Original subtitles

Will, stop

This dinner is in your honor

Quitting your job and taking a big risk in your life

I do not want you to life a finger

Oh, Grace, that is so sweet

Considering I already shopped, prepped, and cooked the entire meal

It's really no big deal to carry it the last six steps

All right, but I'm clearing

I ain't clearing

Okay, guys, where's Jack? We gotta move this along

I've got Stella McCartney meeting me at the manse for a fitting

and I want Rosario to slaughter a chicken in front of her

It's fun to mess with vegans

Oh, right, the benefit

You know, I think it's great

that the Walker Foundation still gives out scholarships every year

Mm-hmm. Stan had a big heart

Well... not so much "big" as engorged and filled with cheese

Hey, guys, sorry I'm late

I was in a pitch meeting at Out TV

Oh. Okay, right. "Pitch". Yeah

That's industry speak for when people get so excited about an idea

they pitch a tent in their pants

Anyway, I'm gonna be a producer of a talk show

I'm gonna be a household name!

Wow, just like that guy who produces "Oprah"

whose name I can't remember is a household name

Exactly. Now I just need a host

Someone who you'd like to welcome into your living room every day

Like Tony Danza

Oh, look at me going on and on about my job when you were recently fired

I'm sorry

Jack, I wasn't fired. I quit

Oh Okay. Right, right

Just like I "quit" all my jobs, too Yeah

Did they bang your hands with an astray trying to get you

to let go of the cappucino machine while you were "quittin'"?

I quit because I wanted to do something meaningful with my life

And, uh, I know what it is

Writing

Well, then I know what I'm not going to be doing

Reading

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7x23 Friends with Benefits

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Hey, honey... you had a message

From a man

He sounded cute, into you, and straight

"Tom Cassidy"? Ah

- We went to college together - Ooh. College girl

Look who went to college

We had a fling my senior year of college

He was so romantic

He always made sure that his roommate was asleep before we'd do it

Tell me more. Tell me more Like did he have a car?

Oh! I know why he's calling

He must have heard about my divorce

Oh, here he comes again

Barking up the Grace tree. Woof!

He sure is

Sniffing after your rotting fruit

Looking for a place to lift his leg

Yeah, that started fun

Well, he said he's gonna stop by the office today

Gosh, honey

I think I'm kinda jealous

I wish I had a handsome man visiting me at work

Well, well, well...

Instead, I have the world's oldest girl

Keep it up, Karen Walker

I'll add that insult to my complaint

The only complaint you have is that the American Kennel Club

hasn't recognized you as a breed yet!

I am slapping you with a lawsuit for defamation of character

I was hosting a soiree for the Republican Party

on the flight deck of the Intrepid

Your friend publicly insinuated that I was a homosexual

And?

Oh, Beverley, no!

You must've misunderstood

Attention Republicans: Beverley Leslie is a homosexual

I repeat: Beverley Leslie is a homosexual

I demand a public apology at your benefit tomorrow night!

Oh, all right, fine Now get out of here, you angry inch

If not, I will destroy you!

Look at those squirrels go!

Oh. I would pay to watch squirrel racing

I'd pay to see the jockeys

That, my friend, is hilarious You must be a writer

Really? I seem like a writer? That's fantastic, 'cause that's what I am

Wonderful My favorite writer is John Steinbeck

Or is it Erma Bombeck? I get my Becks confused

Uh, one wrote about the Dust Bowl and the other wrote about the toilet bowl

Ah, very good. Yeah

So what's your voice, Will Truman? What do you want to say?

Well, I... I wanna do some good

You know? I wanna make people think The--

Wait a minute, how'd you know my name?

It's right there on your notebook above "plus Hugh Jackman"

To be fair, I wrote that a long time ago You know... before Van Helsing

I'm Malcolm Can I read something?

Oh, I don't think so You're a stranger

What if I told you I had friends at The New Yorker who were looking for new talent?

I'd say, "Howdy, stranger, wanna read an essay?"

Then I'd immediately regret saying "howdy"

Here, this one is, uh, is about how Wall Street really is a bull market

if you know what I mean

Ouch. That has got "Talk of the Town" written all over it

Ooh, good first sentence, I'm hooked

Mm-hmm. Hmm. Aah!

I didn't see that coming

I am so glad that I met you, Will Truman

You are the whole package

A great writer...

with a swimmer's body

Don't ever forget that

I put all your pictures of John Stamos

in descending order of his hotness like you asked

I hope I did it right

Let's see how you did. Okay

This is an abomination!

