Original subtitles

Can you believe this?

Now they're saying chewing tobacco's bad for you

Now?

What are you reading?

Sunset Magazine from 1982?

Stole it from the doctor's office

You make me wait I take something

Yeah, well, that would explain the model of a uterus on your credenza

Since when do you care about chewing tobacco?

I was thinking of taking it up

I like a light buzz and I like to spit It just makes sense

Hi, Grace

Will

Would you say I have a swimmer's body?

Unless it's in a trunk in your closet, I'd say no

Oh, hey, Jane Fonda has an exercise video coming out

They're opening a new pool at the gym, Will

Come on you should come with

It's full of cuties It's like a hot guy soup

Well, except between 12:00 and 1:00 when Paul Sorvino does laps

I don't really like to swim

Ugh, I never swim in pools They're filled with pee

That's ridiculous It's an adult gym

- Adults don't pee in the pool - Okay

- Come on, Will, it'll be fun - I don't want to, okay?

Wait a minute...

I've known you for 17 years I don't think I've ever seen you swim

I don't think I've ever seen you swim either

- Oh my God! - It's no big deal, okay?

- I just ever learned.. - You've got a hairpiece!

I don't know to swim, okay?

How... How do I not know that?

I had a traumatic experience when I was a kid

I fell in the neighbor's pool

And my mom couldn't jump in, 'cause...

'Cause she just got her hair done

So stuck out her foot but her mule came off in my hand

Finally, she leaned over to pull me out spilled her Manhattan my eyes

and said, "Oh, I give up."

William Truman!

You are a 57-year-old man!

You should learn to swim

You know what? I should

You're right, it's the time in my life where I should be facing up to my fears

I'm gonna swim, I'm gonna drink out a public fountain

and I'm gonna read an Ethan Hawke novel

Hey, J Hey, Wag

Wag?

Will and Grace: WaG

Just glad my name isn't Frank

So, honey, guess what?

I am setting you up on a blind date with me and Malcolm

So, shave what needs shaving and... boil the rest

I'm not really interested in a blind date

Come on, honey it could be so much fun

You should go, Grace

It'd be good for you to go out with a guy

who could curl your toes instead of your hair

You know what? I should

I need some space from you gays

Come on, Will we're shaving my legs

Yay! This is gonna make my boyfriend so happy!

Aren't you a little "mature" to be referring to someone as your boyfriend?

At least I can swim, jackass

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8x03 The Old Man and the Sea

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Whoo! Mmmm!

Their passion reminds me of a poem I once wrote

It goes like this: "A kiss is a key to the soul

To the curious mind a wonderful forever"

Uh, a poem has to rhyme

Like, "There once was a man from Nantucket...

Something, something something, suck it"

So you kids having a good time?

Oh, Karen, hi

I didn't recognize you without Malcolm's tongue

punching through the back of your head

Well, Grace, since you like things that rhyme

Although you are a lovely date please excuse me while I urinate

You know, Grace, I do hope we're sitting in the smoking section

because the sparks are flying between you and the D man

Swimming fact, "Speedo" is French for "maximum package exposure"

So, uh, where's my swimming instructor?

Uh, I'll give you a hint

He's the sexiest guy in the room

Okay? And it's me, all right?

Oh! See you later

Wait a minute where are you going?

I'm not letting you teach me how to swim!

I'd sooner catch a ride home with Billy Joel!

Will, I can teach you

Just like I taught you how to trim around your nipples so your hair

doesn't look like crazy eyelashes

Yeah, after you put mascara on them!

Did they or did they not pop?

Come on, Will You said you wanted to learn

Alright, I'll do it. But promise me you will not make me look stupid

And jump and jump and down And jump and jump and down

And jump and jump and down...

Now, that is a heck of a scallop

Boy, it's so nice to be eating with a fork rather than jamming it into some guy's neck

I'm kidding!

I'm a government accountant Why would I kill that guy in Budapest?

You know, I like having a couple friend

Let's do this every Friday! It'll be our thing

I'm sure that traffic school can get along without me

Well, there's just two little problems with that

Um, first, it's Tuesday

And second, I would hardly call Dale and I couple

Yeah, Grace hardly knows me

Oh, that's because you're too modest

If I were compiling a CIA file on Dale and I'm not

the first page would read that Dale is a piano tuner

with a nifty rent-controlled apartment in Staten Island

And from a distance two blocks, naked he resembles a young Charles Bronson

Um, Karen would you mind coming to the ladies' room with me?

