All language subtitles for Sanet.st.monty.pythons.flying.circus.s01e11.1080p.BluRay.h264-13

[TIRES SCREECHING
AND HORNS HONKING]

[MAN PANTING AND GRUNTING]

It's... Ah!

NARRATOR:
Monty Python's Flying Circus.

[♪♪♪]

Have you finished in there yet?

[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]

MAN 1: Dear sir, I object strongly
to the obvious lavatorial turn

this show has already taken.

Why do we never hear about
the good things in Britain,

like Mary Bignall's
wonderful jump in 1964?

Yours et cetera, Ken Voyeur.

[CROWD CHEERING]

MAN 2: Dear sir, I object strongly
to the obvious athletic turn

this show has now taken.

Why can't we hear more about
the human body?

There is nothing embarrassing
or nasty about the human body

except for the intestines
and bits of the bottom.

MAN 3: Dear sir, I object strongly to
the letters on your programme.

They are clearly
not written by the general public

and are merely included
for a cheap laugh.

Yours et cetera, William Knickers.

[PLAYING CLASSICAL MUSIC]

[TOILET FLUSHES]

MAN 1: That was absolutely revolting.
MAN 2: Appalling.

WOMAN 1:
Disgusting. Disgusting.

MAN I:
Disgusting rubbish.

[♪♪♪]

I, too, take strong exception
to this resurgence of cheap jokes

about poo-poos.

Mr. Voyeur's letter stated very-- Ooh.

Oh, excuse me.

[FLUSHES]

As I was saying,

the letter previously read made
clear the view of a great majority...

[♪♪♪]

1348. The Black Death,
typhus, cholera,

consumption,
bubonic plague.

Oh, those were the days.

[ALL MURMURING]

Now, I'm not-- I'm..

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Now, I'm not prepared to go on with
this unless these interruptions cease.

All right?

Right.

The devastating effect
of these, um--

[HORN HONKING]

[HORN HONKING]

[ENGINE ACCELERATES]

[ENGINE ACCELERATES]

[TIRES SCREECHING]

[CRASH]

No, don't follow me.
And don't zoom in on me.

No, I'm off. I'm off.
That's it. That's all. I'm off.

Are you nervy, irritable,
depressed, tired of life?

Keep it up.

This house
is surrounded.

I'm afraid I must not ask
anyone to leave the room.

No, I must ask nobody.

No, I must ask everybody to...

I must not ask
anyone to leave the room--

No one must be asked
by me to leave room.

No, no one must ask
the room to leave.

I ask the room shall
by someone be left. Not.

Ask nobody the room
somebody leave shall I.

Shall I leave the room?

Everyone must leave
the room as it is...

with them in it.

Understand?

You don't want anybody
to leave the room.

Now, alduce me
to introlow myself.

I'm sorry.
Alself me to myduce intro--

Intro me to lose mylow--

Mme to you 'mtrosefi my

EXCUSE me a moment.

Allow me to introduce myself. I'm afraid
I must ask that no one leave the room.

Allow me to introduce myself.
I'm Inspector Tiger.

ALL: Tiger?
Where?! Where?! Oh.

[CHUCKLING]

Me Tiger.

You Jane.

[TIGER GROWLS]

Beg your pardon.

Allow me to introduce myself.

I'm afraid I must ask that
no one leave the room.

Why not?
Elementary.

Since the body was found
in this room and no one has left it.

Therefore, the murderer must be
somebody in this room.

What body?
Somebody...

in this room
must the murderer be.

The murderer of the body
is somebody in this room

which nobody must leave.

Leave the body in the room
not to be left by anybody.

Nobody leaves anybody
or the body with somebody.

Anybody who is anybody shall
leave the body in the room body.

Take the tablets, Tiger.

Anybody with a body
but not the body is nobody.

Nobody leaves the body
in the Bo--

Albody me to introbody a--

Now for Sir Gerald.
That's better.

Now, I'm Inspector Tiger and I must
ask that nobody leave the room.

Now, someone
has committed a murder here

and that murderer
is someone in this room.

The question is who?

Look, there hasn't been a murder.

No murder?
ALL: No.

Oh.

I don't like it.
It's too simple, too clear-cut.

I'd better wait.
No, too simple, too clear-cut.

[TIGER SCREAMS]

[GUNSHOT]

By Jove, he was right.

This house is surrounded. I must
ask that no one leave the room.

