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1
00:00:05,591 --> 00:00:05,765
.
2
00:00:05,809 --> 00:00:07,767
Yes!
3
00:00:07,811 --> 00:00:09,943
Yes!
4
00:00:09,987 --> 00:00:11,075
Death.
5
00:00:12,468 --> 00:00:14,122
What?
I-I told you
6
00:00:14,165 --> 00:00:15,514
today was a day
for quiet reflection.
7
00:00:15,558 --> 00:00:17,342
- Can we at least do
a Miles Mission?
8
00:00:17,386 --> 00:00:18,865
- Not needed today.
9
00:00:18,909 --> 00:00:20,432
I'm writing a book
that's going to crush him,
10
00:00:20,476 --> 00:00:22,260
so everyone stop talking.
11
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Just go to sleep.
Does anyone know any lullabies?
12
00:00:25,046 --> 00:00:27,222
- ♪ The sun is yawning
13
00:00:27,265 --> 00:00:29,963
♪ It's sleepy-time
14
00:00:30,007 --> 00:00:32,270
♪ Dreams are spawning
15
00:00:32,314 --> 00:00:34,142
♪ Clouds decline
16
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- O-okay. Interesting.
17
00:00:35,491 --> 00:00:37,710
Is that an original?
Yeah?
18
00:00:37,754 --> 00:00:39,756
All right, well, I have
a lot of follow-up questions,
19
00:00:39,799 --> 00:00:42,019
but I will not get sucked into
any of this today.
20
00:00:45,066 --> 00:00:51,333
♪
21
00:00:51,376 --> 00:00:53,596
- ♪ In the sleepy west
22
00:00:53,639 --> 00:00:55,989
♪ Of the woody east
23
00:00:56,033 --> 00:00:58,122
♪ Is a valley full
24
00:00:58,166 --> 00:01:00,385
♪ Full o' pioneer
25
00:01:00,429 --> 00:01:02,822
♪ We're not just kids
26
00:01:02,866 --> 00:01:04,824
♪ To say the least
27
00:01:04,868 --> 00:01:07,131
♪ We got ideas
28
00:01:07,175 --> 00:01:09,307
♪ To us that's dear
29
00:01:09,351 --> 00:01:11,483
♪ Like capitalist
30
00:01:11,527 --> 00:01:12,919
♪ Like communist
31
00:01:13,964 --> 00:01:14,921
Ah!
32
00:01:14,965 --> 00:01:16,009
Stupid water heater!
33
00:01:16,053 --> 00:01:18,316
- ♪ You've heard about
34
00:01:18,360 --> 00:01:20,492
♪ And redneckers
35
00:01:20,536 --> 00:01:23,408
♪ They get us pissed
36
00:01:26,846 --> 00:01:30,154
Jack, my friend,
you just wrote your way
37
00:01:30,198 --> 00:01:32,635
out of this dried-up turd
of a town.
38
00:01:32,678 --> 00:01:35,812
- Did you just call Toledo
a dried
39
00:01:35,855 --> 00:01:38,162
- I did.
I did, and it is.
40
00:01:38,206 --> 00:01:39,772
And thanks to this book
I finished,
41
00:01:39,816 --> 00:01:43,124
I will not be here much longer,
hence the champagne.
42
00:01:43,167 --> 00:01:45,038
It's a beautiful day outside.
43
00:01:45,082 --> 00:01:46,736
Why don't we call it early?
44
00:01:46,779 --> 00:01:48,259
Cheers, guys!
45
00:01:50,392 --> 00:01:52,176
- We've got some time.
46
00:01:52,220 --> 00:01:53,743
How about
the rest of that lullaby?
47
00:01:53,786 --> 00:01:55,353
- Sure!
48
00:01:55,397 --> 00:01:57,834
♪ The sun is yawning
49
00:01:57,877 --> 00:01:59,662
[Ramones'
"Listen to My Heart"]
50
00:01:59,705 --> 00:02:01,620
♪ It's sleepy-time
- One, two, three, four!
51
00:02:01,664 --> 00:02:03,535
- ♪ Next time,
I'll listen to my heart ♪
52
00:02:03,579 --> 00:02:06,669
♪ Next time,
well, I'll be smart ♪
53
00:02:06,712 --> 00:02:13,763
♪
54
00:02:27,124 --> 00:02:28,778
- Hey! Jack-O!
55
00:02:28,821 --> 00:02:30,214
I got your text.
56
00:02:30,258 --> 00:02:31,694
What's the big news?
57
00:02:31,737 --> 00:02:33,696
- Well, I just finished
writing a new book,
58
00:02:33,739 --> 00:02:36,177
and I'm gonna expose you
for the fraud you are.
59
00:02:36,220 --> 00:02:37,917
- Yeah, it's my friend Jack.
60
00:02:37,961 --> 00:02:39,092
He wrote a book!
61
00:02:39,136 --> 00:02:40,833
- Jack!
- Way to go!
62
00:02:40,877 --> 00:02:42,487
- Uh, no, more of a--
63
00:02:42,531 --> 00:02:44,576
it's like a chill sesh,
really.
64
00:02:44,620 --> 00:02:48,406
Um, that's David Eggleston,
my, uh, publisher.
65
00:02:48,450 --> 00:02:51,061
Steve Jones...
from the Sex Pistols!
66
00:02:51,104 --> 00:02:53,237
And, uh, Bill Nye!
67
00:02:54,760 --> 00:02:56,936
- We're all in the same
meditation class.
68
00:02:56,980 --> 00:02:59,112
Oh, and this is Fiona.
69
00:02:59,156 --> 00:03:00,418
Uh, she's a model.
70
00:03:00,462 --> 00:03:02,377
At Warby Parker!
71
00:03:02,420 --> 00:03:03,943
Clever as well.
72
00:03:03,987 --> 00:03:05,031
Where are you?
73
00:03:05,075 --> 00:03:06,598
- Oh, I'm, um...
74
00:03:06,642 --> 00:03:08,426
I'm actually also--
I'm at my
75
00:03:08,470 --> 00:03:10,298
lady friend's apartment.
76
00:03:11,951 --> 00:03:14,345
- All this old lady stuff is--
she's being ironic.
