Original subtitles

[GLASS CLINKS]

[SLURPS]

Ah!

[HUMMING]

It's...

NARRATOR: Monty Python's Flying Circus.

[♪ ♪ ♪]

Speaking as a public-opinion poll,

I've had enough of the permissive society.

I haven't had enough of the permissive society.

I would not appear in a frontal nude scene unless it was valid.

NARRATOR: In 1943, British army officers working deep behind enemy lines

carried out one of the most dangerous and heroic raids

in the history of warfare.

But that's as maybe.

And now...

[KNOCKING]

Come in.

What do you want? I'd like to leave the army, please, sir.

Good heavens, man, why? It's dangerous.

What?

There are people with guns out there, sir.

What? Real guns, sir. Not toy ones, sir.

Proper ones, sir. They've all got them.

All of them, sir. And some of them have got tanks.

Watkins, they are on our side. And grenades, sir.

And machine guns, sir. So I'd like to leave, sir,

before I get killed, please.

Watkins, you've only been in the army a day.

I know, sir, but people get killed.

Properly dead, sir. No barley cross fingers, sir.

Apparently, sir, a bloke was telling me if you're in the army

and there's a war, you have to go and fight.

That's true.

Well, I mean.

Blimey, I mean if it was a big war somebody could be hurt.

Watkins, why did you join the army?

For the water-skiing and for the travel, sir.

And not for the killing, sir.

I asked them to put it on my form, sir: "No killing."

Watkins, are you a pacifist? No, sir. I'm not a pacifist, sir.

I'm a coward.

That's a very silly line.

Sit down. Yes, sir. Silly, sir.

Awfully bad.

Two civilian gentlemen to see you, sir.

COLONEL: Show them in, please, sergeant.

Mr. Dino Vercotti

and Mr. Luigi Vercotti.

Morning, colonel.

Morning, gentlemen. Now, what can I do for you?

You've, uh...

You've got a nice army base here, colonel.

Yes.

We wouldn't want anything to happen to it.

What? No, what my brother means is,

it would be a shame if--

Oh! Oh, sorry, colonel.

Don't worry about that. But please do sit down.

No, we prefer to stand, thank you, colonel.

All right, all right. What do you want?

What do we want?

[VERCOTTIS LAUGHING]

Very good, colonel. The colonel's a joker, Luigi.

Explain it to the colonel, Dino.

How many tanks you got, colonel?

About 500 altogether.

Five hundred, eh? You ought to be careful, colonel.

We are careful. Extremely careful.

Because things break, don't they?

Break? Well, everything breaks,

don't it, colonel?

Oh, dear. See, my brother's clumsy, colonel.

And when he gets unhappy he breaks things.

Like, say he don't feel the army's playing fair by him,

he may start breaking things, colonel.

What is all this about?

How many men you got here, colonel?

On, uh...

Seven thousand infantry, 600 artillery

and two divisions of paratroops. Paratroops, Dino.

Oh, be a shame if someone was to set fire to them.

Set fire to them? Fires happen, colonel.

Things burn.

Look, what is all this about?

My brother and I have got a little proposition for you, colonel.

Could save you a lot of bother.

I mean, you're doing all right here, aren't you, colonel?

But suppose some of your tanks was to get broken

and troops started getting lost.

Fights started breaking out during general inspection, like.

It wouldn't be good for business, would it, colonel?

Are you threatening me?

Oh. No, no, no.

Whatever made you think that, colonel?

The colonel doesn't think we're nice people.

We're your buddies, colonel.

We want to look after you.

Look after me?

We can guarantee you

that not a single armoured division will get done over

for 15 bob a week. No.

Twelve and 6. Eight and 6. No, no, no.

Five bob. No, this is silly.

What's silly? No, the whole premise is silly

and it's very badly written.

I'm the senior officer here and I haven't had a funny line yet.

So I'm stopping it. You can't do that.

I've done it. The sketch is over.

I want to leave the army, please, sir. It's dangerous.

