Original subtitles

You know what?

I kind of like eating dinner without Grace

There's enough for seconds nobody stabs my hand

with a fork when reaching for a lamb chop

She went to the theatre with my mother. I'd have gone, but..

this is my firm's busiest time of the year. I am swamped

Organizing the Christmas potluck?

It is such hard work! You wouldn't believe the number of hours I put in

Luckily, I-I bill them all to a rich, drunk client who'll never know the difference

You're a smart man, Will

That's why you're my lawyer

Well, I am just going to come out and say it. Billy Crystal is an American treasure.

700 Sundays is a big fat hit

Mm-hmm. I could only make it through 200 Sundays before I had to hit the can

- Hi - Hi

Mom, I'm so sorry I couldn't make it. Office emergency

Oh, I know, I know. The potluck

Oh, I'd better run if I'm going to make my train. Grace

I had so much fun with you!

I felt like I was out with my new best friend

I had a great time too. We're gonna have do this again sometime.

Well, I am giving a ladies tea tomorrow afternoon at my house

Catch the 1:36 train and I will pick you up on my way home from the market, mm?

Wow. That's...specific and soon

Um... Sure, why not? I'll see you tomorrow

- 3:06 - Okay

Get home safe, Will's mom

Ooh, that face. I'm kvelling

I learned that from Billy Crystal

He taught us so many things. Tuchas... plotzing...

Well, so long, my little faygeleh

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7x12 Christmas Break

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And that was Glenn. Number eleven

After him, I went home, took a nap, went to the gym

Which is where I met Martin

Number twelve

The end

Jackie, I love the story of the 12 Gays of Christmas

Miss Karen? We have a little visitor

Oh, for God's sake. I'm not your mother

You know where the tampons are

It's your stepdaughter, Olivia

You Ghost of Christmas Passed-out

Aww, Rosie. I love it when your slams turn seasonal

It means that Christmas is just around the corner, hmm

What the hell is Olivia doin' here anyway?

Well, her ugly mother and fat brother are in the hospital

They're sucking out part of his stomach and putting it into her flat fanny

Ah, the circle of life

Anyway, Olivia needs a place to stay for Christmas

Hmm, yeah. Well, you can tell her to forget it. I'm not runnin' a freakin' YMC..

Hey! Look at you! Ha ha ha!

Hi, Karen. Hi, Jack

I hope it's okay that I'm staying. It won't be that long.

I would've stayed with my stepfather, but..

he's gonna be busy operating on my mom and brother

Honey, you can stay for as long as you want

Aww, curly

Seems like just yesterday I was holdin' ya in my arms

and then frantically passing you off to a nanny

Great to see ya. Rosie, take her

Why am I so nice? Now I'm stuck with her!

Well, there go my Christmas plans of sittin' in a dark room and drinking

And there go my Christmas plans of turning you so you don't choke on your own vomit

She's ruining both of our holidays, Jackie

Unless...

Unless what?

Unless...

She just ruined yours. Why don't you take care of her?

No, Karen. She's a teenage girl. They're very cruel

Yeah. The last time I saw Olivia, I was wearing Uggs

Which apparently had gone out of style exactly five minutes before I walked in

She gave me such a dressing down,

I ended up sobbing and curled up in the fecal position

Honey, don't you mean...

Oh

Well... come on, Jackie. Help me out here

No, Karen. This is your respons..

- I'll pay you $1,000 a minute - And I have a daughter

Uh, hey, Will. I was thinking, um

I don't know what your theme is for this year's potluck

but, um, I was thinking maybe we could make a dessert together

Gee, Connie, that's tempting..

Like maybe, uh, we could frost an upside-down Connie

I mean an upside-down cake

Y-you know what might help this awkward moment, Connie?

Uh, if you left

Will, I need to talk to you

Oh, her. I do not get it

Um...hey

I just got back from tea at your mother's, and something terrible happened

Oh no, did another one of her friends admit to sleeping with my father?

Um, this happened when I went to set my drink on the mantel

Mantel?

Not the mantel where my mother keeps her Lladro collection

Maybe

Grace

Look me in the eye and tell me that nothing happened to any one of those figurines

Okay....

Particularly not the Bashful Geisha

- Why, was she special? - "Was"?!

Was! Oh, you animal! You clumsy animal!

Do you have any idea how important Wi-San was to my mother?!

Well, if she was so important, why was she in front of the cashews!

She loved that figurine

When my brother Sam started a fire making french fries,

Wi-San was the only thing my mother ran back in the house to save

The rest of us had to be alerted by a neighbor!

Hey, Will. Do you have time to go over the Morris case?

Marc, you went to Harvard. Do I have to remind you it's potluck week?

Now, please, go make a 195 miniature flans

Okay, that's why I'm the second gayest lawyer here...

