Original subtitles

Why are you doing that at the table and not at your lighted vanity like a real man?

Ha ha, very funny Two of the bulbs are burned out

You really went to town with those clippers today

There's enough hair on the bathroom floor to make a shawl

What's with all the man-scaping?

Vince and Nadine are coming to dinner tomorrow night

I just wanna look my best

Plus, I'm sick of getting stopped at airports

I think it is so cute that Vince has his own Grace

I just hope she's not put off by how pretty I am

Oh, I think she'll be fine

I don't know. I'm lovely

Oh, God, this damn thong is riding up so high I feel it in my throat

Yeah, look, Grace, Nadine is a sweet, lovely girl. Whereas you're--

more of a, of a thong up the ass girl. And--

Just try to make a good impression

Don't you worry about me I will be a delight

Oh, dear God, you've over-tweezed again

Let me look at you Nope, can't be saved. My advice:

put two chopsticks in your hair, wear a kimono, and speak only when spoken to

Oh, listen, I'm glad you're here

Um, I'm having a dinner tomorrow night and it's really important that it goes well

Say no more We won't show up

Thank you

Karen, why haven't you returned my calls?

I've, I've called you, like, a dozen times

Please tell Grace that I quit, and I am not speaking to her

Please tell Karen I'm Grace

I trust you'll see that she gets the message

I'd tell her, Karen, but I don't know when I'm gonna get a chance

Karen, I am sorry I took credit for your work

I don't know what else I can do

I apologized. I had flowers delivered

I even sent you those Entenmann's chocolate donuts sprinkled with Xanax

Tell Grace, that even though it was the perfect gift, it's too late

Last night I accepted a new position

Then... after my date left

- I got a call about a new job - What?

Kare's going to my new assistant at Out TV

Unfortunately, I was forced to release my old assistant, David, from his post

Somebody saw him tied to the post and complained

Come on, Karen You can't be serious

Well, I am And please tell Grace,

if she has any thing further to say to me she can say it to my face!

Oh, and would you tell Grace I actually prefer the custard style yogurt? Thank you

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Thank you for giving me this job

This is gonna be a lot more fun than sitting around the house poking Rosie with a stick

and being depressed that I'm not working for Grace anymore

Oh, honey, it's going to so much more fun working here with you

Quit it! Stop!

I take my job very seriously

You can't goof around This is a very serious place of business!

Honey, I know. I can see that Look at the men!

Look how professional they look in their suits and ties

Uh, yeah, that's Yolanda

And he/she's one of the most ambitious executives here

But be careful around him/her, people say he/she's two-faced

Now. Let's get down to work

I need you to take these head-shots and call all these gay actors

and see if any of them would actually play gay

And then, I need you to something pretty complicated

I need you to take these folders and put them in that drawer in alphabetical order

Oh, honey, this one looks very talented

"Hi, I'm bland even gay actor."

I played homo-behind-counter in piece-of-crap, gay indie film

Ha ha! Ha ha! Karen, that's genius! That's never been done!

Get back to work!

All right, I'll file No more jokes

Thank you

Oh, honey, I'll get that for you

Jack McFarland's orifice

Ha ha! Boy, I can see I'm not gonna get any work done today!

My orifice is closed

Grace, this is Nadine, my better half

Nadine, this is Grace She lives with Will

Hi, you're so much prettier than the picture Will showed me of you at the pie eating contest

I've never been in a pie eating contest

It was Thanksgiving

Nadine, it's so great to meet you

Vince has told me so great things about you

Oh, that's sweet. Like what?

Oh, I wasn't really prepared for an example

But you seem nice!

Now, why would you go on and on about me like that?

Because you're my best friend You got a problem with that?

If I did, I guess I could always call the police

Right, huh?

She's so good with the jokes, I'm telling ya

Sometimes, I think she's funnier than me

Well, I watch a lot of Comedy Central

Oh, we're almost out of goat cheese and papaya quesadillas!

Oh, there's only one more

- Here you take it - No, you take it

- No, you take it - I'll take it

God, you guys are so nice to each other

- Will, they're so nice to each other - What?

- I said, they're so nice to each other - I can't hear you! What?

You were so busy clipping and snipping today,

what'd you forget the hair in your ears?

I'm getting something out of the oven! What do you want?

Ah, forget it I don't even care anymore

Aw, jeez, I got papaya on my cuff

Dad was right I can't have nice things

Aww! Hey, hey! Shhh! Take a deep breath

We'll run it under cold water

Thanks for saving me from myself again

You see how nice they are with each other?

- And all we're doing is bickering - Ah, suck it

- It's normal- No, it's not

Nadine is polite and considerate

And she doesn't eat like she's trying to win a stuffed animal at a carnival!

