Original subtitles

Okay, okay, I got one. I got one

Would you rather smell Will's armpit at 6:00 PM or his breath at 6:00 AM?

That's so hard...

Has he been to the gym? What did he eat the night before?

Hour on the treadmill. Indian food

Ugh. How do I pick? They're both gonna smell of curry

Okay, I asked you an hour ago, please play this game at your office!

Come on, Karen. We have to go over your household finances

All right! What'd I do wrong now?

You are spending way too much

As your lawyer, I gotta warn you, it's not gonna last forever

- When will it run out? - In three or...

four hundred years.

But still, you can cut down Now that Stan's gone,

do you really need Pastry Chef, or Mustard Spreader... or Pants Hoister?

Well... I guess I could get rid of Pastry Chef

He makes these wierd brownies that don't make me paranoid

- Hello - Hey. You

Everybody, Nick is taking me to Union Square Cafe

So the Nick's taking you out for a fancy meal

Hey, corn beef and cabbage

Where'd you come up with the scratch? Oh, don't tell me

You're dad's a cop and he's on the take

Let's just say I had a very good month

He hit the jackpot

One of Nick's greeting cards just went mug

It's kind of an industry term

What it means is that one of the cards I wrote is being put on a mug

I probably didn't need to explain that, did I?

No, Nick, that's so cool!

- You really think so? - No. What am I supposed to say?

So, what'd you think?!

- About what? - Our new show just premiered on OutTV!

You watched it right?

Sure!/ Yeah!/ You bet!

Okay, good

What was your favorite part?

The locker room/ The shower scene/ The orgasm in the deli

Okay, well, if I'm gonna check with everybody in the city, I better get going!

So--so Jack works for a network?

You know, I've got a script that I've been working on

You think there's any way, maybe, you could pass it along to him?

I mean, you know, only if you like it, of course

- You want me to read it? - Yeah, if you would

Oh, my God! I would love to! I'm just so flattered you'd ask

God, keep your pants on He didn't propose

You know, this-- this could be so great

I've always wanted to write something that people didn't throw away fast,

just to get to the present, you know?

Hey, don't be so down on yourself Some of those cards are really cool

- You think so? - No, but I got nothing to say to this guy

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7x18 The Fabulous Baker Boy

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Oh, hey, Rosie, I need to have a word with Pastry Chef

After the commercial I'm watching my telenovela

That's an interesting set. There's a crucifix behind every piece of furniture

Okay, the twist in this story is both the mother and the daughter are whores

Can I help you?

Dear God, tell me you're not Pastry Chef

Yeah, I'm Edward

Forgive the appearance. I don't like to be constrained by clothing while I bake

If the health department would let me, I'd bake in the nude

Maybe you should send the health department a picture

They might make an exception.

Uh, ahem! I'm--I'm Will Truman, Karen Walker's attorney

- There's no easy way to say this-- - Taste this

That is the perfect combination of sugar, lemon zest and finger

- So what can I do for you? - Well, I, uh, came here to, um--

Do you even like your job?

Yeah, I love my job. I mean, it's my life And without it, I'd be deported

Somebody works out, huh?

I thought lawyers were supposed to pass the bar, not lift it

I'm dirty, and I don't even care

God, it smells so good in here!

I've only been here five minutes, and already I could eat everything in sight

See, for me, the joy isn't in the eating It's in the making. Here...

That's it Now put your body into it

You're very good at this Have you ever kneaded something before?

Never more than right now!

Uh, Jack, there's a Grace Adler here to see you

Thank you, Elizabeth Just show her in, please

Uh, you know my name's Dave, right?

Listen, it's bad enough I'm the only one here with a straight assistant

Do not make me call you that ridiculous name!

- Yeah, but-- - That will be all, Elizabeth!

I-- I am impressed!

Out TV is real

I mean, all those people you said you work with, I can see them too

I know, isn't it great, Grace? And look-- check out this phone

I have full access to lines one and two, whenever they're not in use

All I have to do is fill out a form, submit it for approval,

and within 24 hours I may or may not be talking to someone

Wow. You know, I can sort of do the same thing on my cell phone

But you don't have the forms

So what can I do for you, Grace? What's the news on the Rialto?

Um...I'm here about Nick

Uh, he wants to break into TV writing

And so he gave me this script to pass along to you. Will you read it?

