GUYS ARE SUPPOSED TO SWEAT.

OH, WELL, YOU KNOW.

Principal: I HAVE A SMALL LECTURE ON DANCE FLOOR SAFETY.

[SCATTERED BOOS]

Principal: NO, NO, REALLY!

AFTER THAT PRESENTATION THE OTHER DAY

WITH THE SENIOR DRAMA CLASS, I ACTUALLY SLIPPED--

IT'S JUST--

EVERYONE WILL BE STARING AT US.

Principal: ...OUT THERE. NOT GOOD.

BUT YOU MUST BE USED TO PEOPLE STARING AT YOU.

THE BIG MOMENT-- HERE IS THIS YEAR'S WINTER BALL...

KING AND QUEEN!

LET'S HEAR IT! HERE THEY ARE!

[CROWD CHEERING]

Principal: YOUR CROWNS. DON'T FORGET YOUR CROWNS.

Boy: AH, HELL. NICE TUX.

PLEASE DON'T TRIP.

DON'T TRIP, MELISSA. DON'T TRIP, MELISSA.

DON'T TRIP, MELISSA.

[ANGUS ON VIDEOTAPE] WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

[TROY ON VIDEOTAPE] TAPING THIS.

[ANGUS ON VIDEOTAPE] GET OUT OF HERE.

ANGUS, IT'S WHAT JOCKS DO...

SO THEY CAN SEE WHERE THEY'RE MAKING MISTAKES.

NO ONE SEES THE TAPE, AND YOU DON'T TELL YOUR MOTHER?

I DON'T TELL HER EVERYTHING.

LOOK UNDER HER SHIRT.

SHE'S ANATOMICALLY CORRECT.

HEY, A GIRL'S BOD IS A GIRL'S BOD.

Principal: YOU THERE...

THERE'S MORE TO GIRLS THAN JUST THEIR BODS, GEEK.

[TROY ON VIDEOTAPE] RIGHT. AND YOU GO NUTS FOR MELISSA

BECAUSE OF HER GRADES?

SHE'S BEAUTIFUL, OK? THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT HER.

IT'S HER BOD, BUD.

Principal: TURN IT OFF!

NO, TROY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS.

Principal: TURN IT OFF! TURN THAT OFF.

I GET THE WORST PAIN IN MY STOMACH WHENEVER I SEE HER.

YOU GET A BONER IN YOUR STOMACH?

Girl: ALL RIGHT, ANGUS!

ANGUS!

[LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE]

MELISSA.

ALL RIGHT, ANGUS!

WHOO!

[APPLAUSE]

WHOO!

ARE YOU GOING SOMEWHERE, RICK?

UH, YEAH. I NEED TO GET SOME FRESH AIR.

OH, YOU KNOW THE RULES. NO IN-OUT PRIVILEGES AT SCHOOL DANCES.

WHAT ABOUT THEM?

THEY'RE THE KING AND QUEEN.

I'M MAKING AN EXCEPTION FOR THEM.

[GIRL SNIFFLING]

MELISSA...

I WAS AN IDIOT.

I'M SORRY.

WHAT A JERK!

I'M REALLY SORRY.

NOT YOU, HIM.

DO YOU...

EVER GET TIRED OF WHO YOU ARE?

DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU'RE TALKING TO?

DO YOU WANT TO KNOW SOMETHING ABOUT ME?

I'D LIKE TO KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT YOU.

I'M BULIMIC.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS?

I'M A FAT KID.

YEAH, I KNOW WHAT THAT IS.

IT'S WHEN YOU EAT TOO MUCH

AND CHUCK IT UP SO YOU DON'T TURN OUT TO LOOK LIKE ME.

CLOSE ENOUGH.

ACTUALLY, I EVEN TRIED IT ONCE.

BUT WHEN I STUCK MY FINGER DOWN MY THROAT,

I WAS STILL HUNGRY AND I ALMOST ATE MY ARM.

[LAUGHS]

YOU'RE THE ONLY PERSON I'VE EVER TOLD.

ANGUS...

I THINK WE HAVE TO GO BACK INSIDE.

THEN I THINK I HAVE TO TELL YOU, I CAN'T DANCE.

WE'LL SURVIVE.

I DIDN'T SAY "I CAN'T DANCE WELL." I SAID, "I CAN'T DANCE."

MY LIMBS ARE LETHAL WEAPONS

'CAUSE PEOPLE HAVE BEEN BADLY HURT

TRYING TO DANCE WITH ME.