77
00:03:14,389 --> 00:03:15,868
You know.
78
00:03:15,912 --> 00:03:18,393
- Oh!
Flav's here with the nachos!
79
00:03:18,436 --> 00:03:21,265
- Wait, Flavor Flav was in
your meditation class?
80
00:03:21,309 --> 00:03:23,267
- No. I'm just a fan of Miles.
81
00:03:23,311 --> 00:03:25,051
His book changed my life.
82
00:03:25,095 --> 00:03:26,618
Philosophy, boy-ee!
83
00:03:26,662 --> 00:03:29,926
- Ah! So, what's
your book about... boy
84
00:03:29,969 --> 00:03:31,449
- Well, I can tell you
what it isn't.
85
00:03:31,493 --> 00:03:32,929
It's not
some upbeat pop philosophy
86
00:03:32,972 --> 00:03:34,931
with a dumb title
like "A Hundred Smiles
87
00:03:34,974 --> 00:03:36,759
in Your Pocket" or some...
88
00:03:36,802 --> 00:03:38,717
- Yeah, no, my book
is the real deal.
89
00:03:38,761 --> 00:03:40,763
It's called "The End:
A Philosophy of Death."
90
00:03:40,806 --> 00:03:43,461
It's tough stuff, but I think
it's really gonna resonate.
91
00:03:43,505 --> 00:03:46,159
- Hey! Eggleston's one of
the top boys as Colfax.
92
00:03:46,203 --> 00:03:47,639
Have you sent them a copy?
93
00:03:47,683 --> 00:03:49,293
- Yes, Miles,
I didn't forget to send
94
00:03:49,337 --> 00:03:50,642
my book out
to one of the biggest
95
00:03:50,686 --> 00:03:52,296
publishing houses
in the country.
96
00:03:52,340 --> 00:03:53,776
- Great, then I shall put in
a good word.
97
00:03:53,819 --> 00:03:56,518
Not to brag, but they're
kind of obsessed with me.
98
00:03:56,561 --> 00:03:58,259
- He's the best!
- Oh, shut up.
99
00:03:58,302 --> 00:03:59,477
Oh, it--
ah, he--
100
00:03:59,521 --> 00:04:00,957
listen, we gotta go, Jack, uh,
101
00:04:01,000 --> 00:04:03,002
because David Blaine's
about to levitate
102
00:04:03,046 --> 00:04:04,265
on the driveway.
103
00:04:04,308 --> 00:04:05,918
See ya!
104
00:04:05,962 --> 00:04:08,312
- Why is Miles getting to
hang out with a Sex Pistol?
105
00:04:08,356 --> 00:04:10,053
I should be hanging out
with a Sex Pistol.
106
00:04:11,402 --> 00:04:14,492
- You gotta get the...
- I know...
107
00:04:14,536 --> 00:04:17,539
- Oh, look at you two
sharing another Cobb salad.
108
00:04:17,582 --> 00:04:19,323
You know what I say.
109
00:04:19,367 --> 00:04:21,238
Share everything
except negativity.
110
00:04:21,282 --> 00:04:22,935
both: Mm-hmm.
- And napkins.
111
00:04:22,979 --> 00:04:24,807
- Yeah, we're with you.
- Oh, crap!
112
00:04:24,850 --> 00:04:27,331
Superintendent's been on hold
for 42 minutes.
113
00:04:27,375 --> 00:04:28,941
- Wow.
- Good job, Helen.
114
00:04:28,985 --> 00:04:31,683
- Okay, guys, uh,
we need to update
115
00:04:31,727 --> 00:04:33,990
everyone's
emergency contact info.
116
00:04:34,033 --> 00:04:37,298
As you know, last week,
Mrs. Kenwood had a fall.
117
00:04:37,341 --> 00:04:39,300
We called
her emergency contact.
118
00:04:39,343 --> 00:04:42,215
Turns out
it was her ex-boyfriend
119
00:04:42,259 --> 00:04:43,521
and current stalker.
120
00:04:43,565 --> 00:04:45,131
Long story short,
he already knew.
121
00:04:45,175 --> 00:04:46,437
Not a good guy.
Okay.
122
00:04:46,481 --> 00:04:48,004
So let's get started.
123
00:04:48,047 --> 00:04:51,355
Michelle has put down
her husband, Keith.
124
00:04:51,399 --> 00:04:53,183
- Dreamboat alert!
125
00:04:53,226 --> 00:04:54,706
- Michelle, please, we need to
get through this quickly.
126
00:04:54,750 --> 00:04:56,229
Stef has put down Mary.
127
00:04:56,273 --> 00:04:57,579
- Cobb club!
128
00:04:57,622 --> 00:04:59,232
- Okay, can we just--
thank you.
129
00:04:59,276 --> 00:05:02,366
Mary has put down Michelle,
and Cathy has put down Ben--
130
00:05:02,410 --> 00:05:04,803
- Wait.
What did you just say?
131
00:05:04,847 --> 00:05:07,719
Mary, what is the deal, girl?
132
00:05:07,763 --> 00:05:09,460
We were sitting next
to each other
133
00:05:09,504 --> 00:05:11,027
when we filled these out.
134
00:05:11,070 --> 00:05:13,638
I put you down,
and I told you to put me down.
135
00:05:13,682 --> 00:05:16,641
- Right, you definitely told me
to put you down,
136
00:05:16,685 --> 00:05:18,382
but I'm a grown-ass woman,
so I decided
137
00:05:18,426 --> 00:05:19,862
to put Michelle down.
138
00:05:19,905 --> 00:05:21,951
Don't have a Stef freak-out
and start yelling.
139
00:05:21,994 --> 00:05:23,213
- I am not yelling!
140
00:05:23,256 --> 00:05:24,388
Ralph, am I yelling?
141
00:05:24,432 --> 00:05:25,563
- Ralph,
would you call this yelling?
142
00:05:25,607 --> 00:05:27,217
- Would you consider this
a yell?
143
00:05:27,260 --> 00:05:29,175
'Cause I think this is
a very low-decibel "Ralph"!
144
00:05:29,219 --> 00:05:31,700
- Ralph, when someone yells--
- I don't even yell, Ralph!
145
00:05:31,743 --> 00:05:33,223
I have a change of voice,
Ralph!
