Original subtitles

♪ [20th Century-Fox fanfare]

[20th Century-Fox fanfare]

♪ Grab your jacket, man your gun ♪

♪ All hands on deck ♪

♪ Battle stations, everyone ♪

♪ All hands on deck ♪

♪ Blow the whistle, pipe the pipes ♪

♪ All hands on deck ♪

♪ Yeoman, seamen, all the stripes ♪

♪ All hands on deck ♪

♪ 'Cause there's a ship-shape girl ♪

♪ Comin' toward us ♪

♪ She's a doll, she's a dream ♪

♪ She's a pip ♪

♪ And when she sets her high heels aboard us ♪

♪ We'll all be glad to give up the ship ♪

♪ Oh, the boson drops his comic book ♪

♪ He runs to check ♪

♪ The ensign trips and clips the cook ♪

♪ All hands on deck ♪

♪ CPO and gunner's mate ♪

♪ They're neck and neck ♪

♪ Everybody wants a date ♪

♪ All hands on deck ♪

♪ But, mister, I'll be the one ♪

♪ Who will kiss her ♪

♪ And it won't be a brotherly peck ♪

♪ So if you want to see how she goes for me ♪

♪ All hands on deck ♪

♪ She's a new destroyer type ♪

♪ All hands on deck ♪

♪ Every turret round and ripe ♪

♪ All hands on deck ♪

♪ Takes Marines and leads them ♪

♪ By their leatherneck ♪

♪ Taught the pilots how to fly ♪

♪ All hands on deck ♪

♪ But, mister, I'll be the one ♪

♪ Who will kiss her ♪

♪ And it won't be a brotherly peck ♪

♪ So if you want to see how she goes for me ♪

♪ All hands on deck ♪

Narrator: This is the Long Beach Navy Yard in California

on a sunny, smog-free day in late December.

The Long Beach Navy Yard is a gigantic, sprawling area

of... a highly confidential number of acres

where more than a... top secret number of ships,

totaling a... classified number of tons,

can tie up at one time.

This is the top-top-top secret story of a gallant ship

and a man.

The ship, the LST 1096,

now being refitted at the Long Beach Navy Yard.

The man, our intrepid Captain Brian O'Gara,

an ardent fisherman with two ambitions in life:

1, to retire without any black marks on his record,

and the other, to catch a real fish.

Yes, this is the story of the United States Navy,

the valiant men who manage ships,

and their fighting women.

But above all, this is a story of war:

a little known, unsung, unrecorded war

between the United States Navy

and the Chickasaw Nation.

Or, to be more exact,

a war between the United States Navy

and one member of the Chickasaw Nation:

Shrieking Eagle Garfield, one of our crew,

and the only full-blooded Chickasaw in the entire fleet.

[laughing]

That's some barbecue, huh, lady?

Ha ha!

[laughing]

Aah!

Uh, ko-so.

Narrator: That's Chickasaw.

[shrieking]

Shrieking Eagle always talks Chickasaw

when he's upset.

[speaking Chickasaw]

He thinks the Indians should win

once in a while.

[shouting in Chickasaw]

Holy smoke, Mulvaney,

we got to get Lieutenant Donald.

He understands Chickasaw.

That's me: Lieutenant Victor Donald,

executive officer of the LST 1096...

uh, better known as the USS St. Clair County.

♪ [charge]

[speaking Chickasaw]

[Woman screams]

[shouting in Chickasaw]

[howling]

Vic! Vic!

Mulvaney just called from a movie theater.

Shrieking Eagle's talking to the screen

in Chickasaw.

Oh, no,. Which theater?

Fox' Geronimo.

Let's go, Rudy. Hold on.

Wait, wait!

Sir.

Shrieking Eagle's on the warpath, sir.

Where is he?

He hacked his way into the loges

and disappeared, sir.

Let's go. One side, folks.

Excuse us. Coming through, please.

Why did this happen in my theater?

Oh, Lieutenant. Lieutenant.

You've got to stop him.

He's making a shambles of my theater.

Don't worry. He'll pay for everything.

An admiral couldn't pay for the damage he's doing.

Shrieking Eagle can.

He's the richest sailor in the Navy.

His tribe's got oil on their reservation.

Just a minute. Where do you think you're going?

Inside. Ah-ah. Nothing doing.

[Southern accent] Oh, well, I'm a reporter.

See, I just happened to be passing.

Sorry, but I can't have anybody's scalp on my conscience.

Outside, please.

Well, hang on to your scalps, fellas.

Garfield's really mad this time.

It's the Tokyo Music Hall all over again.

What's holding the theater together?

Chewing gum.

Garfield!

Garfield!

[speaking Chickasaw]

What are you telling him, Lieutenant?

Come out with his hands in the air.

[speaking Chickasaw]

[speaking Chickasaw]

[shouting]

[speaking Chickasaw]

What's that? Come down.

[speaking Chickasaw]

[speaking Chickasaw]

Ah, this is nutty.

Garfield, will you cut it out?

You can speak English as good as me.

Better.

[speaking Chickasaw]

What did he say?

Cowboys are a bunch of no-good basas.

What?

There's no English translation.

All right, Garfield, come on down,

or we'll come up and get you.

[speaking Chickasaw]

Now, look...

Garfield!

Shh.

[pop]

Now.

Hold him! He's tough!

All right, that's...

Need any help, Lieutenant?

Garfield?

Trick or treat!

It's a girl. Could you tell?

Not from where I'm sitting.

Off. Off.

I'm terribly sorry, Miss.

Lieutenant!

We thought you were an Indian.

Well, bless your little old pea-pickin' heart.

How!

Well, what were you doing back here?

I'm a reporter.

[whooping] Garfield.

Uh, sorry, Miss. Duty calls.

Excuse me! Sorry, lady.

[Women screaming]

Theater manager: No, no, no!

Lieutenant, he's trying to scalp me!

Aah! Lieutenant!

[shouting] Help! Help! Help!

$800 damage to CinemaScope screen from tomahawk.

800.

$1,980 damage to movie projector.

2 grand.

I just grabbed change from 2 grand.

Oh.

Anything else?

Uh, no, Admiral.

That completes the list.

That's $12,654.

You have my apologies for what happened,

and you have my word

that these men will be dealt with.

Oh, Admiral, the Navy has been more than fair.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Hey. Hmm?

What's playing next week?

The Return of the Paleface.

500 Indians get killed.

[shouting]

Captain O'Gara, it was your duty

to see that this poor Indian,

who is unfamiliar with the complexities

of our modern civilization

conducted his liberty in a peaceful manner.

Admiral Bintle, sir, the responsibility was all mine.

Captain O'Gara didn't know anything about it.

He was fishing. Fishing?

How delightful.

Catch anything, O'Gara?

Ahem. Nothing very much, sir.

An old tire, soggy lampshade,

and a brassiere.

The brassiere gave me a pretty tough fight.

They usually do.

[laughing]

You see, sir, I was just killing time.

Well, I mean I was waiting for a hop, sir,

to go to New Mexico...

uh, to be with my family at Christmas.

Oh, fine, fine.

Going off and leaving your ship

at the mercy of Sitting Bull.

[speaking Chickasaw]

What's that? What?

Uh, nothing, sir. Just Chickasaw.

[speaking Chickasaw]

Uh, Garfield won't be aboard, sir.

He's on leave. He's going back to Oklahoma

to spend time with his tribe.

[knock on door] Really?

Well?

Excuse me, Admiral.

You have ten minutes to catch your plane.

Oh. Thank you.

It's lucky for you two I'm due in San Diego

and I'm taking an inspection party

aboard an LST tomorrow.

On Christmas?

Christmas, 4th of July.

What difference does it make?

Surprise them, inspect them,

Catch them with their...

By the way, O'Gara,

when was the last time I inspected your ship?

Oh, my ship, sir?

Oh, no time at all.

Just about a year ago, sir,

before we sailed for Guam.

Oh. Yes.

