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Will & Grace 8x01 Alive And Schticking

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Look, I can't see you again, Tom You're married

I know we kissed, but that's all that happened

Okay, that happened

And that happened, too But only because it fell out

Look, we really shouldn't be talking about this, I mean it

Please, don't call me again

Call me later

Where were you last night? I have huge news!

I was here I didn't go anywhere, I have morals

Look, you can't tell anyone what I'm about to tell you now

Karen's dead husband is not dead

What? Stan's alive?

But there was a funeral We scattered a trash bag full of his ashes

Apparently, that was just dirt and Rice Krispies

Oh, my god, that's unbelievable! What happened?

Remember Malcolm? The guy who recruited me for his foundation?

It turns out he works for "big brother."

- The TV show? - No, the government!

He staged Stan's death because Stan was in some kind of trouble with the mob

So, for the last two years, he and Stan have been living under seclusion

under protection of "big brother."

- The government? - No, the TV show

Malcolm's sister-in-law is an associate producer or something

Ok. Wait a minute, Your new boss actually works for the government

and has been protecting Stan all this time?

Yeah. He's not my boss anymore, I quit

The whole thing is just complicated and convoluted It doesn't even make any sense

It's like the contract they make you sign when you marry Tom Cruise

Oh, God. Man

God, Stan is back from the dead What did Karen say?

I mean, she freaked when her stepdaughter came back from camp

She doesn't know No one can know

until they're certain it's safe for Stan to come out of hiding

So, Grace we can keep secrets, right?

Oh, yeah

I mean, other people's secrets I don't have any secrets I'm a good person

Hey, Will Where's Grace?

How 'bout that Right in the blind spot

Anyway, I'm sure you all heard about the horrible F-I-Asco

at the premiere of "Jack Talk" last night

Uh, no And in case you've forgotten

we try not to give people reasons to call us "butt pirates."

I tripped making my entrance knocked over the lights and caught the set on fire

- And that's when you hurt your eye? - No

When we were celebrating putting out the fire

I got a piece of glitter in my cornea

Grace, I called you last night Where were you?

Did you get together with that Tom guy?

Because it seems like you two were really hitting it off--

Stan's alive! Will saw him!

It's true, Jack

Last night I sat across from Stan and he talked to me

same as I'm talking to you right now

If I were eating 14 chalupas

Wow I need some time to process that

It may take a while because I only have one eye

All I know is that I was here last night. That's all I know

- Malcolm? - Hi. Hi, gang

I'm sorry to barge in here

unannounced uninvited and reeking of hummus, but Will...

Can I speak with you privately, please? It's urgent

Sure. Just let me get some pita to dip into your breath

Why did you quit your job?

Is it because I said you couldn't wear open-toed shoes to work?

Uh, no, it's because I was working for a bogus charity

which was a cover for a shady government operation

to protect a back-from-the-dead former client

And by the way some sandals can be very dressy

I just hope you haven't been blabbing about Stan

because anyone that knows anything can be a target for assassination

What?! You never mentioned that!

Well, que sera, sera

What does that mean?!

Whatever will be will be It's the very next line of the song

I know what it means

I was obsessed with Doris Day the same as any other normal teenaged boy

Look, the important thing right now is to get these ice cream sandwiches

into your freezer as soon as possible

What are you doing with ice cream sandwiches?

I'm gonna drop by without a gift? I think I was raised better than that

No one can see us talking Quick, I'm your boyfriend!

Hey, hey, hey Come on!

Come on! Will, Will!

Will, that is just disgusting and unnatural

Oh, you're not Grace Never mind. Sorry

Karen, what happened to you?

you know how my big toe and the one next to it have always been webbed together?

