Original subtitles

(Transcribed by TurboScribe. Go Unlimited to remove this message.) Margaret, if I'm going to run a medical

office effectively, I'm going to need these things

taken care of professionally and promptly.

Thank you.

Now let's review.

Turkey, whole wheat, and light mayo this time.

John, it's Anita.

Margaret, I gotta go.

The hooker's here.

No, no, no, no.

She lives here.

Not here, here.

Here.

Yeah, just, just hold on.

What?

John, I'm sorry to bother you.

Can I use your bathroom and put my

makeup on?

Yeah, I guess.

Why?

The lights in my apartment shorted out again,

and speaking of short, have you seen Bob

anywhere?

I've been after him for days to fix

them, and I'm ready to kill him.

Yeah, well, just don't kill him before he

fixes my refrigerator.

Anyway, Margaret, Anita.

Hello, Margaret?

Well, that's just rude.

Excuse me.

Have you ever heard of knocking?

Hey, I didn't think you were home.

And by the way, you know, Becker, there's

no reason to yell at me.

The other tenants make Bob feel welcome in

their homes.

They trust Bob.

Oh, which reminds me.

Guess what I found in the back of

Mr. Zimmerman's closet.

Yeah, yeah, I know, I know.

Women's clothes.

Yeah, everybody in the building knows Zimmerman's a

cross-dresser.

What?

I don't know.

No, I meant I just found the Mickey

Mantle baseball court.

That's Mrs. Zimmerman's.

They have an arrangement.

Hey, whoa, whoa, what are you doing?

I thought you were going to fix my

refrigerator.

No, I just came for the beer.

Will that be enough?

Can I fix you some food?

No, I'm good.

By the way, Zimmerman's not the only news

in the building.

Rumor has it we have a lady of

the evening in residence.

You know, a pro.

A streetwalker.

A trot.

A harlot.

How bad is this?

I'm talking dirty to myself.

Thanks, John.

I'll see you later.

Wait a minute.

You're with him?

If your self-esteem is that low, maybe

you and I should talk.

Bob, I had to come down here to

put on my makeup because you never fixed

my lights.

I'll get to it.

You'll get to it right now.

You're coming with me.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What about my refrigerator?

Bob, policy is to handle jobs on a

priority basis.

And how do her lights have priority over

my refrigerator?

You saw that dress and you really had

to ask?

Oh, and Becca, by the way, keep your

eyes open.

Mrs. Davis, I am very, very sorry.

I have no idea how this happened.

Please accept my...

Linda, why would you write this on a

patient's chart?

What?

This.

Big ass.

No chin.

That's just...

So I'd remember.

We have three patients named Mary Davis and

she's the one with the big ass and

no chin.

Linda, she saw her chart and was really

hurt.

Then why'd you show it to her?

My point is, I know Mrs. Davis has

a big ass and no chin.

That is no reason to write it on

my chart.

I was going to come back, but I'm

not going to be insulted anymore.

Way to go, Margaret.

Listen, can we please pick this up tomorrow?

My date will be here any minute.

Gil's out of jail?

I better hide my purse.

Relax.

He's not out of jail.

Here's a tip.

Never bitch slap the warden.

Anyway, I'm going out with this new guy,

Craig.

I've been seeing him for a couple of

weeks.

He's terrific.

Hey, Linda.

You ready?

See?

He's cute.

He has a great job.

And now he's got a big ass and

no chin.

No rap sheet.

Craig, this is Margaret.

Pleased to meet you.

And thanks for letting Linda off a little

early.

Wow.

You're not at all what I expected.

And from what Linda told me, you're not

at all- Okay, time to go.

All right.

Where the hell's Mrs. Davis?

Oh, uh, she left.

She was feeling sick.

Too sick to stay in a doctor's office?

Oh, uh, maybe she was just sick of

waiting.

I forget.

Uh, did you see Linda's boyfriend?

Uh, Gil?

Has it been three to five already?

No.

No.

That's not Gil.

That's a new one.

Craig.

Huh.

Well, he looks normal.

And he acts normal, too.

He said, pleased to meet you.

I heard it.

Who's up next?

Mr. Jones.

Him, too.

Which Mr. Jones?

Larry Jones.

Brown hair, blue eyes.

Doesn't ring a bell.

Chicken neck, big ears.

Oh, oh, Mr. Jones.

Oh.

Mr. Jones.

Mr. Jones.

Hey, Jake.

It's Anita.

I'm taking a paper.

No problem.

Can you change a hundred?

Not without a magic wand.

I'll owe you.