Well, I'll be seeing you.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

[speaking Chickasaw]

Well, it may be a merry Christmas,

but I got a feeling that it's going to be

a very unhappy New Year.

Merry Christmas, Captain.

Merry Christmas to you.

Merry Christmas, Captain.

Thank you. Merry Christmas to you.

Merry Christmas, sir.

Merry Christmas, Dembrowski.

Merry Christmas to you all, men,

and thanks. Thanks again for the rod.

Uh, better be on your way, Captain.

Vic, I have a feeling I shouldn't go.

You haven't seen your wife and kids since April.

I know, but...

Shrieking Eagle's on his way to Oklahoma.

Are you sure? Positive.

I had the Shore Patrol phone me

the moment he stepped on the plane.

He could get off.

Nonstop. Still...

He hasn't got a parachute.

Yeah.

Yeah. Vic, I'm on my way.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas, Captain.

Have a good time.

Catch a lot of fish.

Oh, I'm... Excuse me.

Now that O'Gara 's gone,

that makes you acting skipper,

doesn't it, Vic?

Yeah. I suppose so.

Ah, that lucky O'Gara.

He'll be home tomorrow

with the wife and kids,

and we'll be stuck aboard.

Too bad, Vic,

you haven't got a wife and kids

to spend Christmas with,

isn't it, fellas, huh?

Yeah. Sure is.

Well, at least I sent Doris

a nice card.

Maybe next Christmas, huh?

Are you through?

As acting captain of this ship,

I'm responsible for morale...

everybody's, including my own.

Just the thought of one of you married slobs

spending Christmas aboard

is more than my morale can stand.

Now beat it, all of you.

Gee, thanks, Vic.

We didn't expect anything like this.

Hi, Gruber. Hi, Lieutenant.

I just checked your Christmas menu.

Sure you're going to have enough turkey?

Seven beautiful birds.

Yeah. What about the disposition of the drumsticks?

Got that all figured out.

Seven birds, 14 drumsticks.

By the way, Lieutenant, you having guests in the ward room?

No, no. I'll eat alone.

Oh. Well, then, here's how I'll divvy them up.

One for you, one for me,

three for the mess cooks,

and that leaves nine to be distributed

among the 40 men.

Sounds like a job for King Solomon.

How do you work it?

The numbers racket. Huh?

Yeah.

In the tomato soup are these croutons

with the lucky numbers baked inside.

The fellas eats the soup...

thus revealing the number therein,

which they call out.

This one's a blank.

The guys with the lucky numbers

get the drumsticks. How's it sound?

Messy, uh, but fair.

Carry on.

Lieutenant. Yes?

If you did decide to invite somebody

like, uh, maybe a member of the female sex,

might be able to squeeze out another drumstick.

Thanks Gruber. I'll eat alone.

Lieutenant. You didn't lose

your little black book, sir.

No, no. It's... Well, for Christmas,

there ought to be someone special.

There isn't.

[whistling]

♪ Somewhere, somewhere ♪

♪ Somewhere there's home ♪

♪ Windows with welcome lights ♪

♪ Warm arms on winter nights ♪

♪ Sunday papers ♪

♪ Log on the fire ♪

♪ And my beloved ♪

♪ To share each desire ♪

♪ When I find her ♪

♪ That's where I'll stay ♪

♪ Somewhere there's home ♪

♪ Somewhere there's home ♪

♪ And someone ♪

♪ To show the way ♪

[humming]

♪ Somewhere there's home ♪

♪ Somewhere there's home ♪

♪ And someone ♪

♪ To show the way ♪

Hello, there.

May I come aboard?

Mr. Donald?

We, uh, we have a visitor.

Yes, ma'am.

[wolf whistles]

Consider yourself piped aboard.

Thank you.

Hey, we've met.

Mm-hmm. During the recent Indian uprising.

Oh, I'm sorry about that.

Oh, I've forgotten about it.

You've forgotten something else, too.

Your Southern accent.

Oh, I just use that for emergencies,

like bus drivers.

Bus drivers?

Mm-hmm.

[Southern accent] Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Bus Driver,

but the smallest change I got

is this little old $10 bill.

Ha ha. Come on.

Well, what's the matter?

Yankees.

[laughing]

My press card.

"Miss Sally Hobson."

Sally. What a beautiful name.

I'm Victor Donald.

Victor Donald.

Ah, Victor, that's a beautiful name, too.

And now that we're even,

can we get to the reason for my visit?

Do we have to? I want to do a story...

About a lonely lieutenant on Christmas.

About the Navy's new secret weapon,

Shrieking Eagle.

May I speak to Mr. Garfield?

He's on leave.

Oh. Well, then may I speak with your captain?

He's on leave, too. Lieutenant,

I got a feeling y'all don't want to cooperate with me.

Oh, I'd love to cooperate with you.

Uh-huh. But not on this story.

Why not?

Frankly, it would be embarrassing to the Navy.

Well, if Garfield embarrasses the Navy,

why don't they discharge him?

They tried that once.

The entire Chickasaw Nation

immediately declared war on the United States.

Besides, the Bureau of Internal Revenue

keeps a sharp eye on Shrieking Eagle.

The Bureau of Internal Revenue?

His family pays enough income tax each year

to run 14 ships like this,

two aircraft carriers, and a submarine tender.

Well, there goes my big opportunity.

Garfield?

I didn't think he was your type.

Ha. Well, thanks anyway.

Hey, wait!

Miss Hobson.

I've got a better idea.

Why don't you write a story about an LST

and four lonesome guys stuck aboard at Christmas?

Well... Have you ever seen an LST?

No. Come on. I'll show you around.

This is the tank deck.

And this ladder leads back topside.

Uh, Miss Hobson.

Yes?

You'd better follow me.

Why?

Oh.

Attention!

About face.

First man who turns his head goes on report.

Follow me, Miss Hobson.

An LST's wheel house doesn't have a lot of fancy gadgets.

It's very interesting.

That's a gyro repeater.

Engine room telegraph.

The voice tube.

Hmm?

The voice tube.

Works this way.

What is this, a marble?

Sure is. You can't qualify for wheel house duty

till you learn how to shoot them. Honest.

See, this voice tube connects to the engine room

way down below.

Now, they can't always hear us when we call,

so you drop a marble down the tube

to attract their attention.

You're kidding.

Be my guest.

Maxwell!

You stupid lunkhead!

You do that once more, and I'll come up

and tear that tattoo off your chest.

You hear me, Maxwell?

Looks like we caught Jones napping.

Maxwell!

I ought to apologize.

Mr. Jones,

I can't tell y'all how sorry I am.

Maxwell?

[piping]

That's chow call. Means come and get it.

Oh. Well, goodbye.

Say, have you had Christmas dinner yet?

No. I got sidetracked coming after this story.

Actually, I should be home now.

Uh, where's home? Phoenix?

Mm-mm. Little Buzzard.

Little Buzzard?

Isn't that near Big Buzzard?

Have you been there?

No. Oh.

Just a lucky guess.

Well, I commute to Phoenix. it isn't too far.

Would you have dinner with me?

Well, I... It's your chance to taste our chow.

Please. For your story.

All right.

Wonderful.

[piping]

Chow call. Shall we go and get it?

This is the ward room.

It's very nice.

There'll be two for dinner, Kino.

Yes, sir.

Who selected the colors?

Carl Enright.

A bachelor, naturally.

What do you mean, naturally?

Well, you see, to us bachelors,

a ship is home.

We're interested in the color of the ward room

and curtains on the port holes.

When a brown bagger comes on board,

he does his work, and all he thinks about

is getting home to his wife and kids.

Brown bagger?

A married man.

Oh. He's called a brown bagger

because when he goes on leave,

he's usually carrying a little brown suitcase.

Oh.

If he's been on a long cruise,

it's filled with dirty laundry.

When he comes back from leave,

he's, uh, got clean laundry.

[Sally chuckles]

And a big satisfied smile on his face.

