Original subtitles

I thought you were taking a nap?

Well, I heard you cleaning You know I can't sleep

when other people are having fun

What's going on?

Remember that guy from Valentine's Day, Nick?

He's on his way over to pick up the phone that he left at my office

Oh, not that cool camera phone with the games we've been using all week?

I think you're gonna like him He's really intelligent

How do you know? You met him for, like, five minutes

- His ring is classical music - Okay, tell you what--

If I don't like him, I'll tap my ear and then my nose

If I do like him, I'll tap my foot, twice

No, that's ridiculous

I'll work the word "volcano" into a sentence

Can't stay for lunch I'm just gonna grab some money

out of your wallet so I can grab a sandwich and a new sweater later

- What's the big rush? - Karen's got a Peeping Tom

So she wants me over there right away

I assume to adjust the lighting or--

smear Vaseline on the windows to make her look lovelier

Never had a Peeping Tom

All I've ever had is some guy in college yelling

"Pull down the blinds, boy!"

Hi

Look, I'm sorry I didn't bring you anything

but I just figured maybe it's best to keep the bar low

Oh, what a coincidence

I was gonna stuff my shirt, and then I realized I should probably keep the bra low

Like I stuff my bra.. Anymore

- This is my friend, Will - Nice to meet you

- Yes - Ooh, that's quite a handshake

It's like a volcano

Uh, this is Jack

Hey, Jack

Hi

How does he know my name?

Did I used to date him?

Yes, just for those few months between "never" and "you're-an-idiot"

Right, right Well, it's good to see you again

and, uh, I'm sorry things didn't work out between us

So I guess this is good-bye

So you wanna-- It's-- Okay, I'll just-- Okay

Here's your phone And I love the classical music ring

Actually, that's the theme from "Jeopardy!"

Which, I believe, is Beethoven

- I'm gonna get back to work - Okay

- We're still on for Saturday night? - Definitely

Thank you

That was some kiss I emptied the dishwasher during it

Oh, my God What is wrong with me?

- Why do I always do that? - What, act like a giant whore?

We haven't even gone on a date and already I'm kissing him like

he just got back from Iraq

Oh, I always do this I move too fast

Sexually, emotionally-- everything

Well, if you really like this guy, why don't you try slowing down?

Get to know him For once, don't think with your penis

You know what? You're right

And you're gonna help me You're coming on my date

- No, I'm not - You're gonna show up at the restaurant

I'll ask you to join us That way it'll stay casual

and I'll go home with you instead of him

Uh, I also have a date on Saturday night

Okay, why do you lie?

- I do have a date! - Will, please

I really like Nick, and I don't wanna screw this up

If I have sex with him, it'll be on your head

Fine, I'll go

God, that image was so disturbing I have to go wash my hair

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7x17 The Birds and the Bees

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La bee dah, bee ba dah...

Where is my Mint Milano?

I don't know, lady Maybe you ate it

No! I would remember

You know that I allow myself one Mint Milano per day

And now, I cannot have another Mint Milano until tomorrow

And yes, I'm sure that my doctor would be very happy

if I could go a day without a Mint Milano

But I say a person's got to enjoy life!

I want my Mint Milano!

What are those crumbs on your jacket?

Mint Milano

Maybe I did eat it

Whenever I get together with my friends and we talk about who works for the craziest bitch

I always win

Karen, I am so sorry about your Peeping Tom

The thought that someone would degrade you

by viewing you simply as a piece of meat disgusts me

You hear that? It disgusts me! Agh!

I know, Jackie I'm at my wits' end

Oh, look at him!

He's still out there, that sick bastard!

Is this what you want? Huh? Huh?!

Is this what you like? Oh, he's relentless!

Jackie, help me out of this skirt

Jackie, there he is Get him!

Hey, ya sick perv bastard!

You get off looking at my friend in her apartment up there? Huh?

It disgusts me!

- No - You hear that? It disgusts me!

I-I wasn't spying

I'm trying to get a look at that Golden-cheeked Warbler

I don't know what he just said to me but I think he wants to hear my butt sing

Dendroica chrysoparia

Extremely rare to find this bird in the northeast

So you have no interest whatsoever in the Boobicus Giganticus of my dear friend here?

I was just looking at the beautiful specimen right outside your window

The male... He's so beautiful

He has a black cap, golden cheeks, and a distinctive stripe through the eye

- What does the female look like? - Who cares?

Oh, my God!

