Original subtitles

Gentlemen, gentlemen, wake up.

Gentlemen, wake up. I have incredible news.

Is that news that you misplaced your toothbrush?

Zinger, no.

Now, you know how today we're heading into the land of the giants to offer

them the jewel of Valenti in exchange for joining our quest to save Princess

Isabella? Yes, we discussed it last night in great detail.

There's no need for your clunky exposition.

Well, I have managed to trade the jewel for something even better than an army.

You traded the jewel? Yep, for a dragon.

Can you believe it?

Imagine how our foes will run in terror.

I mean, once he grows a little.

I'm going to call him Tad Cooper, a name that evokes strength and valor and

bravery. What do you think?

I think you're a complete idiot, and you're taking it back now.

But I can't.

I pinky swore and said no backsies. You do realize that without a jewel, I have

no army. And without an army, I have no chance of rescuing Isabella.

Where are you going?

To find the giant without you.

What? Why?

Because I am done.

I am done cleaning up your mess.

I am done telling you it's not your fault for good news for us, Richard. It

is your fault. I'm done with your weakness, with your whining, but most of

all, I am done with you.

Okay. I admit I'm on a bit of an unlucky streak, but I am destined for great

things.

You see, you have about as much chance of great things as that lizard does of

breathing fire.

It's a dragon, and it can breathe fire.

Show him, Tad Cooper!

Come on, show him.

Come on.

The perfect pair.

A dragon that isn't a dragon, and a king that isn't a king.

Well, I am done with you two!

Hello?

Guess I'm eating breakfast by myself, then.

You can't do anything right, Richard.

Everything's done after Richard. You've ruined my life, Richard. That's not a

real dragon, Richard. Well, you know what?

Galavant may not believe in you, but I do.

I super believe in you, Tad Cooper.

Hey, little fella, I know just what you're thinking.

Nobody gets you or sees what you could be.

But pluck up your courage and turn that frown up. Soon we will eat this entire

town up. And I believe in my dragon pal and me.

That's right, little fella. We'll leave those doubters blinking.

We're going to show them a thing or two or three.

Imagine the wonder that we'll inspire when we are setting their heads on fire.

Then we'll be even, my dragon pal and me.

We'll rise up and open their eyes up.

We'll light the skies up and rain destruction and death on their wives and

kids.

So when, little fella, you feel your heart is thinking.

Just you remember, one day we'll make them see.

And when they are watching completely flipped out, as their intestines are

being ripped out, they'll all look up to us, then I guarantee.

And they'll believe in my dragon pal and me.

They'll believe in me.

They'll believe in me.

I must warn you, I have a dragon.

It's a bold tablecloth choice, but eggplant is going to be the it colour

this wedding season.

Wonderful.

Eggplant. So me.

Oh, I'm ever so excited about my special day.

Oh, Barry.

Place the order.

My plan is working to perfection.

It appears so, sir. Once Isabella becomes queen, you'll be the most

powerful man in all of Autentia. No.

The wedding plan, you twit.

Do you think I'd discuss the evil plan so publicly?

This is why I thought we agreed to call one the plan and the other the plot to

avoid these kind of mix-ups.

Barry.

What is so hard to understand? We have two plans, right?

One's evil and the other... Sorry.

Moving on.

We have a serious issue to discuss.

We've had most of the RSVPs except a Princess Jubilee.

I need to know if she's coming.

Just mark her as a yes and order the steak. I'm not paying, so I don't care.

Really?

Well, I do care, sir.

Barry, go on. Tell them the mirror.

Oh, dear.

He's going to hand-draw each guest's name and table number on a fancy mirror.

It's a way too understated, Barry.

It's a masterstroke.

It's both functional and a work of art, and it'll all be for naught if the guest

list isn't finalised. Why don't you just make place cards?

Place cards?

Place cards? Madam, am I planning a royal wedding or a medical convention?

Isabella, you think my mirror's a good idea, don't you?

Oh, yes.

It's a massive joke.

Okay, Mr. Wormwood, I don't know what you're up to, but my daughter has been

acting very strangely since you arrived, and I have had enough.