[chuckling]

[no audible dialogue]

Uh, shall we?

Hmm?

Uh, your purse?

Oh.

Your coat.

Well, what is this?

Mistletoe.

Parsley.

Parsley? Kino.

Parsley.

Parsley.

Soup's good.

Would have tasted like water

if you weren't here.

Oh, come now, Lieutenant.

Food doesn't taste very good

when you eat alone,

especially Christmas dinner.

I'm sure there was somebody you could have invited.

No one like you.

Excuse me, sir. The turkey.

Uh, our cook Gruber.

How do, Miss?

How do you do?

Everything all right, Miss?

Oh, yes. The soup's delicious.

Oh, it's a cinch to make.

You just take 30 gallons of milk,

22 pounds of tomatoes,

and then about a half a dozen...

That'll be all, Gruber.

Yes, sir.

Thank you, Miss.

Gruber's recipes are geared for 80 men.

I don't think they'd be any use to you.

Unless you're planning a large family.

Well, not quite that large.

[crunch]

Mm.

Excuse me. [cough]

What... This was in the crouton.

Number 7.

7? The lucky number. Huh?

Give the lucky little lady the drumstick.

Congratulations.

Sure you won't change your mind

and stay over in Long Beach?

Well, if I leave now,

I can drive to Little Buzzard

while it's still light.

Still a lot I wanted to tell you

about the ship.

Thanks. I had a wonderful time.

So did I.

It's the best Christmas I ever spent.

Well, that's funny. I feel that way, too.

Well, I guess I'd better be going.

I guess you'd better.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

[tires screech]

Uh, Miss...

Sally!

Sally! Sally, wait!

What's the matter?

Do you believe in love at first sight?

Love?

You mean you, me?

Uh-huh.

Well, you've only known me for a turkey dinner.

I know it. It's a feeling.

It could be indigestion.

Sally, this isn't the kind of thing you kid about.

No, it isn't.

I'm not kidding.

Well, it's... it's kind of sudden.

It happens to people all the time.

Are you sure it's love?

I got all the symptoms.

Look, I'll be in Little Buzzard

the day after New Year's.

We can talk about it then.

If the skipper isn't back,

I may not be able to get leave.

Oh, you can call and let me know.

I will.

Little Buzzard 2-9824.

2-9428.

2-9824.

2-0948.

Look it up.

[honk]

Please, you'll...

you'll wear out my battery.

[honking stops]

[laughing]

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

[horn blows]

Wrecking parties from engineering, sixth division...

lay up to the quarter deck on the double.

How, Chief!

Hey, Garfield, what have you got there?

It's an ostrich.

No, it ain't. It's an eagle.

Hey, Garfield, what are you going to do,

make a new war bonnet or something?

[Indian whooping]

[speaking Chickasaw]

Oh, no!

I thought you flew to Oklahoma.

Oh, no get to Oklahoma.

Plane make emergency landing in Albuquerque.

They put me off. Why?

Me open window. Pilot get mad.

He no like fresh air.

Who's your friend?

Me miss turkey dinner. Bring own.

Yeah. The fare from Albuquerque

is $265.35.

He can pay it, can't he?

Pay the man.

Three C notes. Keep change.

Oh, thanks.

Where'd he get all that wampum?

He owns the ship.

We smuggle in Japanese cameras.

Care to join up?

Sure.

Sure.

Wait a second.

Where are you going with that?

Uh, take him on ship.

Oh, no, you don't. Me hungry.

You can't take a live turkey on board.

Okay.

Hey, wait a second.

Okay. Take him on board and give him to Gruber.

[laughing]

No, sir. No, sir. No, sir.

I don't care if I'm court martialed.

I ain't going to do it.

All right. Okay.

I just thought, having been a cook so long,

you might have...

Never. When I get a turkey,

he's already been...

Well, we can't have a live turkey on board.

If you won't...

And I won't, sir.

Well, we're going to have to get rid of him somehow.

Garfield likes him.

He's been talking to him in Chickasaw.

He'd better not get too attached to him

because tonight I want you to lose him.

Garfield? The turkey.

But, Lieutenant...

I don't want to pull rank on you,

but it's either that or...

Yes, sir. I get the message.

You miserable...

bird.

[thump] Gruber: Ahh!

My dearest Sally,

It's only been two days since we met,

but in that short time, my whole life has changed.

I haven't been the same.

[turkey gobbles]

I keep...

seeing your face...

and hearing your sweet...

voice.

[gobbling]

[gobbling]

Gruber?

Gruber!

Gruber!

Yes, sir!

[gobbling]

Get him out.

Phoenix Independent.

Advertising, classified, or unclassified?

Thank you.

Happy New Year. Phoenix Independent.

Come in.

Hi, Nobby.

How's the advice to the lovelorn business?

Oh, it's jumping. I'm just answering

my New Year's Eve hangover mail.

People get drunk and wake up

with the darnedest problems.

There's only one G in "pregnant," isn't there?

Nobby, I need some advice, too.

Huh?

Oh, uh, nothing like that.

I just got a letter from Vic.

Oh, the lieutenant. What's he got to say?

Well, his captain's not back yet,

so he can't get leave.

But he wants to know if I'll marry him.

I don't know what to do.

Let me see that letter.

Uh-uh.

Before I became Lovelorn Editor,

I used to do a column on handwriting analysis.

Ohh. Mm.

Mm-hmm. He's handsome, attractive,

thoughtful, reliable. He'd make a fine husband.

Does it show all that?

Well, it would if I could read his writing.

Do you think he really wants to marry me?

Well, there's only one way to find out.

Say yes.

I would if I was sure I loved him.

In cases like this, I always recommend 63A.

What's that?

"Don't hurry. Give yourself time.

"It's better to be single and sad

than married and miserable."

I suppose so. I'll write to him.

Say. Huh?

Is "shotgun" one word or two?

Ohh.

S-H-O-T-G-U-N.

Right in the head.

"I haven't caught any fish yet,

but I've only been fishing six days."

Well, the Captain's record is still intact.

Well, I never thought he was...

Do you mind?

What's the matter with him?

He got a letter from you-know-who.

Then he should be flippin'.

She's been asking her friend,

that lovelorn editor, for advice.

They haven't been in love long enough to be lorn.

Oh, that's a gasser.

Hi. Well, the engine room is beginning to shape up.

Do you think it will be refitted

by the time the Captain gets back?

First something goes wrong... [horn honks]

[crash, shouting]

Shrieking Eagle!

You and your big mouth.

Come on, speak up.

Do you hear me? Say something.

Uh, something wrong, sir?

Something wrong?

He tore the front bumper right off my car.

Stow it.

I'm sorry, sir, but...

What? Why did he do it?

Me cross dock to get turkey food.

He honk at me.

What?

He doesn't like to be honked at, sir.

Oh, he doesn't like to be honked at, huh?

What's your name, sailor?

[speaking Chickasaw]

Billolavo? What's your first name?

He's speaking Chickasaw, sir.

Chicko-what?

Saw. It's an Indian language.

How am I supposed to know?

I'm not an Indian. Hmm.

No, sir, but he is.

Oh, he is, huh?

How come the cowboys haven't gotten him?

[speaking Chickasaw]

Oh, you shouldn't have said that, sir.

Don't tell me what I should have said.

I outrank everybody here. Now look here, you...

[speaking Chickasaw]

What's that?

It's a tomahawk, sir.

He carries it with him all the time.

Is he threatening me?

No, sir. But it would be a big help

if you'd apologize.

What?

Or say something nice about the Indians:

about their blankets or their beadwork.

It would be a nice gesture.

Now look here, Lieutenant,

I've had just about enough from you and Cochise.

Uh, Shrieking Eagle, sir.

Shrieking Eagle, huh?

Well, I want him plucked!

I want him court martialed for insubordination,

threatening an officer,

destroying government property,

and being out of uniform

with that silly-looking feather!

Where's your captain?

