Original subtitles

[Trinity logo chimes]

[gentle music]

- So technically we have a joint income.

I mean, like, we don't have individual salaries.

- We're business partners.

- So as you can see,

you get a really good amount of space with this one.

- Yeah, it's a lot bigger than I thought it would be actually.

- [Estate agent] Yeah, the photos

really don't do it justice.

[gentle music continues]

- Um, I would say for now, if you just split the income 50/50.

[Alyssa scoffs]

Or however you'd like.

- Yeah, do you mind if I take some photos actually?

- No, please go ahead.

- Thank you.

50/50 is fine.

What do you think, Lyss?

- Yeah, I like it.

- What is it you both do?

- Video production.

We're, uh, videographers.

- Oh, must be interesting.

- Hmm, yeah, we love it.

[gentle music continues]

Um, do you mind if we just have a chat about it for a minute?

- What kind of videos do you make?

- Of course.

I'll call the office about the service charge.

- Amazing. Thank you.

Lots of different things.

You know, weddings, commercial stuff, that kind of thing.

- Oh. Very nice.

- What do you want to talk about, cupcake.

[Alyssa panting]

[gentle music continues]

[both panting]

- How's it look?

- What did I tell you about covering my boobs?

You're costing us money.

- Well, maybe if you got the boob job

they'll be harder to cover up then, wouldn't they?

- [scoffs] Prick.

- How much did you put it up for?

- 20.

- It's a bit short for that, innit?

- Tell me about it.

[Johnny chuckles]

- Did you want to get caught?

- I mean, if it meant I finally got a fucking orgasm.

- Well, if your pussy wasn't so fucking tight.

- Then you wouldn't fucking be with me, would you?

- Well you can't fucking cook, can you?

- Because you'd let me.

You could have actually taken some pictures, by the way.

- Why? We're not moving there.

- Oh, so you've decided that, have you?

- Yeah. It's too far from my parents.

- [scoffs] Bonus.

- Would you move an hour away from your mum?

- Fuck off, dickhead, you know that's completely different.

- Of course it is.

Well, did you like it then?

- That's not the point, Johnny.

This is supposed to be a joint decision.

- Yeah, and that's my one fucking condition.

- Uh, what about your island fucking kitchen?

- I'm just saying, you've already got

the built-in wardrobes,

the ensuite, the garden,

the fucking walking distance for the gym.

It's already pretty disproportionate, isn't it?

- Is it?

- What's that supposed to mean?

- Nothing.

- No, go on, you've clearly got something on your mind.

- Nothing. Forget it.

- Come on, little miss porn star's clearly got a fucking

bone to pick.

- I'm just saying,

we wouldn't even be getting a house if it wasn't for me.

- So, actually,

I think I get to have all the fucking conditions I want.

- Yeah. No, you're right, to be fair, that's fair,

because I forget that you've been fucking yourself

this entire time.

- [sighs] No one's paying to see you, mate.

- It was your idea to start a camera in the first place,

wasn't it?

- I'm just saying.

- You're not the only one with fans, you know.

- What the fuck's that supposed to mean?

- It means we're a team.

It means it's not all about you.

You're fucking paranoid, do you know that?

[Johnny sighs]

Go on, check the fucking messages.

I ain't got nothing to hide.

You'll see what I'm talking about.

You'll see all the messages that I get

that I don't fucking reply to.

- Yeah, good, and I'll make sure I check the deleted ones, too.

Figured out how you get those back now.

- Come on. This is just stupid.

Come on, let's just find something to watch.

- No, I want to see this Johnny Gailsford fan club

I've heard so much about.

- You're not going to find anything.

[keys clacking]

Oh, for fuck's sake, Lyss.

- What's wrong? I thought you didn't have anything to hide.

- I don't.

You're wasting your time.

[keys clacking]

- What the fuck is this?

- What?

- What the fuck, Johnny?

- What?

- What is this message from Delicious Pictures?

- What message? I don't know.

- Are you fucking joking?

- No. What does it say?

- You know what it says, you fucking piece of shit.

- What the fuck are you talking about?

- I can't believe this.

I can't fucking believe it.

- They offered you a job?

- Oh, yeah, don't even try it, Johnny, I swear to Christ.

- I didn't fucking delete this!

- Everything I've done for you.

- You don't fucking give a shit, do you?

- Listen to me.

- We're supposed to be a team.

We're supposed to support each other.

- We are.

- And all you care about is sitting on your arse all day

playing fucking PlayStation.

- Oh, fuck you!

- Yeah, you got a good fucking deal, haven't you?

Not gonna let anything mess that up.

- I didn't fucking delete it!

- You're a selfish fucking prick.

- Just listen to me - Don't fucking touch me!

- Alyssa, I'm telling you the truth,

Alyssa! - Fuck you!

- Just wait! - Don't fucking touch me!

- What the fuck? You're not going to accuse me

and then storm off on another one of your fucking tantrums.

- Get out my fucking way!

- I didn't fucking delete it. Listen to me.

- Don't touch me!

- Why would I?

- I don't know.

Was it the idea of me leaving

or the idea you'd have to get a fucking job?

- Oh, you're a fucking psycho.

- Yeah, cause what would you do without me here

to suck your dick and pay the fucking bills, huh?

- Why would I hide it from you

when I know you'd never accept it?

When I know you never move that far away from your fucking mum.

Huh?

Yeah, think about that for a second.

You wouldn't move to fucking Hornchurch,

you're not gonna move to America, are you?

Right, I didn't delete it.

I swear, babe, I fucking promise.

Not on purpose, anyway.

- Get out the way, Johnny.

- Can we just talk about this please?

- Get out the way or I'm going to call the police.

- Oh, you're a fucking psycho.

I can't even have a conversation with you.

- You think you're so fucking smooth, don't you?

- Fuck you!

I didn't fucking delete it.

Fuck!

[gentle music]

[phone buzzes]

- Hey.

Yeah, I'm at a hotel.

I was just going to call you, actually.

Look, don't worry about it, all right, it's fine.

Yeah. I just need some time to myself.

No, no. I'm fine.

I just need some time to clear my head, you know?

You know, I think I might have overreacted.

Yeah, we'll talk about it tomorrow.

Yeah. Um, I'm just gonna chill, go to the gym, go shopping.

Mhm.

Yes, I'll let you know.

