All language subtitles for AH Presents S2 E5 None are so blind

Good evening.

The entertainment industry is
always crying for new faces.

I've decided to give them one.

Not that there's anything
wrong with the old one.

In fact, I think
it's rather good.

Well, it could have been
worse. What if I had cracked?

See, here's the one.

I've always wanted
to be someone else.

That won't do.

I look like
a near-sighted hearth rug.

By an odd coincidence,

we have a story about a man

who decided to be someone
other than himself.

And by an equally
odd coincidence,

it is rehearsed
and ready to start.

Here it is.

I suppose you could say it
began that Easter Sunday.

I was spending the weekend at my Aunt
Muriel's house in Norwich, Connecticut.

A place I was forced to spend
many weekends.

Not that I found my aunt's company
particularly congenial, far from it.

But the food was fair and even
she didn't have the effrontery

to charge me for my visits.

Not that she wasn't capable
of doing even that.

As a matter of fact,

nothing my aunt did
would be too surprising.

But that weekend,
she went too far.

Even for a person
as good-natured as myself.

Can't you see my problem?

The shop is
a veritable gold mine.

But when you work with objets
d'art, you have to begin slowly.

I don't think we'd better discuss
the antique shop anymore, Seymour.

I simply cannot let you have
any more money.

Well, I know it's true. I wasn't
cut out to be a businessman,

but the shop is different.

Now, it might interest you
to know...

I'll tell you what
it would interest me to know.

Just what you think you are
cut out for, Seymour.

You don't understand.

I should have lived
in the Renaissance.

Or some other period

when refinement and culture
and taste

really meant something.

I doubt if there was ever
a period in history

when men could enjoy
those things without money.

Well, if it comes to that...

If dear Papa hadn't left all the
money to you instead of to me,

I would have money.

Your father was a
very sensible man, Seymour.

He felt he must force you to
make your own way for a while.

He thought it might put some
sense into your head about money.

It's a pity Father didn't have any
understanding of what I'm really like.

Oh, you're wrong, Seymour.

Really you are.

Perception and sensitivity don't seem
to run on your side of the family.

He couldn't help it
any more than you can.

Ordinarily I'm a fairly
good-natured person, Seymour,

but I find it impossible to spend
any time with you and remain that way.

Is it possible

that you're suffering
from a feeling of guilt?

You mean guilt
about the money? No.

I'm only grateful
you live in the city

and aren't around to
embarrass me all the time.

Why should I embarrass anyone?

Oh, Seymour...

Your affectations.

Don't you see how people around
here laugh at you all the time?

What people?

I never see them, much less
care what they think.

The only way I could
possibly survive

in this so-called
civilization

is not to see
anything unpleasant.

Just to pretend

it doesn't exist.

Oh, I give up.

Don't tell me you're running
out of good advice.

No. Out of patience.

I thought that was something that you
and Father had an inexhaustible supply of.

No one could have enough patience
to put up with you, Seymour.

Because of all the vain, silly,
egotistical, unattractive...

Unattractive?

Of course, everyone has
a right to his own opinion,

but unfortunately
you're in the minority.

I'm going upstairs.

Seymour.

Do you realize that when
you're in a room with a person,

you not only get into a position where
you can admire yourself in a mirror,

but where the person with you can
only see what you call your best angle?

It is my best angle.

Oh, stop it.

I never heard such nonsense
in my life.

Good heavens. This sort of
thing is bad enough in a woman,

but in a man, it's...

Well, it's embarrassing.

At your age, do you think it's wise
to get yourself upset like that?

It might not be good
for your health.

Don't worry about my health,
Seymour.

Though I have no doubt you've
given a good deal of thought to it.

Oh, why shouldn't I
be concerned?

After all, you are my aunt.

Don't waste your time worrying
about my health, Seymour.

I know you can't wait to
get your hands on the money.

My dear Aunt Muriel, that
is almost a vulgar remark.

A little vulgarity in your nature
would be a very healthy thing.

That's beside the point
at the moment.

Oh, there's never been
any secret of the fact

that the money is yours
when I die.