On leave, sir, fishing...

uh, fishing.

You mean to say he goes off

and leaves this maniac running around loose?

Well, I'll fix that.

Slam it, slam it! I'm mad!

Uh, good to see you back, Captain.

Didn't expect you back so soon.

Welcome back, Captain.

How was the leave, Captain?

The fish, gentlemen,

was this big.

It wasn't a very big fish...

but it was the only one I'd hooked

in eight days.

I was just reeling him in

when I heard a sound like the fluttering of wings,

and a voice was calling to me.

"Captain O'Gara."

At my age, when you hear a voice calling

and the sound of fluttering wings

coming to you from...

you don't take any chances.

You drop whatever you're doing

and pay attention.

So I let go.

And the fish took off upstream,

towing my rod and reel.

Then this joker landed in that eggbeater.

He had orders for me to return to my ship immediately.

Why?

Was there a national emergency?

No. Had Bintle ordered a surprise inspection?

Had the ship sunk?

It was because you nincompoops

couldn't take care of one lousy Indian.

The fish, gentlemen...

was that big.

Captain, I'm sorry...

[sigh] Mr. Donald, that's a big help.

I left you in charge here. Now what... [gobbling]

What is that?

It's a turkey, sir.

"It's a turkey, sir."

[whimpering]

Now, I know that this is a very silly question,

but how did he get on board? Did he enlist?

[laughing] Oh, no...

Ahem.

Garfield brought him aboard, sir.

He's become kind of a mascot.

He's been very good for morale.

Yes, sir. It gives Shrieking Eagle

somebody to talk to. [laughing]

Gentlemen, that captain was right.

I never should have gone off

and left a maniac like Shrieking Eagle

running around here loose.

But you can take my word for it,

he's not going to be running around loose anymore.

But, Captain, we can't keep him confined to the ship forever.

Mr. Donald, I didn't say that.

I just said he wasn't going to be running around loose.

Now, when something isn't loose,

that means it's attached to something, doesn't it?

Yes, sir. Well, I'm glad you understand

because if he's attached to you,

then he won't be loose.

Me? Yes, you.

I'm appointing him your aide.

From now on, Shrieking Eagle is attached to you permanently!

[gobbling]

And I'll see you for dinner.

[clucking]

Now, look, you don't have to follow me

everywhere I go.

Captain say stick. me stick.

Now look, blood brother, I...

Lieutenant, Lieutenant,

the Captain wants me to cook him for dinner,

and I ain't gonna do it. I ain't refusing.

I just ain't gonna do it.

Nobody going to eat Owasso.

Owasso?

Me name him Owasso.

Mean bird of big feather.

He my friend. Understand Chickasaw.

[speaking Chickasaw]

Nobody going to eat Owasso.

Well, I'm with you,

but what am I going to do?

You could give the Captain chicken.

Yeah. He wouldn't know the difference.

Then what do you do with Bird of Big Feather?

If the Captain sees him... Me hide him.

Nobody find Owasso.

Good. Come on.

Well? What's the matter?

Have orders to stick.

Look, carry on, Gruber.

Don't worry about me. Worry about Owasso.

Excuse me, Captain.

Certainly.

Will you excuse me, Captain?

This turkey's delicious. Tastes just like chicken.

What's the matter, Vic? Aren't you hungry?

Not very. Captain, about Shrieking Eagle...

Yeah?

Well, he follows me wherever I go.

I can't lose him.

Those were my orders.

By the way, where is he now?

Ohh. Good man.

Good turkey.

[gobbling]

[speaking Chickasaw]

I was a little sorry to confiscate his pal,

but I... [gobbling]

What was that?

Uh, Indians are great bird imitators, Captain.

[gobbling]

Yeah.

Uh, the other thing was now that you're back,

do you think I could have leave this weekend?

Sure.

Thanks, Captain.

Despite what you think, I'm not such a bad egg.

No, sir.

Where are you and Garfield going?

Well, I met a girl, and I...

You mean I have to take him with me?

Why, you're not leaving him on this ship.

But, Captain, while you were away,

I met this girl, and I...

Yeah?

I'm planning to marry her.

Congratulations.

Hope the three of you are gonna be very happy.

The three of us?

The fish was...

Do I make myself clear?

You make yourself clear.

Look, I already told you,

I'm just going to make a phone call.

This is the operator.

Hello, operator.

I want to make a call

to Little Buzzard, Arizona.

Little Buzzard 2-9824.

Little Buzzard 2-9824?

Yes, ma'am.

Deposit 75 cents, please.

How much?

75 cents, please.

Do you have any change?

No need change. Let me talk to lady.

Talk to the lady? What...

My uncle, Spindletop Garfield,

number 1 stockholder in whole company.

[phone rings]

[ring]

[ring]

Hello.

Hello, darling.

Who is this?

It's me... Vic.

Vic?

Ohh, I was asleep. I'm in bed.

Ohh, I can just see you.

Sally, will you please marry me?

Well, it isn't the kind of thing

you can discuss on the phone.

I got leave this weekend.

Ohh, good.

I'll meet you in Phoenix and drive you here.

Then I'll see you Friday.

I'll be there. Bye-bye.

Goodbye.

Garfield, you're looking at a heap happy guy.

♪ I got it great ♪

♪ I got it grand ♪

♪ I got it good, I got it made ♪

♪ I feel way out, love this layout ♪

♪ Everything looks as sweet as marmalade ♪

♪ I got it made ♪

♪ She's so special, and she says she'll ♪

♪ Listen to my romantic serenade ♪

♪ I got it made ♪

♪ I'll hold her very soon ♪

♪ I think we'll marry soon ♪

♪ Stars on the skyway ♪

♪ Are going my way ♪

♪ Take that break-off, now I'll take off ♪

♪ I'm gonna put that satellite brigade ♪

♪ In the shade ♪

♪ I got it great ♪

♪ I got it good, I got it made ♪

[drumbeat]

[drumbeat]

[drumming]

[drumming]

[Indian drumbeat]

♪ Like the brave Sioux chief ♪

♪ Says to his sweet Sue ♪

♪ Let's tiptoe to my teepee ♪

♪ And make some wigwam woo ♪

♪ Pack my bag up, run my flag up ♪

♪ Joinin' that dreamboat travel cavalcade ♪

Why?

♪ I got it made ♪

♪ Hurl my mizzen, her is his'n ♪

♪ Isn't she someone super duper suede? ♪

Who? Sally.

♪ I got it made ♪

♪ So to sum up ♪

♪ What could come up? ♪

♪ Nothing but laughs and love and lemonade ♪

♪ In the shade ♪

♪ I got it great ♪

♪ I got it grand ♪

What's it saying?

It says like I said. It says...

♪ I got it great, I got it grand ♪

♪ I got it good ♪

I get it. Like I like Owasso.

Like you like Owasso.

♪ I got it great ♪

♪ I got it made ♪

Hey!

[shouting]

Good night.

[shouting in Chickasaw]

Mmm!

Remember you're just borrowing my brown bag.

You're not entitled

to any of the official privileges

that go with it.

You can have your socks darned

and your laundry done,

but don't come back here with a smug look.

Hey, I got the duty.

Good luck with proposing, Vic.

Thanks, Gaillard. Same goes for me.

So long, Rudy.

Here.

Captain almost found him in the engine room.

What am I supposed to do with him?

What do you usually do with a turkey?

Stuff him.

Well, bye. Hey!

[gobbling]

[knock on door]

Who is it?

[Shrieking Eagle] I, I.

Garfield, come in. Come in.

Owasso. Oh!

Here. Take him.

The Captain almost found him.

You know what'll happen if he does.

Oh, Captain no eat Owasso.

Here.

[bottles clanking]

[speaking Chickasaw]

You I take with me.

You're not taking any turkey on my leave.

He no go, I no go.

I no go, Captain no let you go.

That's blackmail.

Uh-huh. We learn from white man.

[speaking Chickasaw]

You come with us.

Here. Hold bag, please.