146
00:05:33,266 --> 00:05:35,181
- Hey! Oh, I can't do this.
Walk away, Ralph.
147
00:05:36,618 --> 00:05:38,750
You can share your lunch
with someone else.
148
00:05:38,794 --> 00:05:41,231
And give me my damn tomato.
149
00:05:41,274 --> 00:05:42,885
This is mine.
150
00:05:45,453 --> 00:05:47,324
- You can have
half my beefy broccoli.
151
00:05:47,368 --> 00:05:49,587
It really needs
to be eaten today.
152
00:05:49,631 --> 00:05:52,068
It's right on the edge.
153
00:05:57,421 --> 00:05:59,380
- All right, well,
you didn't get it.
154
00:05:59,423 --> 00:06:01,512
♪
155
00:06:01,556 --> 00:06:03,558
Oh, come on.
156
00:06:03,601 --> 00:06:07,083
♪
157
00:06:07,126 --> 00:06:08,650
Even the Germans?
158
00:06:10,826 --> 00:06:12,784
Tell you guys, man,
the whole publishing world now
159
00:06:12,828 --> 00:06:14,612
is filled with a bunch
of corporate frat guys
160
00:06:14,656 --> 00:06:16,614
just so busy
high-fiving themselves
161
00:06:16,658 --> 00:06:19,922
and quoting "Scarface"
to appreciate real genius.
162
00:06:19,965 --> 00:06:22,272
I'm gonna be stuck in this
dead-end hell town forever.
163
00:06:22,315 --> 00:06:24,622
- Yesterday you called it
a dried-up turd town.
164
00:06:24,666 --> 00:06:27,059
- Sounds like you're warming up
to Toledo.
165
00:06:28,583 --> 00:06:29,932
- Uh, quick, everybody,
uh, pretend
166
00:06:29,975 --> 00:06:32,021
you're at a fancy
cocktail party.
167
00:06:32,064 --> 00:06:33,892
- This is a wonderful
fancy cocktail.
168
00:06:33,936 --> 00:06:37,548
- Free shrimp, I can just...
eat as much shrimp as I want?
169
00:06:37,592 --> 00:06:39,332
All of it?
- Alcohol.
170
00:06:39,376 --> 00:06:40,725
Because we're grown-ups.
171
00:06:40,769 --> 00:06:43,511
- Stop! Okay. All right.
That's enough. Plan B.
172
00:06:43,554 --> 00:06:44,816
Just cover your mouths
and shut up.
173
00:06:44,860 --> 00:06:46,644
Don't say anything.
Hello! Miles!
174
00:06:46,688 --> 00:06:48,080
- Hey! Jack-O.
175
00:06:48,124 --> 00:06:49,342
Brilliant news.
176
00:06:49,386 --> 00:06:50,605
My publishers want to work
with you.
177
00:06:50,648 --> 00:06:52,520
- Your publishers want
to work with me?
178
00:06:52,563 --> 00:06:54,086
Great, well, tell 'em
they better hurry up
179
00:06:54,130 --> 00:06:55,827
'cause I'm about to close
a number of deals
180
00:06:55,871 --> 00:06:57,481
on "A Philosophy of Death."
181
00:06:57,525 --> 00:06:58,656
You know, big deals.
182
00:06:58,700 --> 00:07:00,484
A big number of-of big deals.
183
00:07:00,528 --> 00:07:02,834
- No, uh, not a problem,
'cause the guys at Colfax
184
00:07:02,878 --> 00:07:04,662
didn't actually want that book.
185
00:07:04,706 --> 00:07:06,751
They felt it was a little dark.
186
00:07:06,795 --> 00:07:08,492
But they loved
your other idea.
187
00:07:09,972 --> 00:07:11,495
- "A Hundred Smiles
in Your Pocket."
188
00:07:11,539 --> 00:07:14,193
- I was being sarcastic.
189
00:07:14,237 --> 00:07:15,673
Well, they love it.
190
00:07:15,717 --> 00:07:18,154
A hundred
fun, easily digestible
191
00:07:18,197 --> 00:07:20,199
philosophy nuggets
that help you smile!
192
00:07:20,243 --> 00:07:21,505
- I've got the lemons!
193
00:07:21,549 --> 00:07:23,376
- Steve, mate,
I'm on the blower here, bro.
194
00:07:23,420 --> 00:07:26,031
S-sorry, Jack,
it's Steve Jones.
195
00:07:26,075 --> 00:07:27,990
- Steve Jones
from the Sex Pistols?
196
00:07:28,033 --> 00:07:30,296
Are you kidding me, Miles,
what is happening over there?
197
00:07:31,428 --> 00:07:33,430
Weirdest week ever.
198
00:07:33,474 --> 00:07:34,518
- Yeah, all right,
well, you know,
199
00:07:34,562 --> 00:07:35,563
look, I'm not a sellout,
200
00:07:35,606 --> 00:07:36,651
so why don't you go ahead
201
00:07:36,694 --> 00:07:37,869
and find some other clown
202
00:07:37,913 --> 00:07:39,523
to fill your pants with smiles?
203
00:07:39,567 --> 00:07:41,003
- Ah, mm, that's a shame,
'cause, I mean,
204
00:07:41,046 --> 00:07:44,180
it would mean
a $40,000 advance.
205
00:07:44,223 --> 00:07:47,400
- Uh, 40--
well, yeah, I'm gonna do it!
206
00:07:47,444 --> 00:07:49,533
I mean, of course I'm gonna--
207
00:07:49,577 --> 00:07:50,882
what was the idea,
though, again?
208
00:07:50,926 --> 00:07:52,536
"A Mile of Smiles
in Your Bonnet"?
209
00:07:52,580 --> 00:07:53,929
I'll write it down this time.
210
00:07:58,455 --> 00:07:58,629
.
211
00:07:59,935 --> 00:08:01,414
Oh, magnificent.
212
00:08:01,458 --> 00:08:02,894
- Your new water heater's
ready to go.
213
00:08:02,938 --> 00:08:05,549
- Great!
Thank you, Jiffy.
214
00:08:05,593 --> 00:08:07,072
- That's the name
of the company.
215
00:08:07,116 --> 00:08:09,074
My name's Don.