* EACH AND EVERY DAY

* EACH AND EVERY

* EACH AND EVERY...

[SONG FADES]

Principal: YOUR WINTER BALL KING AND QUEEN

WILL START THEIR DANCE NOW.

[NEW SONG PLAYING]

Singer: * I WANNA HOLD THE HAND INSIDE YOU *

* I WANNA TAKE A BREATH LIKE YOU *

DON'T WORRY. I PICKED A SLOW SONG.

WE WON'T HAVE TO MOVE MUCH.

* I LOOK TO YOU AND I SEE NOTHING *

ANGUS, RELAX.

* I LOOK TO YOU TO SEE THE TRUTH *

* YOU LIVE YOUR LIFE

* YOU GROW IN SHADOWS...

[GASPS]

I'M SORRY.

[CHUCKLES]

WAIT. WAIT. WAIT. STOP. TRY THIS.

LIKE, OK.

FORWARD, TOUCH, SIDE, TOGETHER.

BACK, TOUCH,

SIDE, TOGETHER.

* CLOSE YOUR EYES WITH WHAT'S NOT THERE *

DON'T CONCENTRATE, ANGUS.

* FADE INTO YOU

* STRANGE YOU NEVER KNEW

* FADE

* INTO YOU

Go for it, Angus.

* I THINK IT'S STRANGE YOU NEVER KNEW *

[CHEERING]

HEY. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

[NEW SONG PLAYING]

MELISSA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

RICK! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

LOOK AT THIS GUY! COME ON! JOKE'S OVER, MAN.

RICK, LEAVE ME ALONE! HEY!

WHAT, YOU GONNA DEFEND HER? GET A LIFE, BETHUNE!

Melissa: RICK! RICK, STOP IT!

I KEEP SAVING HER FOR YOU.

STOP! IT'S TIME I BROKE YOUR NOSE, ANGUS.

TAKE YOUR BEST SHOT, ASSHO--

COME ON, MAN. KEEP--

WELCOME TO HIGH SCHOOL, ANGUS.

[GROANS]

GOOD THING YOU'RE LEAVING.

I'M STILL HERE, ASSHOLE.

I'LL ALWAYS BE HERE!

YOU PUSH ME DOWN AND I'LL GET RIGHT BACK UP AGAIN, AGAIN,

AND AGAIN, AGAIN, AND AGAIN!

I COULD BEAT YOU RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW, BUT I DON'T WANT TO BE BETTER THAN YOU, RICK!

I DON'T WANT TO BE BETTER THAN ANYBODY!

I WANNA BE WHO I AM:

A FAT KID WHO'S GOOD AT SCIENCE AND FAIR AT FOOTBALL!

THAT'S WHO I AM! I CAN LIVE WITH IT. WHY CAN'T YOU?

BECAUSE IT'S NOT NORMAL! YOU'RE NOT NORMAL!

AND WHO IS? YOU?

YOU BET YOUR ASS.

AND SO WHAT, TO BE NORMAL, WE ALL HAVE TO BE LIKE YOU?

THERE ARE 400 PEOPLE IN THIS ROOM THAT ARE NOTHING LIKE YOU!

SOME OF THEM ARE FAT; SOME OF THEM ARE SKINNY; SOME OF THEM ARE TALL;

SOME OF THEM ARE SHORT.

SOME OF THEM HAVE BRACES; SOME OF THEM HAVE BIRTHMARKS

OR SCARS OR FRIZZY HAIR...

OR EARS THAT STICK OUT.

BUT MOST OF THEM PROBABLY WALK THROUGH THESE HALLS EVERY DAY...

NEVER TELLING ANYBODY THE TRUTH ABOUT WHAT THEY WANT OR NEED OR BELIEVE...

BECAUSE PEOPLE LIKE YOU, NORMAL PEOPLE LIKE YOU,

HAVE THEM TERRIFIED OF BEING WHO THEY ARE.

I MEAN, IF YOU'RE NORMAL, WHAT DOES THAT MAKE THEM?

SO, WHICH IS IT, RICK?

ARE YOU NORMAL...

OR ARE YOU JUST ONE OF US?

WHATEVER I AM, IT'S SOMETHING YOU'RE NEVER GONNA BE.

THANK GOD.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

[NEW SONG PLAYS]

* YOU GAVE YOUR LOVE TO ME SOFTLY... *

I WANNA DANCE ONE MORE.

OK, I'LL WAIT OVER BY THE TABLE.

