Original subtitles

Okay, standing by.

Ready one, take one.

WSEX presents the area's top news team. Ron Reynolds with the news.

Brian Kilgore with sports.

Kendall Saransky with your right on target weather.

Good evening and welcome to the 6 o'clock news.

The White House today announced that... Where the heck is Saransky? Where's

Kilgore? Doesn't anybody work around here anymore?

The annual charity telethon held at WFDX Studios promises to be a big success.

And it's just in.

The Mad Bomber has struck again, this time at the local Mega Mall.

Reports say that no one was hurt, and what authorities say was a soap bomb

placed in the atrium fountain.

Just who is the so-called Mad Bomber?

Mischievous madman? A fool?

Why has he chosen seemingly harmless targets? A used car lot after hours, the

foyer of an abandoned movie house, and now the atrium of a local mega mall.

Harmless? Well, police say that his bombs are getting more destructive and

his targets closer to home.

I myself have shopped at the mega mall and think there is nothing funny about

planting a thug bomb in the atrium fountain.

Where he strikes negative.

could be a real danger to the community.

Come on, do it.

Do what?

The thing you say you do.

The thing I showed you, the shouting thing.

You know, the lusty little string of swear words, you know, I need to hear,

you know.

Oh, Tony, baby.

You screw me, you start laughing, stuff like that.

You're doing pretty good on your own. No, no, no, but I need you to say it.

Sure, my question is...

Mad

Bomber, I implore you to stop this madness.

So I ask you, Mr. Mad Bomber, turn yourself in at once.

We can help you.

Coming up next on the 6 o'clock news, sports with Brian Kilgore, right after

these words.

Come on.

That's the best I can do on such short notice.

Short notice? What do you mean by that?

Yikes. It's almost time for your sports segment.

Yikes is right. I gotta go.

Go, baby.

Very funny.

So call now to reserve your place at Frank Friendly's next weekend seminar,

because Frank thinks you deserve to be happy, too.

And I'm Brian Kilgore with all your sports.

is brought to you by Frank Friendly's Positive Power Handbook and by Frank

Friendly's Positive Power Seminars featuring his three little words.

Good evening. The local heroes are idle tonight, but team owner Harlan Flemstone

says there's going to be a shake-up in the front office.

Two minutes till airtime, Mr. Ransky. Here's your copy. We're on a break.

You'd think I was crazy if I told you that all your problems and anxieties

could be alleviated.

Three little words.

Three little words. The keys to a happy and successful future.

With my positive power seminar.

To order your own copy of Frank Finley's best-selling positive power handbook,

just call 1-800-01-FRANK.

And now the weather.

But Kendall Saransky still isn't here? Cue the graphic.

The weather, it's all around us.

We talk about it, but we can do little about it.

And it's that irony that causes great consternation for this reporter.

And to explain this quandary further, here's Kendall Saransky with a five-day

forecast.

Kendall's five-day forecast is sponsored by Frank Friendly.

Button up your overcoats, folks, because it's going to be cold for the next five

days.

Wait or not, she's worth the wait.

My great lineup of goodies.

Pouties like a pace.

Tits like bumper darts on a 55 Cadillac.

Legs that could wrap around Pluto and back.

I was just about to take that job in Toledo when this vision from the planet

Eros beamed on board.

Weekend showers and lows in the 30s can be expected.

Look at the cozy couple.

You never guessed they'd stab each other in the back in a second to move up

another rung in the corporate ladder.

Bam 7 Tyler could make or break their careers.

The Mad Lover.

Facts or fiction?

There are some who believe this random planting of incendiary... Incendiary.

It's a simple word. She always gets it wrong. She ruins my coffee every time.

Amen.

Don't blow things out of proportion.

Yeah, no reason to blow to bat it.

There's nothing sophomoric about putting lives in peril. I think he's a coward

craving attention.

The lowest form of criminal. The faceless, the nameless kind.

Getting kicks, just kicks from frightening others.

I think he's a psycho, Kendall, pure and simple.

Then is it a responsible thing for us to do, given the attention he desires with

a program like this?

What sort of a question is that?

The bomber is the hottest story in town. Of course we should be paying attention

to it.

Good point.

Look at her.

She thinks you just put on a pair of glasses and you become Camille Pellier.

Please, not such a close shot.

Did you see her hair?

Who did that for her, Judy Bird?

