Original subtitles

Okay, gimme my latte

Why does yours say Patrice?

Oh, that's my coffee name

You have a coffee name?

There's a lot you don't know about me

Eh, maybe that's all

Hello, dear. It's your mother

Calling from heaven, I hope

Bad news about your father's birthday this weekend, dear

Your sisters can't make it

So it'll just be you and me and the old putz. Hm

Did I hang up? I can't tell if I hung up I can't--I can't tell. This--

Martin!

What? Just me and them?

Oh, no, that ain't gonna happen

It's gonna be me, them, and you

No, no, no

No, no, there's no way Tyler's going all the way up there

Tyler? / That's my getting-out-of- going-to-your-parent's-house name

Why do you need me anyway?

I thought you were going with Karen?

No, she's just dropping me off on her way up to Canyon Ranch

She's getting two things removed and one thing added on

I didn't ask for details

Hey, Tyler. Hey, Patrice

Hey, Jack how would you like to--

Uh, no, I'm not going to your dad's birthday party

You should know by now, I listen to your answering machine

Besides... I've been busy developing my new show at Out TV

It's very hush-hush, very secret, very Wisteria Lane

And yet, I found the time to do a big fat favor for my big fat friend!

I've set you up on a blind date with one of the hottest guys in the city

Well, I guess that means two of the hottest guys in the city will be sitting at one table

No

Okay, I'll do it It's only because it gives me

an actual excuse not to go to your father's birthday party

Every time I go up there, I just end up being the butt of his jokes for the entire visit

You know, Grace, I just realized I've never met your father

In my mind, I've cast him as Judd Hirsch

America's favorite cranky Jew

He hasn't noticed anything I've done since I was 12-years-old,

let the door open and the cat got out

Tells the story over and over It's not even funny

Well, if you're still looking for it-- Meow

Well, Grace, was it a long drive? I mean, did you have to pee a lot?

Did she have to pee a lot?

I had to pull over three times 'cause her majesty here

is too good for a Big Gulp cup

I'm sorry if I was self-conscious with you shouting "fill it up and win a prize."

Well, I was just afraid of missing you before I had to go to Utica

Mmm! You like my hair? It's reversible. Whoo

Wait, what-- Wait, you're leaving?

I can't help that, dear. You know, Edith Cratz, she sprained her knee

because she was running away from that robot vacuum cleaner

Yes, so, well, I'm replacing her in Les Mis

Oh, it's gonna be a fabulous production

We have a cast of six

Wait, so you're leaving me alone with Dad?

What--what am I supposed to do with him?

Ma, this is worse than the time that you told me that you were gonna take me out for ice cream,

and you ended up dropping me off at camp!

Well did they, or did they not have ice cream there?

Martin, your daughter's here!

I hope it's the good one

Well, I guess this one will do But we better close the doors

We don't want the cat running off again, right Gracie?

Hi, Daddy Daddy, you remember Karen?

How could I forget Karen? She arm-wrestled me for beers,

and then stole my heart medication

That was a good buzz

I talked to Jesus

Well, I've gotta run

Oh, Martin, have a wonderful birthday

And I'm giving you a present You won't hear from me for two days

And it fits me perfectly I love it

Bye, dear. Bye-bye

So?

So

It's funny 'cause it's awkward

So how's work? They--they like you there?

- Uh, Dad, it's just me and Karen - Ah

And the answer is no

Well, I'm gonna go grab a sandwich And, uh, keep the door closed

because I haven't read the paper yet

And I don't want it to run off like the cat

Oh, he's starting in on the jokes already. Ugh

Honey, if you don't like your relationship with your father

you should try and change it

Spend some time with him Talk to him

Maybe you're right

Maybe I'll use this weekend to show him

that I'm more than a punch line or just someone who leaves the door open

Hey, front door's wide open I figured Grace must be here

- Hi, Mr. Wolfe - Gimme a huggie

- Okay - Oh, where's pop?

- He's in th-- - And how you doin', darlin'?

Burt Wolfe, semi-retired

Karen Walker. Semi-hard

"Burt Wolfe, Dry Cleaner." Oh, my God, honey

Have you ever heard anything sexier?

