Original subtitles

Wow, look at this place!

Someone either has an admirer or they just won the Kentucky Derby

And Grace's legs are spattered with mud

Who's all this from?

And why are they sending you men's clothes?

Wait, these aren't all from Scott Woolley?

Yeah, my former nemesis is in love with me

It just keeps happening

First Anita Bryant, now this guy

Well, I said the same thing to him I said to Anita:

"Squeeze your own oranges!"

Besides... I met someone

- Really? - You did? / Tell us

Yes, we met online

We've been exchanging messages for a few weeks

and he's funny and charming and...

He says he's fat

Really fat!

I don't know, Karen You gotta be careful

You can't trust people you meet on the Internet

I went on a date with this guy I met online, and he seemed really nice

But at the end of the evening, I stole $200 from his wallet

You know, and people lie all the time, so don't get your hopes up

He's probably not as fat as he says he is

Well...I guess we'll find out soon enough

I invited him out to Shelter Island to our country club's annual Valentine's Day dance

I'll know him because he's going to be wearing a green string around his wrist

Yeah, 'cause you wouldn't want to walk up to the wrong 500 pound man

��

�� &

�� & ��

�� & �׷�

�� & �׷���

�� & �׷��̽�

�� & �׷��̽�

�� & �׷��̽�

�� & �׷��̽�

�� & �׷��̽�

�� & �׷��̽�

�� & �׷��̽�

7x16 Bully Woolley

��ũ ���� �̷̹�(hamsuter@nate.com)

�ѱ� ���� �躴��(myiuno@nate.com)

��ũ ���� ������(ZZsgirl@nate.com)

���� �׽�Ʈ �峪��(shin070@nate.com)

Ohh... I wonder if my date's here yet

Oh, my God

Check out the chunk of a hunk in the black suit with the big, white smile

Oh, I hope that's him

That's a piano

Where the hell are all the queers you promised us, Karen?!

God, even the waiters are straight It's unnatural

Oh, honey

Black, white, gay, straight-- What's the difference?

We all finish ourselves off in the end anyway

That's lovely

I'd almost forgotten it was Valentine's Day

Jack, be patient It could still happen

The next guy you see could turn out to be Mr. Right

Well, well, well...

Or maybe not

- Why, Beverley Leslie - Karen Walker

Just breaks my heart that you don't have a partner for the spotlight dance

How ever will you lead it without a partner?

Such a pity a bottle of rum can't waltz

Actually, I do have a date

Yes, I was just on my way to meet him by the punch bowl

Or, as you would call it, the swimmin' hole

You know, Jack, I think you're right

No one's gay. And everyone's so old

There isn't a neck here you couldn't jump rope with

Oh, my G-dash-D

You'll never guess who's here!

Greg Evigan from TV's "BJ and the Bear," and then, after a brief hiatus, "My Two Dads"?

You know, I never realized just how gay both those titles are

It's a wonder he didn't go on to star in "Hey, Faggot!"

Hey! Hey, hey, hey! Pay attention!

It's that long-limbed lothario Scott Woolley

Look at him over there, fingering my date

Happy Valentine's Day!

Oh, Brad, you said there was a party

It's just a lonely old woman sitting at her desk

Hey, hey, hey! I don't normally sit here

My desk is there

And the party's upstairs

- Where is everybody? - Wrong floor

The stupid party celebrating the meaningless day is upstairs

I take it you're not a big fan of Valentine's Day

I think it is a ridiculous, trumped-up-- exceedingly handsome, chiseled... holiday

Yeah, I agree

It is the most chiseled of all the major holidays

Uh, one flight up Have a good time

You know, for someone who hates Valentine's Day

it seems like you have an awful lot of admirers

Either that, or you're about to die

- Oh, wait... That's only funny - if you're not about to die

Are you about to die? Uh, I don't think so

Unless you're here to kill me

- Wow. We're in an awkward place - Yeah

I'm Nick

I'm Grace

Now, you listen to me, Woolley!

You and me ain't never gonna happen-- Never! Ya hear me?!

Get the hell out of here before my date arrives!

- Oh, oh, you got a date - Yes, I do. A big one

Enormous, actually

Uh, 400 pounds, but moves like 380?