Isabella, it seems your mother doesn't want your wedding to be perfect. Perhaps

she should be somewhere else, you know, somewhere secure.

Damn.

Somewhere dungeon-esque. A dungeon. Send her to the dungeon.

Send her to the dungeon. No one ruins my special day.

Guards! Oh,

isn't it lovely to be working with a client who just... gets it.

Who goes there?

Oh, thank goodness.

Giants. I've been looking for you everywhere.

State your business, wee man.

I'm Galavant.

I need an army.

And I'm told your people are among the fiercest warriors in the land.

Among?

We are giants.

With fists the size of pumpkins.

And heads so big they blot out the sun.

You've come to the right place.

Because we love a good war, don't we, fellas?

Hush!

Titan Colossus, pull him out!

This is great. Thank you so much. Hi, Caliphant.

I'm so sorry.

Aren't you supposed to be taller?

I mean, not to be rude, but you did say that your head's blocked out by the sun.

Yes, they do block out the sun.

It's got to catch it at the right angle. Sorry, can I just... Here?

There.

Complete darkness.

Are you sure that you're giants?

Of course we are giants.

It's very short times.

Fee-fi-fo-fun.

Well said, Titan.

We will join you on your quest on one condition.

There's always a condition. Yep, go on. You must prove your loyalty by helping

us fight our most hated enemy, the Dwarf.

Stinking, tiny, awful, high-pitched voice Dwarf. Right again, Titan. Tonight

we meet to set the rules of battle, and tomorrow we fight.

What do you say?

It shouldn't take long.

They're only very small.

Stop laughing!

Yeah, why not? I'm desperate. Let's do this.

You know, there's something different about you lately.

I mean, you've only punched a couple of people today, and I know it sounds

crazy, but I feel like you took a bath.

What's going on?

All right, I'll tell you.

I think I'm in love.

Oh, Gareth, that's wonderful.

Is it the executioner's daughter? You know, the one who hangs on their legs if

the noose doesn't quite do the trick?

Loretta? Yeah.

She is something.

Evie is an iron pot, but she don't compare to my girl.

There she is.

Hey, Gareth.

Thanks again for the flowers.

Queen Madalena?

But we agreed she's the worst.

Yeah.

Dwarves approach.

All right, lads.

Remember, keep your cool.

This is just a pre-fight meeting.

We save the killing for tomorrow.

Do you mind if I just ask what started the feud with the dwarves?

Must you grumble every time I say dwarves?

Give me the rest.

It started generations ago.

We were building a bridge to unite our two peoples, half by us and half by

them. When the day came to unveil the bridge, they had built their side too

low.

And those whiny little bitches blamed us for building our side too high.

We have been at war ever since.

Oh, come on.

These aren't dwarves. We are too.

Very tall dwarves. Look at their hideous little bodies.

Hideous? You are the same height. You could literally be brothers.

Spoken like a true giant.

A giant jerk face, that is.

Hello, gallivant.

You're looking well. I saw you this morning, you idiot.

I thought I'd gotten rid of you. We got wrong then, didn't you?

It's fitting if you've taken over the Giants, considering you're a humongous

blowhard.

Well, then I think it's rather fitting that you've fallen in with the Dwarves,

considering you've been of little use to me.

You desert me at camp, I spend the whole day tracking you, only to find you're

about to join a battle between two groups of very similar five-foot, ten

-inch men.

He lost the jewel of Valencia. He doesn't believe in my dragon! Wait,

what? Dragon?

I'm sorry, that's not a lizard?

Don't. Not you two.

Look, my point is, these guys seem really serious about killing each other.

Don't you see how ridiculous this is?

Do you really want to die in a battle this ludicrous?

If he gives me a shot at Richard, yeah.

Ditto, big boy. Let's go to war.

Tomorrow we fight.

Giants versus dwarves.

Billy, Billy, Billy. You're a giant. Come on.

So, hey, have you, um, by any chance told Queen Madalena how you feel about

her?

Can I do it tonight?

Great. Or, and just thinking out loud here...

What if you don't?

What are you trying to say?

There's something I need to say, but before I do, have you ever heard of the

bro code?

Is that a black thing? It means what's said between guys stays between guys.