Good thing she's wearing a raincoat. Did you see that dress she's wearing?

Did we?

Where'd she get that?

Did she?

local business leaders, including our own station manager, Mr. Buell, are

preparing to offer a cash reward for the capture and conviction of the mad

bomber. She sounds all stuffed up, all nasally, like a telephone operator or

something.

Am I the only one that knows this stuff?

As associate producer, it's my job. Attention to detail, people.

So the question has to be posed. Is there really a bomber?

Or are these just simply a string of copycat crimes?

They better not be. The station's made a mint of the Mad Bomber. News ratings are

up, so are ad revenues.

Great. Twice as many frank-friendly spots.

Hey, three little words make me mad.

Those three little words have kept us all up the unemployment line.

I got it.

Say, Kendo, it was really great working with you. We had this chemistry, this

interplay.

I'm sure Buell will go for it.

It's really one of the better pilots we've shot this year.

Thanks, Brian.

I really hope it went well.

I'd like to be seen as more than just a weather girl around here.

Oh, you are.

You are.

Uh, Kendall, why don't we adjourn to my dressing room?

We'll discuss further development of the project.

Sure, Brian. Please take over this coffee.

All right.

Ooh, so hot.

Are you ready for the call, then?

The what?

It's what the crew call Brian's dressing room. Many are called, but few are

chosen. Who are you?

Called or chosen.

Well? Well, I have had the calling, but the chosen part has eluded me. Brian,

he's a tough guy to figure out what he likes, dislikes. Well, I can really care

less. I want to keep my relationship strictly professional between Brian and

I.

Come on, he's handsome, he's successful, and he's extremely influential with the

station brass. He would be a very good guy to get close to.

Hey, how did I do on the show today?

Oh, you were terrific.

And my hair? It was wonderful.

I felt a little bit stuffed up. I feel a cold coming on. Oh, you were as clear as

a bell.

Oh. And when you post the show, can you edit out that part where I stumbled over

a incendiary device?

Hmm, I heard the notice.

You've been really up on this bomber stuff.

I have my theories.

Here, it's your turn, ma'am. I plan to.

It's Mr. View.

Right after I meet Brian.

Hmm.

It's hard to tell amid such placid surroundings, but this was the scene of

the mad bomber's latest appearance.

A local shopping mall. A mall you or I would visit on a regular basis.

His target, the Atrium Fountain, where he set off a bomb laced with industrial

strength detergent.

There were suds and tears all over this latest tragedy.

I gotta roll that back again. What a cornball.

Suds and tears? Give me a break.

This whole bomber thing is getting way out of hand.

You think so? Sure.

And the guy hasn't hurt anyone.

It's just a bunch of bikes.

There might not be any bomber at all.

Don't let anyone at the station hear you say that.

I'm serious.

The bomber means a lot to all of us. The dipshit's like Brian.

Just gives him a chance to stretch out of sports for a while.

He stretches already.

I thought we were having a moment.

Well, you thought wrong, Brian.

I'm not that kind of girl.

It's not a good path, anyway.

Listen, I shop too, Bucko. And if you're out there, I'm going to get you. I want

this guy, Kendall.

Well, you and quite a few others, Brian.

Ooh, what a big man.

Don't you think that took courage to challenge the bomber that way?

Brian, courage?

The only courageous thing Kilgore ever does is shave with a straight razor.

Well, I think Brian has guts. And I have no need to pry into his personal life.

He's a spineless fool.

Just ask any of the girls he's been out with.

Cindy Zimito in accounting said that Kilgore was deathly afraid of spiders.

And so are a lot of people. Who, paper mache ones at the office Halloween

party?

So, he has his quirks.

I'll say.

Do you know he's asked about every woman on the set?

Almost every woman.

And he's never satisfied.

What does he want, a guy like that?

I heard from Gigi Ross, one of the interns, that Brian begged her to tie

him up with his necktie. I knew that guy was a pervert.

A lot of the other girls said the same thing.

One said he even had a field telephone in his bedroom.

Really? Sure, he gets laid so much that he's bored.

He needs more and more excitement.

I like to take things like this from the desk.

Little tiny babies.

Like Mother Maya.

That game we played as children.

How intriguing.

All those orders.

All those commands.

You know, we did a series on dominant and submissive personalities during

February. I did the research.

You know what they say about a guy like Brian?

Once he gets into it, he can't stop.

