Original subtitles

Ew. Since when did they start making orange-flavored Cheerios?

Since you poured your juice in the bowl

Hey. Our Alumni newsletter came today

It's always fun to see what people've been up to

Oh, hey, Will... Look at this picture of Amy Scott on the Great Wall of China

That's two things you can see from space

Yes, she's big-boned

Yes, it looks like this two-thousand year old wall is crumbling beneath her

But, do we really have to insult everyone whenever this thing comes out?

Hey, if I'm donating 10 bucks to the school, I'm gettin' something for it

I just think that kind of pettiness is a waste of energy

Why measure ourselves against other people's successes and failures?

That's crazy!

How else are we gonna figure out if we're better than someone?

Jack, just let it go, or else he'll start going on about his new therapist

Anyways, that's what my new therapist says

You know that New York Magazine named her one of the Top 75 therapists in the city?

And if you don't count Jews, Top 2

She wrote this book on seasonal affective disorder. It's amazing

Yeah. I've been meaning to read that

Maybe in the summer when each day isn't like looking into a black abyss

Call me old-fashioned, but I think therapy is a load of hooey

Give me six carefully placed leeches anyday

You know, Grace, you should try Dr. Keller

She is tough, but good Here's her card

I'm the one that wrote "tough, but good"

Why not. Maybe there will be a real loser in the waiting room

who will make me feel better about myself

What time's your appointment?

I just had the most horrible experience

This dwarf tried to steal my purse

Fortunately, I was able to wrestle him to the ground and get it back

Karen! This isn't your purse! It's a Dora The Explorer lunch box!

You just mugged a little girl

A hungry, frightened little girl

Are you saying I don't know a dwarf mugger

in a plaid skirt and braids when she skips past me?!

I don't know, Karen

This is strikingly similar to last week when you thought that woman stole your fur

and you came home with a seeing-eye-dog around your neck

Yeah, and that fur crapped all over my carpet, too!

Well, just in case, we need to go back to the school

and make sure nobody's missing a lunch box

What? It's egg salad What kid wants that?

��

�� &

�� & ��

�� & �׷�

�� & �׷���

�� & �׷��̽�

�� & �׷��̽�

�� & �׷��̽�

�� & �׷��̽�

�� & �׷��̽�

�� & �׷��̽�

�� & �׷��̽�

7x20 The Blonde Leading the Blind

��ũ ����: �̷̹�(hamsuter@nate.com) �ѱ� ����: �峪��(shin979@nate.com)

��ũ ����: ������(mlitm@nate.com) ���� �׽�Ʈ: �躴��(myiuno@nate.com)

It's just that I-I'm a partner now, and I should have a better stapler

I'm still using the same old Swingline that got me through law school

Now Gary, who isn't even a partner, has this new silver one that doesn't--

Knock it off, Will

The stapler is your penis, and you're worried that Gary's is bigger

Wow, you are tough This is really resonating with me

I've--I've always had an issue comparing myself to other people

Oh, my God. This might have something to do with my brothers

Scoot over a little bit, you're blocking the clock

Oh, sorry

I just remembered this thing that happened in a touch football game

It was Thanksgiving I think I was about 12

Interesting. Would you like to share that?

- I would - Well, you can't

'Cause you crapped around for about 48 minutes talking about a stapler

So we'll get into that next week

In the meantime, I'd like to give you an assignment

An assignment?

Are you using your mind tricks to mold me into an assassin?

What's my code name?

How about Grown Men Acting Cutesy Makes Me Wanna Throw Up?

I was hoping for double-O something. But...

Okay, I'd like you to write a letter to your younger self

apologizing for what you've become

And warning him not to make the same mistakes

- How long does it have to be? - I'm guessing it's gonna be quite long

Should--should it be typed or handwritten?

I don't care I'm not gonna read it

Thank you, Dr. Keller

- How'd it go? - Whew. Intense. Grueling

Like I've never felt so raw, emotionally

- Did you cry? - No, no

I did last week and she made fun of me

- That is awful! - No, no, I deserved it

'Cause I'm not a baby, I'm a man

I don't want to go in there

You may not know this about me, but I really hate talking about myself

Well, it's courageous the way you force yourself

Grace?

It's only 50 minutes and I'll be right out here doing my homework

Ugh! There's homework? I'll just copy yours

Karen, are you in here?

Ollie, Ollie, OxyContin

Rosie!

I thought you were one of those alligators that come up from the sewer

I'm supposed to be cleaning, but this tub is softer than my bed

Rosie, I'm worried about Karen I think she might need glasses

Of course she does, but she won't admit it

Well, why haven't you said anything?

Eh, I'm not that invested

Well, I'm gonna get her to admit it

Why does the weight of the world always fall on my shoulders?

