Original subtitles

[MAN PANTING]

It's...

[♪ ♪ ♪]

NARRATOR: Monty Python's Flying Circus.

[GUITAR AND CASTANETS PLAYING]

[ALL SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

[ALL CATCALLING]

[SINGING IN SPANISH]

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

[SHOUTS IN SPANISH]

[ALL SINGING IN SPANISH]

[ALL SHOUT IN SPANISH]

Fine.

ORGY-

And now for something completely different:

A man with a tape recorder up his nose.

[ORCHESTRA PLAYING LA MARSEILLAISE ON TAPE]

[MUSIC STOPS]

[TAPE REWINDING]

[ORCHESTRA PLAYING LA MARSEILLAISE ON TAPE]

[MUSIC STOPS]

ANNOUNCER [ON TAPE]:And now for something completely different:

The office of Sir George Head, O,B,E,.

Next, please.

[DOOR OPENS]

Ah, one at a time, please.

There is only me, sir.

So there is. Take a, um...

[SNAPPING FINGERS]

Seat? Seat. Seat. Take a seat.

So you want to join my mountaineering expedition, do you?

Me, sir? Yes.

Yes, I'd very much like to, sir. Jolly good. Jolly good.

And how about you?

There is only me, sir.

Well, bang goes his application then. Now, let me fill you in.

I'm leading this expedition,

and we're going to climb both peaks of Mount Kilimanjaro.

I thought there was only one peak, sir.

Well, that'll save a bit of time. Well done.

Now, the object of this expedition

is to see if we can find any traces of last year's expedition.

Last year's expedition? Yes, my brother was leading that.

They were going to build a bridge between the two peaks.

My idea, I'm afraid.

Now, I ought to-- I ought to tell you

that I have practically everyone that I need for this expedition.

So, what special qualifications do you have?

Well, sir-- Yes, you first.

There is only me, sir. I wasn't talking to you. Carry on.

Well, I'm a fully qualified mountaineer.

Mountaineer?

Mountaineer. Where the devil are they?

"Mound. Mountain.

A mountaineer:

Two men skilled in climbing mountains."

My God, that would be useful. Jolly good. Well, you're in.

Congratulations, both of you.

Now, what are your names? Arthur Wilson.

Arthur Wilson. Right. Well, look, I'll call you "Arthur Wilson One"

and you "Arthur Wilson Two" just to avoid confusion.

Are you actually leading this expedition, sir?

Yes, we are leading this expedition to Africa.

And what routes will you both be taking?

Good questions. Shall I? Fine.

Well, we'll be leaving on January the 22nd

and taking the following routes.

The A23s through Purleys, down onto the main roads near Purbrights,

avoiding Leatherheads,

and then taking the A231s, entering Rottingdeans from the north.

From Rottingdeans we go through Africa to Nairobis.

We take the south road out of Nairobis for about 12 miles

and then ask.

Does anyone speak Swahili, sir?

Oh, yes, I think most of them do down there.

Does anyone in our party speak Swahili, sir?

Well, Matron's got a smattering. Apart from the two Matrons.

Good God, I'd forgotten about her.

Apart from them, who else is coming on the expedition, sir?

Well, we've got the Arthur Brown twins,

two botanists called Machin, the William Johnston brothers--

Two of them? No, four of them.

Pair of identical twins.

And a couple of the Ken Spinoza quads.

The other two pulled out. And of course, you two.

And none of these are mountaineers? Well, you two are.

And we've got a brace of guides called Jimmy Blenkinsop.

Because Kilimanjaro is a pretty tricky climb, you know.

Most of it's up, until you reach the very, very top,

and then it tends to slope away rather sharply.

But Jimmy's put his heads together and worked out a way up. Jimmy? Ah.

Hello. I don't believe you've met.

Jimmy Blenkinsop, Arthur Wilson. Arthur Wilson, Jimmy Blenkinsop.

Arthur Wilson Two, Jimmy Blenkinsop One.

Jimmy Blenkinsop One, Arthur Wilson Two.

Carry on Jimmies. Excuse me.

