Original subtitles

Yesterday was for me a very bad day.

I was arrested for blowing up a railway line, which I did not do, and General von Klinkeroffen,

a very important kraut, had me shot at door.

But my two friends, the German officers over there, put dummy bullets in the firing squad's

rifles so that I could live to tell the tale, which is what I am doing now.

Needless to say, I owe them a favour.

René, now that things are back to normal...

Almost normal?

We have not yet got back the painting of the Fall of Madonna with the big...

Snow!

René, now that things are back to almost normal, I think you owe me a favour.

Of course, Colonel. Yvette or Maria?

Decide.

No contest.

In half an hour?

Perfect.

Just one little thing is worrying me, Colonel.

What's that, René?

Well, the lieutenant who was in charge of the firing squad that shot me, he is a regular

customer of mine.

Will he not think it a little strange to find me still here, alive?

We thought of that.

We think of everything, Colonel.

We told him your cafe was now being run by your twin brother.

What a brilliant idea, Colonel.

How do you think of these things?

We have to be on our toes.

He's looking forward to meeting you.

Do you think it will work?

Of course.

You look exactly like yourself.

You are most reassuring, Colonel.

Oh, one other thing.

I am running very short of butter, sugar and paraffin.

Do you think you could let me have a little from your store?

René, we cannot keep on fiddling our books.

That's not fair on Hans.

Oh, I'll manage somehow.

Well, Helge, sit down.

Have you seen Herr Fleck of the Gestapo?

Yes, I carried out your instructions.

I told him René has been shot and his twin brother has arrived from Nancy to run the catholic.

Did he believe her?

After some interrogation.

Why did he interrogate you?

It was raining, so we decided not to go out.

Dear Sippard, will nobody come to help me?

Here we are, Mama.

Oh, not more onion soup.

No, today we have a treat.

Harakot beans.

Oh.

More than an old woman can bear.

But no matter.

Come proceed this.

Now Zach René is dead.

Have you found his will?

Mama, he is not dead.

He is down below.

Oh, well.

The life he led, I am not surprised.

Now, Edith, you must marry again.

Why do you not marry Monsieur Maurice?

He owns the Hotel Grand Place.

He has a café.

Mama, René is not dead.

He has a bigger one than René.

Do not fill your head with such things.

I must go.

I have much to do.

Now, Edith, what are you going to do about the airmen in my wardrobe?

There are no airmen in your wardrobe.

We have hidden them in the inn house.

Airmen in the inn house.

Yes.

Sometimes I think I go wrong the twist.

Maria.

Yvette.

The two German officers in half an hour.

Did you explain that the flying helmet and the egg whisk are extra?

Not this time.

This one is on the house.

René, what about the resistance?

You know we have to give them ten percent.

They will be very cross if they find out we are giving the Germans freebies.

Take it out of the till.

Allow me to introduce myself.

I am Lieutenant Gruber.

I was a very close friend of your brother.

Ah, my twin brother, René.

Yes, yes.

It was very sad.

Unfortunately, I was in charge of the firing party.

Yes, I know.

Orders, you understand.

I hope you will not hold it against me.

I will try not to.

Your usual?

Whatever that may be.

That is my usual.

How extraordinary.

You bear a most remarkably close resemblance to René.

I know.

You even have the same pretty rings.

Ah, yes.

Yes, yes.

He left them to me.

Now I come to look.

Your eyelashes are a little longer.

And your hands are more artistic.

The Colonel told me you arrived from Nancy's this morning.

Yes, he is quite right.

Is that where you and René were born?

Yes, we were both Nancy boys.

René, I must talk to you.

We have to feed the ends.

She called you René.

That is very strange.

Ah, yeah.

Well, you see, we were so alike.

There did not seem to be any point in giving us different names.

So they called you both René.

That must have been very confusing.

Oh, no, no.

They called us René 1 and René 2.

Are you one?

No, I am definitely two.

Otto, what brings you here?

I am here on official business.

You will refer to me as Herr Flick.

Yes, Herr Flick.

And stand up when you talk to me.

Yes, Herr Flick.

Come here.

Yes, Herr Flick.

You are wearing perfume.

You gave it to me, Herr Flick.

That is no excuse.

Members of the German forces should not wear perfume on duty.

Even if they are girls.

Turn around.

At least your hair is tidy.

Turn around.

Yes, Herr Flick.

You wish me to tell the colonel that you are here?

No.

I will tell him myself.

You wish me to kiss you?

Well, just a little one.

Thank you, Herr Flick.

Thank you, Herr Flick.

You are welcome.

Helena!

Your visit is unexpected, Herr Flick.

So it seems.

We were just reading how well the war is going.

There is a very good picture of the Fuhrer on page three.

I understand you shot the saboteur.

Yes, Herr Flick.

Was there any peasants present at the execution?

A few, Herr Flick.

Did you take their names?

Did you take their names, Hans?

Er, I think there was one called Bobby.

Fool!

They might have been members of the Resistance.

They might have been members of the Resistance, Hans.