Good thing I did my shrugs today

Rosie, this place is spotless

Whatever you've been doing, why don't you do it to the tops of your hands?

Great. I've been cleaning all morning

Oh, Rosie. As a reward for all of your hard work

I made you a nice big turkey sandwich

It's hanging from a string off the balcony If you can get it, it's yours. Go on

Great. I put a tarantula in the liquor cabinet If you can find it, it's yours

Jackie, you're here just in time to help me feed my fish

Fish tanks

People say they're relaxing, but I've never really found them to be...

Hey

Oh, sorry! Hey, Kare, can I ask you something? / Sure

Well, you know how I assert my individuality

by wearing a gently satirical button every day?

Of course! Who could forget your "God is coming and she is pissed button"?

God is a woman... It's funny 'cause it's blasphemous

- So, do you like this one? - Oh, yes, honey, I love it

- You didn't even read it - I did too

Then what's it say?

Honey, I don't need to tell you We both know what it says

Yeah, but I want you to read it

Why don't I read it later, honey?

You know I always like to curl up in bed with a good button

Read it ! / No Read it ! / No

Read it ! / No Read it !

"A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle"?

No! I only wear that during Women's History Month

This one says, "A man's gotta believe in something

I believe I'll have another beer."

Eh, the ladies like it

Jackie, why are you acting so crazy?

Because you're blind as a bat, Karen You need glasses!

My vision is perfect. How dare you!

Okay. A letter warning me not to make the same mistakes I've made...

"Dear Young Will

When you're 19

your sleazy, perv of an English professor

is going to offer you an A in exchange for sexual favors

Go for it."

'Scuse me? Do you have the time?

Yeah, it's a quarter after... Oh, my God

She's been in there, like an hour and a half

Yeah, I know. It's going into my session

I need to tell somebody about that

Otherwise, I'll start another fire tonight

Oh, that sounds cozy

Oh, you mean-- Oh

God! Poor Grace She's gotta be a mess

Oh, Georgia! That was so fun I can't believe how quick the time went

I had a great time too You are a doll

I'm getting a jump on my letter

Ugh, you're still here

Oh, let's go, Nester. If you're good, I'll let you burn last month's magazines

So, it went well?

Oh, Georgia's great

Uh, she gave me an assignment

My younger self has to buy me a spa treatment as a gift for being so adorable

I'm adorable! Why is Georgia making me write a stupid letter?

Oh, I think she wants you to call her Dr. Keller

Well, I don't know what to tell you

I guess she likes me We're gonna have lunch tomorrow

What?! She told me if I ever see her in a restaurant, that I'm supposed to leave

Well, if you really must know she wants to study me

She thinks I'm interesting

You're not interesting! We passed, like, 20 of you on the way here

If I'm not interesting, then why am I gonna be a case study in her next book?

- What are you even a case study for? - Who cares? I'm in a book

Grace A. Adorable New York Neurotic

Well, I think this is a bad idea

Well, you're just saying that because you're not interesting enough to be a case study

Will T. Bitter New York Homo

- I'm interesting - You're not in a book

Oh, who cares? How embarrassing

I feel sorry for you, selling yourself out for a little attention. So sad

It's killing you, isn't it?

I'm gonna get in that book, or this city is gonna burn

See, Karen, that exam wasn't as bad as you thought

And it was quick too

'Cause your pupils are already dilated

I guess so, but, you know, that doctor wasn't as thorough as I had expected

He almost forgot to do my breast examination

With the rising cost of insurance these days

doctors don't touch you inappropriately unless you demand it

Oh, Jackie, you're a good friend Thank you for making me come here

Even if I did have to be in the same room with of all these hideous freaks

Oh, she didn't mean all of you, no

no. But, I mean, if I, like, had to guess, probably, you know, like you and you

Excuse me, sir, can you turn around?

Yes, definitely you, heh

Well, your glasses are ready, Mrs. Walker

And I'm sorry I had to put in so many eye drops

but your eyes had absolutely no moisture in them

I actually had to blow dust off them

Rosie uses Pledge on a paper towel while I sleep

Well, why don't you try these on and see if they fit

because I really don't care to spend any more time with you

I can see! I can see! Oh, there you are

Yay, you can see!

Oh, and I'm tasting blood

So, is this what the world looks like?

Everything is so crisp and clear and beautiful

Oh, except for you

And you

Oh, you gotta get this guy to turn around, Karen

Oh, yeah, honey, definitely you

Seeing is a very powerful thing You have to be very careful exactly--

AAH! Oh, my God! I'm a monster! Damn you, Doctor!

Damn you and your evil, futuristic vision glasses!