Do you know what we have here? The rarest of all gay subspecies:

The Hot Gay Nerd!

Fascinating

I thought that the Hot Gay Nerd could be found only in the halls of academia

or the bathrooms of the Pentagon

- Honey, you should ask him out - No, no, no

Can't just ask out a Hot Gay Nerd

The HGN is notoriously skittish

They must be approached slowly and from the rear

Will a table by the fire be too warm for you?

Oh, no, no. This is great

So cold outside, I think I froze off my third nipple

I'm kidding I don't have a third nipple

I just have-- I just have two nipples I don't even usually say "nipple"

Or testicle. Like, never

You'll be happy to see neither of those items are on the menu

I can't believe you laughed when I fell on the ice

I did not laugh at you falling

I laughed at the 30 foot slide down the sidewalk that came after

Oh, so you think it's funny to see a grown woman sliding on her ass down

Lexington Avenue with a cocktail dress over her head?

Not as funny as if it was a nun but still pretty funny

And, look, I'm sorry I could not find your other shoe

I just appreciate you prying this one out of the sewer grate

Hi. The fire's toasty

It is perfect for a winter day in New York

Yeah, are you ready to order? 'Cause I'm not really up for chit-chat

I just found out I'm pregnant, and I have a lot of phone calls to make

A baby? Ooh

Wow, you're so young It's-- That's a tough road ahead

Do you have baby back ribs?

Mmm, the appetizers look great I think I'm gonna order three of 'em

- Oh yeah? Instead of an entree? - What?

- What are you doing? - Nothing

- You just stole that menu - No, no, no, it's just that--

In case things work out with us

one day I could give it to you as a memento from our first date

Aww, that is so sweet

Grace?

Is that--

My God, it is you! What-- And hey!

Hi, Will Um, Nick, you remember Will

Sure, sure, the guy I was jealous of before I knew you were gay

- How's it going? - Good

- Yeah, things are good - Things are good

Um... It's so weird, 'cause you know I'm here by myself, right over there

Alone

Oh, well, we won't keep ya

The Golden-cheeked Warbler puffs out his chest

and prepares to bid farewell to the setting sun

The Hot Gay Nerd...

is unaware of his natural beauty

He hides what appears to be a narrow waist and broad shoulders under ill-fitting khaki

And a belt that clearly came with the pants

Jackie!

You've been out here for so long You must be freezing

- Here, I brought ya some soup - Oh

Karen, this is gin

There's noodles in it

Thanks, Kare, but keep it down, all right?

The HGN startles very easily

Just admiring him from a distance

Quit stalling. You've been observing him long enough

- Go ask him out - Okay, okay

I just have to approach him delicately and

pick up on any subtle cues he may give me

Oh, joy!

The male warbler is about to start his mating ritual

This sublime creature entices his potential mate first by puffing out his chest

Then he ruffles his feathers It's his way of flirting

Yes, and then, finally he produces a high-pitched warble

the beauty of which is unparalleled

- What are you doing? - Warbling. You like?

Oh, I'm sorry, I haven't properly introduced myself. I'm Jack

- Aaron - Yes. So you're a bird watcher

I bet you've seen a cockatoo Heh-heh...

So would you like to have dinner with me sometime?

- Oh--oh, uh... - Like maybe this Friday?

Friday?

That's just right after Thursday I-I--gotta sorta--

Oh, Jiminy Cricket!

Karen, he flitted away!

Well, Jackie, he's gay It's not like you people ever walk away

Excuse me, can you bring me another mineral water?

I think this one evaporated

Oh, I'm sorry, Sir. Jackets are required in the dining room

Yeah. Do you have an asbestos one I could borrow?

'Cause I'm about to catch on fire

Don't worry about it. This is an Yves Saint Laurent cashmere turtleneck

so I think my attire will be appropriate

You have six brothers and three sisters?

Well, you know, I am Irish Catholic

And my parents never had a TV in the bedroom, so...

Oh! Your poor mother I cannot imagine that

No TV in the bedroom?

Hi, me again Can I borrow her for a second?

Yeah, sure. Uh, do they have a treadmill over there?

What do you want? You're interrupting my date

Yeah. That was the plan!

- Grace, I cancelled a date for this - Why do you have to lie?

