Original subtitles

[wind blowing]

[birds singing and chirping]

["Qui tollis peccata mundi" from Gloria in D Major by Vivaldi playing]

[Kate and Anne chattering indistinctly]

Well, kids, sorry to love you and leave you,

but I got a hot date in Philadelphia.

[Anne] Oh, Danny!

- Your car is three minutes away. - Aw.

How's your mom, Danny?

Mm. You know Beverly.

She fell off her porch and she's acting like she got a bug bite.

Oh, she's a tough cookie.

I just got to be there until she gets out of the hospital,

and then Aunt Pam can take over.

You think you'll make it back before Christmas, though?

I'm going to try.

In case you don't make it back before Christmas,

maybe we should have a really fast Christmas now.

- We still have three minutes, right? - Actually, we're down to one right now.

- Oh, fuck, Danny, I'm your Secret Santa! - [Danny] Oh!

Get out the Christmas cookies! Start singing a Christmas carol!

- Uh… - Go!

♪ Hark! How the bells, sweet silver bells All seem to say, "Throw cares away…" ♪

That's what you're going with? It's so fast and high.

♪…meek and the bold ♪

- ♪ La, la, la, la… ♪ - ♪Ding, dong, ding, dong… ♪

It's just a couple of days.

- You're sure you don't want me to come? - No.

But I want to be here.

I promise.

[Anne] Okay, I got it.

[Kate and Jack singing indistinctly]

It's a sexy gingerbread man calendar.

And there's one where he's wearing icing for chaps.

I love you. Oh, uh…

♪Merry, merry, merry, merry Christmas… ♪

- Your car is here. - Oh.

♪Ding, dong, ding, dong That is their song ♪

♪ With joyful ring, all caroling ♪

This song is stressful as shit.

♪ Ding, dong, ding, dong… ♪

♪ Dong ♪

- Holy shit! - Watch out, Pentatonix!

- You guys! - [mimics explosion]

["Qui tollis peccata mundi" by Vivaldi playing]

Okay, so this cathedral was the site of the Council of Trent

during the Protestant Reformation.

You guys want to hear more about it?

- No need to answer. Your faces betray you. - [cell phone vibrates]

Mama?

[in Italian] I can't come now! I'm with my friends.

Don't cry.

I'll come. I'll come!

[in English] Do you mind if I leave the tour early?

Just my mother's Christmas tree is tilting.

She worries it will crush a grandchild. I have to go pick up my cousin's chainsaw.

Now Italian Claude is wielding a chainsaw.

Okay.

All right. Um…

I promise I'll check in later, okay?

Enjoy your tour. Love you, bye. Ciao. Ciao!

So, you want to go inside and read all the little plaques?

You know what? No.

I mean, since we've been here, we've visited three churches

and walked by five live nativities.

No, look, another one. Six.

Wow, Joseph is stacked.

[Jack] Hm.

What if we did something not religious tonight,

like a romantic meal?

Oh, I could definitely eat.

Okay, yeah, uh, great. So, table for three.

Oh-- [laughs]

Sorry.

You guys want to have a romantic dinner.

- No, Anne, we can all go. - No. You know what?

Yesterday, I promised myself, today I would be a new woman.

So,

first things first, a new walk.

["Tu scendi dalle stelle" by Alphonsus Liguori playing]

Okay.

Wow, wow, wow.

[Jack] I thought she said "new walk."

["Tu scendi dalle stelle" by Alphonsus Liguori continues]

[in Italian] How wonderful, Claudio!

You're our savior!

- Eh. [chuckles] - [cell phone vibrating]

Hold on, Mama. It's Danny.

- [Danny in English] Hey! - Hi.

[Claude] How's Beverly?

Oh, I'm right as rain, baby.

She cracked her pelvis and she needs surgery.

Oof.

I may need to stay a little longer.

I should be there.

Should I come tonight?

No, no, no, it's all under control.

But the doctor says that we may need to look into

a living situation with more hands-on care.

Aw, you better not be talking about putting me in no home.

People get raped in those. I saw that on Action News.

I'm not-- I'm talking about Aunt Pam.