Jack, hi

Beat it, straighty Go call your girlfriend

Oh, Jamie

You're abusing heterosexuals You must have good news. Heh-heh

Tell me we have a host for the show

You're gonna be very happy, Jack

We were lucky to get former child star current telemarketer, Randall Finn

Randall Finn?

The loveable robot from "Small Boy Robot"?

He's perfect!

Hey, there he is Randall

Say hello to Jack

What? Who's Jack?

What do you want from me, you beaver? What? An autograph? A headshot?

Well, unless you can trade me a clean cup of urine, you can forget it

Um, no, I'm your producer Jack McFarland

Oh, oh, I'm punked to meet you

I can't wait to meet all the people who are gonna be working on my show

You just did!

By the way, big fan Loved "Small Boy Robot."

The episode where you thought you could jump in the pool with the normal kids..Oh!

Tore me up

Hey, so what kind of stuff you thinking about for my show?

Okay, well, I'd like to get you out of the studio for a segment I like to call

"Gay Man Out On The Street". You know?

It's genius, Jack I told you he was great

Jamie, back up or you're gonna be eating my fist, okay?

You're breathing down my neck like a six-foot hairdryer

Sorry, Superstar

You know what? I don't--I don't like you

You know what you remind me of is that studio teacher I always had

who was always riding me about the algebra

You know what, Jamie? I got some algebra for you

X plus Y equals: You are barred from the set!

Barred from the set!

Sweet guy

Aw, crap

Crap

Oh

Honey, what--

Why don't you just use your fingers?

No. I wanna get it the way the Chinese do

You know, the last time I saw you, I think you were trying to get my hand out of there

Good to see you, Tom

Oh, he's cute

And I usually find redheads hideous

So... tell me...

does the carpet match the drapes?

I don't know... I've got wood floors

This is my assistant, Karen

And she was just leaving to drink in the bathroom

Oh, God, I forgot about that

Uh, listen, Richie Cunningham--

I'd love it if you could come to my benefit as well. My treat

Anyone who's slept with Grace deserves a free meal

You know, I'm sure she's a good assistant

but when I called earlier, she answered "Beverley Leslie is a homosexual"

Look at you

It's like I haven't changed at all

You mean, "You haven't changed at all"

Oh, that's sweet

- So... - Mm-hmm

I guess you're wondering why I'm here

I think I have a hunch

Oh, sorry I'm late

You must be Grace

- Oh, and you must be... - My wife, Viv

Right. Viv. Hi, Viv, wife

- So did you tell her? - No, he didn't tell me

Well, I haven't had a chance

Grace, Viv and I bought a hotel in Tribeca

And we want you to design it

Wow. A hotel

That is-- That sounds really...exciting

Wow! Tom got married

That is so great

- Yeah. Isn't it great? - I said it was great

Welcome to the Metropolitan Museum of Art for the Stanley Walker Foundation Benefit

Oh. Stanley loved ancient Egyptian culture

They invented the pyramid, which later became the pyramid scheme...

A way to fool poor people into thinking that they can be rich

Oh. Enjoy your evening

Where was my apology-- for calling me a homosexual?

Oh, relax, Fruit-ankh-amen you'll get your apology

Will Truman?

Malcolm? What a coincidence

Is it? Or have I been following you all day?

I'm just kidding

Maybe you've been following me If you are, stop it

Oh, um, Grace, this is the, um,

fellow I was talking about who I met in the park

Oh, the guy who likes Will's writing You're a real person

I just lost a bet with myself

Well, I wouldn't worry about this one He's going to become a great writer

like Ernest Hemingway, Sylvia Plath, Virginia Wolff

- Didn't they all kill themselves? - But they had fun

Did they?

Hey, Karen, uh, thanks for letting us film here

We're shooting a segment where we ask straight people questions about gay culture

And if they get 'em wrong-- We throw water on them

- Hey - Hi, Randall, yes, you're late

So, um, let me quickly just go over

the two rules to a Jack McFarland set, okay?

Uh, be on time. All right?

And only members of the crew are allowed to touch a crew's member. Okay?

Just back off my jock, okay, dinkus?

Hey... who's this little fella?

How many fingers old are you, big guy? Hmm?

What? Bitch, I got a beard and three gray pubes

Oh, you know lots of words

- Hey - Hey

I'm sorry about this afternoon It was a little weird

Why didn't you tell me you were married?

I'm sorry, I-- I thought I did when I sent you an invitation that said

"Tom and Viv are getting married"

Oh... I bet it came during my divorce

I didn't open any piece of mail with calligraphy or

a stamp that said "Love" on it

Anyway, where's Viv?

She left

Somebody asked her who won the Tony award

for Best Featured Actress in a Musical in 1975

And when she didn't know they threw a bucket of water on her

Oh, Rosario, I-- Look

I'm doing some writing on social injustice you know, the battle between the classes?