[speaking Chickasaw]

[gobbling]

[gobbling]

[speaking Chickasaw]

Mr. Donald.

I just wanted to make sure

that your aide was with you.

Oh, yes, sir. He's right with me.

Hold it!

Hold it, Mr. Donald.

Just what is in the sea bag?

Oh, nothing. Nothing.

Come on, Garfield.

See you Monday morning, Captain.

Monday morning, Captain.

[gobbling]

Garfield,

what is in that sea bag?

Owasso.

O-what-so? I mean, what?

I mean open it up!

Aye, aye, Captain.

Oh, you spoiled the surprise, Captain.

You know you enjoyed your last turkey so much

that Garfield thought, well,

we were going to take him into town

and have him dressed and gift wrapped.

Eat hearty, Captain.

Well, now, thanks.

Thanks a lot, fellas.

That's... Yeah, that's darn nice of you.

Nice plump bird.

[speaking Chickasaw]

[speaking Chickasaw]

Have fun, men. Gruber!

[gobbling]

Hey, Gruber! Look what I've got.

Come on.

[gobbling]

Okay, Vic, now's your chance!

Go on, go on.

[horn blows]

Sally, will you marry me?

63 miles from the bus station,

and that is your 63rd proposal.

This must be one of those new economy cars:

one proposal to the mile.

What do you say?

I have to think it over.

After all, we're practically strangers.

Let's get married and change all that.

We'll have the whole weekend

to get to know each other better.

Sally. Darling.

[honk]

Miss Sally.

Uh, what is it, María?

Telephone call for the Lieutenant.

Oh, thank you.

For me? The only one who knows I'm here is...

Well, you go ahead and get it.

Telephone's on the table, Lieutenant.

Thank you.

Hello. Lieutenant Donald here.

Vic, this is Rudy Rush.

Uh, Vic, I hate to tell you this,

but the Captain just cancelled your leave.

Why? Garfield trouble.

He came back on board to rescue the turkey.

He wrecked the galley and two of the mess cooks.

The Captain threw him in the brig.

Well, he's safe in the brig.

No, he isn't. He escaped.

What?

Just long enough to call his uncle,

the Chief of the Chickasaws,

uh, who called the Commissioner of Indian Affairs

who called the Bureau of Internal Revenue.

I don't know who they called, but 20 minutes later,

two full admirals showed up.

Two full... Two admirals?

They went into the skipper's cabin,

and when they came out, O'Gara announced

that the ship had a new mascot.

[laughing]

Uh, you better get right back here.

But, Rudy...

Uh, to quote the Captain,

tell that lard head to take a plane back.

Now, look, Rush...

That's what the man said.

[sigh] Okay.

Everything all right?

Great, great. It's been a nice weekend.

My leave's been cancelled.

Oh, Vic.

That Shrieking Eagle again.

I just get here,

now I get to take a nice drive back.

What's going on here?

Something new has been added.

We're shoving off tomorrow at 0800

for sea trials,

and if everything checks out all right,

we continue on to the Aleutians.

We're dropping all these vehicles

in the Bremerton Yard in Washington

and picking up a weather station.

Holy smoke.

The LST that was supposed to do the job

broke down... one of the main engines.

We'll even bypass the usual inspection.

Any idea how long we'll be?

The Captain says about three months.

Hey, where are you going?

To call Sally.

The Captain left orders that you report

as soon as you came on board.

I'm not on board yet.

Now look Vic. Yeah, but the Captain...

The Captain's married, you're married,

Schuyler, everybody. Why can't I get married?

What good would it do to call her?

Maybe I can convince her.

You can't convince a girl

of anything in a phone booth,

unless she's in there with you.

You know something? You're probably right.

But I'm going to try anyway.

Good luck.

Number, please.

Operator, I want long distance.

Little Buzzard, Arizona.

[phone rings]

[ring]

All right. All right already.

[ring]

Hello.

Hello. Sally?

Oh. Hello, Lieutenant.

Just a minute.

Sally!

For you-hoo.

Who is it?

Lieutenant Hornblower!

He must have just got there!

Close your eyes, Lieutenant.

Hello?

Thank you.

Should have made this call person-to-person.

Hello.

Hello?

Sally?

Vic, anything wrong?

I'm sailing for the Aleutians.

The Aleutians? When?

Tomorrow morning.

Look, I got to talk to you.

You got to come here.

You mean right now?

Sally, darling, I love you.

If you care anything at all about me,

you'll jump in the car, and you'll come right here.

We're shoving off at 0800.

We'll be gone for three months.

[stammering]

Just a second.

Nobby. Hmm?

Vic's sailing tomorrow morning.

He wants me to drive to Long Beach

to see him before he leaves.

He'll be gone three months.

The Aleutians? That's Eskimo country.

What will I do?

Isn't it the Eskimos

that have the neighborly custom

if they like you, they lend you their wives?

I'm leaving now. Bye.

Hey, I wonder if they work the same deal with husbands.

Ohh!

I wonder.

Garfield, will you get my bag and gloves?

I left them in the phone booth on the pier.

I'm going to see the Captain.

What is that?

I've got the turkey watch, sir.

The turkey watch?

Yes, sir.

[gobbling]

Seen the Captain?

He's topside.

Well, I suppose you've heard

about the two admirals.

The two turkey-loving admirals.

Secretary of Defense suggested they pay our ship a visit

to look at our mascot.

They commended Garfield

for contributing to the ship's morale.

I'm sorry about that, sir.

Oh, Vic, don't you understand?

I'm depending on you.

My whole career's at stake.

Now, for Pete's sakes,

don't let Garfield get into any more trouble.

He won't, sir.

Captain... Captain O'Gara,

you better get down on the dock.

Garfield's mixed up with a tank.

What could he possibly do to a tank?

Come on, Garfield.

He didn't mean to honk at you.

He didn't mean to honk at you.

What is it? What are you doing?

What are you, nuts or something?

He didn't mean it. Come on.

Why don't you get a job at a car wash?

Garfield, he didn't mean it.

What a kook.

He didn't mean to honk at you.

Garfield!

All right, let's shove off.

Aye, aye, sir.

♪

Make all preparations to get underway.

Make all readiness reports

to the officer of the deck on the bridge.

Captain, all departments report

ready for getting underway.

Cast off the bow.

Cast off the bow.

Captain, Vic is still on the pier.

I'm sorry I'm late. I had a flat.

I love you. Will you marry me?

Well, I... I just got here.

Please.

Mr. Donald.

Mr. Donald, will you get on board?

Aye, aye, sir.

Tow the aft lines.

Hey! Slow down. Where are we going?

We're sailing. Will you marry me?

Mr. Donald, will you get on board?

Cast off that bow!

Sally, please marry me, huh?

Sorry, sir.

Don't go away. Stay right there.

Up!

Will you marry me?

All engines back one third.

All engines back one third.

All engines back one third.

Will you marry me?

Well, we have to talk it over.

Sally, there's nothing to talk over.

Just say yes.

Well, this is ridiculous.

Sailor: Come on, sister, marry the guy.

Go ahead, he's a nice Joe.

Sally, please.

Go on, Sally, be a good sport.

Marry him!

This isn't fair!

Will you marry me?

Please.

Sally, say you'll marry me.

Oh, this is awful!

Sally, say you'll marry me!

Three months!

You got to give me an answer now!

Okay, I'll marry you!

What?

She said she'll marry you!

We're gonna be married!

We're gonna be married!

Mr. Donald, I'm already married.

[gobbling]

[gobbling]

Oh, no.

Shoo!

You must have some idea of the day we get back, sir.

I told you, Mr. Donald...

[gobbling] Oh, sh-shoo.

Will you go away, please?

Do I smell like a female turkey?

No, sir. How come he keeps

following me around all the time?

I don't know when we'll be back.

I got this radio message from Sally.

She wants to set the wedding date.

We'll be at sea for three months...

Cut that out.

That makes it April.