216
00:08:09,118 --> 00:08:11,076
Well, how was I
supposed to know that?
217
00:08:11,120 --> 00:08:12,251
All right, well,
I don't have time
218
00:08:12,295 --> 00:08:13,557
to read your whole shirt, pal.
219
00:08:13,601 --> 00:08:16,081
All right, thanks.
Take care.
220
00:08:16,125 --> 00:08:17,561
- All right, you're all set.
221
00:08:17,605 --> 00:08:18,997
Time for you to get to know
your remote.
222
00:08:19,041 --> 00:08:20,433
- I-I think I got it, man.
223
00:08:20,477 --> 00:08:22,261
Um, and do me a favor,
leave the box.
224
00:08:22,305 --> 00:08:24,089
I think I'm gonna be moving
to New York City soon.
225
00:08:24,133 --> 00:08:25,351
Yeah, oh, and, uh,
why don't you get
226
00:08:25,395 --> 00:08:26,614
something nice for your wife?
227
00:08:26,657 --> 00:08:27,919
- Ooh. Thank you.
228
00:08:27,963 --> 00:08:29,617
But I do not have a wife.
229
00:08:29,660 --> 00:08:30,922
I want a wife so much.
230
00:08:30,966 --> 00:08:32,489
- Okay. All right.
Off you go.
231
00:08:32,533 --> 00:08:33,708
Thank you.
232
00:08:35,187 --> 00:08:37,450
[cell phone chiming
and buzzing]
233
00:08:41,977 --> 00:08:44,066
Hey! Miles.
234
00:08:44,109 --> 00:08:46,503
- Howdy-hi, Jack-O!
How's the book coming along?
235
00:08:46,547 --> 00:08:48,287
- It's going great--
hey, speaking of, uh,
236
00:08:48,331 --> 00:08:51,421
when can I expect that, uh,
money to hit my account?
237
00:08:51,464 --> 00:08:53,118
- Listen, that's why
I'm calling you.
238
00:08:53,162 --> 00:08:54,903
You need to fly out to New York
on Friday
239
00:08:54,946 --> 00:08:56,905
and just do
a little dog and pony show
240
00:08:56,948 --> 00:08:58,602
for the guys at Colfax.
241
00:08:58,646 --> 00:09:00,299
- So, what, I gotta bro out
with a bunch of middle-aged
242
00:09:00,343 --> 00:09:02,388
frat guys who know nothing
about good writing?
243
00:09:02,432 --> 00:09:04,956
- No, you just gotta present
some "smiles."
244
00:09:05,000 --> 00:09:06,958
- Sure, man.
Uh, yeah, whatever.
245
00:09:07,002 --> 00:09:08,873
- Well, then, I shall tell them
full steam ahead.
246
00:09:08,917 --> 00:09:11,136
Listen, I've gotta go--
me and David Blaine
247
00:09:11,180 --> 00:09:12,311
are getting our teeth whitened.
248
00:09:12,355 --> 00:09:13,965
More.
249
00:09:14,009 --> 00:09:15,140
Mental. Ciao for now.
250
00:09:15,184 --> 00:09:16,141
- Aw!
251
00:09:16,185 --> 00:09:17,490
Why does he get to...
252
00:09:20,711 --> 00:09:22,670
Excuse me.
253
00:09:22,713 --> 00:09:24,323
- Hey, Jack!
254
00:09:24,367 --> 00:09:26,325
Have you ever seen a turtle
255
00:09:26,369 --> 00:09:29,154
with a kitten
riding on its back?
256
00:09:29,198 --> 00:09:30,765
- Uh, no.
257
00:09:30,808 --> 00:09:33,115
- Well, you got somethin'
to look forward to, hon.
258
00:09:33,158 --> 00:09:34,812
- You know,
this incessant happy talk
259
00:09:34,856 --> 00:09:35,900
is a form of harassment.
260
00:09:35,944 --> 00:09:37,162
- Aww.
261
00:09:37,206 --> 00:09:38,903
What you got there?
262
00:09:38,947 --> 00:09:41,514
- It's an Italian espresso
maker for the faculty lounge.
263
00:09:41,558 --> 00:09:43,734
- Fancy.
Does it make cocoa?
264
00:09:43,778 --> 00:09:45,562
Because I'm a strict
cocoa-tarian.
265
00:09:47,259 --> 00:09:48,783
- You know, I mean this
in the nicest possible way,
266
00:09:48,826 --> 00:09:53,352
but you might be
the worst person I've ever met.
267
00:09:53,396 --> 00:09:56,094
- I'm gonna squeeze the candy
out of ya!
268
00:09:56,138 --> 00:09:58,836
- See, I really don't like
blue cheese.
269
00:09:58,880 --> 00:10:00,446
- Oh, just...
270
00:10:01,839 --> 00:10:03,841
Just laugh real hard
at whatever I say.
271
00:10:03,885 --> 00:10:04,929
Just... yes?
272
00:10:04,973 --> 00:10:06,365
- Oh-ho-ho!
273
00:10:08,716 --> 00:10:11,022
- Hoo!
- Oh-ho!
274
00:10:12,720 --> 00:10:14,199
- Quick, tell me
the funniest thing
275
00:10:14,243 --> 00:10:15,810
you've ever heard
in your entire life.
276
00:10:15,853 --> 00:10:17,942
- Um... oh, well,
Keith made me the cutest lunch.
277
00:10:17,986 --> 00:10:21,380
Yes!
278
00:10:21,424 --> 00:10:23,861
- Ha-ha! You...
279
00:10:30,694 --> 00:10:34,045
- You're just staring.
You're not doing anything.
280
00:10:34,089 --> 00:10:35,351
- Actually...
281
00:10:36,613 --> 00:10:38,093
You know what I want to know
from you guys?
282
00:10:38,136 --> 00:10:39,703
Tell me, what makes you smile?
283
00:10:39,747 --> 00:10:42,401
- This feels like a trap.
- No, no, it's not a trap.
284
00:10:42,445 --> 00:10:43,402
Come on, guys.
Extra credit.
285
00:10:43,446 --> 00:10:45,013
Wh
286
00:10:45,056 --> 00:10:46,231
- Getting my biology book back.
