Original subtitles

(Transcribed by TurboScribe. Go Unlimited to remove this message.) Why are we here again?

Mr. Afterman needs home care.

Well, why doesn't he get a doctor in

Manhattan?

For some inexplicable reason, he likes you.

Well, he better be damn sick.

Excuse me, ma'am.

I wonder if you could...

Oh, absolutely.

You know, what does she look like?

A walking ATM?

You know, don't give him a dime.

Johnny, it's okay.

No, it's not.

Hey, you know, you want money?

Look in the newspaper.

Here, let me show you something.

Look at that.

That's a classifier.

You know what that is?

That's where people go when they're looking for

a job.

Remember what a job is?

You know, that's where you work all day,

at the end of the week.

They give you money.

You know, ma'am, all I wanted to

know is if you knew directions to the

St. Anne's shelter.

I've got to get cleaned up.

I've got a job interview later today.

You were saying?

Three blocks up on the right.

You can't miss it.

Thank you, ma'am.

And as for you, with a coat like

that, I should be giving you a book.

Boy, does he smell.

I heard that!

If he hadn't done it, I might have.

Good morning.

You're late.

And you're blonde.

I wasn't sure if you'd notice.

Do you like it?

Well, it's, uh...

No.

Did you do that yourself?

Of course not.

This is a very complicated process.

I had it done at a stand on

the side of the expressway.

$5 for sunglasses, hair coloring, or a pound

of crab meat.

You're kidding me.

$5 for a pound of crab meat?

Fine.

I'm your new delivery man, Arnoldo.

Uh, the cooler's down the hall to the

left.

Oh, my God!

Margaret, you have to do something.

What?

Just...

Oh, John, don't tell me you still have

that weird thing.

Yeah, when are you gonna have that thing

removed?

Have what removed?

Oh, then never mind.

But this is not a joke.

Every time I see one of those guys,

something terrible happens.

Something terrible happens whenever you see a water

delivery guy?

No, no, whenever I see one of those

little people person people.

Oh, John, please!

Margaret, don't argue with me.

Just call the company and get us a

new guy.

Please.

Do you honestly expect me to ask them

to replace that nice man just because you

think that little people make bad things happen?

I don't see the problem.

Look, I'm not saying he's not a perfectly

nice guy.

Have a nice day, folks.

You, too.

I'm just saying he's a harbinger of doom.

Hey, Vinnie.

Hey.

How you doing?

Good, good.

Well, that's not what it says here.

Your cholesterol's broken 300.

Well, you were wise not to sell a

268.

Here we go.

Yeah, that's right.

Let's do the dance.

Have you quit smoking, changed your diet, started

exercising, reduced your stress?

I bought one of those vibrating armchairs.

Oh, good.

Good, good, good.

Well, now pick it up and go for

a walk, you moron.

What am I gonna do?

I love eating.

I love smoking.

And I hate exercise.

Listen, I've tried to get in shape.

It's just too damn hard.

It's not that hard.

You know, have some self-control, will ya?

You smoke?

I do not.

I've seen you.

Yeah, we're not talking about me, are we?

Do you exercise?

Yes.

Yes, I do.

I exercise.

What do you do?

I-I run, and I swim, and I

skip.

You skip?

Yeah, I skip.

It's the latest thing.

Fine.

You know what?

I'll make you a deal.

Next time you go to the gym, take

me with you.

You can show me what to do.

Couldn't you go by yourself?

I tried, but it's like there's something that

stops me from going inside.

Would it help if they buttered the door?

If it's the only way I'm gonna get

you to the gym, you can come with

me, you know?

She's out of shape, and I have to

suffer.

Margaret, you know that stereotype about blondes being

easy?

Yes.

All of a sudden, the guy at the

donut shop is totally hitting on me.

It's like now that I'm blonde, he assumes

I'm easy.

Sex toy?

That's what the guy in the donut shop

called me.