Okay, I promise.

Okay.

Good night.

- There we go, hon.

- Thank you.

- So, how's the house hunting coming along?

- Um.

Yeah, we're not having much luck so far.

- Where have you been looking?

Um, Finchwood area in Longley.

- Oh, well, that's far too far away anyway.

You can't just abandon me, Lyss.

And how's Jack, the lad?

He treating you right?

- He's doing his best.

- Hmm. He'd better be.

And work okay?

- Yeah. Work's good.

Um. Should be getting promotion soon, actually.

- Oh, wow.

Well done.

[gentle music]

[gentle music continues]

Hi.

- Ah. Hello.

[door closes]

- Hey.

- Hey.

- I'm sorry, cupcake.

I fucked up big time.

I can't believe how stupid I've been.

I looked at the email.

I remember seeing it.

I thought it was spam.

I'm a fucking idiot.

You were right.

And you didn't overreact.

I was fucking angry with myself

because I've let you down again.

And all I want to do is make you happy.

Because I know how lucky I am to have you,

as much of a twat as I am.

So if you want to talk about this job...

I don't give a shit about the job, Johnny.

I'm lucky too.

And I'm sorry too.

I just hate the idea of you lying to me.

- I know, I know.

I'm sorry.

[lips smack]

It was a mistake.

Promise.

- Yeah, when I calmed down,

I remembered what a dopey twat you are.

It's not an excuse, by the way.

- I know.

Come on.

I've got something I want to show you.

Stay there.

[they laugh]

I love you, cupcake.

- I love you, too.

[gentle music]

[Alyssa panting]

What did you end up going for?

- Everything whipped cream, maple syrup, ice lollies.

It's going to be a right fucking mess.

How much is that bloke paying anyway?

- 300.

- [laughs] Christ, what a dickhead.

- I'm not putting a fucking courgette up my vadge, Johnny.

- The courgette's for the chili.

[they laugh]

[background music plays]

[weight machines clanking]

- Excuse me.

- Hi.

- Um, do you think you can lower the bar for me, please?

- Have you been speaking to my ex?

- What?

- You know, like, lower the bar.

Never mind. it's just, It's a crap joke,

You know, like,

going out with me will lower the bar for future relationships

because I'm so terrible.

- Right. Okay.

Good one.

- And, and it's funny because obviously I'm such a catch.

- Yeah. I would never have got that.

- So you want me to...

- I mean, yeah, unless you've got any more jokes.

- I mean, that depends.

Would you laugh if I asked for your number?

[Alyssa scoffs]

Oh, okay.

[laughs] I mean, hey, that answers my question,

that's fine.

- Jeez, you don't hang around, do you?

- I mean, I've made a pretty disastrous first impression,

really, haven't I?

So I don't have much else to lose.

I'm Joel, by the way.

[music continues in background]

- Well, I don't usually give out my number, Joel.

Sorry.

- I guess I should have asked for your name first, anyway.

- Alyssa.

- Alyssa.

- Surname's Lamb.

Should save you some stalking time.

[Joel chuckles]

- Clarke. Ditto.

- Thanks.

So now, do you think you can lower the bar for me?

- Yes. Yes.

- Thank you. - No problem.

Just let me know if you need anything else.

- Will do.

[gentle music]

[gentle music continues]

- So this is the real icing on the cake for me.

- South-facing as well.

- Oh, is it south-facing - Mm-hm.

- South-facing, Lyss.

- [Alyssa] I'm just saying it's a big decision.

- What don't you like about it?

- Nothing.

- So what's the issue?

- That is the issue.

Shit's getting real, isn't it?

- So you just think we're doing this for the bants, then?

- Well, no, I'm just saying it's scary, isn't it?

It's 35 years.

- That's not the way to look at this, Lyss.

I think we should make an offer.

- I just don't think we should rush into anything.

- No, but you also said

that we shouldn't get married until we have a house,

so, I mean.

- God, okay. Let's just deal with one major decision

at a time, shall we?

- Is that a major decision then?

- You know what I mean.

- I just want my little wifey, cupcake.

I want my little wifey cupcake.

My own gaff where we can fuck all day get pissed

and argue about DIY.

It's gonna be lit.

It's gonna be fucking peng, mate.

And the icing on the cake is that

we're gonna live half an hour down the road from your mum.

- My mum isn't icing, dickhead.

- I know.

Listen, it could be perfect.

Yeah, well, I can tell you now there's gonna be no arguing

because you're going to do what I fucking tell you.

- Yes, dear.

- And besides, I mean, by the time we bought somewhere,

it's gonna take us at least two years to save for a wedding

with all the catering you're gonna fucking want.

- Yeah. Maybe we should think about that threesome again.

- You're a fucking dickhead.

- I'm joking. - No.

You are a fucking joke, mate.

For fuck's sake, Lyss.

- And you talk about getting fucking married.

- It was a fucking joke.

- Yeah, but it's not, though, is it?

Because if I agreed to that,

you'd actually want to do that, wouldn't you?

Fucking pathetic.

- Lyss, I meant because of the money.

- Why do you think I don't want to rush

into buying a fucking house with you?

- For fuck's sake, Lyss.

Alyssa!

[gentle music]

[gentle music continues]

- It's, uh, Clarke with an E, by the way,

in case you're having trouble finding me.

I mean, I assume that's why you've not slid into my DMs yet.

- Thanks. I'll make a note.

- Yeah. First name Clarke.

Second name Kent.

Kind of a big deal down at the Daily Planet.

Because I'm Superman.

- Yeah, I got it, thanks.

- Sorry. Didn't mean to mansplain,

you know, uh, to Supermansplain.

[Alyssa laughs]

- Yeah. So you must get that a lot, though, here,

like, mansplaining.

Like, you know, guys coming over here

trying to teach you how to work out.

It should have its own kind of like name, really, shouldn't it?

Like, in, like a kind of gym context,

you know, I feel like it's prevalent enough for that.

Like a specific word gymsplaining.

Trainsplaining.

No, because that sounds like

I'm trying to teach you about railways.

- How was your workout?

- It was good.

I, uh, found someone for our threesome, actually.

- Fuck's sake, I've already said I'm sorry, Lyss.

- No. I'm serious, Johnny, he goes to my gym.

Oh, did you want another girl?

Sorry, I didn't realise.

- I don't mind either way, actually.

