Original subtitles

(Transcribed by TurboScribe. Go Unlimited to remove this message.) Damn super.

Oh hell, it's the machine.

Guys, it's three in the morning.

Alexei, I know you're there.

Come on, you can't be asleep.

You don't work.

What could you possibly be tired from?

You know, we didn't knock down the Berlin

Wall so you could import your Soviet style

and competence to the Bronx, so put the

vodka bottle down, get up here and fix

my sink.

Idiots.

Becker, shut up.

I'm trying to sleep.

Cram it, Grantquist.

You know what, don't you have anything better

to do than stay up all night waiting

for me to make noise?

I never have to wait long.

Damn neighbors.

And fix my damn lights.

You can add one more to the list

of people I'd like to kill.

My super.

I've been chasing after him for days to

fix my apartment.

I've been banging on his door, leaving angry

notes on his car, even left a string

of curse words on his answering machine.

Still the bastard won't return my call, which

to me is just rude.

You know what I think is rude?

Oh yeah, and to top it off, I'm

paying 450 bucks a month for that crap

hole, which you'd think would entitle...

Hold on, hold on.

Your rent is only 450 dollars?

Now how's that possible?

Uh, let's just say they didn't tell I

came along and they had trouble renting it

anyway.

What kind of trouble?

Nothing that a chalk eraser, some bleach and

a few open windows couldn't take care of.

You live in a dead guy's apartment?

It's a very old city.

Everyone lives in a dead guy's apartment.

Oh yeah, and to boot, you know, my

next door nightmare, Grenquist, has like bionic hearing.

I so much as breathe, he bangs on

the wall.

That must be so awful.

Tell me about it.

No, I mean how much would it suck

to live next door to you?

I need coffee and a muffin to go.

Oh, and can I use your men's room?

Sure, it's right through there.

Oh, only you don't want the door that

says men, that's actually the woman's room, but

the w-o is missing.

You want the door that says me, which

is men without the n.

It's the second door on the right.

Rosebud?

Citizen Kane?

Sorry, I'm all out.

Why don't you stay out?

Bad news, looks like Linda's kicking Bob out

of her apartment.

Ah, the tribe has spoken.

I don't even know what I did.

Last night, I'm on her computer surfing the

net, when all of a sudden she marches

in, tells me to put my clothes on,

and get out.

So now I have to find a new

place to live, which means I gotta go

out and get a job.

I'm telling you, it never ends.

Wait, how tough could it be, Bob?

I mean, find something you're good at, wouldn't

mind doing for eight hours a day.

That's what I was doing on the computer.

That'll be $1.75. Well, it's a pretty

nice place.

I'm uh, working construction a few blocks over,

I'll be sure to tell the guys.

Thanks.

This could be great for business.

Maybe I could make a working man's special.

You know, I'm in here every day, why

don't you make a John Becker's special?

Oh, I would, except for who'd buy a

sandwich made of crab bologna and bologna.

Hey!

Okay, okay, I know I'm late, but I

have a really good excuse, and this time

it's the truth.

I had it out with Bob last night.

Well, actually, Bob had it out, but that's

another story.

Anyway, I told him to find a new

place.

Well, it was very Christian of you to

take him in for as long as you

did.

Hey, you have an extra room at your

house, don't you?

You tell that little termite where I live,

I swear I'll take you both out.

Morning, John.

Mrs. Bayer is in two.

Fine.

Has Super My Billing called back yet?

No.

Oh, damn, Alexi.

I know.

Yeah, he's the laziest person I've ever met.

You're right.

It's just another pain in the ass thing

to add the list of pain in the

ass things that make up my life.

Oh, it's terrible, John.

You shouldn't have to put up with that.

Yeah, exactly.

What was that about?

Who knows?

It's just easier if I agree with him.

You are so right.

Hello, Mrs. Bayer.

Oh, I'm glad you came in today.

I think getting a flu shot is very

important this year.

You don't have to yell.

I finally got that hearing aid.

Oh, well, good for you.

That's terrific.

Glad to hear that.

Boy, you know, I can't believe the kind

of day I'm having.

I swear life is hard enough without having

to navigate the gauntlet of idiots out there.

Noisy neighbors, lousy drivers, incompetent workmen, you know,

rude cabbie.

Solve it in one day, though, am I?

Well, that should do it for a year,

Mrs. Bayer.

You know, I got to say, I think

the hearing aid is going to improve the

quality of your life.

It already has.

Oh, excuse me.

This guy, Chris Duff, is moving into the

building next door, but he's not in yet.

Do you mind signing for him?

Oh, sure.

No problem.

So someone finally bought that apartment.

I heard he bought the whole building.

Well, thanks.

Mm-hmm.

Chris Duff bought the whole building.

Intriguing.

What is?

Margaret, this is a case of imported French

wine from France.

A new low, Linda.

You are now hitting on a cardboard box.

But, Margaret, this guy, Chris, is perfect.

He's rich, he's sophisticated.

And for all you know, he could be

married.

Margaret, please.

If he's rich and sophisticated, his marriage isn't

going to mean anything.

Hey, Reg, there are people in here.