Don't worry about the: We'll get him up somehow.

Now, the approach to Kilimanjaro is quite simply over the foothills

and then we go on after that up to set a base camp

somewhere in the region of the bottom of the glacier,

when, after the glacier, we'll find...

And of course we'll have a rather difficult climb...

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

[CLATTERING AND CRASHING]

He'll be leading the first assault.

Well, I'm afraid I shan't be coming on your expedition, sir.

As I've absolutely no confidence in anyone involved in it.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Oh, dear.

Well, how about you? Well, I'm game, sir.

So are we.

BOTH: And now for something completely different:

A man with a tape recorder up his brother's nose.

[ORCHESTRA PLAYING LA MARSEILLAISE ON TAPE]

[MUSIC STOPS]

[TAPE REWINDING]

[ANNOUNCER SPEAKS ON-SCREEN TEXT]

[ORCHESTRA PLAYING LA MARSEILLAISE ON TAPES]

[MUSIC STOPS]

Thank you. Thank you.

[SPEAKING IN LATIN]

Have you ever considered the advantages

of owning a really fine set of encyclopaedias?

For only 10-- George.

Louise, I told you never to call me at the office.

George.

[KISSING]

GEORGE: Okay, stop it.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[SPEAKING IN LATIN]

[MAN MUTTERING]

Congratulations, sir, you've just won this lovely Kewpie Doll.

MAN: Get off!

And get a haircut, you pansy!

Good morning.

Morning, sir. Morning. Morning.

I'll be with you in a minute. Oh, fine, fine.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

[BARBER HUMMING]

[INSTRUMENTS CLATTERING]

[WHISTLING]

[SNIFFLING]

[GRUNTING]

Ah. Um... How--? How would you like it, sir?

Oh, just short back and sides, please.

How do you do that?

Well, just ordinary short back and sides.

It's not a razor cut?

Razor, razor, razor, razor, cut, blood, spurt, artery, murder!

Oh, thank God. Thank God.

It's just scissors. Yes, yes.

You wouldn't rather have it just combed, would you, sir?

Beg your pardon?

You wouldn't rather forget all about it?

No, no, no, I want it cut. Cut, cut, cut!

Blood, spurt, artery, murder, Hitchcock, Psycho, blood! Damn it!

Right, sir. Well, I'll--

I'll get everything ready. Good.

In the meantime, perhaps you'd fill in one of these.

Oh, right. Fine, yes.

Excuse me? What?

Where it says "next of kin" shall I put "mother"?

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

All right, there we are.

Ah. Thank you.

Right.

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

[WHISTLING]

[GULPING]

Ah!

[GRUNTING]

There, I've finished. You've what?

I finished cutting, cutting, cutting, cutting, cutting your hair! It's all done.

But you haven't started cutting it. I have.

I did it very quickly, Your Honour. Sir, sir, sir.

Look here, old fellow, I know when a chap's cut my hair and when he hasn't.

So will you please stop fooling around and get on with it?

Yes. Yes, I will, sir.

I'm gonna cut your hair, sir.

I'm gonna start cutting your hair, sir. Start cutting now.

[SCISSORS SNIPPING ON TAPE]

BARBER [ON TAPE]: Nice day, sir. Yes.

Flowers could do with a drop of rain though.

You see the match last night, sir? Yeah. Good game, I thought.

I thought Hurst played well, sir. Beg your pardon'?

I thought Hurst played well, sir. Oh, yes. Only one who did though.

Can you put your head down a little? Oh, sorry, sorry.

[ELECTRIC RAZOR WHIRRING ON TAPE]

I prefer to watch Palace nowadays.

Oh, sorry. Was that your ear? No, no. Didn't feel a thing.

Hey, what's going on? Look, I came here for a haircut!

Yes, it is a nice spot, isn't it? It looks very nice.

It's exactly the same as when I first came in.

Right. That's the lot then. All right.

All right, I confess, I haven't cut your hair.

I hate cutting hair.

I have this terrible, uncontrollable fear whenever I see hair.