He becomes dependent on his dominatrix.

Better be forth to do her bidding.

One, two, three, red light.

Freeze tag.

Yes. Damn.

Now that's something I like to get on camera.

Old Brian Kilgore on all fours.

Acting like a dog.

That would be one hot item at this station.

Someone could definitely use it to their advantage.

And a tape like that?

It could be sort of a career insurance.

So it's true what I've heard about you.

What's that?

That you're predatory.

Like a shark.

Always looking for your end.

Anywhere I can find it.

Oh, John, I have a run.

You know, I like playing games.

Take off those socks.

Can you get us a camera from News Crew?

Well, that would depend on what it was for.

Good reason.

Here's the number one.

I'd buy that.

Now this is what I call friendship.

I want you, Bucko. And if you're out there, I'm going to get you. I want this

guy, Jim.

Well, you and quite a few others, Brian.

Very cute.

But I really have to go.

Now I know why they call this place the Sin Bed.

Listen, Brian, I really enjoyed your penis-on-the-half-cell act.

You're cute. I enjoyed working with you.

You certainly are full of surprises on your opposite side.

Look at the time. I really have to go. Where are you headed?

Buell's office. I have to see him about Frank Friendly. Wait a minute, Kendall.

No offense, but I'm the one who should be meeting with the sponsor, don't you

think? If we get AM7 off the ground, I'm producing.

Sure, I delegate a lot of crap, but I'm the straw that stirs the drink.

You sure are, Brian.

Short straw.

Any struggles from the soundproof?

Pretty much.

Well, looks like you made it out of there in one piece.

Yeah, you just gotta know how to control what buttons to push.

You know what you mean.

So, you ready for your meeting with Buell?

Well, I want him to hear my angle on the bomber case.

I mean, as long as he can concentrate.

He looks like he's always looking up at his girl.

He gets his attention anyway.

Well, boys will be boys.

Yeah, except this one was a boy in a dramatic era.

Mr. Buell, I've done my research, and it's my theory that the bomber must be

someone who's over his hands, a craftsman, really.

I mean, the bomb squad said that the bombs were ingenious, intricate, beyond

belief. That's interesting.

I am so sure that Kendall won't mind if I borrow her dressing room to

try on my new outfit.

Now, what would you say are his main traits?

I think he's very lonely, tragic, a troubled soul, and he must be very

handsome.

And a smoker.

Fascinating. We found these at the last bombing. There were several of them. The

police believe they're what's left of a special imported cigarette the bomber

smoked while waiting to watch his handiwork.

Well, Kendall, that's all well and good, but I don't see enough here to let you

run with it.

Oh, you know, don't worry, Kendall. You'll get your chance to show what you

can do.

Hey.

Hey. I've got a great idea.

Why don't you take over the producing duties on the telethon?

Gee, I don't know.

Now you're shying away from responsibility?

No, it's just that the telethon is the highest profile production we have.

Well, what is there to it? You hire some talent, you make sure the local yokels

have their say.

It's fun.

Besides, it's a...

Great opportunity for the right person to show what she can do.

Sure.

I think I better try

this out.

Better save this for later.

Having too much fun, I'm getting carried away with myself.

The telethon is a seminal event.

Dare I say a sacred one.

Especially when Brian does his personal appeal spot right before the final

total. I get goosebumps just thinking about it.

Brian takes a stool.

Spotlight hits him.

He lights a cigarette to calm his nerves.

Then he explains that he, too, was once in need of charity.

The kindness of strangers.

No, no, Kendall, you can chase your mad bombers and crazies some other time.

It's telethon time, the station's signature production.

Sir, turn on your set. We have a news bulletin on the bomber. They say he's

struck again.

Turn it up.

the volume.

I know that's not it.

This is a special news bulletin from WSEX-TV.

The reports are sketchy at this moment, but police say that the statue of City

Father Hickey Freeman was irreplaceable.

That wasn't the volume. That was the off switch.

The door was open, so I let myself in. I tend to do things like that.

Ah, Kendall, it is indeed a rare honor to see you.

You were at the station luncheon last Monday.

And I ran into you at the mini-mart in my neighborhood just last night. We just

keep bumping into each other. It must be fate.

You know, there are stalking laws in this castle. No, it's nothing

intentional, I assure you. It's just the way that circumstances compel to follow

a pattern set down in earnestness and sincerity.