I'm Chief Superintendent
Lookout.

Lookout?
What? Where?

Oh, me, Lookout.
Lookout of the Yard.

Why, what would we see?

I'm sorry?

Well, what would we see
if we look out of the yard?

I'm afraid I don't
follow that at all.

Aha! The body.

So the murderer must be
somebody in this room.

Unless he had very long arms.
Say, 30 or 40 feet.

I think we can discount
that one.

[LAUGHING]

Lookout of the Yard.
Very good.

Right. Now we'll
reconstruct the crime.

I'll sit down here.

Constable, you turn off
the lights.

Good. Now then,
there was a scream...

[LOOKOUT SCREAMS]

Then just before the lights
went up, there was a shot.

[GUNSHOT]

All right, all right, the house is
surrounded, and nobody leave the room

and all the rest of it.
Allow me to introduce myself.

I'm Assistant Chief Constable
Theresamanbehindyer.

ALL:
Theresamanbehindyer?

You're not going to catch me
with an old one like that.

Right, let's reconstruct
the crime.

Constable, you be Inspector Tiger.
Right, sir.

Nobody leave
the room ask shall.

Somebody I leave nobody
in the room body shall.

Take the tablets, Tigerbody.

Alself me to myduce introlow
left body in the roomself.

[ALL APPLAUDING]

Very good. Sit down there.
Thank you, sir.

Right. Now we'll pretend
the lights have gone out.

Constable,
you scream.

[SCREAMS]

Somebody shoots you.
And the door opens--

Nobody move.
I am Chief Constable Fire.

ALL: Fire?
Where? Where?

We're interrupting this sketch,

but we'll be bringing you back

the moment anything
interesting happens.

Meanwhile, here are
some friends of mine.

[♪♪♪]

[BODY MOANS]

[♪♪♪]

MAN:
Dear sir, I'm sorry this letter is late.

It should have come at
the beginning of the programme.

Yours, Ivor Bigbottie, age 2.

From the plastic arts,
we turn to football.

Last night in the
Stadium of Light, Jarrow,

we witnessed the resuscitation
of a great footballing tradition

when Jarrow United came of age
in a European sense

with an almost Proustian display
of modern existentialist football,

virtually annihilating
by midfield moral argument

the now surely obsolescent
catenaccio defensive philosophy

of Signor Alberto Fanffino.

Bologna, indeed, were a sight
intellectually out-argued

by a Jarrow team
thrusting and bursting

with aggressive
Kantian positivism.

And outstanding in this fine Jarrow
team was my man of the match,

the arch-thinker, free-scheming,
scarcely-ever-to-be-curbed

midfield cognoscente,
Jimmy Buzzard.

Good evening, Brian.

Jimmy, at least one
ageing football commentator

was gladdened last night
by the sight of an English footballer

breaking free of the limpid tentacles
of packed Mediterranean defence.

Good evening,
Brian.

Were you surprised
at the way the Italians

ceded midfield dominance
so early on in the game?

Well, Brian...

I'm opening a boutique.

This is, of course, symptomatic
of a new breed of footballer,

as it is indeed symptomatic of
your whole genre of play, or is it not?

Good evening, Brian.

What I'm getting at, Jimmy, is you
seem to have discovered a new concept

of the mode of which you dissected
the Italian defence last night.

I hit the ball first time, and
there it was in the back of the net.

Right. Do you think Jarrow will
adopt a more defensive posture

for the first leg of the
next tie in Turkey?

I hit the ball first time, and there
it was in the back of the net.

Yes, yes, but have you
any plans for dealing with

the free-scoring Turkish forwards?

Well, Brian...

I'm opening a boutique.

And now let's take a look at the
state of play in the detective sketch.

Alself me to
introlow mybody.

[GUNSHOT]

[CHEERING]

[♪♪♪]

[CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]

[♪♪♪]

Cheeky.
Oh, temper, temper.

Well, some of us
don't like having men

crawling over us
the whole time.

[GROWLING AND SNARLING]

You need to take all the
opportunities you can get, dear.

Unlike some people I could mention,
I'm quite happily married, thank you.

Yes, I've seen you often,
tethered up in the garden.

[♪♪♪]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
ON RECORDING]

Hello, good evening and welcome to yet
another edition of Interesting People.

And my first interesting
person tonight

is the highly interesting Mr. Howard
Stools from Kendal in Westmorland.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
ON RECORDING]

Good evening, Mr. Stools.
MATCHBOX: Hello, David.

