Original subtitles

Okay, you guys, I need your help

Somewhere in this store is the elusive 5-Pocket Bootleg in Crane distressed wash

I will also accept it in Dark Fusion or Bruise

Okay, you guys, fan out And remember

whoever finds it gets to borrow it once a month when I'm bloated

Once a month

Oh, crap it's Joanne

One of the students from my old acting class

What's the big deal? Go say hi

I can't Things with the class didn't end well

I took six months of checks from everyone and never showed up again

Well, if they're stupid enough to pay you they deserve to be taken advantage of

- I know, right? - Yeah

Jack?

Oh, Joanne, I didn't see you How are you

I just booked a healthy pet commercial I'm the new face of heartworm

"You mean checking Fluffy's poo could have saved her life?"

That's my line

Well, I am glad you remembered everything we worked on

How could I forget? Last week I had a breakthrough

I was playing Laura in The Glass Menagerie

and I looked so good in my bikini that the gentleman caller stayed

I believe when I left, we were working on "Caroline in the City."

But hold on did you say last week?

Yes, in Tuesday's master class Wendell is amazing

You couldn't have named a better successor

Well, I never named a successor

And if I had, I wouldn't have named him Wendell

Well, yeah, he's been teaching the McFarland Method ever since you left

What?!

This Wendell is teaching the McFarland Method?

He's stealing from me!

This is identity theft, the most heinous of crimes!

- Here are your sweaters, Mr. Truman - Thank you

We just need a signature

Oh, my God, I think I see them All the way-- All the way up on top

Okay, I'll get a salesperson

No. No, no I hate salespeople

What, I do all the work and they get all the credit?

When they ask me at the register who helped me I always say no one

Even if they did

That money comes out of my pocket

No, it doesn't.

Shut up, and give me a boost Come on

You sure this is a good idea?

Yeah, it's fine It's like the climbing wall at the gym

You mean the one you've never tried because you claim the handgrips smell farty?

Oh, got it! Oh, shoot It's moving.

Grace, let go of the jeans and climb down

I can't, it's my size!

- Let go! - Never!

It looks like you found them in Bruise

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7x22 From Queer to Erernity (�뺻��ó: Rob Durfee )

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Hi, Will. I hope you didn't worry too much but I'm gonna be okay

Yeah, I know you're okay

You landed in a bin of cashmere sweaters

And bounced gently when you hit it

I think you even giggled like Snuggles the bear

I'm a fall survivor

If anything, you should feel guilty for not having fallen

Why aren't you taking this seriously?

Because you're wearing a ridiculous "I Love Lucy" neck brace

All right, so I may be overreacting a little bitBut it was scary

I realized that one day I might die

Yeah, and one day you might get the morning gunk out of your eye before noon

but I'm not holding my breath for that either

Will, I'm serious

I haven't made any of the major decisions

I mean, who will I give my things to?

What will happen to my business? Where will I be buried?

Well, your business will go under

Your things are my things so I'll just take them back

And I always figured I'd have you stuffed

and keep you by the front door to prop up umbrellas

I wanna do a will

Yeah, well, get in line behind all the other ladies!

No

You wanna do this, it's fine Drop by the office tomorrow

Good God this thing itches

I shouldn't have done that Now I gotta hold my head up myself

"Wendell Schacter"? Pretty

I wonder what his real name was before he glammed it up for Hollywood

Oh, what a noble mind is here or thrown The court--

Stop. Just stop What the hell is that?

Clearly you don't understand Shakespeare

Now, Ophelia may be insane and suicidal but first and foremost she's a pretty girl

You're in a sea of troubles Why aren't you wearing a bikini?

How can I drum this into your heads?

Acting is not about emotion!

It's about two things

Making pleasant faces and moving to the right spot

That is the very essence of the McFarland Method

Acting is

attracting

That's my catch phrase Well, that and

ma ma se, ma ma sa ma ma coo sa

Honey, my catch phrase is

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case you figure it out

All right, actors let's take five

That'll give you a chance to purchase my McFarland method books, DVDs, mouse pads

I only have large men's t-shirts, and girls I'm afraid I'm out of the baby tee's

Honey, I had baby tee's

Then I put plant food on 'em and now look

Excuse me, Sir could you please sign my book?