287
00:10:46,275 --> 00:10:47,711
- Mutant strains.
288
00:10:47,755 --> 00:10:49,713
- My iPhone.
- "Star Wars" LEGOs.
289
00:10:49,757 --> 00:10:50,540
- Dinner with my dad
290
00:10:50,583 --> 00:10:52,455
every third Wednesday.
291
00:10:52,498 --> 00:10:54,413
- I got one--
so an African-American,
292
00:10:54,457 --> 00:10:56,633
a Mexican-American,
and a honky walk into a bar--
293
00:10:56,677 --> 00:10:57,939
- No. No. Uh-uh.
294
00:10:57,982 --> 00:10:59,592
No, we're not gonna--
we're not gonna do that.
295
00:10:59,636 --> 00:11:01,333
That's-that's not
what I'm talking about.
296
00:11:01,377 --> 00:11:02,857
Think more, like,
warm and fuzzy, you know?
297
00:11:02,900 --> 00:11:04,902
And-and don't be afraid
to share somethin'
298
00:11:04,946 --> 00:11:06,556
that just makes you feel good.
299
00:11:06,599 --> 00:11:09,428
- It feels really good
to pee in the shower.
300
00:11:09,472 --> 00:11:10,821
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah. I know.
301
00:11:10,865 --> 00:11:12,605
But that's-that's not
what I mean.
302
00:11:12,649 --> 00:11:14,216
- Sorry to interrupt
303
00:11:14,259 --> 00:11:16,044
all the learnin',
but I got a little bad news.
304
00:11:16,087 --> 00:11:18,611
The wasps have overtaken
the band room again,
305
00:11:18,655 --> 00:11:20,309
so practice is canceled.
306
00:11:20,352 --> 00:11:21,919
Don't be sad, though,
307
00:11:21,963 --> 00:11:24,443
because every frown
is just a smile
308
00:11:24,487 --> 00:11:26,271
you're lookin' at
the wrong way!
309
00:11:27,490 --> 00:11:29,622
- Oh, Helen,
you beautiful idiot.
310
00:11:33,975 --> 00:11:40,111
♪
311
00:11:40,155 --> 00:11:41,809
Hey!
312
00:11:41,852 --> 00:11:42,984
- Good morning!
313
00:11:43,027 --> 00:11:45,290
- There she is.
Uh, Helen, would you like
314
00:11:45,334 --> 00:11:46,988
to come to dinner tonight
at my place?
315
00:11:47,031 --> 00:11:49,773
- I knew I shouldn't have worn
this low-cut blouse.
316
00:11:49,817 --> 00:11:52,820
Jack, I am sorry,
but you're just not my type.
317
00:11:52,863 --> 00:11:53,951
- No! No, it's not that.
318
00:11:53,995 --> 00:11:55,126
I just thought it might be nice
319
00:11:55,170 --> 00:11:56,693
for us to get to know
each other.
320
00:11:58,347 --> 00:12:00,784
Well, I would love that!
321
00:12:00,828 --> 00:12:03,221
Looks like somebody got bit
by the sweetie bug!
322
00:12:03,265 --> 00:12:04,483
- Right on my li'l bum-bum.
323
00:12:04,527 --> 00:12:05,963
- Oh!
324
00:12:06,007 --> 00:12:07,965
- Your bum-bum!
325
00:12:08,009 --> 00:12:10,315
Oh, that's so cute!
326
00:12:10,359 --> 00:12:12,578
I have not heard "bum-bum."
327
00:12:12,622 --> 00:12:14,015
I am gonna have a nip slip
on this.
328
00:12:17,670 --> 00:12:18,019
.
329
00:12:18,062 --> 00:12:19,542
- Jack.
330
00:12:19,585 --> 00:12:21,196
That was the most
sumptuous plate of food
331
00:12:21,239 --> 00:12:22,806
I have ever had
in my whole life.
332
00:12:22,850 --> 00:12:24,677
- Yeah.
Spaghetti's good.
333
00:12:24,721 --> 00:12:26,505
Uh, but listen, there is...
334
00:12:26,549 --> 00:12:28,812
another reason
why I brought you here tonight.
335
00:12:28,856 --> 00:12:30,466
- Damn this blouse!
336
00:12:30,509 --> 00:12:32,381
- No, Helen, it's not the--
it's never gonna be the blouse,
337
00:12:32,424 --> 00:12:34,209
all right, I just,
I'm working on a book
338
00:12:34,252 --> 00:12:37,038
to help people smile,
and I thought,
339
00:12:37,081 --> 00:12:40,563
well, who makes me smile
more than anyone?
340
00:12:40,606 --> 00:12:42,434
- Yeah.
341
00:12:42,478 --> 00:12:44,045
Ha-ha.
Helen does.
342
00:12:44,088 --> 00:12:46,221
So, um, I need your help.
343
00:12:46,264 --> 00:12:49,050
- Oh, I'd be so honored
to help you with your book.
344
00:12:49,093 --> 00:12:50,529
You know what I always say.
345
00:12:50,573 --> 00:12:53,184
Always go for a second helping
of helping!
346
00:12:53,228 --> 00:12:55,056
- Okay, yes!
That's the stuff I need.
347
00:12:55,099 --> 00:12:56,448
Yeah, I-I need--
I need more of those.
348
00:12:56,492 --> 00:12:57,928
You got a bunch of those?
349
00:12:57,972 --> 00:12:59,756
- Well, how about
we get together tomorrow,
350
00:12:59,800 --> 00:13:01,323
maybe lunchtime,
351
00:13:01,366 --> 00:13:02,759
and I can give you
a whole bunch of 'em--
352
00:13:02,803 --> 00:13:04,543
- No, no, no.
No, uh, now.
353
00:13:04,587 --> 00:13:05,762
I need 'em now.
354
00:13:05,806 --> 00:13:07,503
- Oh, Jack, I-I'm tuckered out.
355
00:13:07,546 --> 00:13:09,113
It's almost 8:30.
356
00:13:09,157 --> 00:13:10,462
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
No, no, no, just--
357
00:13:10,506 --> 00:13:12,377
I just need--
I need 75 more of these,
358
00:13:12,421 --> 00:13:14,075
and then we're good--
come on, we can do it.