Pam's on her way.

- We'll figure out a plan once she's here. - [Pam] I'm already here.

Aunt Pam?

I'm sorry I'm late.

I got on the wrong bus and went to Delaware.

- Hey. - [Pam] Hey.

- Hi. - You all right, sugar?

- [Danny] I'm all right. How you doing? - Wait, is that Claude?

- Hey, baby. [chuckles] - Hi.

Oh my God. She's shrunk like a sweater in the dryer.

She can't take care of your mom.

- I'm getting a flight tonight. - No, no, no. I've got it all handled.

Um… I love you. We'll check in tomorrow, okay?

- [sighs] - I like your wig.

[Kate] This is just like the Olive Garden in Secaucus.

[scoffs ] Think I can take my shoes off here?

I have seen more than one person do it there.

[chuckles]

This is very nice, Jack. I'm glad we're doing this.

Me too.

- Look, I know I've been a bummer. - No.

But I kind of had a breakthrough yesterday.

Oh, tell me.

I have spent so much of this year trying to pretend I'm fine.

But the only way to feel better is to really admit where you're at.

Yeah, kind of like how I decided to start telling my doctor

the real number of drinks I have every week.

It is not zero to two. [laughs]

Right. And where I'm at right now is my lowest low.

I feel like a loser who's failed at everything he's tried to do this year.

- What do you mean? What did you fail at? - Everything.

I mean, honoring our friend. Thanksgiving. I didn't run the marathon.

Listen, you tried your best. And you did honor Nick.

Remember you got that website to name a star after him?

That was nice. I shouldn't have called it a scam.

And when I get more ink, I will print the certificate, okay?

[violin playing poignant melody]

Okay.

[indistinct chatter]

Yes, let's decide what we're going to get. What looks good to you?

[sighs] I don't know.

Hey, can we just have, like, a nice evening?

We are. Wait, I mean, I just said, "I don't know."

Right? I haven't even read the secondis.

Yeah, but you failed at everything this year?

I mean, honey, you don't always have to sink to the depths.

Well, no, I don't always have to. But we can't never go there.

This year was hard on me too, Jack.

But I don't dwell on it. I just try to keep moving.

Wow. Well, you're so strong and cool.

- Congratulations. - Oh, come on.

The only thing that I'm trying to get at here, and I--

May I play a song for the beautiful couple?

Yes, please.

[playing poignant melody]

[in Italian] How are things in Philadelphia?

Mama, I don't know.

He doesn't want me there.

He just wants to decide it all himself.

We're back to how we used to be.

If you think you should go, go.

But he told me not to.

What do I do?

No one tells you what to do.

You are Claude.

["Winter" from The Four Seasons by Vivaldi playing]

[Anne chuckles softly]

[gasps]

[FaceTime dialing]

[in English] Hi! Hey! Are you in Italy?

I am.

Are you busy?

Uh, no, I am just, you know, trying to decorate for Gino's first Christmas.

But I have not really had time yet.

His stocking is like a knee sock from when I was Britney Spears for Halloween.

Oh, honey, he's just a baby.

You have at least until they turn five until they remember your fuck-ups.

[Ginny laughs nervously]

Hey, hon, um, do you remember that

duck that I gave Gino when we were down the Shore?

I do, yeah. He plays with it in the bath sometimes.

Did you happen to notice a phone number on the bottom of it?

[snickers] Yes, I did.

Hang on. It's somewhere in here.

Uh, but if I can't find it, can I interest you in this guy?

Oh yeah, he seems like a very generous lover.

- [clattering] - [Ginny] Ah!

I got it. [laughs]

Ooh! Texting you a pic right now.

[cell phone vibrates]

Yeah.

So, are you gonna call Mark Brett?

- Thanks, Ginny. - [FaceTime ends]

- [line dialing] - [clears throat]

[Mark] Hello.

Hi, Mark?

It's Anne.

We met and had… sex at the Jersey Shore.

Mm, I had sex with, like, 30 people at the Jersey Shore, so…

Oh, you did.

No. No, I didn't. That was a joke. I'm joking.

Oh. [laughs]

That was funny.

