Original subtitles

Vince, hurry up!

Your boyfriend's in the shower for 20 minutes

Of all the cops you could have dated you hook up with "Dirty Mary."

Grace, he's a gay catholic He may never feel clean

Whoo-Ha?

Frosting for breakfast?

Any chance of slathering this on some cold pizza?

I'm just practicing my piping for my birthday cake

And breaking in the new pastry bag--

Will, no! You've got to stop buying pastry bags

No matter how many of these you buy

you cannot frost the pain of your childhood away

Grace, I'm not trying to frost the pain of my childhood away

I'm trying to frost away the pain of every sad, crappy birthday I ever had

I mean, What kind of monsters give a 10-year-old boy a baseball mitt

when what he asked for was an autographed 8x10 of Chita Rivera?

You have had some lousy birthdays

Remember the year we went to James Taylor

and that drunk roadie peed on you?

Hmm, yeah. Ironically during "Shower the People."

You know that I'm actually looking forward to my birthday this year?

I mean look at me. I got a great job good friends, clean boyfriend

I think if I ever had a shot at breaking this streak of bad birthdays, this is it

Yeah, well, the bar's pretty low

If you get a couple of decent presents and don't get peed on

it's the best one ever

I hope Vince gets me something good

His taste is a little suspect

Ya know, like when he got me those cufflinks... off a suspect

I'm not even allowed to wear them outside until the trial's over

Look how nice my hair looks. And now I gotta put a hat on?

I swear if this blue didn't make my eyes pop I'd be in sales

Finally

You're tellin' me! I've been waitin' all morning

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Jackie, where have you been?

- You know that I need to arrive last - I know. I'm sorry

Honestly!

Oh, God, honey, I'm sorry I'm late

Now, come on

Will's birthday's Friday, and we have to figure out what present to get him

Oh, honey. This Friday?

What's the matter, Karen?

Oh, Jackie. This Friday would have been Stan's birthday too

Stan had the same birthday as Will?

It's amazing how many fatties are Libras

- So you gonna be okay? - Yeah, come on

I barely paid attention to Stan's birthday while he was alive

I'm certainly not gonna start worrying about it now

So what are we gonna get for lady gay?

Well, I am Will's best friend,

and he is one of my closest casual acquaintances

So... I'm gonna go all out for him

Okay, I'm gonna have you spend $40,000 on a gift and put my name on the card

Okay

- Hi-ya - Hey!

I said "hi-ya" How could that have scared you?

Whoa, I'm a New York cop I don't get scared

Unless it's dark and I'm in car 82 which they say is haunted

So... what are you up to? Doin' a little shopping?

Shopping for Will? What are you gettin' him?

I'm not telling you You'll just poo-poo it

Pardon my French

You have to tell me,

'cause I have to tell you whether or not it blows

Grace, I think I know what my boyfriend likes

We've been going out for six months

I've known him for, like, 20 years

We've had phone calls that lasted six months

Well, I'm in a commited relationship with him / So am I

- I shave his ears - I shaved his legs

- I've the man naked, Grace - I've seen him naked and crying

Ya know what? I've slept with him

Okay, look, if I didn't turn him gay

we wouldn't be having this conversation So I win

All right, fine

- I'm giving him the key to my apartment - Blows

You blows! He'll love it!

Look, I'm just to help you out here, okay?

I happen to know that Will has really high expectations for this birthday

So, whatever you're gonna get him it has to be really good

Not some cheap key

I'm gonna put it on a nice key chain

Oh, that's great. Everyone loves a $1 thing hanging off of a $10 thing

Look, I'm telling you do not give him that key

It's a mistake

How about that wallet you looked at sniffed, and put back?

You been following me?

Of course! You know, I remember thinking

"That's weird. That mannequin's eating a french fry."

Okay, look, this wallet is the perfect gift

Ya know what, Grace?

I'm sorry you wasted your afternoon stalking me

but I'm going with the key

And by the way, you might have made him gay

but I made him good at it

Oh, my God. This cake is beautiful Where did you buy it?

Actually, I made it

You did not make those rosettes

Will, you have outdone yourself... if you really made it

I did. I swear

Do we have to do that every year?

Hey, guys

Oh, Grace, you look fantastic

- Did you get a facial? - I did not

I don't believe it You are positively glowing

and your skin is fresher than our little Hannah's

I guess I have good genes

God, they're so much work

Ah, what do we have here?

One Jack, three queens, and an old maid

I don't know what game we're playing, but deal me in

Well, the clown's here It's officially a party

Will, happy birthday, buddy. Listen

About your gift

I know, um, Karen and I have given you some doozies in the past

but I think this year you're really gonna love it

Doozies?