Look, I stopped your sketch five minutes ago, so get out of shot.

Right. Director?

Close up. Zoom in on me.

That's better. LUIGI: It's only because

you couldn't think of a punch line. Not true. Not true.

It's time for the cartoon.

Cue telecine.

Ten, nine, eight--

DINO: General public's not gonna understand this, are they?

COLONEL: Shut up, you Eyeties.

[MAN HUMMING]

[CHUCKLING]

MAN: What the devil's going on here?

Hey. Hey, what's going--? What's happening here? Hey.

Hey, wait a minute. Hey. Hey.

Stop that.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Ladies and gents, here it is, the show you've been waiting for, the show you've heard so much about.

This is the show that gives you what you want the way you like it.

So move right up front for full-frontal nudity.

[MAN APPLAUDING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

MAN: Sit down.

I'm sorry.

Strawberries and whipped cream, sweetie?

MAN: Sit down!

[BELL CHIMES]

[MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY OVER SPEAKER]

MAN [OVER SPEAKER]:--please move it, as it's causing an obstruction.

[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING]

MAN: Oh, my God.

[TYRES SCREECHING AND HORNS HONKING]

Wasn't that just great, ladies and gents? Admittedly a few problems, a few disappointments--

Shut up, you pansy.

I paid for full-frontal nudity and I'm gonna get some.

Tough luck, sailor.

Full-frontal nudity? Never. What do you think, Barbara?

Oh, no, no, no. Unless it was perfectly valid, of course.

Full-frontal nudity?

Yes, I'd do it, if it was valid.

If the money was valid.

And if it were a small part.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Good evening.

I'd like to talk to you tonight about the place of the nude in my bed-- Um...

In the history of my bed--

Of art. Art. I'm sorry.

The place of the nude in the history of tart-- Call girl-- I'm sorry.

I'll start again.

Bum. Oh, what a giveaway.

The place of the nude in--

Hello there, Father. Confessor. Professor. Your Honour. Your grace.

I'm not your Grace, I'm your Elsie.

What a terrible joke.

But it's my only line.

[NARRATOR READING ON-SCREEN TEXT]

[WOMAN CHOKING]

[MAN PANTING]

We want to buy a bed, please.

Oh, certainly. I'll get someone to attend to you.

Mr. Verity.

Can I help you, sir? Ah, yes. We'd like to buy a bed.

A double bed, about 50 pounds. Oh, no, I'm afraid not, sir.

Our cheapest bed is 800 pounds, sir.

Eight hundred pounds?

Oh, uh, perhaps I should have explained. Mr. Verity does tend to exaggerate,

so every figure he gives you will be 10 times too high.

Otherwise he's perfectly all right.

Perfectly.

Oh, I see.

I see. So your cheapest bed is 80 pounds?

Eight hundred pounds, yes, sir. And how wide is it?

The width is 60 feet wide.

Six foot wide, eh? And the length?

The length is...

Lambert? LAMBERT: Hm?

What is the length of the Comfydown Majorette?

Two foot long. Two foot long?

Yes. You have to remember, of course, to multiply everything Mr. Lambert says by three.

It's nothing he can help, you understand. Apart from that, he's perfectly all right.

I see, I'm sorry. But it does mean

that when he says a bed is 2 foot wide

it is in fact 60 feet wide.

Yes, I see. And that's not counting the mattress.

Oh, how much is that?

Lambert will be able to help you there. Lambert?

LAMBERT: Hm? Will you show these 20 good people

the dog kennel, please? LAMBERT: Certainly.

Dog kennel? No, no, no, mattresses. Mattress.

Oh, no, no, you have to say "dog kennel" to Mr. Lambert,

because if you say "mattress" he puts a bag over his head.

I should have explained. Apart from that, he's really all right.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Ah. Um, we'd like to see the dog kennels, please.

Dog kennels? Yes, we want to see the dog kennels.

Ah, yes, well, that's the pets department, second floor.

No, no, no, we want to see the dog kennels.

Yes, pets department, second floor.

