Original subtitles

Hey, my life is so much richer since I started

delivering meals for Project Angel Food

I'm a good person

I don't say that enough

Ugh. Bringing food to old, home-bound people, Depressing

Yeah. It's tough to see their faces light up

when they realize they're gonna eat that day

I love being home-bound

Or going to his place and being bound

Either way, you do get hungry

You know, Will, I used to deliver paper bags to elderly peoples' doors

Of course they were filled with poo and I'd set 'em on fire

So, you'll be home by seven though, right?

- For what? - "For what"?

Rob and Ellen, Joe and Larry are coming over

for the Tenth Annual Game Night Spectucular

Wow Ten years of game night

What a milestone

Maybe you should celebrate with a suicide pact

Thank God I have plans with Malcolm tonight

Malcolm? I can't wait 'til Malcolm is your Malcolm-ex

Jackie, why don't you like him? The man is a doll

If dolls spoke seven languages and and enormous genitalia

I would like that doll

I'll take it when you're done with it

I'm sorry, Karen I do not like this man

I do not like him in your house

I do not like him in your blouse

I'm sorry, I'm really engrossed in this novel right now

Jackie, just come a-shoppin' with us

Come on, I know that you'll like Malcolm if you just spend some more time with him

And besides... Honey, your opinion means so much to me

Really? 'Cause sometimes I worry you only think of me as a trained monkey

who only hops around for your amusement

That's nonsense

- Now come on - Alright

Oh, and if you like him, clang your cymbals once

Okay, I think that's everybody

A kosher meal for Lou, a low sodium for Freida...

Wait a minute. Am I missing one? Where's--

Grace!

You're eating Clyde's meal!

Well, I hope he has a salt shaker because this crap is bland

Actually...

this works out great. It gives me an excuse to go to Dean & Deluca

and get Clyde the lobster salad he loves so much

All you talk about is Clyde lately

What, do you love him?

I sorta do

He's--He's witty and smart

He's the kind of gay man I'd like to be when I'm older

You know, except without the farting

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8x04 Steams Like Old Times

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Jack, I am so happy we're getting to know each other better

I was so afraid that when I helped Stanley fake his own death

then brought him back here for a long-awaited reunion with his ex-wife

then fell in love with her and started dating her myself

her friends would have trouble accepting me

Well, it's nothing we haven't all been through before

You know, Jack, I know two ways to get a guy to call me friend

One is to attach his nipples to a car battery

And the other is to buy him a fine Italian suit

Do I have to choose?

Jackie, this is exactly the side of Malcolm that I wanted you to see

The playful, torturey side

Hang on, that guy's looking at a shirt that would look great on you

and I can't let that happen Hey! Hey!

Ooh, isn't he cute? And he's a real man's man

Oh, I love to watch his strong rough fingers unbuttoning my nighty

Oh. You know, it's a wonder he can even get it over his head

Yeah, he's nice yes, he's good looking

and yes, he smells like baby powder and Greek salad

- but there's one little thing - What's that, honey?

He's not Stan! You belong with Stan!

Gosh, I hope you like this

'Cause it just cost that guy a little piece of his tongue

- Hi guys! - Hi! / - Hi!

Did you come together? No, we met on the elevator

Did you know our kids are in the same kindergarten class?

Isn't that funny?

Is it?

Anyway. Welcome to the Tenth Anniversary Game Night Spectacular!

Where are Rob and Joe?

Uh, Joe couldn't come Our babysitter canceled

Our babysitter canceled, too!

- Isn't that funny?! - That is so funny! / - Oh, my God!

I don't think you're using that word right

Okay, so no Rob and no Joe

That's okay, 'cause they're weak players

they never add anything to the evening anyway

They're our husbands

- Yeah, but they're duds - That's true

Okay, so tonight will be an all-star game

You guys against me and Will

At least we still have an even number Isn't that funny?

Hey, everybody

Slight change in the guest list All the way from 1933, my friend Clyde!

Hello

Lord, it's kind of damp in here I was afraid of that

- Hi / - Hello there - Nice to meet you

You must be Grace My, you're beautiful

- Uh - no, no. I'm Grace

Ah

Hello

- Uh, Will, can I talk to you for a sec? - Sure

Oh, uh, Clyde can I get you anything?

Oh, just some Tiger Balm and a clear path to the rest room

What is he doing here? He's an odd number

Who needs a little company And compassion

This is what I do now, Grace I give I help, I make a difference

It's kind of who I am now I'm--

I'm Charity Will

Ok, yeah, I get what you're doing, and, um the new name is cute

but do you think you can stick your friend in the closet

and tell him he's in Heaven's coatroom?