- Oh, honey, I don't really have to-- - You do now

- Excuse us - Grace, what are you...

Hey, you're right Maybe I could make a little sissy

How could you think that this guy is right for me?

What's wrong with him?

He's totally wrong for me

Ok, Grace. I am gonna tell you something

that I was saving for your eulogy

You... are a snob

I am not a snob How could you say that?

Every guy has a chance with me

The unattractive, the unemployed the "lives with mom"

Everyone welcome

All right. Well, all I saw was a snob sitting there with a vinegar puss acting

like nothing he said was good enough for her

Honestly, Grace

I thought you were better than that

Girls? D-train here has a great idea

Dinner tomorrow night at his place on Staten Island

the Riviera of New York Harbor

Did you know the Richmond Hill landfill is the

highest elevation on the Eastern Seaboard?

Yeah, you can see it from my living room window

Well, I think it sounds fantastic

But I don't know if Princess Grace over here will be up for dinner at a landfill

Actually, it sounds wonderful

I love a good meal and I love a good dump

Okay. Now, let go of the wall and lean back and I'll support you

You sure you got me?

Yes, I got one hand on your head and the other on your upper ass beard

Okay. Wait, wait, where are you hands? I can't feel 'em!

- They're right here - Put 'em back!

Will, what is your problem?!

Nothing, I'm fine. I just want.. I just want to go home

And I think I swallowed a band-aid

Will, you're being ridiculous!

Where's my band-aid?

Well, someone made a scene at the pool today

I was upset

No, I'm talking about me

After you left, I jumped in the pool

without looking and ended up riding Paul Sorvino for half a lap

Are you okay? You left kinda fast

I'm fine. I'm just.. I was just scared

Well, you're gonna do better tomorrow I got us access to the kickboard shed

Don't even ask me how I pulled that off

Let's just say I had to pull something off Bathing suit

Yeah, you know what? Actually, I, uh, I decided

I don't wanna learn to swim

What? Oh, don't answer that

That might be the kickboard guy

I gave him your number 'cause he sounded kinda dangerous

but I didn't wanna be rude

- It's Will - And Grace

- You can call us "Wag" Get it? - Leave a message

- I decided was cute - It's not

Hi, Will, this is Adam from the pool

Just wanted to confirm our lesson for 6:00 tomorrow

Remember, no checks

Wait a minute what was that?

I thought you said you were done with swimming

I know I just said that, but..

You said you didn't wanna take any more lessons

Or you didn't wanna take them from me / Jack...

You don't trust me

Look, you're my best friend and I love you

But you're not exactly reliable

I mean, I wanna learn from someone that I know is gonna be there

to pull me out of the pool

Not someone that puts diving rings around his neck and pretends

he's a woman from Kenya

But how could you think I would ever let anything bad happen to you?

- Jack, I do trust you - Just not with the big things

You know it's a real shame, Will

Because you trusted me with the biggest thing in your life

and I didn't let you down then

What are you talking about?

You were terrified to come out of the closet

And who was the one who held your hand fixed your hair, and promised you

everything was gonna be okay?

- You - Yeah, that's right

- Hey, Grace - Hey

You're the first one here

Oh, Karen and Malcolm aren't here? Did they call? Are they close?

Yeah, any minute

Oh, well, we're fine alone

Did you hear a car door slam?

Oh, oh, and.. Wow, there's the landfill

It's very... uh, It's very beautiful all lit up

It's not lit up

The hot part just broke through the retardant foam

Neat

Pretty sure I didn't wanna have kids anyway

I'm really happy you're here, Grace I've been looking forward to this all day

Oh, me too

Can you just tell me when it's 8:30? 'Cause I have to be home by 9:00

For what?

Oh, I have a.. a sick rabbit

I've gotta put, uh, drops his ears every five hours

You know, and I just did it at...

4:00?

That's Malcolm and Karen Oh, darn it

I was gonna lay some plastic down on the couch

You are chewing on my last nerve, froggy!

You are eight feet of pain in the ass stuffed into a four-foot sack

How hard is it to read a map?!

I don't need a freakin' map to go to Staten Island!

I think I've done that a few hundred times!