Don't worry, Vinnie.

We'll get you in shape.

Hey, uh, thanks a lot, Dr. Berkman.

I really appreciate it.

No problem.

I belong to a great gym.

I need to join a gym.

You already belong to a gym.

I do?

Brick building two blocks over smells like sweat.

Reggie's Diner?

Bronx Fitness.

Oh, right, right, right, right.

All right, so where's my gym bag?

Next to your guitar and Taibo tapes in

the I'm-Gonna-Change-My-Life corner of

the storage room.

And you know why they're in the corner?

Because your Nordic track and pottery wheel are

taking up all the room.

All right, let's stop before someone gets hurt.

Good morning, everybody.

Reg, can I have some coffee to go,

please?

Hey, sweatin' to the oldies.

What's with the outfit?

I'm going to the gym.

Well, why are you so surprised?

Just so happens I used to work out

regularly.

Oh, yeah, right.

How long has it been now?

I don't know, a few months.

A few months?

Months, years, 1989, whatever.

Yeah, we got a new water delivery guy

down at the office, and he's one of

those little people persons.

You know, right after I saw him, one

of my patients tricked me into going down

to the gym.

No, Becker, you really shouldn't say that.

Oh, please, what am I supposed to say?

Height-impaired, vertically-challenged, abbreviated Americans?

All I know is they're bad luck.

Oh.

See what I mean?

Bad luck.

So, you think a monster lives under your

bed?

That if you step on a crack, you'll

break your mother's back?

No, listen, I...

You know, I would expect this kind of

bigoted, narrow-minded crap from some drunk in

a bar, but you're a doctor.

You should know better.

Look, don't take this the wrong way.

I don't think that you guys are bad

luck.

I'm just saying whenever I see one of

you fellas, I know bad luck's on its

way.

You're going to the gym, right?

Yeah.

Can you do a deep knee bend?

Yeah.

Good.

Then you can kiss my ass.

Oh, I gotta go.

I got more deliveries downtown.

Hey, look, I'm going that way.

Can I bum a ride?

Yeah, sure.

Can you believe that guy?

I mean, it's hard enough for people like

you and me as it is, right?

You and me?

Yeah.

You're Italian, right?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Italian, right.

You know, John, when you get to the

gym, you ought to see if they have

a machine that'll take your foot out of

your mouth.

I really think because a little person was

in here, a bad thing's going to happen.

That's absurd.

You were saying?

That has nothing to do with Arnaldo.

This whole place is falling apart.

Excuse me, sir.

Are you two members?

Oh, yeah, I am.

He's my guest.

I work out here all the time.

Well, I've never seen you.

Well, it's probably because I come here at

night when the other girl's here.

You mean Bruce?

You said you came here all the time.

I do, I do.

She's confused.

Um, yeah, this card is handwritten.

We got computers like a zillion years ago.

So...

So look it up.

Blondes.

Oh, yeah, here it is.

This membership has expired.

How could it be expired?

It's a lifetime membership.

Can I talk to someone in charge, please?

Well, you could take it up with the

gym's previous owners, but they've also expired.

Maybe we should just go.

No, no, no, no, no.

Look, I'm a doctor.

I want to work out with my patient.

Now, what do I need to do?

Well, you could join the gym.

Look, let's just forget it.

Let's go get a pizza.

No.

No, this would be a great gym for

you.

We don't discriminate on the basis of age

or fitness level.

Thank you very much.

You know, I'll join again.

Cool.

We offer three months for $69.

And that's $15 extra for the gas pass.

Unless you're a couple, then it's only a

dollar extra.

Honey, give her a dollar.

Fifteen minutes late, Mr. Hayward.

We're trying to run a medical office here.

When one person is late, it puts a

doctor behind schedule and pushes everything back for

the rest of the day.

I'm sorry.

It won't happen again.

Which room should I go to?

Oh, just have a seat.

The doctor's not here yet.

What a ditz.