Grace, don't worry He's not even gonna play

Hey, Clyde! Are you excited being the score keeper

for the tenth anniversary game night spectacular?

Score keeper? I'll need a whistle and a gun

How 'bout a pencil and the back of this take out menu

Well, I'll make due

Now, what are the rules?

Oh, know what? You don't even need to know the rules, since you're not playing

Yeah, but it might be more fun for him if he did know

Here's how you play Celebrity

You take a slip out of the bowl and then you try to describe it

Oh, I get it So, I'd say something like

"It's yellow, it's rectangular and it's folded"

Goh!

Karen, you and Stan were married You can't say that doesn't mean anything

Oh, Jackie, you just think that marriage is sacred because it's legally denied you

Honey, Stanley betrayed me

First by cheating, and then by faking his own death

No, no, no! I am done with him!

Well, he's not done with you

He's sorry, he loves you and he wants you back

How do you know? Because he told me yesterday

You saw Stanley?

No, he called me because you won't take any of his calls

You're damned right I won't! I never want to hear that high-pitched voice again!

I'm meeting him later at his health club

I think it's called New York Health and Fatness, or something

So, Karen, come with me

No. I won't

I'm seeing Malcolm now. I want you to accept that and bless our union

I can't do that

- Bless it! - No!

- Bless it! - No!

- Achoo! - Bless you

- Ha ha ha! - Oh!

Can I get you something to drink before we start?

Oh, sure. Sure But what?

Let me think....

- Water? - No

- Tea - No

Coffee? Soda?

Juice? Beer?

- Tang? - Yes!

Tang would be nice

Gosh, I'm sorry I ran out of Tang

When I was seven Um...

Never mind Let's get on with the game

Okay! Okay, great. Alright These are the teams

Me and Will Ellen and Larry

- Ready? - Oh...

What's the matter?

Well, your little guessing game sounds like so much fun

I sure wish I was playin'

- And you shall - He shan't. He can't

Because he, uh, you know he doesn't have a partner

Grace...

Why you don't you be partners with Clyde?

- I got Will! - Wait, no!

Uh-oh. Sounds like I'm not a very popular partner

No. No, no, no, that's not it it's-- It's just that, um

I would just feel horrible if my my dear friend Ellen had to sit out

Oh, I don't mind I think I'm gonna enjoy this

Okay! Well, uh, Grace Clyde. You're up

Thanks a lot. Now it's a tenth anniversary suck-tacular

Give him a chance He might be great at this

And, go!

Oh, good. Good, good, good Okay, this is an easy one

Um, trashy pop singer

- She pees in gas stations - Oh, this is an easy one!

Lola Falana

Oops, I did it again

Oh, that's alright, Grace Just open a window

Uh, okay, famous for nothing

- Carmen Electra - Yes

Ok, if I ever see your face again I'll shoot myself

- Paris Hilton - The other one

- Lindsay Lohan - The other one

- Tom Cruise! - Yes!

Time! That's Time!

- How many did they get? - Eight

- Is that more than we got? - It's eight more

Oh, hello, Stan

It's good to see you again You're looking fantastic

I, uh-- Whoops! That's still you, Okay

sorry, Didn't see you there. And--

Oops! And there's more Okay

Wow. It has been two years, and so much has happened in your life

My mind is just reeling with questions. Like, um...

Have you seen my new talk show? And...

Can you tell my tan is fake on the air?

Oh, weeknights, 4 AM

Mm-hmm, yeah

Well, give it a little look-see and let me know if I'm too orange

Anyway, Karen and I got into a really big fight

I tried to convince her to get back together with you again

and now she doesn't want to see either of us

You brought your harmonica Oh, I don't feel like--

Don't know why... There's no sun up in the sky--

Jack, you and I need to-- Oh, I'm sorry

Are you in the middle of a number? I can come back

What are you doing here?

And you look ridiculous with your towel tied like that

Jack, I didn't come here to threaten you into blessing my relationship with Karen

Even though I could revoke your passport put your name on a watchlist

and have your cable cut off right before the Tonys for the rest of your life

But I came here to see Stanley

Hello, Stanley. I'm sure you've heard all about Karen and I

Karen and me. I stand corrected I always get that wrong

You know, I always mix up "was" and "were"

Yeah, I have to sing "If I Were a Rich Man" to get it right

Or is it "was"? Ugh that is so hard for I

Stanley, I know that this is all a little.. / Uh, whoops, he's..

