Original subtitles

(Transcribed by TurboScribe. Go Unlimited to remove this message.) Oh, Rich, I need coffee.

I'm freezing.

Becker, it's that time of year.

Haven't you noticed all the bums are in

their winter boxes?

Not outside.

It's freezing in my apartment.

Bob still hasn't fixed your heater?

Oh, I mean, that's terrible.

I spent last night, you know, in a

parka, three pairs of pants hunched over a

space heater.

Hey, Nanook, read your lease.

No space heaters.

Yes, I know.

I swear to God, as soon as I

regain the feeling of my fingers, I'm going

to strangle you.

Why don't I have any heat?

Becker, the furnace is a very complicated apparatus

located in the recesses of a very dark

basement.

Bob had to call a guy.

And?

And as soon as he fixes the light

in the basement, I'll go have a look.

You're telling me you're afraid of the dark?

I'm not afraid of the dark.

I'm afraid of the evil it conceals.

One more piece of bad news, Becker.

You're going to have to eat lunch somewhere

else today.

Yeah, so where's the bed?

I have to close early because my behavioral

psych class is doing some field research.

We're actually getting to study people instead of

rats.

I think the two may be closer than

you think.

Hey, Jake.

Hey, Reg.

A coffee and a Danish, please.

What's with you, Chuckles?

Department of Motor Vehicles sent me a driver's

license renewal.

A driver's license?

Oh, that's just perfect.

You know, me, a sighted person, have to

wait in line five hours at this stupid

DMV.

All you got to do is sit on

your ass and wait for the mail.

Shouldn't there be some advantage to being normal?

I knew he'd get a kick out of

this.

What are you going to do about it?

Are you going to go down there and

rip them a new one?

No, I'm just going to write them a

nice, polite letter, tell them they made a

mistake.

No big deal.

Oh, my God.

You don't get it, do you?

Jake, you're dealing with a bureaucracy here.

You're in the big computer now.

No good can come of this.

Oh, come on.

You're overreacting.

Oh, is that right?

Yes.

Let me ask you.

Do you remember what it looked like right

before the big storm?

You know, the sky was blue.

The sun was shining.

But way off in the horizon, clouds were

forming.

Well, that's what's happening right now.

A big storm is coming, and you, my

friend, are a trailer park.

That is just like you, John.

Everything is bad news.

All you see are dark clouds.

That's why you haven't had heat in your

apartment for two weeks.

Now, I'm sure if you asked Bob in

a polite and civilized way, he'd have fixed

it by now.

Yeah, better.

See, let me show you how it's done.

Now, Bob, I consider it a great personal

favor if you help my friend John out

here with his little problem that he seems

to be having with his kid.

Jake, he's gone.

Oh, yeah.

And look, he took your Danish, too.

Thank you.

Linda, I thought you were gonna make coffee.

The machine's not working.

Oh.

Did you actually think that you could hide

this from me?

You tell me.

I broke it four days ago.

How?

Okay, here's the thing.

I was getting ready for a date when

I realized I needed a few last-minute

touches.

You know, hair dryer, clothes steamer, charging the

stun gun.

Anyways.

You must have overloaded the outlet.

Didn't you smell something burning?

I thought that was just the computer.

Well, you hurt yourself bowling.

I'm not gonna write sports injury in your

chart.

Let's just say you hurt your foot doing

something stupid.

I need a break, Margaret.

I've had enough idiocy for a while.

Uh-uh.

Not so fast.

You've got another patient.

She's been waiting a long time.

An ankle sprain.

Oh, another one?

Come on, Margaret.

I got...

Hmm.

Miss Hamilton?

Oh, boy, I bet that hurts.

What happened?

I know it's stupid, but I fell off

a pair of high heels.

Well, hey, that's not stupid.

Accidents happen.

Let's fix you up.

Look, I don't want to wait three days.

I need an electrician today.

What's wrong?

Linda blew out the plug.

Look, Bob, I am in no mood to

chat.