No, no, no, we don't really want to see dog kennels,

only your colleague said we ought to--

Oh, dear, what's he been telling you now?

Well, he said we should say "dog kennel" to you

instead of "mattress."

Hello, hello?

Did you say "mattress"? A little, yes.

I did ask you not to say "mattress," didn't I?

Now I've got to stand in the tea chest.

[SINGING "AND DID THOSE FEET IN ANCIENT TIME"]

Did somebody say "mattress" to Mr. Lambert?

[BOTH SINGING]

He should be all right now, but don't...

You know, just don't. Oh, no, no, no.

We'd like to see the dog kennels, please.

Yes, second floor. No, no, look.

These dog kennels here, see?

Mattresses? Oh, yes.

Well, if you meant "mattress," why didn't you say "mattress"?

I mean, it's very confusing for me if you're going to say "dog kennel" when you mean "mattress."

Why not just say "mattress"?

Well, I mean you put a bag over your head last time I said "mattress."

[SINGING]

[BOTH SINGING]

Did somebody say "mattress" to Mr. Lambert?

Twice.

Hey, everybody, somebody said "mattress" to Mr. Lambert twice.

[ALL snuenue]

We need more.

[ALL SINGING "AND DID THOSE FEET IN ANCIENT TIME"]

[ALL SINGING]

Now, can I help you?

We want a mattress.

Oh, why did you say that? What did you say that for?

But it's my only line.

Well, you didn't have to say it.

[BRIDE SOBBING]

Full-frontal nudity? Not in this part of Esher.

I would only perform a scene

in which there was total frontal nudity.

Now, I've noticed a tendency for this program to get rather silly.

Now, I do my best to keep things moving along,

but I'm not having things getting silly.

Those last two sketches I did got very silly indeed.

And that last one about the bed was even sillier.

Now, nobody likes a good laugh more than I do.

Except perhaps my wife and some of her friends.

Oh, yes, and Captain Johnston.

Come to think of it, most people like a good laugh more than I do,

but that's beside the point. Now, let's have a good, clean, healthy, outdoor sketch.

Get some air into your lungs.

Ten, nine, eight, and all that.

COLONEL: Ah, yes, that's better.

Now, let's hope this doesn't get silly.

Hello, are you a hermit by any chance?

Yes, that's right.

Are you a hermit? Yes, I certainly am.

Well, I never.

What are you getting away from? Oh, you know, the usual:

People, chat, gossip, you know. Oh, I certainly do.

It was the same with me. I mean, there comes a time when you realize

there's no good frittering your life away

in idleness and trivial chitchat.

Where's your cave? Oh, up the goat track, first on the left.

Oh, they're very nice up there, aren't they?

Yes, they've got the view, you see. A bit drafty though, are they?

No, we've had ours insulated. Oh, yes?

Yes, I used birds' nests, moss, and oak leaves around the outside.

Oh, sounds marvellous. Oh, it's a treat, it really is,

because otherwise those stone caves can be so grim.

FRANK: Yes, they really can be, can't they? They really can.

Morning, Frank. Morning, Norman.

Talking of moss, you know Mr. Robinson?

With the green loincloth?

No, that's Mr. Seagrave. Oh, yeah.

Mr. Robinson's the hermit who lodges with Mr. Seagrave.

Oh, I see, yes. Yes, well, he's put me onto Wattles.

Really? Yes.

Swears by them. Yes.

Morning, Frank. Oh, morning, Lionel.

Well, he says that moss

tends to fall off the cave wall during cold weather.

You know, you might get a really bad spell

and half the moss drops off the cave wall, leaving you cold.

Oh, well, Mr. Robinson's cave's never been exactly nirvana has it?

Well, quite, that's what I mean.

Anyway, Mr. Rogers, he's the hermit--

On the end. Up at the top, yes.

Well, he tried wattles and he came out in a rash.

Really? Yes,

and there's me with half a wall wattled. I mean, what'll I do?

Why don't you try birds' nests, like I've done? Or else,

dead bracken. Frank!