- Cool.

Well, I said that we'd meet him tonight to discuss it, actually,

so...

- Amazing, can't wait to meet him.

Oh for fuck's sake, do you know what?

Actually, I've got football tonight, so, so I can't.

That's annoying, but you should go.

- Maybe I will.

- You should. - Yeah, maybe I fucking will.

- Maybe you fucking should.

[TV commentary in background]

[gentle music]

- I'm off now, babe.

See you later.

- [Alyssa] Okay.

[Johnny sighs]

[door closes]

[ambient restaurant chatter]

- So, um, is this where you, you know,

bring all the guys that you pick up from the gym.

- No, I usually just fuck them right there

in the changing rooms.

[Joel laughs]

- Wow, so what did I do wrong?

- Well, next time I get caught,

they're gonna take away my membership, so...

- Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Fair enough.

Uh, bloody health and safety.

[ambient restaurant music]

- Did you park on Crescent Street?

- Uh, what?

- Yeah, I wasn't sure if that was the best place.

- Oh, yeah, I'd say so.

- Yeah.

- So,

um, how come you, uh, are able to gym during the day?

- How come you are.

- Oh, I just, um, I work around the corner

so I can just pop in at lunchtime.

Do you work nearby, or?

Oh, hey, it's okay if you're unemployed.

Okay. I was gonna, uh, pay for tonight anyway.

I'm kind of old fashioned like that.

- I work from home, so I pick my own hours.

- Oh, cool.

What do you do?

- I'm a videographer.

Make videos. Do editing.

- Awesome, awesome. What kind of stuff?

- Uh, lots of different things.

You know, like online ads,

commercial stuff, that kind of thing.

- Oh.

I would love to do something creative like that.

Like, you know, I draw, but kind of like, in my spare time

to do it as a job must be great.

- Mhm. Yeah. No, I love it.

- Is that something you've always been interested in or?

- Uh, pretty much.

- Do you ever get in front of the camera?

Like, to be honest,

I feel like that's the more natural place for you.

- Well, I'm shy.

[Joel laughs]

- You don't seem shy.

- Well, you don't really know me, do you?

- Well. So tell me.

That's why we're here, isn't it?

- Is it?

I mean, sure, I can tell you about myself,

about my hopes, dreams, aspirations.

Or we can just skip to the good part where I'm riding your cock

and begging you to fill me with cum.

[Joel scoffs]

[light jazz music]

You're actually pretty good.

- Oh. Thanks.

I mean, I would have put that away

if I knew you were coming over.

I mean, that goes for the kind of

general aesthetic of the room, really.

- Mmm. - You know?

Oh.

Oh, yeah, you know, I wasn't thirsty either.

[glass clinks]

[Joel groaning]

[lips smacking]

[Alyssa panting]

Um, yeah. Hey, sorry.

Just just to clarify, before we, uh.

Um, just to clarify, this is just.

Great, great.

- Is that all right with you?

- Yeah. No. Absolutely.

- Yeah, I thought so.

[lips smacking]

- Um. It's just, um, it's just a shame because, uh,

I think my mum would really like you.

And I'll stop talking about my mum now.

- Fuck's sake.

- What's wrong?

- What the fuck is wrong with me?

- What is it? What have I done?

- Nothing. You didn't do anything.

I can see you're a nice person, Joel.

And it's making me feel like a piece of shit.

- What?

- I've got a boyfriend.

- Ah.

- I always fucking do this.

Like, as soon as my life starts to get in order,

I just go and mess everything up.

Fucking self-destructive bitch.

It's like we're meant to be buying a house together

and then he starts talking about getting fucking married.

I'm sorry, Okay?

This was just meant to be, like, one last fling or something.

I don't fucking know.

I mean, maybe I just wanted to have sex

without a camera in my face.

Oh, yeah.

When I said videographer, actually, I meant cam girl.

We sell videos online.

- You're a porn star.

- I'm gonna go.

- No. Hey, no, no, wait, wait.

- Look, I'm sorry for leading you on, okay?

I'm sure you're gonna find someone really nice.

- I think you should stay.

All right, just have a drink.

I've never met a porn star before.

No, I mean it.

- I've got a boyfriend, Joel.

- Yeah, which is exactly why you should stay.

Because, you know, there's clearly something going on

in your relationship.

- My relationship is fine, thank you.

I'm just pissed off at my boyfriend.

- And I think you need someone to talk to.

Like, even if it's just as a friend.

- You want to be my friend, do you?

- Yeah. Of course.

Hey, I'll have you know that porn stars

one of the few remaining professions

I'm yet to be friendzoned by.

So, uh.

Yeah, you've got your teachers, your graphic designers,

your accountants.

But, uh, never a porn star.

- Goodbye, Joel.

- Hey. Just wait.

- I'm sorry.

[door opens and closes]

[footsteps tapping]

[Alyssa sighs]

[lock clicks]

- Lyss?

- What?

- You still in the bath?

- What? Oh, no.

- Okay, can we have a chat?

- Uh, just a second.

- Sorry for being a dickhead, babe.

This whole thing is stressful enough

without me taking the piss.

Are we friends?

- That depends.

Where's my fucking cake?

[Johnny laughs]

- We do need to talk about this house, though.

I know, I know.

I think we should put an offer on.

I was talking to Shane about it at footy,

and he said that him and his missus missed out on a place

because they took too long.

- Yeah, I know, I...

I just...

I don't know.

- I thought you liked it.

- Yeah I did, it's just...

It's not the one.

- I mean, you can't have the perfect boyfriend

and the perfect house, so.

- Okay. I'm sorry. I know I'm being awkward.

- It's okay, I expect nothing less.

- Why don't I make it up to you?

[gentle music]

[upbeat gym music in background]

[Joel breathes sharply]

[weights clunking]

- Hey.

- What do you want?

- Well, I figured we could, uh, debrief from last night.

- Well, there's nothing to debrief, so.

- Oh, really?

Do you think it brought up some interesting issues?

- You mean, like why a grown man would have toys in his flat?

I mean, they're collectibles,

but no, more like why you cheat on your boyfriend.

- It was a mistake, okay?

And I've already said I'm sorry.

- Oh, you don't have to apologise. I'm trying to help.

- Yeah, well, I don't need your help, all right.

- Are you sure?

Because I happen to be, uh,

quite the amateur relationship specialist.