What day in April?

How do I know what day in April?

Ohh...

Might even be May.

I wish you'd leave me alone.

Captain...

I don't like the way he keeps looking at me.

It just isn't normal.

There he goes again.

Oh. I got a fish.

[gobbling]

I got a fish.

Ooh, it's a dandy.

Ha ha! Ha ha!

Heh heh heh...

No, no! No! No, no, no! Stay back!

Stay back! Don't...

I've got a... Ohh!

[gobbling]

Oh, Captain, I'm sorry.

The fish was this...

Oh, what's the use?

What happened on the island?

Nothing, sir. We searched the whole island.

No live female turkey.

Ohh!

Mr. Donald, we got to get him a broad.

He's driving me crazy.

Shoo, shoo.

Captain, please.

I heard from Sally again.

We've got to have an exact date

before we reach the Aleutians.

Mr. Donald, I'll make a deal with you.

If you solve my problem, I'll solve yours.

Find him a mate, I'll give you a date.

Yes, sir. Find him a mate,

you'll give me a date.

[gobbling] Ohh!

Go away.

[whistling "Blow the Man Down"]

Yeah. Too small.

[splash]

Full speed a fish...

ahead!

Lieutenant! Lieutenant! Take Owasso! Take Owasso!

I want to show you something.

Look!

Garfield! You did it!

Take Owasso. I'll get the Captain.

Come on, Owasso. Come on. Come on.

Captain!

Captain!

Captain!

What did we hit?

Nothing, sir. Come on.

I've got to show you something.

There you are, Captain.

I think that solves your problem.

♪ Owasso ♪

♪ Owasso ♪

♪ Owasso ♪

♪ Owasso ♪

♪ Owasso ♪

It's the best we could do.

After all, we're at sea.

♪ Loves me, loves me, oh, so tender ♪

♪ Owasso ♪

♪ Owasso ♪

♪ Owasso ♪

♪ Owasso ♪ [sea gull cries]

♪ Owasso ♪

♪ Owasso ♪

April 28th.

28th, huh?

Hmm. Sounds like a lucky date

for a wedding, doesn't it?

For me, any date would be lucky.

Oh, the ink's still wet.

They just came off the press.

As soon as I got Vic's radiogram,

I had the printer run them off.

Hmm.

Here, let me help you.

No more doubts?

Oh, not one.

Nobby, I'm sure it's right.

Then it is.

But there are a million details.

In a way, I'm sorry

it's going to be such a big wedding.

Maybe Vic and I should have a nice quiet little affair.

Well, it's okay with me. I'm broad-minded.

You nut.

Men, this is the Captain speaking.

We're getting near the Aleutians.

Now, I issued an order

for each man to draw a suit of long johns

from the storekeeper.

Some of you guys haven't done it yet.

I want you to draw your long johns today,

put 'em on, and keep 'em on.

Of course, I expect you

to change them once in a while.

♪ Owasso, Owasso ♪

♪ Owasso ♪

♪ Owasso, Owasso ♪

♪ Loves me, loves me, oh, so tender ♪

♪ Loves me tender ♪

♪ Loves me true ♪

♪ Owa, Owasso ♪

♪ Ahh ♪

♪ Owasso, Owasso ♪

♪ Hmm ♪

This is my going away outfit. Do you like it?

Ah. Well, it'll look better

with a little rice on it.

[chuckling]

So Vic's on his way back, huh?

Mm-hmm. His last letter said

they were leaving the Aleutians the next day,

and that was four days ago.

Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah.

Oh, what's this?

Then why bother to put it on?

You don't... You don't think it's too...

What difference does it make?

You'll be married by then.

Hey, do you think Vic's worrying about his trousseau?

Très, très chic.

[French accent] Put them in your brown bag.

You can wear them on your honeymoon.

Ah, cut it out, Rush.

They'll make a very interesting

conversation piece if you plan

on doing any talking.

Knock it off clown.

You know, you're real funny today.

Now hear this. This is the Captain speaking.

I want all officers to lay up to the ward room

on the double. I repeat, on the double!

What do you think it is?

Sounds like a real emergency.

Hurry!

I haven't heard the Captain's voice

that high since the last...

Bintle.

Admiral Bintle?

Admiral Bintle.

Oh, come on!

Hold on!

Come on!

Gentlemen, I will read you a message

that I have just received from the...

...force commander.

"Since you were permitted to delay normal inspection

"following your recent overhaul,

"am scheduling confined administrative

"and operational readiness inspection

"two days following your return.

"Expect radical improvement

over your poor performance last inspection."

Captain, my wedding's the 28th.

Now, we've got just ten days

to do a job that should take two months.

This ship's got to be gone over

from stem to stern:

engine room, wheel house, tank deck.

All the files have to be brought up to date.

Captain, may I make a suggestion?

I've already considered suicide.

Uh, Captain, why don't we get out

Admiral Bintle's last inspection report

and make sure we don't make the same mistakes again?

Well, Mr. Rush, that's a very good idea.

You're the executive officer. Why didn't you think of that?

All I can think about is whether

I'm going to get to my wedding on time.

Mr. Donald,

if we pass this inspection, you may.

If we don't, nobody will leave this ship ever.

Dismissed.

Mr. Donald! Yes, sir?

[groaning]

Hey, why'd you take it apart?

Captain's orders.

I'm supposed to overhaul it completely

and put in all new parts for the inspection.

Got to get this message off to Sally.

When will it be working again?

Two days. What?

Two hours. I fix.

But this isn't the only transmitter.

What about the others?

Garfield took them apart.

I'm using some of the parts on this one.

That's great. What if we hit an iceberg

and the ship starts sinking?

Gee, Lieutenant,

do you think we'll be that lucky?

Hurry.

How's it going? Okay.

All right, how's your oil can?

My what? Your oil can.

last time, Admiral Bintle said

there was a squeak in your oil can.

Okay? Yeah.

Yeah, but don't take any chances.

Oil it.

Jones, oil my oil can.

What?

My oil can!

Sorry, Jones.

Lieutenant... You heard what the Captain said.

It's got to be clean enough to eat off of.

"Gun 44."

Bintle found a big white spot

on the barrel of this one.

Had a bad break there, sir.

Two minutes before Bintle inspected it,

a nervous sea gull flew over it.

Well, put a cover on it.

And don't fire it, even if we're attacked.

Well, what's that mess?

A nest, sir.

Well, get rid of it.

We can't. There's an egg in it.

A what?

An egg.

Who laid that there?

Not me, sir.

You mean... You mean to say that they...

that this... Impossible.

Downright unbiological.

That's what I said, too, sir.

The turkey just seemed to laugh at me.

Well, lose it. Lose it.

What is the matter with you?

This just came 20 minutes ago.

Go ahead, read it.

Hmm. "Arriving 25th.

"Ship undergoing inspection.

"Cannot get leave until 28th.

"I will be there if I have to desert.

Do not start ceremony without me."

Ha.

"I love you. Vic."

He's going to miss our wedding.

My dress. The people are invited.

The minister.

I'm going to look like a fool.

[whimper] Relax.

I'll figure out something.

Where do you keep the booze?

Right fore rudder.

Starboard engine back 2/3.

All engines stop.

Double up all lines.

Double up all lines.

Brig your brow.

Brig your brow.

Tell Mr. Donald to secure his engines.

Okay. Secure main engines.

Captain. Mr. Donald,

we've got just two days to go over the ship again,

so let's get to work.

Captain, just one phone call.

You heard my orders, mister.

But if you would care to go ashore...

[horn blows]

You enjoying my shave?

Huh.

Why don't you run along and have one of your own?

Indian no shave. No have hair on face.

Hmm. Like a squaw, huh?

Squaw havem hair on face.

Shavem twice a day.

You know, Sunday I'm getting married,

and you and I will have to part company,

old buddy. Hmm.

Why don't you run along, find a girl of your own,

and get married?

