Original subtitles

WEBVTT FILE

(WHEEL CLICKS)

- Paul!

('TASKMASTER' THEME MUSIC)

(POP!)

(KEYS CLACK)

(LEAF BLOWER WHIRRS)

(PLAYS SCALE)

(KEYS CLACK)

(THWONG!)

- Yes!

- Hi, Mum.

- Au revoir!

- (ROARS)

(KEYS CLACK)

- Yah!

- Oh.

- No!

- Ha ha ha!

- (GASPS)

- Ah!

(STAMP THUDS)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

(TYPEWRITER KEYS CLACK)

(DING!)

- Nau mai piki mai, and welcome to Taskmaster.

May name is Jeremy Wells, and if you're watching this on demand,

please feel free to skip ahead six seconds to when this introduction is over

and we finally get to the good bit when I tell you that I am the Taskmaster.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

With me on stage tonight are five winners of life

and losers of tasks. (LAUGHTER)

Please put your hands together for Alice Snedden... (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

...Bree Tomasel... (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

...Jack Ansett... (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

...Jackie van Beek... (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

...and Pax Assadi. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

And next to me, as always,

because every principal first violinist needs someone by their side playing second fiddle,

it's the one, the only Paul Williams! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

I am ready for a prize task, Paul. What have asked the contestants to do tonight?

- This week we've asked our contestants to bring in the two best things that rhyme.

- Hmm. - OK.

- I think we should start with Jack.

- Um, musicians, they rhyme. Would we all agree? - AUDIENCE: Yeah.

- Yes. Yes, so I DM'd a whole lot of them,

and, I guess, just through my high profile, I managed to get Suzy Cato. Oh!

Whoo! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Yes. And famous New Zealand rapper, Young Sizzle. Um...

(LAUGHTER)

- Young Sizzle looks a lot like young Jack Ansett.

- Oh, yeah, we― we get that all the time.

- So, they make rhymes. - JACKIE: Yeah. - Yeah, they do.

- Oh, but their names don't rhyme. - No, they don't, but they rhyme.

- If you made that one up, why not go to the effort of giving them a name that rhymes with Suzy Cato?

(LAUGHTER)

- It feels like I'm really gonna say 'See ya, see ya later' to five points here, but...

(LAUGHTER)

- Jackie, what did you bring in? - Two things that rhyme ―

a nail and some mail.

- Hmm. - Now the nail is self-explanatory.

And the mail, a little bit of a backstory. So I have a wonderful marriage, um...

(LAUGHTER) Thank you.

And my husband and I communicate very well about all of the big things.

With the small things, not so great.

End of last year, we get a parking ticket; didn't really sit down and talk about it.

Neither of us paid the fine. Then I come home; there's a letter from Baycorp on the table opened,

threatening court action if I don't pay it, so yet again, Jesse and I don't communicate about that,

but we both pay it. (LAUGHTER)

And then we got sent this letter.

- I've never seen a form from Baycorp saying, 'Please stop payments.' (LAUGHTER)

- And I am willing to give this to the person who wins this ep,

and if you can be bothered filling out the form, you get the refund.

- Wow. - ALICE: Great.

- BREE: That's good. - JACK: Yeah. - PAX: Yeah, that's good.

- So generous.

OK. Pax, what did you bring in? - We all agree that immigration is a good thing.

- Absolutely. - Yeah.

- Paul was saying something backstage...

- Yeah, I know Paul's beliefs. I know Paul's beliefs.

But I believe that without immigration, you guys would mostly just be eating mashed potatoes.

- Shepherd's pie. - Yeah, and brown― like, we hate white-people food.

- You hate mashed potatoes? - Oh, we― we pretend to like it for employment reasons.

(LAUGHTER)

Anyway, so what I've brought is two things that my people have brought to New Zealand

that have enhanced the culinary experience, and that is...

rice and...

spice. (LAUGHTER)

- They rhyme. (APPLAUSE)

They rhyme.

- Saffron.

- I'ma level with you ― I do not know what saffron is. (LAUGHTER)

- And you know what, Jack ― that checks out. (LAUGHTER)

- Alice, what did you bring in? - Well, Jeremy, I think you'd agree one of the things we share in common

is a love for '90s sitcom star Christina Applegate.

Yeah. There she is. (LAUGHTER)

Truly the best at what she does. I mean, could you name a better actor in her field?