Okay, all right. I-I need to think here. Think, Grace, think

Interesting that you have to remind yourself to do that

Okay, I got it! I'm gonna get her a new one.

Good thinking, Grace!

You can't get her a new one. They--

they stopped making them when Japanese- Americans began picketing the factory

Oh, my God

I have to tell her

Wait, w-w-w-wait, whoa

She doesn't know?

No, I was alone in the living room pouring cashews into my purse

After it broke, I kicked it under the sofa

This is good. If she doesn't know,

we don't tell her. That would be the worst thing in the world. Listen to me

Don't say a word. Pretend it never happened

I can't do that. I feel terrible

You know what your problem is? Jewish guilt

It gets you every time

You know how many Jewish serial killers there are? Not many

because they kill once, then they feel too guilty to kill again

Or they get caught 'cause they were distracted by a nosh

- Ooh! - Grace!

Oh, Miss Karen, can I stop for a minute? My back is hurting

Keep goin'. I didn't hear anything snap

This year I'm making your figgy pudding with rat poison and Ajax

But no raisins!

That was so much fun, Olivia

Finally I can try on a skirt and get somebody's honest opinion

You're the only one of my friends who doesn't look slutty in a micro-mini

I know, right!

- Hey, know what we should do? - Definitely

- Meet you there - Okay

Oh, Jackie

I cannot believe that they drummed you out of the

acting profession for being an unconvincing no-talent

That was your best performance yet

No, Karen, I had fun

Really?

'Cause I pay my babysitters just like I pay my whores

you gets your money whether you like it or not

No, Karen, I really like Olivia

That little girl you had no interest in raising is

turning out to be an amazing woman you'll never know

Huh. Well

I've got a couple hours free this afternoon

I'll take her off your hands. Yeah

we'll go out and do whatever it is that kids are doin' these days

Karen, you know you don't wanna do that

- Well, actually, Honey, I.. - Besides, it's Christmas

You should just sit here and enjoy your drink alone like you wanted, yeah

Oh, I almost forgot. Sorry

Oh, hi, Mom

Okay, sure

Grace, my-- my mom's on her way up

Why is she here? She knows. How does she know?

I'm outta here. Forward my mail

Grace, Grace. Grace

What are you worried about? You didn't do anything

Right?

Right

So anything she has to say about the fate of her figurine is new information,

and should be met with shock. Let's try it

Um-- Grace, my Lladro is broken

Dear God, no!

Yeah, you're.. you're mildly surprised, not being asked to give money to charity

Hi, Mom

Hi, Marilyn. Tea was so great yesterday. How are you?

- Not very good - What's wrong?

I have some very sad news, Will.

Fiona was cleaning after the party yesterday..

and she found Wi-San in pieces on the floor

Wi-San is dead, Will

She's dead!

Wi-San?

Well, she sounds like somebody who's ready to go anyway

She was a very rare Lladro figurine And somebody broke her

Oh, I bet it was that Skippy Faber, the clumsy drunk

Grace, you were talking to her Was she slurring?

Uh, a little

But I really couldn't tell 'cause she was... stumbling around and waving her arms

I knew it!

I am going to wait until April and pour bleach on her roses

Well, hey, that's something to look forward to

I'm just going to splash some cold water on my face, and then I'll be going

This is perfect!

This is what happens when you keep your mouth shut. Skippy Faber takes the fall!

So, that's it? I just let Skippy hang for my crime?

Ah, she's German We'll just call it even

Do you know what?

It could-- it could not have been Skippy

Because I remember refilling the cashews right after she left, and Wi-San was fine

Bashful, but fine

Well, whatever. The important thing is it's over and it doesn't matter.

Oh, yes it does, Someone came into my house,

destroyed something beautiful, and didn't even have the decency to admit it

Ooh. I am not going to rest until I find them and pour bleach on something they love

Now I'm sorry I bought these jeans

I think they make me look like I'm not starving myself

They do too. I mean, any one of us would kill to have your body

- Kill. - I am so serious

Thanks, Olivia, thanks, Maisie, thanks, Ruby.

Boy, how cool are we, huh?

All the girls wanna be us, and all the boys wanna date us

Ha bee da, Bee buh da~

Whoo! I love Usher. Ha ha!

Karen, what are you doing here?

Oh, I come here all the time

What? You don't shop at malls

Sure I do. I get all my jewelry at... Zales

Of course, I buy all my clothes at the Limited

And of course I always get my educational puzzles at Imaginarium

Karen, here. Um, why don't you join us?

- Y-you don't have to - No, sure

I wanna get chilly. Yeah, yeah

Let's roll, paddy whack

Yeah. Yo, crackers, I'd love to!

So, what are we doin'?