Hi. I'm Will You must be my blind date

Hi, I'm Desmond You must be my sighted date

Oh, so you're actually--

Oh, I hope you're not going to say wearing the same outfit as you

I guess Jack didn't tell you I was blind

Look, this has happened before So if you're, uh, having second thoughts

Oh, no, no. I just wish I'd known

I wouldn't have spent so much time trying to pick out the right shirt

That wasn't offensive, was it?

No, only racial stuff offends me I am black, right?

Please, sit

Um, anyway, why would I want to end the date?

You're cute

And, uh, when you get right down to it, that's all that really matters anyway

Do you mind if I, uh, see what you look like?

Oh, sure. Feel away

I don't usually say that in the first five minutes of a date

Huh. Oh

Hmm

Oh. Jack did not mention that

Did you not like what you felt?

You don't think I'm good looking?

No, no, no, no

Just-- It's just annoying is what it is

What?

That because I'm the blind guy, I get stuck with the dogs

Excuse me!

I am not a dog. Feel again

You know, I'm getting a hell of a headache Let's just get out of here

Hey, it's fine with me if we never see each other again

I mean, not see, but that's--

This is ridiculous I am classically handsome

In fact, in fact, I'm better looking than you

I am better looking than anyone in this restaurant

Uh-huh. Yeah, right

Would someone please tell this man how good looking I am?

Did you hear me, or is everybody deaf?!

Will Truman! You've been Pink'd!

- "Pinked"? - Yes! Pink'd!

Out TV's non-derivative version of Punk'd!

You're starring in it!

- This was all a practical joke? - Yes, at your expense!

Jack, saw the whole thing on the monitor, great show

And you, come here

You are one cocky, embarrassing star!

I can't remember when I had such a good night's sleep

Do you know that I slept better in a foxhole in Korea under two feet of water

than I do sleeping next to your mother?

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Anyway, happy birthday, Dad

I thought that I would make us breakfast

No! I don't want breakfast from a woman

who thinks that French toast is made by dumping syrup into a bag of bread

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Oh, um, I thought, uh, we could hang out and talk

Why? What's wrong? You need money?

No, but I'm here

Shouldn't we spend a little time together?

Maybe we can catch up?

I mean there's a lot of things that I haven't told you about

what's going on in my life right now

Maybe we could go for a walk Talk a little bit

- Maybe afterwards, go see a movie - Oh, a movie

I haven't been to a movie since The Sting

When they do a better one than that, call me

Hey, good morning, everybody

Look who tagged along for my morning power walk

Talk about your "coinkidinks."

I was taking the girls out for a run in their jogging bra

And guess who happened by?

Say, Burt, some of my wife's hair coloring came out on the sofa

You wanna take a look?

Sure, but I might have to get some industrial solvent

I hate when your father does that This is Burt's one day off!

What can you possibly see in Mr. Wolfe? He's creepy and weird

Honey, how can you say that?

And after all the lovely things that he's said about you

while he was watching you through binoculars from his home office

Aw, he did?

So, honey, how's everything going with your dad?

Has he stopped seeing you as a big joke?

'Cause when you figure out how he does it, tell me

No, I haven't. I try to change things

I asked him if he wanted to spend the day with me

but, uh, he'd rather play golf

Well, honey, you should go with him

That's where he feels comfortable

And men let their guard down when they feel comfortable

Huh? Take Burt for instance

Just this morning, he told me the combination to his safe

As we lay on the fold-out watching you get dressed

Aw

This is where Charlie Heinz missed the putt

lost the whole club championship

We all thought he choked Turns out he had a mini-stroke

Now he can only say the word "chair"

You know, I don't think I ever told you

I did a redesign on a country club in West Chester

New York Magazine, actually, they did a piece on it

Yeah. I remember--

I remember when you had a lemonade stand and you spilled lemonade all over the place

Heh-heh...

Yeah, similar story

Oh, yeah, and this is where Arnie Regal-- lost complete use of his right side

Hey, where'd you go?

Ah. You missed a great wrap party at White Castle last night

Whoo, it was off the hook!

Jamie let us get one big thing, and one little thing

Well, I'm glad everybody had a good time

Uh-oh. Are you mad?

You're mad, your mood mole is getting darker

Well, it should be a light blue, because I'm fine

Although, if it ever turns a light blue, it's probably time for a biopsy

All right, well, I can't believe I was worried you were gonna get upset

Oh, why would I be? It was funny

My blind date was actually blind

- I did not see that coming - Ha ha! You looked pretty foolish!