- I'm leaving - No, no, you can't. I still need you

- Okay, then let me join you - No. I don't need you now

It's going well

But it's not going so well that I'm in danger of throwing myself at him

But it's going well enough that I still want to be alone with him

When I'm just at the point where it might be going too well

when I really want to throw myself at him

which is exactly when I don't want to throw myself at him

that's when I'm gonna need you

I hate that I completely understood what you just said

Can't you just wait a few more minutes? You have the best table in the restaurant

Yes, if you enjoy dining on the sun

Look at me, Grace!

My back is sweating so much my underwear is like a bucket!

Please, Will I think I might really like him

Okay

Here's a dry spot

Thank you

I'm timing you. Five minutes

Oh, great, my watch slipped off!

Lady, there are cookie crumbs all over in here

What did I tell you? One a day

I didn't, Rosie, I swear I used 'em to catch a bird

Well, don't expect me to cook it I'm on my break

Uh, okay

I don't know what you people do in Costa-Guata-Mexi-Rico...

But here in America, we don't eat birds

Yeah, but you drink a lot of Wild Turkey

Karen, I got your message

Your curd's from an uptight cow?

Honey, your nerd's on his way up right now

Oh, my God How did you get him to come up here?

- Ta-da! - Oh, my God!

- You caught the bird! - Honey, it was easy

I just gave him some Mint Milanos--

And some brandy to wash 'em down

So what do you think is wrong with your friend over there?

You know what? I think I'm gonna ask him to join us

You know, before you do

I just wanna do this

And this

What? / And I thought my hot flashes were bad

Excuse me, Sir Is everything okay here?

Actually, no

Would it be possible to move to another table and away from this one

which is apparently the portal to Satan's lair?

Sir, you're either going to have to put your clothes back on, or leave

Okay, fine. I'll get dressed

I'm just about to join my friends over there any--

Way

Oh, you gotta be kidding me!

Karen!

I can't believe you killed it How could you give a bird alcohol?

Well, it was a lot harder than you think

At first, I tried to pin it down with an ashtray and

pry open its beak with a pair of ice tongs, but...

ultimately, I just dunked it head-first into my glass

All right, well... Clearly nobody's at fault here

There is a Hot Gay Nerd here to see you

I've never seen one up close before

They're quite spectacular

Oh, my God, it's him! What do we do?

I have an idea! Vamp!

Whore!

No, vamp

Stall him for a little while I'll be right back

Jack! Karen told me that you found the warbler

I am so excited! Which, for me, is dangerous

'cause I was born with my heart on the outside of my chest

But you know what?

You have made me the happiest man alive who was never supposed to live past 17

Aaron, I'm supposed to vamp, but--

One, I don't feel comfortable lying to you and two, I don't have my lipstick or my boa

- You have bad news? - Oh, no, it's not what you think

- Is it that my bird is dead? - Oh, it's exactly what you thought

Oh! God! Why?

This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me

since I saw Big Bird smoking a cigarette with his head off

Honey, great news Your bird isn't dead

He's alive And more beautiful than ever

- Oh, my God. Let me see - You won't be disappointed. Ta-da!

What is this?

It's your bird Don't you recognize it?

It's got 78,000 feathers

And $100 in iTunes

Karen! Shame on you!

The Hot Gay Nerd cannot be bought He is a man of science

Good news

I gave the little fella a couple of sips of coffee a few slaps across the face, and he came to

- He's alive in the kitchen! - Back off, that's not my bird

This is my bird

You are not the rare Hot Gay Nerd

Why you are the very common Hot Gay Opportunist

Are you saying you don't want to go out with me?

Well, you've just shown some very unattractive qualities

But fortunately, you still retain the one that I hold nearest to my heart

Hot

Come on Let's go spend that bird

- How could you leave me like that? - Will, listen--

No. You listen

I was doing you a favor And how was I rewarded?

By being ditched, then burning off my eyelashes

On the roaring fire next to my table? Ironically, no

On the small votive candle in the men's room

while I was wringing out my pants in the sink!

Look, Will, I know that you're mad but you really, really did help me tonight

Oh, please! Don't even try that with m-- How?

You made me realize that I shouldn't need someone else to help me control myself

After dinner, he dropped me off, asked me for another date

we had a kiss of appropriate length, and I came home

- You didn't sleep with him? - I did not

- Or let him feel you up in the cab? - Only because he said I was pretty

I'm only kidding Nothing happened

Well. I'm proud of you

And it's all because of you

- I'm going to bed - Me too

- Good night - Good night

Oh, just one more thing

Hey

It's tough to get a cab out there / Hm

- Say good night to Nick, Grace - Good night. Call me

- I had a really good time - She did too

Don't worry, she'll put out next time