There you go. That's exactly my point. - Yeah.

- And, you know, I thought what could possibly rhyme with her

that would live up to the standard that she sets? And then it hit me.

Christina Applegate and the 'Sistina' Chapel, mate.

(LAUGHTER) - JACKIE: Oh, yeah.

- So, are you saying that's the 'Sistina' Chapel, like the...?

- No, I'm saying Sistine Chapel, but I'm doing the respectful thing and doing a bit of an Italian accent.

(LAUGHTER) - Oh wow.

- Sorry, Bree. Apologies. - I'm OK with it.

- OK, great. (ITALIAN ACCENT) 'Sistina Chapel.'

- I think go harder. Yeah, go harder. - Yeah, go harder, yeah.

- Bree, what did you bring in?

- This is easy for me, cos my two favourite things in the whole world actually rhyme,

which is art

and, of course,

fart. - JACK: Oh...

Ew. (LAUGHTER)

- Hold on. That's just a jar. - Now, hold on, hold on.

You might think that this is just a fart in a jar, and on one hand, you'd be correct.

But it needs more context as to why it is art.

(LAUGHTER)

- Oh my God.

(ART FARTS)

Incredible. - That is amazing. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- It's an Art fart. - Wow.

- Yeah. No, that's five points right there. (LAUGHTER)

- Yes! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Pax, four points for you. - Yes!

- Anything that nourishes billions is worth four points. - I agree.

- Suzy Cato and Young Sizzle, I'll give you three points for that, Jack.

- Wow. - Nice, Jack.

- Nail and mail?

- Jackie, it rhymes, so I'll give you two points. - Thank you.

- And then one point for Alice, cos it didn't even rhyme.

(JACK LAUGHS) - Oh wow.

- So, at the start of episode five, Bree is running away with it in first place,

and Alice is leaving it where it is and having a lie down. (LAUGHTER)

- (LAUGHS) All right. Let's get to the first proper task of the episode, Paul.

- Here's one that will separate the posers from the athletes.

(QUIRKY THEME MUSIC)

- What are you doing?

- You could've done this before I came through the sheet.

(WHIRRING)

- There's nothing on it.

- What are you doing there?

- It helps. That's what you do, isn't it?

- Oh, OK.

- READS: 'Take the most...'

- '...mind-blowing photo...'

- '...on the camera on the tripod.'

- 'Most mind-blowing photo wins.'

- 'The camera will take one photo exactly...'

(WHIRRING)

- '...five minutes after Paul says the phrase...'

- ...'"Great day for it."'

- I can't read the next bit. Maybe we could just read it from the task in your pocket.

- No.

Should I just give you this one? - Oh, that's nice.

- 'Your time starts... during thenexttask.'

- Oh, wow, so I don't do it now; I do it during the next task. I have to take the most mind-blowing photo.

- Mm-hm.

(LAUGHTER)

- OK. See ya soon. - See ya soon.

Hello, Jack.

Hello, Alice.

- Welcome. - You don't need to welcome me.

- Well, I just did. - You're welcome.

- No, no, you're welcome. - You're welcome.

- You're welcome, man. - Welcome.

- You welcome.

- READS: 'Kick the ball into the caravan.'

- 'Fewest kicks wins.'

- 'You may attempt this as many times as you want.'

- 'However, if you start again...'

- '...all prior attempts are wiped.'

- 'You must start from the spot in the study.'

- 'You have 20 minutes. Your time starts now.'

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- So, in terms of the task, Paul... - Yes.

- ...there's two parts to it. - There is. Kick a ball into the caravan ― as few kicks as possible.

And then during that task, at some point, I'll say the phrase, 'Great day for it,'

and then they have five minutes to get to the lab and take the most mind-blowing photo.

- OK, excellent. Right, whose minimum kicks and maximum looks are we gonna see first?

- By the way, Paul... - Mm-hm.

- ...you're welcome. (LAUGHTER)

- All Jokes Assadi's one of my favourite comedians. (LAUGHTER)

Please welcome Pax Assadi. - BREE: Yeah!

- ENGLISH ACCENT: Get in. Get in!

That's one kick.

You...

Yes!

That's five.

That's six.

- You've got 14 minutes. - OK.

(QUIRKY MUSIC)

That turned the wrong way at the end. That's seven.

Get over.