Look, don't fall in love with the queen. She's bad news.

Think about her last three relationships.

They ended in betrayal, exile, and murder.

She will rip your heart out, and I don't mean symbolically.

Skinny. Mean.

Just blinded me.

Thanks for having my back.

Hey, that's what friends are for.

Friends? You think we're friends?

Well, I'm a little worried that if I give you the wrong answer, you'll kill

me right where I sit, but... Yeah, I've come to consider you a friend.

Oh, so friends, then.

I present... Princess Isabella of Hortensia.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm looking for a princess.

Princess Jubilee?

And you've found her.

How's it hanging?

Hello. My wedding planner asked me to find out why you have an RSVP to my

fabulous wedding.

And why would I want to do that?

Because it's a wedding and we're princesses?

Oh, honey.

Wake up and smell my unshaved armpit.

I like to eat meat, swill boo, wake up with brand new

tattoos, stuff like that.

I'm a different kind of princess.

Can't see.

I don't lick my pinky when I'm sipping tea.

I'm a different kind of princess.

Make a big mess.

But this is one damsel who ain't in distress.

I'm a different kind of princess. Don't you think?

I don't wear glitter and I don't like pink. I'm a different kind of princess.

Got no gown.

But that ain't stopping anyone from bowing down.

I'm a different kind of princess. No one's fooling if you're my kind of

princess. Be that kind of princess.

The huge knobby kneecap.

And maybe keep the big mouth shut.

Someone has got to cut them down to size.

Someone.

And we're the ones who will climb them and slap the back of their head. Let's

match the whole bunch of dwarves, Doc.

Stomp on those wee little tots.

Laugh at their wee little biceps.

And it's evicted, you know what.

Someone should punch that baby in the eyes.

Someone. When we're done squishing the runs, there won't be.

Oh, sorry, sorry.

What the? I'm a dwarf!

Oh, my bad.

Everyone,

time out.

Show of hands, who here's a dwarf?

Right, um, who's a giant?

This isn't going to work. Okay, okay.

Let's go shirts and skins.

So what are you doing?

Fixing the bridge.

You're fighting over nothing.

You're so busy arguing this whole journey that you can't see that you

actually need each other. Please, I do not need him.

What's been your sole purpose this entire time, huh?

I've been trying to rouse an army to rescue Isabella. And how many men have

you got to join your quest?

One. You've got someone to join you?

Who is it? Do I know him?

You, Richard. He's talking about you.

Roberta's right.

I'm sorry. I've been using so many horrible words to describe you that I've

forgotten the one that describes you best.

Musky?

Loyal.

Forgive me.

Rejoin my quest.

It would be my honor.

But first, I must ask, do you believe that Tad Cooper is actually a dragon?

I believe...

You believe he is.

I knew it.

Do you hear that?

He believes in us, Tad Cooper.

Right, well, now all the fighting's over.

Off to Hortensia.

Actually, I think we need to bow out.

Before we do any more fighting, I think there's a certain brig that needs our

attention.

What say you, giant?

Right you are, dwarf.

Right you are.

Now, give me that little hand of yours.

Hey there, friend.

Got a pair of tickets to tonight's joust?

Third row.

Wanna go?

Last time I sat there, I caught a tooth.

Can I still have it?

No, thanks.

But you love violence.

Yeah, I know, but I think it'd be better if you went without me. You should go

like hell.

Is it him?

Oh, crap.

My queen.

Oh, don't you my queen me.

I'm bad news, am I?

You told her what I said.

Only that little bit.

I'll rip his heart out and you don't mean symbolically.

Okay, I told her the whole thing. I'm more shrew than woman.

And I made some stuff up.

What about the bro code?

I know.

I'm starting to really like her. She's super pretty.

I just started talking and... I think you better run. Guard!

Kill him.

Turns out I like you too.

Hey there, old buddy, you know what I believe in?

I think we're gonna pull through.

Me too. Me three.

Yes, I believe something might just have started.

And I believe I'll be joining the dear departed.

And I believe I have a wedding planner to see.

Better believe it.

His ass belongs to me.

Gabby, no. Gabby, no.