What, so you want me to be more like Nadine?

Yeah. Like a lot more

Please! Nadine's not even like Nadine

- What are you talking about? - No one is that sweet and nice

She's like a Stepford Hag

Underneath it all, I guarantee you, she's as annoyed by Vince as I am by you

- Well, you're wrong - No, I'm right

What the hell is the matter with you? Not everybody is phony, Grace

Did we miss anything?

Yeah, I was just telling Grace how much I love her

Hi, Karen. Um, I didn't notice,

but the guys in accounting said this one-page deal memo has 72 mistakes on it

Well, honey, that's because I was typing with my boobs

Karen! You can't type with your boobs!

It's unprofessional

Unless, of course, I dictate with my bellybutton--

"Please take a memo, Miss Walker"

"Dear employees...

"From now on, the network will be known as Outie TV."

- Uh, Jack? - "Yeees?"

Oh, hey, Tim Great stubble today

Thanks, half of it's pencil

Can I talk to you outside for just a second?

Listen, uh, I don't know what's going on in there,

but we got a big presentation today This is crunch time!

No, I already did my crunches. It just looks flabby 'cause I was holding it like this

Jack, Jack, Jack, I'm a little concerned about you and your new assistant

It seems like you're not getting any work done

Well, it's hard because she's my best friend

Jack, this is work

If you can't keep that separate from your social life

you're gonna have to let her go But just be careful how you do it

As a gay network, we have to be extremely sensitive

We don't want anything that resembles sexual harassment here, handsome

This is a lovely dinner, Will

This dressing you made is light, but flavorful

Well, thank you!

Yeah, the chicken's great, Will

Well, I can't take credit for the bone marrow

I wish I was as good a cook as Will Or my dad

But, you know what they say

Firemen are more cooks, policemen are more seamstresses

Oh, that's not true You make a great sauce

I get so upset when you're down on yourself

You know, Nadine, to see how supportive you are of Vince

it's just, I find it very refreshing

Well, what kind of a friend would I be, if I didn't support him in everything he does?

I don't know, Nadine, what kind of a friend would you be?

Okay. You know what? Let's play a game Will and I like to call

"What Annoys Me About My Best Friend" I'll go first

Will, those pants make you loook like you have a vagina!

Nadine, you're next

Oh, that's easy. Nothing

Come on, Nadine, there's gotta be something

- No, nothing - Oh, not so fast

On that second nothing, I could have sworn I saw Nadine's lip quiver

That true? Did your lip quiver?

What? There is something?

Did you hear that, Will? There is something

If there was a bone that you hadn't sucked to the size of a pin,

I'd knock you over the head with it

Come on, Nadine. You gotta tell me I'm startin' to freak out

No, not in front of them

Oh, man, this must be bad

Hey, what? Is it my crazy, yellow toenail?

Is it that my mom still sleeps over when I'm sick?

She what?

- No, it's none of them - Come on, Nadine

No. I wanna stop now

Nadine, come on, tell me

- No! / I'm not gonna let up - Now, wait...

- Tell me - This is just a little ridic--

- Tell me - Okay! I hate Will!

You what?

You're obnoxious and overbearing and your food is too pretentious

I mean, even your chicken had a swiss-charred vest

And you're too groomed

If your eyebrows were tweezed any more, you'd be Nicole Kidman!

I can't even stand to look at you for one more second!

Thank you for the lovely evening

Wow. I was sure she was gonna say that mother sleeping over thing

Hey, Vince. Just checking to see if you got home yet

Hey, how funny was Nadine tonight?

That whole bit about hating me, then running out of here

Heh... On the upside, you're dating Nicole Kidman!

Hey, honey. Sorry I'm late The office was crazy

I guess the kids are asleep Did you keep my dinner warm?

Jack, I am not your wife And you can call if you're gonna be late!

There's a plate with tinfoil on in the oven / Thank you

Well, I've had quite a day here too Nadine--

Please!

Can't I just sit down and take a load off before you start in on me!

My boss is on my case

He says I gotta have a more professional relationship with my secretary,

or else I have to fire her

He gave me an old tomato

"Old tomato?"

Yeah, when you have to do one thing or the other?

You have to eat it or throw it

Old tomato

Oh, I see. I was confused, 'cause you know,

I-- I pronounce it old to-mah-to

Well, I can see you're not going to be any help

And you wonder why I sleep with men before I come home

Hey

How you feeling?

It's been an hour and a half

I just thought I'd give you that time to cool down

Yeah, you also gave me just enough time to do all the cleaning up

Oh, did it work out that way?

What were you thinking? Why couldn't you leave well enough alone?

