Original subtitles

Okay, look at this picture

If you look at it closely I swear you can see

Katie Holmes mouthing "Help me."

Please

She made her own twin beds

Oh, my god, you're home I'll just come back later

Wait a minute, wait a minute What's with the hand truck?

It's not what it looks like I just came to take your sofa

Why do you need our sofa?

Well, I really wanted to do something to spruce up my talk show

'cause I have a really exciting guest

Even better than the guest on my first episode

Better than a moustache drawn on your hand

that you said was Lou Diamond Phillips?

I find that hard to believe

Oh. Okay Well

there's somebody who's not gonna get to meet Harrison Ford!

And there's someone else who's not gonna get to meet Harrison Ford

Anyway, Grace

Would you like to help me with my set?

I asked the art department to spruce it up

but they're all lesbians and I feel like it needs a woman's touch

Sure, Jack

But you should know better than to stereotype lesbians

Ooh, while I'm there I can have of them fix my watch

Hey, kids Just stopped by to say hi

You live here now I never want to see you again

See you later!

Karen! What are you doing?

She still won't forgive me for knowing Mr. Stan was alive

And she'll come to realize that I only did it because I love her

Or when she needs a bong buddy

Well, here it is

Everything she had when I first brought her home

A doll made of sticks

a moth-eaten blanket

and her degree in Clinical Psychology from the University of Texas

Karen. Rosie can't live with us

Why? Because she's black, Grace?

Karen, she can stay for a few days

But, sooner or later you're gonna have to deal with what happened with Stan

What? Honey, I'm fine I'm moving on with my life

I'm dating Malcolm

I've joined Curves

Oh! And I finally got into the Harry Potter books

You know I say I root for Gryffindor but secretly I love my Slytherin boys

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8x02 I Second That Emotion

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That was heartbreaking, Hurumi

You are an extraordinary talent

Arigato!

Oh, and by the way

somebody threw up on the radiator next to the toilet again

It's pretty baked on

but you can probably scrape most of it off with your bow

Hey, Karen, I hope you don't mind I let myself in

Although, considering this is a 17 bedroom mansion

should you really leave the front door unlocked?

Nah. What is there to take in here

Well, it's not so much as what might get stolen

as how many of your staff might try to escape

Look... I'm worried that you're not dealing

with this whole Stan being alive thing

I think you're in denial about your feelings

Wait a minute

You're using psychiatry on me

I've read all the studies on psychiatry Have you?

It's a pseudo-science and it doesn't exist

And neither do postpartum depression or Brooke Shields

karen

You don't have to put up a wall with me

I've seen you punching coat check girls

swallowing buttons you thought were pills

shooting at the birds in your wallpaper

So come on talk to me

- I don't know - Come on

Start taking that wall down one brick at a time

Come on just one brick

- Just one? - Yeah. Come on

I'll be right beside you

Take that brick down Now, what do you see?

Too quick My fault

I shouldn't have pushed you that hard

And please, swear to me you'll never tell me

what was behind that brick

Are you crying?

Honey, I missed Stanley so much

And know I find out that he's alive and that he lied to me

It hurts, Will

I feel empty and confused... and

even more alone than I did when thought he was dead

Karen, c'mere C'mere

You just let it all out That's it

Now, you feel better?

You take all the time you need

I'm sorry, Jack

I thought I'd have more time before the show

No, Grace This is great!

Thank you

It just needed, you know a touch of elegance

Oh, hello Life Saver!

What? I'm not gonna eat it

I wonder what else is in here

Uh, Jack we have a problem

uh, if you got someone pregnant, straighty

that's your problem, not mine

We don't have Harrison Ford

What?!

Why would you swear we had him if we didn't have him?

Because you said if we didn't have him I'd be fired

Okay, I probably shouldn't have said that

Just don't let it happen again, okay?

Now. Do we have Angelina Jolie for tomorrow?

If you say "no," you're fired

She's super excited to meet you

Great. Okay

Now, what am I gonna do for a guest?

We're on in five, four, three, two...

Welcome to "Jack Talk"!

Today's guest interior designer Grace Adler!

All right, settle down, ladies

It's not like I brought Judy back to life

Thanks for being on the show, Grace!

What the hell's going on?

Isn't she hilarious?

Hey, Kathy Griffin, you're not the only funny red-head over 40!

I think I'm gonna go

Hey, here's a fun fact about Grace She lives with a gay man

Oh, yeah

Um, yeah I have for a while

He's been my best friend for years

Thank you!

I'm also very involved in the New York gay scene

That's right

Grace has closed more gay bars than the Department of Health

And, like my mother always says

if you love gay men so much why don't you just marry one

Believe me I've tried!

Sounds like you love everything about gay men

Not true

Jack Talk audience can we speak seriously for just a moment?

There is one thing I don't like I don't like gay men...

who don't like themselves

I could listen to you talk forever I could

But who wants to watch me make a protein shake?

What did you do to me?!

Uh, healed you?

Do I look healed to you?!

I took a few bricks out the whole damned building collapsed!

I can't eat I can't sleep

Yesterday, I was so upset I walked into the Mercer Hotel

and threw a phone at the front desk clerk

Karen, I'm sorry but if you want to get...

Get away from me! I want to be alone

I haven't felt this emotionally raw and exposed since....

Penthouse published those photos of me and Vanessa Williams

Do you think Grace would mind if borrowed this?

That's mine

Hello?

Grace, where are you? Why aren't you watching "Jack Talk?"

I am!I'm getting my hair done

but I've got channel 749 on right now

Guys, when you hear what I said about gays

I think you're gonna be pretty happy

Maybe even free hot oil treatment happy

All right Grace look, I gotta go

I can hear myself through the phone on your TV, on Will's TV, in my head

It's too much of a good thing

Oh, here comes my serious moment Turn it up, Hector

Can I speak seriously for just a moment?