So I can maybe book you in for a therapy session,

and then we can work through those problems.

- Yeah. I'm good, thanks.

- Oh, so you've got the perfect relationship, then?

- Yeah, I do actually.

- So you still love him, then?

- Can you leave me alone now, please?

- I will, just answer the question and I'll go.

- No, I don't have to answer your fucking question.

- Well, why wouldn't you?

- Because it's none of your fucking business, maybe?

- Okay. So I didn't realise it was such a controversial issue.

- It's not a controversial issue.

- So why are you getting so defensive about it?

- Because who the fuck are you to question my relationship?

- I feel like I'm a pretty unsubtle indication

that there's something wrong with it, aren't I?

Look, maybe I'm just a romantic, okay?

But if you ask me, when you're in love with someone,

you kind of want it to be everyone's business, don't you?

But even when you're as cool as you are,

and especially when you get to shove it

in some know-it-all's face.

- You think you're pretty fucking clever, don't you?

- I just think if you were as popular as you are,

it shouldn't be a hard question to answer.

- Yeah, well, I think you're giving me a bit too much credit.

I have maybe two friends, and one of those is my mum.

- Oh, so you've got room for one more, then?

Look, in my opinion, people like you shouldn't have doubts.

That's for nerds like me.

[gentle music]

[panting]

[Johnny moaning]

- Cut.

[Johnny breathing heavily]

What do you think of this one.

- Mhm.

- Do you like it?

- Yeah. It looks all right.

Well, I mean, it's hard to tell, isn't it?

- I'll try and book it.

What do you want for dinner tomorrow?

We've got carbonara tonight.

- Um, I'm going to be out tomorrow,

so, um, I'll just, like, get my own thing.

I'm gonna, uh, try that new Pilates class at the gym.

You can get a takeaway.

- A takeaway? Yeah.

Whilst you're at the gym, I feel like even more of a fat cunt.

I'll make a cheeky risotto or something like that.

If you behave yourself, I'll save you some.

[liquid pouring]

[light jazzy music]

- This seems rather fucking romantic for a therapy session.

- No, it's just a coincidence.

- Really?

- Yeah. No, I couldn't afford my electric bill this month.

Hence the candles.

And, uh, thought you'd open up more if I got you drunk, so.

- How convenient.

- Hey, it's perfectly innocent, I promise.

You want to see some ink blots?

- No. I saw your drawings last time.

[Joel laughs]

- Okay.

Patient likes to lash out at people trying to help her

and has no appreciation for art.

Well, maybe we should just get down to why you're here, then.

- Fuck knows.

- I think you do know, though, don't you?

- This isn't fair.

- What isn't?

- This.

Okay? I'm supposed to be the one using you.

- I'm just trying to help you.

- Yeah, well,

this wasn't supposed to happen.

[light jazz music continues]

I thought it was just like cold feet,

you know?

We're only buying a house together, so.

But I don't know.

It's like you just get into this routine

where you think everything's normal

and you're just going through the motions

and then one day, suddenly,

something breaks you out of that,

and you realise you've let everything snowball.

I mean, we hadn't even spoken about getting a place together

before we made our first video.

We weren't even living together.

And then we realised how much money we could make,

and it was like we'd been given this amazing opportunity.

You know, it just seemed stupid not to.

Neither of us could afford to buy a place otherwise.

But

we were able to save enough for a deposit in under a year.

- Oh, wow.

- It made sense.

So you just convince yourself that your doubts are stupid

and then it's a year later and nothing's changed.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

I don't even know where the fuck I'm telling you all this.

I mean, I literally don't even know how I feel anymore.

I mean, it's irrelevant anyway.

- I mean, how is it irrelevant?

- I mean, it's not like I can break up with him.

- Oh, what, because of the money, the deposit?

- I mean, I'm sure he'd be a dickhead about that as well,

but it's not what I meant.

Neither of us can touch the money

without the other signature, so.

- So what's the problem?

- I know what Johnny's like.

I mean, if ever I left him,

he'd tell my mum how we've really been making our money

this whole time.

- Shit.

- Yeah.

They've never really seen eye to eye.

She's quite protective really, so.

[Joel scoffs]

So, yeah.

Basically trapped.

Never really thought about it till now.

Pretty fucking stupid, really.

- But haven't they cracked down on that now?

Like, I mean, if you take a video down,

he can't just put it back up,

that's against the law.

- I mean, it doesn't matter.

He'll just have to tell my mum

that I've been lying to her for the past year

and that her innocent little girl

quit her job to have sex for money.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

The fuck is wrong with me?

- Look, hey, it's okay. We'll figure this out.

- There's nothing to figure out. I'm an idiot.

[Alyssa sighs]

Oh, God, this is so stupid.

Like. It's fine, I can just stay with him.

- I mean, is that what you want?

- It doesn't really matter what I want.

I mean, that's the whole point I'm trying to make.

- I mean, it does matter, though, doesn't it?

Like, you shouldn't stay in a relationship

if you're not happy.

- Well, maybe I am happy.

Probably just being stupid.

- Look, um,

I understand if you don't really know how you feel.

Um, and obviously, I have pretty blatant ulterior motives.

Um, but you shouldn't be afraid of being blackmailed.

That's not a healthy relationship.

- Thanks.

[Alyssa sobs]

This definitely wasn't part of the plan.

Fucking pathetic.

- No! Hey! No! Hey, it's my fault.

Girls always cry when they're on dates with me, so.

- So this is a date now, is it?

- Oh, um.

Therapy session.

Sorry. Um.

Freudian slip.

Ironic.

[Alyssa chuckles]

So, um, you're quite close with your mum, then?

- Yeah. Um, I mean, my dad left when I was a baby, so.

- Oh, shit, sorry.

- It's fine.

I mean, it's not like I ever missed him.

It was kind of great growing up with just my mum.

Yeah, it's like growing up with a best friend, you know?

[Joel chuckles]

- I'm, uh, I'm quite close to my mum as well.

- Is that why you're so keen for me to meet her?

- Oh, um, the sad part is, that was only half a joke.

Um, my family are constantly grilling me about my love life,

to the point where I feel like

I've started to internalize the pressure.

Um, yeah,

I just I'm just fed up of not having a Pictionary partner.

- [laughs] What?