You take the Lincoln Tunnel to the Turnpike hit the Verrazano, get off at Exit 11

and go straight Victory Boulevard

That's if you wanna go through New Jersey, dumbbell

Hi, Grace Nice eye shadow

I'm not gonna drive all the way to Staten Island

without picking up some sweet Jersey cider you slack-jawed Irish moose!

Hey, Dale Baked you a pumpkin loaf

Oh, thanks

Man, am I steamed I'm going for walk

I'm going for a walk too And don't you dare take Nome Avenue!

Because I am going there taking a left on Lewiston

a sharp right on Richmond and then it dead ends at Fiorelli's Pizza

It's not a dead end, it's a T!

Wow

I didn't have the heart to tell her that Fiorelli's closed down and

that area is now pretty "gangy"

Oh, my God I just realized...

- This is a peace sign - Yeah

Wow. That is a really good chair Where did you get it?

Amsterdam

Yeah, I love to travel

Although I usually spend all my time in the hotel watching TV

and ordering room service

Well, yeah

Why else go to foreign countries?

You can watch MTV in funny languages and see what their Coke tastes like

I thought was the only one who did that

No, I'm a huge Coke fiend

You know, Grace...

there is a good chance that they're not gonna make it back alive...

So, uh... if you wanna go there's no hard feelings

You know what? Um, I'd like to stay, if that's okay

I wish you would

'Cause I made... "fould"

I was trying to me it rhyme

Oh, well look who it is Mark Spitz-in-my-face

You here to meet your new instructor?

I am, actually I'm really excited

He's really good looking, a great teacher And I trust him with my life

Well, where is he? I'd like to meet him

I'm standing with him right now

I'm not stupid, Will You're alone

It's you, Jack

I'm so sorry about what I said I was dead wrong

- Really? - Yes

You've been saving my life since day I met you

And I don't know how I missed that

I don't either It's clear as the face around your mole

- Can I get another lesson? - Sure, let's go

Oh, my God This was so delicious

I've been living with a gay guy for so long

I forgot what the skin of a chicken tastes like

Thank you

Yeah, once I took the skin of a raw chicken

and I rolled it in butter and breadcrumbs fried it up and ate alone in my bathroom

Mister, I could really fall for you

Hey, you two! We are back!

And I love this girl

And I wuv this guy

Funniest darn thing. You know the two of us, we're stubborn as mules

So when we leave this apartment we both make a beeline for Fiorelli's

Turns out it's now a burned-out building

that's very important to the Latin Kings / Yeah

So, she looks at me, I look at her The Latin Kings look at us

And I tuck her under my arm and off we go

Now, I told him to go down Arden Street..

And I'm thinking McKinley must be quicker

But, I bit my tongue and wouldn't you know, she was right

Let's never fight again

Make that a promise, baby

Dale, you got any Orangina? I'm kind of in that mood

Uh, yeah Except I don't have any ice

The water here doesn't freeze

Although it fills you up like a bucket of KFC

Ah, great night huh, honey?

You know, I'm having a really good time

I was being a snob

Dale is funny and sweet and cooks with real butter

And I think I'm going to see him again

I'm proud of you, Grace

Hey, Grace Nice eye shadow

Did you ever hear Dale play the piano?

- Uh, no. No, I haven't - Dale?

It's not.. it isn't gonna be classical, is it?

Oh, God, no Strictly show tunes and top 20

Yeeee!

Oh, I love this song

Someone to hold me too close...

Someone to hurt me too deep

Someone to sit in my chair And ruin my sleep

And make me aware of being alive

Being alive

Beeeiiinn..

What? / Ah, I just noticed the time It's getting pretty late

It's 8:30

Yeah, I was kind of hoping to be in bed by 9:00

Wait a minute is this because of my singing?

Because you live in Statin Island On a landfill

You know, I've learned to live with the smell

But I'll never get that sound out of my ears

You... You're a snob

And I can too sing

Isn't it rich, aren't we a pair...

I'm sorry, Dale I had no idea

Well, this has been such fun

Malcolm, darling, would you please turn the car around?

Why? We're turning left on Richmond

We're turning right!

You know this is the deep end?

I know

You'll be there

Okay

One... Two... Jump!

See, Will that wasn't so bad

Oh, look, you've already taught yourself the dead man's float!

OOH!

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