Hi, Anne. How are you?

Oh, I'm good.

I'm actually in Italy.

No way.

Yeah, and I was…

I don't know. I just was thinking about you.

Uh, wait, Anne, I feel like I should tell you that I have a girlfriend now.

Good for you.

- That is not why I was calling. [laughs] - [gentle music playing]

That sounded weird.

I was actually calling to tell you that I have moved to Italy.

- Really? - Yeah.

Ha.

Yeah, so I'm calling all my contacts to let them know that.

So, that's why I called.

[splutters] Congratulations.

Yeah. And I, um, am dating someone too.

His name is Gianpiero, and he is mi amore,

and that is why I'm calling. So,

um, yeah, if you are ever in Italy--

Actually, Tori and I were just discussing, maybe we take a trip in the summer.

Great. Cool.

I'll be here. You should come visit.

Maybe we will. I can't wait.

- [construction equipment beeping] - [indistinct chatter]

[sighs] I thought their bread was really good.

- Yeah. Yeah, I liked that it was warm. - Hm.

Yeah.

[speaking Italian]

Scusi? What's happening here?

- [speaking Italian] - [Jack in English] What'd she say?

- "Mara" what? - "Maratona"?

Maybe it's a maritime parade. That'd be cool.

Let me see your phone.

[Kate gasps]

Oh my God, Jack. There is a marathon tomorrow.

You should do it.

What? No.

It's a sign. You have to.

No, I haven't trained in like a month. I didn't pack any running clothes.

And I just ate like 60 clams.

This is how you turn this year around.

Imagine how good you would feel on the flight home.

You would be a new man.

- Prego. - Grazie.

Uh-- [scoffs]

Oh, this is happening.

["Winter" from The Four Seasons by Vivaldi playing]

[runners chattering in Italian]

Hey, I look stupid.

[Kate] No, you look Italian.

All the people here are Italian. They look normal.

Well, I'm sorry.

Claude's running clothes look a little different on you than on him.

I think you look snazzy, like Jody Watley at the Grammys.

- Thank you, Anne. - [woman speaking in Italian over PA]

[in English] It's time for you to line up, okay?

I really don't think I should be doing this.

I mean, I haven't even trained at this altitude.

You got this, buddy. You got this.

- [sighs] - I believe in you.

You're gonna be so happy you did this.

[lively music playing]

[Mark on recording] Hey, Anne.

It was nice hearing your voice today.

I'm just having a glass of wine here, or I mean a pint of Guinness,

and I am watching boxing.

- Definitely not Hope Floats. - [laughs]

Anyway, I hope you have a great day in Italy.

Send me a pic if you can. I'd love to see you in your new town.

Buongiorno!

Hey, um, will you do me a favor and take a picture of me

where I look like I'm having fun and living a cool life?

- Okay. - Don't judge me. It's for Mark Brett.

- Oh! Copy that. Okay. - Mm-hm.

Real quick.

So, smile.

- Hold on. - [Kate] Okay.

Okay. There's something a little awkward about your pose.

Like, your uterus is falling out.

Try that TikTok thing where you skip toward the camera.

- Back up a little bit. - Okay.

- [Kate] Great. - Here?

[Kate] Yeah, and skip.

Yeah.

And smile.

Laugh.

[laughing awkwardly]

- Ah! Okay, you got it. - Let me see.

Where is he?

- [lively music continues] - [sighs]

Oof.

[man speaking in Italian over PA]

[cap gun fires]

[crowd yelling and cheering]

- [in English] Go Jack! - Go Jack!

["Winter" from The Four Seasons by Vivaldi playing]

["Winter" from The Four Seasons by Vivaldi continues]

- Bravo! - [crowd cheering]

Yay, Jack!

[Kate] You're doing great!

[exhales sharply]

[breathing heavily]

I'm winded, but I think I can do it.

I'm at mile 13. I'm already halfway there.

Honey, that's kilometers. You got like 20 miles left.

No.

Oh no, fuck. No, no, no.

- [Kate] You can do it! - [Jack groans]

Oh no, no, no.

- [Kate] You've got this. You've got this. - Oh fuck. Oh God.

