Original subtitles

[FUNERAL MARCH PLAYING]

It's...

ANNOUNCER: There will now be a short intermission.

[♪ ♪ ♪]

[TYRES SCREECHING]

Monty Python's Flying Circus.

[♪ ♪ ♪]

[♪ ♪ ♪]

ANNOUNCER: There will now be a medium-sized intermission.

[QUACKING]

[BURPS]

Not bad for a starter, but now perhaps something a little more savoury.

Ooh, I don't like this. Ooh, I don't like that.

Oh, I don't think much to all this. Oh, fancy using that wallpaper.

Fancy using mustard. Ooh, is that a proper one? Ooh, it's not real.

I don't think it's a proper restaurant unless they give you finger bowls.

Ooh, I don't like him. I'm going to have a baby in a few years.

Uh, please excuse my wife. She may appear to be rather nasty,

but underneath she has a heart of Formica.

Sorry about that.

That's all right, sir. We get all sorts of lines in here.

The headwaiter will be along to abuse you in a few moments.

And now if you'll excuse me I have to go and commit suicide.

Oh, I'm sorry. It's all right.

It's not because of anything serious.

[CHUCKLES]

[GUNSHOT] [SCREAMING]

Quite frankly, I'm against people who commit suicide.

I don't like that sort of person at all. I'm plain people and I'm proud of it.

My mother's the salt of the Earth and I don't take the pill because it's nasty.

Please excuse my wife, she may not be very beautiful,

and she may have no money and she may be a little talentless,

boring and dull, but on the other hand...

Sorry, I can't think of anything.

Fine. I'm the headwaiter.

This is a vegetarian restaurant only, we serve no animal flesh of any kind.

We're not only proud of that, we're smug about it.

So if you were to come in here asking me to rip open a small, defenceless chicken

so you could chew its skin and eat its intestines,

then I'm afraid I'd have to ask you to leave.

No, no, no. Likewise, if you asked me

to slice the sides off a cow and serve it with a small piece of its liver

or indeed drain the lifeblood from a pig before cutting off one its legs,

or carve the living giblets from a sheep and serve them with fresh brains,

bowels, guts and spleen of a small rabbit,

we wouldn't do it!

Not for food anyway.

Frankly I'm against people who give vent to their loquacity

by extraneous bombastic circumlocution.

Oh, I don't like that.

Sometimes, Shirley, I think you're almost human.

Do you know I still wet my bed?

Once I married someone who was beautiful and young and gay and free.

Whatever happened to her?

You divorced her and married me.

I met my second wife at a second-wife-swapping party.

Trust me to arrive late.

Always were late, weren't you, Thompson?

Hello, headmaster. What are you doing here?

Fine, fine, fine, thank you. Fine, thank you.

No more sherry for me, don't you know.

Warner House beat Badger House for the Second Cuppa, remarkable.

We had to put most of the second form to sleep. No padre.

Bad business. They were beginning to play with themselves.

Still, you haven't seen my wife anywhere, have you?

No. Oh, thank God for that.

I don't like him. Do you know what I mean? Do you know what I mean?

I mean, do you know what I mean? Do you know what I mean?

All men are the same.

Imagine not that these four walls contain the Mighty Owl of Thebes.

For, gentles all, beauty sits most closely

to them it can construe.

No, it doesn't. Sorry.

Fine. Would you care for a glass of blood?

Oh, what a giveaway. We'd like to see the menu, please.

I don't think it's a proper restaurant unless you have a proper menu.

And anyway, I might be pregnant. Perhaps you'd care for a drink?

Ever since you've married me, Douglas,

you've treated me like an albatross.

Evening. Good evening.

I hope you're going to enjoy me this evening. I'm the special.

Try me with some rice. MAN: I beg your pardon?

Hopkins Au gratin a la chef. Oh, how do you do?

Don't play with your food.

[LAUGHING]

I don't like that. There's dust on here.

I don't think it's a proper meal without pudding.

My husband's an architect.

Oh, one word of warning, sir, a little tip.

Don't have any of the vicar over there.

He's been here two weeks and nobody's touched him.