Sure, what's your name?

My name is Jack...!

McFarland

I know

Hello, Jack

How did you get your hands on the McFarland method?

I studied with you for two semesters

No, you didn't I would remember that

I sat in the second row between Russell and Edwin

Okay, Russell, Edwin please take your shirts off

You in the middle why don't you just button up?

Thank you Just...all the way

And then one day, you didn't show up So I took over

Oh, and then one day I showed up so you can leave

I'm confused Who's teaching the class now?

Now you see what you've done?

You've broken the cardinal rule of acting

You've confused the hot guy

I thought the cardinal rule of acting was when I see you with your wife

I act like we're not sleeping together

You've used my method to have sex with women?

Shame!

I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to leave

This is my class now And there's nothing you can do about it

That's where you're wrong, Schacter

Do you really think that Jack McFarland

would be stupid enough not to trademark his McFarland Method?

Because if you think that, you're right

I am that stupid

Karen, let's go!

Let's start with the money

So, who do you wanna leave it to?

I suppose you wanna leave a substantial amount to charity

No

Of course, I'd like you to get some

Thank you I'm very touched

How much would you like to leave me?

Gosh, I don't know How much did you leave me?

I'm not really comfortable disclosing that

Just leave what's in your heart

You know, the heart you're apparently keeping along with all your other organs

even though they could save a life

I don't want some stranger peeing with my kidney

Come on, Will. Tell me We tell each other everything

No, a will is a very personal thing

Nobody's seen it Except for my mother

But that's only 'cause I asked her to proof it

God, can you imagine the embarrassment of having a will with typos?

I'd die!

Again

Your mother knows?

Come on, tell me!

No. Stop Leave it alone

Come on Let's get on with this

I got an insane amount of work to do today

Is that the sandwich cart? Egg salad!

I called it, egg salad!

Connie, it's Will

Can you get Will's mom on the phone?

Make yourself comfortable, Grace I'll be there in a minute

Please don't sit down until I get there

Oh, Grace, have you seen that new show "Desperate Housewives"?

My friends and I play this drinking game when we watch it

Yeah, one shot every five minutes

Oh, look at that You don't even need a TV

Yeah, and sometimes I don't even have a friend over

So what brings you to this neck of the woods?

I've been thinking about death Do you ever think about death?

I was forced to this summer when our sweet little Biscuit died

Oh, I heard he was a wonderful dog

He was a character, that one

He was just 25 pounds full of love

Unless you weren't white, then watch out

I don't know I guess I must be thinking about it

'cause I'm doing my will now

Now I know why you're here You want me to proof it?

Yeah, okay, I'll get my red pen and my half glasses

No. No

That's not why I'm here

This is a little awkward, but

I would like to leave Will some money

And I don't want him to be embarrassed if I leave him more than he left me

So how much did he leave me?

What's your game, Grace Adler?

Nothing I'm just curious

I would never betray my son's confidence

He told me he was gay years ago

I still haven't told anyone

Marilyn, I understand

We can still chat about other things though, can't we?

I suppose

- More wine? - Yeah

- thank you - You're welcome

honey, are you still mad about that acting class?

Why do you care anyway? You're a big executive at Out TV now

You got a briefcase, an office

big-boy underpants

I guess because it's my class

And I should be the only one allowed to teach it

Well, honey then go and get it

If you want something that much you shouldn't let anything stand in your way

Dammit, you're right!

How do I get it, though?

Because he won't give it up

He's clinging to it like he's Kirstie Alley and the class is a shred of dignity

Well, honey, you've got to give him something that he wants more than that class

A balloon ride over Taye Diggs' house?

No, honey something he wants

I mean, the reason that people become acting teachers is that they're failed actors

I mean, look at you....ta Hagen

I mean, all the teachers would give it up in a minute if they got the right part

But I can't get him to be an actor again

Honey, I have connections I can get him a part

Fantastic! But wait

If you had connections why have you never gotten me a part?