NO! I WANNA DANCE IT WITH YOU.

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. I CAN'T--

SCREW 'EM, ANGUS. JUST DANCE.

* ON AND ON AND ON

* YOU GAVE YOUR LOVE TO ME SOFTLY *

* WHEN I'M FEELIN' BLUE AND LONELY *

* ALL I HAVE TO DO IS THINK OF YOU *

* WE HAD JUST ONE NIGHT, BUT IT LINGERS *

* ON AND ON AND ON...

YOU WANNA SPAZ OUT WITH ME ON THE DANCE FLOOR?

AND WATCH ALL THE DILDOS?

TROY, WE ARE THOSE DILDOS.

OK!

* "BABY, DON'T YOU CRY"

* "PUT YOUR ARMS AROUND ME NOW"... *

BUDS! OHH! OHH.

UM--YOU BROKE HIS NOSE, UM...

WEDBERG. TROY WEDBERG.

* YOU GAVE YOUR LOVE TO ME SOFTLY *

ANGUS!

WOULD YOU WALK ME HOME?

YOU MEAN TONIGHT, AFTER THE DANCE?

* ...STAY WITH ME TONIGHT

* LA LA LA LA LA LA...

Angus, voice-over: THE DANCE ENDED.

SCHOOL CLOSED FOR THE HOLIDAY.

RICK SANFORD GOT SUSPENDED FOR HIS LITTLE PRANK.

I GOT INTO JEFFERSON, BUT I DIDN'T GO.

I SAID, "SCREW 'EM."

I FINALLY KNEW WHAT IT FELT LIKE TO BE ON TOP OF THE WORLD.

I HAD HAD MY MOMENT.

AND THEN I HEARD MY GRANDFATHER'S VOICE SAY TO ME:

"NOW GO HAVE ANOTHER." MAYBE I WILL.

WHO KNOWS? MAYBE MELISSA LEFEVRE ACTUALLY LIKES ME.

ALL I KNOW IS,

I'M STILL HERE.

["J.A.R." BY GREEN DAY PLAYING]

* MY FRIEND DROVE OFF THE OTHER DAY *

* NOW HE'S GONE AND ALL THEY SAY *

* IS YOU GOT TO LIVE 'CAUSE LIFE GOES ON *

* AND NOW I SEE I'M MORTAL, TOO *

* I CAN'T LIVE MY LIFE LIKE YOU *

* GOT TO LIVE IT UP WHILE LIFE GOES ON *

* AND I THINK IT'S ALL RIGHT *

* THAT I DO WHAT I LIKE

* 'CAUSE THAT'S THE WAY I WANNA LIVE *

* IT'S HOW I GIVE

* AND I'M STILL GIVIN'

* AND NOW I WONDER 'BOUT MY FRIEND *

* IF HE GAVE ALL HE COULD GIVE *

* 'CAUSE HE LIVED HIS LIFE LIKE I LIVE MINE *

* IF YOU COULD SEE INSIDE MY HEAD *

* THEN YOU'D START TO UNDERSTAND *

* THE THINGS I VALUE IN MY HEART *

* AND I THINK IT'S ALL RIGHT *

* THAT I DO WHAT I LIKE

* 'CAUSE THAT'S THE WAY I WANNA LIVE *

* IT'S HOW I GIVE

* AND I'M STILL GIVIN'

* YOU KNOW THAT

* WELL, I KNOW THAT

* YOU'RE WATCHING ME

* WELL, I THINK IT'S ALL RIGHT *

* THAT I DO WHAT I LIKE

* 'CAUSE THAT'S THE WAY I WANNA LIVE *

* IT'S HOW I GIVE

* I'M STILL GIVIN'

* GOT TO MAKE A PLAN, GOT TO DO WHAT'S RIGHT *

* CAN'T RUN AROUND IN CIRCLES IF YOU WANNA BUILD A LIFE *

* BUT I DON'T WANNA MAKE A PLAN FOR A DAY FAR AWAY *

* WHILE I'M YOUNG AND WHILE I'M ABLE ALL I WANNA DO IS-- *

[MARCHING BAND PLAYING]

Troy: ANGUS!

Kessler: MR. BETHUNE.

Meg: ANGUS!

MR. BETHUNE.

Jody: ANGUS...BETHUNE?

Angus and Troy: ALL RIGHT!

Troy: ANGUS!

ANGUS!

ANGUS!

[DRUMS STOP]

HOLY SHIT!