Original subtitles

Will, you have got to go shopping

This cereal is stale. It doesn't hold milk, and it tastes horrible

That is a box of stuffing mix

Alright, if this isn't cereal, then why did it come with this cool prize?

That is a bag of seasoning

Hey, guys

There's no chance my mother's already come and gone already is there?

No. She called to say that her hair appointment's running long

How long could it take?

Somebody just holds her by her ankles and dips her into the cotton candy machine

I love Bobbi

She's the kind of elderly person of you see on the street

that you don't want to knock down

Maybe you don't

Will... Can you please come out to lunch with us?

I can't. Remember? I'm starting my new job at the Coalition for Justice

It's exciting because I'm gonna get to help people

But also because the Coalition for Justice

sounds like the kind of place where superheroes work

you know? I'm like the gay Superman

Waiting to meet my Louis Lane

Jack, can you come with me?

I would love to join you and Bobbi for lunch

I don't know why but I'm in the mood for roast turkey

And a parade

It's so great you're coming She loves you

Of course, she's always been obsessed with gay guys. So sad

Will, I need something from you

I'm sorry, Karen. I literally peed two minutes ago

Not that. I'm trying to teach my staff how to spot terrorists

Could you come by around 3:00 and dash through the foyer with a backpack?

Can't. I'm starting my new job at the Coalition for Justice

It's a non-profit that helps people that can't afford lawyers

Oh, well, honey, I'm sorry You'll find a real job soon

- It is a real job - Right

And this is my first liver

I think what Will's doing is inspirational

I don't know why but I'm feeling really thankful today

Is the game on?

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8x08 Swish Out of Water

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Look. Before my mother comes out of the bathroom

where can we go to lunch that is really quick?

I can't wait until she's the age where I can tell her we already had lunch yesterday

Well, don't you want to ask Bobbi where she'd like to go?

She would like to go to Schraft's in 1952 and be discovered by Swifty Lazar

Grace, you know I don't speak Jewish

Oh! That was embarrassing

Don't worry They're in tight now

Grace, honey, why don't you hurry up and change for lunch?

This is what I'm wearing to lunch

Oh! Are we going to the lesbian bar?

We could. I hear the Honey Bucket has a great spread

This is a very nice outfit mom This shirt cost more than your wig

Oh. Well, I like it 'cause it's cheap You can throw it in the dishwasher

Well, that would probably explain this corn on the cob holder

Can we just go to lunch?

Oh, well I hope you can take me someplace nice for a change

What does it matter where we go, Mom?

You're just going to order chicken chow mein

and hot water for the tea bag that's in your purse

Oh, well the tea bag goes in the place in my wallet

where the pictures of the grandchildren usually go

Welcome Here's your desk right here

Ah! Mission control

So, uh, put me to work I'm ready to fight for the little people

Take down some bad guys Dole out justice, Truman style

Ok. I'm gonna go grab your first case

That could have been embarassing

Morning

Oh, yeah. That desk only has three legs

Yeah. That's what I like about non-profits A little rough around the edges

The last place I worked all the desks had four legs

Asses

- Here's the file - Ah. Ooh. Tenants' rights

"Horrible living conditions... brown water... rats and roaches"

Juicy!

So, what morally bankrupt monster am I taking down?

"Karen Walker"

Yep, that sounds about right

Ugh. Thank God she's gone

All that's left of her are a few strands of pink horse hair

and a few flecks of Polident

Yeah, thank God that's over

I could not take more than one lunch like that a year

- I know. She's a nightmare, right? - I'm talking about you, Mister!

- What?! - I am appaled by how you treat her

That woman is your mother! Mother!

- You are so cruel to her! - Me?!

What about her? Did you not hear her constant insults?