What do you want?

Well, I know Becca wanted me to fix

something in his apartment, but for the life

of me, I can't remember what it was.

His heat.

Oh, right.

That would mean going into the basement.

No, that's not gonna happen.

But you know what?

Bob can fix this for you real easy.

You mean you can actually fix things?

All John does is complain about how inept

you are.

It's like my dad always told me.

Don't do anything well that you don't want

to do again.

Which explains why I'm an only child.

French, coffee, please.

A couple of eggs.

Hey, is Bob coming yet?

That little worm still hasn't fixed my heat.

John, remember how I got those driver's license

renewal forms?

Yeah.

Well, I took care of it.

I wrote him a nice, polite letter, and

I can guarantee you they won't be sending

me any more of those.

How do you know that?

Because they sent me a new driver's license.

Yeah, well, you keep on laughing, Jake.

This is not gonna go away, you know.

You're up against forces way beyond your control.

Didn't we talk about this last week?

The clouds are on their way.

The storm is almost here.

I hope you got a poncho.

Hey, Becker?

Yeah?

Let me ask you something.

Do you think you treat people differently because

of the way they look?

Me?

No, of course not.

Uh-huh.

And do you remember last week treating two

different women with twisted ankles?

What?

Uh, well, as a matter of fact, I

remember an attractive blonde who had trouble with

her shoes, and, uh, some klutz might have

been a woman.

Why?

Well, Becker, you were the subject of an

experiment for my psychology class, the purpose of

which was to find out if attractive people

were treated differently than less attractive people.

You're kidding.

You sent those two women to my office?

You set me up?

That's right.

No, I can't believe this.

You know, it doesn't matter.

I treat all my patients the same way.

Oh, really?

Well, let's see about that.

You taped me?

That's insane.

People don't do that.

Oh, they do.

I did.

Let's listen.

First, we'll hear from the attractive blonde.

I know it's stupid, but I fell off

a pair of high heels.

Well, hey, that's not stupid at all.

Accidents happen.

That's you, Tara?

You sound so...

Nice?

Yes, he does, doesn't he?

Now let's hear from the...

Oh, how did you put it?

The klutz who might have been a woman.

Let's just say you hurt your foot doing

something stupid.

All right.

Now that's you.

You know what kind of person tapes another

person?

Nixon.

Oh, man.

Yeah, you know what?

He got his, and you're gonna get yours,

too.

You know, I don't care how long it

takes.

I'm gonna get you back for this.

Oh, Feinbecker, you do that.

Meanwhile, here's your breakfast.

I'm gonna get you back for this, too.

Oh, hey, what are you saying?

That I can't sue somebody for secretly taping

me?

You know, some lawyer you are.

I don't even know why I called this

radio station.

Are you okay?

Oh, I'm just really pissed off.

So you're okay.

No, I...

Linda, come here.

Sit down for a second, will you?

The other day, Reggie pulled a stunt on

me, and I want to get even with

her, and I'm just thinking.

I mean, you're sneaky.

Yeah.

So, uh...

How can I get back at her?

Okay, this is what you do.

Open the hood of her car.

Yeah.

Find the distributor cap.

Below that is the master cylinder.

Underneath that is the brake line.

Cut that.

Next thing you know, she's doing 70 on

the highway without a care in the world,

and bam!

You know what, Linda?

You know, I'm gonna, uh...

I'm gonna think about that, you know, tonight,

and probably every night for the rest of

my life.

So, after a few years, the marriage went

south, and we got a divorce.

After that, I went to live with my

mom in her rest home.

Screwdriver?

I didn't have my own room, but bed

seemed to open up on a pretty regular

basis.

Electrical tape?

I lived with my parents till I married

Lewis.

Then we both lived with my parents.

Nothing kills your sex life more than hearing

your parents enjoying theirs.

Pliers?

Needle nose?

Hey, I'm trying to help you here.

Oh, right, the pointy one.