359
00:13:14,118 --> 00:13:16,860
Look, I'll, uh,
I'll make us some coffee.
360
00:13:16,904 --> 00:13:20,603
- Oh, I-I really shouldn't.
- Helen.
361
00:13:20,646 --> 00:13:21,865
What's one cup?
362
00:13:21,909 --> 00:13:24,259
- Ugh, God, that smells good.
363
00:13:28,263 --> 00:13:32,310
High fives and low fives
are better than no fives!
364
00:13:32,354 --> 00:13:33,398
- Ha-ha!
365
00:13:33,442 --> 00:13:34,922
- If somebody calls you
a wet blanket,
366
00:13:34,965 --> 00:13:36,793
ask 'em how they'd like it
in a desert
367
00:13:36,837 --> 00:13:37,881
if they saw you there.
368
00:13:37,925 --> 00:13:39,100
Are you getting this?
369
00:13:39,143 --> 00:13:41,015
- Yes. Yes.
M-more. More.
370
00:13:41,058 --> 00:13:44,366
- If you step on a berry,
you just made some jam!
371
00:13:44,409 --> 00:13:46,542
I think I need
more coffee, Jack.
372
00:13:48,500 --> 00:13:50,502
If you pass gas
when you leave a room,
373
00:13:50,546 --> 00:13:52,026
it's called a toodle-oo!
374
00:13:52,069 --> 00:13:53,723
- That the first half
of something?
375
00:13:53,766 --> 00:13:55,290
- If you spill your milk,
376
00:13:55,333 --> 00:13:57,422
it's just a paper towel
gettin' a promotion!
377
00:13:57,466 --> 00:13:59,381
Oh, my God,
here's a good one, Jack.
378
00:13:59,424 --> 00:14:02,732
If you escape the womb,
you can escape anything!
379
00:14:02,775 --> 00:14:04,125
Boom!
380
00:14:04,168 --> 00:14:06,692
- I am gonna be rich.
381
00:14:13,003 --> 00:14:15,832
- So that was
the Wikipedia entry,
382
00:14:15,876 --> 00:14:18,966
and this is your paper.
383
00:14:19,009 --> 00:14:20,315
- Okay, Ralph.
384
00:14:20,358 --> 00:14:22,621
It is the third Friday
of the month.
385
00:14:22,665 --> 00:14:24,449
Funky Friday?
386
00:14:24,493 --> 00:14:26,364
The day that Mary and I usually
break out the karaoke machine?
387
00:14:26,408 --> 00:14:28,236
Well, today,
Mary can suck an egg,
388
00:14:28,279 --> 00:14:31,587
because you and I
are going to crush a duet.
389
00:14:31,630 --> 00:14:33,458
- Oh, no,
I haven't performed in years.
390
00:14:33,502 --> 00:14:36,940
I mean, I played trombone
in a ska band in college.
391
00:14:36,984 --> 00:14:38,550
You know, the Skanky Doodles.
392
00:14:38,594 --> 00:14:40,639
We had a killer rendition
of "Proud to Be an American,"
393
00:14:40,683 --> 00:14:42,990
all ska'd out, and,
you know, it was ironic.
394
00:14:43,033 --> 00:14:45,340
But also, no,
we were very patriotic
395
00:14:45,383 --> 00:14:47,211
but also questioned everything.
396
00:14:47,255 --> 00:14:49,692
You know, the...
'90s were nuts!
397
00:14:49,735 --> 00:14:51,172
- You'll be fine.
398
00:14:51,215 --> 00:14:52,869
No one's gonna be looking
at you anyway.
399
00:14:52,913 --> 00:14:55,132
See you later, girl!
400
00:15:00,050 --> 00:15:01,965
- Hey, hey, hey, hey.
401
00:15:02,009 --> 00:15:04,185
That's my presentation.
Give me that.
402
00:15:04,228 --> 00:15:05,751
Don't ever go through
my stuff again,
403
00:15:05,795 --> 00:15:08,972
or I'll beat your ass
with whatever I can... find.
404
00:15:09,016 --> 00:15:10,495
- Aw, you seem upset.
405
00:15:10,539 --> 00:15:12,367
Yo, maybe this
will cheer you up.
406
00:15:12,410 --> 00:15:15,239
Fries are like jeans--
they, uh, go with anything.
407
00:15:15,283 --> 00:15:17,502
That's very funny.
408
00:15:17,546 --> 00:15:19,330
You know what's really
gonna cheer me up?
409
00:15:19,374 --> 00:15:20,723
All the money I'm gonna get
from the millions
410
00:15:20,766 --> 00:15:22,072
of people who buy my new book.
411
00:15:22,116 --> 00:15:23,378
- "Hundred Smiles
in Your Pocket"?
412
00:15:23,421 --> 00:15:24,205
That's lame.
413
00:15:24,248 --> 00:15:25,815
- "You grow each day.
414
00:15:25,858 --> 00:15:27,208
Just ask your fingernails."
415
00:15:27,251 --> 00:15:28,731
- Yeah, well,
of course it sounds terrible
416
00:15:28,774 --> 00:15:29,993
when Marcus reads it.
417
00:15:30,037 --> 00:15:30,994
- This is the book
you told Miles
418
00:15:31,038 --> 00:15:32,387
you weren't gonna write.
419
00:15:32,430 --> 00:15:34,128
- It seems like
you're selling out, boss.
420
00:15:34,171 --> 00:15:35,607
- No, this isn't selling out.
421
00:15:35,651 --> 00:15:37,305
Let me just explain
how the world works.
422
00:15:37,348 --> 00:15:38,610
You see, sometimes,
you write something
423
00:15:38,654 --> 00:15:39,742
that's just so brilliant
424
00:15:39,785 --> 00:15:41,700
that dum-dums don't want
to publish it.
425
00:15:41,744 --> 00:15:45,530
So you go schmooze with
a couple Chad Bro Chillingtons,
426
00:15:45,574 --> 00:15:47,054
you know,
and then you crank out
427
00:15:47,097 --> 00:15:49,317
whatever drivel they want,
get paid.
428
00:15:49,360 --> 00:15:51,406
- That is the exact definition
of selling out.
