Original subtitles

This is so exciting, being in L.A.

I already feel like I'm tanner, thinner,

and that I have to hide my homosexuality to be cast as a leading man.

Hey, look, all the people in this hotel are looking at me.

They probably think I'm someone super famous checking in.

- Excuse me. Are you-- - Nicole Kidman? No.

I was going to say Kathy Griffin.

I'll take it.

Elliot, hold those bags a little higher.

When we were walking by the gutter you almost hit Colin Farrell in the head.

Elliot, you must be so excited.

I can't believe you might be going to UCLA.

I just seems like yesterday you were playing with a GI Joe doll

and spilling you juice box on our rug.

That was yesterday. And it was Jack.

No, but it's so cool of you and Will to come check out UCLA with us.

Of course, Elliot. I mean, we wouldn't miss it. You're family.

You wanna come next month when we check out University of Kansas?

Oh, God no. What celebrities live there?

Truman and Adler checking in.

Move it. Me first.

Hello, Mr. I Moved Here To Become An Actor, Failed,

And Then Decided Working In A Hotel Is Really What I Wanted To Do After All.

Karen Walker checking in.

I reserved the entire eighth floor and bungalow two.

I'm like doggie. I can't poo in my own cage.

The bellman will see you upstairs.

Jack, you think we could go up to the room?

I wanna be early for our campus tour.

Yeah, you're gonna love our room.

I requested a view of the Hollywood hills.

So if it rains, we can watch all the houses slide down the hill.

Thank you.

All right, let's go.

My God. That looked like James.

Remember? The- That guy that I met the night of The Sound of Music sing-along?

Will, you've got to stop.

You've thought you've seen this James guy, like, ten times in the last month.

He was not in line at Dean and DeLuca.

He was not our pilot who flew us out here.

And he was definitely not cured of blindness on that Christian station.

I know. It's just... I wish I got his last name or his phone number.

I've been back to that theater, like six times hoping to run into him again.

I actually had to buy a ticket to Big Momma's House 2.

Had to? You've been quoting lines from that movie all week.

"Momma's gonna dole out some justice up in here!"

Are our rooms next to each other?

Yes, they are. Can they not be?

Will?

James? Oh, my God. It is you!

Hey. Wow, this is so bizarre. What are you doing out here?

I'm on vacation. What are you doing here?

I'm working. I'm a photographer. You wanna go get a drink?

Yeah. I can't-- This is so weird.

I swear for the last month, I've been seeing you everywhere.

Me, too.

I actually thought I saw you at Williams Sonoma trying on bunny rabbit oven mitts.

Heh-heh... That was me.

WILL AND GRACE I Love L. Gay - S08 E014

Transcript: http://www.durfee.net/ Syncro: ovidurex

Karen? Have you seen Elliot? I'm worried sick.

He went out to a party last night with some kids

he met on the campus tour and stayed out all night.

Honey, that's not good.

Well, I can tell you he wasn't at the Phi Theta Mu house.

Fun party. More like the "I Felta Thigh" house.

I did a beer bong and cuddled with a girl named Lindsay.

Hey, guys.

Oh, Elliot! Where were you?

I wanna know exactly where you were last night.

I went to a party with some people and did some stuff.

Oh, okay. Now that I know the details, I feel so much better.

I'm gonna go crash.

Honey, what the hell was that?

Oh, you saw that? I had to pull my pants out of my butt a little bit.

No. Elliot owes you an explanation.

Jackie, you're his father. You've got to start acting like one.

Well, it's hard.

It's a very complicated relationship between a sperm donor dad

and the child of a lesbian who shows up on his door 13 years later.

There's really only one book about it.

And not a lot of stores carry Yank, Squirt, Doink, Dyke, Baby.

I know, honey.

All I'm saying is that Elliot's going to be going away to college next year.

Soon he won't be around for you to protect him.

And help him to make the right choices.

So, now while you go talk to him, I'm gonna run back to the Phi Theta Mu house

and teach Lindsay that you only have to use condoms if he's ugly.

Look at that couple. The one guy is so much cuter than the other guy.

Mis-match.

- Look, they're pointing at us too. - Stop looking at them.

So, you wanna, wanna go in the pool?

Oh, can I put my ring in your shoe?

I don't know what that entails, but sure. I'm game.

My engagement ring.

Oh! I'm sorry, your engagement what?

It's for my green card.

I'm Canadian and my friend Claire offered to marry me

so that I could stay in the country.

Oh, that is so sweet. My friend Grace won't even flush the toilet.

All right, come on, let's get in.

You know what? I'll be in there in a second. I got a bit of a cramp.

There you are! Thank you.