- I know that this is all.. - A little more..

You know what, Ellen, I feel badly that you haven't even had a turn yet

So, why don't you play with Clyde

Oh, no, no, no. I'm having fun In fact...

I'm gonna put Rob on the phone so he can listen

Tell him I'll e-mail him some of these great pictures I'm getting

Okay. Grace and Clyde are up again

And Grace, try to focus. Okay? You're slowing my boy down

- Flip the timer or I'll shove it up your-- - Go

Oh, I know this one He was in the film Titanic

- Leonardo DiCaprio! - Oh, no, no. The lead

- Yes, Leonardo DiCaprio - No, think!

The poor blond boy who froze in the water

Leonardo DiCaprio. I'm positive It's Leonardo DiCaprio! / Time

Tom Hanks!

Tom Hanks? / Ooh-hoo, I bet you're the one who feels stupid now

- Anyway-- - No, not anyway!

Tom Hanks? Tom Hanks!

He could-- could have said Big or Splash, or Forrest Frickin' Gumpp!

You know what? I have really tried to be a good sport tonight

I sat quietly by even though you had no idea who Eminem was

and you didn't even know the candy!

But I am done! I am done with game night! Maybe forever!

Thanks a lot, Clyde!!

Hey, Grace Say cheese

Motherf..

- Can I see you in the kitchen, please! - No

Oh! Ow, ow, hair! Hair! Hair, hair, hair!

How could you say that to Clyde?

How could you make me play with him all night?

- Ow! / - Ow! - Ow!

Ow! Let go! You let go!

Alright...

count of three. Ok One, two, three

Ow!

Would it have killed you to be a little nice to him?

What is wrong with you? You have not been this obsessed

with a gray-haired man since you discovered Anderson Cooper!

He is a lovely, old gay man

And when I am his age and living alone in a crummy apartment with a 19-year-old cat

who is either really sleepy or long dead I hope that someone will be kind to me

Wait a minute. Wait a minute You think-- You think you're gonna be Clyde?

- Is that what this is all about? - How do you know that I won't?

I... I saw this old photo of him on a beach It could have been me

Except for the Korean War going on in the background

Will. That's absurd You're not Clyde

There is no way that you will ever age that well

And there's another reason why you're not him

- 'Cause I'll have you? - That's right

And I ain't going anywhere So you got it?

You will never be a lonely old gay man like Clyde

Uh, excuse me

I'm so sorry For everything

I, I was wrong to assume that you're lonely

Oh, I'm lonely. Heck, I leave my door unlocked in hopes of getting robbed

But I'm not gay

- You're not? / - No, I was married once... to a beautiful doctor

She, uh, travelled a lot to work, and when she had an affair with a colleague

I-- I ended it I've been alone ever since

Wow. He's really not me

He's you, Grace!

Did you hear that, Rob? He's Grace!

- That's crazy! - Wait a minute

If you're not gay, why are you getting free meals from Project Angel Food?

- Why not? It's food and it's free - Oh, my God. He is me!

I have great news, baby I talked with Stan

I told him I thought that I was a better man

for you than he is And he said, "Okay"

He did?

I promise you I'll never fake my death

When I kill myself it's gonna be for real

And I'm gonna take you with me

That's so romantic

- Is that true, Jackie? - He did

I remember 'cause right after he said it

we discovered an Asian man trapped underneath him

So, you're okay now with me and mama?

Sure. If Stan wants you to have her then you can have her. Oh...

Listen to us talking like she's a thing. I'm sorry

It's yours. Take it You have my blessing

Baby, now there's nothing standing in our way

Oh, I'm so happy darling. Hmm

So. Stanley just let me go without even a fight

Well. I guess everything is just Peaches and Herb

Alright, now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna run to the Bronx and set something on fire

You know, because I'm so happy!

Hello, Stanley. Don't talk! I have something to say

Oh, Stanley How could you?

Wasn't it enough that you left me?

Wasn't it enough that I was the last one to know that you weren't dead?

But no. No. You have the gall

to just let me go without even a fight You fleshy bastard

You're ready to toss me aside like some meaningless fling, or unattractive baby

How dare you

Goodbye, Stanley After what you've done

there is nothing you could say that would ever win me back

Oh, Stanley

Oh, Stanley!

Ow, turkey leg!

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