I am member of Chickasaw Nation,

and I say without reservation

when a Chickasaw buck takem squaw,

he always takem Chickasaw.

'Cause the slickest chick you ever saw

is a quick, slick, slick, quick Chickasaw squaw.

Say that again?

I am a member of the Chick...

Rudy: Bintle's coming!

Bintle's coming!

Admiral Bintle's coming!

Bintle's coming in ten minutes.

He's due tomorrow.

A friend of the Captain tipped us off.

It's a surprise inspection.

Whites. You got to wear whites.

In ten minutes! Wear white gloves!

Ten minutes? Get your whites on, Garfield.

Come on!

Ten minutes.

All hands.

Admiral Bintle in ten minutes.

[voice breaking] Whites!

Ahem. [Deep voice] Whites.

All right, who's got my jumper?

Whites in April.

[muttering]

Don't take Garfield jumper.

Sorry.

Don't take Garfield jumper.

Why?

"I owe you one white glove. Schuyler."

Oh, that cruddy...

One white sock.

Silk sock. White sock?

Yes. That'll do it. White sock.

Get 'em in, Kino.

What about your whites, Kino?

Holy smokes!

Give me those buttons.

All right. I'll get them.

I'll never get them.

You better hurry. Bintle's coming.

Yeah. Schulyer, your pants.

Your shoes! Huh?

Oh, brother.

Hey, you guys, you better hurry.

Are you kidding?

[muffled shouts]

That's why no take Garfield jumper.

[piping]

is that the correct call?

Welcome aboard, Admiral.

[muttering]

Make a note on the side boys, Anthony.

Yes, sir.

Well, if you gentlemen

would, uh, step into the ward room,

we have some fresh coffee brewed.

It's right this way, sir.

I know the way, Captain.

If you remember,

this isn't the first time I've been aboard.

The ward room, gentlemen.

Didn't we have the right number of side boys

for an admiral? I'll check.

I've got the book in my stateroom.

Dismiss your division.

Aye, aye, sir.

Sally?

[laughing]

What are you doing?

Your radio message.

How'd you get on board? In my stateroom?

Oh, Shrieking Eagle.

Oh. Under cover.

Sally, you got to get out of here.

But I just... Admiral Bintle's here.

He... The inspection's starting.

Uh, d-don't come in.

But Captain wants you in the ward room, sir.

Uh, yeah, yeah. I'll be right there.

I don't think you're glad to see me.

Sally, I'm not. Well, in that case, I can...

You're gonna stay right here. Somebody's gonna see you.

Oh, no, thank you. If I'm not wanted, I can...

Sally, wait a minute.

We're gonna be married Sunday.

Are we? Well, sure.

The Captain's blowing his stack, sir.

Yeah, yeah, right there.

Sally, if you love me, stay right here.

Don't move a muscle. My whole career's at stake.

But...

I love you, Sally. Please stay right here.

Make a note of that, Mr. Anthony.

Yes, sir.

Well, I think it's too bad

when the executive officer doesn't bother

to come to the ward room to meet the senior inspector.

Now here's the dirty s...

Uh, he's here now, sir.

Sorry I'm, uh, late, sir.

Uh, sorry... sir.

Thank... Thank you. Thank you, Kino.

I have already introduced the members of my party.

Yes, sir.

And now, gentlemen, you ready?

Just a second, Admiral.

What's the matter?

Lipstick.

Bintle: Lipstick?

Is that your cup, Mr. Donald?

Yes, sir.

O'Gara, when was the last time

this man had a psychiatric examination?

I don't know, sir.

Aren't you interested

in what goes on in your ship?

Oh, yes, sir.

Make a note of that, Mr. Anthony.

Yes, sir. And let's get this show on the road.

After you, sir.

Gentlemen.

Captain.

Captain, I've got to talk to you.

Bintle: Mr. Donald.

Mr. Donald, I'm waiting.

Mr. Anthony, to the ship's office with Mr. Donald.

Yes, sir. Captain...

Follow me, Mr. Donald.

Mr. Donald, I don't find Bureau of Navigation Order

number 62-45 subdivision 39.

I guess it was rescinded, sir.

That issue was ordered in 1847,

and it's still in effect.

All vessels shall immediately carry spare whale oil

for their running lights.

That's another little black mark, Mr. Donald.

Vic, Vic, I just opened in your stateroom,

and I found a bro... ha ha ha... a bro...

[laughing]

Sir.

What's wrong with him?

Nothing, sir. He's, uh, he's an ensign.

This is his first time under fire.

First time under fire.

That's another one.

And just what is this supposed to be?

Why, it looks like a fishing pole, sir.

Mr. O'Gara, this happens to be a ship of the United States Navy,

not a fishing smack.

Yes, sir.

A strike. I've got a strike.

Oh, now, this is where skill comes in.

Man's mastery over fish.

Captain O'Gara...

Get your hands off this rod.

I've got a fish.

A real live fish.

Yeah.

Look at that beauty.

Ohh. Oh, how I've waited for you.

How I've waited...

Mmph.

Mmm...

Would the Admiral like to inspect the wheel house?

[clatter]

What are you shouting for?

Well, I was just wondering, sir.

if you'd like to inspect the wheel house!

Yes.

Mr. O'Gara.

Here. Let me steady you.

I'm terribly sorry, sir.

Yes, well... well, you see,

our... our voice tube doesn't work very well, sir,

so, when we want to contact the engine room

and get their attention, we just...

throw marbles in that.

[gulp]

Now, may I see your abandoned ship bill, please?

How's everything going, Mr. Anthony?

[chuckling]

Well, now I'd like to inspect the officers' quarters.

Uh, officers' quarters?

Yes, yes. The things I find in an officer's quarters

usually tell me a great deal about the man.

Eh, uh, abandoned ship drill.

Abandoned ship bill. Gangway, sir.

I got to get my abandoned ship bill. What?

My stateroom. My abandoned ship bill.

[whispering] There's a girl in my stateroom.

Mmm!

What's the matter?

Nothing. Nothing at all, sir.

It's just that Mr. Donald has got to get

that abandoned ship bill out of his stateroom.

Well, come on.

Oh, Admiral, uh, sir, I, uh...

Have... Have you noticed the paint on the ship, sir?

Paint? Yes.

It's, uh... It's, uh... two-toned.

Two-toned?

O'Gara, are you trying to stall?

Stall? Oh, no, sir. Why would I do that, sir?

That's what I want to know.

Now I want to see the officers' quarters.

Come on.

Oh, Vic... Come on.

W-What is this?

Who was that?

Lieutenant Donald.

Good. Good.

Mmm!

Mr. Donald, may I ask what you're doing?

I... I'm looking.

yes, he's looking for the abandoned ship bill.

Uh, you keep looking, Lieutenant.

Get down.

Yes, sir, but, you see...

Down. Yes, sir.

May I ask what that is doing here?

Well, uh, as you can see, sir,

it's a trash can.

It's a can we use to keep trash in.

Really? Yes, sir.

You'd be surprised

how the trash piles up here, sir.

Oh, you don't... you don't want to look in there, sir.

Why not?

Well, you know, it's full of dirty trash.

Well, I appreciate your concern.

However...

Empty.

Yes, sir.

That is another black mark, O'Gara.

Yes, sir. I mean, yes, sir.

Make a note of that, Mr. Anthony.

Yes, sir.

One yellow trash can

in Mr. Donald's stateroom.

Shall we?

Oh, after you, sir.

[mouthing]

I don't see why... Shh.

Garfield, hide Sally.

Gruber say hide Owasso.

I'll do it.

Sally, I love you.

I love you.

[gobbling]

[gobbling]

And just what is that doing aboard?

It's the, uh, ship's mascot, sir.

Thought you'd like to meet him.

Ship's mascot?

Oh, it's been cleared, sir,

by two admirals from Washington.

Hmm. Mr. Anthony, check on that.

Yes, sir.

Ohh.

Uh, on his ID card, his name is Owasso.

Now listen, you guy...