429
00:15:51,449 --> 00:15:53,060
- Yeah, well, I'll be sure
to explain that
430
00:15:53,103 --> 00:15:54,539
to the Sex Pistols
when we're watching
431
00:15:54,583 --> 00:15:56,454
David Copperfield levitate
in my hot tub.
432
00:15:56,498 --> 00:16:00,632
- Maybe he can pull
your integrity out of a hat.
433
00:16:00,676 --> 00:16:03,244
- He certainly made
your principles disappear.
434
00:16:03,287 --> 00:16:05,072
Right?
- Ha. Magic puns.
435
00:16:05,115 --> 00:16:06,421
Yeah, nice.
436
00:16:06,464 --> 00:16:08,336
The ultimate indicator
of popularity.
437
00:16:08,379 --> 00:16:10,251
You know what?
I'm gonna take off,
438
00:16:10,294 --> 00:16:11,904
go to the airport early,
439
00:16:11,948 --> 00:16:13,297
grab a Cinnabon.
440
00:16:14,603 --> 00:16:16,779
- I got it--
"Maybe David Copperfield
441
00:16:16,822 --> 00:16:17,954
could pull a rabbit out of--"
442
00:16:17,998 --> 00:16:19,738
- Dude, he left.
443
00:16:24,874 --> 00:16:25,048
.
444
00:16:25,092 --> 00:16:27,181
- It is Friday!
Who's ready to get funky?
445
00:16:27,224 --> 00:16:28,791
- Hey, guys.
446
00:16:28,834 --> 00:16:31,054
- Me and my bestie
are going to sing it out.
447
00:16:31,098 --> 00:16:34,797
Come on, Durbs.
- All right. Ahem.
448
00:16:34,840 --> 00:16:36,364
- ♪ I tell you what I want,
what I really ♪
449
00:16:36,407 --> 00:16:38,192
♪ Really want,
so tell me what you want ♪
450
00:16:38,235 --> 00:16:40,020
♪ What you really,
really want ♪
451
00:16:40,063 --> 00:16:41,804
- ♪ I wanna, I wanna,
I wanna, I wanna, I wanna ♪
452
00:16:41,847 --> 00:16:44,676
♪ Really, really, really
want to zig-a-zig-nope! ♪
453
00:16:44,720 --> 00:16:47,549
Guys, I'm sorry, this...
ugh, this is wrong.
454
00:16:47,592 --> 00:16:48,985
All right?
And I don't mean my singing.
455
00:16:49,029 --> 00:16:51,640
I think I surprised everyone,
including myself,
456
00:16:51,683 --> 00:16:55,252
with how good I was,
but Mary and Stef,
457
00:16:55,296 --> 00:16:57,820
you guys, you've had
the smallest disagreement,
458
00:16:57,863 --> 00:17:00,083
a-and you're both being
so stubborn.
459
00:17:00,127 --> 00:17:01,824
I mean, one of you
has gotta step up
460
00:17:01,867 --> 00:17:03,217
and be the bigger woman.
461
00:17:03,260 --> 00:17:06,089
- I know he did not just say
"bigger woman."
462
00:17:07,134 --> 00:17:09,092
- Fine, you know what,
I guess--
463
00:17:09,136 --> 00:17:11,181
I guess I did freak out
a little bit
464
00:17:11,225 --> 00:17:13,444
because I was jealous
that you picked Michelle,
465
00:17:13,488 --> 00:17:16,317
and I thought we agreed
we were picking each other.
466
00:17:16,360 --> 00:17:17,840
- But we didn't agree.
467
00:17:17,883 --> 00:17:19,276
You told me to put you down
and just thought
468
00:17:19,320 --> 00:17:21,887
I would follow along,
and I usually do.
469
00:17:21,931 --> 00:17:23,933
Cobb club.
Funky Friday.
470
00:17:23,976 --> 00:17:26,675
Getting our nails done
on the 14th of every month.
471
00:17:26,718 --> 00:17:28,111
Gotta come up with a name
for that one.
472
00:17:28,155 --> 00:17:30,331
- So you don't like
all of that stuff.
473
00:17:30,374 --> 00:17:32,115
- No, I love it!
474
00:17:32,159 --> 00:17:35,118
But that doesn't mean I'm gonna
blindly do everything you say.
475
00:17:35,162 --> 00:17:37,686
Besides, I only chose Michelle
as my emergency contact
476
00:17:37,729 --> 00:17:39,296
'cause if something crazy
happened to me,
477
00:17:39,340 --> 00:17:41,907
well, you'd be right by my side
doing it too.
478
00:17:41,951 --> 00:17:43,300
Remember the last time
we almost died?
479
00:17:43,344 --> 00:17:46,129
Drunk, topless,
parasailing in the Bahamas?
480
00:17:46,173 --> 00:17:48,479
- Mm-hmm.
Girl, you're right.
481
00:17:48,523 --> 00:17:49,872
I guess if there was
an emergency,
482
00:17:49,915 --> 00:17:52,701
chances are
we'd be in it together.
483
00:17:52,744 --> 00:17:54,137
You know what, Ralph?
484
00:17:54,181 --> 00:17:56,792
Make Michelle
my emergency contact too.
485
00:17:56,835 --> 00:17:58,794
- Aww! You're so sweet!
486
00:17:58,837 --> 00:18:00,056
- Mm-hmm.
487
00:18:00,100 --> 00:18:01,536
- So, okay,
worst-case scenario,
488
00:18:01,579 --> 00:18:02,885
how long do you want me to wait
489
00:18:02,928 --> 00:18:04,974
before I give that plug
a little yank?
490
00:18:05,017 --> 00:18:08,630
- Jeez, Michelle!
- Long! Very long!
491
00:18:08,673 --> 00:18:10,501
- Okay. Okay.
492
00:18:13,765 --> 00:18:18,466
♪
493
00:18:19,510 --> 00:18:21,904
♪
494
00:18:21,947 --> 00:18:24,385
- All right, come on, bitch.
495
00:18:24,428 --> 00:18:26,387
Come on, bitch.
496
00:18:26,430 --> 00:18:29,259
You got this, bitch.
497
00:18:29,303 --> 00:18:31,305
Don't be a bitch!
498
00:18:37,789 --> 00:18:39,574
Come on, bitch.