I felt pretty foolish

Now I just need you to sign this release so we can air the episode

Yeah, I don't think so

Well, if you don't sign it, we can't put it on

Yeah, I get that

You are ruining me!

So, we're on the fourth hole, I tell her just relax and swing through

This one, dammed if she doesn't take her shirt off

Well, you said "tee off"

- Are you sure you're all right? - Dad, what do you think?

I flew out of the cart, and all you did was laugh about it

Now, be reasonable

The only reason I laughed, was because it was very, very funny

Grace, what happened?

You know the water hazard off the eighth fairway?

Well, I've driven many a ball into it, but never a daughter

You didn't happen to see a Titleist 4 down there, did you?

Titlest 4. I don't know what that is

You know the beauty of it is, if I hadn't sliced, I would've knocked her right into the green!

Dad, stop it!

Sweetheart, it's just a joke

I'm not a joke. I'm your daughter

But the only time you ever show any interest in me at all

is when something embarrassing happens

that you could spin into some sort of funny joke to tell your friends

- Oh, sweetheart-- - Dad, no

No, I'm going Happy birthday, Dad

Here's your ball

Here's the thing I just got back from Out TV

and I'm in real trouble unless you agree to be on the show

Look, I wish I could help you But I can't

You--your stupid trick really hurt me, Jack

Because it spoke to all of my insecurities about my looks

What?! Don't you get it?

The only reason that was funny is because everyone thinks you're handsome

Even you? / Come on, Will, you know how I feel about you

So will you sign the release?

No. And, no, I do know how you feel about me

You're always talking about my thinning hair or my spreading thighs

When have I ever done that?

You changed my name on the mailbox downstairs to Baldy McLegdough!

Will, I only do that because I'm the one who's insecure about my looks

Now, please, will you help me out?

No! What do you think-- You're just saying that so I'll sign your stupid release

No, I'm not

Look, I know that to you and the rest of the world

I come off as beautiful Almost godlike

Okay...

But trust me. It's just an act

For instance, it pains me to show you this...

but I'm ashamed of my ankles

The hair has rubbed off in this area because of sock chafing

Ankle hair?

You make me humiliate myself in front of the entire restaurant

and you give me ankle hair?

If you want me to sign this release you're gonna have to do a lot better than that

All right! I'm gonna show you something

But you have to promise it stays in this room forever. You promise?

Oh, my God Is that a girdle?

No. It is a man-girdle

I got it in the man's section at Victoria's Secret

Why would you wear something like that?

You don't know the pressure to be thin at a gay network, Will

There's a purging station in every bathroom

Now, will you sign it?

After that, how could I not?

Jack, there is one thing I should tell you

What's that?

Jack McFarland, you have been Pink'd!

What? Oh, my God!

Will? Genius. Even better than you at the restaurant

Damn you, Will Truman!

Well, I will not sign the release. A-ha!

All right, if you won't sign the release

will you sign this waiver for unlimited use in perpetuity around the universe?

Oh, I'd be delighted

Hello, girls

Marty, I know why you're here

I live here

So, hey, when Burt wakes up from his nap

please tell him that I have a dry cleaner back home

who has a couple of Korean kids working for him

I can't just give that up

Grace, I don't understand All of a sudden, you hate my funny stories

I don't hate them, Dad

They'd be fine if every once in a while between the cat and the cart

we had a real conversation

I wanna talk to you about my life My work. My divorce. I mean--

- Do you care about any of that? - Yes, I do. Of course, I do

Well then, talk to me without making a joke

Okay, let's sit down and have a conversation

Really, you think you can do that?

Uh... I can try

So, you ever talk to Leo?

Actually, I haven't. But...

from what I understand, he's still out of the country

Yeah, well, that was the problem, wasn't it? He was never around

And how's Will?

He's fine

Look, I give up. Do we laugh? Do we not laugh? What?

You can laugh

Listen. You gotta help me here I love you, but I'm an old guy

And I'm gonna try to change, but don't expect miracles

I won't. Just, thanks for trying

For the record, I was not gonna make this another one of my jokes

You know what? You can have it

Happy birthday, Dad

Thanks, because I was gonna tell people anyway

I can't believe you did this to me!

How did you know I was gonna make a fool of myself?

Just a hunch

Don't feel bad, Jack

Truth is, I played this joke because...

really I'm the one who's insecure

You are?

No. It's you