I may have missed a few She's gotta learn to hold for laughs

But, that's not the point. You need to treasure her insults while you can

Because one day she'll be gone

and you'll have to hear how much you suck from her ghost

You don't know anything about it

Oh, my dear

No one knows how to be a good daughter better than a gay son

The mother of a gay son learns to accept him for who he is

Except for the sex

The gay son learns to accept the mother for who she is

Except for the sex

Sadly, mothers and daughters rarely embark on this right of passage

Thus, they are destined to perputate a pattern of anger and bitchiness

This would be so much clearer if I had my slides

I've seen your slides And I don't know what two Norweigan men

farming naked has to do with me and my mother

Grace, if you want this relationship to change

you're the one who's going to have to change it

Please. Let me help you

Let me make you a good gay son

Except for the sex

Thanks. But I'll pass

I'm as gay as I'd like to be

This morning when I was getting dressed

I actually considered putting a sock in my pants

Well, it needs something down there

Jasmine, you have such beautiful hair

I'd like to see it on my dresser by bedtime

You know, some people say "thank you" when they get a compliment

I just got another "Help Me" note from one of your maids

Oh, great. Thanks

So, I, uh, started my new job today

Mm. That thing where you save the world and get paid in soup?

Doesn't sound like much of a job to me

Karen, the work I do is incredibly important

I have dedicated my life to helping those who can't help themselves

You know, since this morning

I.. My first clients live in a run-down building

in Spanish Harlem that the owner refuses to bring to code

Riveting. Why are you here?

Well, because the landlord is someone we both know

Oh. I see

Well, I appreciate your taking the time to tell me in person

So. Marlo Thomas is a slumlord

- No, it's not Marlo - No, no, no! Let me guess!

- It's you, Karen - I said let me guess. Is it me?

- Yes it is - Yay!

Look, I should be filing this right now

but I came down here to give you a chance to clear this up out of court

I mean.. The evidence is over-whelming This case is a slam dunk

Slam dunk! Shaquille O'Neal!

Okay. I don't know what that was. but..

You have got to fix this building

So just sign these papers agreeing to cover the costs

You can make this whole thing go away

How do I make you go away?

You know, years ago, a guy refused to fix up his building

and they made him live in it

You know, and what's worse they made a movie out of it

and they cast Joe Pesci to play him

- You want Joe Pesci to play you? - Kiss my A

I'm sorry, what did you say to a representative of the Coalition for Justice?

Gosh, I don't know. Why don't you get your D out of your ear and listen to me

What? What is the matter with you? And why are you using letters?

Because I'm a lady, assface

Okay. That's it You've got yourself a fight

Take your best shot, Fairy Mason

Karen Walker is above the law! You can't touch me!

If you go more than 100 feet from this building you will be arrested

Enjoy your new apartment

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens...

Hey. I can't sleep because I keep thinking about my relationship with my mother

Really? Or is it because it's only 6:00?

Jack says I'm horrible to her Do you think I'm horrible to her?

I'll answer that, but I'm gonna be honest

Eh, forget it

What are you up to?

Well, I got big news I finally did it

Today, I stuck it to The Man

Oh. Finally That was a long dry spell

Not that, Karen

I got the judge to order her to pay for

all the improvements to that building she owns

Oh... That's great Good for you

Nah, good for the people

And, uh, I also got him to sentence her to live in the building for a week

Really? That sounds kind of harsh

It's not harsh, Grace It's my job

I dole out justice Truman style

Why can't you say you "go to work" like everyone else?

I don't say "I dole out furniture Adler style"

Trust me It's the right thing to do

You know, maybe if she spends a little time in that building

it'll give her a chance to really look at herself

Think about what she's done

Have you really looked at yourself?

What's that supposed to mean?

I mean what are you doing?

You got her to pay for something she probably didn't even know about until you told her

Why wasn't that enough?

Well, it's... complicated

Doesn't sound complicated

I mean, you took the job because you wanted to become more compassionate, right?

- Yeah, I did / - Then, why don't you start with your friends?

You're right. I should go down there and see how she's doing

And dole out some friendship Truman style

Is anyone encouraging that?

Okay. I'm ready

I'll do whatever it takes I wanna be a good gay son

Like Dick Cheney's daughter

You're doing the right thing It'll be easy

Alright, now, all you have to do is not take the bait when your mother provokes you

All right? Now, I'll be Bobbi And you be you

And no matter what I say, don't react Just sit there, relax and do nothing

I don't know that I can do that

Pretend you're having sex with a man just because he bought you dinner

- Got it - Okay

Now. I'm gonna start, alright?