You little bitch!
499
00:18:39,617 --> 00:18:41,663
Hey! What's up, bro?
500
00:18:41,706 --> 00:18:42,751
What's up, bronies?
501
00:18:42,794 --> 00:18:44,274
Hey, brosephinas.
Nice.
502
00:18:44,318 --> 00:18:48,060
Oh! It's the Egg-Man
from the FaceTime.
503
00:18:48,104 --> 00:18:50,933
Say hello to my little friend.
504
00:18:50,976 --> 00:18:55,329
Mm Yep.
505
00:18:55,372 --> 00:18:56,765
- Hey, Jack.
506
00:18:56,808 --> 00:18:58,419
Uh, we're really excited
about this.
507
00:18:58,462 --> 00:19:00,203
- Totally.
508
00:19:07,645 --> 00:19:08,603
- No.
509
00:19:08,646 --> 00:19:10,257
No, guys, I can't, uh...
510
00:19:10,300 --> 00:19:11,997
I can't do this.
511
00:19:12,041 --> 00:19:13,956
Look, I, uh...
512
00:19:13,999 --> 00:19:16,088
I want to tell you guys
about something better.
513
00:19:16,132 --> 00:19:18,874
It's called "The End:
A Philosophy of Death."
514
00:19:18,917 --> 00:19:20,789
That's me.
515
00:19:20,832 --> 00:19:22,921
That's what I'm about.
516
00:19:22,965 --> 00:19:24,619
- Yeah, I thought
Miles told you.
517
00:19:24,662 --> 00:19:26,273
It's not something
we're interested in.
518
00:19:26,316 --> 00:19:28,971
- Well, that's the only book
on the table today, so...
519
00:19:29,014 --> 00:19:30,755
- We get it, Jack, I mean,
520
00:19:30,799 --> 00:19:34,063
the smile book must have been
pretty tough for you to write.
521
00:19:34,106 --> 00:19:36,239
- Hold on a second there.
Who said it was tough?
522
00:19:36,283 --> 00:19:38,023
'Cause that wasn't tough,
all right?
523
00:19:38,067 --> 00:19:40,069
And if you guys read
what I wrote, you'd love it.
524
00:19:40,112 --> 00:19:41,766
You'd go nuts.
You'd buy it in a heartbeat.
525
00:19:41,810 --> 00:19:44,465
Here, let me just--
hold on.
526
00:19:44,508 --> 00:19:45,857
Oh, God.
527
00:19:45,901 --> 00:19:47,381
Who threw away
all this potato salad?
528
00:19:47,424 --> 00:19:49,078
- That was mine.
Sorry.
529
00:19:49,121 --> 00:19:51,254
- All right, well, whatever,
I'm just gonna hit you guys
530
00:19:51,298 --> 00:19:52,908
with a couple of
these smiles here.
531
00:19:52,951 --> 00:19:54,083
Uh, number 22.
532
00:19:54,126 --> 00:19:57,173
"It's not a flat tire,
it's a swing."
533
00:19:58,218 --> 00:19:59,828
Smile 46:
"If you step on a berry,
534
00:19:59,871 --> 00:20:01,003
you just made jam."
535
00:20:01,046 --> 00:20:02,265
See, I think
I've proven my point.
536
00:20:02,309 --> 00:20:04,006
You know, I can--
I can crank out
537
00:20:04,049 --> 00:20:06,922
the kind of crap you guys want,
but guess what?
538
00:20:06,965 --> 00:20:08,445
You're never gonna get
any of it.
539
00:20:08,489 --> 00:20:11,753
- Yeah, none of this
is what we wanted, at all.
540
00:20:11,796 --> 00:20:12,841
- You know what, I'm glad
I'm not moving
541
00:20:12,884 --> 00:20:14,190
to this stupid city.
542
00:20:14,234 --> 00:20:15,365
It's just filled
with a bunch of sellouts
543
00:20:15,409 --> 00:20:16,497
like you, Eggleston.
544
00:20:16,540 --> 00:20:17,759
Yeah, you're all just a bunch
545
00:20:17,802 --> 00:20:19,326
of fedora-wearing phonies!
546
00:20:20,718 --> 00:20:22,981
- None of us have fedoras.
547
00:20:23,025 --> 00:20:26,507
- Buddy... you are a fedora.
548
00:20:28,726 --> 00:20:31,120
So, I wasn't able
to hit Eggleston,
549
00:20:31,163 --> 00:20:32,643
but I pee-peed on his building,
550
00:20:32,687 --> 00:20:34,297
and I popped one of the interns
pretty good.
551
00:20:34,341 --> 00:20:36,386
There's a warrant for my arrest
in New York,
552
00:20:36,430 --> 00:20:37,387
but guess what?
553
00:20:37,431 --> 00:20:39,302
I ain't in New York.
554
00:20:39,346 --> 00:20:42,044
- So, a bunch of us
read your book about death.
555
00:20:42,087 --> 00:20:45,439
- Yeah, yeah, it's--
you know, it's... bleak.
556
00:20:45,482 --> 00:20:47,049
- It was awesome.
557
00:20:47,092 --> 00:20:49,443
- I can't stop
thinking about it.
558
00:20:49,486 --> 00:20:51,183
- Parts of it
were, like, scary.
559
00:20:51,227 --> 00:20:53,055
- And I like the part
about how, uh,
560
00:20:53,098 --> 00:20:55,231
destruction and creation
are basically the same thing.
561
00:20:55,275 --> 00:20:57,233
- Oh,
or the mouse trap analogy.
562
00:20:57,277 --> 00:20:58,713
That was about destruction,
right?
563
00:20:58,756 --> 00:21:00,323
- No, no,
it was about creation.
564
00:21:00,367 --> 00:21:02,238
- They're the same thing,
idiot.
565
00:21:02,282 --> 00:21:04,893
- No, that's the thing,
it's a cyclical process, right?
566
00:21:08,766 --> 00:21:10,202
- I'm dying.
- Totally.
567
00:21:10,246 --> 00:21:12,248
- We're dying.
Man, you dying!
568
00:21:12,292 --> 00:21:13,554
You're dying--
you got a little sister?
569
00:21:13,597 --> 00:21:15,077
She dying too!
38416
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