Mr. Stools, what makes you
particularly interesting?

MATCHBOX:
Well, I'm only half an inch long.

Well, that's extremely
interesting.

Thank you for coming
on the show tonight, Mr. Stools.

MATCHBOX: I don't think that was
interesting, David. In fact--

Mr. Howard Stools from Kendal
in Westmorland, half an inch long.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
ON RECORDING]

Our next guest tonight has
come all the way from Egypt.

He's just flown into London today.
He's Mr. Ali Bayan.

He's with us in the studio tonight
and he's stark raving mad.

[GIBBERING]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
ON RECORDING]

Mr. Ali Bayan, stark raving mad.

Now it's time for our music spot.

We turn the spotlight tonight on
the Rachel Toovey Bicycle Choir...

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
ON RECORDING]

With their fantastic arrangement
of "Men of Harlech"

for bicycle bells only.

[SINGING]

[BICYCLE BELLS RINGING]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
ON RECORDING]

The Rachel Toovey Bicycle Choir.

Really interesting.

Remember, if you're interesting and
want to appear on this programme,

write your name and address
on your telephone number

and send it to this address:

[COMPERE READING
ON-SCREEN TEXT]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
ON RECORDING]

Thank you, thank you.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Now here's an interesting person.

Apart from being
a full-time stapling machine,

he can also give a cat influenza.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[COUGHING]

[CAT MEOWS AND SNEEZES]

[CAT WHIMPERING AND SNEEZING]

Well, you can't get much more
interesting than that, or can you?

With me now--

With me now is Mr. Thomas Walters
of West Hartlepool,

who is totally invisible.

Good evening, Mr. Walters.

MAN:
Over here, Hughie.

Mr. Walters, are you
sure you're invisible?

Oh, yes, most certainly.

Well, Mr. Walters,
what's it like being invisible?

Well, for a start,
at the office where I work,

I can be sitting at my desk all day
and the others totally ignore me.

At home, even though
we are in the same room,

my wife does not
speak to me for hours.

People pass me by in the street
without a glance in my direction,

and I can walk into
a room without--

Well, last week on Interesting People
we met Mr. Oliver Cavendish who--

Even now, you yourself
do hardly notice me--

Mr. Oliver Cavendish
of Leicester,

who claims to be able to recite
the entire Bible in one second

whilst being struck on the head
with a large axe. Ho-ho, wow.

We've since discovered that
he was a fraud. He did not--

Yes, a fraud. He did not,
in fact, recite the entire Bible.

He merely recited the first two words,
"In the...", before his death.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
ON RECORDING]

COMPERE: And now
it's time for Interesting Sport.

And this week it's all-in cricket, live
from the Municipal Baths, Croydon.

[CROWD CHEERING]

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING
ON RECORDING]

All-in cricket. Great, great.

With me now is Mr. Ken Dove,

twice voted most
interesting man in Dorking.

Ken, I believe you're
interested in shouting.

[SHOUTING] Yes, I'm interested
in shouting, all right.

By Jove, you certainly
hit the nail on the head

with that particular
observation of yours, then.

What does your wife think of this?
WOMAN [SHOUTING]: I agree with him.

Shut up!

At parties, for instance,
people never come up to me.

I just sit there and
everybody totally--

Now, that is Tiddles,
I believe.

Yes, yes, this is Tiddles.

Yeah? And what does she do?

She flies across the studio
and lands in a bucket of water.

By herself?
No, I fling her.

Well, that's extremely
interesting.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. Don Savage and Tiddles.

[CAT MEOWING]

[SPLASHES]

Oh, I'm more interesting
than a wet pussycat.

WALTERS:
--for hour after hour after hour--

Yes, great. Well, now, for the first
time on television, Interesting People

brings you a man who claims he
can send bricks to sleep by hypnosis.

Mr. Keith Maniac from Guatemala.
Good evening.

Keith, you claim you can
send bricks to sleep.

Yes, that is correct. I can.
Entirely by hypnosis.

Yes. I use no artificial
means, whatsoever.

[MATCHBOX SCREAMS]

You've injured
Mr. Stools.

I simply stare at the brick
and it goes to sleep.

Well, we have
a brick here, Keith.

Perhaps you can send it
to sleep for us.

Oh, uh... Well, I'm afraid
that is already asleep.