Glenfield Rovers Under-12s top goal-scorer.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

It went in. That was good, eh?

- Yeah. - WHISPERS: Yeah...

Thanks, Paul. - Wait, you― you're― you don't wanna try any more?

- Do another one and wipe that one? No way. That was―

(LAUGHTER)

- That's the phrase. - What is?

- Either 'it's a great day for it' or 'let's go fishing',

and I feel like you haven't said 'let's go fishing', so it must be that 'it's a great day forit'.

- Let's go fishing. - What?

- I'm super keen for fishing.

- Paul, get in here.

I can't remember how much time I have. - Yeah, I'm not sure either, sorry.

- Let's just practice. Three, two, one.

That's good.

OK, now what do we do?

- Well, I don't know when it's gonna go off, so... - We just―

- ...do we have to constantly jump? - I guess so.

I also don't know if the phrase is 'let's go fishing' or 'it's a good day for it',

cos you said both. (CAMERA LENS CLICKS)

(LAUGHTER)

Was that it? - Yeah.

- (SIGHS)

(LAUGHTER, CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- OK, so what was gonna be mind-blowing about two guys on a mop? (LAUGHTER)

- Um... Uh...

Nothing. (LAUGHTER)

I'm quite happy with my kicks, though.

- Yeah, Glenfield Rovers Under-12? - Under-12s top goal-scorer. - Yeah, I could see why.

- What sport was Glenfield Rovers? - Soccer.

- Oh. (LAUGHTER)

- Burn.

- What does that―? What does that mean?

- I've said all I need to say. (LAUGHTER)

- All right. Get ready. We're going to take a photo of you as soon as the ad break is up,

so you'd better be back here by then, and you'd better be looking your best.

Your time starts...

now. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

(QUIRKY THEME MUSIC)

(QUIRKY THEME MUSIC)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Welcome back to Taskmaster.

Right, what were we doing, Paul? - Our contestants were trying to complete two tasks at once.

They had to get the ball in the caravan with as few kicks as possible,

and five minutes after I said the phrase, 'Great day for it,'

they had to pose for the most mind-blowing photo in the lab.

- Right. Whose kicks and snaps are we gonna see next, Paul?

- It's Ladies' Night. Go off, queens. It's time for my gals, Alice, Bree and Jackie.

(LAUGHTER)

- Can we start? - Mm-hm.

- Would you consider this a kick?

- (BLOWS)

Is that a kick?

Didn't think so.

- (SIGHS) OK, I'm gonna start again.

- (BLOWS)

- Shit.

- (BLOWS)

- Cos my foot's not...

Oh shit.

- (BLOWS)

Oop.

(BLOWS)

- Shit. No, that's gone badly.

OK.

- Oh, come on.

- (BLOWS)

- It really is. OK.

(GASPS)

- That's four.

So, what are you doing ― setting a timer? - Yeah.

- That's five.

- I'm going again.

- Don't look at me like that.

- (BLOWS)

- You've got 14.45.

- Far out. Time management.

Oh, pretty good, Paul! OK, let's go. Photo time, Paul.

- Three. - Three.

- Let's go take a photo.

- Are you sure? - Positive. Oh shit.

- Will we know if the photo's been taken?

- It'll be flash. - Oh!

(CAMERA FLASH CLICKS)

- Oh no.

I don't think this is possible. Aargh!

(CAMERA FLASH CLICKS) Oh!

- (BLEEP)!

(WHEEZES)

- It's gonna be one hell of a photo. OK, quick, Paul! Back out here!

- OK.

- Not bad.

- (BLOWS)

Rugby players do it.

- Oh man.

- (LAUGHS)

- This might be my greatest moment on Taskmaster yet.

- Count me down from 10.

- You wanna wait till there's 10 seconds left? - Yep.

- So you're trying to give yourself more pressure? - Yeah.

- Eight, seven,

six...

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Happy with that.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Bree, you went for the 'down on your knees blowing' technique. (LAUGHTER)

- You wanted a mind-blowing photo; I gave you the opposite in the other task.

(LAUGHTER)

- Jackie, in terms of kicking the ball... - Yeah.

- ...can you define what a kick is?

- So, what I was attempting to do there was I wedged it in between my two ankles,

kept the contact going, so I'd started the kick, but I hadn't finished the kick,

so it was still kick one...

That's one kick. - Yeah, no, we get the idea, yeah. (LAUGHTER)

- But I was really excited about my photo.