HOPKINS: Enough said? MAN: Yes, thank you.

Well, I must get along or I'll spoil.

Janet, to the kitchen.

[♪ ♪ ♪]

[CLEARS THROAT]

There's a dead bishop in the lobby, sir.

I don't know who keeps bringing them in.

Oh, I don't like that. I think it's silly.

It's not a proper sketch without a proper punch line.

I mean, I don't know much about anything, I'm stupid. I'm muggins.

Nobody cares what I think. I always have to do everything.

WOMAN: Nobody cares about me.

I'm going to have a lot of bloody babies and they can bloody care about me.

Makes you sick, half this television. They never stop talking.

He'll be the ruination of her. Rhythm method.

[♪ ♪ ♪]

ANNOUNCER: There will now be a whopping great intermission,

during which small ice creams in very large boxes will be sold.

Another way we can drive people away from the cinema

is by showing you advertisements.

[♪ ♪ ♪]

COMMERCIAL ANNOUNCER: Do you like this?

Or how about this?

Or perhaps you prefer this latest model.

Then why not come to us?

We supply only the very best models.

After the show, why not visit the La Gondola Restaurant?

Just two minutes from this performance.

The manager, Mr. Luigi Vercotti, will be pleased to welcome you

and introduce you to a wide variety of famous Sicilian delicacies.

Here you can relax in comfort in friendly surroundings.

Or if you wish, you may drink and dance until midnight.

At the La Gondola Restaurant,

you can sample all the spicy pleasures of the Mediterranean.

The headwaiter will be pleased to show you his specialties.

Or why not ask the cook for something really hot?

Yes, for an evening you'll never forget,

it's the La Gondola Restaurant, Chelsea...

Parkhurst, Dartmoor and the Scrubs.

[♪ ♪ ♪]

Albatross!

Albatross!

Albatross? Two choc-ices, please.

I haven't got choc-ices.

I only got the albatross. Albatross!

What flavour is it?

It's a bird, isn't it?

It's a bloody seabird. It's not any bloody flavour.

Albatross!

Do you get wafers with it?

Course you don't get bloody wafers with it.

Albatross!

How much is it? Nine pence.

I'll have two, please.

Gannet on a stick.

[♪ ♪ ♪]

ANNOUNCER:There will now be a very short--

[EXPLOSION]

[♪ ♪ ♪]

ANNOUNCER:The management regrets that it will not be showing a feature film this evening,

as it eats into the profits.

["GOD SAVE THE QUEEN" PLAYS]

Well, that's quite enough of that.

And now a policeman near Rottingdeans.

Albatross!

Inspector, inspector. Mm-hm?

I'm terribly sorry, but I was sitting on a park bench over there, took my coat off for a minute,

and then I found my wallet had been stolen and £15 taken from it.

Well, did you, uh--? Did you see anyone take it, anyone hanging around or...?

No, no, there was no one there at all. That's the trouble.

Well, there's not very much we can do about that, sir.

Oh.

Do you want to come back to my place?

Yeah, all right.

[APPLAUSE]

Albatross.

Mr. Burtenshaw? Me, doctor?

No, me doctor, you Mr. Burtenshaw.

My wife, doctor? No, your wife patient, me doctor.

Come this way, please. Me, Sister?

No. She Sister. Me doctor. You Mr. Burtenshaw.

Dr. Walters?

Me nurse. You Mr. Burtenshaw. She Sister.

You, doctor. No, doctor.

No doctor. Call ambulance. Keep warm.

Drink, doctor? Drink doctor. Eat Sister.

Cook Mr. Burtenshaw. Nurse me.

You, doctor?

Me doctor. You Mr. Burtenshaw. She nurse.

But my wife, nurse. Your wife not nurse.

She nurse. Your wife patient. Be patient.

She nurse, your wife. Me doctor.

Yew tree, Utrecht, Utrillo, U Thant, euphemism.

Me doctor.

Albatross!

[APPLAUSE]

I would like to meet

someone of superior intelligence.

I'd like to hear the sound

of two bricks being bashed together.

I would like to see John the Baptist's

impersonation of Graham Hill.