- Oh, um, my family love board games,

right, so every time there's a get together,

we just play loads of games.

And my brother and sister,

they're pretty much settled down now.

So any time you play Pictionary, I end up with my parents.

[Alyssa laughs]

It's just getting so embarrassing now.

Oh, and the cruel irony is I love drawing.

Right? So it should be my favorite game.

But every time we play it, I just feel bitter.

[Alyssa laughs]

I'm glad you find my plight amusing.

So you don't think your mum would be

too happy if she found out what you do then?

- Can we talk about something else now, please?

- So, what are your hopes, dreams and aspirations?

[gentle music]

[panting and groaning]

- So, um,

I've been thinking about what you said the other night.

About the threesome.

[Johnny groans]

No, Johnny, I'm not still angry, okay. I, uh...

I actually think you might be right.

Okay I've done the maths on some of the stuff we're turning down,

and it's literally thousands.

- Well, yeah, that's my exact point.

We can save up for a wedding in what, two months?

- That's what I'm thinking.

And, like, you know,

I think we've been way too conservative in general.

I mean, literally last week

there was a guy willing to pay £200

to watch me tie you up and pour wax on you.

- Okay. All right.

- Well, I mean, if you want to talk about

leaving money on the table.

- No, you've made your fucking point.

- No, Johnny, I'm being serious.

Okay, I don't think we can afford

to lose that kind of money anymore.

And, I mean, we should kind of make the most

out of this opportunity whilst we can, shouldn't we?

So...

I'd be willing to do the threesome,

but we're a team,

so you'd have to be willing to do some stuff too.

- What kind of stuff?

[birds singing

[ambient gym noise]

- Um, did you get my invoice for the therapy session?

- Oh, I thought you were offering to help me pro bono,

you know, due to the fact you want to fuck me.

- No, see, I only work for free

if you actually do fuck me, so...

- Oh, okay. - So, yeah.

- Do you take card?

- No. It's fine.

You know, from my initial diagnosis,

you're going to need a lot more sessions with me

to actually deal with all your problems,

so you can just pay me in a lump sum at the end.

- Mhm. Is that right?

- I mean it's my professional opinion so.

And what if I told you

I think I've figured out a way to fix all my problems.

- Have you?

- I think so.

- Wow. I'm a better therapist than I thought.

- I've convinced him to do a sub video.

- A sub video?

- Yeah. As in submissive.

You know, like me dominating him.

I mean, we get requests to do them all the time,

but he's always too embarrassed.

But I figured that if I have a video of him

in a compromising position,

then I can threaten to show his friends if ever he tells my mum.

[Joels laughs]

I'm gonna fight fire with fire.

- You're serious?

- Yeah, I'm fucking serious.

I don't have any other options.

- Um, okay.

- Well, you got a better idea?

- Well, can't you just threaten to tell his parents?

- Pretty sure he's already told them.

I think he's told all his stupid fucking friends, too,

because literally all their girlfriends hate me.

I mean, they know their boyfriends are wanking over me.

- Well, I'm sure that would be the case regardless, so.

- So are you gonna help me?

- Um.

- I can't do this without you, Joel.

- Are you genuinely serious?

- I'm genuinely fucking serious.

Okay, I've thought about what you said, and you're right.

I can't have this hanging over my head.

- So, um,

does that mean you've figured out how you feel as well or?

- I don't know, I just...

I just know that lately I've realised I like to have options.

[gentle jazz music]

If we're doing this, then I'm in charge.

I pick the candidates, I message them,

I make the final decision.

Until we press record,

this doesn't even fucking involve you

as far as I'm concerned.

I'm changing the password on our account.

- [Johnny] You do what you gotta do.

[gentle jazz music continues]

- [Joel] And, uh, how are you spelling that?

- [Alyssa] You're such a twat.

- I told you, I'm old fashioned.

I only look at porn I find in the woods.

[Alyssa scoffs]

- Okay, can we stop fucking around now?

This is serious.

- Okay. All right, I think I found it.

Oh, my.

- For God's sake.

[Joel chuckles]

Okay, look, there. Create an account.

- And it's free?

- Completely free.

You just need a username and password.

SwollJoel92.

[Joel laughs]

That's how I think of you.

- Yeah, I mean, it is my, uh, Instagram handle.

SwollJoel92.

Uh, now what?

- You need to go on my page.

- Uh, okay. What's it called?

Oh, no, I haven't tried to find it, I promise.

- Hmm.

It's called Alyssit.

- Oh.

Clever.

Okay. So that's, um, uh, A-L-Y

- Double S-I-T.

There's a button there that says requests.

- Cool.

- You found that button yet?

- Yeah. Uh, there it is. [clicks button]

Okay. Uh. We're in.

What do you want me to put?

- Okay. Say, you want to see me spanking him

whilst he's knelt over the back of the chair.

His hands and feet are handcuffed to the legs,

and he's naked except for a baby bonnet.

Oh, and he's begging mummy to spank him

cos he's been a bad boy.

[they laugh]

Well, I mean, we need to embarrass him, don't we?

- I mean, that's just a casual Friday night for me.

[Alyssa laughs]

Okay. Um.

Anything else?

- I think that should do it.

- And what's the, um...

What's the going rate for this sort of thing?

- A thousand. - A thousand?

- Yeah. I'll give you the cash up front.

I mean, a thousand makes it too good to ignore.

- Are you sure you want to go ahead with this?

- I mean, I have to.

Like, I need leverage, don't I?

- Okay, let's send it then.

And done.

- Mm.

Oh, God.

I just hope we didn't overdo it.

- I mean, I can always send him another one, you know?

So he has options.

It's always good to have options, isn't it?

- I really appreciate you helping me, Joel.

- What are friends for?

[Alyssa chuckles]

- There is something else

I was wondering if you could help me with, actually.

- Yeah? What's that?

- Well, I'm supposed to be at Pilates right now,

and it's gonna look pretty suspicious

if I don't come back all hot and sweaty.

So, uh, do you have any ideas how you could help me with that?

Swoll, Joel.

[gentle jazz music]

[Joel panting]

[gentle jazz music continues]

- You're not getting jealous already, are you?

- She's only got 16,000 subscribers, Johnny.

I mean, I like her, but at the end of the day,

she's not got a big enough profile.

- Well, then she'll be grateful for the exposure, won't she?

She'll try harder.