No. Although I always assumed you had a tail

Yeah. Well, I finally had it surgically corrected

I can't swim in really fast circles anymore, but I can wear flip-flops

She removed the one thing that made her human

Uh, excuse me, miss Malcolm Widmark

I hope this isn't too forward but I find you quite beautiful

I look forward to the day that I see you ride this thing

toward me on a very bumpy road

In a town where everyone's naked

Karen Walker, and it is pleasure to meet a true gentleman

Now, if you'll excuse me

the gap between my toes is throbbing like a son of a bitch

Sheer elegance

What can I say, she is everything Stan said she would be much more

- Your package is dripping - What can I say? I like her

The ice cream sandwiches! Give me that

So the doctor said he could separate my toes with a laser

But I said, "Nope. Scissors."

Hey, if it was good enough for my mother...

Anywho...Thanks for not making me feel self-conscious

Hey. Cyclops! What's with the idiot patch? (��ȭ 'X-��'�� ij����)

I had the largest glitter-related tragedy since Mariah Carey's film debut

Hello?

Tom, I don't think I can go ahead with it

Because it's wrong I said no, please just stop calling

The American Heart Association

They're relentless

The boys are back

Ms. Walker

I have dated many women with physical and mental disabilities in my time

but of the ones in chairs might I say you are the loveliest

Speaking of chairs you look like a fun place to sit

How would you like to go out on a date with me? Right now

I can't see any reason why not

You can't?

Wanna to give it a minute?

Well, let me just freshen up Come on, Rosie, Vamoose, moose

I'm going on lunch, lady

Mmm, Subway chicken parm

Mmm,It could only taste better if I were eating this on your grave

Sassy gals get the hose!

You know, since my de-webbing

I have so much more compassion for people in pain

Ow!

Look out, sissy!

Malcolm

- can speak to you privately? - Ow!

You can't date Karen! You're still protecting her husband

- It's a clear conflict of interest - Ooh, "conflict of interest."

Somebody went to the University of Fancy

Look, Will, don't worry It's all part of the plan

We'll talk it over at the office tomorrow

No, we won't We're gonna do my plan

You don't date Karen You accept the fact that I quit

And you never bring ice cream to a gay man's house, That's just hostile

Jack

you've had affairs with married men, right?

I am insulted you would even ask

Of course I have

That's like me asking you if you rely too much on your hair

Guilty

It even got me out of my math requirement at N.Y.U.

So you don't feel worried that cheating makes you a bad person?

Why? What have I done?

My only crime is being irresistible

Besides, Grace, life is too short to waste time on over-thinking things

When an opportunity comes I don't question it

I grab it, drop its ring on the nightstand, and swing on it 'til dawn!

You make it -- you make it sound so hot

Necessary even

Um, Yeah!

And, um, it's also kind of sexy to have a secret no one knows

Like when you drink too much and get a little tattoo that says "I love Will"

What?

Did you hear that? Karen's hurt

- Karen, are you okay? - Ow!

Did you hear that? Rosie's hurt!

Tom, hi Let's do it

Yeah. Life is too short and I just want to grab at it and swing on it 'til dawn!

Oh, no, no, no, no that's just a little figure of speech

I mean, we're going to run out of stuff way before dawn

Yeah, I don't do that much

- Okay - Okay

It's official I don't trust Malcolm

I don't trust Malcolm either

- There, I said it - No, I just said it

But, you didn't say "there, I said it."

I agree with Jack Malcolm can't be trusted

I said it before he--Look

the important thing is we have to tell Karen the truth

- That her husband is alive - We have to tell Karen Stan's alive

- There, I said it - No, I said it

- You're right, Grace - I said it before--

I'm the one making dramatic pronouncements here!

About what, honey?

Karen, you can't go out with Malcolm

- Why not? - Because--

Because Stan's alive

Now that is one hot cackle

- Are you ready? - Oh, Malcolm. You will not believe

what Will just said to keep us from dating

He said that my dead husband Stan is alive!

Oh, Will, you kill me...

And one day I'm going to have to repay the favor

I did not see that coming

Well, I saw half of it coming

Will! Out in the hallway now!

Hi, gang!