- I'm feeling pretty good about my photo now. (LAUGHTER)

- Before we get to the photos, how about kicks?

- So, Pax was nine kicks. - Mm-hm.

- Alice, her final attempt ― five kicks.

- Wow. - Wow.

- Bree ― five kicks. (EXCLAIMING)

Jackie ― there was some hopping. - A little.

- But seven kicks.

- Yeah, I really thought my nine kicks was good.

- It is good, Pax, just not as good as five. - JACKIE: Yeah, or seven.

- I tell you what ― the good news is that there's still one person to go.

- And he is unbelievably uncoordinated. (LAUGHTER)

- Ready, Ansett, and go.

- OK.

First kick.

Gonna hit it over the...

I'm just gonna do what we call in the business a trick shot.

OK.

Don't count that, Paul. - I'm counting every kick.

- Whoa! OK.

And we go down.

Kick the ball into the caravan, they say. - Yes. Simple task.

- AUDIENCE: Ooh.

- Oh shit. Sorry, Paul.

- It's 20.

- Do you reckon I should try that again? - Probably.

- I'm gonna try it again.

OK. Through the kitchen.

MUTTERS: Shit.

Through the kitchen.

(SIGHS)

Through the kitchen.

Through the...

(CLATTERING, CRASH!)

(LAUGHTER)

Through the kitchen.

OK, that one― I'm happy with that.

Sh... No!

Through the kitchen.

Yes! Yes!

Two.

- That's three. - Yes, yes, yes, three.

- Four.

- Oh!

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

SLO-MO: Oh!

DISTORTED: Oh!

Oh!

That was the most successful moment in the history of this (BLEEP)ing show!

Oh!

Yes!

Oh!

Thanks, Paul. - Thank you, Jack.

(LAUGHTER)

(CAMERA FLASH CLICKS)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE) - I don't even care.

- Great work, from you, Jack. Great kick. - Yeah.

- But you, obviously, missed the second part of that task. Are you happy with that?

- It was an abstract shot. (LAUGHTER)

I don't know if you know much about the photography field, Jeremy, but sometimes silence speaks vol...

Yeah. (LAUGHTER)

- So, in terms of the kicks...

- Jack ― four kicks. - JACKIE: Wow.

- Yeah, well, that's good. All right. - He restarted 22 times. (LAUGHTER)

- OK, so one point for Pax. - Yep.

- Two points for Jackie.

Three points for Bree and Alice.

And then five points for Jack. I think that's fair. (APPLAUSE)

OK, shall we take a look at these mind-blowing photos and judge them? - Yes.

- Wow. (LAUGHTER)

- BREE: I look like I'm birthing Paul. (LAUGHTER)

And that's pretty mind-blowing.

- Jackie, what have you got on underneath that jacket? - Nothing.

- Good, OK.

It's pretty clear to me. Obviously, Jack is one.

- (GROANS) - OK.

- Alice is two.

You and Pax on the mop ― three.

- OK.

- Bree birthing you ― four. - Yes!

- And Jackie with no clothes on with an overcoat ― five.

- OK. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Thank you very much. Thank you very much.

- OK, so how's that affected the overall scores, then?

- Leading episode five with 12 points ― Bree Tomasel.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE) - It's early days. Early days.

- Let's keep it moving, shall we? What have you got next for me?

- Here my voice, I entreat. It's time for another task.

(QUIRKY THEME MUSIC)

- Oh, Paul.

- Paul Williams.

- Hello, Paul.

- Ooh, patriotic. - Mm-hm.

- Oh.

READS: 'Improve our national anthem.'

- 'Biggest improvement wins.'

- 'You have 40 minutes.'

- 'Your time starts now.'

- Oh boy.

- How does it go?

# God of Nations...

- # ...at thy...

- # ...feet.

- # ...in the... - # ...in the...

- # ...bonds of...

- # Deedle-dee-dee-dee. #

- Maybe we bleep every word or reference to things that I'm not comfortable with.

- God. - Beep.

- From the shaft? What shaft are we talking about?

- Shaft ― absolutely not.

- The national anthem, when does it play? Before epic sporting moments.

Do you remember an epic sporting moment from any of my tasks recently?

- I think we need to scrap the English. - Do you speak any other languages?

- I speak Farsi... - OK. - ...which is the language of Iran.

