Original subtitles

Hey, kids

Hey, Karen, wow! I love the blonde

It's very Mary J. Blige meets Barbara Eden meets My Little Pony

Rosie's pretending to be sick so she's slacking off

She wouldn't even shampoo my hair in the shower this morning

Luckily, my cook's teenage daughter was willing to sell me her hair

Oh, Will's boyfriend You're a cop

I need you to get rid of these tickets for me

These are tickets to Harvey Fierstein in Fiddler On the Roof

Yeah, well you can see why I'd wanna get rid of them. Hop to it!

Karen, Vincent has been fired for trying on gloves in a hostage situation

But Will doesn't know

He also doesn't know I've been using his ATM card for the past two years

Vince, you're gonna have to tell him, you know

He'll understand Will loves accessories

For God's sake, he names his scarves

I know. Remember that time he almost cried because he dropped coffee on Burberry Pete

No, I'm gonna tell him All right?

I'm just waiting for the perfect time

Unbelievable news

- I'm up for partner! - Whoo! / Yeah!

And you, mister, are taking me out to celebrate

I'm talking about the most expensive restaurant in the city

I can't. I got fired

What?! You--

What do you mean you got fired? What happened?

It was like two weeks ago

We followed this perp into Saks when I noticed these cashmere gloves

So, I just tried them on for a second

And just when I was seeing how it looked with a navy cardigan

the cashier got shot

And they fired you for that?!

Just to play devil's advocate

wouldn't those gloves have been just as cute after you disarmed the gunman?

Wow, so you hate gays, too

Oh, Jackie. We only hate gays because that's what's in right now

Hating gays, hating evolution

- It's the new age of enlightenment - Oh

I've been trying to get a new job it's just that--

Hey, hey, hey, don't worry

You'll land on your feet Unlike the cashier

- So who's gonna take me out to dinner? - I will. I'll use my ATM card

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Is this a mushroom or a cocENoach?

What do you care? It's deep fried

Listen, I know Vince has been around a lot lately

but please, if he starts to get on your nerves, say something

No, he's fine

Seriously, you won't hurt my feelings

I mean, he hasn't left the apartment in a month

And that couch is practically growing out his ass

No, I understand

He got fired He's going through a hard time

Well, it must bug you...

that-that he's gained weight, stopped showering

steals jokes from commercials an-an-- and pretends that they're his own

I mean, that's gotta be a huge turnoff for you

I'm sorry, but I like his little pooch

And I always laugh when he farts and says

"Can you hear me now?"

Ooh, ooh!

The new senior partner's coming Wipe that rice off your neck

Oh, it just crawled off-- Where did we order from?

How's my favorite gay lawyer at the firm?

Not that there's a quota or anything but three is plenty

Oh, um, Margot, this is my friend, Grace I don't think you've met before

Please, Will, don't introduce me to everybody as your boss

Well, actually, I didn't

Grace, this is Margot

Please...

call me Margot

Oh, good... 'cause that was kind of my only option

I'm having a dinner party Friday for the three candidates for partner

Oh, great!

Please do not infer it's going to be any kind of competition

Oh, no, no, of course not

But by the end of the evening I will have chosen one of you for partner

Wow, a party's not a party unless someone goes home devastated

Oh, I agree

Why don't you come, Grace?

Maybe you could be that someone

No, just kidding

There's a great guy I'd like to set you up with

Oh, how rude of me

I don't know why, I just assumed you were bitterly divorced

- No, I am. I'd love to come - Great

And Will, bring your boyfriend I'm dying to meet him

Oh, I'm dying to have you meet him Heh heh...

There is no way I'm bringing that sack!

He'll make me look bad He'll screw up my chances!

Stop complaining and start supporting him

That fat, lazy, farting sack is your boyfriend

Well, I gotta hand it to Rosario

It's been over a month, and she's still pretending to be sick

She's even managed to raise her temperature up to 104

and make her glands swell up so much they feel like knees

Uh, Karen, have you ever thought she might actually be sick?

Honey, what would give you an idea like that?

I mean, look at her

I'm sick

Can you believe this one?

Hey, Meryl Streep!

Why don't you start preparing for your next role

as the woman who throws away my gum?

Eh, start flossing, lady There's a tooth in here

You know, Karen, Rosie's color is kinda off

Although... What color is she supposed to be?

I ordered her in hunter green but she's faded

Ooh! Listen, honey, I gotta get going

I gotta go to my Christian Book Club meeting

Today we're burning Catcher in the Rye

Karen, I really think we should take her to the hospital

Yeah, okay

Tell her to meet me at the library with some lighter fluid and a fast car

Rosie, I think I'm gonna take you over to--

Oh, my God, Rosie!

