Original subtitles

Thanks again for taking me away this weekend

This is exactly what I needed to get my mind off my anniversary

Well, that's what we're gonna do

In fact, for the rest of the weekend, let's just not mentionthe words

"Leo", "marriage", "anniversary" or "ointment"

- Ointment? - I just hate that word

All right, just so we're clear, Will...

Are we allowed to mention the message Leo left that

may or may not have said he was gonna meet Grace on the rooftop of the Peninsula Hotel

to possibly rekindle the love they once had ointment?

Let's just say for you, all words are off limits

You know, honey the same policy with my staff

They are not allowed to say insurance, fair wage,

can I have Christmas off to visit my children?

Or ointment That one sticks in my craw too

Ooh... Ooh, I'm vibrating

Which means I have a text message on my vibrator

Let's see...

"All Out TV executives should come up with an idea for a network promo."

"It needs to send a positive message to the gay community."

So it's saying your promo needs to be pro 'mo

Gay puns don't work on you, dear. No

"No problem. My promo will be... pro 'mo."

Jack

That was hilarious

Driver, turn the heat up!

There's a little nip in the air Oh, make that two of 'em

Forget about the heat What about this traffic?

It's so annoying!

We haven't moved in a half hour Let's go!

Hey, hey, hey, hey Come on

Let's forget the traffic and the cold

The important thing is, we're all here for Grace

Screw this crap. Let's get outta here

Turn off the air condition and put on the heat

Now, let's pull out of this parking spot and hit the road!

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Jackie, I just wanna stop in here for a second

- I have to use the bathroom - Welcome to the Peninsula Hotel

- May I help you? - Yes, I'd like a suite please

What are you talking about? I thought you said you had to go to the bathroom

I do

Make sure the toilet has a park view

Oh, my God, Karen, look Oh, my God. Look who it is

It's that guy from that commercial years ago, remember?

He used to dress in a devil outfit and sit on people's shoulders

and offer them cocoa in a can

He--he used to say "It's sinfully delicious."

The Cocoa Devil!

Honey, he's the one you should ask to be in your promo

He's the perfect mid-level-celebrity-nobody for your mid-level-nothing cable network

Gee, Karen, I don't know

I mean, you just can't go up to somebody like that

He's obviously very successful He's staying in a five star hotel

Your suite's ready

Oh, happy day, Margaret

I see your bell's fixed

Oh, my God. You're a bellboy?

But you're a great actor You belong on Broadway

I will be

This weekend I'm picking up a brunch shift at the Times Square Howard Johnson's

That's funny

I once picked up something from a Howard Johnson I met in Times Square

That's why I hate the word "ointment"

Hey, look, this has a video of all the stuff we can do here. Ah

Look at this one of the moon reflecting off the lake. It's gorgeous

Wait, the moon's reflecting off the lake I can't see the TV

God, it's so great to get out of the city and just appreciate nature

Yeah, watching all this fresh air can really build up an appetite. Come on

Let's order room service

Oh, I think we can do a little bit better than room service

Check that menu. I don't think you'll find an herb chevre and caramelized onion panini

Oh, a new special from Chez Gay!

Yeah, I put 'em in your bag just before we left

I woulda put 'em in my bag, but your bag already smelled like cheese

- I'll get it - No, no, no, I'll get--

Oh, that's curious

This bread is as hard as our answering machine

How did that get in there?

Every time I reach for my keys, I always grab an appliance

Grace

Okay, I--

I just wanted to see if I could... get clear on what Leo was saying

What are you expecting to hear?

That he's actually gonna be on that rooftop at 9:00 tomorrow night?

Fine. Let's say that he is gonna be there

- Then what? - What do you mean?

Do you wanna go meet him?

I mean, you could've gotten back with him any time in the last six months, but you didn't

So what's changed?

- Nothing - Nothing's changed

- You're right - I am

Because the romance and the moonlight and the anniversary don't make a bit of difference

I know. It's just--you know, the sound of his voice just was really--

I don't know, it just instantly brought me back to...

No. No, no. I am not gonna get sucked back into this again

You're right. You know what? I'm gonna get rid of this message right now

Hey! You didn't have to throw it out!

Yeah, well, you didn't have to throw out the blender just 'cause there was a spider in it

It hissed and adopted an attack posture!

You hissed and adopted an attack posture

Don't worry We'll get a new machine

It won't be the same I was saving a message from Vince

Now all the swans in the lake are gonna know he calls me "fluffer-nutter"

Wow, a gay network

20 years ago, the closest we had was "Cagney and Lacey"

Well, let me tell you, we've come a long way

Now there's an entire network devoted to reruns of "Cagney and Lacey"

Hey, Jack

Ah, Jimmy. He's my arch nemesissy

Did you hear the good news? I found the perfect spokesman for Out TV

Oh, dear, is there a pay phone around?