I think New Zealand would be, like, on board with that.

- I feel like we go for, like, a Pitbull type of vibe,

because nothing gets me more hyped than Mr Worldwide. - Agreed.

- Culo!

(APPLAUSE)

- You don't look particularly excited about watching this task, Bree.

- This is the one task that I hoped would be cut from the show.

- Bree― Bree has said that to us in the green room. - Multiple times.

- PAX: She says it every morning.

- I've lived here for eight years, and I've done a lot of stuff that I thought would get me deported,

but I'm pretty positive... (LAUGHTER)

...that this will be it.

- I've also done a lot of stuff that could get me deported,

but I was born here, so you can't do anything about it, sucker! (LAUGHTER)

- Whose anthem are we gonna hear first, Paul? - It's Alice Snedden.

- The New Zealand national anthem ― it's just not good enough.

I have reconstructed it, both to give it a sicker beat and to get rid of any language I deemedoffensive.

Thank you.

I should've done a mihi.

(LAUGHTER)

(PLAYS MUSICAL FLOURISH)

(PERCUSSIVE MUSIC PLAYS)

(TOOT!) - # ...of... (TOOT!)

# ...at thy feet.

# In the bonds of

# love we meat. - M-E-A-T.

- # Hear our voices...

- BOTH: # ...we ask of you.

(TOOT!)

(TOOT!) - # ...our free land.

(TOOT!) # ...Pacific's triple star

# from the... (TOOT!)

# ...of... (TOOT!)

# ...and... (TOOT!)

# Make... (TOOT! TOOT!)

# ...heard afar.

(TOOT! SQUEAK! SQUEAK!)

# ...New Zea...

# e...

# land. #

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Firstly, let me congratulations you for adding that sick beat. (LAUGHTER)

Could we go through some of the words that you took issue with and cut out? - Sure. Yup.

- Firstly, the word 'nations', which is quite important, I guess, if― if it's a national anthem.

- Well, I just think, you know, what's nationalism ever done for us? (LAUGHTER)

- What about the word 'guard'?

- 'Guard' was gone? Um... (LAUGHTER)

Um, cos I think why be guarded?

Vulnerability is the most powerful thing that you could ever have. You know?

- Like guarded from the truth.

- And then you replaced the word 'meet' with 'meat'.

- Yeah, that's just a personal preference. Uh... (LAUGHTER)

- I'm ready for another anthem, Paul.

- Draped in a flag with the Union Jack, it's Union Jack Ansett.

- # God of Nations

# at thy feet.

# Inthebondsof

# love we meet.

# Hear our voices

# we entreat.

# God defend

# our free land.

# Guard Pacific's

# triple star

# from the shafts of...

Yes! Yes!

# ...strife and war.

# Make her praises...

Come on! Come on! Come on!

# ...heard afar.

# God defend

# New Zealand. #

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

DISTORTED: Oh!

Oh!

Whoo!

Thank you!

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- I think I along with a lot of people at home will be asking the question there, Jack ―

in what way is that an improvement? (LAUGHTER)

- My amazing kick was included.

- What's happening at any sporting event you're turning up to ― say the All Blacks are playing...

- Yeah. - ...you sing the anthem,

and then on the big screens, they play you kicking a ball in Taskmaster...

- Yes. - ...into a caravan.

- Jack― Jack, be honest. Is it just because you wanted us to see your awesome kick again?

Cos it was an awesome kick.

- I just think you guys are all ganging up on the young guy because I'm an easy target,

and that is a reflection on you as comedians. You get the low-hanging fruit.

- Only you could make being a straight white man in comedy... (LAUGHTER)

...the low-hanging fruit. - (LAUGHS)

- I'm just not listening. You guys carry on. I'm just gonna play on my phone.

- JACKIE: We can carry on. (LAUGHTER)

- We've got three more national anthems to go, but first, let's enjoy the global anthem of ads.

It's time for more of them. We'll see you in a moment. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

(QUIRKY THEME MUSIC)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Tena tatou katoa. Welcome back to Taskmaster,

where five comedians are working as hard as they can to win Suzy Cato and Art Green's fart.

What were we doing before the break, Paul?

- Our comedians were attempting to improve the national anthem.

So far we've seen Alice Snedden censor half the words

and Jack Ansett turn the celebration of our nation into the celebration of himself.