ANNOUNCER: Yes, it's Historical Impersonations.

[♪ ♪ ♪]

When you in the present can make those in the past stars of the future.

And here is your host for tonight, Wally Wiggin.

Hello, good evening and welcome to Historical Impersonations.

And we kick off tonight with Cardinal Richelieu

and his impersonation of Petula Clark.

[LIP-SYNCHING PETULA CLARK'S "DON'T SLEEP IN THE SUBWAY"]

Cardinal Richelieu, 16 stone of pure man.

And now your favourite Roman emperor,

Julius Caesar as Eddie Waring.

[SPEAKING LATIN]

Well done indeed, Julius Caesar,

a smile, a conquest and a dagger up your strap.

Our next challenger comes all the way from the Crimea.

It's the very lovely Florence Nightingale as Brian London.

[BELL RINGS]

[GRUNTS]

And now for our most ambitious attempt tonight.

All the way from Moscow, in the USS of R,

Ivan the Terrible as a sales assistant in Freeman, Hardy and Willis.

[ROARS]

And now W.G. Grace as a music box.

[♪ ♪ ♪]

WIGGIN: And now it's France's turn.

One of their top statesmen, Napoleon, as the R-101 disaster.

["LA MARSEILLAISE" PLAYING]

[EXPLOSION]

And now it's request time.

I would like to see John the Baptist's

impersonation of Graham Hill.

[MOTOR REVVING]

And now a short intermission during which Marcel Marceau

will impersonate a man walking against the wind.

WIGGIN: And now Marcel will mime

a man being struck about the head by a 16-ton weight.

[CHEERING]

What's your name?

Eric.

Would you like to have a 16-ton weight dropped on top of you, Eric?

Don't know.

[APPLAUSE]

How about you?

I want to have...

What do you want to have?

I want to have...

What?

I want to have Raquel Welch dropped on top of me.

Dropped on top of you.

Oh, yes, not climbing.

She's got a big bottom.

[APPLAUSE]

And what's your name? Trevor Atkinson.

And how old are you, Trevor? I'm 42.

You a friend of Trevor's? Yes.

We're colleagues from the Empire and General Insurance Company.

What do you do?

Well, I deal with mortgage protection policies,

but I also do certain types of life assurance.

Now, if you and your pal had one big wish, Trevor,

what would you like to see on television?

I'd like to see more fairy stories about the police.

And so you shall.

[WHISTLING]

[CLEARS THROAT]

[HUMMING]

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

[♪ ♪ ♪]

Yes, we in Special Crime Squad have been using wands

for almost a year now.

I find it's easy to make yourself invisible,

you can defy time and space

and you can turn violent criminals into frogs.

Something you couldn't do with the old truncheons.

[♪ ♪ ♪]

Yes, tonight ProbeAround takes a look at crime--

[GUNSHOT]

I'm sorry about that, but I always introduce this program, not him.

Yes, tonight ProbeAround takes a look at crime.

Is it true that the police are using dachshunds

to combat the crime wave?

And can the head of the Vice Squad turn himself into an albatross

whenever he wants to? Just what are the police up to?

Oh, I'm up to page 39, where Peter Pan first manifests himself.

With me now is Inspector Harry H. "Snapper" Organs of H Division.

Good evening.

Inspector, I believe you are encouraging magic in the police force.

That is correct. The criminal mind is a strange and contorted one.

Good evening.

The mind is subject to severe mental stresses. Good evening.

Guilt fears abound-- Good evening. --In the subconscious.

In this state, one of our lads, with training in the black arts,

can scare the fertilizer out of them.

Just how are the police combating the increase with the use of the occult?

Ex-King Zog of Albania reports.

[PHONE RINGS]

We seem to have lost ex-King Zog there, but who cares?

Just what kinds of magic are the police introducing

into their crime-prevention techniques?

[SQUEAKING]

ALL: "U"

"P"

"Y"

"O"

"U"

"R"

"S"

"UP yours"?

What a rude Ouija board.

