Original subtitles

What's up?

Hey, aren't you that guy from the poster?

What? No, that's my cousin.

We've got different cheekbones. Who's better, the lucky bastard?

I think it's you. I'm getting that reward. Hold on, hold on.

If you hand me over, they'll kill me.

Do you really want my death on your conscience for six louthy gold pieces?

What could you even buy with that? A farm.

I could get a new wife.

I hate the old one.

I'm changing mine. I want a new wife too.

Wait, please.

Even if you deliver me to the king and queen, they'll never pay.

Look what they've done to this once-proud kingdom.

They've plundered and destroyed it and ruined all of our lives.

I mean, where's it written that those jerks get to live in the castle and

feast on lamb while the rest of us wallow in the muck and starve?

Where's it written?

The kingdom charter. Forget where it's written.

I say we storm the castle and take back what's rightfully ours.

Who's with me?

We will march and we'll fight for the cause of good and right. So the odds of

us surviving are ridiculously slight.

And we'll stand proud and tall till they come to kill us all.

Then we'll beg and plead and soil ourselves as one by one we fall.

Some they'll flash, some they'll hack. Some they'll blotch and blue and black.

Some they'll gut.

From top to bottom, some they'll mangle front to back. And we'll all realize,

as they're gouging out our eyes, that tomorrow we'll regret it, but today

we rise.

And our corpses will rot on the plain, leaving

only a gross...

it through.

Scarred for life and missing limbs and needing help to pee and poo.

They can stand beneath these skies, begging change from passerbys. Is it

hopeless? Yep, you said it. We might as well forget it. Tomorrow we'll regret

it. But today we rise. Oh my God, will we regret it?

This will happen in the last one. Okay, okay.

Let's just try giving it a kick. It worked before.

One, two, three.

Kick.

Great. It's useless.

How could things have gone so bad so quickly?

Those stupid bats ate all our food. We all got the same cold.

Worst of all... Please don't say it again.

We had to eat that family of hobbits. Well, we wouldn't have had... if you'd

let us eat your stupid iguana.

Tancuba is a dragon, and we are not eating a dragon.

He's a lizard. A very sumptuous, meaty lizard.

Richard, look, I'm sorry we had to eat Hobbit. I'm sorry we will soon have to

eat your iguana.

Dragon. But we don't have a choice. We're starving.

Oh, Lord, I mean it.

Entering the property of Sir Arnold Gallowad.

Huh.

Is there any relation of yours?

Uh... No.

Maybe.

Okay, fine. Yes, he's my dad.

Look, I knew he lived around here somewhere. I just don't want to see him.

You knew?

We ain't hobbits. Oh, forget about them. I smell backstory, and I love backstory.

Honestly, I don't want to talk about it. Can we just move on?

I'm sure we could find a warm bed and a nice meal in literally any other

direction.

Fiddlesticks.

As you all know, this is the first birthday party I've thrown for Garrus

since he became king.

If you ruin the surprise, I'll cut your tongue out with a dull knife.

Thanks for your hard work, gang. I cherish you one and all.

He's coming!

Oh, places! Everyone!

party for you, you kook.

Oh.

Come take a look at your gifts.

I think you're going to love them.

This is a bit fancy.

It's a crystal nut bulb.

Yeah.

I never fit.

No, for dinner parties.

You don't like it?

It's not that.

It's just all this oity-toity king stuff.

It's just not me.

Oh.

Okay.

So, what is you, Gareth?

I mean, if you could get anything for your birthday, what would it be?

A scar.

Every year on my birthday, we used to go down to Papa and get a good old scrap.

When I was nine years old, I went to the pub and got this one.

Greatest gift a kid could ever want.

This one, I was 14.

I left a man bleeding to death in the sawdust. He wanted me to finish him off,

but I wouldn't.

That's what we're going to do.

I'm taking you to the sleaziest tavern in Valencia to get you a new birthday

scarf.

Really?

Where's Wormwood?

My plan is almost ready, Barry.

Your wedding plan? Yes, and my evil plan.

I thought that was a plot. Oh, but... Actually, if I'm being honest, I'm

losing track myself.

Mr. Wormwood, we need to talk.

My lady, there's a perfectly good explanation.

You were using it to control my mind and take over our kingdom as part of some

nefarious scheme.

Okay, yes, that is the explanation.

You're lucky I don't have my guard strike you down just for that.

Oh, princess.

I'm a master of the dark arts, yes.