Buddy, you made a big mistake telling Karen about Stan

Thank God she thought you were joking

If you pull that one more time, you are going to be majorly assassinated

"Majorly assassinated"?

Wicked assassinated?

Oh, for God's sake This isn't about Stan anymore

There's no danger You just want to sleep with Karen!

Gosh, I just wanted to hold hands but do you think she'll go all the way?

I know I've overstated the danger to you

I want to keep Stan underground for a while longer

to see if I have a future with his wife

A future? You just met her!

I've known her eight years and I just found out recently she has fish feet!

Jack?

Help me figure out what to bring Which one is sexier?

Oh, Grace, I have no opinion on women's undergarments

I don't know what pokes through where

And where are you going?

I'm going to meet Tom

You know what? I'm not even going to think about it

I'm going to close my eyes and do what I want

Oh, hey, hello I'm George Bush, ha-ha

Wait a minute

Are you telling me you intend to know a married man in the biblical sense?

And in the vagina?

You can't do that

Jack, we talked about this You said it was, it was fun, and sexy

Not for you!

You are a woman of quality

That is such-- that's such a double standard

What, you get to do it, but I don't?

It's different for me, because--

because it--

I said--

All right. Listen, I'm going to tell you something

that does not leave this room, okay?

- I've never cheated - No!

Yes I, too, am--

I, too, am a woman of quality

Sure, I talk a big game, but deep down, I know it's wrong, and so do you!

Let's face it, Grace

You and I, we have always been the moral center of our group

- We have? - Oh, come on

You know how when Will and Karen get in their ridiculous shenanigans

you and I always catch each other's eyes and shrug

- We shrug? - Yes

Because we're moral

That is why we shrug

And Grace, you were devastated when Leo cheated on you

Do you really want to do that to someone else?

The more you know And shooting star

You know what, Jack?

You're right. You're right You're right. You're right

Tell me how you feel about this business then.

I, I thought that I could be cavalier about love and sex

but that's not who I am. And I'm glad it's not

Thank you for being honest with me, Jack. Really

Well...

If I'm really going to be honest, um...

There's something else I need to say to you

I, um, do not have a G.R.I., glitter-related injury

It's something much more hideous

What happened to your eyebrow?

Funny you should ask

During the fire, I sing'd it off

You mean "singed"

No, actually, I mean sing'd

As the set burned around me

I refused to stop singing my patriotic finale

You're a Grand Old Fag

When I went to salute I didn't realize my sleeve was on fire...

Okay, look, we're done

Will-- I didn't want to have to play this card, but if you keep it up

I'm coming after your family

That's the Partridge Family

Would you be upset if they died?

- Do not try to kiss me! - I wasn't going to

Why? Was I bad?

Wilma, Malcolm Inside, we need to talk!

- We certainly do - Will, don't make trouble for me

I just want to have dinner with Karen and catch a flight to D.C. by midnight

I have to shred some documents for a client

I can't say who, but I can't delay it

Do you understand?

Delay it

It's Tom DeLay It's Tom DeLay's documents!

You're an idiot!

Well. Will said something that has made me very curious

Well, I see you're curious too, Jack

I just don't understand

why Will would lie to me about Stan being alive I mean, come on, let's face it

Will and I have always been the moral center of our group

Stanley loved me

He loved me too much to put me through the pain of the last two years for nothing

So I know he's dead and I don't want anybody saying otherwise!

- Miss Karen-- - Rosie, you stay out of this

Miss Karen, Mr. Stan isn't dead

I've been sending him updates on you for over a year

He was in trouble, Karen He had to disappear

And now the love of your life is back

Wow

Stan's alive

Well... Ain't that a kick in the pants

Rosie

thank you for finally telling me the truth

You're fired I never want to see you again

Malcolm, I'm ready for our date

Stan may be alive but he's still dead to me!

Ciao!

Wow I feel so sad

Grace, will you change my eyebrow?

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