But you gave me no orders.

That is no excuse.

You should have asked them their names and addresses.

You ask a French peasant that, he drops his onions and runs like the clappers.

This being the case, you must attend the funeral.

Funeral?

Funeral?

To the Resistance, he's a hero.

They will come to pay their respects.

I will observe from a discreet distance.

You will obtain names and photographs.

Helena!

Helena!

Clop!

Carstairs, that cockerel hasn't taken his eyes off you for the last hour.

I suppose, sitting in this position, he thinks I'm going to lay an egg.

I wish you would.

I'm just hungry.

Oh!

Dinner time!

It's that Resistance girl, Michelle.

Hello, chaps.

Sorry about the cramped quarters.

I'm afraid you've got to lie low a bit longer.

It's not exactly luxurious, you know.

Fairfax nearly fell off his perch last night.

I'm trying to get through to London to get them to send a plane for you.

Oh, good show!

By the way, we're jolly thirsty.

See the button on that feeder there?

Press it with your nose and the trough will fill with water.

Hey!

Thank you!

Toodle-oo!

Toodle-oo!

Yvette!

Quick!

I want you upstairs!

Oh!

It is the wireless!

Mama, we have to use of adieu under your bed.

Has Monsieur Maurice proposed to you yet?

Mama, René is not dead.

I saw it in full.

I heard the shots with my own ear-trumpet.

Ah!

He has come towards me!

Calls the priest!

It is, René!

He is alive!

No, no, no!

He is a phantom!

See, my stick goes through him!

You stupid old bat!

Are you trying to kill me or something?

Oh!

It is a miracle!

Oh, Tom Maurice's wedding is cancelled!

Take no notice of her.

Get the better.

One, two, three!

Oh!

Oh, my God!

Oh!

Who is this Monsieur Maurice?

He owns the Hotel Grand Place and a café.

But why does she want you to marry him?

He has a bigger one than you are.

But René does more behind the bar.

This is true.

Hello, hello.

This is Nighthawk.

Are you receiving me?

Over.

London is receiving you.

Pass your message.

Over.

The N's are still in the N house.

Over.

Over.

What is so strange about that?

Over.

The two airmen want to go home.

Over.

Please use the code.

Over.

The N's are still in the N house.

Over.

Roger, Nighthawk.

Now, listen very carefully.

The big one will arrive at midnight.

Oh, Monsieur Maurice, what did I tell you?

Shut up!

This means they are dropping the consignment that we have ordered.

That must be the new uniforms for the German officers,

which they no longer need,

and the forged painting of the fuller Madonna with the big boobies.

Thank you, London.

Over and out and things.

There's a man downstairs.

He says he is an undertaker.

But what does he want?

He has come to measure you for the coffin.

Oh, I forgot I was dead.

Oh, hey.

Good afternoon.

Good afternoon.

My name is Alphonse, director of funerals.

My card.

Ah, thank you.

Swiftly and with style.

I like that.

This is the wife.

Oh, my brother, René.

The dead one.

And this lady?

Oh, that is Yvette.

A seven, girl.

I used to work under the deceased.

Sad occasion.

Tragic.

Where is the body?

In the office.

Well, we have been moving him about a bit.

Well, I shall have to take some measurement later.

But first, we must decide on some distressing details.

Of course, sir.

If Monsieur would like.

Now, first.

The coffin.

Oak.

Elm.

Ash.

Pine.

Which do you favour?

Do you not have something a little bigger?

These are samples of the wood.

Oak is 35,000 franc.

Ash.

25,000 franc.

Elm, 15,000.

Pine, 10,000 franc.

This is very expensive.

Do you not have something in orange box?

We must have oak.

All my neighbours will expect it.

Edith, I am paying for this.

No wonder you really ate me in front of my neighbours.

Oak.

Now, as you have chosen the oak, you shall always want the bronze handles.

They'll last longer.

Why should this be an advantage when not pulling him up again?

And the brass nameplate with the letters inlaid in silver.

Might I suggest...

To my beloved husband...

Sadly missed.

Excuse me, may I say something?

They shot him.

You cannot have sadly missed.

What does Madame suggest?

He was brave.

He died for France.

Long live de Gaulle.

Who?

De Gaulle.

You know, the one who scarpered.

Oh, I've been doing so grandiose.

There should be a poem.

The rifle's fired.

The bullet's hit.

Oh, we shall miss that little man.

And pray it didn't hurt a bit.

Yes.

That would be at 200 francs a letter 12,000 francs.

12,000 francs?

Just put to buy.

I will pay.

There is provision in the will.

What will?

I found it.

It was in the secret drawer of the bureau in the dressing room of my mother.

It leaves everything to me.

I think there will very likely be another will.

Well, now, it only remains for me to measure, if you will pardon me.

The body.

Oh, well, that is no problem.

I am his twin brother.

You can measure me.

Monsieur, I am professional.

We have our etiquette.

If it ever leaked out that I measure you instead of the body,

every undertaker in France would laugh.