And the only thing to kill me is the sword wielded by the one true king to

unite them all.

And no one knows where that is.

Damn it.

There we go.

I can still have them chop off your arm.

Oh.

Can you? Can she? Yes, haven't thought of that.

Begone, chapter world.

You are banished from Hortensia. Fine.

You win, for now.

But mark my words.

I will return to take this kingdom by force, and you and your family will

decorate my highest tower with your heads!

Oh, but don't forget, the wedding is fast approaching, so have the

groomsmen's gifts engraved with their initials.

It's a classy move.

But you will die, I swear.

Oh, and don't forget to tip the waiters on the day. Oh, they work so hard.

Rot in hell, swine!

Barry.

We're here. Now, look, are you sure you wouldn't rather face starvation?

I would.

You know, I do not understand it. My father died and I was just a boy.

I would do anything to see him again.

So hungry. Yeah. Well, your dad probably wasn't a serial philanderer who was

never around and left your mum.

I'm so sad.

Not as sad as having a dead dad, right? I mean, my story's sadder.

And just wait until he finds out I'm on a quest for love.

He's going to make such fun of it. Well, if he criticises you over dinner, I'm

fine with that.

Especially if dinner is steak.

Yeah, yeah.

OK, well, be prepared to meet an ice-cold, loveless monster.

Oh, greeting, son.

It's been forever.

Come in. Oh, yeah.

He seems terrible.

I will be

damned. I never thought I'd live to see my oldest son with such a bushy beard.

It's not bushy. It's correct for the period. And it suits you.

Come, come, come.

You have a lovely home, sir.

Thank you. A lot of children.

Your wife must be so sore.

They're not mine.

I run a swordsmanship school for at-risk youth.

I've done ever since I retired from the heroics game.

Hey, boys!

Oh, please.

thing work?

Well, usually we have a pint or two, and then I catch someone looking at me, I

insult his mother, and then away we go.

Oh, good. Let's start.

Oh. What about him?

He gave you a momentary glance.

Hmm. Did he?

Oi!

You've got a problem.

Uh, none at all, Your Highness.

Well, you should.

King Gareth had called your mother a two-bit hussy.

Oh, right you are, my king. My mother is a hussy. In fact, she's the biggest

hussy in the land.

Indeed I am, your grace.

My mother sells herself as well, your majesty.

Mine too.

Filthiest woman in the whole Red Candle district.

My father's a hussy.

For

God's

sake, Barry, try and keep up.

Do you have any idea where we are? Barry, are you completely illiterate?

Look, we're in the forest of coincidence.

God, I wish we had a cart right now.

Free cart?

No way.

Finally, a stroke of luck.

Ah, hey, you there, little chap. Where are you coming from?

Valencia. I'm escaping and I couldn't be more lost.

Ah, very strange.

We're escaping from Hortensia. Hey, maybe we can help each other. That'd be

brilliant. I'm trying to put as much distance as I can between myself and an

insane king and queen.

Believe me, we get that.

We've just been kicked out by Princess Isabella. Princess Isabella? Yeah. She's

one of the people I'm looking for. Really? How incredible.

I'm desperate to find her and her true love, Galavant. What are you talking

about? Galavant told her he wished she would die in a fart, if I remember

correctly. Galavant! Never makes fart jokes.

It must be a misunderstanding.

I have to find him right away, but how?

Excuse me, did you say gallivant?

Oh, I hear he stayed at his father's place just a five days' walk away from

here. Oh, and I just found his sword.

Do you want it?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, wow.

This is amazing.

If only I had a horse, I could make it by nightfall.

Horse for sale!

Horse for sale!

Take your five days' walk in a single afternoon.

Oh, my God, that's perfect.

But I have no money. I don't need money.

What I need is a used pair of size 7 shoes.

I'm a size 7, and I have an extra pair.

What are you on, sir? Let's do this.

Good luck to you, friends.

If you're in Valencia, be careful.

The king and queen are crazy, war-minded monsters.

Crazy, war-minded monsters?

What a wonder.

before going.

All right, boys.

Who's going to trade me?

Oh.

Oh, what's that face?

What's wrong with you?

Lord.

You know, there was a time when I would have paid good money to do this.

It's nice that you're good with kids, though. Why, you little... Get out!

Get out! Get out! Get out!

Get out! Get out! Get out! Get out! Get out! Get out! Get out! Get out! Get out!