Do you believe that, Margaret?

Mr. Hayward just called me a ditz.

And I think I know why.

It's because of my hair.

People think blondes are dumb, so he's assuming

I'm dumb.

Oh, come on, Linda.

You're not that...blonde. Oh, good.

You're finally here.

You've got patients waiting.

Where have you been?

Uh, well, I was at the, uh...

I was at the gym.

For three hours?

You don't understand, Margaret.

Vinnie DeLuca had a heart attack.

I can't believe Mr. DeLuca had a heart

attack.

It's so shocking.

Yeah, just yesterday.

He looked so...

Well, it's still shocking.

I gave him CPR, and then the paramedics

took us to Columbia Presbyterian where they did

an emergency angioplasty.

He's stable, but I don't think...

Oh, thank God.

Well, maybe one day, it wasn't such a

good idea to take him to the gym.

Well, what happened?

Did he try to do too much?

No, no, he hardly did anything.

I mean, you know, he watched me on

the treadmill for a while, and when he

finally got up, he took three steps, said,

this feels great, you know, clutched his chest

and hit the deck.

There's no way that felt great.

Okay, ready?

Wait, wait, hold on, hold on.

Now, why do I have to hold the

nail?

Well, you're sure as hell not swinging the

hammer.

Oh, mother of mercy!

Bob has wounded!

What happened?

Bob, do you really care?

Well, no, but you're unconscious, so I'm kind

of curious.

Well, I don't know.

Well, long story short, Becker was right.

Those people are bad luck.

What are you talking about?

I left here with that little Arnold guy

and I had the worst day of my

life.

First, I twist my ankle getting out of

his minivan, and yes, I'm aware of the

irony there.

Then I turn around to ask him for

help, and he's halfway down the block, so

I take a cab.

But when I go to pay, I realize

that I left my wallet in Arnold's van.

The cabbie was so pissed, I had to

give him my watch, my belt, and Jake's

name and address.

Wait, my name and address?

Well, I wasn't going to give him mine.

This guy looked crazy.

Oh, good, Bob, you're here.

I came to return your wallet.

Hope it didn't inconvenience you, honey.

Hey, what happened to your ankle?

I sprained it getting out of your mini...

your car.

No kidding.

Tough luck.

Well, here you go.

Thanks.

Can I get you anything?

Uh, maybe just a muffin.

Uh, Reg, are we going to do this

or not?

Yeah, right.

Okay, ready?

Okay, just be careful of my fingers.

I'm in the middle of a really great

book.

Don't worry.

Oh!

Oh!

Jake, I'm so sorry.

I had no idea how that happened.

Oh, let me get you some ice.

Yeah, I think I know how that happened.

Is he still here?

Boo, Bob.

Never mind.

You know, I think I'm just going to

take this to go.

I got to get home.

Need a ride, Bob?

No!

I mean, not that good.

Suit yourself.

Oh, fine, then.

Boo!

Reg, can I have some coffee, please?

Oh, man, what a lousy day I've had.

I took a patient of mine to the

gym.

He had a heart attack.

Is he all right?

No, he's stable, but I just...

What's going on?

What happened to your hand?

Why are you on crutches?

Yeah, I'll give you three little guesses.

Come on, Bob.

It's not fair to blame Arnaldo.

He's gone, Jake.

It's Arnaldo.

Well, of course it is.

It's all making sense.

You see, my patient, your hand, and your

foot.

I mean, whenever one of those guys is

around, something bad happens.

You're all being ridiculous.

Bad things happen because bad things happen.

It's all a stupid coincidence.

Oh, relax.

They're all loose.

Dr. Becker, Mrs. Cohen called.

She said that the Restoril you gave her

isn't helping her sleep.

She wants to know if you could prescribe

her something else.

Okay, uh...

Ambien, maybe.

No, she's got that weird insurance.

Uh, what's generic for Ambien?

What?

I was just thinking out loud.