Chapter 5 of the Positive Power Handbook.

Paragraph 3?

No, no, no, 4.

That's right, Mr. Buell.

I'm glad to see my seminar's been paying off for you.

More bomber news.

Like you taught me, Frank, there's nothing random in life. It is all merely

a pattern to be discovered.

Like these bombings, unfortunately.

Such turmoil's a part of life. The rich fabric of life.

When we weave every day.

Like a suit?

Oh, I see you noticed.

I've sued many patterns. The graphic symbol of my theory.

Find the right pattern and...

Leapers of the universe are unlocked.

I see a pattern developing where we get to know each other so much better.

I've got a better idea.

How would you like to produce a segment for AM7 on Frank's seminars?

I mean, they help so many people.

As a matter of fact, you know, you could attend one of Frank's weekend seminars.

I'm holding one at my pet house lot this very weekend. Oh, they do so much good.

Really? Maybe some of the other staff could attend.

It would help Brian get his head together for the telethon. Anyone from

the station is welcome.

Did I hear you say something about a new show?

My seminar would be the perfect subject for your first feature.

And maybe we'll all learn those three little words.

Those three little words don't come that easily. There's a much more extensive...

And no that expensive... Three-week course.

So it's set. The staff will sample firsthand a weekend retreat at Frank

Friendly's loft.

By staff, I hope you mean the associate producer.

Frank, I want you to meet a real go-getter, Amanda Cross.

Three little words.

I am charged.

The same here.

I'm going to pee.

Mr. Buell. Yes.

I think everyone should attend my seminar.

It should be mandatory.

I mean, I am book solid, yet...

I can only squeeze one more in.

Even me?

There's nothing even about you, my dear.

Then it's set. It's set. Brian, Kendall, Amanda, and yourself will attend Mr.

Friendly's seminar this weekend.

Go away. I'm not on for three hours.

I'm doing my research.

I'm your milligram, Dominique.

Oh, my.

That outfit has more holes in it than Sonny Corleone.

That's bad online sales.

We'll travel.

And we will obey.

Is that a girl?

Let's get this over with, okay?

I've got to call in to the FBI about another bomber for a time.

Medicine, I think. Running amateur hour is all I'm qualified for.

Let's get that bomber from hell or high water.

Who's next?

Including the recipe? Yes, and the profile on Willard Scott.

Yes, ma'am. To make the nifty-gifty jelly surprise, take three cups egg

whites. Fold them into partially melted butter.

Margarine and floor wax. Floor wax?

You added that part. What did I tell you about improvisation?

That's what a bad boy does.

Mr. Williams and his amazing accordion, isn't it?

Do you know what this is?

Yes. Then you know what it means.

No.

You will fill your mouth with this mouthwash.

And you will hold it there until I say it is time to expectorate.

Yes.

Madam LaRusca?

Okay, we're ready for the poetic stylings of Lance Boyle.

A family full of underwear.

Traits across the carpet.

It cut the fifth event.

Brush the dusty Davenport.

Some things we can't prevent.

In the kitchen, cooking chicken.

The mother and her girdle.

There is a pot and other things.

I think her name was Myrtle.

Daddy worked the steel plant and son was ghostly pale.

The mother had another slant. She told such twisted tales.

We eat in our under room. We do it every night. We eat in our under room.

What are you doing?

Kendall.

Kendall Saransky, Longfellow High 87.

Neil?

Neil Rustin Kowski?

Hi.

How have you been?

Good. How about you?

36 Mississippi.

37 Mississippi.

So that didn't really work out.

After my sophomore year at State, I dropped out. And I went to work for my

father at the family lumberyard.

You know, that was four years ago.

I never thought I'd see myself living in this town for the rest of my life.

I was hoping to get out and travel.

Well, getting away is heavy, you know. Like you said, no matter where you go,

there you are.

Just once, I'd love to have the chance to find out if that's true.

But you have a job here, a trade.

Well, it pays the bills.

And I do like working with the wood. The shaping, the smoothing down to the

finest detail.

I believe in you like what you do. Actually, what I really like to do is

sculpt. You know, wood carvings and wood figures.

Sounds nice.

This is you?

Mm-hmm.

You've got a nice hand.

You're great with your hands.

Not that you'd ever know it around here.

I didn't get arrested.

As a sculptor.

Yep.

Me.

An artist.

Living in a town where they think culture is something you find at the

bottom of a yogurt cup.