Of course I will, dear Is it any good?

Oh, is it any good? It's--it's touching, heartwarming, and I know that this is a cliche

but it--it made me wanna be a better person

- You didn't read it, did you? - No, but I told him I did

What if I read it and I don't like it?

I mean, it could ruin my entire relationship And it's not like that didn't happen before

- When I was in college, I dated-- - A homo?

No!

A guy in a rock band

And I went to see him, and it turned out he was--

- A homo? - No!

He was terrible

And it was a big turnoff, and I dumped him,

and I don't wanna do the same thing to Nick. So please read it

Sure thing. But, Grace... Where's that guy from the rock band now?

- I don't know - Grace... Where is he?

He's a chorus boy on the Queen Mary II

- William, I need to speak with you! - Hey, Karen

So... I get a hankering to go out to Fortunoff's in Manhasset to buy colorful plastic plates

But when I get out to the helipad to take the chopper, what do I discover?

Helicopter Pilot has been fired

Okay, I thought it was okay to fire Helicopter Pilot

seeing as--as you don't own a helicopter

- You said you were gonna fire Pastry Chef! - Yes, about that, I gave it some thought,

and as your lawyer, I believe that in these uncertain times,

having a pastry chef on permanent staff just makes solid economic sense

What? There is something going on here

I smell liquor on my breath You're drunk!

No, Karen, I just-- I met him, and I watched him work

The man is a genius. He's--he's an artist I mean, would you fire Picasso?

I would, and I did! He put both breasts on one side of my body

I wouldn't take it from Plastic Surgeon, and I wouldn't take it from him!

Karen, I strongly recommend that you keep this man on staff,

and that you give him the weekend off in case someone wants to take him to Montauk

Wait a second. I think I see what's going on here

You are looking out for my best interest Thank you!

Ah, you're welcome. Oh, and on a completely different topic,

could I borrow your place in Montauk this weekend?

Well, sure, honey take the chopper

So, we are here to talk about your script This is the moment of truth

- Did you like it? - I wrote it

Of course you did! We have to ask. Legal reasons

What about you, Jack? Did you like it?

I liked some parts

Some parts were just okay

Some parts were a little tricky

What specifically?

Okay, well, I really, um... I liked the character of, um... Fidet Oot

That says "Fade Out"

- You didn't read it, did you, Jack? - I'm sorry. "Kevin Hill" was on

Me digs, Taye Diggs

And you're supposed to be a professional Well, thank you for wasting my time

Well, I'm sorry! Don't get mad at me Grace didn't read it either

I mean, she did read it either Elizabeth! Elizabeth!

Damn it, both lines are busy!

- Hey, how was the meeting? - It was awful

He didn't even read my script!

And then he pretended he did Can you believe that?

No

I mean, what kind of person would do something like that?

Jack

Let's go to dinner. Come on

W-w-wait, Grace. I mean, you read my script, right?

Who's your favorite character?

My favorite character is you

No, no, no, no. I really wanna know Who was it?

Jack told me you didn't read the script, Grace

I am so sorry

It was just that I-- I was scared that I might think it was bad

And that it would hurt our relationship, and I like you too much to risk that

So, actually, if you think about it, the reason I had for not reading it was actually romantic

No, it's not It's incredibly insulting

Wait, you can't leave

I don't know if I can get out of this skirt by myself

Why is Nick so mad at me? I don't deserve this

I'm a good person I give and I give and I give

- That's mine - Learn from me. Try giving a little!

Hello, Grace. I had my meeting with Nick You're welcome

What is wrong with you?

You told him I didn't read the script?!

He told you?!

I can't believe that you sold me out! Why didn't you just read it, fool?!

All right, here's the thing

I was worried that if I didn't like it, it would hurt my relationship with Nick

That's my reason!

Great! Now he's mad at both of us! What are we gonna do?!

Wow, that's a toughie

Somebody's mad at you for not reading a script

If only there were a way to scan the letters on the page

and somehow relay the information to your brain

Uh, there is It's called Braille

Grace, read the script

I know I should, but I'm just-- I'm so worried that I'm not gonna like it

It's so heavy It's about euthanasia

Oh, really? That's a fascinating issue

I've given it some thought, and I think I'd wanna be kept alive,

even if it was on machines

Yeah, not gonna happen

These are so good Where'd you get these?