I'm becoming Bobbi Adler I'm finding the voice. Mmmm...

I'm imagining the Jane Russel 18-hour bra with the safety pin instead of the hook...

the inexplicably good legs...

- And... I'm Bobbi - Aah!

Grace, focus! Now remember

no matter what I say, don't react

Okay? Here we go. Ahem

Darling, you chased away your husband and apparently your colorist

- That is not fair! I did not chase away.. - Ah, ah, ah!

I am your mother Don't take the bait

I can say or do anything I want

- Like this - Ow, you bitch!

Hey, hey! Do not react! Keep it inside

Gonna hit your mother? Gonna take the bait?

Sit up straight Straighten your hair

Date a straight guy Find a man, find a man

- find a man.. - Aah!

I think I might need to do this a few more times

All right, Grace I've had it with you

You are unteachable! And you ruined my wig!

I don't even know if these curls are resetable

Oh, great! The netting's torn!

Oh, would you just relax!

Those are six bucks for a dozen at the Wig Easy!

This is an Eva Gabor! And it is irreplaceable!

All right, I am gonna tell you something I've heard from my own mother my entire life

"Put down that Barbie"?

No. You're being an idiot

So what if she insults you? Who cares? The bottom line is she loves you

- Well, why can't she act like she does? - She does

Every day of your life when she shatters your ego and makes you feel like nothing

it comes from a place of love

Oh, that's sweet

Twisted, but sweet

- Karen, it's Will - Go away!

Come, on. Open up

I dropped my rubber gloves in a puddle of pee I can't open the doors with my elbows

What do you want? Get in here

Well. Your timing could not be worse I'm right in the middle of a game

Marisol, Concepcion this is Will

The maricon I told you about

Hola, Se?or

She asked if you know Elton John

And then she said you look like a big mincing queen

Such an efficient language

Ladies, why don't you take your cigars and go up to the roof

You can touch my mink one more time on your way out

Okay. Alrighty

Karen, I wanna apologize for putting you through all this

What are you talking about? I'm fine I've got everything I need

A can opener, a "terlet" that's not connected to anything

and all the lead paint I can eat

Look, you don't have to put on a brave face for me

Even though, I'm sure it cost you a fortune

I.. I know that this has gotta be a difficult adjustment for you

Jorge! Your mother has been looking for you for three hours!

And yet when you talk to Rosario it's "Scrubbo the tubbo"

The.. The point is... It's my fault you're here

I didn't have to take it this far

Then why did you?

I don't know I just.. I tried help you...

and then you made fun of my job, and I.. You just pushed my buttons

Well, isn't this funny?

You know, if anybody had asked me

I would have said that you were pushing my buttons

- Really? - Yes

I would have written that check right away if you hadn't come in all high and mighty

acting all mighty when I was high

So, we both behaved badly out of pettiness and spite

Yeah. And maybe a little 'roid rage

Oh. Honey, why do we do it? Why are we always at each other?

Can you imagine what Nora Ephron would do with our story?

No, but I'm sure it would feel familiar

And we could sleep through most of it

Look, I'm gonna make a call I'm gonna get you out of this

No, honey That's okay

I'll finish out my week It'll be good for me

Anyway, thanks for stopping by

I'm gonna run up to the roof and meet the girls

- Mind if I keep you company for a bit? - Why, no. I'd like that

You know, just to be on the safe side

let's talk real loudly about how your dad's black

How's the chow mein? Do you want some more?

Maybe. I was just distracted by your garish eye shadow

Do you really need three colors?

Mom, this is not garish...

Why are you smiling?

Are my boobs under my arms again?

No, Mom Well, yes, but..

No, I was..

I'm smiling because, whatever you say to me, I know you love me

Well, of course I do, darling I adore you

That's what I thought

It's just like when you say I'm too old to play Julia

I know it's just your way of saying you love me

Yeah, that's exactly what I mean

You're so sweet I love you

- Ow. Ow - Oh, I found the other one

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