Yes, Han? Can I borrow your goat?

Yes, that'll be all right. Oh, leave me a pint for breakfast, will you?

I couldn't see it. You know, that's the trouble with living halfway up a cliff.

You feel so cut off.

You know, it takes me two hours every morning to get out onto the moors,

collect my berries, chastise myself, and two hours back in the evening.

Still is one thing about being a hermit, at least you meet people.

Oh, yes, I wouldn't go back to public relations.

Oh, well, bye for now, Frank. Must toddle--

Right. You two hermits, stop that sketch. I think it's silly.

What? Go on. It's silly.

You can't stop it. It's on film.

That doesn't make any difference to the viewer at home, does it?

Go on, get out. Out with you. Come on, out, all of you.

Get off. Go on, all of you. Get that bloody camera out of here.

Go on, move, move.

Get out! I'm doing an interview.

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

Go on, get out.

Come on, get on. Move.

COLONEL: You lot, sod off. Move. Move.

[ALL CHATTERING]

[♪ ♪ ♪]

[RAGTIME MUSIC PLAYING]

Hello, I wish to register a complaint.

Hello, miss?

What do you mean, "miss"?

Oh, I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint.

Sorry, we're closing for lunch. Never mind that, my lad.

I wish to complain about this parrot what I purchased

not half an hour ago from this very boutique.

Oh, yes. The Norwegian Blue. What's wrong with it?

I'll tell you what's wrong with it.

It's dead, that's what's wrong with it.

No, no, it's resting. Look.

Look, my lad, I know a dead parrot when I see one,

and I'm looking at one right now.

No, no, sir, it's not dead. It's resting.

Resting? Yeah.

Remarkable bird, the Norwegian Blue. Beautiful plumage, innit?

The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.

No, no, it's resting. All right then.

If it's resting, I'll wake it up.

Hello, Polly.

I've got a nice cuttlefish for you when you wake up, Polly Parrot.

There, it moved. No, it didn't.

That was you pushing the cage. I did not.

Yes, you did.

Hello, Polly.

Polly.

Polly Parrot, wake up.

Polly.

Now, that's what I call a dead parrot.

No, no. It's stunned.

Look, my lad, I've had just about enough of this.

That parrot is definitely deceased.

And when I bought it not half an hour ago,

you assured me that its lack of movement

was due to it being tired and shagged out after a long squawk.

It's probably pining for the fjords. Pining for the fjords?

What kind of talk is that?

Look, why did it fall flat on its back the moment I got it home?

The Norwegian Blue prefers kipping on its back.

It's a beautiful bird, lovely plumage.

Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot.

And I discovered that the only reason

it had been sitting on its perch in the first place

was that it had been nailed there.

Of course it was nailed there.

Otherwise it would have muscled up to those bars and voom!

Look, matey...

this parrot wouldn't "voom" if I put 4000 volts through it.

It's bleeding demised.

It's not, it's pining.

It's not pining, it's passed on.

This parrot is no more.

It has ceased to be.

It's expired and gone to meet its maker.

This is a late parrot.

It's a stiff.

Bereft of life, it rests in peace.

If you hadn't nailed it to the perch, it would be pushing up the daisies.

It's rung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible.

This is an ex-parrot.

Well, I'd better replace it, then.

If you want to get anything done in this country,

you gotta complain till you're blue in the mouth.

Sorry, guv, we're right out of parrots.

I see. I see. I get the picture.

I've got a slug.

Does it talk? Not really, no.

Well, it's scarcely a replacement then, is it?

Listen, I'll tell you what. Tell you what.

If you go to my brother's pet shop in Bolton, he'll replace your parrot for you.

Bolton, eh? Yeah.

All right.

[WHISTLING]

Excuse me.

This is Bolton, is it? No, no, it's Ipswich.

That's InterCity Rail for you.

[DOORBELL RINGING]

[DOOR CLOSES]

[MAN WHISTLING]

I wish to make a complaint.

I don't have to do this, you know.