Ah, well, that would be unusual, I'm sure.

Well, perhaps, before you measure, if you will pardon me, the body,

you would like a cognac.

Oh, that is most kind.

Yvette.

Edith, when Monsieur Alphonse has finished his cognac,

show him the body in the office.

But René...

Er, René's body, that's right.

Yes.

Monsieur Alphonse, I am sure you will forgive me if I do not come with you.

It is very difficult for me, you understand.

Of course, of course, Monsieur.

Yes.

Sure.

It is very difficult for you.

It is very difficult for you.

It is the unquiet spirit of my husband.

Are we ready?

I hope so.

Sorry.

Of course I have a bitch.

I hope so.

Madam?

Madam?

Pardon?

Why does he have flour on his face?

When he was arrested, he was making a roly-poly pudding.

Just think, we will never see his roly-poly again.

Before I go, I will need the signature of the brother-in-law.

Where do you think he is at the moment?

Oh, I do not know, but I am sure he will join us in the bar as soon as he

can.

Oh, I do not know.

I do not know.

I am sure he is at the moment.

I am very proud of you.

Are you finished?

It is all done.

How did he look?

Terrible.

Monsieur, monsieur.

Of course.

Thank you, sir.

Oh, monsieur.

Oh, I have left my tip, monsieur.

We'll get it for you.

Who's that?

Don't open the door till I put the lid on.

It's Michelle's resistance.

What does she want?

Well, how do I know?

Open the door and find out.

Quick, all of you, inside.

What is happening?

Last night, the picture of the fallen Madonna with the big boobies did not come by parachute.

These did.

They are being pursued by a German patrol.

You must hide them for us.

Well, what are they?

Anti-tank mines.

Treat them very gently.

Keep a cool head.

And if the Germans find them, you will be shut.

Well, at these prices, I cannot afford another funeral.

Well, we must go through the back.

Well, where am I supposed to hide these?

You will think of something.

But hurry, the Germans may have seen us and her.

Oh, German soldiers coming towards us.

Oh, heck.

Quick, in the coffin.

Not you, these.

What is all these bottles doing in the coffin of my husband?

They are to make it heavy, so that when they lift it up, they think I am in it.

Quick, the rest.

Oh, wait till I put the lid on.

What do you want?

We demand anchorage.

Stand aside.

Why, you buzzery poor woman, in a time of grief.

We are hunting members of the resistance, and they came in through this door.

We thought they were customers, but they came straight through and out the back.

Did you see their faces?

No, we were busy doing the screwing.

What's going on?

What were the soldiers doing?

They were following the resistance.

René, you must stop seeing those people.

If Herr Flick finds out, he will make you talk.

And you might tell him about us.

Oh, I...

I would die before I did that, Colonel.

I would try to arrange it.

Now, did you put the weights in the coffin?

Yes, Colonel, yes.

Just finished, yes.

Hans, the black bands.

Are you coming to the funeral, Colonel?

Of course.

We were very fond of you.

One word of warning.

Herr Flick will be observing from the bushes.

Make sure no members of the resistance are there.

Oh, of course, Colonel.

Thank you for telling me.

What's that?

I paid for the bells.

All the whole village of Nouveau will come to pay their respects.

How much did they cost?

That was very cheap.

A hundred francs, a bong.

You are having fifty bongs.

What is this?

The choir.

How much do they cost?

Well, they said you would give them the usual,

and then they giggled,

so I didn't understand.

They look very beautiful,

standing there with their candles.

I'd like this when my turn comes.

Or even before.

There was a munger boy.

Shut up!

What on earth is he doing here?

He was five hundred francs.

The real priest was three thousand.

Good choice he did.

We are gathered here

to pay our respects

to our good friend,

Rene.

One, two, three, four.

Something is happening.

We must move to a better position.

The back of the car, Halfley?

To observe the funeral.

It's only an handful of my friend's ear.

I thought you said the old village of Nuvion

was turning out to mourn my passing.

Nuvion rangers are playing away.

Rene, hold on for my arm.

Are you going to faint?

No, I cannot see.

Rene,

do you think the resistance

will be very cross with us

because we are burying

the anti-tank mines in a coffin?

That is their funeral.

This is mine.

Do you think we should goose-step?

No, Hans.

That would be very poor taste.

As bad enough,

we have with us

the man who shot.

It was obeying orders.

I was most upset

as I uttered the word

fire.

I felt a complete rotter.

This will do.

They cannot see us here.

You will bend over

and touch your toes.

What have you in mind, Halfley?

I wish to steady my binoculars.

What do you think?

what is wrong hurry up who has the key the priest has the key not you the real

please where is he he plays center off for the Nuvian Rangers what is the problem the priest has

forgotten the key shall I shoot off the lock if it wasn't for you and your shooting we wouldn't

be here in the first place can you all come back tomorrow I won't keep until tomorrow

something very strange is happening what is that hair flick the coffin and all the mourners are

heading in this direction

should we move to another position no we are quite safe here

so that was very amusing

that's not so amusing

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