Original subtitles

There it is! We're officially in Connecticut

Where the whites keep down the other whites

I'm starting to dread Christmas at the Trumans

Every time someone says "Merry Christmas" your mother looks at me

with pity and says "And Hanukkah"

But honey, won't it be fun for you?

Maybe you can bang Will's brother again

Maybe? Sam's divorce just became final

There's no way this one is gonna keep it in her pants

What is this "it" you speak of in her pants?

No, no, no. I don't wanna know It's like that show "Lost"

Once you find out what's in the hatch it's less interesting

You don't have to worry about me hooking up with Sam

All that stuff between us is ancient history

Well, ain't that nice?

The holiday whore is taking a year off

Hey, Kare, why aren't you with Stan anyway?

Oh. He's taking Mason and Olivia to Thailand

He loves going there because of the white sand beaches

And they think he's the Buddha

Oh, I can't wait to meet your gay nephew

You always think everyone is gay

Jordie's only nine

It's no big deal that he went as Wonder Woman on Halloween

He didn't go as Wonder Woman, Grace He went as Lynda Carter

I once went as Lynda Carter

But from the Maybelline commercial

That stuff really works

Kids made fun of me all night I cried and cried

My mascara never ran

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8x09 A Little Christmas Queer

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- Mom! We're here! - Oh

Merry Christmas!

And Hanukkah

Oh. Now, Grace Don't feel awkward

You're always welcome here even at Christmas

Marilyn, I don't feel awkward

Just like I'd hope you wouldn't if you came to my home on Hanukkah

Thank you, dear

We'll cross that bridge when we get to it

Now. Who needs a drink?

I didn't come here for the company

Oh, hey, Will, your brother just got here

Oh, look what he's got with him A little Christmas queer

Just cool it with the queer stuff in front of my mom

I don't think she can handle another gay kid in the family

I remember one Christmas she was so excited when I asked for two G.I. Joes

because she thought I was building an Army

She freaked when she realized I was really building a home

Guys. Really We don't even know if he's gay

- Hi, Uncle Will! - Hey!

Guess what! I invented a new cologne

- It's called Scoundrel - And we know

Uh, Scoundrel is Joan Collins' fragrance

Darn it! That woman is always a step ahead of me

Oh, Jordie, I am so glad you're here Now you can help me fold napkins

Sure

I

Love him

Hey!

- Hi, Sammy - Hey, Will

And it's my favorite niece, Casey!

She's adopted But I like her as if she were real

Hey, look who's here

- Hi, Grandma - Oh, sweetheart

You know, I think she should call me Marilyn

Her real grandmothers in China might get upset

Uh, mom, you are her real grandmother

And, uh, thank you for hugging her

instead of bowing to her like you did on Thanksgiving

Hey, how 'bout we get you some apple juice?

And you can drink it from a Wedgwood champagne flute

Grandma loves that

- Hi, Sam - Hey, Grace

- It's great to see you - Yeah, me too

Whoops--

- Hi - Hi

So, how was the ride up?

Long. Jordie made me sing along to the Rent soundtrack

So... it felt like 525,600 miles

Oh, Jordie's sweet You know, he's just amazing--

Yeah, he is. You, know, I-- Excuse me, I have to go get a ladder

There's a couple of bulbs out in front and now it just says "Happy Ho-days"

Well, 'tis the season What with all the eggnog and the--

Uh-huh. Excuse me

Yeah, I guess you're going in there to laugh...

Don't you think the tree is T-Acky?

- She should have gone monochromatic - E-X-Actly

Yeah, you wanna pick your spots with that

Jack, I wanna put on a Christmas show tonight

Will you help me?

I'd be D-Elighted!

See. Now that's how that works

Hey, Karen, would you keep an eye on Casey for a minute?

I want to run upstairs and get her my G.I. Joes

their gardening tools and their bed and breakfast

Of course I will

She's so cute I could just eat her up

Yeah

You won't, though, right?

Hello, little girl

Oh, what's that?

It's a diamond ring

Hmm... Not a very good one

It's occluded...

the cut is pedestrian... and...

It's watermelon

Here...

See what a real diamond looks like

Mm-hmm. It's from my husband

And believe me, you're getting it a lot easier than I did

Hey, Jordie, I was just on the phone with your Grandpa George

He wishes he was here, but he's with his girlfr--

He's helping Santa

Hey, Will, help us with Jordie's Christmas Show

A Christmas show?