Well, I should get back to the set.

You'll offer me a bonus if I finish in a half schedule.

See you later.

That's coming along nicely.

Very good work, ma'am. Thank you. That's the hardest part of the telethon.

No, no, the hardest part of the telethon is staying awake all night.

It's hard to be spontaneous at four in the morning.

You'll come up with a solution for that, too.

For this year's telethon, I've designed the set with a twist.

I've added hidden tanks in the floor. Fresh air tanks that contain a preset

mixture of nitrogen and pure oxygen. So all you have to do to get a quick pick

-me-up is stand right there on the center platform, step on the pedal.

Give you a burst of quick energy whenever you need it. Pure oxygen?

Isn't that dangerous?

He's got a point. It's flammable.

Well, technically, no, because the mixture's pre-set. I mean, they would

never let you bring pure oxygen onto the set.

Besides, there's no smoking allowed in the studio. Actually, only I'm allowed

to smoke.

Just once. I have this bit I do. It's spontaneous, unrehearsed.

Totally scripted.

What? Just kidding. A personal appeal thing where I light a cigarette and I go

one-on-one with the audience. It's the highlight of the telephone.

This show's about that. And we are counting on Brian to be in rare form, so

I need to smoke.

Well, one cigarette won't be a problem.

Because I'm going to have this.

It measures unsafe levels of pure oxygen, so I'll know right away if we're

in any danger. Then I can shut out the system.

But like I said, the mixture's preset.

We may have a far more serious problem.

It seems the bomber has threatened to blow up the telethon.

Damn that bomber.

Hell, this threat doesn't scare me.

The telethon will go on as scheduled, and I'm going to offer a $10,000 reward

for the capture and conviction of this... scoundrel.

Sue, draft the press release.

Now, this is a weekend seminar, so things are a little looser.

You'll bunk here in the loft. I know it's a little cramped, but before the

weekend's out, a little familiarity will breed...

Understanding.

Now, uh, once you all get settled, we'll start the magical process of overcoming

your inertia, your fears, your directionless directions with trust

exercises and deep one-on-one sessions. You can divulge your deepest, darkest

desires. And yes, you'll all be introduced to a new product that I'm

marketing. The Frank Friendly Juice Shoulder.

Well, I'm game for all that, but when do we learn those three little words?

In due time.

But first, let's jolt the little juice out of Mother Nature.

Now, this is the first system that gets the most out of every fruit and

vegetable imaginable.

Does it come with batteries?

No.

But it comes with the spirit of cooperation,

a subtle blending of diverse flavors.

and energy sources, lightening senses.

Now, let's all grab a legume of your choice and get started.

Dibs on Brian.

Legume added.

Brian, you're a one-on-one with me.

This is your chance to let out your deepest, darkest secrets right from the

inside. Let it well up.

You can even whisper it to me if you like.

And then I went and canceled Charlie's Angels.

Charlie's Angels?

Is that because I canceled Charlie's Angels?

Not me. I'd rather be at the station tracking down that bomber.

Chill, Kendall. Come on, this weekend we're going to forget the station,

forget the news, and just you to find out the three little words.

Not in this lifetime.

What do you mean?

Frank doesn't let those three little words out of his mouth.

Not so willingly, anyway. He bases his entire marketing strategy on holding out

those three little words as long as possible.

What a prick.

Hey, listen, if those three little words ever did get out, they'd do more damage

to this station than any bomb ever could.

No one would need to take weeks and weeks of all this bullshit.

Frank's business would go under, and so would the station. Well, if that were

the case, we'd have to find three new little words.

Like find another sponsor.

A cuter one.

The dress is better.

Hey, did you guys get a load of the sleeping accommodations?

Yeah, Amanda and I are roughing it over here in...

Kabuki land.

I guess I drew the short straw. I'm stuck sleeping on a beanbag chair in the

kitchen.

Amanda, which bed do you want, the one behind the screen or near the door?

You can sleep behind the screen. Just don't make those silly shadow puppets

with your hands, okay? Don't worry.

Well, you know, on second thought, maybe I'll sleep behind the screen.

I mean, you know me.

I'm, uh, I'm rather shy.

Don't mind me. Just getting a glass of water.

Kendall? I forget he's being so forward.

You know, it's not my style.

I feel compelled to make a confession.

I'm not what I appear to be.