Karen's pastry chef. I was supposed to give him the sack

Instead, that's where we ended up

I don't know that I approve, Will, unless he's hot

Hot? Are you kidding me? He doesn't even have to put the cookies in the oven

He just walks by them and winks

Wow, so this is your bedroom, huh? Heh, if these walls could talk

I guess to you, they do

Listen, Karen, there's something I have to tell you

I wasn't completely honest about why I couldn't fire Pastry Chef

Oh, honey, never mind That's okay

You know, after you talked him up so much, I went down the kitchen, and you're right

He is very, very talented

- Oh, yeah? You think so? - Oh, I absolutely do

- What is that? - What? Where?

Please tell me a schoolteacher helped you over a fence

Oh, my tart's ready. Karen, it was great sexing you just now

And, Will, I look forward to sexing you this weekend

Nick! I read your script

I read your script, and guess what?!

- You liked it? - I hated it!

But I still like you Isn't that great?

No, no, not really. Great would be you like the script and you like me

Oh, yeah, I couldn't make that work

But this is-- this is good This is really good

I like you so much that I can separate you from what you do. This is growth

That is good. So maybe, you know, maybe you'll like the next one

Ay, there's gonna be another one?

Hi, Nick. I don't have much time I didn't fill out a form to be away from the office

I read your script, and I loved it! I gave it to my boss, and guess what?

We're gonna do it!

It's gonna be a movie of the week. An M.O.W., or on our network, an H.O.M.O.W

- That's incredible - I told you

And you don't have to change a thing Well, except Susan is now Steve,

and the hospital is now a gym, and euthanasia is now youth-in-Speedos

What the hell is going on here? How could you have sex with her? You're gay!

Ah, I don't believe in gay or straight

I refuse to limit pleasure I like to think of myself as pansexual

Oh, my God, he's been humping my pans

"Pansexual"? Isn't that just a rest stop on the highway to homo?

Open your mind Sexuality is elastic

Look, we're all here We're all human. We're all sex

Now, I've been with both of you, and it was fantastic

- Thank you - Oh, that's very nice

So can you imagine how much better it would be if we were all...together?

Oh, no, no, no, no! No, no

If I had to have sex with a woman, it would be Hilary Swank. Or Tobey Maguire

Honey, I would love to have sex with two men

But one man and Will, no

Will, I'm disappointed. I thought me and you had something together

You still want to go to Montauk, don't you?

Yes

Then kiss her But first, to set the mood,

I'm gonna put on the most seductive, romantic song known to man

Styx, Grand Illusion

Welcome to the Grand Illusion Come on in and see what's happening--

Hey, Eddie. You're late

You said you'd sex me during "Tic-Tac-Dough."

Be right there, senorita

Uh, okay, now I am so firing his ass!

- Hey - Hey

I was just about to call you

In honor of your movie of the week, I'm gonna perform my move of the week

But first, you are gonna take me out to dinner

Well, I've got something to tell you

I just came from a meeting at Out TV,

and they want me to be there when they shoot the movie

- Great - It's in Vancouver

Jack told me that it was in New Jersey

Yeah, seems a lot of the guys over there didn't know where Vancouver was

Well, when do you have to leave?

Couple of days. And I'm gonna be gone for, like, three months

- I hate the idea of leaving you - No, you gotta do this

You got-- You've gotta go

I'm gonna miss you, though

I am too. Which is really weird, 'cause we barely know each other

- Yeah, I know - Why am I so sad?

I am too Even Jack feels bad

He gave me these forms to fill out so we can talk on the phone

So, uh, what are we gonna do? Do you wanna keep this--

Yeah. I'd like to

Right, now this is, I mean,

this is just like the good-bye scene at the hospital between Susan and Mike

Or actually, now I guess it's the dance number at the leather bar between Julio and Evan

Hey, wait a second. Aren't we supposed to be going to dinner?

Oh, right, you don't leave for three days!

"And in conclusion,

I look forward to working with you

Yours truly, Jack McFarland."

Elizabeth, read that back, please

Okay. "And in conclusion, I look forward to working with you. Yours truly, Jack McFarland."

Good. If I ever have to write a letter, that's how I want it to end