Lewis and I are thinking about going to

see a marriage counselor.

Oh, we tried that.

The counselor told my wife and I to

act out our sexual fantasies.

Hers was the one about the housewife and

the milkman.

I played the role of the husband who

was out of town.

Oh, Bob!

Excuse me, miss.

Is it too early to order lunch?

Of course not.

Just name anything up there and I'll make

it.

Well, except for souvlaki.

I sort of promised the Board of Health

I'd never try that again.

Hi.

You serving lunch?

I'll be right back.

Linda, look over there.

What do you see?

A hunk on a brick.

Exactly.

And who do you think's behind that?

God.

No, Becker.

He's trying to get even with me for

my psychology experiment.

He thinks I'm going to fawn all over

the hunk and totally ignore the freak.

He's so obvious.

He probably couldn't get the hood of your

car open.

Right.

Now, what can I get for you?

I'll have a tuna sandwich on whole wheat.

That sounds great.

I'll have the same.

Wait your turn.

I am helping this gentleman right now.

If you don't want my business, I'll just

go.

Fine.

Suit yourself.

So, that'll be a tuna on whole wheat.

Anything with that?

Is coffee okay?

Jake.

Hey, John.

Listen, I just signed for this registered letter.

Could you read it to me?

Sure.

The state of New York looks kind of

important.

Gee, Jake, I think it's starting to rain.

What the hell are you talking about?

They're cutting off your disability benefits pending a

full criminal investigation for fraud.

Why would they do that?

Well, evidently the state of New York thinks

it's a little fishy that a blind man

just renewed his driver's license.

I didn't renew it.

I was trying to get rid of it.

Yeah, let's see what we got here, shall

we?

A blind man, driver's license, and a government

bureaucracy.

It's the perfect storm.

Attorney General, on suspicion of his fraudulently accepting

disability payments, mandates that one Jake Malinat have

all disbursements suspended pending a full criminal investigation.

This is terrible.

I need those benefits to live.

I mean, what the hell am I gonna

do?

You find the car of the person who

did this, cut their brake line.

Yeah, Linda.

Linda.

Linda.

It's there if you need it.

So, let them investigate you.

It's not gonna be hard to prove you're

blind.

Oh, yeah, what's he gonna do?

Walk into a wall?

You know, it's not gonna go away that

easy.

I tried to tell you the storm was

coming, didn't I?

Would you shut up with this storm already?

I got it.

Jake, you're gonna have to go down there

and kick some ass unless you're planning on

writing another polite letter.

You know, John, acting like a screaming lunatic

is not my style.

I'll just call them, tell them I'm disabled.

As long as I stay blind, I've got

nothing to worry about.

Oh, you people never learn.

Oh.

I sure hope you enjoyed yourself.

You really brightened up the place today.

And come back anytime.

Wow, I like that.

Okay.

Bye.

Bye.

What a terrific guy.

Oh, it's great.

Now they're both blind.

If your husband's not communicating with you, well,

then, that's just not a marriage.

Oh, I don't know, Bob.

Sometimes I'm just afraid to talk to him

about it.

Well, if you're anything like Bob, you'll go

through all the classic stages of marital distress.

You know, anger, denial, depression, tire slashing, house

arrest.

Well, you two kids will work it out.

I'll see you, Margaret.

You'll better.

Oh, Bob, don't forget to...

I know.

Don't forget the tape judging Amy.

Got it.

John?

Hey, Jake.

Come on in.

What are you doing here?

I'm really worried.

I've been calling about my benefits all day.

I can't get through to anyone.

I can't get anyone to help me.

I don't know how to fight this thing.

I mean, what the hell am I supposed

to do?

So what you're saying is it's raining outside

and you need an umbrella.

Yes, John.

The storm is here.

It's raining.

It's all happening just like you said.

Now, are you gonna help me or not?

I haven't heard the magic word yet.

You told me so.

You were right.

You're always right.

The world would be a better place if

we just listened to you.

