Original subtitles

Yes, mom, the "Italian" and I broke up

No, not because he stole from me!

Why would you say something like that?

Oh. Well, that wasn't because Miguel was Puerto Rican

That was because he was addicted to drugs

I-I gotta go I got another call

I do too!

Guess what this is

Grace used your shower again?

One of Bernadette Peters' curls

She was standing in front of me at Duane Reade

Luckily, I was buying a pair of toenail clippers

Now I have hair from Bernadette Peters Betty Buckley, and Idina Menzel

All I need is Patti LuPone and my Broadway diva wig will be complete!

Yeah, I don't know why the red states are so afraid of gays

What's wrong with you?

Your spirits are sagging lower than your breasteses

Just tired of moping around this apartment thinking about my break-up with Vince

Well, I know exactly what you need

I'm gonna take you out

No, Jack. I don't think I'm up for it

Come on. What good is sitting alone in your room?

Come hear the music play

Life is a Jack-aret, Old Chum

Come see how Jack is gay

Really? You and me? Guy's night out?

Yeah, someone to be there for you Let me do it

Okay, sure

Maybe it'd cheer me up

You know, I mean, first me and Vince, then Brad and Jen

America's in mourning

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Honey, sorry, I'm late

Wait a minute. No, I'm not

Why do I say things I don't mean? It demeans us both

Honey, you look so pretty in that dre-- Okay, there I go again

I can't stop

Karen... No more coming in late

This restaurant could be huge for us We both need to be at the top of our game

Now I want you to open up that pill box

and throw out anything yellow, green or orange

No orange?

Honey, that's my hormone pill There's no telling what could grow back

It's our new client

Hello?

Yes, I'm very excited about the job

The whole staff is

Uh, Charles, you can go ahead and distribute those memos

Uh, Dana, tell your department I'll be postponing the presentation in Conference Room B

Don't gimme that look!

Sure, I'm coming right over

Looking forward to meeting you. Okay

Good Lord, honey You have lost it

"Charles" and "Dana"?

They haven't worked here in months! Sheesh...

Karen, I need you to hold down the fort

Well, I did it at the Alamo, I can do it here

Jesus loves me, this, I know, for the--

Hello, Karen

Scott Woolley

Yes, oh, you're so wise to remember the name of your sworn enemy

Actually, you've got a dry cleaning tag hanging off your shirt

Well... I never thought I would see you again after I foiled your plan to take over Walker, Inc

What the hell are you doing here?

Hmm. I just dropped by to see how my campaign to destroy your life

is progressing. Mm-hmm

What? What are you talking about?

Now unless you've come here to deliver a baby, get outta here, you big stork!

Uh, maybe you've been wondering who's been calling your voice mail and hanging up

Voice mail?

I don't even know what that is How can you mail a voice?

You're even crazier than you are tall and birdlike

Yeah, but that's nothing compared to the final phase of my second plan to ruin...

your... life

Yeah, well, I hope it's better than your first plan because that one sucked!

Other than "Let's beat Bush by running another mopey stiff with a horse face,"

that was the worst plan I've ever heard!

Except this one's gonna work

And when it does, I finally get to break out my bottle of 1954 Salon le Menuille

The world's most expensive champagne,

which I've been saving for the moment when I finally bring you down. Ciao

And, uh, when next you see me,

you're gonna be crying bitter tears

Do I need a key for the men's room?

Are you sure this is a gay club?

Middle-aged women keep bumping into me,

and this song is, like, 28 years old

It's a straight club right now It doesn't turn gay until 9:00

I had a roommate in college who was the same way

Yeah, well, we just have to hold out a bit

It should be changing in exactly... five seconds

I find it hard to believe that a club could just instantly turn gay

Yeah, we have to leave in exactly two hours

unless you want to be tossed around by a bunch of bikers

Thanks, Jack This is just what I needed

You know, spend a little time with my friend take my mind off of everything

I know. I pee a little bit when I dance too

That's not what I said

I said it's great spending time with you

Oh, well, good

'Cause I'm yours for the night

- I'm gonna get us a couple drinks - I'll come with ya

No, no, no, no, you have to save our spot on the dance floor

This is the premiere spot

We're away from the smoke The lighting is perfect

And we got a balls-eye-view of the go-go boys

Okay, I'll save it

No, not like that

You gotta save it for both of us You gotta dance wide!