But I wouldn't waste my time if I
were you, Seymour, waiting for it.

It may take a long time.

You might just as well
make up your mind.

If you want any more money,
you've got to go to work.

What about my shop?

Your shop is just an excuse
not to work.

I'll thank you not to make derogatory
remarks about that shop, Aunt Muriel.

Will you or will you not
give me that money?

No. Not one cent.

Not one cent of the money
do you get while I'm alive.

I didn't answer her.
I simply smiled.

Obviously, there would
have been no point

in prolonging the discussion
with her any further.

For while I had no intention
of descending to her level

and bickering about anything
as sordid as money,

it was at that moment
I made up my mind.

Now, there was no alternative.

I would simply have to
murder my aunt.

I moved slowly,

discarding plan after plan
as unworthy,

until one day
when I was eating,

certainly not enjoying
my meager lunch,

it happened.

It was a wallet.

A wallet obviously dropped
by someone else.

My first thought was
it might contain money.

Shocking comment on the position
my aunt had placed me in.

However, it contained
only a driver's license.

But after
my first disappointment,

I realized suddenly

that fate had placed
the solution in my hands.

As I looked down
at the license,

the whole plan came to me.

Complete and perfect
in every detail.

Seymour, why on earth
did you drag me down here

in the middle
of the afternoon?

And why are you
closing the shop at this hour?

I want to talk to you.

I don't wish
to be disturbed.

If you mean by a customer, I
don't think there's much danger.

If I wasn't in such
a good humor today,

I might be a little annoyed
by your attitude.

I'm terrified.

I'm also getting
extremely impatient.

What's so special
about this afternoon?

Don't tell me your aunt
had the decency to die.

Not quite.

Let me ask you something,
Liza.

Have you ever been presented

with a large complex idea,

complete down
to the last detail?

I wouldn't know.
Ideas aren't my specialty.

Like leisurely unwrapping
a large Christmas parcel

full of the most
wonderful surprises.

I've almost forgotten
what that's like.

I've been going with you
for so long now, Seymour.

That's unworthy
of you, Liza.

You've always known that even if things
are a little tight now, as soon as...

As soon as your aunt dies,
it will all be different.

The only trouble is by the
time she does, if she ever does,

we'll both be so old
it won't matter.

I never worry about age.

I have the kind
of bone structure that lasts.

Well, I haven't.

I want my share
of the cake now.

That's right. You don't have
that kind of bone structure.

For your information, I've about
decided not to sit around here any longer

admiring your bone structure.

There's no point in both of us
doing the same thing.

There's an edge to your voice,
Liza, that means you want to quarrel.

You know how
I abhor quarreling.

Then suppose you stop talking in circles
and tell me what this is all about.

Let me ask you
one more question.

What, in your opinion,

is the most important thing
in the world?

Money.
I'm serious.

All right. I'll play.

What is the most
important thing?

It's not money.

It's not taste or personality,

or distinctive features.

It's a passport.

A what?
A passport.

An official document.

A social security card.
A driver's license.

In other words,
an identification.

Because it is only
by an official identification

that we really exist.

I don't get it.
Sit down.

Liza, do you know
what that is?

A driver's license.

Correct. A California driver's
license in the name of Antonio Bertani.

I found it quite by accident
at lunchtime.

Pity it wasn't a $100 bill.

It's worth a great deal
more than that.

With this license,
I can create a person.

A person who will do exactly

what I require of him.

Would it interest you to know that I
have no idea what you're talking about?

How can you be so stupid?

My dear Liza,

don't you understand
that with this license,

anybody can become
Mr. Bertani?

He can buy a car
and register it in his name.

He can rent a house in some little
town, let's say, in New Jersey...

Now, wait a minute.

I want to be sure
I've got this all straight.

You're going to hire someone
to impersonate this Bertani.

Bertani.

My dear Liza, it is not
a question of impersonation.

I shall create

a fictitious person
by the name of Bertani,

who will do anything
I want him to do,

including the all-important
last act.

My aunt's demise.

And who, if I may be so bold,
is going to play the part?

I am.

You?

Me.

Liza, why are you laughing?