So how's business?

Always good.

Even in a slow economy, there are some

things people just won't cut back on.

God bless them.

Morning, troops.

Hey, Bob.

Haven't seen you around.

Hey, you missed me, huh?

No, just remembering the good times.

Well, Bob's been doing a little detective work.

Seems there's a hooker living in my building.

How you doing, Anita?

All right, Bob.

I'll bite.

Who is it?

I know.

I'm curious.

You know, I thought I had it all

figured out when I ran into a tall

buxom blonde in the elevator.

That's Mr. Zimmerman.

Yeah, I know.

I found that out the hard way.

Hey, Reggie, can I get some coffee?

Okay, but just coffee.

I'm shutting down for lunch.

So you do read the suggestion box.

Reg, you can't close now.

My business depends on yours.

If you don't cook, they don't eat.

If they don't eat, what am I gonna

do with six cases of Maalox?

For your information, I'm closing because I've been

dating this new guy and he's coming by

to take me for lunch.

Wait till you meet him.

He's...

Here we go.

Unlike any guy I've ever met.

He's funny.

He's sensitive.

He loves me for who I am.

He likes that I'm a strong and independent

woman.

Gee, I had no idea.

Hope you two fellows will be very happy

together.

Nah, we're teasing Reggie.

She's got a new boyfriend.

Yeah, right.

What else is new?

Cheeseburger, please.

Sorry, Becker, I'm not serving lunch today.

Oh, so you do read the suggestion box.

You know, I'm gonna stop talking to you

guys.

Wow, she really does read the suggestion box.

Oh, Craig, just in time.

You ready?

Yeah.

Oh, I'd introduce you, but, uh, well, that

would be rude.

That's Craig?

Oh, my God.

Who's gay now?

Hi.

I don't have an appointment, but I was

hoping the doctor could see me.

Um, sure, I think we can fit you

in.

Mr...? B-I-G-N-O-Z-I.

Big Nosy.

Okay, if you'll just wait a moment, Mr.

Big Nosy.

Oh, I am so sorry.

It was bad enough that you were writing

on their charts, now you're referring to patients

by their physical shortcomings?

Again, I am so sorry, Mr., uh...

Big Nosy.

That's my name.

And frankly, I don't consider my nose a

shortcoming.

Neither do I.

Until you mentioned it, I didn't even notice

how big it is.

I mean...

I mean...

Uh, Linda will take you back.

Right this way, sir.

Sorry, sometimes she can be so insensitive.

Margaret, my office, now.

Please.

That's better.

Yes?

Yeah, Margaret, I need you to call the

lab about Mrs. Waverly's blood test.

Then call Medicare about those late payments.

Oh, and then I need you to tell

Reggie and Linda they're dating the same guy.

Okay, thanks a lot.

Get back in here!

That is terrible.

How did you find out?

Oh, wrong place, wrong time.

Anyway, handle it.

You know, just break it to them gently.

And don't make a day of it, because

we're busy.

Uh-uh.

You found out, you tell them.

Oh, hey, listen.

You don't understand.

Every time I get involved in other people's

personal business, it ends up biting me in

the ass.

John, you have to tell them they're your

friends.

They're not my friends.

One works for me, one cooks for me.

And believe me, I'm being generous on both

counts.

John.

All right, actually, you know what?

Forget I said anything.

Maybe they don't need to know.

Of course they need to know.

They would want to know.

Fine, then you tell them.

All right, sure, I'll be glad to.

But if I do, they're going to want

to know how I knew.

And I'm going to have to tell them

the truth.

Which is that you told me.

And then they're going to be real mad

that you knew, and you told me instead

of them.

So actually, by not telling them, I am

doing you a favor.

You just made that up off the top

of your head, didn't you?

And it came out a lot better than

I expected.

Good luck.

Hey, Jay.

Hey, John.

Let me ask you something.

If someone you knew was in a relationship,

and you knew the person they were seeing

was being unfaithful, do you really think they'd

want to know?

Oh, my God.

Angela's cheating on me.

I knew I couldn't trust that woman.

Who the hell's Angela?

The girl I've been seeing.

I thought you were seeing Karen.

Well, I'm seeing Karen, too.

So you're cheating on Angela?

Hey, why are you taking Angela's side?

I'm not taking anybody's side.

Listen, John, in case they should come in,

now, Karen knows about Angela, but Angela doesn't

know about Karen, so, uh, cover for me?

You're on your own, pal.

You know, I don't care about Karen.

I don't care about Angela.

Hey, hey, a little respect.

