Original subtitles

Oh. That was delicious

You know, there is nothing like a balanced breakfast to start your day off right

What's balanced about nine uppers and an iced coffee?

At home I had nine downers and a hot tea

Oh! I'm so excited!

The Sound of Music Sing-Along is back! And I'm not missing it this time

Oh, it's going to be so much fun We can dress up like the characters

and sing all the songs

Oh, we can go as Maria and Captain Von Trapp, I call Maria!

Well. I just hope there aren't too many gay guys there dressed like nuns

Brings back bad memories of Catholic school

I don't know Gay guys and sing-alongs?

It's all a little to obvious, isn't it?

I just hate to feel like a stereotype

Mm! This is whole milk!

Great. I just drank whole milk Now I'm fat and I'll never find love

You're coming. And stop pretending like you don't like this movie

Your mother showed me those photos You know the ones I'm talking about

All right It'll be fun

And where else can you see grown men in floral short shorts belting out show tunes?

Do-re-mi-fa-so-la-ti-do, so do!

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8x10 Von Trapped

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Do you think people can tell I'm Maria, even though I don't have my Captain Von Trapp?

Of course, honey You make a perfect Maria

You're sweet and perky, and you're obviously not cut out to be a nun

Because you're a whore

Thanks, Karen

- And a Jew - Yeah, I got it!

Oh, how cute! Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes

Yeah, I don't think those are girls

You know, as much fun as this is I think I'm going to get a drink

Actually, more like sixteen going on seventeen

Mm-mm, What is that vision in brown at the candy counter?

Oh, I know. Doesn't that Hershey bar look delicious?

I'm talking about the cute guy, not candy

Later hosen

Here you go

What am I supposed to do with this?

Well, you're supposed to tear it in two give me one half

and I guess keep the other half for your big theater scrap book

I'm not an usher

Well, then why are you dressed like an usher?

I'm not. I'm Captain Von Trapp

I have seven singing children and my cold heart was recently melted by a young nun

Where do you think you are?

Uh, at the Sound of Music Sing-Along Where do you think you are?

At the 7:40 showing of Memoirs of a Geisha

Ooh. I think you're in the wrong place

If this isn't the theater showing Memoirs of a Geisha

then why are all these people coming out going "Eh"

Hey

- Where are you? - Where are you?

- I'm right by the door - I'm by the door

I don't see you Are you at the entrance at 39th?

39th? I thought you said 3rd and 9th!

That's the last time I let you give me directions while you're eating a muffin

Well, get here as fast as you can

I'm all dressed up as Maria I look like an idiot without you

While I, in a Viennese captain's uniform

fit right in at the 7:40 showing of Memoirs of a Geisha

I'll be there as soon as I can

39th Street. That's "fa"... sounds like you've got a long, long way to run

Heh. I guess I'm the one that looks like a complete fool. Heh-heh

Don't feel too bad. My shoes don't match my belt

Actually they do

I can't believe I'm in the wrong theater

Well... Maybe you're not

So. Tell me something, peanut brittle

If we were boyfriends would I be able to get free nachos?

- Yes. Would you like some free nachos? - Oh, no I couldn't! I'm watching your figure

I was just in the bathroom and what do you know

I just scored a few of my favorite things

It's official Ralph and I are in love

His butter might be fake but his feelings for me are very real

All right. I have to wait for Will

You go and save seats in the front row of the balcony

I brought marionettes to dangle over the orchestra during "Lonely Goatherd"

if you put even half this much energy into finding a man...

Nah, probably still wouldn't work

I'm double parked. Can you keep an eye on them for a second?

- Uh, no. Not really.. - Thank you!

Wh..? Hey! What do I look like? Some kind of nanny?

So, what is it about the Sound of Music

that makes otherwise reasonable people dress up and act like lunatics?

You're asking the wrong person I'm just going for my friends

I'm not really a fan. I think the whole movie is dopey and sentimental..

- Oh, really? 'Cause I love it - Oh, thank God, because I love it, too!

I know the lyrics to every song

and the last time I was hiking a helicopter flew over

and I twirled and twirled 'til I threw up

Wow. I, uh, I guess I just like it then

Excuse me

- Hello? - Where are you?

I think I met someone!

I don't see how that's possible, because every gay man in the city is in this theater

There's so much lisping going on, it sounds like someone poked a hole in the lobby

I just have to run off to the bathroom

Do you mind if they sit with you and your girls?

- No, they're not my.. - Thanks!

Oh, this sucks!

- Just hurry up! - All right

Sorry

- Problem with Maria - I see

How do you solve a problem like Maria?

How do you catch a cloud and pin it down?

- I'm done with those - Yeah, me too

Hey. I brought us some sodas And Ralph gave me fire balls

Try not to itch, honey It only makes it worse

Thank you

Ah... Just the right amount of soda

You brought liquor into a movie theater? That is so classy

Well... Everything I do has a touch of class, Jackie

You hit someone!

Oh, he's okay, though. But his wife is complaining to an usher

She's really steamed

Which I guess is appropriate, since she's dressed as a bright, copper kettle

Crap. I had to hit one of the six straight people here

They're so litigious They're all like

"Oh, I got hit by a bottle" You hit a queer and they're like

"Did I just get hit by a bottle? Eh. All in a day"

Karen, that is an ugly and offensive remark which has no basis in reality

Eh. All in a day

We'll be holding the film until we find the person who threw an object from the balcony

I don't care Hold it

If you have any information as to this person's identity or whereabouts

please report to an usher immediately

Big deal. Like what are they gonna do?

What we are gonna do is call the police and have them arrest the guilty party

- Karen, we gotta get out of here! - Hold on, hold on

Do you have any leads?