Yes. You can do it. You're my Superman!

- [lilting Italian folk music playing] - [crowd cheering]

[speaking in Italian]

[Anne in English] Oh, thank you.

Uh… Scusi.

- Would you take a picture? - Sure.

[Anne] It's okay I take a picture?

Thank you. Could I…

Do you mind? Thank you.

[Anne speaks in Italian]

[in English] Thanks. I'm so silly. Thank you.

[speaking in Italian]

[lilting Italian folk music continues]

[crowd whooping and cheering]

[screams]

[lilting Italian folk music continues]

[Anne] Okay.

[both speak in Italian]

[cell phone vibrates]

[music fades]

[crowd cheering and whistling]

Hey.

Hey. You didn't see Jack run by, did you?

No.

But I gotta be honest, I was doing a photo shoot.

All right.

He should have been by here like half an hour ago.

Shit.

Hold that.

Excuse me.

Oh God.

Oh! Jack, are you okay?

I can't do it, Kate. I think my body is shutting down.

No, come on, you're so close to the finish line.

- You only have like three miles left. - It doesn't matter. I am done.

No. No, I am sorry. If you stop, you are gonna regret this forever.

As your wife, I cannot let you quit.

No, I have to, all right?

You want me to cross that finish line?

You're gonna have to drive me there in a hearse.

Okay, come on. I'll run it with you.

But you're being insane.

Well, you're gonna have to run if you wanna tell me what a bitch I am.

Come on.

Let's go, come on.

- [shrieks] - [Kate] Yeah.

["Winter" from The Four Seasons by Vivaldi playing]

Yes. You can do it.

We got this!

Oh! Okay.

[sighs] Shit.

- [woman speaking indistinctly over PA] - [Danny sighs]

Ugh. [sighs]

[Claude] Danny.

[sighs] I know I told you not to come, but I'm so glad that you're here.

Hey.

How's your mother?

She's okay, but, uh, we have to talk.

Yeah, I understand.

[sighs]

I know this isn't what we planned, but…

my mom needs us.

So…

Can she come live with us in Italy?

What, really?

Yeah.

- You will bring her to Italy? - Of course, that's our home now.

Is she excited?

Well…

[Beverly] Is that Claude? Tell him I'm not going.

I'm-- I'm working on it.

["Overture" from Ruslan and Ludmilla by Mikhail Glinka playing]

Do I look like "I Love Lucy"?

- Oh, very "Lucy." - [Anne whoops]

[laughs]

[speaks in Italian]

[in English] You want to buy some wine?

Oh. Um…

- Okay. - Mm?

[cell phone vibrates]

- Hey. - [Mark] Hey, Anne.

Listen, I know that I encouraged it, but I think this has gone too far.

What?

We need to stop texting.

- Sorry, I thought we were just having fun. - We were, and I just…

Listen, I…

After the Shore, I was really hoping that you'd call,

and when you didn't,

I moved on.

And I am certainly not trying to shame you,

and I was definitely flirting too, but when you sent me that photo

of your vagina,

I thought that crossed a line.

What?

And I think I would be remiss if I didn't, you know, say something before,

you know, things went any further.

[softly] That's my vagina.

- And I don't know, I just… - Ew.

Hello? Are you there?

Yes, I am. Listen, this is a huge misunderstanding.

Now, would I have loved to receive that photo in September?

Yes, I would have.

I just-- I think we should shut this down

before it goes any further, both for Tori and Gianpiero's sakes.

Yeah.

Yeah, I totally agree.

But it sure looks like you're living a wonderful life there, Anne,

and I'm really happy for you.

Bye.

Yeah.

["Winter" from The Four Seasons by Vivaldi playing]

Yeah.

Eduardo, it has to be a motorized lift.

Yes, I know how old the house is.

The internet says that if you take me to Italy, that's human trafficking.

Uh-huh. Sure is.

You can't live alone anymore.

I'll move in with her.

[groans]

- There you go. - [Danny] No.

Mom, you're coming to Italy. It's just what has to happen.

- Danny… - Okay, okay.