- Well, the girl I'm seeing on Saturday has 100,000, so.

- I'm playing football on Saturday.

- Sorry, babe. I mean, that's the only time she can do.

I'll try and make it for half-time.

I mean, you'll probably be on the bench

till then anyway, won't you?

- Look, I know we said that you were going to organise

this entire thing,

but you could at least let me meet them beforehand.

- What have we just been doing, dickhead?

- I'm just saying.

- Yeah, well, if it's convenient, great,

then, if not, I guess, tough luck.

- Fine.

Luckily for you, finding women for me to have sex with

is the one reason that you're allowed to miss my game, so.

- Hmm, lucky me.

Well, you know, I wouldn't get ahead of yourself,

though, buddy,

cos you're not fucking anybody

till we've made that other video.

- I just want to say now, for the record,

you're not putting anything in my arse.

All right, that's a red line.

- Oh, it will be red when I'm finished with it.

- [Laughs] I'm fucking serious, Lyss.

Okay, fine. I'm sure we can find something

that doesn't involve your precious arsehole.

- That's all I'm asking.

- Shall we take a look?

[gym ambience]

Oh, hey.

I didn't see you there.

- Hey, it's all right.

Probably didn't recognise me with my clothes on.

- Oh, for God's sake.

You've literally got zero chill, haven't you?

He's agreed to do it.

We've accepted the request.

- Oh, awesome.

Okay. You want me to send you the money?

- No, no, no, I'll give you the cash first.

I thought we could do something this weekend, actually.

I mean, I've got a bit of time Saturday afternoon, and...

I mean, that's if like

If you still want to help now, you know,

you've got what you wanted.

- Are you asking me out on a date?

- Okay. Never mind.

I'm just going to send you the money online.

- No, it's just that you said you didn't want to risk

people seeing us out.

- Yeah, well, I'm a bit sick and tired of spending all my time

inside a fucking toy shop, all right?

- Um, I told you, they're collectables.

- Plus no one's gonna see us where we're going.

- Why? Where are we going?

- You'll see.

Meet me at the lighthouse at one.

- It's a date.

[gentle music]

- [Joel] This is awesome.

It's a really great idea for a date.

- Yeah, it would be.

[gentle jazz music]

My mum used to bring me here when I was a kid.

We could never afford to go abroad or anything, but, um...

Yeah, she got this old raft from,

like, a car boot sale or somewhere,

and we'd come down here in the summer

and we'd just float along the river

with picnic and a radio, and...

Yeah, she'd tell me all about the wildlife.

Yeah, it's definitely my happy place.

So don't do anything to ruin it, all right?

[gentle jazz music continues]

- Yeah. I think my happy place

would be my parents' house at Christmas.

Yeah. You know, waking up in my old room,

getting straight on the Bucks Fizz with my brother and sister,

taking the piss out of how over the top mum's gone on presents,

despite us telling her every year not to.

- Playing Pictionary.

- [laughs] Yeah, even that.

Yeah. No, that to me is like,

perfect.

Well, almost perfect.

So, uh, so you want me to send you that money over?

- Are you sure you don't mind?

I mean, literally, I'll get the money out

as soon as we get back into town.

- It's fine.

Okay. It's all good to go.

Am I pulling the trigger?

- Okay. Do it.

- Done.

- Dun, dun, dun.

Oh.

Okay.

Okay, now send a message saying that you paid

and asking when the video will be ready.

They always do that.

- Okay.

All right.

Done.

- Guess I better start looking for a bonnet.

[Joel laughs]

- So, um, is there anything else you need from me,

or is this the part where you cut me adrift?

You know, now you've got what you wanted.

- There is actually.

Yeah. I, um,

I'm gonna need you to come round to my apartment Monday night.

Um.

I'm gonna do it.

Okay. As soon as we finish filming the video,

I'm gonna tell him that it's over.

And I literally have no idea how the fuck he's gonna react,

so I kind of just, like, need you there on standby.

You know, in case he freaks out.

I'm sure it'll be fine, but, you know.

- I'll be waiting outside with a bottle of champagne.

[Alyssa chuckles]

- You happy now?

- Just want you to be happy.

- Then you know what to do.

[lips smacking]

[Alyssa shrieks] [water splashes]

For fuck's sake.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

[Joel laughs]

It's not funny, Joel, I could have killed us.

Oh.

Is your phone all right?

Oh, yeah.

Good as new. [laughs]

- Oh.

- Did you, um, put my keys in the bag?

- Oh, God, are they not there?

[bag rustling]

- Um.

- I can't believe I did this.

Honestly, I thought I put them in the bag.

- It's fine.

That's exactly why they give you spares in the first place.

[both chuckle]

- Oh, for fuck's sake.

I haven't given you the money, have I?

This has been a complete fucking disaster.

- Oh, don't.

Don't be stupid, okay?

This has been the best date I've ever been on.

- Do you mind if I give it to you on Monday?

It's just, I really have to go.

- I mean, it depends, you know.

Do you really live at this address you gave me,

or am I going to turn up there Monday

and discover it's all just an elaborate scam?

- Guess you'll just have to wait and see, won't you?

[tense music] [car rumbling]

- I know, I'm nearly done.

[tense music continues]

[Joel sighs]

[tense music continues]

[Joel sighs]

- Yeah, see, this is why I need your number.

[keys clacking]

[phone ringing]

- Hello? - Hi, it's Alyssa.

I'm sorry it's so late, can I come in?

I'll explain what happened.

- Are you okay?

- Yeah. I'm fine. I'll explain inside.

I thought this was gonna be it.

I mean, I was literally ready to do it.

I'd psyched myself up.

- So what did he say?

- He chickened out, said he didn't want to do it.

- But what about the threesome?

- Oh, yeah, he still wants to do that.

He said that I can do the sub video with someone else.

He doesn't mind seeing me dominate another guy.

It's a fucking pisstake.

So, yeah, we had a huge row and I ended up storming out.

- Are you okay?

- No. I mean, what am I meant to do?

- Well, I mean, you've just got to force the issue, don't you?

You've got to tell him it has to be him.

- I just don't think he's going to do it.

I mean, not even for a threesome.

It's fucked, the whole thing's fucked.

I knew this was too much,

but it's like it had to be something

that he didn't want anyone else to see.

- Yeah, no, it's a bit of a catch 22, isn't it?