[CHIMING]

[POPS]

[SIREN WAILING]

[CHANTING]

[GIBBERING]

Now, this is the kind of thing that gives the police a bad name, sergeant.

I know, sir.

[INTERCOM BUZZES]

Yes, Beryl?

BERYL [OVER INTERCOM]: Attila the Hun to see you, sir.

Who? BERYL: Attila the Hun, sir.

Oh, botherkins.

Uh, constable, go and see to him, will you?

What? In this dress?

Oh, all right, I'll go.

Oh, I have got a little green pinny I could wear.

No, no, no, I'll go. You stay here.

Oh, goody. I can get on with the ironing.

Right, where is he? BERYL: Over there, sir.

Right, all right, sergeant, leave this to me.

Now, then, sir, you are Attila the Hun.

That's right, yes. A.T. Hun.

My parents were Mr. and Mrs. Norman Hun,

but they had a little joke when I was born.

[LAUGHS]

Yes, well, Mr. Hun, what, uh--?

Oh, call me "The," for heaven's sake.

Oh, well, The, what do you want to see us about?

I've come to give myself up. What for?

Looting, pillaging and sacking a major city.

I beg your pardon?

Looting, pillaging, sacking a major city,

and I'd like 9000 other charges to be taken into consideration, please.

I say, excuse me, Mr. Hun.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Have you any objection to taking a breath test?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Right.

Uh, sergeant, will you bring the "Hunalyzer," please?

Here we are, sir. All right, how does it work?

Well, if he breathes into it, sir, and the white crystals turn lime green,

then he is Attila the Hun, sir. I see.

Would you mind breathing into this, Mr.Hun?

All right.

All right.

What if nothing happens, sergeant?

He's Alexander the Great. Aha!

Caught you, Mr. A.T. Great.

Oh, curses, curses!

I thought I was safe, disguised as Attila the Hun.

Oh, perhaps so, but you made one fatal mistake.

You see, this wasn't a "Hunalyzer,"

it was an "Alexander the Greatalyzer."

Take him away, Beryl!

MAN 1: Dear Sir, I object very strongly to that last scene,

and to the next letter.

MAN 2: Dear Sir, I object to being objected to by the last letter

before my drift has become apparent.

I spent many years in India during the last war,

and am now a part-time notice board in a prominent public school.

Yours etc., Brigadier Zoe La Rue, deceased. PS:

Ahhhh

MAN 3: Dear Sir, when I was at school,

I was beaten regularly every 30 minutes

and it never did me any harm,

except for psychological maladjustment and blurred vision.

Yours truly, Flight Lieutenant Ken Frankenstein, Mrs.

[WHEEZING NOISES]

[SIREN WAILING]

[TYRES SCREECHING]

[METAL CLANGING]

[CAR DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES]

[FOOTSTEPS]

[DOOR SHUTS]

[SCREAMS]

[FOOTSTEPS CONTINUING]

[MAN PANTING]

MAN: I want to see the doctor.

Dr. Larch, there's a Mr. Phelps to see you.

Uh, nurse. Yes?

Uh, you don't think you should make it clear that I'm a psychiatrist?

What?

Well, I could be any type of doctor.

Well, I can't come in and say, "Psychiatrist Larch,"

or, "Dr. Larch who is a psychiatrist."

[SIGHS]

Anyway, look, it's written on the door. [WHISPERS] That's outside.

Well, I don't care, you'll just have to do it yourself.

[IMITATES PHONE CHIRPING]

Hello. Uh, no, wrong number, I'm afraid,

this is a psychiatrist speaking.

Next, please.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Uh, come in.

Bow, wow, wow.

Ah, Mr. Phelps, come on in, take a seat.

Now, what seems to be the matter? No, no, no.

I'm sorry? Oh, can't you do better than that?

I mean, it's so predictable. I've seen it a million times.

Knock, knock, knock. "Come in. Ah, Mr. Phelps, take a seat."

I've seen it and seen it.

Well, look, will you please sit down and do your first line?

No, no. I've had enough. I've had enough.

I can't even get it started.

PHELPS: Albatross. Shut up!

Oh, it drives me mad.

A mad psychiatrist, that would be new.