What all teenage girls do

Which is remarkably similar to what gay men do

Talk about boys, obsess about our bodies, and make fun of people

Smack the bitch up!

Karen!

Hey, I'm gettin' kind of thirsty. I'm gonna get us all some beers

Oh, what am I talkin' about? Some light beers

What are you doing?

I was hangin' out with my stepdaughter

You're embarrassing me!

And that's hard to do. I was dropped off at school by a 700-pound man

- I gotta go. My friends are waiting - Fine! Good riddance

Besides, I'm gonna go pick up some lithographs at Z Gallerie

Wow

That was just like "The O.C."

Only without 25-year-old teenagers and 35-year-old parents

Well, my Holidays Around the World potluck was a rousing success

Except when Egypt and Israel fought over the Suez cannoli

Hi, Mom. Hi, Fiona

Hello, Darling. Grace?

- You remember Fiona, my housekeeper - Mm?

Well, I-I shouldn't say housekeeper

She's been with us so long, she's more like family

Not really

Nice to see ya!

- Oh, you're lookin' fit - Well, thank you

And we came into town just to do a little shopping and, uh..

Oh, golly. Oh, golly

Where's my other bag? I must've left it in the lobby

I'll get it. You visit with your son

Oh, you are such a wonderful woman. I..

I swear I don't know what I would do without you

I need you to fire her, Will

- What?! Why? - Well, I figured it out

She broke the Lladro!

Here's your scotch

I wanted a hot cider

Oh. Here's your hot cider

Karen. Why are you making Olivia leave?

Well, she doesn't want to be around me, I don't want to be around her

- I don't - Yeah? Well then, get riddance!

Don't let the door,

or the gate, or the other door, or the security laser hit you on the way out!

This is crazy. Olivia

Karen cares about you. She always has

- No, she doesn't - No, I don't

She'd never tell you this herself, but she's always done a lot of nice things for you

- No, she didn't - No, I haven't

When you were a little girl, your favorite show was "Step by Step."

Did you know that Karen paid..

for that show in production two extra seasons just so you could watch it?

- She did? - Yes!

Now, damn it

you two care about each other. But you're too stubborn to admit it

Now, I am gonna lock myself out..

on that bitterly cold terrace for as long as it takes for you guys

to work it out in this warm, comfortable, cozy room

Got it?

Well...I better go

- Olivia? - Yeah?

I'm sorry that I wasn't a very good stepmother

You're all right

Like, remember that time when we glued the cookie to the floor

and watched Mason get splinters trying to pick it up?

And then Stanley showed him how to pry up the floorboards and eat 'em both together

I miss Dad

Yeah. I miss him too, Honey

You have his eyes, you know

Except.. yours aren't on the sides of your head

Listen, Come on, why don't you stay?

We can do somethin' fun like roast chestnuts and then throw 'em at Rosario. Come on

That sounds fun

Okay

You guys worked it out yet? It's really chilly out here!

Mom, e-even if Fiona did break the Lladro, I can't fire her

she's been with us forever. She's like a mother to me. Sorry

I know. I know, Darling That's all right

I went through quite a funk after I had you

I-I wouldn't pick him up for a year

And I don't care what the book said, I still think that was right thing to do

Um, Marilyn, I know this isn't any of my business..

I can't imagine anyone who's less involved than I am

But, um-- accidents happen

You're not really gonna fire her, are you?

You know, I trust everyone implicitly. Until they betray that trust

And then they are dead to me forever

I'm just going to wait back here

Will, take care of it

Why me?

It's easier for you. You're cold, like your father

I am much too warm

I am not gonna fire Fiona. You have to tell Mom that you did it

Yes, my mom will torture you forever. But what's worse?

That, or the knowledge that you cost an innocent woman her livelihood?

Well, when you put it like that, I guess

the choice is pretty clear...

- Hello, hello - You're fired

- What? - N-n-no, you're not!

Yes, you are. Get out, you Lladro-breaking leprechaun.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, stop it! Stop it!

You monster. You are not fired. Mom!

Mom, Grace did it! Grace broke the Lladro!

I knew it, I knew it all along

- What? You knew? - Oh, give me a little credit.

Grace had her paws in the cashews all afternoon

So this was--this was all a game?

- You, you were playing us? - Yes

Marilyn, I am so sorry I broke it. And I'm so sorry I didn't tell you

I'm sorry too

Although, any wrong doing on my part can probly be traced to the fact

that I had no human contact for the first year of my life

Oh, Marilyn, I hope that we can put this behind us

Hm. We can

Let's pretend it never happened

Come on, Fiona, let's go. Oh!

Before I forget...

Happy holidays, Grace

The chocolates you loved at my house

- Thank you - Enjoy

Will, see, your mother can forgive and forget

I wouldn't