You're talking about the women I love.

Hey, Anita, let me ask you something.

You date men outside the job, right?

Sure.

If you were seeing some guy, and he

was seeing someone else, would you really want

to know?

Depends.

If I don't care about him, I don't

need to know.

If I care a little, I don't care.

If I care a lot, I want to

know.

If I care a whole lot, I don't

want to know.

Does that help?

How could it possibly help?

Hey, Rich, coffee, please?

Oh, in a minute, Becker.

So, anyways, this guy that I'm dating is

really hot.

So is mine.

So what does your guy do?

He works on Wall Street.

So does mine.

That's amazing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, amazing.

So what does your guy look like?

He's tall, great looking, and has an incredible

body.

Mine, too.

Oh, and he drives this great BMW.

You're kidding.

So does mine.

What are the odds, huh, Becker?

A million to one.

Say, let me ask you something, Reg.

What's the name of the guy you're going

with?

Craig.

Your boyfriend's name is Craig?

Mine, too.

Hey, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

That we should all have dinner together?

Exactly.

Oh, for God's sake.

Don't you see what's going on here?

You're both dating a guy named Craig who

works on Wall Street and drives a BMW.

How stupid can you be?

You're both seeing the same guy.

What?

I thought you should know.

We're dating the same guy?

How do you know?

How could I help but know?

I saw him with both of you.

This guy Craig's everywhere I go.

I can't believe this.

He told me I was the love of

his life.

That's what he told me.

Gee, do you think he might have been

lying?

I just don't believe this is happening.

When I think of the parade of freaks

that I've dated and then I finally meet

a guy who's handsome and funny and successful

and he's dating someone else.

Oh, I'm such a loser.

You?

I'm the loser.

Do you know how long it's been since

I dated a guy who's allowed to cross

state lines?

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Come on, come on.

Let's be fair.

You're both losers.

But it's just because you're both desperate, gullible

women with lousy tastes in men.

Now, can I have some coffee, please?

Yes.

How can you be so insensitive?

Me, insensitive?

What about Craig?

Oh, don't put this on Craig.

You're the one who loves to spread misery.

I bet you couldn't wait to come down

here and tell us.

Not true.

I waited a whole day.

You knew a whole day and you didn't

tell us?

Look, I've been agonizing over this.

I talked to Margaret, I talked to Jake,

I talked to Anita.

Oh, so you told everyone but us.

I told you just now.

Yeah, because you ran out of other people

to tell.

Yeah, Dr. Rucker, thanks.

Jake, why do I even open my mouth?

You know, John, for a change, it's nice

to hear you say that.

What the hell are you doing here?

Landing the space shuttle.

What do you think I'm doing?

I'm making a pit stop.

Your office is conveniently located halfway between the

apartment and the diner.

Yeah, well, next time, go someplace else, will

you?

My office is not a toilet.

Yeah, if you say so.

Oh, and by the way, I think I'm

making some headway on the hooker situation.

I'm narrowing it down.

My dog horse is old Mrs. Feldheim.

Oh, that's ridiculous.

Mrs. Feldheim's not a hooker.

Look, I know she doesn't fit the usual

profile, but you don't wear out two hips

without doing something dirty.

I'll keep you posted.

Oh, hey, Margaret, thanks a lot.

Yeah, I took your advice last night and

I told Reggie and Linda about Cray.

How did they take it?

Yeah, would you like to see the bite

marks on my ass?

John, I ride the subway to work.

I get that offer every day.

Yeah, well, I should have stayed out of

it like I wanted to, but hey, you

know what?

Not my problem anymore, you know?

It's over.

Everything's back the way I like it.

What, are you totally ignorant of everything?

Hey, works for the president.

Listen, Dr. Becker, about yesterday...

Yeah, look, Linda, it's over.

I really don't want to talk about it.

Well, actually, I just wanted to thank you.

It turns out you did me a favor.

Whatever.

Craig and I are gonna stay together.

In fact, we're going out tonight to celebrate.

I don't want to know.

Aren't you even listening to me?

That's very true.

See, Craig really wanted to be with me,

but he didn't have the heart to break

up with Reggie.

You still don't want to know.

I mean, I feel bad for her and

stuff, because, you know, we're all sisters.

But, uh, I feel extra happy that Craig

chose me because, well, I won.

Huh.

Got a minute, Becker?

What are you doing here?

Well, I brought you a club sandwich.

You know, just the way you like it.

From the deli down the street?

Wait a minute.

Why?

Well, I kind of bit your head off

yesterday.

But it turns out you ended up doing

me a favor.