That's right

Loves midnight snacks on the beach, horseback eating, and, uh...

Will be wearing a green string around his wrist?

You're ElevatorHazard at whalewatcher.com?

- I hate to point out the obvious-- - I know--

Why is a pretty girl all by herself on Valentine's Day?

Yeah. No, actually, I was gonna say you can't possibly eat all those chocolates by yourself

Oh! Want one?

Yeah

Not that one. Or that one No, no, no

You know, you just said no to an empty wrapper

Well, there's a little coconut on it

All right, take it

Oh...thanks

You're obviously not in a festive mood

It's just this whole day, it's like an evil conspiracy

Created by the greeting card people and the flower people and the candy people

Well, not the candy people They do...God's work

You know, I, uh, I don't think the card people are that bad, either

Oh, they're the worst

Reducing love...

To a cartoon dog holding a bow and arrow, saying, "I love you."

Well, you see, this is just a bad card

I mean, first of all, he should be saying, "I ruff you."

Right? And why is he holding a bow and arrow if you're not gonna do something with it

Like, um, uh... "You are the target of my love,"

or, "Your love makes me quiver."

Maybe not that one Sounds sexual

A little weird coming from a dog

How about one with a dog on one side and a lying creep on the other,

and inside it says,

"Your husband's got a bitch on the side."

You know, I can bring that up at the morning meeting,

but they tend to frown on calling dogs bitches and vice versa

Wait, you're serious?

You write greeting cards?

Eh, I prefer to think of them as extremely short stories

Okay, I'm gonna try and be careful here about what I say next

'cause I don't want to offend you But your job is lame

Hmm, and, uh, I'm guessing by the rows of fabric and the tassels,

you work for UNICEF?

At least I don't perpetuate the myth that

if you're not in love in the middle of February that there's something wrong with you

Hmm, and the real myth must be that February 14 is the only day you're unpleasant and bitter

Whoa

You know what? Uh, this is over

So why don't you just go up to your party--

- OH! - Ohh! My--

I'm so sorry! Here...

Have a chocolate

Not this one You're not bleeding

Where's the bartender?!

Why, Karen...

It's been an hour, and there's still no sign of your date

What are you implying, Beverley Leslie?

That I lied, that I'm just vamping until I think of my next move?

Just trying to fill time by saying meaningless words--

knickknack, lamp shade, hullabaloo, soft shell crab

Excuse me

My sister wanted me to ask you if you'd be interested in dancing with her--

Lucille, I did not

- She wants to dance with you - I did not! I wanted the cute one!

No, no, he is the catch

He looks just like that young actor from all those magazines

What's his name? Sal Mineo

Thank you. God, I haven't heard that in over 50 years

Well, how can you girls remember Sal Mineo?

Why, neither of you look a day over 40

Eh, made 'em happy Didn't cost anything

You know what? We would love to dance

Oh, why not? We haven't done this in ages

I just hope we don't hold you back

Oh, nonsense, we'll-- we'll take it slow

Five, six, seven, eight!

...Flim-flam, Ed Bradley, nipple clamp, doo-dah parade

Well, I hope your beau shows

because if that spotlight finds you all alone

my business associate Benji and I will be forced to laugh

Roll back and forth on the floor and laugh

and just clutch each other and roll and laugh...

And talk about business...

Listen, Seed of Chucky, why don't you just leave me alone?!

Why don't you make me?

I'll make you

Aah!

If you bother the woman that I love one more time

I'm gonna rip out your tiny arms and give 'em to her on a charm bracelet

Honey, no one's ever offered to dismember a dwarf

and make jewelry out of him for me before

Beverley... meet Scott Woolley

My date

- Your date? - Oh!

Benji! Benji!

He was so big!

Really, Karen? I'm your date?

Oh, yeah, sure. Why not?

Karen, you've made me the happiest man on the face of the earth

Oh, honey...

That's exactly what Anita Bryant said

Ow. Ow. That eye stings

And it tastes a lot like gin

I got it from my assistant's freezer

Huh. Is your assistant Courtney Love?

Not as together

- I am really, really sorry - That's all right

You didn't mean it, did you?