I need to call Ho-Jo's and get back on the sub list

Actually, I already found someone

It's the Sinfully Delicious Cocoa Devil

Who could possibly be a better camp icon from the '70s?

Let me just say again, Rip...

how trilled, honored and excited we all are to have you as the face of Out TV

Oh, I'm excited myself!

I can finally afford some new confetti

Ah, excuse me, Jamie I don't mean to interrupt

I believe I found the spokesperson for Out TV

Here's my head shot

I know the haircut's a bit outdated, but

at the time, the Dorothy Hamill look was all the rage

No, no, I remember you. You're the guy from the cocoa commercial

I also did three years at Williamstown,

two seasons at the Guthrie, and spent a winter at the Old Vic

Uh, look, nobody's concerned about your prison time here

We just look at talent

Rip, sorry, but we have to let you go

How dare you!

And if you think you can get any more confetti, you're not

Who am I kidding?

Can you give me a lift to the bus stop, please?

Good work, Jack

But I feel bad about the way I treated Rip

I'm gonna let him shake out the three-hole punch before he leaves

I love the local news. It's so uplifting

Those two old apple farmers lost everything in the fire

and, yet, somehow managed to persevere

Grace, you have to pay attention The crystal meth lab in their barn exploded

Still, we should send money

- I'm tired - Yeah, me too

This is great

It's so nice to be in a bed with sheets

Thank you, Will

For making me get rid of that message, being so rational

You're welcome

I wish I could turn off my feelings like you

I'm just a big soppy romantic

- Well, I have my romantic side too - Yeah

What? I do

I know, and I think it's great that you think you do

Sweetie, I'm just say how grateful I am

to have a best friend who makes decisions based on logic not emotion

Well, it's not like I have no emotions

I mean, just because my Grandma taught me that God hates boys who show emotion

doesn't mean that I'm a robot

It's good

This whole Leo thing...

whether or not he wanted to meet me

If so, do I go, do I want to? What does it all mean? I mean, I--

I woulda kept my foot in that door forever

Mooning about what might be on the other side

And you, you shut that door and locked it

- I wouldn't say I shut-- - No, you did

And thank you for making the decision for me

I'm gonna sleep easy tonight

Good night, Fluffer-nutter

Honey, look at you in that headset You look like a high-powered TV exec

Or someone who's about to hand me a shake

Ooh, I'm getting something

Yes, hello? Yes, hello? Yes, hello

Yes, the talent is in make-up, and he'll be with you in five minutes

He's a little behind I was in make-up before him

Honey, do you think Winter White is a good color for Rosario's saddlebag?

Feels so good to be wearing pancake again

And not serving it at the International House Of

Now may I see the script?

Oh, no, no. Heh-heh

There's no script It's just two lines. Yeah

I need you to look the camera lens right there. I need you to say

"Watch Out TV."

Watch Out TV I like that, it's smart

Yes, yes, yes "It's sinfully delicious."

I won't say that It's demeaning

No, it's not

Now put on your horns and your Dorothy Hamill wig and dance for your 50 bucks

I can't. I can never say those words again

What are you talking about? Why do you think we hired ya?

Because I'm a classically trained actor

- I played Hamlet, Willy Loman, Iago - All in your cocoa devil outfit?

Just Iago

The world only knows me as a four-inch tall demon

superimposed on Gabe Kaplan's shoulder

Sure, I won a Clio and drove a brand new Mazda 626

But, like most actor in popular TV commercials, I became addicted to heroin

But worst of all, I never got another job

No one could ever see me as anything but that damn Cocoa Devil

All right, come on, let's go, guys We're on a tight schedule

We have to get that video camera back to PS 185 by 4:00 or my nephew gets suspended

You're sinfully delicious!

wait and see him with his pitchfork--

Listen you!

I don't care about your sad life!

You are gonna come up here You're gonna stand there

And you're gonna look into the camera, and you're gonna do this commercial

because there's 114 viewers who need to point at the screen and go,

"Oh, look, it's that guy from that thing, I think"!

I see

Just give me a moment to prepare

Honey, you were so manly

The way you were hissing and spitting at him like that

Karen, what you've just witnessed is

the second definition of a tonguelashing at this network

It's not pretty. But it's effective

It sure was

Look what it's done for Cocoa D

He's running like a man half his age

Oh, my God!