- Excellent stuff. And, as always, please address all of your complaints to those comedians directly.

Thanks very much. (LAUGHTER)

Who's up next, Paul?

- Up next with some light treason, it's Pax Assadi.

- Are you ready? - Yeah.

- Are you proud of what we created? - I'm not sure what you've created.

- Well, I'm gonna be honest with you.

I've gone in, like, a slightly different direction. - OK.

- But still I think middle New Zealand and the South Island are gonna love it.

And you wholeheartedly endorse everything I'm about to sing, yeah?

- I don't know what you're about to sing.

- But just yes or no?

- Yes. - OK.

Unravel the flag.

Music!

(PERCUSSIVE MILITARY MUSIC PLAYS)

- (SINGS IN FARSI)

(MUSIC ENDS)

Kia kaha, New Zealand.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

- So, Pax, did you improve the national anthem?

Or did you write an anthem for a new quasi-Iranian military dictatorship?

- Yeah, it's a national anthem for a new, um, state that is located in New Lynn...

(LAUGHTER) ...where I live.

- The beret was an interesting move. It felt quite Gaddafi-esque.

- It suited you way too much. - Yeah, yeah.

And, you know, I miss Gaddafi. (LAUGHTER)

Oh, sorry. I miss Gaddafi. (LAUGHTER)

- HIGH-PITCHED: Holy shit.

- I think I'm ready for another anthem, Paul.

(SPEAKS GIBBERISH) Jackie van Beek.

- Hello. You may not recognise me, but my name is Jackie van Beek. I'm just wearing a wig.

We are going to sing the national anthem for you, but this version will be entirely in gibberish,

a language thateverybodyloves and knows.

OK, hit it, Paul. Give me my starting note.

(SINGS 'GOD DEFEND NEW ZEALAND' IN GIBBERISH)

You may be a road worker.

(CONTINUES SINGING IN GIBBERISH)

Thank you.

(CONTINUES SINGING IN GIBBERISH)

- Was that German? - No, gibberish. Ciao.

- Ciao.

- Or should I say Auf Wiedersehen. (CHUCKLES)

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

- PAX: Beautiful. - Thank you.

- I'm sure you won't mind me asking, Jackie, but what the hell was that? (LAUGHTER)

- I've tried to make our national anthem more accessible, something that everybody can sing.

You can improvise it. You don't need to learn the words.

- Jackie, I don't know if you've been to, like, a school assembly in the South Island,

but that's how they sing the national anthem already. (LAUGHTER)

- OK, you've got one more national anthem for me, Paul.

- She's here to answer the question we've all been asking for years ―

what if instead of being written by the Irish poet Thomas Bracken in 1976

our national anthem was written by the Cuban-American rapper Pitbull? (LAUGHTER)

Finally, we'll know for sure. Here she is, Bree Tomasel.

(LATIN MUSIC)

- We're going down under for this one.

Where the hard Kiwis at?

We love ya.

Mrs 0-6-1-0 in the house.

And that's Paul. Culo!

(LAUGHTER)

Culo!

(RAPS)

Go, Paul. Let's see you shimmy.

New Zealand.

(LAUGHTER)

We out.

Stay golden, Pony Boy.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- That was impressive work. I mean, I never would have thought of rhyming 'tans' with 'New Zealand'.

(LAUGHTER) - I'm a lyricist.

- Why was Beyonce defending New Zealand? That's the only question I have to ask.

- Look, I had a full-blown panic attack writing the lyrics,

and that was the only person I could think of.

- Replacing God, I believe.

- Oh, OK. - Yeah.

- So, for me, it's who did the least damage to the national anthem, not who improved it.

I don't think anyone improved it. - OK, I'll be honest. Not only did I do audible audio damage,

but I also probably did a lot of political damage, so, um, that's an issue.

- I'm pleased you say that, and that's why I'm gonna give you one point.

- WHISPERS: Shit. (LAUGHTER)

- Jackie, I'll give you two points.

Jack, three points for you. - K.

- I think every sporting triumph that we've ever had was humiliated by what you did, but, still, that's fine.

Four points for you, Alice, cos it wasn't as crap as the other ones.

And then, believe it or not, Bree, you're gonna get five for vibe.

- Whoa! - What?! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- We need to take a quick break so that we can formally write to the New Zealand Government

and apologise for what we've just done. We'll see you after this. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

(QUIRKY THEME MUSIC)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Hoki mai. Welcome back to Taskmaster, the only show brave enough to admit

that writing the New Zealand national anthem is harder than it looks.