Yeah, that's good

That's good. I'll be right back

Mr. Osment is running late If you need anything, I'm Filip

Thank you, Philip

Yeah, uh, No, it's "Fil-lip" with an "F."

- What did I say? - "Philip" with a "P-H."

Ah, he's ready for you

Wait...here

Aah!

S-sorry. Hello Miss Adler?

- Oh, you must be Mr. Osment - Please call me Haley Joel

"Haley Joel Osment"?

Like the kid

Uh, yes...

Uh, I was named after him

My parents were big fans. Big fans

Anyway, let's look at those design plans

Oh, oh, I don't have the plans We're really not at that stage yet

But your office assured me that you'd be bringing 'em

That woman, uh, told me--

Oh, boy, now I'm not gonna remember her name

Um, Klaybin, Klaron, Karbin...

- Karen? - Yeah, oh, yes, Karen

- She promised that I'd be bringing plans? - Yes, she absolutely did

Oh, I apologize for the misunderstanding

Well, it's just ridiculous

How're you gonna do the job if you can't even handle your own assistant?

I think you should fire her

I-I can't fire her

It would be like cutting off my arm My drunk, useless arm

- Do you want this job? - Of course, I do

Then fire... Karen... Walker

Okay, get this

That guy that I met last night, Craig,

lives in the same building as Patti LuPone's dog walker

After that, how could I not sleep with him?

Oh, Patti... I'm getting closer

Sometimes, I imagine her singing while I'm cutting her hair

No, Jack, one dream at a time! Stop it

How was your night?

How was my night? My night was horrible

You dumped me!

I sweated through my jeans dancing wide

Then I had to do four body shots off of Betty Lynn

before Squirrel would drive me home on his Harley!

All right, you want an apology

Come on, let's do it in the mirror, so we can see how cute I look doing it

Save it, Jack. I'm not in the mood

The one time I needed you to be there for me--

I don't know why I'm surprised

You don't give a crap about anyone but yourself

Will! I'm sorry, really

Now come on, let's go have lunch at Barney's

so we can watch women with giant lips try to eat soup

Forget it, Jack. I'm done

I don't know what you're talking about, honey Nobody named Osment called

and I never promised nobody nothin', ya hear?

Look, he gave me an ultimatum

He said I either fire you or I lose the job

And he was talking about opening these restaurants all over the country

I mean, I could be the designer of Woolley's Revenges everywhere

"Woolley's Revenge"?

I know, bad name I go straight to "diarrhea."

Wait a minute, wait a minute

Honey, this guy that you're working for describe him to me

Oh, I don't know Really tall, long-limbed, attractive

Kinda like a big sexy whooping crane?

Now that you say it, yeah

I knew it. It's the same guy!

Oh, no. Wait a minute, my guy's name is Scott Woolley, not Osment

Okay, forget it

Mmm

Excuse me These candies are delicious

- What do you call them? - Sugar cubes

Yummy

Oh

Will! Thanks for coming

I'm not here to see you

I'm here to do an interview for the premiere issue of Briefs

a magazine for cute gay lawyers

Which I just realized does not exist

You'd think I'd been tipped off

when the message was left by managing editor Pat McGroin

At your service, laddie

- I don't have time for this - No, no, no, but wait, wait

I wanna be here for you Now, come, come, sit

I reserved a nice quiet table in the corner for us to talk for as long as you need

Yeah, until a cute guy walks by or you notice your reflection in a spoon

No. Now I can be a good friend

Now, I would like to hear everything that's going on with you

- You would? - I would

You must be serious

The word "would" was just used three times, and you didn't giggle

Okay

It's, uh... I don't know, it's--it's been hard

Wow, still no giggle

It just--it's, like...it's--

What Vince and I had just felt so right

And you're wondering if you're ever gonna find that again

Yeah, I am

I mean, it's like, am I even capable of having a relationship?