No, no, no. No, Jordie that's a bad idea

Grandma doesn't really like Christmas shows

Really? But I've been planning it for months

I know, and I'm-- I'm sorry

But it makes her uncomfortable

She'd rather see little boys playing in the show than...

than singing in the rain

Jordie. Take five Have a smoke and a carrot stick

Your aunts need to talk shop

What's going on here?

I don't remember driving into the town from Footloose

Let the boy dance!

I know my mother

You have no idea how many of my little plays she ruined

Talking and fidgeting And doing anything to distract

the family from watching her gay son do fan kicks in the beanbag chair

You poor thing

Ow!

Let the boy dance!

I just don't want to see Jordie humiliated like I was

I used to be so upset, I'd spend the rest of the night scarfing down

butter cookies and pretending the crinkling of the wrappers was...

was applause

I'm sorry. I had no idea

- Ow! - Let the boy dance!

Karen

Try my famous holiday cocktail the Blue Marilyn

I started drinking them to prevent thoughts of suicide

But now, they're just fun

Oh. Delicious! What's in it?

Uh-uh-uh, family secret I can't tell you

I bet I can guess

Blue Curacao, vodka, a splash of Peach Schnapps, some bitters

and a pinch of something powdered...

Oh... sugar

Oh, perfect! You guessed them all

- Ah-ha! I knew it! - Except one

Has anyone seen Sam?

Did you check down your pants?

Oh, I sent him up to the attic to find the menorah for you, Grace

We still have one from when our Jewish neighbors came over

Yeah Oh, it's a shame they had to move

Oh, well

The neighborhood association is very strong

So what's going on?

Things with you and Sam heating up again?

Is that a tear-away tux?

Hardly

I tried to talk to him and he cut me off

Every time I walk into a room he finds a reason to leave

God, I hate when people are rude

Will, come here I wanna show you something

Yeah, I saw it You put the wise men in a threeway...

Put it back before my mom looks outside

No. That

Oh, my God

He's stuffing himself with butter cookies

Well, it's your work Why don't you go sign it

I'm looking at myself thirty years ago

Only without the Mork and Mindy suspenders

Jordie...

Hi, Uncle Will

Spit out those empty calories and put on your tap shoes

I don't care what Grandma says we're putting on a show!

- Really? - Yes, really!

Now, go run around the yard!

I want you five pounds lighter for the opening number!

Wow. This is the most organized attic I've ever been in

"Gifts from the Housekeeper."

"Gifts from the Gardener."

How sad. "Gifts from Grace"?!

Yeah, my mother was never good at accepting gifts

When I was in the fourth grade I made her an ashtray

She said, "Great Now I've got to get you something."

Well, uh, the menorah isn't where she said it was

So, I guess I'll be going downstairs

Sam, no. Come on

You've been dodging me all night What's going on?

Nothing I just... I just don't want to talk to you

Oh, well, that-- that makes me feel better

I'm sorry, you're right That didn't come out right

Grace, it's just that, um, I'm afraid

if I'm alone with you something might happen

I'm less offended

Keep going

Not that I'm assuming you'd even wanted to

Oh, I don't I mean, even on the ride here

I, uh, I... announced that, you know I didn't want anything to happen with you

Oh. Super

I'm glad that my lack of desirability deserves an announcement

No, that's not-- that's not what I mean

I agree with you that, you know nothing should >I was-- I was worried that you didn't like me

Oh, God, no Grace, I, uh...

I do I do like you

Well, good 'Cause I like you, too

That's good

So, we're agreed

We like each other...

and nothing's gonna happen

Agreed

- You look hot - Agreed

Oh. God, that's the only time a menorah got me to first base

Not me

All right... there's not enough of us to do

a "Partridge Family in a Pear Tree"

How about this?

You pop out of the fireplace with a mask on

You're the Phantom of the Chimney

Ooh, I like that

And Jordie, we can make an opera cape out of...

well, your opera cape

I should steam the wrinkles out of that I wore it to bed last night

So sad. A boy his age should be sleeping in a kimono

- Did you warn your mother, yet? - No, no. No

It's better if we spring it on her

The more time she has to think about it the more time she has to ruin it

Just like she ruined my 1975 Easter show

Everything's Coming Up Jesus

Is the secret ingredient anything in the blood family?