- I just can't risk him telling my mum.

We're gonna have to think of something softer.

- I mean, you could always tell her yourself.

- Joel...

- I just think she'd understand

if you just explained everything.

- I just don't want to disappoint her.

She worked really hard for me growing up.

- Sorry.

No, I know it must be tough.

- I just don't know what to say.

- Just tell her the truth.

[lips smacking]

Alyssa?

[keys clacking]

- I have to go.

I'm just trying to figure out how to explain all this.

- She'll understand.

I know she will.

- I mean, I guess I don't really have a choice, do I?

I mean, I guess I could just stay with him.

- No, see, that's not an option anymore.

I made sure of that.

[gentle music]

- [Johnny] It's got to be between Holly and Arabella,

hasn't it?

I mean, that makes the most sense financially, doesn't it?

I'm happy either way,

for the record, in case you want to factor that in.

What's up?

- No. I'm fine.

Um, I'm just gonna go see my mum.

- Oh, okay.

[gentle music continues]

[car door opens]

[car alarm beeps]

[horn honks]

- I was so scared.

I mean, I was literally crying before I even told her, but, uh,

yeah, she was great.

And she said that she'd love me no matter what it was,

so I had to tell her.

[laughs] She actually said she was proud of me.

She said that she was proud of my initiative, and, um.

Yeah, she wanted to know all about it.

- See, I told you I'd be fine, didn't I?

- Oh, God, I'm free.

- To freedom.

- Mmm. [glasses clink]

- So, um, did you tell him?

- No, I need to delete the videos first.

Plus, I need to pack.

But, um, he's got football training Thursday night,

so I'll make sure everything's ready for then.

I need to check how long it takes for the website

to take down the videos, actually,

do you mind if I just check now?

- Yeah, sure.

Yeah. More champagne?

- Yes, please.

[gentle jazz music in background]

[keys clacking] [champagne pours]

Um, do you mind just putting that on the table for me?

- Yeah.

- Thank you.

- So, what's it say?

- Uh, it says that within 24 hours.

And I will put in the request tomorrow.

- Oh.

- Thank you, Joel.

I couldn't have done this without you.

I mean, if I'm being honest, I...

I wouldn't have done this without you.

- Well, I mean, I didn't have much of a choice, now, did I?

I mean, you're the most amazing, most interesting,

most hilarious girl I've ever met, so.

You know, from the moment you showed me

even the slightest bit of interest

I knew I had to do everything in my power

to get you into my clutches, and...

I just can't believe it worked.

[gentle jazz music continues]

[gentle music]

[TV on indistinctly in background]

[gentle music continues]

[TV on indistinctly]

[phone vibrating]

- Hello?

- [ Alyssa] He came back. His training got cancelled.

- Alyssa? - [Alyssa] I need your help.

- What's wrong? Are you okay?

- Yeah. Sorry, I'm fine.

I got your number off the request form.

He came back, he's gonna figure out what's going on.

My suitcase is in the middle of the lounge.

- Are you still at the flat?

- No, I managed to keep him out.

I said I wanted to get a takeaway,

we're picking it up now.

You need to get my case.

- Um, okay. Just, uh, hold on a second, uh.

- Please, Joel, I can't do it face to face.

I thought I could, but...

- No, no. It's fine.

Um, how am I going to get into your flat, though?

- I left the spare keys under the mat.

When you get there, buzz number six

and tell them you've got a package for number 18.

He'll buzz you in.

Please, Joel, you have to hurry.

- Yeah. No, I'm on my way.

Thank you.

I'm sorry. I can't believe this is happening.

Oh, for fuck's sake, I left my camera as well.

Can you grab it for me, please?

It's on the tripod by the TV.

- Uh, camera by the TV, got it.

- Thanks, Joel.

I'll sneak out after we get back.

Will you meet me at the lighthouse?

I need a drink.

- Yeah, that sounds awesome.

[suspenseful music]

[car rumbling]

[handbrake clicks]

[suspenseful music continues]

[tense music]

[door closes]

[tense music continues]

[ambient restaurant noise]

[ambient restaurant background music]

[phone buttons clicking]

- [Answerphone] I'm sorry,

but the person you've called is not available

Please leave your message after the tone.

[message beeps]

- It's fine.

[Joel sighs]

[TV on indistinctly]

[bottle opener clanks]

[knocking on door]

- Mr. Clarke?

- Yeah.

Mr. Clarke, we're arresting you on suspicion of kidnapping

and false imprisonment.

You do not need to say anything,

but it may harm your defense...

- What? Kidnapping? Kidnapping who?

- [Officer]...something you later rely on in court

- What's going on?

- [Officer] Anything you do say may be given in evidence.

- What do you mean, kidnapping?

[tense music]

- I'm showing you that right off the bat

to save us both the embarrassment

of you lying to me.

You understand?

The sooner you tell us where he is.

The better this is going to be for you.

- Who?

What the fuck are you talking about?

No, she told me to take the suitcase.

She gave me the key.

- Joel. - What the hell is going on?

You need to accept the situation.

You made a mistake.

You took the wrong camera.

- No, she told me to take it.

- And now you need to tell us the truth.

- What do you mean?

What the hell is going on?

- We have the messages, Joel.

- What messages?

What are you talking about?

- We get requests like it all the time.

It was a basic cuckold fantasy.

- SwollJoel?

- He said he'd pay us £1,000.

- This is your account, isn't it, Joel?

[tense music continues]

- He wanted him in a suitcase.

- I didn't send these.

I didn't send these.

- You like Alyssa a lot, don't you, Joel?

- No, I didn't write these.

- We found all her videos on your laptop.

- We were supposed to have sex afterwards, but

when I went to let him out, he wasn't there.

- This is ridiculous, okay? I didn't do this.

- I thought he'd gone off in a huff, but then

I saw he left his phone and I watched back the video.

- Look, it's not what it looks like.

You have to listen to me.

- [Officer] Joel.

[tense music continues]

- I can't believe what was happening.

- She's setting me up.

- I should have recognised the name.

I should have known who he was.

- It's time to come clean, Joel.

- I'm telling you the truth!

- He goes to my gym.

He sent me some creepy message, but I'm used to that by now.

- "I love you, and I'll do anything to be with you."

- No, I didn't write that.

What the fuck is going on?

Why is she doing this to me?