Next, please.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

[CLEARS THROAT]

[MUMBLING]

Cross the threshold, arrive, ingress, gain admittance, infiltrate.

Ah, Mr. Notlob, park your hips on the sitting device.

It is a mad psychiatrist. I'm not. I'm not.

Come on in. Take a seat. What-? What's the matter?

[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

Now, what's the matter? Well, I keep hearing guitars playing

and people singing when no one's around.

DOCTOR: Yes, well this is not at all uncommon.

In certain mental states,

we find that auditory hallucinations occur which are of a most--

[GUITAR STRUMMING AND WOMAN SINGING "WE'RE ALL GOING TO THE ZOO"]

Is that "We're All Going to the Zoo"? Yes. Yes.

Is it always that? No.

Well, that's something.

But it's mainly folk songs. Oh, my God.

Last night I had "We'll Never Fall in Love Again" for six hours.

Well, look, I think I'd better have a second opinion on this.

I want you to see a colleague of mine,

a specialist in these sort of things,

who has an office very much like this one, as a matter of fact.

Ooh.

[IMITATES PHONE CHIRPING]

Um, no, no, wrong number. I'm a colleague of his, a surgeon

who specializes in these kind of things.

Yes, thank you very much.

Next, please.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Come in.

Ah, come in, please take a seat.

My colleague, who has a similar office, has explained your case to me.

[GUITAR STRUMMING AND WOMAN SINGING "WE'RE ALL GOING TO THE ZOO"]

Mr. Notlob, as you know,

I am a leading Harley Street surgeon...

[PHONOGRAPH PLAYING DRAMATIC MUSIC]

As seen on television.

I'm afraid I'm going to have to operate.

It's nothing to worry about, although it is extremely dangerous.

I shall be juggling with your life.

I shall be playing ducks and drakes with your very existence.

I shall be running me mitts over the pith of your marrow.

Yes. These hands, these fingers...

these sophisticated organs of touch,

these bunches of five, these maulers, these German bands,

that have pulled many a moribund unfortunate back

from the very brink of Lazarus' box.

No, it was Pandora's box, wasn't it?

Well, anyway, these mitts have earned yours truly a lot of bread.

So if you'll just step through here, I'll slit you up a treat.

What?

Mr.Noflob, there's nothing wrong with you

that an expensive operation can't prolong.

[GUITAR STRUMMING AND SINGING CONTINUES]

Right, I'm ready to make the incision.

Knife, please, Sister.

What's that supposed to be? Give me a big one.

Oh, I do enjoy this.

Right.

Oh, what a great slit.

Now, gentlemen, I am going to open the slit.

Too much, man, groovy, great scene.

Great light show, baby.

What are you doing in there? We're doing our own thing, man.

Have you got Mr. Notlob's permission to be in there?

We're squatters, baby. What?

Nurse, wake him up.

Don't get uptight, man. Join the scene and other phrases.

Money isn't real. It is where I'm standing,

and it blows my mind, young lad.

Good Lord, is that a nude woman?

She's doing an article on us for Nova, man.

Hi, everyone.

Are you part of the scene?

Are you rolling your own jelly babies in there?

What's going on? Who are they?

That's what we're trying to find out.

What are they doing in my stomach? We don't know.

Are they paying you rent? Of course they're not paying me rent!

You're not furnished, you fascist.

Get them out!

I can't. Get them out.

No, I can't. Not without a court order.

Shut up. You're keeping us awake.

You are hereby ordered to vacate Mr. Notlob forthwith and/or.

Push off, fuzz.

Right, that's it, we're going in.

Release the vicious dogs. There we go.

[DOGS BARKING]

What a terrible way to end a series.

Why couldn't it end with something like this?

Smile.

Smile.

[♪ ♪ ♪]

Smile.

Smile.

Smile.

Smile.

Now, there's an ending for you.

Romance. Laughter--

[SPLATS]

[♪ ♪ ♪]

Oh! Oh! Oh!

NARRATOR: When this series returns,

it will be put out on Monday morning as a test card

and will be described by the Radio Times

as a history of Irish agriculture.