It gave Craig a chance to break up

with Linda because he really wanted to be

with me.

So you're still dating Craig?

What?

Oh, you have no idea how much I

don't want to know this.

Oh, I understand.

You have to work with Linda.

It's just that thanks to you, I have

Craig all to myself.

In fact, we're gonna go out and celebrate.

Yeah, but not tonight, right?

No, he's gotta go see his mom in

Jersey.

It seems like he visits her practically every

other night.

Isn't he just the best?

Yeah, yeah, at what he does, he's the

best.

Well, thanks again, Becker.

Oh, no.

Why the hell can't people just shut up?

Yeah, Margaret, get in here.

I need to talk to you.

Please.

Yeah, you're not gonna believe this.

Reggie and Linda are both dating Craig again.

Shut the door, will you?

He's got them both convinced that he dumped

the other one.

Damn, he's good.

You're telling me?

I mean, I can't even get a cleaning

lady.

This guy's got every woman in the Bronx.

Well, then you have got to tell them.

No, no, no, no.

That's how we got into this mess in

the first place.

You've got to tell them.

John, I am not gonna do someone else's

dirty work.

It would be different if I knew it

myself.

Then it would be first-hand knowledge.

But as it stands, all I have is

gossip.

You just made that up, too, didn't you?

No, I was prepared this time.

Margaret!

No, John Becker.

Hey, Dr. Becker, can I leave a little

early?

I've got a date.

Whatever, just don't talk to me anymore.

Doctor's office.

Hold on.

Linda, Craig Brettler's on the phone.

Oh, tell him I'm on my way.

And that I love him.

She left.

Did she say she was meeting Craig Brettler?

Yeah, she's dating him.

Oh, no.

Oh, don't tell me you're seeing him, too.

Of course not.

I don't date married men.

He's married?

Oh, yeah.

Linda, Reggie, and he's got a wife?

I mean, how much abuse does one guy

need?

Oh, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Come back here.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

We both heard that at the same time.

That means we have the same information.

No, no, no, no.

But it's the person who's the closest to

the source.

No, forget it.

Forget it.

Don't even go there.

Tag.

You're in.

Hey, Jake.

So, have you found your lady of the

evening yet?

No.

And talk about guessing wrong.

I was up at Mrs. Feldheim's place, working

on her closet door, when she walks in

wearing a house dress, open in the back.

Says she has a little arthritis, and could

I zip her up?

So?

So.

I ask her how much.

And let's just say, for a lady with

a fake hip, she can really swing that

knee.

I'm telling you, Jake, I just gotta know

who the hooker is.

I'm racking my brain.

Yeah, I thought I heard a marble rolling

around.

Wait a minute.

The answer's been sitting right in front of

me the whole time.

Anita!

You're around the building a lot.

Do you know who the hooker is?

Bob.

Think about it.

I sleep all day.

I'm out all night.

And it's not unusual for me to have

two or three dates in a year.

Okay, okay, I get it.

You're too busy to help me.

I'll do it alone.

Is he for real?

Who would think that?

Sometimes I feel like I'm the biggest sucker

in the world.

I'm the one who's too easy.

I always fall for a smooth talker.

Oh, hey, Becker.

Coffee?

Yeah, thank you.

So you guys all right, huh?

Oh, yeah.

We're fine.

Oh, good.

Because when I heard that you were both

still dating Craig, I had no idea...

You're still dating him?

You're still dating him?

Wait a second.

Didn't Margaret tell you that he's married?

He's married!

Who cares?

You're still dating him?

Wasn't that what you were just both talking

about?

How you're a big sucker and you're too

easy?

We were talking about the kid who came

in and sold us a bunch of magazine

subscriptions.

Oh.

You guys know something different with your hair?

It's fabulous.

If you knew Craig was married, why didn't

you tell us?

How could you not say something?

Oh, what?

You're going to try to turn this on

me again?

I don't think so.

Look, let's get something straight.

In the future, I don't want to know

anything.

If either of you have any secrets, I

don't want to know.

If either of you think they have something

that I might like to know, I don't

want to know.

In fact, if anything happens to anybody, any

place, any time, please don't tell me because

as I may have mentioned, I don't want

to know!

You know whose fault this is?

You know, when you come right down to

it, it's Margaret, that big mouth, busybody.

You know, she just...

She's the one who told me to get

involved with this in the first place.

You know, she's really brave when she's pushing

other people around, but you know, when it's

her turn to tell you guys something, where

the hell is she?

Right behind you.

Now that, I would have liked to have

known.