I don't know how I can make this any clearer

There are no bodily fluids in a Blue Marilyn

Now, please, just give up 'cause you're never gonna get it

Oh, I will. I will discover your secret ingredient!

Even if it is the rarest, most exotic essence found on the planet

Is it milk?

No

Oh, Sam, did you find that menorah for Grace?

Uh, no, we couldn't find it

but we looked for a very long time

Oh Well, did you check in the drawers?

Uh, we didn't have time Maybe later

- Did you look in that little chest? - Do not answer that

Well, let's look again because I know it's up there

Oh! I used it last August to hold the bug repellent candles

Yeah, yeah I remember

'cause it stopped the Jewish mosquitoes from biting

Instead, they just had a little nosh

Well... The tousled hair... the slightly smeared lipstick...

the disheveled clothing...

Either you're on your way to work or the holiday whore is back!

Sam and I made out in the attic It was so hot!

I know I said I wasn't going to do it, but...

I've liked him for a long time

And he's single now...

Or is it just too wierd?

For your entire life, fate has been cruel to you in almost every way

So... Maybe this time fate stepped back

took a good look at you and said "You know what? Enough already"

I say go for it

You know what? I will

For all the good I do, I deserve something good to happen to me

What is wrong with these things?

I don't know where you get your jewelry

but this necklace is delicious

Don't start without me

Mom What are you doing?

Getting ready to enjoy the show

What's your game, woman?

And now, ladies and gentlemen introducing Jordan St. James!

That's a stage name I had to nix Dame Jordy Dench

Santa Claus, Mr. Santa Claus

I get the kids' applause Mr. Santa Claus...

That boy is the next Wayne Newton

How many Blue Marilyns have you had?

- Will, shush! - You shush!

Will, you shush!

Will you shush!

This is Jordie's moment And keyboard solo

Jordie, you're in the audience for this, sweetheart

All... that... Claus!

That Claus

Bravo! Bravo!

Okay, that is it!

How dare you enjoy your grandson's Christmas show right in front of me?!

Well, William, what is your problem?

Oh, I don't know, maybe it's that you ruined

every single Christmas play I ever did!

I mean, you give him a standing ovation but for me, you'd be fidgeting

looking at your watch, melting a cherry Sucrets into your stupid "secret" drink

Ah! A-ha!

Unbelievable!

Will just had to steal the spotlight

It's okay, Jack I don't mind

He stole it from me, Jordie Grow up

Oh, Will...

I don't get it

How can you be so encouraging to Jordie when you were always so awful to me

Darling, I think...

When you were a child, I think I... I just handled everything badly

You know, I wasn't prepared to raise a gay son

- You know, it was the 50's-- - It was not the 50's!

Darling, because of who you are

and what you've become I realized that I...

I just should have done things differently

I learned from you, Will

- Really? - Yeah

And even though I can't change the past

I can try to be better with Jordie, you know?

Wow Thank you, mom

That means a lot to me

- Wow. When did you do all this? - Ah, before the show

During the encores, I was worried the house was going to burn down

I can see why

Five of the candles are on a box marked "Dry Hay"

- Sam, this is so-- - Romantic? Wonderful? Excessive?

It's, uh, it's excessive, isn't it?

It's a lot

Oh, God, I'm sorry

I'm just so worried about that...

God, I just can't remember what it's like to be

in the beginning of a relationship, you know?

Just thought it'd be a lot easier jumping right into the middle of one

I know it does

Right after Leo and I split up...

Um... After Leo and I, every guy who opened the door for me got my house key

I spent a lot of money changing locks that year

And it was because I was so afraid of being single

And I think you might be too

Well, I'm not afraid

I'm, uh... I'm terrified

And I think you need to be

- Terrified or single? - Both

Ah. Fun

You'll make it I did

Okay So how about this?

Next Christmas you and me, right here...

And we see where we are then

That sounds great

- Is it incredibly hot in here? - Like a thousand degrees

Hey, Jordie I just got off the phone

How would you like to perform our show next Christmas at Radio City Music Hall?

I'd love it! It would be fantastic!

Good. Then you try calling They keep hanging up on me

Marilyn Thank you

Dinner was wonderful I have a delightful buzz

and my sore throat went away

By the way I put something in your coffee

Tell me when you figure out what it is