Will, I am sorry, but trust me Everything's gonna be okay

No, it's not. You know the old saying:

If the hag hates you, the fag don't date you!

I know, but don't worry

'Cause I--I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I know how to fix this

- No, no, no, you've done quite enough - No, but if I go--

Grace? Promise me you won't do any thing

Okay, I promise

Thank you

Come on, help me clean up here There's still a few pots left

Okay, I hear you. Sounds like you need a couple more minutes alone

Oh, my God Honey, that was so much fun

Startling the lesbians in the lunchroom

Oh, my God, Karen, that was so funny!

You're fired

- What? Why? - Because, Karen, I can't do this

I love you but,

I can't get anything done with you around You're too much fun

Oh, I should have just hired Will

All right, I know how to be all business

Okay, let's get right to the bottom line I would like to stay

I'm sorry, Karen. No

How 'bout now? / No Now? / No

Welcome to OutTV!

Nice doing business with you, Miss Walker

My pleasure, Mr. McFarland

Before we get back to work, Kare... Can I just say something to you as a friend?

I think you should back to Grace

You guys have it all figured out How to be colleagues and friends

I mean, you're really happy over there I think you should go back

Oh, Jackie. I wish I could, but I can't I have too much pride

There's no way I could go back there and keep my dignity

Just do what my mother did

when she'd come home from the factory and catch me wearing her makeup

Honey, I can't stare at Grace and scream, "Why aren't you a real boy?"

- It wouldn't make any sense - No

- Pretend it never happened - No, Jackie, I can't

There's nothing you can do to change my mind

Really?

- How 'bout now? - Done

Hi, Grace

Hey, Nadine Thanks for meeting me

I was sort of surprised to hear from you after what happened the other night

I don't know where all that anger came from

Thank God I have the new Norah Jones to calm me down

Well, that's why I wanted us to meet

So, I could tell you that none of that changes how I feel about you or Vince

I think you're super, and Vince is so sweet

He is... like sugar, wrapped in honey, dipped in hugs

Yeah, you wanna hear something funny about him? / Sure!

- You will never have him - What? Excuse me?

You will never have him

He's gay, you're straight

He will never change, no matter how many boyfriends you scare off

Okay, I know what's going on here You're just mad

because I said I hate your dippy little fancy chicken friend

- Deal with it - You will never have him

- Stop! Stop saying that! - I know you, Nadine

You hope that Vince being gay is just a phase

You fantasize that Will dies in a car crash

and that you're the only one who could comfort Vince

Until one night, that comfort turns into unbridled love-making

You're wrong! It was a plane crash

Don't you see? I know you, because I was you

But we're just so perfect together

I mean, he's the one who loves me for who I really am

Sad

Look, there are tons of guys out there

And eventually one is going to fall in love with you

Not because of who you are, but because of what you look like

A guy who sees you primarily as a pretty face and a hot body he wants to screw

You deserve that!

Thank you, Grace

You might be right!

And you know what?

I don't think I'm gonna give myself little cuts on my leg today

You know what that's called, Nadine?

Growth

Oh, you're back

Vince is on his way over I was just in the bathroom

gluing hair back on my eyebrows

Better. You look more like Jennifer Connelly now

Hey, guys. Will, I just spoke with Nadine

She feels really awful about what happened

Yeah, said it was to some side effects from combining paxil, Nicorette, and grapefruit

She thinks my meals are pretentious

Anyway, turns out she likes you a whole lot

She was gonna come down here with me right now,

but some guy in the subway said, "Nice ass" and she went home with him

So unlike her

Sex with a stranger on public transportation?

That girl's gonna be okay

- So, we're okay? - Always

And, Hey, Grace?

Nadine said she had a great time with you at coffee

and I just wanna thank you from the bot--

Crud, how'd I get smuts on this shirt, already?

Dammit, my father gave me this shirt He set me up to fail!

Coffee? What did you do? I thought I told you not to do anything?

I know, I'm sorry I just felt that she really--

She really needed to know the truth...

That you are a wonderful, loving, compassionate man

And she should count herself blessed to have you in her life

Aw... So you're not gonna tell me?

Not gonna tell you

- Thank you - Back off

you're never gonna have me

Ugh. Sorry I'm late, honey That took forever

The lines at the drugstore were crazy

Okay. Here's your tab and your Gee Your Hair Smells Terrific

Wow, that was a long line Started in 1975

What? What are you talking about? I was gone, like, 10 minutes

- Karen, are we gonna pretend that we-- - Honey, listen, I'd love to stand around

and chat with ya all day long, but you've got work to do

And this new pill splitter isn't gonna break itself in

I missed you

Wow. Clingy much?

Girl can't even take a break without a freak-out

I missed you too, honey