Original subtitles

Look at me go.

Leading an army of half-dead zombie warriors on a quest to save a princess.

Now that is solid hero stuff. One of your most heroic scenarios, sir.

Legendary. Totally.

Though you have to admit, when the flesh hits the road, it does feel just a bit

challenging, does it not?

No,

guys. Guys, go around the tree. Go around.

I don't know why I bother.

I mean, they're basically useless, aren't they?

Yeah, pretty much.

Although I have noticed they are quite drawn to you, sir.

Maybe it's because you were briefly dead.

Oh, yeah.

And why was that, Sid?

Why was I briefly dead?

I told you how bad I feel about that.

Are you ever going to let it go? Oh, you mean like when you let go of the sword

and it flew through the air, sticking into my chest, temporarily killing me?

So I'll take that as a no, then.

Right.

We're almost to Valencia.

I'm going to scout ahead to that castle, see if it's truly empty.

Wow.

Valencia.

Seems like just yesterday I was the worst tyrant this land has ever seen.

Life is weird.

Yeah, cuckoo bananas. You stay here with Roberta.

I think that's a great idea.

Don't you, Richard?

Hey, Gallivan, good story I want to tell you.

I need your advice.

I really want to kiss Roberta.

And stuff. And I think the timing is right, but did she say she likes me? Get

to the point.

Do I ask her? Do I just grab her and kiss her?

Sneak up behind her in dark clothing, shout boo and kiss her when she's

screaming? What? Look, I would love to help you. I've sort of got more

important things to do, OK? But no, no, definitely don't do the boo version.

It's all frowned upon.

OK? Good girl.

No boo version.

Good to know.

Look, guys, guys, guys.

You can't go with me. I'm sneaking.

No, seriously.

Just... I'm trying to do a secret castle scout.

Just... Oh, for the love of God.

Yeah. Yeah, all right. Come on.

That's to ask you.

Hey, what's your favorite tree? Because kids these days are all into oaks, but I

like a spruce. Oh, my God.

That was wonderful.

So we'll just stand here and listen to this happen, then, I guess.

A leg of truce. Nothing to worry about.

Guaranteed safe passage.

Super poor form to kill us.

Will you stop it? You're making us look like tools.

We are tools.

Tools that will be used to make the Valencian swords dull. With murder!

Sorry, I'm nervous. My jokes get kind of weird.

We'll be fine.

Sure, we can't defeat the Valencians with my cousin's toy army.

But terms of surrender are always offered before a battle.

Easy peasy, pudding and pie.

We're going to pudding and die.

I'll try and pull it together.

This was such a good idea.

I think getting out of the castle was great for us, you know?

It's never like a good old war camp.

Fresh air, sounds of nature, and the promise of getting to kill people.

It just really gives a man a lift, you know what I mean?

Yeah, it's nice.

What?

Flag of truth?

No, no, no, no, no, no. What is she doing here?

She's probably come to discuss terms of surrender.

I don't... I want her to surrender. I want to kill her.

Jareth. Not Lena.

Princess. And the fool.

Sorry,

it's pretty tense in here.

I thought we might discuss terms.

Avoid unnecessary bloodshed. Well, I kind of am here for the unnecessary

bloodshed. The rules of war dictate that... George, you're going to be lame

about this, aren't you?

Fine. Here are my terms.

Complete surrender.

Hand over your castle, your gold, your jewels, your livestock. I think that's a

bit extreme. Not done.

All the men of fighting age will be conscripted into our army.

Oh, and I want all the children to put their toys in a pile. Then I'm going to

light it on fire.

Yay, I'm having fun after all.

If I could have a moment.

These tongues are impossible.

Your terms are monstrous, but I think... Oh, and one last thing.

I want you to be my new handmaiden.

Your main duty will be cleaning my crown. That is not your crown. That

is the official crown of the Queen of Valencia. And my mother is its rightful

owner. Settle down, tiny tot. You're the one who came here to surrender.

You're going to regret calling me Tiny Todd.

Yes! Chatbot!

Finally. I've been waiting two seasons for this.

I don't like you.

I really don't like you.

I really, really, really, really want you gone.

This won't surprise you, but I despise you. You want to see it's just me

because it's on.