Is that what you wanted to hear?

Actually, I just wanted to hear you're gonna

pay for the cab, but that other stuff

was good, too.

You know, Bob, I think our friendship is

raising a few eyebrows.

We are from very different worlds.

You mean because you're black?

No.

Because you're Bob.

Right.

Well, look who's back.

What can I do for you?

Oh, last time I was in here, I

kind of sensed that you had a little

thing for me.

So do you want to go out on

a date?

A date?

Okay, I'll go out with you.

I'd love to.

All right.

Cool.

How about tonight?

We could go to the Howard Johnsons in

Times Square.

They know me there.

Sounds great.

Great.

Well, I'll see you here tonight.

This is so cool.

Becker's trying to put one over on me.

I'll marry this guy before I let that

happen.

You're clear on the plan, right?

Absolutely.

You tear into these people, do whatever you

have to do.

Just get my benefits back.

Trust me, by the time I'm through, as

far as the state's concerned, you'll be out

of here.

You'll be blind, disabled, and totally incompetent.

Thanks, man.

Mr. Malinek, is there something I can do

for you?

Yeah, what you can do for him is

restore his sight.

Short of that, you can give him back

his disability payments and drop this idiotic investigation.

Yeah, you tell her, John.

Sir, raising your voice isn't going to help.

Yeah, when you're one man against the state

of New York, you have to raise your

voice.

Look, what he needs, you're not going to

find in your stupid little rule book or

your computers.

What this man needs is action.

And he needs it now!

John, that was good.

I'm not sure I...

Do you have some kind of proof?

What are you talking...

The guy's blind.

Look at him.

What do you think the white stick's for?

Picking up trash on the highway?

You know something?

I think it's you who's blind.

You know what?

I think you ought to talk to my

supervisor.

Yeah, I'd be happy to do that.

John, she's getting her supervisor.

Huh?

Oh, don't worry about that.

That supervisor's just code for I'm so upset

I think I'm going to cry.

No, we're doing great.

We're doing great.

Okay, whatever you say.

We're pushing the clouds away, Jake.

Wait till you see what I do in

the next one.

Hello.

I understand we're having some sort of problem

here.

Yeah, you're damn right we are.

Yes.

Well, I just want you to know that

I'm familiar with your case and I'm afraid

I see nothing in your file that would

allow me to reverse the state's position.

Oh, really?

John?

You're up, John.

Would it help if my friend wrote a

very polite letter?

A polite letter.

You totally bailed on me.

Mr. Big Storm downgraded to Tropical Wuss.

Thank you.

And, you know, I got your benefits back,

didn't I?

No, I got my benefits back.

They didn't believe I was blind until I

fell down a flight of stairs.

Which, by the way, you could have warned

me about.

It wasn't a flight.

It was four steps.

You know, quit being such a drama queen.

If you hadn't been staring at that woman,

I bet you could have warned me about

the stairs.

I warned you about the steps.

They still wouldn't believe you're blind.

You know, long story short, you're welcome.

What happened to your hand?

Are you okay?

Oh, the outlet bob fix shorted out damn

near blew me across the room.

You were right, John.

That little creep is totally incompetent.

Welcome back from the dark side, Margaret.

For a minute there, I thought we'd lost

you.

Hey, Reggie, are you ready?

Oh, one second, George.

Okay, Becker, nice try, but I proved I'm

nice to everyone, no matter what they look

like.

I even agreed to go on a date

with him.

Now, how far do I have to go?

Well, it's your date.

That's really up to you, isn't it?

Your little joke's over.

You can call it off.

We're even.

What joke?

Oh, like you had nothing to do with

this?

With what?

We should get going.

My parents are in the car.

Good news, Grandma's coming.

I think she's gonna like you.

Just don't let all the tubes freak you

out.

You mean you really had nothing to do

with this?

Oh, my God!

That's great.

You know, I think she thinks that I...

How about that?

Yeah, sometimes God just hands you one.