- I guess he went on break - Go!

Okay, let's make a run for it

Honey, we can't My name was on that flask

You put your name on the flask?

Yeah. It says "Karen Walker Bikini Inspector." I got it on spring break

I hardly saw you that trip. You were so into your "Rich Women Gone Wild" shoot

Okay. So you go back in the theater and try and find it

- I'll see if Ralph has heard anything - Okay

Hello, Ralph

Listen... I heard somebody threw a flask over the balcony?

- Any idea who that was? - How did you know it was a flask?

- I didn't. You just said it was - Oh, that's right

Well, they still don't know who did it

- You didn't see anything, did you? - No. Once Karen threw it, I just ran

Right. Well, if you hear anything let me know

Oh, great. Child care

Child, yes Care...

Ugh. I can't believe I'm missing this movie Where the hell is Will?

We don't know so please stop asking

You know, what? You're right

I apologize to you And you

And yieu, and yieu, and yieu

If you were gay, you'd be rolling

Why? Is that from the movie?

Well, yeah, it's from..

Have you never seen this?

It's just.. It's a.. It's just the best movie ever!

What kind of parents do you have?

Well, they left me here with you

So you don't know any of the songs?

Okay now. I'm starting to think I was sent to you children for a reason

I'm going to teach you

But where to start?

Ah!

"Let's start at the very beginning A very good place to start..."

Is this how it sounds in the movie?

Kinda. Her voice was warbly sometimes Mine is a little more pure

When you read you begin with--

Grace, Grace, Grace

Karen threw a flask over the balcony

and they're gonna hold the movie until they find her

On the plus side Ralph and I just had our first kiss

and his lips taste like Snowcaps

So, James, you're seeing Memoirs of a Geisha alone, on a Saturday night

No matter what anybody says I don't think that's sad

I agree. Sad would be showing up dressed as a kimono

Unless that's what you're planning to wear when you see it...

which would be cool

No. That would be crazy

It's January. You know how hard it is to get sidewalk salt out of raw silk?

I feel I need to say this...

I'm not a drag queen You know that, right?

- Sorry / - I guess Maria's got a lot of rollover minutes

- Hello? - Where are you?

Oh.. I'm.. I'm on the train

Yeah, it doesn't sound like you're on a train / Well, I am

Don't do fake train to me I taught you fake train

- I taught you fake train! - That's fake train?

Sounded more like fake dishwasher

When would you ever need fake dishwasher?

Hey. Listen to me Karen's in trouble

She threw a flask over the balcony and hit someone

If they catch her, they're gonna press charges. Get over here

I..

I'm sorry

It's alright. I heard It's cool

My movie started ten minutes ago anyway

- Oh, no, you're missing the previews! - Yeah, and they're my favorite part

Me too Go

Uh, listen, this was fun

- Yeah, it was, I'm glad we, um.. - Me too

- Okay. Bye - Bye-bye

Oh, goodness. Finally!

- What happened? - I'm sorry. I.. I just..

Wow. I didn't realize your costume was going to be this elaborate

- Where is Karen? - I have no idea

Shh! There is no Karen!

I'm Sister Frances Beaverhousen

Well, I got there too late

One of those ushers had already taken my flask to the manager's office

Calm down. I'll go talk to the manager I'm sure we can work something out

I'm surprised you can wear that thing without your skin burning

- I feel scared - Me too

Me too!

Aw, sweetie, come here

Everyone gather around

You know what I do when I feel scared?

Fart a little and then deny it?

No. Well, after that

I try to think of some of my favorite things. Like...

"Raindrop on roses and whiskers on kittens..."

"And then I don't feel so bad!"

Oh, thank God!

- "Rain.." - Alright, enough!

- Will, what happened? - The manager's such a jerk

He wouldn't listen to reason

So, I threw some paper clips in his face and I grabbed the flask

Oh, thank God!

- Empty! - Karen!

Devil!

We gotta get out of here They're after all of us now

- Why me? - They heard you singing

We can't get out They posted ushers at every door

Trained movie theater ushers

We're von trapped!

I know! I'll find Ralph

- He'll help us - No

We can't trust him

Can we? Who is he?

Well, then who can we trust?

What about me, lady?

- Rosie! What are you doing here? - I wouldn't miss it

I played Gretl in the El Salvador First National production

Oh, Ro-Ro. I would have payed six chickens to see that

It was an equity theater you racist bitch

Now, quick. Hide in there before I change my mind. come on

Oh. I.. I have to at least say goodbye

"So long, farewell.."

Wierdly, this is not the first time a nun has urged me to stay in the closet

How long are we supposed to stay in this filthy..

Oh. Hey, I got time

Okay. Who's the guy? Are you going to see him again?

I doubt it. All I know is his name is James I didn't even get a phone number

- Why not? - I don't know. I..

You called. His movie was starting It just didn't happen

So, you chickened out

Pretty much. I don't know I just... I guess I couldn't face...

What, Will? What is it you can't face?

I don't know. I guess I just... didn't want to seem desperate

You know, I didn't want him to think that I was making more of it than it was

Well, if he was talking to you then he must be desperate, too

As soon as we get out of here you've gotta go back to the theater

- You've gotta find him - No, it was just a drink. And..

And it probably did mean more to me than it did to him

- Shh! I hear something! - Oh!

Oh, thank God, Ralph!

Wait, wait, wait

Don't do it, Ralph

You're not one of them

Come on Go out the back way

They're here!

You're an usher Why do you have a whistle?

I also coach soccer

Captain. I was hoping I'd find you

Ooh. I'm sorry. I, uh I thought you were someone else

What the--? Eh. All in a day

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