When I was a kid, I used to hate the sight of hair being cut.

My mother said I was a fool.

She said the only way to cure it was to become a barber. So I spent five ghastly years

at the Hairdressers' Training Centre at Totnes.

Can you imagine what it's like

cutting the same head for five years?

I didn't want to be a barber anyway.

I wanted to be a lumberjack.

Leaping from tree to tree

as they float down the mighty rivers of British Columbia.

The giant redwood, the larch, the fir,

the mighty Scots pine.

The smell of fresh-cut timber.

[PIANO PLAYING AND CHORUS SINGING]

The crash of mighty trees.

With my best girlie by my side,

we'd sing, sing, sing.

[SINGING] I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay

I sleep all night, I work all day

[SINGING] He's a lumberjack and he's okay

He sleeps all night And he works all day

I cut down trees, I eat my lunch

I go to the lavatory

On Wednesdays I go shopping

And have buttered scones for tea

He cuts down trees He eats his lunch

He goes to the lavatory

On Wednesdays he goes shopping

And has buttered scones for tea

He's a lumberjack and he's okay

He sleeps all night And he works all day

I cut down trees, I skip and jump

I like to press wildflowers

I put on women's clothing

And hang around in bars

He cuts down trees He skips and jumps

He likes to press wildflowers

He puts on women's clothing

And hangs around in bars?

He's a lumberjack and he's okay

He sleeps all night And he works all day

I cut down trees, I wear high heels

Suspenders and a bra

I wish I'd been a girlie

Just like my dear mama

He cuts down trees He wears high heels

Suspenders and a bra?

BARBER: I wish I'd been a girlie

Just like my dear mama

Oh, Bevis.

And I thought you were so rugged.

MAN: Dear sir, I wish to complain in the strongest possible terms

about the song which you have just broadcast

about the lumberjack who wears women's clothes.

Many of my best friends are lumberjacks

and only a few of them are transvestites.

Yours faithfully, Brigadier Sir Charles Arthur Strong, Mrs.

P.S. I have never kissed the editor of The Radio Times.

Well, I object to all this sex on the television.

I mean, I keep falling off.

[♪ ♪ ♪]

Well, I think television's killed real entertainment.

In the old days, we used to make our own fun at Christmas parties.

I used to strike myself on the head repeatedly with blunt instruments

while crooning:

[SINGING "ONLY MAKE BELIEVE"]

Oh! Ow.

[PIANO PLAYS]

[CROWD APPLAUDING]

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,

and welcome to the Refreshment Room here at Bletchley.

My name is Kenny Lust and I'm your compere for tonight.

You know, once in a while, it is my pleasure and my privilege

to welcome here at the Refreshment Room

some of the truly great international artists of our time.

And tonight we have one such artist.

Ladies and gentlemen,

someone whom I've always personally admired,

perhaps more deeply, more strongly,

more abjectly than any other performer.

A man-- Well, more than a man, a god.

A great god whose personality is so totally and utterly wonderful

that my feeble words of welcome sound wretchedly

and pathetically inadequate.

Someone whose boots I would gladly lick clean

until holes wore through my tongue.

A man who is so totally and utterly wonderful

that I would rather be sealed in a pit of my own filth

than dare tread on the same stage with him.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the incomparably superior human being,

Harry Fink.

MAN: He can't come.

Never mind. He's not all he's cracked up to be.

Ladies and gentlemen,

we give you Ken Buddha and his inflatable knees.

[KNEES MAKE BANGING NOISE]

Ken Buddha: A smile, two bangs and a religion.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, for your further entertainment,

Brian Islam and Brucie.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

So anyway, I became a barber. Oh, poor chap.

Yes, pity, really. I always preferred the outdoor life.

Hunting, shooting, fishing.

Getting out there with a gun, slaughtering a few of God's creatures.

That was the life.

Charging about the moorland, blasting their heads off.

[♪ ♪ ♪]

[MEN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

[GUNSHOT]

[MAN YELLS]

I'm sorry, we don't need you this week.

And now for something completely different.