I think it's best that we move on to another task, Paul.

- Jeremy, this task involves clowns, but enough about the contestants. (LAUGHTER)

Here it is.

(EERIE, QUIRKY THEME MUSIC)

- Hi, Paul. - Hello, Jack.

- How are we? - Not good.

- Oh.

- Aha.

- Jackie.

- Oh!

- You found your siblings.

- That's not nice.

- I was just gonna go and check out the, uh, Gold Rush. - Time for a task.

- All righty.

- READS: 'Get a ball into a clown's mouth.'

That's disgusting.

- 'If attempting from the closest spot...'

- '...you may use the spoon.'

- 'If attempting from the furthest spot, the clowns will not be moving.'

- 'If successful from the furthest spot, your time will be halved.'

- 'You may not move the spots.'

- 'Both feet must be on your spot.'

- 'Your time starts now.' OK.

- Can I do one and then decide to do another one?

- You can switch. - OK. Sweet.

- So, this doesn't seem too difficult, this task?

- No. Really straight forward. Get one ball in the clown's mouth.

- OK. Who's feeding the clown's mouth first, Paul?

- They're the only parents this season,

so hopefully they've had some experience feeding a human being.

It's Jackie and Pax.

- Quick question ― if I throw you the ball, you could pop it in for me?

- You could try.

- Here we go. So just po...

OK, that's not very cooperative.

It's a confidence game.

Maybe I'd be better if I closed my eyes.

- PAX: What?

Get in the mouth. That's a weird thing to yell.

- Paul, could you just quickly scurry around and collect the balls for me, please?

- Can I change my choice? - You can.

- Just a couple more tries.

OK, I change.

- (GROANS) OK. I think I'm gonna change tack.

Can I have the clowns moving and not use the spoon?

- You may use the spoon, but you don't have to.

- OK, well, now that you say that, I wanna use the spoon.

- Ooh. (LAUGHS)

OK, I'm gonna throw.

All I can hope is that everyone else is unbelievably uncoordinated.

- Come on, man.

OK.

- Spoon. This is going really badly.

- (IMITATES MECHANICAL WHIRRING)

Time for scrummy.

This is much harder than it looks!

- This is really bad.

- Time for scrummy.

(DING!)

Yes!

(DING!)

- I've stopped the clock.

- (EXCLAIMS) I mean, beat that.

- Thank you, Jackie. - OK.

(LAUGHTER)

- MUFFLED: Thank you, Pax.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- I imagine, Pax, that that ball would've been on the ground a couple of times, actually,

before you fed it to Paul.

- Yeah, that ball went to a lot of strange places before it went into Paul's mouth.

But, um, that task was...

weirdly difficult. - Yeah.

But the mounting frustration from even just watching that task was incredible.

- Yeah, Jackie, you were clearly struggling with the throwing,

but then at one stage, you thought maybe you'd be better if you closed your eyes.

- Often I am if I just kind of free my mind, close my eyes and just go for it, yeah.

- I have seen her drive. It's terrifying. (LAUGHTER)

- So, in terms of times, Paul, what are we looking at there?

- Jackie ― three minutes, 41 seconds. - Happy with that.

- Pax ― six minutes, three seconds. - BREE: Not as good.

- It felt longer. (LAUGHTER)

- So, both went from the closest mat.

- Who have we got next, Paul? - Bree and Jack.

- I'm just gonna try... get a few in.

- From my softball days, Paul.

- Do I have to have both feet on the mat? - Uh, yes.

- OK.

- (SIGHS)

- Don't worry, Paul. We won't need too much more of those.

- You know what I love, Paul ― I love a montage.

Cue montage. Hi-yah!

(EXCLAIMS)

Gah!

No quitter, Paul.

- When I get this in, I want it played at my funeral. Can you see to that?

- What, kill you? - What?

Well, do you wanna, like, just Google some quotes, like, about success?

There might be a few Dumbledore quotes.

- It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live. - Wow.

- You getting hungry, Paul? - Yeah. - Yeah, I'm pretty hungry too.

- Tell you who's really hungry. - Yeah. - This guy.

- You guys want me to cave and do the spoon, don't ya? I'm not caving. - I know.

(DING!)