I'm thinner, cooler, clearly much crueler. And check out the bling, I'm

your kingdom's new ruler. Boom!

Got a jeweler to pimp out your crown.

The surf may be up, but I'm taking you down. Enough peasantry, you're queen

peasant-ly. But hon, you're just one of the peasantry. Tosher is baking and

faking the funk. You'll just have to deal. Oh, I'll deal with you, punk.

I've got

the...

You've got nothing. I've got the...

The hero's sword. That's right. The one king to unite them all.

Don't have the bearer of the one true. Oh, I most certainly do. Don't I,

Jester? Oh, yeah. Word up.

I don't like you.

I really don't like you.

You really, really, really, really cross the line.

And soon your castle and your ass will be mine.

I don't like you. I will see you on the battlefield.

You challenged this giant army to a fight, and you told them you have the

bearer of the sword of the one true king, which I might, and we don't. No

one knows who it is.

Don't get your bells in a bunch.

I lost my temper.

You heard Madelena's terms.

We have to fight, and we will win. How exactly?

Our army has no weapons.

We'll improvise.

Tell the people together anything we can use as weapons, and we will make our

stand. All right. I just wish you hadn't riled up Madelena. She seems really

pissed.

Queenie, relax.

Everything's fine.

Relax. If the one true king is really on her side, that's bad news.

The prophecy says he who pulls the sword from the stump will unite the kingdoms

under his glorious rule.

Prophecy's never wrong.

That's just science.

Look, I trained this army, and they're more than capable of handling some

stupid king with some fancy sword.

Don't worry.

Oh, you should worry.

But luckily, we have a secret weapon on our side, and that secret weapon is...

Moi.

What? France. Not only am I the most respected wedding planner in the land,

I'm also a practitioner of the dark arts.

A master of the do-do.

What's that?

The dark, dark, evil way? The do-do? Shut up, Barry!

But what he said is right.

Why do you call it the do-do?

Wouldn't it be simpler just to say the dew? Good point. No, no, no. The way

isn't just dark.

It's dark, dark.

The dew is the most powerful force to ever exist.

With it, you can control events, bend them to your will, turn everything to

your favor.

It also helped me with my stubborn tummy fat.

So all we have to do is eat this, then we have magic.

No, no. Oh, sorry. I see where the confusion lies.

This is cherry jubilee.

Something I was thinking about for your potential wedding.

Imagine a darkened hall.

Hundreds of these coming in at once. Oh, wow.

I'm in. Oh, good.

Barry, order the bowls.

I meant with to-do.

Hold on a minute.

I said I can handle this.

Come on, Gareth.

Let's do to-do.

I'll have a word with you for a minute. What's wrong?

Look, we've got... good thing going. Do you want to bring dark magic into this?

I don't know.

A little to-do might be exciting.

I think that.

It's really fancy, Tom. Yes.

Are you sure you can win the battle without it?

Positive.

Sorry, Mr. Wormwood.

No to-do.

I'll find you later.

Did you?

Are you sure they're

gone?

Well, they looked empty from the top of the hill.

Open those.

Off to invade Hortensia, back in a jiffy.

Looks like we definitely have the place to ourselves, don't we, guys?

What's going on with them? Don't know.

Oh, is that you?

You want to hear how we spent our evening?

No, he really doesn't.

We went to the lake.

Things are kind of snuggly. She led me behind a tree.

He began to shake.

It was pretty ugly.

I had given up basically.

Then, bye!

And the night was still kind of young.

When he finished crying, swept her off her feet.

Finally, we were getting jiggy. Finally,

his words were mine.

Finally, it only took three bottles of wine.

I think she knows how I feel.

Should I tell her I love her?

Oops. I think I just did.

Finally.

Finally.

Finally.

Finally.

Well, if you'll excuse us, my

girlfriend and I are going to go inside and, um...

A brunch.

We're not having brunch.

Oh, kill me.

Not you, Sid. It was just an expression.

Another good one, sir.

I'm ready to do whatever I need to join the dark, dark evil with... Excellent.

Oh, God, no, sorry.

That's beyond even me.

No, fine, give it here.

No, no, it's all right.

I'm just babysitting for one of the kitchen staff.

I was cutting up a peach for the little chap.