Uh-oh. I understand you're laughing.

It's come as quite a surprise as someone who's focused and...

Disciplined as I can become, shall we say.

Unhinged.

So I come to you now.

My soul ain't bare.

It ain't a traplet, if you like.

I hope you could caress and cherish it the way I do.

I have one requirement, Chris.

At your bidding.

I require three little words. Oh, butler. No buts.

No buts.

Three little words.

The foundation of my entire empire.

You must share them with me.

I have a deal for you.

Speak to me.

On my person, I have three articles of clothing.

For each little word, I will take off one article.

There's a way out.

Tell me.

That's what three little words...

First word?

It's a very special word.

There is a God.

Someone's in here.

I must leave, my love.

You can come up there now.

You're not allowed to enter without those three little words.

Oh, bucket?

Oh, that's closer.

Oh, Brian.

Do me that much.

Wait until this tape gets out.

Brian's nuts will really be in the sling.

Well, you seem less than thrilled.

No, I'm just glad you can't tell it to me.

Is that great?

It's the best prank that anyone's ever pulled around here.

What do you want to do with it?

I'm not sure.

Oh, come on. You must have some idea.

Well, at first I just wanted to put it on Buell's desk. Oh, great.

But then I realized Buell just might sweep it under the rug. You know how

fond of Brian he is.

Well, let's disappoint the old fart.

All along, I knew I'd need more.

I knew I needed something that would set up a series of events that would ensure

my rise to power.

I needed to find the key.

And I did.

In three little words.

So, you don't need the tape?

Oh, I need the tape.

Well, look.

Let's edit it.

into one of Brian's used car commercials.

Or a Frank Friendly spot. We'll put the spot into rotation and see where it pops

up. Oh, it'll be great.

It might even obtain cult status in the community. This station will be on its

ear. On its ear, I tell you. Just sit tight and hold on to the tape.

You did a good job, really, but I'm on to something tough.

Oh, you're still on for tonight?

Oh, about tonight.

Maybe after the telethon. The whole place is just such a dither from the

bomb scares.

She can't blow a bomb that easily.

You know, sometimes I think the bomber should blow up this place.

Well, that's something almost as good as a bomb.

Are you busy?

No.

Not at all. I'll finish this later.

Wow, 78.

She's so bold.

And a mystery.

Best art, usually.

Well, it might be so.

Kendall, what are you up to? What?

What? I haven't seen you in how long? Eight years? And now you're everywhere I

am?

I just wanted to get to know an old friend a little better.

They say a little knowledge can be a dangerous thing.

Kendall, you know, I'm not like the logo boy. I don't want your

act.

Then I guess I'll have to try a little harder. You know, I only act a certain

way.

A certain amount.

A certain time.

I bet you think that's what I find so attractive about you.

I always turn it on and off, and I never know what's coming.

You don't?

I guess.

Well, then what am I doing? Am I turning it on? Or am I turning it off?

You said that the time didn't land.

Well, is the acquisition over?

the perfect work of art.

Doesn't get me better than this.

You sound like a beer commercial.

I am a beer commercial.

I am the walking embodiment of the Madison Avenue ideal.

The blue-collar underachiever with nowhere to go.

I gotta get out and spread my wings.

Sounds like you're running away.

In a way, that's what it feels like.

You know, you could stay.

And what is there for me here?

More bathroom repairs? Some jimborees to assemble?

I may have the power to make you a Mr. Fix-ups of sorts on the AM7 show.

You could become a regular feature.

I'd rather become a regular feature with you.

Difficult, but not impossible.

What brand are those?

These are an expensive European brand.

Custom made. I gotta go.

So soon?

Yeah, well, with the telephone, I got so much to do at the station.

Copy and run through.

The bomber.

What?

Yes, the bomber.

I really gotta go.

Brian, I'll man the money barrel. You introduce the acts.

Check. Okay.

Now, we have around ten acts, and the mayor's donation, and the little loop

football check presentation, which will leave about five minutes for Brian's

heartfelt, totally ad-lib speech, which his intern is writing, even in his

speech.

What's the matter?

We're all laughing, and the bomber could be among us.

You dug something out?

Too deep, I'm afraid.

Kendall, who is it? Is there a bomb really in this station? There is no bomb

at this station.

Search from the basement to the rafters, and this place is clean, okay?

Too many people out looking for that monster right now, and that reward I

offered has the whole town mobilized.