I mean, you're not homicidal, are you?

Because it looks like you've been doing some psychotic gardening

Oh, uh, this isn't psychotic

This is

- Tough year, huh? - Mm-hmm

Well, I can sympathize

I recently lost my wife

Oh, my God. That's just--

I'm so sorry

Yeah, the divorce was just finalized last week

Divorce? I thought she died!

Hey, take it easy There's a music box in that thing

Look, I just-- You know what? I, um, I don't like to say "divorce"

because it sounds like I did something wrong

Whereas if she died, at worst, I'm guilty of negligence

Ooh, dark. I like that

Look, I don't know if it's the ice cubes talking but would it be crazy if...

we kissed right now?

On Valentine's Day?

Can we do that? Isn't that a little cliche?

- Where's the party?! - Upstairs

Maybe that was a sign

That we shouldn't kiss or that you need to get a lock on that door?

Both

Uh...

I should probably get back to, um, you know, UNICEF

Ah. Well, I guess this makes us star-crossed lovers

Oh...

Yeah, it's really tragic

Well, technically it can't be tragic if we haven't kissed

That's true

Do, um, do star-crossed lovers ever get to see one another again?

Hard to say

'Cause, you know, usually one or both of them dies

Well, then, let's make sure we eat well and look both ways before crossing

- because I'd like to see you again - Me, too

Let me help you with the--

- I'll take care of it - Thanks. Okay.

Well, well, well

I see you boys have met the Portillo sisters

They're my favorite members of this club...

who aren't completely Caucasian

Well, they're terrific dancers

The only way I could keep up with them is by pretending both of them were drag queens

Heaven forbid!

As social chair of this club, and board member of the Shelter Island Republican Party

I can assure you two men will never dance together on this floor

Did I hear you correctly?

Could you say that again and tilt your head up?

Surely you're aware of the winds of change that are blowing through our fair nation

I'm sorry, I'm a wee bit confused

Um... how can I put this delicately?

You're a raging 'mo yourself, no?

I don't know what you're insinuating

but my precious wife Crystal would be here tonight...

But I tragically lost grip on her wheelchair while maneuvering her down

the 10,000 steps of Chichen-Itza!

I absolutely adore you

You are the brightest angel in all of heaven

Also, I'd like so much, so much, to get into your pants. I would

Honey, now, don't make me cry

Okay, boys... Two Lemon Drops

Ah, don't worry about us We don't drink

We switched exclusively to pills six years ago

Look, we have to go

We, um, just found out your club has a policy against gay couples

Oh, we know

You see, dears, um... We tell people we're sisters

But we're really... sisters

Portia de Rossi Degeneres, you're lesbians?!

But that's impossible Your makeup is flawless

We've been hoping this place would change for 40 years-- / 30

But we see now that it's never gonna happen

Yeah, and what's the point in taking a stand?

Tragic

I know. Sisters and lesbians

All right, everyone, it's time for the traditional spotlight dance

Okay, honey, we're up! Come on!

Okay. Karen, sweetie, just one quick word

Thank you

This is the first time I've ever felt truly happy

Really?

Yeah, because to me this isn't just a dance

It's the beginning of our life together

Karen!

I'm sorry. Honey, I can't

I-I thought you were just a kook, but it turns out you're a sweet kook

Honey, I can't do this to you To me, this is just a dance

So there's-- There's nothing between us?

Nothing

And I'm sorry, because...

I like you

Well, liking sometimes blossoms into loving Loving somebody

Not this time

- What if we-- - Never gonna happen

Thank you

At least I--at least I got to feel something

You're welcome

Thank you

What's this?

Karen Walker without a date?

I beg of you to not gawk at her like a hideous circus freak

How dare you?

I have choked on olives bigger than you!

All right, so I'm alone!

Again. Go ahead, stare!

Or you could stare at this

Shall we?

- I've been waiting for 40 y-- - 30

Oh, Benji, I can't stand the sight of all this... homosexual dancing!

Let's just close our eyes and...sway

Hey

Hey, you finally got here

Did I miss anything?

Eh, nothing

Wanna dance?

I would love to?

We are good at this

We're like the best dancers here