What's going on?

The place is full of construction workers.

Terrific.

So business must be good.

What business?

They're not ordering anything.

They just came in here to use the

bathroom.

Tough luck, Reg.

They're also reading your magazines.

No, that sucks.

No kidding.

I let one guy use the men's room,

they turned my restaurant into a public toilet.

Well, it didn't have far to go.

I mean, you put a condom machine where

the register is, and you're there.

Bob.

Yeah.

Ow!

May I help you?

Yeah.

Can I get a glass of water?

Oh, come on.

Look at the line.

The last thing you guys need is more

water.

In fact, you know what?

Either order something or get out.

Okay, okay, relax.

I'll have a roast beef sandwich.

You have roast beef?

Well, the government says I can call it

roast beef.

Hey, Hardhat.

Bob looking for work.

What exactly do you guys do?

Oh, well, we start around seven.

Forget it.

Hey, Reg, there are people in here.

What's going on?

Long story.

You see what happened?

Oh, then never mind.

Coffee to go.

Oh.

Hey, Jake, I love what you're doing with

your hair.

My hair?

What am I doing with my hair?

Well, I don't care what anybody says.

I like it.

Bob, what are you doing here?

You're supposed to be out looking for work

and a new place to live.

Yeah, well, for your information, I just finished

an interview in the construction field.

And plus, don't forget, I still got my

backup plan.

Bob, we discussed this.

The Mexican lottery is not a backup plan.

Oh, hey, don't forget your sandwich.

Yeah, right.

I work on a construction site, lady.

I bring my lunch.

You jerk!

I hope you choke on your lunch and

die!

So, have a nice day.

Wasn't working for you?

Hey, there are people in here.

What's going on?

Yeah, they're all waiting for the bathroom.

Oh.

Uh, then just coffee, please.

It doesn't have to do with the food.

They work down the street.

They just come in here to pee.

Well, now, cheer up, Reg.

You know, as a restaurant, this place is

a toilet.

But as a toilet, it could be really

special.

Hell hole.

Companies reporting their earnings.

First of all, I turned it down.

What do you want?

Hey, to hell with you, Grant Grist.

I'll play my TV as loud as I

want.

So, I called Alexi about fixing my shower.

Are you guys talking about the super?

Because I've had it with them.

You know, he's lazy, he's incompetent, and I

want him gone.

What's going on?

It's Alexi.

He's dead.

Oh, my God.

What happened?

He had a massive heart attack.

Well, I had no idea.

I mean, I feel terrible.

It's such a shock.

Do you think it's too soon to start

talking about getting someone good in here?

That's a little rude.

Oh, yeah?

What about you, Grant Grist?

What was all that banging on the wall

last night?

You know, I was trying to watch TV.

I didn't bang on the wall last night.

I was visiting my sister in Jersey.

Yeah, right.

No one was even in my apartment.

Well, except for poor Alexi.

He was re-caulking my shower.

Alexi?

Yeah, I found the body.

Funny thing, though, he was in the living

room holding a hammer, and there was a

hole in the wall, like he was pounding

or something.

Yeah, the paramedics think that he was calling

out for help.

Oh.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

oh, oh.

Oh, my God.

That must have been the banging you heard.

Alexi's dying.

I didn't hear banging.

You ignored the pleas of a dying man.

No, I thought I was ignoring you.

And you call yourself a doctor?

You know, it's just so sad that it

takes something like this to bring us all

together.

Hey Margaret, look what we got.

Linda, we didn't get anything.

Those belong to our new neighbor.

Chris stuff is so cool.

I can't believe I finally met the perfect

man.

Linda, I keep telling you, you haven't met

anyone.

You met a bunch of boxes.

Although that is a step up from most

of the guys you date.

It just so happens that I know a

lot about Chris.

For example, he got ski boots, so I

know he's athletic.

He got CDs, so I know he listens

to music.

And he got something from eBay, so I

know he has a lot of free time.

Hey Margaret, you know how I've been trying

to get in touch with my super?

Well, he died.

Oh my God.

Yeah, I feel terrible.

I mean, I know I yelled at him

and called him a lazy son of a

bitch, but that doesn't mean I didn't like

him.

And I tried telling that to my idiot

neighbors.

They think I killed him.

Did you?

Of course I didn't.

Are you sure?

Because you had motive, you had opportunity, and

let's not forget, yesterday you said you wanted

to kill him.

Yeah, if I were capable of killing somebody,

would you still be alive?

He didn't do it.

Excuse me, could I...

The bathroom's right there, just follow the line.

If you want something to read, just leave

a book.

Aw hell, just take it.

I'm not here to use the restroom.

Oh, you're not?

I'm sorry, it's just the last two days,

that's all anyone's come in here for.

It's starting to make me wonder why bother

even keeping the place open.

You never wondered that before.

Jake?

I don't know what you guys are so

depressed about.

I mean, I think these old diners are

great.

We had one just like this where I

grew up.

Yeah, looking around brings back a lot of

memories.

Really?

Oh gosh, you don't know what it means

for me to hear that.

So, what can I get you?

Please, anything.

Oh, I'm not hungry.