Like when you said you were giving me scuba lessons

then handed me a bucket of chum and pushed me off Karen's boat?

- Jack! You up for some baby pictures? - I always am

This is me at six months...

- You having fun? - Yes, so far so good

Can't wait to see what Vince got me

Yeah, but you know, that's just a thing

I mean isn't the real gift the fact that you have a boyfriend?

- What do you know? - Nothing

Grace

I can't tell you what the present is Then it would ruin it

I'll just say that it's cheap and unimaginative

- Well, then I don't wanna know - It's the key to his apartment

- What? Oh, my God - I know, it blows

A key? That is so romantic!

- You like it? - I love it!

It's a mature step in our relationship

I can't wait to trace it in my journal tonight

Hey, hey, keep it down in here! We got a noise complaint

Vince, you do that every time you enter a room

and it's always funny

Great, now there's three of 'em

Hey, guys, this my partner Ralph

Ralph, this is my boyfriend Will and our friends

Hi

This is my first homosexual party

So I'm not sure how to act

Mind if I sit down, sir?

Oh, happy birthday, fruit

So, who we got here? Oh, Mo and Mary

Great, I won't have to take a sleeping pill tonight

Lord, all these gays in one room

Grace, you must be in hag heaven

Uh, I'm not gay

Ooh, hurray for my side

Everybody, this my friend Karen

For those of you with guns free to take the safeties off

Karen, where have you been? I've been waiting for you

Oh, honey, I'm so glad you're here

Because this day has been so rough

My heart is beating a mile a minute-- Feel

- I don't feel anything - Shh, wait

There it is

There it is again

Oh, my God, Karen It's racing! What's wrong?

Honey, today is Stan's birthday and I just wish I could be with him today

I miss him so much I need to calm down--

Oh, thank God, I think it stopped

Everybody, I think I'm ready to open my gifts now

Ooh, ooh, ooh, start with ours Start with ours

Will, prepare to be amazed

Karen, where is it?

Honey, I didn't get him anything I was feeling sad about Stan!

This is humiliating!

And now everybody's staring at me!

Think, McFarland, think

You're a hot-shot network executive who was recently reprimanded for thinking out loud

I've got it! Will?

Yes, Jack

- Um, I've put a lot of thought behind this - Yes, I heard it

And I've decided, in honor of your birthday, my gift to you...

is my eternal friendship

Thank you

Does anyone have anything for me that I can actually open?

Oh, crap

We gotta go. 91st and Amsterdam Looks like a 187

That's a homicide, I think 187 go to heaven

Yeah, it's a homicide

Well, uh, see ya. Um, I wanna tell everybody here that I loved Moulin Rouge

- I should probably get goin' too - Well, wait--

Wait, you didn't give me your gift yet Which I know I'm gonna love

Sit down. Come on and open it now

I hate being the first one to these things anyway

I'm so excited!

It's a... wallet

I love it. Thank you

Look, it's Gucci The good kind with two Cs

Yeah, I know

Well, I'd better go

Perps ain't gonna chase themselves Unless they're dogs

Good one!

Bye. See ya

A wallet? I thought you said he was giving me a key

What could have happened to change his mind?

Will, I've gotta be totally honest with you

- I think I know what happened - You do?

Ralph talked him out of it

Don't be sad. I mean, maybe he's gonna give you the key at Christmas

Like in honor of Joseph and Mary who lost their room key

and had to give birth in a barn

Yes, that's my favorite Bible story, too

When the blessed Virgin checked into the Bethlehem Ramad

and left her purse at the pool

Well, maybe this is a good thing

Well, you said you're happy with the way things are

Yeah, and the way things are is that I was supposed to get a key

Another lousy birthday

I don't know why I get my hopes up

Who wants brie?

Where did Vince say he was going?

Well, he's Italian

So my guess would be the Olive Garden

91st and Amsterdam

I remember because I thought he said "Hamsterdam"

which is a country I've always wanted to go to-- Oh

Will, I can tell you're very upset

So... I got you this key

This is the key to my apartment

Whoa, slow down there, cowboy. Okay?

You're not getting the one to my place

Oh, hey, car 74 just got here

Those guys are crazy

I'm gonna go say hi

- Hi-ya - Aah!

Jeez, Grace, you freaked me out.

I thought we had another haunted car.

Um, look, Will really hated the wallet. You have to give him the key.

Did he look inside the wallet?

Oh, is the key inside the wallet?