There is one thing I don't like

I don't like gay men

You know, it's kinda weird

The way that episode was edited

it almost makes it seem like Grace hates gay men

Do you think she noticed?

I'm sure it's fine

I just hope you're okay with having only one testicle

Simba looks angry

I

hate

gays?

Yeah, I know, Grace You said it on my show, remember?

Do you have any idea what I have been through?

On my way over here

I was egged in the East Village

Egg-whited in the West Village

And in Chelsea

some vicious queen threw a skinless chicken breast at me

as he roller bladed by!

I'm sorry, Grace

The show ran crazy long I had to cut something

if I wanted to keep my full four minutes of me making that shake

Okay see that makes sense

Now that I know the context

Right / Yeah! It's almost kind of funny, right?

Kind of? It's hilarious!

I mean, look I paid two hundred bucks for this!

Stick a pencil up your ass you're a troll doll

So, good show, right?

Yes! Come here I wanna give you a hug

I'm beginning to think you're not taking this so well

I am not homophobic you mincing little squirrel

So, here's what you're gonna do, Alice

You're gonna put me on your next show so I can clear my name

Can't...

Have... Angelina Jolie

Smitty, do you ever think about giving up?

You know, just ending it all

Funny you should ask

Tonight is the anniversary of the fire that killed my identical twin

and I've never felt more alone

Now how is it that you're tending bar

and Jimmy Kimmel has his own show?

It's just not right

There you are

Get lost, Wilma

Thanks to you, I've got all these awful memories flooding back

My dog getting hit a car

My three-legged dog getting hit by a slower car

My dog, on a little cart

rolling under a school bus

Well, as hard as it is remembering these things

dealing with them is how you heal

Was this all the same dog?

Why wasn't he on a leash?

"Deal with things?"

Who are you to talk about dealing with things?

What do you mean? I deal

Oh, please! You're zipped up tighter than Star Jones in a...

well, really anything with a zipper

That's why you spend all of your time fixing everybody else's problems

so you don't have to look at your own

That's crap

Really?

Then why don't we take a few little bricks out of Will's wall, huh?

Go ahead

But you're not gonna find anything back there

'cause when something comes into my life, I tend to it. Then move on

So you don't keep the remnants of your career back there?

I quit my job to do something meaningful

And how's that going for ya?

It takes time to find the right thing

Apparently, that applies to boyfriends, too

because the only man that you've had a successful relationship with is Grace

I've had tons of successful relationships!

That all ended

Successfully!

Well, I'm glad you've got it all figured out, Will

Because if I were you I'd be worried

Oh, yeah? Well, don't be

'Cause what I have is a fresh start

It's exciting, actually You know?

I'm unemployed I'm single. I'm 41

The world is my....

Oh, just put me on a little cart and roll me under a school bus

Hi, I'm Jack McFarland Welcome to "Jack Talk!"

Today I have my exclusive follow up interview with Grace Adler

Woman misunderstood or homophobic monster?

Let's give her a warm welcome

Okay, all right All right. Hey!

Give her a chance She hasn't even sat down yet. Okay?

Now, I need to correct an editing mistake from yesterday

I've known little Grace Adler here for many many years and she is not a homophobe

I'm not

Yes, you are yes you are!

Hey, hey! All right, hey now

Let's take a deep breath, okay?

Oh, Grace, I think you broke a rib yesterday when you attacked me

No, no-- I was hugging him

Oh, shut up!

Shut up!

Shame on you!

Bad queens!

Bad queens

Do you even know who you're booing?

I have been devoted to you for decades

When I was a little girl

I showed you mine when you showed me yours

Even though you didn't care

When I was in high school I showed you mine

when you showed me yours even though you didn't care

And when I was in my twenties

I slept with you

even though you still didn't care

And now, you sneer at me

at the Chelsea Market and you--

you throw macaroni salad at me on Christopher Street?

And it's so not fair

because I love you people!

I have always loved you in a very unhealthy way

For my own personal development

so now love me back dammit!

You seem fine

Why are you so drank when we together the same amount?

Honey, you don't look so good

Not so much fun peeking behind the wall, is it?

No. People like us

we should just leave the walls up and all the feelings on the other side

What you say we start

stacking those bricks back, huh?

Good idea

Me first

Oh! The time that the football team caught me kissing that poster...

of the football team

Never happened

My eighth birthday which my mother celebrated

by changing my name and moving us to Vancouver

Good-bye

or the time I told my first boyfriend I loved him and he said

"Did you just eat falafel?"

Doesn't hurt

The horrible, muffled cries of Patty Hearst from behind that closet door

Never happened

Oh, what about..... what about Stan coming back?

That's....that's a big ole brick

I think I need to leave that one out for a while

Really?

Well, it hurts, but I may need to take a peek again

I'll leave one out, too

I had the perfect guy and the perfect job

and I threw it all away

Honey, I said leave out a brick not blow out an archway

But, you know...

I do feel a little better

Yeah? I'm glad

I feel like I'm gonna throw up

Okay Second door on your left

Hurumi! Get your violin and spatula

and meet Mr. Truman in the john!

Love me back, dammit!

Wow

And that was my fourth take

I'm sorry we had to keep doing it Stupid sound man

New rule, you gotta be at least thirteen to work on the show

Wait a minute you did that four times?

How did you remember it?

Please

Any hag worth her salt has that speech ready to go for the day you guys turn

Wanna hear it in Spanish?

Qu? es la problema con su gente?

No soy un homophobe!