Oh, sorry. I thought you meant... Ah, right. So, the de-do?

You're interested?

Very. I'm in.

Let's de-do it. Oh, God, that's very funny.

Thank you.

I think with these powers, you'll definitely win the war.

And I think you'll find the do-do folks, a fun group of people to be with.

So is it like a ceremony or something? No, you just sign a contract for your

immortal soul.

Where did I put it?

Ah!

Here.

No, no, no. You don't have to sign in blood.

I just gave you the knife to hold.

A quill's fine.

Yes, but points for enthusiasm, though.

If you could, let's just keep this as our little secret.

There's no reason Gareth needs to know.

No?

Now, please step away from the baby. You really freaked me out before.

Yes, sure, of course.

I want to thank everyone for pitching in and collecting things we can use as

weapons.

But we may... to sort through and pick out the best of it.

Okay?

Right.

Pots and pans.

Very good for bonking heads.

A couple of spatulas.

A whisk.

Weren't there any knives in the kitchen?

No?

Shame. I've got a potato. It's very pointy.

I didn't find any weapons, but I'm really going to give those Valencians a

piece of my mind. Her words can be very cutting.

Well? We don't have much in the way of weapons, but we got grit and

determination.

Yeah!

I mean, it's a bit desperate, isn't it?

Come on, guys.

Show me something.

There must be more than this Amos Amble.

You were soldiers once, weren't you? Don't you remember any of that?

Huh? All right, raise your weapons.

Or not.

Maybe you'll respond to danger!

Oh, for the love of God.

I'm going to fail.

I'm going to fail.

And Isabella's going to die thinking I don't love her.

Which isn't true.

I love her to the very fibre of my being.

She'll never know.

I love her.

I came back from the dead for love.

Does love speak to you?

Will you follow me for love?

Will you fight with me for love?

Now who's with me?

Well said, my friend.

Well said.

Saddle up.

It's time for battle.

I am ready for war. Not just to sit in a comfy chair and watch up on a hill while

eating cucumber sandwiches. Although that was delightful. No, I am actually

ready to stand next to you and fight.

Sounds like you found your manhood, Richard.

Bobby found it.

A bunch of times, if you know what I'm saying, huh?

Unfortunately, I do.

That's really thick armor.

Has anyone seen Sid? There's this one strap on my arm that I can never... Oh!

Sorry, he asked me to give you... Last night.

I can't stand the shame of having briefly killed the greatest hero in the

seven realms.

I've left to redeem myself, Sid.

He doesn't need to redeem himself. I was just giving him a hard time. Mother

always said she never knew when I was joking.

Oh, I hate it when Mother is right.

We'll go find him.

Strange being in this room again.

Seems like a lifetime ago I sat on that throne.

So much has changed.

If I ever got the chance to be a king again, I would do things so differently.

Richard, I have to tell you something.

It's hard to say.

But, um... I can't go into battle with you.

What are you talking about?

Richard, you're not a fighter. And I love you too much to watch you die. And

you will die.

Horribly.

Mutilated. Who?

Crying blood.

Having soiled yourself with people trying to cut off your head.

Who? People pointing and laughing, bloating on the battlefield.

It's going to be hideous. It can be quite fun, but not for you.

Got it. I can't be part of that.

It'll destroy me. My darling, you worry too much. I'll be fine.

Yes, perhaps a bit less confident after your very charmingly graphic

description, but believe me, I'll be fine.

Let's forget this whole battle and leave and go and build a life for ourselves.

My aunt has a farm across the Lonely Sea in the shadow of Mount Pinto. It's so

beautiful. Lots of cats.

We can be happy there.

I can get us one-way tickets and... I have to do this.

I can't let Galavant down.

And I can't watch you die.

So what are we saying?

I think we're saying goodbye.

Let's make this sacrifice worth it.

For love.

For love.

It's a dark season and it's been all along.

A grim season.

There's no point in pretending.

For some reason we're still singing this song.

But this time with the duty of an ending.

What just happened? I thought. Oh, look, a squirrel.

Now I must ride to somewhere to do something to atone.

I'll cross the lonely sea to spend my lonely life alone.

Beyond the bitter desert. In the shadow of Mount Finster.

With a bunch of stupid cats.

Now this.

Caesar needs a hero and he...