Eduardo, if you can't do it,

I'll just have to find another contractor who can, okay? Ciao. Ha!

Eduardo thinks that he can't install the lift

because the house is 400 years old and it may collapse.

It's fine, we'll just buy a different house.

- What? - [Beverly] Here's the thing.

I'm not gonna go.

I don't trust the hairdresser.

Where would my bank be?

Bev, brace yourself. There's no Wawa in Italy.

[gulps]

Then there's no Beverly in Italy.

- I don't blame you, girl. - Mom, stop trying to die.

- Hey, I don't think this-- - Claude, I'm handling it.

[exhales sharply]

Okay.

I'm gonna get some air.

Open your eyes.

You see me. And you, stop egging her on.

What did I do?

- [crowd cheering] - [Jack panting]

You got this, come on, you got this. You got this.

Hey, please, let's just stop.

No, no, come on, Jack, you need this.

No, I don't. I don't need this. You need this.

This is your bullshit.

No, it's not. I'm helping you deal with your feelings.

No, I was trying to deal with my feelings by sharing them with my wife.

And then you asked a violinist to play over them.

How are we supposed to connect, huh?

I don't know. Just have fun.

Go to the movies and pre-order food on AMC Stubs.

But that's not a marriage, all right?

Why are you so afraid of the depths, Kate? What do you got lurking down there?

- Nothing is lurking. - Oh, something's lurking, all right?

You wouldn't be so obsessed with trying to fix me

if there wasn't something eating you up too.

So what is it?

I don't… Who knows? Maybe I'm sad the vacation's almost over.

Come on. Come on.

Yes, good, keep going.

- Yeah, you keep going too. - [groans]

Well, maybe I'm sad that our child has grown

and left the house, and I don't have a purpose.

Yeah, and?

And I don't wanna do this, Jack. I'm not like you. I don't like wallowing.

What? It's not wallowing, it's sharing.

It's sharing and wallowing.

And when you do it, I feel like I have to use all of my energy

to keep us both above water.

Why? You don't have to do that.

Because if I also say every dark, horrible thing that I am feeling,

we will go down.

If I'm not a buoy, we are gonna wind up on the ocean floor.

Look, I can be a buoy too, all right? Just give me a chance.

Fine, if you keep running.

[exclaims]

[both panting]

- Come on, spill it. - [groans]

Okay, fine.

I am upset about many things, all right?

I'm at the pinnacle of a career that I worked my whole life for,

and it's only okay.

And my best friend moved away.

And our other friend died.

And, oh, by the way, the world is real dark.

Every news story puts my stomach in knots. And my stomach was already in knots

because my body doesn't work very good anymore.

[somber music playing]

And I worry that you and I are just gonna get weirder and weirder

and keep pulling apart until we're living like strangers.

And all the neighborhood kids are gonna skip our house on Halloween

because we're too creepy.

And sometimes, honestly, I'm afraid to die.

And other times, I'm like, "It seems nice."

Like, sure, the big sleep. All right, let's fucking do it.

- Kate. Kate! - What?

Look.

- We ran a marathon. - [music turns hopeful]

Oh my God!

[crowd cheering]

[sighs]

[cell phone vibrates]

- Hey. - [Ginny] Hi, you. Oh my gosh.

I just put Gino down for a nap. I saw the photos on the family iCloud.

Are you having, like, the most insanely amazing time?

Ginny, those pictures are lies.

Today was a turd bucket, and it ended with me sending Mark a vag pic.

Uh, yes, I actually did see that. I just-- I thought it was European.

No. It was just old underwear with bad elastic.

You sound a little sad.

I used to know who I was.

Like, in my 20s, I was this wild creature just running around the East Village, and…

Then I had Lila, and I was a mom, and…

Now I'm just… [exhales] …I'm floundering.

Okay, that's not-- Yeah, that's not the Anne that I saw this year.

The Anne I saw saved my literal life.

- She was capable and confident, and… - [poignant music playing]

[sighs]

She was my family when she definitely did not have to be.

Those photos aren't lies, Anne.

Those photos are you.

Who cares about stupid Mark Brett?

You can still live that way for yourself.