We're even getting coverage on all the other TV stations.

Look, we're totally safe inside this station.

Okay, everybody, standing by. Two minutes. Two minutes to telephone.

Hello?

Kendall? Frank?

Listen, about the other night... Don't worry, Frank. Your secret is safe with

me. That's not what the voice on the other end of the phone told me. What

voice? What phone?

Don't play innocent with me. The voice said I should...

Watch the telethon closely tonight.

If you guys had three little words to get out. I know nothing about all that,

especially your three little words. Come on, I told them to you.

The other night when you tricked me into your bed.

I tricked you into my bed?

Right. You were in somebody else's bed that night, Frank.

You makes us devise the way to get those three little words out of me. So help

me, I will come down so hard on your station.

Hey, Frank.

I got three words for you. Go fuck yourself.

And in five, four, three, two, one, roll graphics.

Live from the studios of WSCX-TV, your host, sportscaster, Brian Pilgore,

and weather girl, Kendall Saransky, bring you the 8th Annual Charity

Peloton.

Isn't that something, ladies and gentlemen?

God bless him.

God bless him to think only a year ago that was just a dream. Just a dream

change. And now here's Kendall Suransky with the new friend.

You walked all the way to the telethon backwards collecting donations along the

way? Well, yeah, technically.

Oh, we walked into the telethon backwards. From where?

From the parking lot.

What did you collect?

Uh, 57 cents and an Arby's coupon.

Back to you, Brian.

Kendall, it's a ransom.

Oh, come on.

Hey, hey, it's the three little words guy.

Hey, I got three words for you.

Enough already.

I need to see Mr. Buell right away.

Yes, Mr. Friendly, I'm pleased.

Ladies, you can change right here behind the set.

We are far, far behind last year's total.

So come on, people.

Let's dig down deep in our pockets.

Call us now.

Kendall Saransky.

What's our latest total?

$578.37.

That's not enough. We must give until it hurts.

I mean in a good way.

Tiger, the other day was great, and I didn't mean to scare you off.

I'm scared, but not about commitment.

I'm scared about these.

And now, the aerobiquette, all the way from Herkimer.

Ready girls? And one, two, three, four.

Let's hear it for the Aerobic Cats.

Are these Brian's cue cards? Oh, yes, ma'am. I got these. Please stop.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Brian Kilgore.

Thanks, guys.

Tonight was a night about charity.

You know it's getting late.

But let me tell you about another person who was once in need of charity.

He was born on a farm upstate.

A simple house with a wooden stove.

No cable.

Is that a girl?

I apologize for smoking.

But it's the only way I can tell this story without shaking to pieces.

I got these cigarettes from a client.

Then they're not your regular brand?

Hell no, I got them as a gift.

Then you're not the bomber?

Is that what this is all about?

You thought I was the bomber?

No. Court, I never doubted you for a minute.

It was three little words that helped pull me, that young boy up from

poverty and despair.

Words I learned from a great man, a giant of a man, a towering example

of determination and human ingenuity.

What's going on with Kilgore?

Is he okay?

The three little words he told me were...

This is Buell for finishing the set-ahead schedule.

Then Buell's the bomber.

Who's going to blow up the set and blame it on you?

You bastard!

You! I'm going to reveal my three little words. You!

Come on.

Cut to what?

Anything, anything. Cut to a commercial.

Commercial?

Commercial time.

You lousy bastards.

My three little birds.

You know what this is?

Yes. Then you know what it is.

That's not important.

To hell and back.

That's what a bad boy does.

35 Mississippi.

36 Mississippi.

37 Mississippi.

Ready to stand by.

Go to stand by.

Ready camera two.

Cue Amanda.

We now return to our regularly scheduled program.

I never meant to harm anybody.

It was a simple rating stunt.

And my reporters, my reporters, started snooping around too much.

They had to be sacrificed for the sake of ratings.

It's the ratings, I tell you. It's the only thing that matters.

It's the ratings.

Frank. Frank, I had no idea those were your words. I was reading them from cue

cards. It's my job.

You mean my words? Let me back in. Let me back in. Those are

my three little words.

My three little words.

I'm a strange person.

Where are the two of you?

Why don't you ask her?

Oh, we're off to carve out a new season together.

Amanda, you wanted it so badly.

Now it's all yours.

Oh, yes!

And that just leaves two little words.

The End