No, I put a coupon for a kiss inside the wallet

That is so queer

Okay, now, look, you've got to give him the key

He's not gonna have a birthday until he gets it

First admit that I know Will better

Oh, this is ridiculous This isn't a competition

Isn't it?

Look, Will's happiness is the only thing that matters right now

and that is dependent on him getting the key

Right, which is dependent on me giving it to him

Which is dependent on you admitting that I know Will better

Your move

I'm out

You know him better

- All right, I'll give him the key - Thanks

Oh, one more thing...

Can you read this out loud please?

- "Grace knows Will better." - That's very big of you to admit

I'm a fool, Jack

I never celebrated Stan's birthday while he was alive

And now he's gone

I guess I just always figured there'd be next year

I guess you just don't expect to lose something that big

I mean, how could a house boat just not be there anymore?

Hey, guys, come on

I had to light my own candles pour the champagne

and start singing "Happy Birthday" to myself

Could someone at least, cut the cake?

Of course, Will

Not like that! Give me

Yes, enjoy your champagne God forbid anyone should make a toast

You know, Will's angry muttering has given me an idea

I'd like to make a toast

Well, thank you

On this day, a very, very great man was born

Stanley Walker!

Jackie, you don't have to do this It's too late. He's gone

Karen, just because somebody's dead

doesn't mean you can't celebrate their birthday

It's never too late

Look at George Washington

I never paid attention to him when he was alive

but now I get a day off of work

Gosh, I guess that's true

I mean nobody's ever really forgotten

After all, I still roll into the ditch on Stan's side of the bed every night

Karen, let's make a vow

Every year on this day on we'll do something to celebrate Stanley Walker

Okay, from now on this day is about Stanley Walker!

And nobody else!

I'd like to say something, if I may

This is the worst birthday I have ever had

I had to throw myself a party

I didn't get the key I wanted

And now, instead of toasting me

everyone is toasting my fat dead client

Whoop-dee-freakin'-doo!

Where have you been?

It's not fair you get to leave this party and I don't

I'm so glad Hannah spent two weeks making an ashtray for this jackass

Great news. You're getting your key

- You're kidding - I know, isn't it great?

It took a lot of convincing but he came around

Happy birthday! Yay!

Wa--wa--wait. What do you mean?

You had to convince my boyfriend to give me a key?

Oh, just for a second, I mean--

Don't worry about it He's totally okay with it

Okay with it?

No, he's excited

He's gonna swing by and drop it off

Drop it off?

This is supposed to be a representation

of our commitment to one another, not a pizza

- Hi - Vince, change of plans

Wait, I memorized this and I gotta get it out

My shift's over Here's the key to my apartment

- I'm sorry. I don't think I can take it - Excuse me?

You didn't think enough of me to give it to me in the first place

so I don't want it

Hey. Anybody wanna take my chopper to Atlantic City to celebrate Stanley day?

I'd love to, but we've only got the sitter until 11

It's your mother She can stay till morning

Why are you so afraid of her?

Will, happy birthday, friend

And believe me when I say this from the bottom of my heart...

I'm gonna take this wallet. Heh heh...

Ooh, a free kiss

Hey, what's your problem?

- I know you want the key - I did want the key

Until Grace told me that she had to talk you into giving it to me

She only had to talk me into it because she first talked me out of it

Grace talked you out of it?

She told me that Ralph talked you out of it

- Why would she do that? - I don't know

Why the hell does she do anything?

She's crazy

- See ya tomorrow! - Wait, wait. Hold the phone

Why would you do something like that?

- Yeah, you almost ruined everything - What the hell is wrong with you?

I am so sorry

Please... Don't be mad at me

I was just trying to help I hate that you're mad at me

Don't try fake crying with us

Yeah, that only works on straight guys

Fine

But this isn't my fault

If anything, I should be mad at you!

Oh, please, the angry flip?

Yeah, that's not gonna fly either

Okay

Look, I'm-- I'm sorry

I thought Will didn't want the key

Obviously, I was wrong

But by then I had already told you and then you didn't give him the key

And then he was really sad

And all I wanted was for him to be happy

And now I'm crying real tears

No, you're not

Okay, look

The thing is, is that I did all of this

because all I wanted was for you to have the best birthday ever

Well, that's all I wanted

And somehow the whole thing went horribly, horribly wrong

Will it help if I gave you the key?

Yes, it would

Aw...

All 'cause of me

I've arranged for a little gift for you Come on

The kind of gift only Karen Walker can give

We're ready for you

When you get caught between the moon and New York City

I know it's crazy, but it's true

- Arthur, he does as he pleases-- - That's enough, thank you

Oh, good, a 20 I'll put it in my "Kill Miss Karen" fund