Original subtitles

Let's cut to the chase.

If you help me save my love, you'll be celebrated in song for a hundred years.

And that's a promise from Galavant, the most beloved warrior in the Five

Kingdoms and Nightbeat Magazine Swordsman of the Year.

Three times running.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you've already given us your resume.

So, what's in this deal for us?

Perhaps I have something that might help.

To Valencia!

Boom!

Where did you get that? I smuggled it out when we escaped from the kingdom.

How? We didn't have anything with us. I swallowed it.

It's huge.

Believe me, I know. I had to slather the bacon grease to choke it down.

Richard, that's insane.

No, what's insane is when it came out. Do you remember that day on the ship

when I was screaming for hours?

Now I know what my mother was always complaining about. Enough!

We have a deal.

I mean, rinse it off one more time.

We have a deal.

Excellent. Can I just say...

It is so nice to negotiate with men of honor. I mean, your number is ten to

one. You could have just as easily murdered us and kept the jewel for

yourself. But you, sir, are a class act.

Roberto, we're leaving.

No one's called me that since... Are

you Roberto Steiner?

I am.

Oh, my God.

Bobby Steingass, why didn't you say something?

I didn't think you'd remember me. Duck!

I don't remember you. Are you crazy? We grew up together, you big dummy.

Gulliver! Look, you'll freaking believe this. Our own traveling companion is

Bobby Steingass.

He was one of the children my parents used to hire to play with me. Do you

think maybe we could catch up later?

I thought she was seven and I was 13, but it just worked, you know?

Here, we can talk about this later.

Richard, I need you to focus.

Yes, it's good you smuggled the jewel out in your bottom. Well, out first.

Wait, what?

We can't have any more mistakes. This jewel is now our key to getting an army.

Isabella's life, her salvation.

She must be suffering in Hortensia.

No, no, no, no, no, Jester.

It's slide, back, slide.

Please get it right, otherwise my wedding dance is going to look so

stupid.

Sorry, princess. I'm a prop comic, not a dancer. Sorry. Sorry.

Snuffy time.

Why?

Okay, everyone, let's take five.

Milady, I hope it won't sound impertinent, but I can't help noticing

the big change that's come over you lately.

Oh, I guess I'm just happy.

After all, I am getting married.

Yeah, but you pupils just spun round then and your tiara started to glow. She

said she's happy.

Okay.

Right, let's all go back to one, shall we?

No, don't throw it away!

Gwendolyn, Bea, you know you don't have to do that anymore.

We are officially big pimping.

No more living on leftovers.

We can be as wasteful as the fine folk.

I don't know. It just doesn't feel right.

What do you mean?

It feels fantastic.

We've got a snazzy new room with two whole benches. It's practically road and

free. We've got expensive perfume for all our stenches. As well again as can

be.

And with these pointy new shoes to walk through mud in, fancy silk squares to

cough up blood in, baby, let's face it, this is as good as

it gets.

I suppose it is rather nice.

We've got the classiest type of bed bug species between our new burlap sheets.

We've got a custom-made pipe that dumps off pieces on one of the nicer streets.

And when there's something amiss inside our breeches, a barber applies his

fattest leeches.

Why not embrace it? This is as good as it gets.

We're part of the upper-lower class now.

Bickley, you're all so chic.

Our glass is all full. We own a glass now.

We bathe once a week. We'll bathe once a week. And as our station in life keeps

growing stronger, we're growing in more weight too.

I think my tapeworm is like a whole foot longer.

By now I might have a few.

And though our breath and our teeth may still be rotten, together just look how

far we've gotten.

Maybe we may.

Which are better, gold or diamonds?

Gold, diamonds. I'm going with gold.

They're beautiful, my queen.

And you're sure they don't make me look poor?

No, because they're gold.

Still with the earrings? For God's sake, just pick a pair. And just because

you've been invited by a couple of old tarts to a Sunday roast does not mean

that you can take my manservant for days. I thought we agreed on personal

assistance. And the von Falkenberg sisters are not tarts.

They're the most popular queens in all seven realms.

I remember the first time I saw them.

I was just a little girl and they passed through my village.

I'd never seen anything like them.

They could have bought or sold all of us with just one of their spectacular

earrings.

And to my amazement, they singled me out for special attention.

Little girl, do you want to ride?

Oops. Sorry.

Hop in.

You're so poor.

They sound awful.

Oh, they were.

And that's when I realized I wanted to be just like them.

And this invitation to their Sunday roast proved that I finally arrived.

Hey, gal. Listen.

I want to apologize again for screwing up early. I was only trying to be

helpful, but I promise, from now on, I'm going to do everything right.

You're sitting on the mat. Oh, sorry.

From now on.

Sorry. From now.

Now on.

Sorry. No need to apologize. Listen, I was thinking from here on out, maybe

I'll do the hero thing alone.

What?

What? Oh.

Because you nearly got killed by those mercenaries, and the mercenaries before

that, or any of the countless other times you've put our lives in jeopardy.

How beautiful I am right now.

I mean, what else would I even do? I don't know. But I can only say, maybe

spend some more time with Roberta.

Hmm?

I mean, you two obviously have something going on.

Yeah.

Are you serious?

No, I was just saying, to get out of an awkward situation, but...

Actually, now I think about it, yeah, that would be a really good way to get

you out of my hair.

Okay, that is officially the grossest thing I have ever heard. Me and Bobby?

We play together as children.

She's like a sister.

You're not the kind of kids you marry.

Yeah, look, I know, but it's hard to see people in a different light.

Unless someone comes up with a ridiculous plan to force you together.