You know they've had glasses since the 16th century

Yeah, um, she didn't like wearing them then either

Hi, is this the Alumni Association?

This is Grace Adler. I just wanted to give you a heads-up. I'm gonna be in a book

It doesn't matter what kind of book

Just please put in, "Grace Adler will be starring in a book."

- Hey - Hi. How was your session?

Oh, it was good. Yeah

- Yeah, Georgia and I had a great time - You mean Dr. Keller

No, no, Georgia Guess who's in the book?

What? How did you get in the book?

Well, I just dug deep. Like... I talked about the real issues of my life...

my fears, my childhood, my last relationship. And then

just to nail it, I-- When I talked about my mother, I-I developed a facial tick

This is so unfair! The book is my thing! I had it first

- Yeah, well, she was my therapist first - You didn't even read her last book

Well, I'll read this one 'Cause I'm in it

Well, if you're gonna be in it I don't wanna be in it

- Good, don't be in it - You don't be in it!

She's obviously more interested in me

- Oh, really? Do you fake mental illness? - I don't have to!

This crazy is all real!

You know what? I'm going to Georgia and I'm gonna tell her I will not stand for this

What's she gonna to do? Kick me out of the book? / Maybe

I'm going with you!

Oh, Karen. Gosh, I felt so bad the way we left things

I rushed right over after seeing Vin Diesel in The Pacifier

I'm not gonna lie to you, Jackie

I am flattered that you raced to my side

But I still can't forgive you for making me try those devil goggles on

But why? Karen a lot of people wear glasses

Charles Nelson Reilly...

Larry King...

Jessica Tandy...

You know, right up near the end there

Honey, that's my point I'm getting old

You know, when I saw myself in that mirror today all I could think was,

I should be wearing a boa and Wayland Flowers should have his hand up my ass

Well, there's nothing you can do about it now

Karen, all straight people age

Honey, sometimes I wish I was one of the little fishies

They never get old They never die

They just swim around and around in that tank for six months

and then miraculously turn into a completely different kind of fish

Karen, I'm not gonna have this argument with you again. You will never be a fish!

Isn't it enough you drink like one?

No! Now leave me alone, you vague, formless shape!

All right, fine. But you should know, there's no shame in getting old

There's only shame in getting ugly

But that's never gonna happen to you

All right? So here

I'm gonna leave these here

and you put them on when you're ready to join the real world

And I mean "The Real World: Hawaii" with the funny drunk girl

Not "The Real World: Seattle", where the girl with the Lyme Disease got slapped

You look stunning in those glasses, lady

I do? You really think so, Rosie?

I do. You look like the lovely and talented Tina Fey

Wow. Well, if there's a compliment higher than that, I don't know what it is

You know what else, my sweet, sweet Rosie?

What, Mommy?

Now that I have these glasses on...

I can see the layer of filth that's covering every surface in this bathroom,including you!

So get your two friends, chamois and 409, and get to work!

Enjoy those glasses, lady,

because they're gonna be blended in your margarita tonight

No salt on the rim

I'm sure sooner or later, somebody's gonna do a case study

about handsome gay men and the women that bug the hell out of them

Well, you're already in a book

It's called, People Who Push Their Way Into Other People's Books

'Cause They're Too Lame To Get Their Own Book

Yeah, I'm sure that's the working title

Hey, what's going on out here? I'm in session

Look, here's the deal. Only one of us can be in your book & I really think it should be me

And I think it should be me I am way crazier than him

I almost cut all my hair off today

Oh, please, she would never cut off her hair It's half her personality

Reminds me of my mother

Fake! That's fake!

Enough. Come on in

I thought you were in session

I lied, I was having a scotch and a cigarette before my next client

Do you mind if I bum a smoke?

- You don't smoke - Yes, I do

I have an oral fixation because I was not breast-fed enough as a child

I have the same thing I got it from my mother

That's my twitch She stole my twitch!

I steal too. I'm really messed up

Look, do you two really think that this fight is just about being in the book?

- Oh, you mean what's underneath the book? - Ugh, here we go

Please, we went over it a million times

Our codependent relationship is toxic & will never grow until we spend more time apart

By clinging to each other, we're not emotionally available to anyone else

- blah, blah, dysfunction-- - Blah, blah, blah, psychologically crippled

We've been over it so many times We've got it on coasters

Sorry, dumb asses

This is just about being in the book

Your relationship is fine

- It is? - We're not toxic?

Ugh. I'm gonna tell you what I told Mary-Kate and Ashley O

Together, you two pretty much balance each other out

Apart, you're just a couple of skinny little bag ladies with big sunglasses

Did you hear that? Our relationship is perfectly healthy

More importantly, she said we were skinny like the O. twins