I just needed some change for the meter.

Get out.

In fact, every single one of you, get

the hell out and stay the hell out.

Well, I don't think those Depop chopper tapes

are working for you.

Shut up, Becker.

Yeah, you know, you're right.

I got my own problems.

My super died, my jackass neighbors think I'm

responsible for it.

Look, that guy you said you wanted to

kill?

It's a figure of speech, Jake.

Until the dude turns up dead.

What's the matter with you people?

I didn't kill that guy.

Hey, Becker, you know that guy you killed?

I just got his job.

I didn't kill anybody, Bob.

What'd you just say?

I'm your new super.

But Alexi just died this morning.

How could you even know about the job?

I owe it all to Linda.

Linda helped you?

My Linda?

If I help you mean, left your office

as soon as she heard the old super

quote, ran to your building, gave them my

resume, which by the way, she wrote, acted

as a reference, and wouldn't leave until they

agreed to hire me?

Then yeah, she helped.

But you don't know anything about being a

super?

What to know?

Jake can do it for crying out loud.

Hey.

Not to mention it's the deal of a

lifetime.

Good salary, free apartment, and I get to

sit on my ass all day and pretend

I don't speak English.

It's what I was born to do.

This can't be happening.

Don't worry.

Whatever you need, day or night, my door

is always open.

And thanks to my new passkey, so is

yours.

Hey, Jake, do you realize what this means?

Yeah, Bob has someplace else to go.

Bye-bye, Bob.

You know, I don't like seeing you here.

I sure as hell don't want to see

you at home.

And there's no way you're living in my

building.

Not if I have anything to say about

it.

Thanks for your support.

You see?

I'm not even listening to him.

I'm a super already.

Hey, Margaret, you know that package of Christmas

I couldn't figure out?

Look what was inside.

A hand?

No, that's Mr. Reed's hand.

I had him hold the box.

You're always saying not to waste the x

-rays.

Look, a compound fracture and a riding crop.

Oh, Chris must ride horses.

Yeah, Margaret, that's what it's for.

Linda, how could you?

This is the worst.

Bob is my super.

Yeah, I figured it was the best of

both worlds.

I got him out of my apartment.

And?

And I'm happy about it.

You know something, Linda, you screw up a

lot and I'm usually pretty tolerant.

I even, I even overlooked the time you

used the specimen cups to make jello shots.

But this, oh, this by far is the

worst thing you've ever done.

That you know of.

Hi, I'm your new neighbor.

I think you have some of my packages.

Oh, this ought to be good.

No, our new neighbor is Chris Duff.

Yeah, that's me.

I'm Chris.

No, I think you're wrong.

I think I know who I am.

I don't think you do.

You can't be Chris.

Well, Christina, really.

So those are your ski boots?

Yeah.

And your CDs?

Yeah.

And your wine from France?

Yeah, it's all mine.

Well, thanks.

I'll come back for the rest.

Hope it wasn't too much trouble.

No, it's just that you were the perfect

guy and I was hoping.

Never mind.

Wait.

Yeah.

Are you at least gay?

Are you?

Well, yeah, actually I am.

Why are you?

No.

In conclusion, I appreciate the warm welcome and

I'd like to thank you all in advance

for allowing me into your home.

Oh, I can't believe this.

Feel free to drop by any time.

If I'm not home, just write your request

on the back of a 20 and slide

it under my door.

Wait a second here.

There's no way we can hire this idiot

to be our super.

He's lazy.

He's incompetent.

He hasn't made an honest dollar in his

entire life.

You know, that reminds me, am I going

to get paid weekly or bi-weekly?

Not to mention the fact he doesn't know

the first thing about building maintenance.

Hey, he seems like a good guy.

Why not give him a chance?

He helped me carry my groceries.

He held the door for me.

He held the ladder for me while I

got something off my top shelf.

Oh, I bet he did.

Look, he's in every part of my life.

I just don't want him here.

Oh, well, why don't you just kill him?

Like you killed Alexi?

I did not kill Alexi.

I just didn't try to save him.

Not that I knew he was dying.

Look, I'll be damned if I'm going to

pay $450 a month to live in a

dump with crappy neighbors and a super that

I can't stand.

Your rent is only $450.

What?

Oh, give me a break, will you?

Someone was murdered in there.

Don't count Alexi.

Two people have been murdered in his.

And I'm paying $600.

And someone died in mine too.

Mine too.

Oh my God, we're living in a house

of death.

I've tried to reason with you people, but

bottom line, Bob stays, I move out.

Shove hands?

Screw you people, I'm not moving out.

You know, I'll get rid of Bob myself

if I have to.

I'll call the city.

I'll report you.

You'll report us for hiring a super?

Yeah, you're damn right I will.

Yeah, let me tell you something else too.

You know, you were the biggest bunch of

morons that I've ever met.

Do me a favor, just don't talk to

me.

I won't talk to you.

You don't talk to me.

Okay?

Yeah, goodbye.

Good riddance.

You know, just so you know, you people

deserve to have a super like Bob.

Mark my words.

You'll see.

It's broken, dumbass.

Fix the damn elevator, will ya?