You're still a wild creature.

[music turns hopeful]

- Mom. - [music fades]

I'm begging you.

Please come to Italy.

[sighs] Honey,

I lived my whole life in Philadelphia.

But that's where we live now.

And Claude,

our whole marriage, has taken good care of me.

Gone along with every stupid idea I've ever had.

That man loves me, even though sometimes I don't deserve it.

Do you remember what I was like before I met him?

I sure do. You were a little asshole.

- That's right. - [both laugh]

[sobs] He saved me.

Oh, baby, please, don't get upset.

It's just, Italy's the only thing he's ever asked for.

[sniffles] And he's so happy.

[sighs]

Please.

Mom, please.

Honey, I don't belong in Europe.

[sighs]

But there's a nursing home

five minutes from Pam.

I can go there.

What? No.

No, no, no, my girlfriend, Gayle, she lives there.

She said it's a nice place. They got good pie.

[scoffs] What about Action News?

Mm. Well, it might not have been Action News.

It might've been SVU or something like that.

I'll be fine, baby, don't worry about it.

Okay, here's what is going to happen.

Beverly, you will stay in your house, but you will move to the first floor.

- Danny and I will take the second floor. - What?

Yep. We're gonna move here and take care of your mother.

- No. - I am Claude, and you will do as I say.

[hopeful music playing]

Sounds good?

[Kate] Dude, we ran a marathon.

- Well… - I'm sorry if I got a little dark.

But I'm better now. I feel better.

I'm okay with dark. I want all of it.

So, when you said you're not afraid of death…

Oh no, I am. I am, yeah.

Especially my car being submerged in water.

I'm very afraid of that.

You know, we have the same fear.

Car being submerged?

You know, there's this hammer that I keep getting advertised on Instagram.

No. That we'll pull away from each other, like, the older and weirder we get.

You know, when we were freeballing, it was awful.

We just gotta remember to move towards each other, right?

Because otherwise we go insane.

I love you.

I love you too.

["Summer" from The Four Seasons by Vivaldi playing]

Ooh.

[Kate chuckles]

[Nativity actors speaking indistinctly]

- [Danny on FaceTime] Merry Christmas! - [Kate] Merry Christmas!

What are you guys doing?

Danny made us fantastic cocktails, but the nurse won't let Beverly have any.

- Yeah, tightass took my nog. - [laughing]

Well, we're all flying home tomorrow, Beverly.

We'll sneak you in some rum balls.

[Danny] Thank you, that's exactly what she needs.

- [Beverly] Yes, I do. - [Danny laughs]

Um, actually, I should probably tell you all something.

Um…

I am not flying home tomorrow.

I am staying.

Oh my God, Anne! You are?

For how long?

I don't know. Danny and Claude

said that I could house sit for a while, and I'm just craving a change of scenery.

Is this Anne 2.0?

No, I think this is… Anne Classic.

- All right, girl. - Yeah.

Take your journey.

We love Anne Classic. Ah!

[poignant music playing]

[Anne] Oh, I can't.

Have safe travels.

- Yeah. - Okay.

All right, Annie. Good luck.

Let us know of any exciting updates.

Oh yeah, I'm sure there will be tons.

- Mi scusi. - [music fades]

Lei è Anne Pagano?

Sì, ma parlo solo in ingelse.

[in English] Oh, that's perfect. That is perfect.

I live just over the way, and received quite a few packages for you,

and I opened one before I saw the name,

and I regret to say I tried on a pair of your trousers.

And they fit.

[laughs] I'm sorry, I must have put the wrong address.

I have terrible executive functioning.

Sorry. Uh, my name is Anne.

Lovely to meet you. I'm Gianpiero.

[hopeful music playing]

- Do you want to come and… - Yeah.

Yeah? Come and see what you got.

[both laugh]

I mean, did they look good on you? You could keep them if they…

They probably look better on you.

[Gianpiero] Look, be honest. Tell me.

I'll show you, and you can just be absolutely honest.

[Anne laughing] We'll do a fashion show.

[hopeful classical music playing]

["Winter" from The Four Seasons by Vivaldi playing]