Carry on.

This turned on?

Yes, sir.

What are you sterilizing?

Uh, nothing, sir.

Then why is it turned on?

Uh, there's something in there, sir.

What?

An egg, sir.

An egg?

And where do you sterilize your instruments?

In a little Dutch oven in the galley?

No, sir.

What is an egg doing

in the sterilizer in the sick bay?

We use it as an incubator, sir.

You see, sir,

we've got this turkey and this pelican.

Are you trying to tell me

that this egg is the result of a...

Yes, sir.

What do you expect to get from this union?

A...

A pelikey?

Another black mark, doctor.

Admiral, wouldn't you like to...

Oh, come on, O'Gara.

Yes, sir.

Is there another way out of here?

Yes, Miss. Right through that door.

Oh, thank you.

Don't you think I should warn the men, sir?

Oh, no, no. That's the whole idea of this fire drill.

You're marked on how long it takes

for the smoke to be discovered

and how rapidly the man discovering it

takes action to extinguish the fire.

Yes, sir. Where can I light this?

Right in here, sir.

Uh, fresh paint. Oh.

Uh, the, uh, the officers' showers, sir.

I think that it'd be much better for it.

Oh, good. There you are, sir.

Yes, allow me.

Thank you.

Mmm!

Psst! Psst!

Captain, there's a fire in the officers' shower!

I know. Oh.

You are overcome by smoke.

You're a casualty. Lie down.

Yes, sir.

I've got a message for you, Captain.

You see a fire, man.

Aren't you going to do anything about it?

I'll get someone for you, sir.

I'm new around here.

This whole ship could be on fire by now.

You see a fire here. It's an emergency.

What are you going to do?

Captain O'Gara,

what kind of a hell ship are you running?

And the flag of the Sovereign State of Cambodia

missing from the flag locker.

Not a very impressive record, is it, gentlemen?

And this brings us to the abandon ship drill.

We're all ready for the drill, sir.

Seems like a complete waste of time.

However...

If you don't mind, Captain,

we have a few preparations to make,

if you know what I mean.

Yes, sir.

What does he mean?

He means that he's going to hide somebody.

Then he'll pass along the word to abandon ship,

and we have to find out who's missing.

The catch is that Admiral Bintle times us with a stop watch

to see how long it takes.

All-Navy record is five minutes.

15 minutes is satisfactory.

What happens if we go over?

Well, you can all kiss my LST goodbye.

You stay in there, Miss Sally.

How long?

Till after inspection.

I tell Lieutenant Donald.

Shh! Somebody come!

Good morning, sir.

Come with me, sailor.

Your name?

Mulvaney, sir.

Make a note of that.

All right, Mulvaney, inside.

Yes, sir.

Close the door.

Yes, sir.

Captain. Where is she?

I don't know. I can't find her.

Find who?

Mr. Donald has a girl in his stateroom.

A girl? Disgusting, isn't it?

And just two days before he's getting married.

Captain, it's the girl I'm going to marry.

Then she's as bad as you are.

Mr. Donald, if Admiral Bintle...

Captain, the Admiral says for you to get your...

to report to the wheel house immediately.

He's ready to abandon ship.

Who isn't? Yes, sir.

Has Mr. O'Gara been notified, Mr. Anthony?

Yes, sir. Oh.

Yes, sir?

All set, Mr. Anthony?

Yes, sir.

O'Gara, you're underway

500 miles south of Long Beach.

You've just been rammed amid ships by a tuna boat.

Abandon ship.

All hands prepare to abandon ship.

All hands prepare to abandon ship.

[alarm blares]

Hudson. Yo!

Cohen. Ho!

Gruber. Yo!

[speaking Chickasaw]

Mulvaney's missing, sir.

What?

Th-Th-The watch, the watch!

Oh.

18 seconds?

That's impossible.

Mr. Donald, get the man out of the crane.

18 seconds. I don't believe it.

Okay, come on out, Mulvaney.

Do you hear me? Come on out.

Come on out of there.

Sir?

Mulvaney?

Yeah.

Come on out of there.

Ohh!

Ahem. Dismissed, Mulvaney.

Yes, sir.

Mr. Donald, get that sailor out of there.

Yes, sir.

A girl!

Oh, I can prove it.

Wait.

Well, Captain O'Gara,

I suppose you can explain this.

Yes, sir. Uh...

Admiral, sir, Captain O'Gara had nothing to do with this.

You see, this young lady is...

Is a reporter with the Phoenix Independent.

I don't care if you're with Pravda.

O'Gara, I'm going to see to it...

[Southern accent] Admiral,

I wonder if y'all know our owner and publisher,

Senator Luther Osborne.

Naval Appropriations Osborne?

Why, yes.

I do believe Uncle Luther's chairman of that committee

Uncle Luther?

Has anybody got a little ol' bitty

piece of paper and pencil?

I'd like to make a few notes.

Captain, how much would y'all say it costs

to run this here ship for one day?

I don't know.

I'm sure it's quite a packet.

Oh, it is, Miss.

And it took us ten extra days

to get ready for the Admiral's inspection.

Really?

Admiral, how do y'all spell your name?

[Southern accent] My name?

[normal voice] My name?

I want to make sure it's correct for my story.

Ten times a packet of money

is a cotton-pickin' packet of money,

isn't it, Admiral?

I, uh...

Dear Uncle Luther...

uh, Senator Osborne,

is such an old crank about wasting the taxpayers' money.

[stammering]

I suppose his committee would have the power

to do away with these here inspections.

Oh, I hope not, Miss.

The Admiral would lose his job.

Why, just for calling this a dirty old ship?

Oh, I did not call this a dirty old ship.

Miss, these inspections are important.

A ship must be kept in first class condition,

ready for any contingency.

Oh, I understand.

But why do you have to be so all-powerful stinkin' mean?

Oh, I'm not, believe me.

Yes, I... I only act stinking mean

so that it'll keep the men on their toes.

But, Admiral, our report...

Oh, will you shut up?

Oh, may I, Commander?

To make a few notes,

just in case I might have to write my story.

[groan]

Dismiss your men, Captain.

Yes, sir.

Secure from quarters.

Aye, aye, sir.

Leave your quarters.

Come along, Anthony.

I'll escort you to the gangway, sir.

Oh, you don't have to.

It's my pleasure.

Sally, you never told me

Senator Osborne was your uncle.

Oh, Senator Osborne's Uncle Luther

to everybody on the paper.

No wonder I love you.

[whistling]

Come on.

Where are we going?

Where we can have some privacy.

Allow me, sir.

Sally.

Sally, I love you.

Oh, Lieutenant.

Ohh, Vic, don't be so impetuous.

I can't help it.

Ohh, you sailors.

Vic, please.

[giggling]

[sigh] Oh, Vic...

You've been at sea a long time, haven't you?

[laughing]

Sally, let's get married today.

Oh, what about all our plans?

I've got other plans.

[giggling] Suppose somebody comes in.

Vic, your hands are cold.

[squeals]

Somebody get Garfield.

What's up, doc?

On the double!

Vic: You're wonderful.

[Sally giggles]

♪ Touch my hand again ♪

♪ Whisper love again ♪

♪ In this whole wide world ♪

♪ There's no one like you ♪

♪ No one smiles like you ♪

♪ No one sighs like you ♪

♪ Just imagine me ♪

♪ So close to a prize like you ♪

♪ Kiss me sweet again ♪

♪ Lips that meet again ♪

♪ Promise magic moments ♪

♪ I never knew ♪

♪ My life was so routine ♪

♪ Then you came on the scene ♪

♪ And now I know ♪

♪ For me there's no one ♪

♪ No one ♪

♪ Like you ♪

Shrieking Eagle: Lieutenant!

Lieutenant!

Owasso!

[speaking Chickasaw]

[speaking Chickasaw]

Owasso!

Really? Uh-huh.

[chatter]

How about that?

[speaking Chickasaw]

Sally.

[whimpering]