Of course

You just haven't found anyone who's good enough for you yet

Thanks

Oh, you know, I should wash my hands

The subway stopped short, and I accidentally put my finger in an old man's ear

I'll be right back

Okay, and I'll be waiting right here

As far as I'm concerned, we're the only two people in the whole world

I have a reservation for tea Patti LuPone

Miss Adler

I can only assume that this means that you've fired Karen Walker

I did. But I'd really rather not talk about it It's just too upsetting

Oh, yes. No, I understand

Um, so how did she take it? Um, maybe not well?

She was devastated

She said that that job was the most important thing to her in the world

Go on, go on Keep going, don't mind me

I may close my eyes a little bit, go ahead

After that, she became violent

I had to have her arrested

Then when the police where shoving her into the squad car

they accidentally ripped her ear off

They were gonna try and put it back on, but a dog ran up and ate it

Wow, that sounds like, uh, her life is ruined

- Does it sound like that to you? - It does

But to Karen it only sounds half as bad because she only has one ear

I feel...

just awful

Oh. You know what a sad occasion like this calls for?

A glass of 1954 Salon le Menuille

The world's most expensive champagne

I've waited so long for this moment

No champagne will ever taste as sweet

It tastes like cat pee!

That's because it is

Miss LuPone, I just wanna say I saw you in Evita when I was 16

I came out by intermission

I hear that a lot

Sometimes I think I'm personally responsible for the West Village

By the way, you look fabulous

Thanks. My hair's a little long I need to get it cut

Sorry

This is really, really sweet of you to do, Jack. Thank you

Well, I'm happy to

There's nothing more important to me than you

Patti-- Fatty-- Will!

Are you--are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine. I'm perfect

So heartbreak and sorrow, go

Oh, no, my earring

Oh, my God. Is that Patti LuPone?

No, I don't think so. Heh heh

- I really think it is - Really?

Oh, what do you know, it is

I'm sorry

My head was practically in your lap

So... Do I get the part?

Jack. What are you doing?

You've been trying to track down Patti LuPone

ever since you came home with that clump of hair from Bea Arthur

and finished your Golden Girls wig

William

Now for the last time, nothing can distract me from you

Now, please continue

Um, I hate to ask this and I feel really awkward...

Ohh, it's okay. I know

You want me to sing "Don't Cry For Me, Argentina."

Well, it's my birthday

I would love to

But I don't wanna be rude

I'll just ask these gentlemen if they don't mind

Excuse me

Hello?

Jack, Patti LuPone is trying to get your attention

Would you mind if I sang?

Shut up, Patti LuPone!

Shut your brassy, magnificent trap!

I don't wanna hear you sing I don't wanna cut your hair

And I certainly don't wanna hear you singing while I'm cutting your hair!

Got it?!

Now I'm talking to my best friend so stand back, Buenos Aires!

People either love me, or they hate me

I don't believe you just did that

You spurned a Broadway legend for me

Well, I wanted to prove to you that I really care about you, Will

- And you did - Really?

Yes. And thank you

Now come on

We've got a diva to scalp

Thank you, Will

I just hope she's not a screamer like that prissy Rue McClanahan

Excuse me

I don't mean to bother you during your man cry

But I forgot my portfolio

Um, hold me

Hold you? No, I'm not going to hold you

You tried to destroy my best friend

And you wasted my time on some bogus design job

Oh, no, sweetie, I was always gonna pay you. Here's your check

Come to mamala

I'm--I'm pathetic

What if I can never defeat Karen Walker then what's the point of my whole life?

Oh, don't talk like that

You are smart, good-looking, rich

Don't waste all your energy on Karen Just let it go

I can't! She's all I think about

I imagine what she's doing every moment of every day

I look for her in crowds I listen for her voice

When I'm pulling a pineapple cake out of the oven

I'm thinking, "Is she doing the same thing?"

If I didn't know any better I'd say that you had a little crush on her

No, I just told you. I hate her

She's evil and monstrous and cold

- And sexy? - So hunkin' sexy

Oh my God in heaven

You may be right

I think I-- I do have a little-- a little crush on her

See, now you don't have to devote your entire life to ruining her

Oh, you're so right. Thank you Thank you, Grace

Gee, you freed me

Now I can devote my entire life to... making her my girlfriend

Don't cry for me, Argentina

The truth is I never left you

All through my wild days

my mad existance...

I kept my promise...

Don't keep your distance