You want to interview me?

No, no, I just want to jot something down Could you hold my glass?

Sleep with your lights on, white devil Your time is coming

- Hey, Grace - Hey. Will, you remember Tom?

- Oh, of course - I remember you too

You're the guy that ate half a brownie and freaked out on my floor that night

Yeah, you could imagine my embarrassment when I found out there were--

there were no drugs in it

So, Will, if I get Grace another drink

are you gonna get me kicked out of the dorm again?

I forgot what a narc you were

Excuse me, there was a war on drugs in this country

Plus, I got half a credit for every guy I turned in

I don't trust him

You know, you know he's into you?

Oh, please. He's married

You should just worry about your own guy

Yeah, your "talent scout" from the park?

Malcolm thinks I have a wonderful gift

Or does he think you have a wonderful package?

All right, I need to word with you, Randall

I need a word with you right now You listen to me

I'm the producer, all right? Got it? I'm in charge

So when I say "Jump", you say, "In what shoes?"

Hey! nobody talks to me like that, okay?

You're dead, man!

I'm gonna rip off both your arms

I'm gonna flip you off with one of 'em

and--and then I'm gonna beat you with the other one!

Are you ready to get your ass kicked?

You slapped me

Well, you were gonna attack me

I haven't been slapped since my mom used to hit me when I didn't get a callback

- Well, I'm sorry, I didn't mean-- - No! Get away from me!

I hate you! And I quit!

You have just become the top of my list of enemies

You have just leapt right past Wilmer Valderrama

Congratulations, buddy!

I have a quick announcement

We have raised $250,000 for the Stanley Walker Foundation

It goes to fix the foundation of Stanley Walker's house on Sag Harbor

I'm just kidding!

It goes to poor people or chicks or something...

Not so fast

Isn't there something else that you need to say?

Oh, right...

What was it that I was supposed to apologize for, again?

What did I say?

You know...that I was a homosexual!

- Hmm? - That I'm a homosexual

- What? - I'm a homosexual

I'm a homosexual!

That's right, ladies and gentlemen you heard it here first

Out loud and proud, Beverley Leslie Can we give him a hand?

Tickle, tickle, it's Uncle Malcolm

Listen, can I ask you something

and it's-it's unrelated to that whole sort of Uncle-tickle thing you just did

You-- You're not... into me, are you?

No, I'm not. I mean

I think you're a great-looking guy and all, but I'm into women

I don't care if they were born that way so long as they are now

Well, that's great So it is my writing that you like?

Oh, I love it, but I may be the only one

I heard from my contacts at The New Yorker They didn't really care for it

Well, what'd they say exactly?

They said they're going to enter your name into a database

If it comes up again, a warning will pop up with a deafening alarm

Well, I... Damn it I quit my job as a lawyer to help people

And I'm not gonna let a few rejections get in my way

Did you say that you were a lawyer?

I was, yeah

Oh, my gosh, now I know why we keep bumping into each other

This is fate

I had my own charitable foundation

and I've been looking for a lawyer to help me run it

You could be helping needy children and there's T

- Helping children in need? - Yeah

- That's great! - Yeah

- And I could write about it too! - N-n-no!

- The database - Oh, yeah

We deserve a snack

Get your coat, we're going to Serendipity

Five minutes ago, I had no job and I felt like dessert

Now look at me!

He's on the hook

Operation Getting Will Truman To Be A Lawyer Again is a success

I know it's long, but it says what it is

And we agreed that I could name the top secret operation this week

and you could get the bagels

Wow. Wow, I can't believe how long we've been here

And I never even looked at any of the art. Heh-heh....

Well, we could do it now

Too many stairs

You're right This old crap ain't going anywhere

Well, uh... I guess I should go home

Yeah. Yeah, we start work tomorrow

Mm, bright and early

- Goodnight - Goodnight

- Whoa-- No, no - What? No--

- You-- - I didn't mean--

- You're married. I don't do that - I know-- I'm sorry

- It can't happen again - I won't, I promise

- Okay. Goodnight - Goodnight

Who the hell put this freakin' ram here?

My show is gone, Elizabeth!

It's gone!

- Oh! - Oh, hey, Jamie

I'm really sorry about what happened with Randall

It's okay, Jack

I saw some of that video from the museum

Sister, you are pretty on camera

Are you asking me out?

No, I was gonna ask you to host the show

We'll talk about your contract over drinks

Oh, my God!

I'm gonna host my own talk show!

We did it, Elizabeth we did it!

Oh, forget it! You even twirl like a straight man!