I can't help it.
It's too funny.

I fail to see any humor
in this situation whatsoever.

I don't doubt it, Seymour.

Humor was never
your strong point.

Honestly,
I can't take it seriously.

I can't do anything but laugh.

As a matter of fact,
at this moment,

I can't think of anyone in the
world who's safer than your aunt.

I had no intention of allowing
her attitude to stop me.

The only effect it had

is that I made a mental note
that at my convenience,

Liza, too, would have to go.

Meanwhile, I wasted no time
putting my plan in operation.

I purchased those items
necessary for my disguise.

The actual creation
of the good Senor Bertani

was extremely simple.

I had only to use
my purchases skillfully.

I was no longer
Seymour Johnston,

but Antonio Bertani.

Mr. Bertani?
Yes?

I'm your neighbor, Mrs...
What do you want?

I'm soliciting funds
for our new church organ...

I don't give
to any churches.

Oh, I'm sorry. And what's more,
I don't like to be bothered.

You can tell that
to your friends.

Well, really... And don't
let that happen again.

I had no doubt as to how she
would describe Senor Bertani

when the police
finally traced him there.

I made the same impression
on other neighbors

during the weekends I spent in that
ghastly little apartment during the summer.

Then with this last purchase
in Bertani's name,

I was ready.

The plan was complete
but for the final act.

The murder of my aunt.

I was full of satisfaction as I arrived
on the grounds of my aunt's estate

in the car I had purchased
in the good Bertani's name.

Or should I perhaps
call him the bad Bertani?

There's something
very satisfying

about drawing to the end

of an extremely complicated
and delicate operation.

I hid the car in the bushes a
short distance from the house.

And since my plan called for it
to be found there by the police,

I made certain the wheels were
deeply embedded in the soft earth.

Then I walked the rest
of the way to the house.

The evening went as usual

with an endless lecture
of my failings.

In a way, I was glad of this,

for it reaffirmed the rightness
of what she was forcing me to do.

What are you looking at me
like that for, Seymour?

I was just thinking how nice
you look this evening.

I see.

You sound unconvinced.

I am.

As a matter of fact, everything
you've done this evening

has been very unconvincing.

You've been more peculiar
than usual.

And here, I thought I'd been
particularly charming.

You have been trying to be.

Trying?

Yes.

You're the most exasperating
woman I've ever known.

I don't know
why I put up with you.

It's the other way around,
isn't it?

This is my house, Seymour.

I am the one
putting up with you.

Yes, it is your house.
Temporarily.

Yes, temporarily.

Oh, it's silly of me
to play this game with you.

What game?

I know perfectly well
what's wrong with you tonight.

I don't know
what you're talking about.

Don't you think I know that it was
you who sent me that silly letter?

Letter? What letter?

The letter
threatening my life,

unless I pay $10,000
by the first of the month

to some man by the name of
Antonio Bertani.

No one else in the world would
think of anything so childish.

My dear Aunt Muriel,

if you've received a letter
threatening your life,

don't you think you ought
to go to the police about it?

The police?

Of course.

If your life is in danger,
shouldn't the police know about it?

So that's what you wanted.

You wanted me to take it
to the police.

Well, no, I didn't...

Oh, Seymour,
it isn't possible.

Don't tell me
you were planning to kill me

and then have it blamed on some
fictitious character that you invented.

You find that amusing?

Oh, it's wrong of me
to laugh, I know.

It's so silly and childish
and typical of you.

What have you done
with the letter?

What have you done
with it?

I put it in the wastepaper basket.
What else would I do with it?

Now, what are you doing?

Shut the desk drawer.

This has gone far enough.

That's right. So it has.

You're right.
I did send that letter.

And I did want you
to turn it in to the police.

But it'll be just as well if
they find it in that drawer.

It will serve as a motive.

You don't have to worry about
paying up by the first of the month.

Don't worry.
You won't be overdue.

Now put that thing down,
Seymour, you might hurt yourself.

Dear Aunt Muriel,

always so concerned
with other people's welfare.

What was that noise?

I don't know, sir. That's
what I came to find out.

It sounded like a shot.