Karen, what do I do? This is devastating

I can't breathe

Everything's spinning I'm hearing voices

Oh, right--yes, hello. Yes, hello?

Grace?

Grace!

- Bacon's ready - Is it burnt? I like it burnt

Listen, last night when I made that big decision for you,

I didn't, right? I mean, you-- You made it

Not really. It was all you

But I mean, Karen and Jack weighed in too, right?

Oh, please. Karen and Jack?

You think I'm gonna trust my love life to Vampira and the Adult Toddler?

But you do listen to them

Sweetie, half the time I don't listen to myself

I don't have to. I have you

You're always so certain

- I'm not certain - What?

I'm not certain

What do you mean? If you weren't certain why did you sound so certain?

I always sound certain I talk that way on purpose

to seem smarter and hide my insecurities My real voice is more like this!

Okay. No, no Will, what you said made sense

Whether Leo's there or not, it doesn't matter Nothing's changed

- Stop saying what I said! - Well, you were right

- Well, I'm not certain! - About what?

About anything

A-a-a-about whether he'll be there, or if you should be there

Or-Or if you two are destined to be together Or if chocolate is a mood enhancer

'cause it's never made me feel anything but regret

Will, don't worry. You don't have to be certain, 'cause I am

It's about time I grew up and started making some sane rational choices

Listen to yourself. Sane? Rational? That's not you

You're crazy

You're the girl who took off her top at a Journey concert and threw it at the stage

Twice!

Because they didn't notice the first time

Look, if you are not on that rooftop at 9:00 tonight

you're gonna spend the rest of your life wondering whether or not he showed up

because I talked you out of it

Sweetie, don't flatter yourself I've got a mind of my own

This is my decision

- Really? - Yes

Trust me. I know what I want

Okay. Huh. Okay

Look, I'm gonna go sign us up for tree tapping

They teach you how to make maple syrup

I'll pass. This is my last morning with sheets for awhile

Margaret, please, I need my job back

Doesn't 11 years of covering your affair mean anything to you?

I'll take it from here, Margaret We're still on for 3:00, right?

I'm sorry I ran out like that, but I won't go back

I've got a good thing going here

A job at a nice hotel, a three-speed bicycle, and a room at the Y

No doubt you're living the dream

But let me tell ya a little story

Between my first and second marriages,

I did what many girls in my position do...

I backpacked through Japan, Vietnam, and Bhutan

One day while was worshipping in silence at the Golden Temple in Kyoto,

I was discovered by a commercial director

Hmm. Long story short,

I became the face of "Atooshi Kodki!"

The energy drink of today's youth

It was a health drink... chock-full of vitamins, minerals, and 22 grams of nicotine

Anyway, I became a sensation

Everywhere I went, I was mobbed by Japanese people

Fortunately, it was right around the time they invented pepper spray

And you lost your entire sense of self

Exactly

However, years later when they discovered that nicotine was dangerous

and replaced it with Ephedra and trace amounts baby laxative

they offered me another commercial But I said no

And that is a decision I have regretted ever since

But why? You checked into a hotel just to pee

- It seems like you have everything - Not everything!

I would trade it all for the chance to be famous again

It is the greatest thing any human can achieve

You are never closer to God than when you are on television

Now you say it

- I don't think I can - Say it

- No - Say it, bitch

It's sinfully delicious

I knew you'd be here

Hi

You know you went out for maple syrup 12 hours ago

What are you doing?

I needed to know if he was gonna show up

Why?

Did you guys have plans for a romantic rendezvous, too?

I'm here

so that if any time in the future you start wondering if he came or not,

I'll have the answer

Oh...

Now I can't get mad at you for ditching me

I didn't ditch you. I took that awful bus so you could have the car

You left me the car?

Oops

Look...

I like that you pay all my bills, and you do all my laundry,

and make all my meals for me,

but you really don't have to ake care of me anymore

I feel like I do

Well, you don't

Although on our way out, I do need $675 for the taxi

What about you? What are you doing here?

- I came to take you home - Really?

Not 'cause you wanted to see if he'd show?

Nope Just for you

Let's go

So what are you gonna make me for dinner?

Dinner? I thought I didn't have to take care of you anymore

Baby steps, Will

Hmm, guess it's not too late to glaze a ham

Karen, thank you so much The spot went great

I owe you a big favor Anything you ever need, just ask

- Well, honey, in that case-- - No! Will you get off my back, woman?

Atooshi Kodki! Atooshi Kodki!

Come on!

Karen, I don't understand. Why are Japanese people always so into you?

I have no idea, honey