- This is all my fault.

- A neighbour saw you at the apartment buildings

on 16th, Joel.

Can you explain what you were doing there?

- [sobs] I made Johnny do it.

- This is fucking insane!

We've been seeing each other for weeks.

- Joel. - I've got her keys.

- She gave me her key.

- I thought I lost it at the gym.

- No, no no, no. She's lying. She's fucking lying.

- I reported it to the manager.

- She's called me.

Check my phone, check my phone, check my phone.

- He wanted us to ring him just before we started filming.

[tense music continues]

I thought it was weird, but he was paying us so much money.

- Oh my God, what's happening?

She can't do this.

- Where's Johnny, Joel?

That's the only thing that matters right now.

- We were going to use that money to pay for our house.

- I didn't do this, okay?

You've got to believe me.

- Where's Johnny, Joel?

- He's in my car but I didn't do this.

- [sobs] I can't believe this is happening.

- She's setting me up.

- You need to be honest with me right now, Joel.

- I'm telling you the truth.

- Please, you have to find him.

- Your auntie is on her way.

[police station ambience]

- Ready?

- Ready as I'll ever be.

[handcuffs clicking]

I can't believe this guy's paying £1000

to watch me get tossed off.

Fucking creep!

And was this included in the price,

or was this an added extra?

[Johnny chuckles]

[handcuffs clicking]

So how long do I need to last for?

- I'm not sure, I mean

I've thought about what I'm going to say,

but I've not timed myself or anything.

- What?

- I mean, are you good at holding your breath?

I don't know, it's not something we've ever discussed, is it?

- Fuck are you going on about?

- Mm. I guess I'll just be as quick as I can,

cause I'd really like for you to hear what I have to say, Johnny.

- What are you talking about?

- It's important to me that you understand

why this is happening.

If I'm honest, it's just as important as the money.

- Huh?

- And that's why simply convincing you to sign it over

was never really an option.

- Is this part of the thing?

- I don't think you would have done, though, would you?

Because at the end of the day,

you're just as stubborn as I am, aren't you?

- What are you talking about?

- And that's the best part about this whole situation,

is I can legitimately tell myself

that you left me no choice.

- Lyss.

- That I'm not just a vindictive bitch.

- Alyssa.

- Because after you deleted that email,

there was no way

I was gonna let you keep a penny of my money, Jonny.

- Oh, you're not serious?

- Because it is my money.

You know that as well as I do, don't you?

- You're not still pissed off about this, are you really?

- I mean, it's why you did what you did, isn't it?

Because you know you're nothing without me.

Just a pathetic, jealous, arrogant little cunt.

- Yeah. All right.

- I guess in that respect,

you didn't really have a choice either, did you?

- You know, you nearly had me there.

- I mean, there was no way

I wasn't gonna take that job, Johnny.

- This is pretty good by your standards.

Yeah, this is good for you to be fair.

- In fact, the more I think about this,

the more inevitable this whole thing really just becomes.

Maybe you can take some consolation from that.

- Just get on with the fucking video now, please.

- There is no video, babe.

- What?

- Well, not the one you think, anyway.

- What are you talking about?

- Deep breath.

- What the fuck?

[Johnny gasping] [suspenseful music]

- I remember reading that email, Johnny.

Best opportunity I had my entire life.

The only one.

And you were going to take that away from me.

[Johnny grunting]]

Took a lot of planning to get here, Johnny.

But honestly, I mean, the hardest part

was fighting the urge to slit your throat that first night.

[Johnny grunting]

After that, the rest of it was easy.

I went out, bought some sexy new gym clothes,

something that would really grab a bit of attention.

And then I joined a new gym.

The one we drive past to visit your cunt parents.

And then I waited.

I waited until I found the perfect guy.

[Johnny grunting]

Someone I could control.

Someone predictable.

[tense music]

Someone dumb enough to do what I told him

and strong enough not to notice a heavy suitcase.

Well, fingers crossed.

[Johnny grunting] [tense music continues]

I think it'll be all right.

He's a lot bigger than you,

body-wise.

I mean, actually, you've both got tiny little dicks.

Sorry, I shouldn't take the piss, should I?

I mean, none of this would be possible without your tiny dick,

Johnny, would it?

I suppose in a way, the whole threesome thing proves

that you really do love me, doesn't it?

Because you're not normally the type of guy

to ask for permission to fuck another girl, are you?

That's the really tragic thing about this situation, actually.

Because no matter how much you love me,

you've ultimately ended up confirming

what I've always known to be true, deep down.

The thing that's given me a chip on my shoulder my entire life.

The reason I'm such a bitch.

The knowledge that at the end of the day,

the only person I can rely on is myself.

[tense music continues]

[sombre music]

Okay. Action!

- She told me to get her suitcase

and meet her at the lighthouse.

- [Officer] Is that when you moved him?

- No, I didn't move him.

- We know you moved him, Joel.

- Look, I didn't move him.

- We just need to know where.

- I parked on Crescent Street,

and I just went straight to the bar.

- We're supposed to get married.

- I told you, he's in my car.

- We just started our life together.

- Why won't you listen to me?

- You need to trust me on this, okay?

The longer you do this, the worse it's going to be for you.

- What are you saying?

- We've already checked your car, Joel.

[sombre music continues]

[alarm beeps]

You need to start telling us the truth.

- I'm sorry.

[suitcase dragging]

I just love him so much.

[water splashing]

[sombre music continues]

[Alyssa sobs]

[keys jangling]

[water splashes]

[sombre music continues]

Oh, for fucks sake, Johnny!

- [Officer] We found Johnny.

I'm afraid it's not good news.

[sombre music intensifies]

- Once I've checked the death certificate

against the Register Office,

I'll be able to transfer the funds immediately.

[office ambience]

I, um,

read about what happened to you online.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

- Thank you.

- You've sent us the electronic copy of the exhumation license?

- [Alyssa] Yes.

- Yeah, I've got it here.

Perfect.

- Great. Okay, so everything's okay?

- Yes. All fine.

I'll have our Sexton meet you at your mother's plot

in about ten minutes or so?

- Yeah. That's fine, thank you.

- Okay.

- Thanks. - My pleasure.

- Los Angeles?

Bit of an upgrade, isn't it?

- Let's hope so.

[gentle music]

[gentle jazz music]

[gentle jazz music continues]