Thank you for making me go to Grauman's Chinese Theater all by myself.

I looked like an idiot standing in John Wayne's footprints alone.

Because your feet are bigger?

And my hands. Was he tiny, or am I just a monster?

The reason that I blew you off,

remember that guy that I thought was James in the lobby?

It was him. And he is amazing.

Where is he? Introduce me.

Yeah, maybe later.

What's the matter? You think I'm gonna turn him?

Turn him? He's already gay.

No, I just... wanna have him to myself for a while. You understand, right?

What's the big deal? You just met him, like, two days ago.

Don't you see?

We meet in New York, and a month later we meet in LA. It's fate.

No, fate is me signing Kathy Griffin autographs

for ten bucks a pop and running into her doing the same thing.

I'm serious. I think this is the beginning of something.

Oh, Will, it sounds like you're moving a little fast.

I know what I'm doing. Hurry up, get out of here.

He's getting out of the pool.

All right, fine. I'll go.

- Is that him? - Yeah.

Mis-match.

I had such a good time last night. I tried sushi.

I climbed on this roof and chipped my tooth on a satellite dish.

Then I did a beer bong and cuddled with a girl named Lindsay.

We really need to talk about last night.

Oh, I'm sorry, Jack. I can't.

And I also can't go to the beach with you later.

Some of the guys called, and they want to hang out.

Well, just as second. You should have called me.

I was up all night watching Telemundo and worrying myself sick.

Hey, I'm sorry. Look, I gotta go.

No, no, no. You can't.

What?

You've behaved irresponsibly, so... you're grounded.

That's funny. See ya later.

I'm not kidding.

I am not spending another night watching Spanish soap operas

wondering where my son is!

Now, you are going to sit here and think about what you are wearing tomorrow.

You're not the guy who tells me what to do.

Yes, I am. I am your father,

and if I say you're not going, you're not going.

My father? All you did was donate sperm.

You're not Dad. You're Jack.

- Elliot-- - I'm going out.

Elliot!

Que lastimo mi nino...

I just realized I do know your work.

You took that photograph, that amazing shot of Kate Moss in the dumpster

with the lettuce leaf on her head. That was genius.

I can't take credit. I found her like that.

Mr. Hanson? You have a phone call at the front desk.

Get that. I'll order us drinks.

Mis-match.

Excuse me. That was Kathy Griffin I saw you with.

Could you get me her autograph?

Sure. It's ten bucks.

Eh, it's for my niece. I'll do it myself.

Hey. Everything okay?

Actually, no. That was Claire.

Apparently she me somebody and now she doesn't want to marry me.

I don't get it. She's not pretty, smart, or funny.

I really thought this was a fool-proof plan.

So, what does this mean?

It means I have to leave the country.

Oh? When-- When do you have to go?

My visa expires in four days.

Crap. So I did those push-ups for nothing.

Thanks a lot, Karen.

I took your advice and tried to be a dad to Elliot.

And we ended up having a huge fight.

He said I wasn't really his father and he stormed off. Oh!

Oh, honey, he didn't mean it.

Mason and Olivia say the most horrible things about me.

And sometimes to the police.

[SIGHS] No, he did mean it. Maybe he's right. I'm not his father.

Listen. Every parent goes through this.

When I lost Mason in Egypt for four weeks,

I'll be honest. I doubted myself.

I didn't think there was any way he would ever again think that I was a good mother.

When he rang our doorbell that day, covered in stickers...

All was forgiven. Jack, trust me. You're a good father.

You can ring my bell...

Honey, what's that?

It's my cell phone.

Ding-a-ling-a-ling, my bell...

Cool ring tune, honey.

Thanks, I miss a lot of calls

'cause I like to get all the way to the ding-a-ling-a-lings.

You can ring my bell...

Ring my bell, my bell...

Oh! It's Elliot. Oh, it's Elliot.

Hello? Elliot? Hello? Oh. Yeah. Just a second.

He wants to talk to you.

What can I do you for, Smelliot? Okay. Bye.

He's stranded and needs a ride.

Oh, well, where's he at? I'll go get him.

Honey, he wants me to go. I'm sorry, Jackie. I feel awful.

Me, too.

You can ring my bell... ring my bell, my bell...

Oh, my God. You've gotta come downstairs and see this.

Tara Reid dropped her martini in the pool

and now she's drinking the water.

Come on.

- Are you packing? - Yes.

For real, or are you having fun?

Do I look like I'm having fun?

Kinda.

Well, that's because I'm using my shirt board

and that always makes me a little happy.

I'm going home, Grace.

James green card marriage fell through, and now he has to go back to Canada.

Oh, how awful for him.