You wouldn't understand.

Why wouldn't I understand?

Because I'm blonde?

You know, I'm gonna dye my hair back

to what I'm pretty sure is my natural

color so I can be treated like the

intelligent person that I am.

Oh, and by the way, the generic for

Ambien is zolpidem tartrate.

One day, I forgot my magazines, and the

only thing here to read was your stupid

medical book.

Hey, wanna look at my ass?

No, thanks.

Aren't you here to check my hemorrhoids?

No, no, I'm his doctor.

Oh.

While you're here, you wanna take a peek?

They're huge.

I'll pass.

Do me a favor, will ya?

When he wakes up, tell him Dr. Becker

dropped by.

I don't wanna disturb him.

Oh, don't be silly.

Vinnie, you got a visitor.

Oh, hey, Chuck.

How you doing, Vinnie?

Not bad.

Yeah, well, your vital signs are looking good,

and I'm glad to see the rhythms stabilized.

So they're telling me.

Yeah.

Have you seen his hemorrhoids?

They're amazing.

There's gotta be something else to watch around

here.

Don't you guys get cable or something?

Hey, uh, I wanna talk to you for

a second.

Sure.

Uh...

You know, when something bad happens to a

patient, it's very upsetting.

You know, especially if that thing could have

been avoided.

When that happens...

Hey, Doc, quick question.

How soon am I gonna be able to

sit down without that donut?

I-I'd have to look, and no, I'm

not going to.

Come on, you know you're curious.

Look, anyway, uh, you know, when a patient

gets injured, a doctor can't help but question

himself.

What-what I'm trying to say is, you

know, I'm just wondering if I failed you

in some way, Vinnie.

You know, maybe I should have tried harder

to get you to quit smoking or change

your diet, or, you know, maybe get you

to handle your stress better.

You know, I've had a long time to

sit here and think about this, and I...

Hey, anybody want a half a corned beef

sandwich?

Sure!

No, no, hey, no!

Go on, please.

Anyway, like I was saying, I mean, I've

-I've given this a lot of thought, and

I...

How about cake?

I got cake.

Hey, you know, there's a reason why God

inflated your ass to gigantic proportions.

Now, shut up and let us talk, will

you?

Fine, fine, more for me.

Look, Dr. Beck, what I'm trying to say

is...

don't blame yourself.

I mean, I should have taken your advice

and started taking care of myself years ago.

I'm just lucky you were there when this

happened.

I owe you my life.

Thanks very much.

I really...

really appreciate hearing that.

Well, you-you, uh, you get some rest,

and I'll come by and see you tomorrow,

all right?

Hey, if you're going, would you open the

curtain?

Told you.

You know, you're right.

They're absolutely amazing.

Oh.

You can all relax.

The fire's out.

Boy, that was something.

The way it started, just like that.

Yeah, just like that.

What?

Accidents happen, right?

Oh, you don't think that was my fault?

No.

Why, everybody?

You.

You know what you've done?

Huh?

You've spread your poison, and now they all

think I'm bad luck.

Well, I hope you're proud of yourself.

No, wait, wait, Arnaldo.

Sit down, please.

Why?

Please.

Look, I-I want to apologize.

What I said to you yesterday was stupid

and cruel.

Nobody should be made to feel the way

I made you feel.

What it's worth, I-I'm sorry.

Thanks, Dr. Becker.

You're Dr. Becker?

Yeah.

Dr. John Becker, the doctor who saved the

guy's life at the gym?

Yeah, that's me.

Wow.

I think it's a hell of a thing

you did.

It's a pleasure to meet you.

Oh, thank you very much.

Listen, I'm sorry about this, but you've been

served.

Oh.

Vinnie DeLuca's suing me for malpractice.

He says-he says that I gave him

a heart attack.

Hey, what the hell is that?

I saved a man's life, and he's suing

me?

I mean, how could that happen?

I'm going, I'm going.

I'm going.