ROSIE!!

Rosie!

What?

Oh. The way you were drinking your tea it seemed like you were dead

So when's Vince getting here? Oh, any minute

He's coming straight from his new job which he is over the moon about

Assistant Head of Security at Harry Winston Jewelers

He loves it even more than being a cop

I'm telling you, that man would take a bullet for chandelier earrings

And that is the staff bathroom

Otherwise known as the one you'll all be using

Will, Grace, welcome

Will, that is not a present

- I told you no presents - Oh, no, actually it's my scarf

Ah! I love it

Thank you

Yeah, we all brought gifts

And, apparently, I brought my wife's watch

It was my grandmother's

Grace, this is Leonard

The man I've told you so much about

Oh, this is--

Hello, nice to meet you...sir

Does anyone feel the heat in here?

Let's get out of here before clothes start flying off

I know I'm a little older than you expected

But if it makes you feel any better I've looked the same way since 1948

I love the way you've decorated, Margot

It's, uh, very elegant

- But then, you're an elegant woman - Look, Gary, Roz, get off my leg

There's no reason to suck up

You don't need to be worried that

whoever doesn't make partner tonight is gonna be fired from the firm

Because that is not for sure

So... how do you fit into this group?

Oh, well, my friend Will works at the firm

Do you know Margot well?

You could say that I'm her husband

Old and married

Wow, I feel like Cinderella

I must say this tapestry of tension I've created is making me weak in the knees

And it's working its way up

Ooh, uh, I'll get it. I'm sure it's Vince

Ah, two gay men in my apartment

It's like the '70s again

Thank God, you're here! If you were any later

- you'd have really embarrassed me - I got fired!

What?! What happened?

They had these diamond covered gloves... and I was trying them on...

What the hell is with you and gloves?!

Oh, Will

You're not gonna believe this but I'm gonna love telling you

Seems Nicole and Margot went to the same all-girls' school

Gave me a solid academic background

and half a dozen character-building lesbian experiences

Well, Vince and I aren't lesbians

but we, uh, don't have much sex anymore so that's close

Is that--isn't that right, Vince? Huh, Vince?

Huh?

Oh, I'm sorry I was just, uh--

I was just, uh... I was just thinking that

I'm lost and I'll probably never work again

You must think I'm pretty pathetic

Eh

I love Margot

I'll never move on

Maybe you will Maybe you won't

Do you know what's for dinner?

I don't care

I'd sleep on the guest bed that the cats pee on just to be near her

Yeah

Is there any chance we've been talking for three hours?

It sounds like you're getting a bit mad at me

No, I'm not mad It's just that, you know

you're a little frustrating

- You wanna take it out on me? - Huh?

Spank me

I am so glad we could do this tonight

Because I think of the firm as a family

And there is nothing more important than family

- Well, speaking of family-- - Shh...

What? It's great news We're having a baby

No, we're not Nothing's definite

I might not keep it

A baby! Congratulations

That is wonderful news

Do you wanna adopt? I need an answer right now

You're going to a terrific mother, Roz

And now, let's all sit down to dinner

Oh, not you, Roz. You can go home

What?

Well, you're not going to be partner

And this has nothing to do with those silly studies that say a mother

is less productive in the workplace

But there are of those studies and they all say the same thing

Honey, where the hell have you been?

You know that when I drop by unexpectedly

I like for you to be here so that you can say something stupid

and I can say something about recreational drugs!

Didn't you get any of my messages? Rosie is in surgery!

If they can get her boobs above her waist they deserve a Nobel prize.

Karen, this isn't a joke!

She could die!

She has tonsillitis! You hear me? Tonsillitis!

Okay, I see what she's doing

She's faking so that she can get her tonsils taken out

and sell them to Japanese people as an aphrodisiac

Well, I've just raced home to get a nurse's best friend--

her Patch Adams nose

Thank God, I keep a bowl of them by the door

Now, Karen, you should come with me

And why would I do that?

To show her that you care for her and that you love her

You take that back!

Oh, I know what this is

People avoid sick loved ones

so they don't have to face the idea of losing them

Saw it all the time in the hospital

That's why when I was a nurse whenever somebody died

I hid them under the bed

- Now, are you coming? - No!

And you can tell that package of assorted chicken parts

she better get her thighs and her giblets back to work

or she can find another coop to sleep in Chicken!

It is a shame I am the only one taking this seriously

Not that I'm not enjoying my fantasy date...

but don't you think we should join everyone for dinner?