Well, that's impossible. It
must have been a car backfiring.

Perhaps we better look.

Good heavens.

Oh, sir.

Poor Mrs. Drummond.

How could
such a thing happen?

There's a man out there.

Don't worry. I'll get him.

It all worked beautifully
just as I had planned.

But then, of course, if you're
intelligent to plan well,

it always works out.

I started the motor
even though I knew the car

was deeply embedded
in the soft ground.

And then as I left the gun
in the car,

my work was done.

I had nothing else to do
but return to the house,

call the police and act the
part of the bereaved nephew.

I'm so ashamed, Inspector. I mean,
to think I had so little courage.

You mean you could
have caught him?

Well, I don't know about that. I
heard a sound at the gate and I...

Well, frankly, I was frightened.
You see, I remembered he had a gun.

I was simply afraid.

What happened then?

Well, I waited at the gate
for a while

and then I heard a car
start up back in the woods.

I went toward it,
not very fast, I'm afraid.

Well, did you get a look
at the car as it came out?

It didn't come out.

What do you mean it didn't?
It's not still there?

Well, yes. I heard someone
starting the...

Never mind. Tell me the
rest on the way. Come on.

When we returned to the house, the
detective found the letter in the desk

and seemed dissatisfied not only
with it, but also with everything.

He was that kind of person.

An unnaturally suspicious,
pleasureless soul

who depressed me
even to talk to.

However,
although it wasn't necessary,

I decided it would be
a nice touch to win him.

Didn't your aunt ever tell you she
was receiving this sort of thing?

Why, never.
I don't understand it.

We were so close.

She never had
any secrets from me.

Well, as far as that goes, I
knew your aunt pretty well myself.

I would have thought
she'd told me.

That's so strange.

Why should anybody
want to blackmail Aunt Muriel?

I mean,
she had nothing to hide.

Well, I imagine
we'll find the answer to that

when we've traced the car
and the gun.

Well, I imagine that won't
be too difficult for you.

I suppose you're very
experienced at that kind of thing.

It's my job.

Oh, good morning, Inspector.

Have you found out anything?

We've traced the car,
Mr. Johnston.

Then, you've traced
the murderer?

Have you arrested him?

Well, not yet. But I think
we're pretty close.

Of course, he wasn't at home
when we paid him a visit.

His name was Bertani.

Have you ever heard
that name, Mr. Johnston?

Bertani? Bertani.

Isn't that the name of the man who wrote
my aunt that letter threatening her life?

I wondered if you'd remember.

In any case, we found that
he lived over in New Jersey.

The people there thought
that he was hiding out.

Well, he certainly won't go back there.
Didn't they give you a description of him?

Oh, yes, we got a description.
A very complete description.

Well, then, you shouldn't have
any difficulty in picking him up.

We don't expect to.

Why are you staring at me?

Because I can't believe it.

I'm looking right at you
and I can't believe it.

Mr. Johnston.

I think I told you that your
aunt and I were very good friends.

She used to talk to me
a good deal about you.

I wouldn't pay any attention
to anything she might have said.

Tell me.

Why is it that when
you're talking to someone,

you always keep your
right profile turned away?

I wasn't aware of it.
I didn't...

Just a minute.

I remember that once she told me
that when anything annoyed you,

you simply pretended
that it wasn't there.

She said you were able
to do it

so that you never really saw
anything you didn't want to see.

Well, what's so dreadful
about that?

There's nothing dreadful
about it.

It's just a little difficult
when you want to disguise yourself

and you've managed to convince
yourself that something isn't there.

So you don't bother
to disguise that.

Particularly something
as conspicuous

as that birthmark of yours.

Poor Seymour.

It couldn't have happened
to a more deserving person.

I've decided not
to be someone else after all.

If I won't be myself,
who will?

However, allow me to indulge
my exhibitionist tendencies

with this quick-change
demonstration.

The Alfred Hitchcock of today.

The Alfred Hitchcock
of 30 years ago.

The secret of this
transformation is rather simple.

I just removed my wallet.

And now,
I shall remove myself.

But soon, I shall return
with another story.

Good night.