Those Canadians are so smug, with their health care and their gay rights.

It's easy to be like that when you're not a real country.

Did you hear what I said? James and I are over.

God. The one time that I don't over-think something.

The one time that I take a chance, and this is what happens.

Will, I'm sorry, but it was gonna end anyway.

I mean, that... that's what happens with flings.

This was not a fling.

Will, I am sure that James is a really great guy.

But you've only known him a couple of days. And you're on vacation.

Maybe you just got caught up a little.

Grace, you know me. I don't get caught up.

I'm like the one gay man I know that never got highlights.

I mean, I cover the grey. I'm not a caveman.

You know, I mean, maybe we could have had something.

You know, and now... now we'll never have a chance to find out.

Does he feel the same way?

Yes. I think. I mean, how could he not.

See, you don't even know.

Why don't you just slow down, enjoy the next two days...

and then see where you are.

I can't. I don't want to go any further down a dead end road.

Ugh. There you are!

I got lost and had to stop at a bar for directions.

I couldn't understand one thing anybody said.

The gay accent is so thick here.

Well, what are you doing here? I thought Karen was coming.

Well, you got me whether you want me or not, Elliot.

So, come on.

No, I-- I do want you.

I only called Karen because I didn't think you'd come after all the things I said.

Elliot, if you need me, I'll always come and get you.

It doesn't matter what awful things you say to me,

or how long you insist on keeping that Keira Knightly haircut.

You're my son.

Now, tell me exactly what happened tonight.

These guys, they wanted me to go to the ATM

to get money so we can get beer, and uh....

After I gave it to them, they just drove off,

laughing and flipping me off.

I'm starting to think I got ditched.

I once got ditched, too.

I was in high school and it involved an actual ditch.

I'd still be there if that police dog hadn't picked up my scent.

All part of growing up. Let's go.

Wait. Jack. I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have said you weren't my dad.

Anyway. Isn't it weird that all of this happened right

when you were about to go to college,

and you don't even need a dad anymore.

Well, maybe I still kinda do.

Yeah, we can't hug here.

We're on the corner of Murder and Homophobia.

So, we'll be checking out early.

Oh, and just so you know, I had a break-in. They cleared out the mini-bar.

They didn't take the fruit... or that other half of that weird granola thing.

That's strange.

Oh, and, um, also another thing you should also know,

is that, um, there was no coffee machine when I checked in.

Do you mind if I sit?

No, go ahead.

Wow, you really are handsome.

I'm sorry, I should tell you that I'm gay.

Oh, yeah. I got that.

You're reading Gourmet Magazine and ripping out recipes.

Um, look--

I don't mean to sound rude,

but I don't really feel like talking right now.

Oh, I see.

I mean, what am I gonna say, you know?

I can't be all broken-hearted over a guy I've known for two days.

Even if he is great. I mean, I have to-- I'm sorry.

I'm taking up all your time, and clearly you've got money to make, so...

Wait. You think I'm a hooker? I'll take that.

It's just that it sucks, you know.

I thought that this could really be something.

And now I'm not gonna get a chance to find out.

Well, what if was only meant to be a fun weekend.

How much do you even know about him?

Well, uh... I know his favorite color is antique paper.

And that he calls his shirt board Flatimir.

He knows all the lyrics to "Walking on Sunshine,"

which is a bummer, but I can get over it.

That's how much I like him.

I mean, I haven't met a guy like that in so long...

who seemed honest and real and kind...

He is. And he feels the same way about you.

I'm Grace, by the way.

Oh. Will told me you were funny.

Oh, that's sweet.

That's why I didn't think it was you.

Well, if it makes you feel any better, Will's pretty miserable, too.

He's upstairs packing.

For real or for fun?

For real.

What are you doing?

Checking out. I was gonna come say goodbye after I finished making the bed.

You make your hotel bed, too? So do I.

It just got harder to leave you.

You guys, I have something to say.

This is not a good time, Grace.

Yeah, but, what if--

Please, I'm trying to say goodbye here.

I don't wanna say goodbye.

Well, I don't wanna say it either,

but I don't see what else there is to do.

I do. What if I--

Wh-Wh-- What if you what, Grace?

What are you gonna do that will magically solve

this miserable and hopeless situation?

What if I marry James?

Yeah, that will solve it. You're not serious.

No, no, Grace, that's crazy.

Why? I mean, you guys clearly have something here.

You deserve to see where this relationship could go.

Are you sure?

It's only two years.

What have I done in the last two years? I can't think of one thing.

That's true. She didn't even read The DaVinci Code.

So, what do you say, James?

Will you marry me?

Yes, yes, I will.

- May I kiss the bride? - Yes.

Mis-match!