Oh, she doesn't let me eat with her

And since you're my date

you don't get to eat either

- Probably makes you mad - It does make me mad

- Mad enough to spank me? - No, Leonard, I'm not gonna spank you

But you want to

Because I remind you of every weak man who's ever let you down

That's true

And you'd like to hit these men, wouldn't you?

No-o!

Although there are a lot of them and they would deserve it

- So just try it - No!

Heh, you're divorced, aren't you?

Thank you

What was it, another woman?

Leonard...

I'm gonna need you to stand like this

And brace yourself

...So I don't ride anymore

- but we still stable a horse in Millbrook - Hmm

Vince, you--you were on mounted duty for awhile, right?

Yeah. I had a horse named Snowflake

Real smart. During the Republican Convention he ran right past the protestors

and took a crap in front of Zell Miller

Ha ha. That is officially my favorite story of the evening

Excuse me

Looks like someone made a new friend

Snowflake was like a brother to me

I wonder what he's doing now

Well, whatever it is, I'm sure he's--

he's the glue that holds the precinct together

God, I miss that horse!

Will you excuse me?

Well... I'll be right back, I-- Remember before,

when the horse took a crap in front of Zell Mi--

I'll be right back

Get it together!

Forget about Snowflake Snowflake is dead

Snowflake is dead?!

Oh! No! The subject is dead

Talk about something else something happy

Will, sit down right now or my finger is going into your wine

But, Margot, what--wh am I supposed to--to do?

And my finger is in your wine

Your move

You know what?

My move is something I should have done a long time ago

I'm going home and taking care of my boyfriend

Uh, it's okay. It's okay I'm okay

No, you're not Come on, Vince, we're going

Congratulations, Gary You're partner

Yes! Ha ha ha!

Hang on, buddy

I'm the only one around here who can make someone partner

And I'm hardly going to do it during this awkward moment

Will, you're partner

This isn't fair!

Oh, grow up, Gary

Will's getting promoted because his performance reviews were better

This has nothing to do with your uninteresting wife

Excuse me Will, can we go home?

In a minute I just-- I think I just made--

I said now!

Oh, my God. I can't stop

Now, remember, Rosie

the doctor says your throat is gonna be very tender

and talking may cause excruciating pain

So only speak when absolutely necessary

Thank you, Jack

I'm sorry, dear, what?

I said, thank you

Now, darlin', how can I help ya if I can't hear ya?

Okay... Come on

Thank you, Jack.

Oh, "Thank you, Jack." Oh, Rosie, that's fine

Yeah, you're welcome

But, really, you should save your voice

Yeah, you should have just said "Thank you."

You didn't need to add "Jack."

Try it again

All right, all right

You can quit your fakin', Rosie you've made your point

You're gonna get an extra 25 cents an hour

And a new pack of sponges Okay?

So, take a bow Get back to work

What? Rosie doesn't want you here so why don't you just go--

She can stay

Once again, sweetheart it is so hard to hear you!

She can stay

Chicken steak?

All right, I'll get you some But I'm tellin' you,

it's gonna go down like broken glass

All right, Rosie

I need you to get out of that bed and start walking

You know what that is, don't ya?

Put one knuckle right in front of the other

Come on! I'm not foolin' around you lazy refried--

Oh, my--

Oh, no, Rosie! Rosie, don't die! No! I'm sorry

I knew you weren't faking the whole time

I just couldn't admit that you were really sick

because then I would have to think about losing you

and I'm not ready for that I'm not ready, I tell ya!

Oh, come on, Rosie

I always thought I'd be the first one to go

Don't worry, you will

Little thingy came off my finger

How you doin'?

Better

Thanks for saying all that nice stuff

Eh, I should have said it a long time ago

This isn't working

What do you mean?

- Come on, Will, I'm driving you nuts - No

- Be honest - Maybe a little

You know, I love having a guy who stands up for me

I just hate being the guy who has to have somebody stand up for him

Vince...

I just need a little time to figure some stuff out

Wow

Okay... um...

what do we do?

I don't know

- Maybe we take a-- take a break? - I don't wanna break up

Not break up, no, just take a-- take a break

I mean, everybody says that but we--we really... mean it

Okay. Good

Okay

So, uh...

- I'll see ya - Yes, you will

Where's Vince?

I think we just broke up

You know, you gave me quite a scare just then, little miss

I'm sorry, mommy

Rosie, they were out of chicken steak

so I got you jalapeno nachos and peanut brittle

Oh, Karen

You do love her

I do, Jackie