I beg your pardon. I'm a qualified brain surgeon.

I only do this because I like being me own boss.

Excuse me, this is irrelevant, isn't it?

Oh, yeah, it's not easy to pad these out to 30 minutes.

Well, I wish to make a complaint.

I got on the Bolton train and found myself deposited here in Ipswich.

No, no, this is Bolton.

The pet shop owner's brother was lying.

Well, you can't blame British Rail for that.

If this is Bolton, I shall return to the pet shop.

I understand that this is Bolton.

Yeah. Well, you told me it was Ipswich.

It was a pun.

A pun? No, no, not a pun, no.

What's the other thing which reads the same backwards as forwards?

A palindrome? Yeah, yeah.

It's not a palindrome.

The palindrome of Bolton would be Notlob.

It don't work. Look, what do you want?

No, I'm sorry.

I'm not prepared to pursue my line of inquiry any further,

as I think this is getting too silly.

Quite agree. Quite agree. Silly, silly, silly.

Right. Get on with it.

Get on with it.

Oh! Ah.

Oh, I'm sorry.

And now, um,

frontal nudity.

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought the film was longer.

Now, Notlob. Bolton.

REPORTER: This is a frightened city.

Over these houses, over these streets,

hangs a pall of fear.

Fear of a new kind of violence

which is terrorizing the city.

Yes, gangs of old ladies,

attacking defenseless, fit young men.

[MEN GRUNTING]

WOMAN: Take that!

[♪ ♪ ♪]

MAN 1: Well, they come up to you, like, and push you. You know.

Shove you off the pavement, like.

There's usually four or five of them.

MAN 2: Yeah, this used to be a nice neighbourhood

before the old ladies started moving in.

Nowadays some of us daren't even go down to the shops.

Well, Mr. Johnson's son Kevin, he don't go out anymore.

He comes back from wrestling and locks himself in his room.

[WOMEN LAUGHING]

REPORTER: What are they in it for, these old hoodlums,

these layabouts in lace?

WOMAN 1: Well, it's something to do, isn't it?

WOMAN 2: It's good fun.

WOMAN 3: It-- It's like...

you know, well, innit, eh?

REPORTER: Favourite targets for the old ladies are telephone kiosks.

[LAUGHING]

Well, come on, come on. Off with you.

Clear out. Go on, what.

Get out of it.

We have a lot of trouble with these oldies.

Pension day is the worst. They go mad.

Soon as they get their hands on their money

they blow it all on milk, bread, tea, tin of meat for the cat.

Yes, well, of course, come the 2:00 matinee

all hell breaks out in there.

Especially if it's something like The Sound of Music.

We get seats ripped up,

hearing aids broken, all that sort of thing.

The whole problem of these senile delinquents

lies in their complete rejection

of the values of contemporary society.

They've seen their children grow up and become accountants,

stockbrokers and even sociologists,

and they begin to wonder, is it all really--?

[REPORTER SCREAMS]

Oh, well, we sometimes feel we're to blame

in some way for what our gran's become.

I mean, she used to be quite happy here until she--

She started on the crochet.

REPORTER: Crochet? Yeah.

Now she can't do without it.

Twenty balls of wool a day, sometimes.

If she can't get the wool, she gets violent.

What can we do about it?

REPORTER: But this is not just an old ladies' town.

There are other equally dangerous gangs,

such as the Baby Snatchers.

[ALL WHINING AND COOING]

I just left my husband outside here

while I went in to do some shopping, and I came back and he was gone.

He was only 47.

REPORTER: And on the roads too,

vicious gangs of "keep left" signs.

Right, right, stop it. This film's got silly.

Started off as a nice little idea

about grannies attacking young men, but now it's got silly.

That man's hair is too long for a vicar too.

Those signs are pretty badly made.

Right, now for a complete change of mood.

I've heard of unisex but I've never had it.

NARRATOR: David Hemmings appeared by permission

of the National Forestry Commission.

[♪ ♪ ♪]

[BOMB TICKING]