Apropos of nothing, why don't we all go for dinner tonight, hmm?

Somewhere candlelit. Hmm.

So?

Anywhere. Yeah, pretty much anywhere at all.

I've brought lunch in. Your Highness.

Oh, just a moment.

I'm practicing writing my married name.

Oh.

Well, isn't it exactly the same as your current name?

Yeah.

My lady, I hate to trouble you with the problems of those so far, far beneath

you. But I can't help noticing, after several weeks of constant escape

attempts, you've settled in here pretty fast.

My Gwyn is having a hard time adjusting.

Is there anything I can do to help her?

You just need to let Gwyn know how special she is.

Buy her something expensive.

Every woman wants to be treated like a princess.

Have you been sleeping in that thing?

Allow me to straighten it for you. A million pardons, my lady.

I'll go get you a lozenge for that throat.

May I present to you our guest of honour all the way from Valencia, Queen

Madalena!

Thank you so much.

It is such a thrill to be invited to share Sunday roast with such esteemed

company. So, what are we roasting?

Wild boar, stag, heretics.

Oh, no, Madelaine, you've got it all wrong.

We're roasting you.

What?

Welcome, gentle lords and ladies, and especially you, Friars. Thank you for

letting us use your club.

Today, we roast Queen... Madelena.

A target so easy it almost doesn't seem fair. I know.

Now, we all know how she got her title by killing or beheading all her exes,

which just goes to show that even when she throws them in a dungeon, she still

can't keep her mouth.

But this isn't all about what an absolutely massive huffy Madelena is.

Yeah, she is very regal. We always knew she would end up in a castle. Yeah, we

just thought she'd be cleaning it.

Okay, let's get real for a moment.

Maddalena, you have done so well. You have come from nothing, and we are

really, really proud of you.

We think that you've turned yourself into the queen who has everything.

Except love, respect, friends.

And a decent pair of earrings! Oh, yes.

That was so much fun for us. Thank you for being so easy to make fun of. I

loved it. I just loved it. We should definitely do this again.

What are you doing in there?

You have a bed to sleep in now.

Like I'm going to sleep in the thing people use to give birth and die in,

sometimes simultaneously.

Oh, grim.

I can't live like the fancy folk.

It just isn't me.

I'm never on edge anymore.

I haven't had a disease for weeks.

But isn't that a good thing?

Maybe for some people.

For you.

But the thought that we're drifting apart has gotten me so down I can barely

get out of draw.

So I think it's best if I just leave.

Wait.

I'll pack over things.

Done. What? No.

Unpack right now. You can't leave. You love it here.

Gwyndolin, don't you understand?

Sure it's nice not going hungry and my bones don't bend anymore.

My teeth don't wiggle in their sockets.

I could be the king of a castle.

But without you, I'd be the lowliest man in the world.

Oh, Vincenzo.

We leave the castle together.

So, as soon as we're all seated, you come and stand for me.

That looks romantic, doesn't it?

Oh, Roberta! Oh, you look smashing.

Please excuse the dress.

The blouse I usually wear under it has completely disappeared.

Mine too.

Must be fairy's big problem around here. Shall we sit?

You're over there.

You're across from her.

An urgent crow for you, sir.

Oh, thank you.

Unexpected.

I've got to take this.

You carry on without me.

Yeah. Oh, thank you.

Oh.

Thank you.

It's a bit odd.

I'm sorry. This is crazy.

If you had told me a week ago that I would be sitting here with my old pal

Bobby, I'd say you've got a goblin in your head.

Oh, guess what? I can stupid my entire face to my mouth. Do you want to see?

Oh. Oh, Richard, honestly.

You have to do everything myself.

Lude.

Vile.

Irritating little crumhorn.

Gaze at the person across from you now.

Feel the sweet spark of connection.

If you don't screw up this moment somehow.

Maybe you won't die alone.

Don't be too needy or bring up your act.

Don't say the word, her piece and flex.

Don't ever mention you've never had sex.

Trust me.

And now her defenses are starting to fall.

Smile and return her affection.

If you don't manage to ruin it all, maybe

you won't die alone.

He's the damned thing, but looking at you right now.

It's almost as if... You're on fire.

I mean, I don't know that I'd say I'm on fire, but... No, no, you're on fire.

to boil your gear like a good sidekick?

By the way, I know what you were up to last night.

Yeah, I guess it was pretty obvious because I sang it out loud.

Hey, Bobby, I was right.

Gallivant was trying to set us up.

Hilarious. Creepy, right?

Disgusting. You're the worst.

You're all right. But hey, at least we got it all figured out. We know that we

are just good friends.

Right.

So, what's next?

We head to the forest.

I hear there are giants in the southern reach.

Perhaps we can convince them to join us in attacking Hortensia. So we're right

back where we started.

Yep. Nothing has changed.

Nothing.

Nothing at all.

Your turn.

Am I King Arthur?

Yeah.

So this is what you two halfwits do when I'm gone?

Just get sloshed?

Steady on, Queenie.

I'm completely sober.

I think you've only had one.

What happened to you?

Nothing.

It was a great party.

Danced all night.

You'd understand if you'd ever been anywhere nice.

What's happening to me?

Why

would

I be starting now?

If it's a feeling,

Why is it hurting me so?

Could it be my first one is a bad one?

How am I supposed to know?

Why can't it just go away?

Why did all these feelings have to start

Tearing at my armor-plated heart?

What if, God forbid...

the same exact earrings those queens had.

Oh, I forgot to take the ears off.

No.

I like them this way.

What is this?

Is it fulfilling?