How do you know?
Well, it's not moving.

I see. Have we got
a moving brick?

Yes, we've got a moving brick, Keith.
It's coming over now.

Now fast asleep.
Very good. Very good, indeed.

Yes, it's all done with the eyes.

Yes, Mr. Keith Maniac
from Guatemala.

Mr. Stools.

Speak to me, Howard.

[CROWD CHEERING]

And now, four tired undertakers.

[♪♪♪]

[GRUNTING]

[GRUNTING]

[GRUNTING]

[PANTING]

MAN: We're interrupting this to take you back
very quickly to the Jimmy Buzzard interview,

where we understand something
exciting's just happened.

I've fallen off
my chair, Brian.

[♪♪♪]

[DOG BARKING]

[WOMAN AND MAN LAUGHING]

MAN 1: Shh! I think my wife's
beginning to suspect.

MAN 2: You, shut up, up there!
MAN 3: What do you mean, shut up?

WOMAN: You shut up! Be quiet!
MAN 4: Shut up!

MAN 5:
Shut up! Shut your trap!

I apologize for that.

I think you'll find this
a bit more interesting.

[♪♪♪]

[IN MAN'S VOICE]
Good evening.

Tonight I want to examine
the whole question

of 18th-century social legislation:

Its relevance to
the hierarchical structure

of post-Renaissance society...

and its impact on the future
of parochial organization

in an expanding agrarian economy.

But first, a bit of fun.

[♪♪♪]

To put England's social legislation
in a European context

is Professor Gert Van Der Whoops
of the Rijksmuseum in The Hague.

In Holland in the early part
of the 15th century,

there were three things
important to social legislation.

One, rise of merchant classes.

Two, urbanization of craft guilds.

Three, declining moral values in age
of increasing social betterment.

But first, a bit of fun.

[♪♪♪]

[CLEARS THROAT]

Oh. And now,
Professor R.J. Canning.

[♪♪♪]

The cat sat on the mat.

And now, the Battle of Trafalgar.

Tonight we examine popular views
of this great battle.

Was the Battle of Trafalgar fought
in the Atlantic off southern Spain?

Or was it fought on dry land
near Cudworth in Yorkshire?

Here is one man
who thinks it was.

CANNING:
And here is his friend.

What makes you think the Battle of
Trafalgar was fought near Cudworth?

Because Drake was too clever
for the German fleet.

I beg your pardon?

I've forgotten what I said now.

Mr. Gumby's remarkable views have
sparked off a wave of controversy

amongst his fellow historians.

Well, I think we should, uh,

reappraise our concept
of the Battle of Trafalgar.

Well, well,

I agree with everything
Mr. Gumby says.

Well, I think cement

is more interesting
than people think.

One subject, four different views...

12 and six in a plain wrapper.

The stuff of history is indeed
woven in the woof.

Pearl Harbor.

There are pages in history's book

which are written
on the grand scale.

Events so momentous
that they dwarf man and time alike.

And such is
the Battle of Pearl Harbor,

re-enacted for us now by the women
of the Batley Townswomen's Guild.

CANNING: Miss Fairbanks, you organized
this reconstruction of the battle. Why?

Well, we've always been extremely
interested in modern drama.

We were, of course,
the first townswomen's guild

to perform
Camp on Blood Island.

And last year,
of course, we did

our extremely popular re-enactment
of Nazi war atrocities.

So this year, we thought we'd like
to do something in a lighter vein.

CANNING: So you chose
the Battle of Pearl Harbor?

Yes, that's right,
we did.

CANNING:
Well, I can see you're all ready to go,

so I'll just wish you good luck
in your latest venture.

Thank you very much,
young man.

CANNING: Ladies and gentlemen,
The World of History is proud

to present the premiere of the
Batley Townswomen's Guild

re-enactment of
the Battle of Pearl Harbor.

[WHISTLE SOUNDS]

[ALL SCREAMING]

The Battle of Pearl Harbor.

Incidentally, I'm sorry if I got a little
bit shirty earlier on in the programme

when I kept getting interrupted by all these
films and things that kept coming in, but I--

[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]

[GUNSHOTS]

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[YELLING AND WHOOPING]

And so I said if it happened again, I'd get
very angry and talk to Lord Hill and--

[HUMMING]

CANNING:
Tell Lord Hill.

[♪♪♪]

[MAN GRUNTS]