Honey, I said I had connections not superpowers

So I've decided on a number for the amount of money I wanna leave you

Oh, great, let me just fill in the....

$1400

And if you go first it'll be the same 1400 I got from you

How did you....Wait

Lavender perfume masking the scent of an afternoon spritzer

The way you're standing up straight as if somebody told you to stop slouching

You've been to see my mother!

Will, I don't--I don't get it You're--you're rich

And I don't mean in that stupid "It's a Wonderful Life" kinda way

where you have a lot of friends You have money

This is not about my money, Grace This is a breach of trust

I can't believe that you went to my mother

God, I can't even talk to you right now!

This never would have happened if you had just told me in the first place

All right, actors, take your seats We have a lot of work today

Elaine, are you gaining weight?

I'm pregnant

Well, congratulations

You just went from leading lady to funny friend

Uh, excuse me Mr. Dennehy

I am not Brian Dennehy

Oh... Right, and I'm not Betty Boop

Hey, what if I were to tell you that

you are going to walk out of here right now

and never teach this class again?

I don't think so

There's nothing that would make me leave my students

Even if I were able to get you the acting job of your dreams?

King Lear on Broadway?

Close! Banging on a garbage can lid

in the road company of Stomp

Well, I hardly think that....

Oh, I could get used to this

Goodbye, class

Where's he going?

Does that mean I shouldn't go to the Radisson after class?

Students, I have good news

Allow me to introduce the creator of the McFarland Method, Mr. Jack

McFarland

I know!

Yes, it's me!

And from now on this class will be run the McFarland way

Gentlemen, up front Ladies, take the broken chairs

Will, don't turn this around

You're the one that did something hurtful to me

You want more money, Grace fine, you can have more money

There's 300 bucks in the back of my--

Sock drawer

Now it's 20 and a frozen yogurt punch card

How could you do that?

How could you leave me such a measly amount of money?

Is that how little I mean to you?

- Of course not - Then, why?

You wanna know? You really wanna know?

Yes

Because 15 years ago when I wrote that will, that's all the money I had

Wait, you haven't updated your will in 15 years?

Will, you update your Barry Manilow fan site, web thing every day

I'm telling you, Grace it's called the "Manilow-down."

And people depend on it

I tried to rewrite that will so many times

Every time I sit down to make a list of everything I have

I just feel like I have nothing

Will, you've got everything

You've got your health, friends, family

You just made partner

And most importantly of all

you still have all your hair

It's just, the guy I am now...

is not the guy I was hoping to be when I wrote that will in law school

- Oh, come on. - No, I'm serious

I never thought I'd be just another corporate lawyer with a lot of stuff

I wanted to accomplish... more

Will, you are young

Whatever it is you want to accomplish in your life

there is still plenty of time to do it

- You think? - I know

Come on Accomplish us a couple of hot dogs

You okay, honey?

No, I'm not. I thought I wanted to teach this class

But now that I have it again it feels like a step backwards

Maybe you're just moving on

You're showing growth

Oh, sorry

You know, I don't miss teaching

I guess I just miss people looking at me

I miss being the center of attention Is that wrong?

No, honey, that's just who you are

And you'll find something You can't help but shine

Oh, Karen

But how am I gonna tell all my students I'm abandoning them again?

Don't. Just cash their checks and then never come back

That's a good idea

There isn't hope of any one of them ever having an actual career anyway

we're still here

And scene

Hey

In honor of us not getting hit by that bus

I thought that I would treat us to lunch

Wow, you are happy to be alive

Just so you know I have finished both of our wills

Really? Wow

And I'm leaving you more than you're leaving me

A lot more

You know, after what happened to us I realize that I just

I need to start making some changes in my life

So you know what I did?

I bought this bag

Shouldn't have Can't afford it

Came out of your inheritance

But really wanted it

So I've decided I'm gonna start giving myself gifts

That's great Good for you, sweetie

Thank you

I made some changes too

Oh, great

I quit my job

Excuse me?

I quit my job

I want to do something meaningful with my life

So I quit

Where you taking me for lunch?

Will, you just dropped a bombshell on me

Don't you think you should pay now?