[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING ON RECORD]

Would you mind terribly

if I held your hand?

Oh. Oh, no, not at all.

Oh, Iris, you're so very beautiful.

Oh. Oh, do you really mean that?

I do, I do, I do.

I think I'm beginning to fall in love with you.

Oh, Victor. Silly, isn't it?

No. No, not at all, dear sweet Victor.

No, I didn't mean that.

Only, just us being so close together for so many months

in the soft-toy department, and yet never daring to--

Oh. Oh, Victor. Oh, Iris.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Who can that be? Oh, well, you try and get rid of them.

Yes, I will. I will. Yes.

Won't be a moment.

Hello. Hello.

Remember me? No, I--

In the pub, the tall, thin one with the moustache?

Remember? No, I'm afraid--

About three years ago? No, I don't, I'm afraid.

Blimey, it's dark in here. That's better.

You said we must have a drink together sometime.

So I thought I'd take you up on it,

as the film society meeting was cancelled this evening.

Look, to be frank, it is a little awkward this evening.

Hello. I'm Arthur, Arthur Name.

Name by name, but not by nature.

I always say that, don't I, Vicky boy? Really?

Is that your wife? No, actually, but--

Oh, I get the picture.

Eh? Well, don't worry about me, Vicky boy, I know all about one-night stands.

I beg your pardon?

Mind if I change the record? No, no, look, we put that on.

Oh, here's a good one. I heard it in a pub. What's brown--?

What's brown and sounds like a bell? I beg your pardon?

What's brown and sounds like a bell?

"Dung."

That is a good one. I like that one.

I won't keep you long.

["LIBERTY BELL MARCH" PLAYING ON RECORD]

That's better.

Now, don't worry about me. I'll wait here until you're finished.

What?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Who the hell is that? I'll get it. It'll be friends of mine.

I took the liberty of inviting them along.

Look, we were hoping to have a quiet evening on our own.

They won't mind. They're very broad-minded.

Hello. Good evening.

Good evening.

My name is Equator, Brian Equator,

like round the middle of the Earth, only with an L.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

This is my wife, Audrey. She smells a bit, but she has a heart of gold.

There must've been some kind of misunderstanding because--

Who's that then? Who's the bird? What? Well--

Say, you got a nice pair there, haven't you, love? Go on, give us a kiss.

[IRIS SCREAMS]

Shut up, you silly bitch. It was only a bit of fun.

Now, now, look here, I've-- Big gin, please. Big gin.

I'll get it. No, leave those drinks alone.

And three cans of beans for me, please.

I told you to lay off the beans, you whore!

I only want three cans! Button your lip, you ratbag!

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Was rather witty, wasn't it? Where's my gin?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Who the hell's that?

Oh, I took the liberty

of inviting an old friend along, as his wife has just passed away.

And he's somewhat distraught, poor chap. Hope you don't mind.

ARTHUR: Come on in. Well--

Oh, my God, what a simply ghastly place.

Yeah. It's not too good, is it?

A pint of crème de menthe for my friend.

Well, how are you, you great poof?

Bit lumpy.

[CAT WHIMPERS]

Ah, no wonder, I was sitting on the cat.

[IRIS CRYING]

I brought along a simply gorgeous little man

I picked up at the Odeon.

Is he sexy then?

I had to bring the goat. He's not well.

I only hope he don't go on the carpet.

Come on, then, love. Drop them.

[SCREAMS]

Blimey, she don't go much, do she?

Oh, I wet them.

The goat's just done a bundle.

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

Now, look, get out, all of you. Go on, get out!

Get out! Get out! I beg your pardon?

I'm turning you all out. I'm not having my house filled with filthy perverts.

Now, look, I'm giving just half a minute, and then I'm gonna call the police, so get out!

I don't much like the tone of your voice.

Right. Let's have a "Ding Dong."

[PIANO PLAYING]

[ALL SINGING "DING DONG MERRILY ON HIGH"]

[GUNSHOT]

[GULPS]

[PEOPLE SHOUT IN SPANISH]

[♪ ♪ ♪]