Get out! Get out! Get out! Get out! Get out!

Get out!

Get out!

Get out!

You're starting to sound like someone who cares for the guy.

In love with him? Me?

What?

I'm not in love with him.

At all.

Well,

kiddies, there was this one time.

Well, I remember it like it was yesterday.

Gather round.

He told my mother.

That he didn't love her, right in front of my face. And then he passed out on

the dog.

And it was Christmas, and the dog died.

That man doesn't care about anybody but himself.

That's not true.

I was starving in the poorhouse where they fed us twice a year. And they

tossed me at the dais for more.

Then your dad brought me to your house and he gave me bread and beer. Also

everything you left there was... Wait, what?

You've got to be kidding me.

I was carried off by slavers when my parents died of pox. And they told me to

be rented into glue.

Then your dad did me two favours. First he cleaned their freaking clocks. Then

he gave me all the gear he gave to you.

Yeah, that's my favourite hat. He was there, he was there. Branded back within

the air.

So much warmth. Such a gem.

I was practically abandoned by that smug and selfish jerk. It's like nothing that

I did was quite enough.

That's rough.

Thus his ego's out of hand and all he cares about is work. And I can't believe

he gave you all my stuff.

What? No.

He was there. Never there.

He was. Never ever there. Sweet and kind.

Au contraire. He's a saint. Not a prayer.

Nasty and cold-hearted. Such a pig. Don't get me started. He's a schmuck.

He's a schmo. He's the worst. I should know. He's my dad. He's a cat.

He's right behind me, isn't he?

Mum! Dad!

You look terrible.

Because you threw us in the dungeon.

I know. And I'm so sorry. But it wasn't me. It was the spell.

We slept in an inch of water. I have mould in the crack of my tuchus. Todd,

enough.

Isabella, we owe you an apology.

We tried to force you to be somebody you weren't. And we are sorry.

Sorry.

Thank you, Bella baby.

And now it's over.

Forever. Because I am so done with being controlled by my broken heart and Prince

Harry. And I'm ready to become my own person.

Let's do this.

Let us begin.

Typically, and by kingdom charter...

When a princess breaks off her engagement with a prince, it requires

one simple action.

Great. He demands your bra.

My bra?

Your bra.

To show it to my friend.

Absolutely not.

I am a liberated woman. I am a warrior princess, and I will not be giving an 11

-year-old my bra.

Then death it is.

Fine.

Unbelievable. But I am lobbying to change this law.

It is.

I stinted your whole life.

As you when you were born.

That's you being fitted for your first suit of chain mail.

Yeah, I remember that. The blacksmith was all hand.

Yeah, you can see it right there. And that's you waiting for me to play throw

the cabbage around when I forgot and never showed.

You're kidding.

That's the day I won the MVK at the St. Julian's Day Massacre.

Most valuable knight.

You ripped those serfs to pieces.

You couldn't know how proud I was that day.

Mostly because I didn't tell you.

You've been following my adventure this whole time.

Why didn't you say anything?

You know us old school knights.

We could really only express ourselves through tapestry.

I went mucking all about on endless quests and empty walls and adventures in

a hundred ports of call.

And yet somehow I missed out on one adventure, mine and yours.

And it should have been the greatest one of all.

But there's something you should know.

I was there. I was there.

In my heart, in every prayer.

Never said it out loud, but I've always been proud.

If you somehow can forgive me, I'll be

there.

Go and rescue your princess, Galavant.

Marry her.

And be the father and husband I never was.

Dad?

You want to play throw the cabbage around?

Grab a head.

I'm sorry your birthday's been such a bust.

I really tried to get someone to hit you.

It's all right.

It's just nice to know you care.

But I do have one last birthday surprise that's unexpectedly arrived.

I think you're going to love it.

How would you like an unprovoked war with the kingdom of Hortensia?

Best birthday present ever.

Ding dong.

Nice throw, son.

Thanks, Dad.

This carriage is spent.

I'll grab another.

Stop! Get him! Get him! Get him!

Get him!

Get him!

Sid!

He escaped!

All right. Okay. That's close.

Too close.

Okay. Good to see you, sir.

I have news.

Princess Isabella is being forced to marry her cousin in Hortensia. I know.

And I'm not going to let it happen.

I'm going to raise an army to rescue her.

Then I've got something you'll want.

Wild monkeys!

You're gone!

Great herds! They're children!

I've had worse.

Maybe not.

Gabby, no!