- Thanks, mate. - Thank you, Bree.

- See ya. - Bye.

- Oh my God. They're getting another memory card. That's how you know you're taking too long.

(GROANS)

Where are those quotes, Paul?

(GROANS)

(SPEECH OVERLAPS)

Yeah, I've got a plan.

I'm gonna get some blocks, and I'm gonna make a funnel.

OK.

Aah!

Just need to push it in.

Push it in. Push it in.

With one more.

Come on. One last push.

(DING!)

- I've stopped the clock.

- Oh my God.

WHISPERS: Thank you.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Wow. - Jack, what was it about this task

that made you bring up your death multiple times? (LAUGHTER)

- I don't think that footage reflected how painful that was.

- I will forever be haunted by hearing you say, 'Push it in. Push it in. Come on. Just onemore push.'

(LAUGHTER)

- Bree, you looked like a clown had done something to you at some stage.

Like, the idea of biffing them that hard ― did you think that was gonna help them go in?

- Honestly, I could not wipe my arse for three days. (LAUGHTER)

My arm and shoulder was so sore from, like, throwing so many balls,

and then ― I'm not joking ― got it in first go with the spoon. Who would've known?

- Oh, OK. (LAUGHTER)

- So, Bree took 29 minutes and 36 seconds, which was 186 attempts.

Jack ― 55 minutes and eight seconds. - Oh! Not bad.

- Yes, which was 639 attempts. (LAUGHTER)

But... - PAX: Jeez.

- ...he did get it from the furthest spot, which means it's halved to 27 minutes and 34 seconds.

(APPLAUSE) - I mean, I gotta say, the funnel was quite a feat of ad-hoc engineering.

- Thank you. Thanks for the compliment.

- Well, I would actually like to say a couple more things. - Oh, you will. OK.

- The task did say both your feet had to be on the spot.

- Oh, for God's sake. (LAUGHTER)

- Roll tape. - Ooh!

- I wouldn't say that's in the mouth.

DISTORTED: In the mouth.

DISTORTED: In the mouth.

DISTORTED: In the mouth.

- (SIGHS) - That's definitely disqualified.

- Oh! (AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)

- If it's any consolation ― lovely calves. (LAUGHTER)

- They looked great. - Lovely calves. - Beautiful.

- It's break time now, but we'll be back soon with more from the mouthy clowns

and also the rest of the task. We'll see you shortly. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

(QUIRKY THEME MUSIC)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Welcome back to Taskmaster, where comedians are trying to force food into the mouths of clowns

in what I'm sure for one young viewer at home is a formative moment in the beginning of a lifelong fear.

Who's the contestant heading to clown town next, Paul? - It's Alice Snedden.

- 'Your time starts now.' OK.

Can I change my mind? - Yeah.

(DING!)

(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)

(APPLAUSE)

Both feet were on the mat. - Yeah.

- Do you think that'll be a good time? - No.

- What would you consider a bad time?

- Anything above 10, 15 seconds.

- OK.

Thank you, Alice.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Genius.

- I mean, so easy.

- That's how you do it.

- But you had to use the spoon!

- No. - No.

- OK. (LAUGHTER)

- I think it said you may use the spoon.

- Every time I succeed on this show, Jack losesyearsof his life. (LAUGHTER)

- If it was a soccer ball, I would've just... (IMITATES WHOOSHING)

(LAUGHTER)

- So, Jack ― disqualified.

Bree ― 29.36.

Pax ― 6.03.

Jackie ― 3.41.

Alice ― 2.28.

So that's zero points for Jack, two points for Bree, three points for Pax, four points for Jackie,

and five points for Alice Snedden. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- BREE: Good show. Good show.

- OK, how are the episode scores going, Paul?

- In first with a four-point lead over second, it's Bree Tomasel. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- OK, you guys, head up on to the stage for the final task of the show.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

OK, Paul, who's reading the task tonight? - Pax Assadi.

- READS: 'Count the popcorn popped. Closes to the correct amount wins.

'Simultaneously, the Taskmaster will conduct a pop quiz.

'You must pop a balloon of your assigned colour to submit an answer.

'Each correct answer will offset your popcorn count five pops closer to the correct amount.

'Each wrong answer will take your answer five pops further away from the correct amount.'

- JACKIE: OK.

(MICROWAVE BEEPS) - Are you ready?

- Yes. - BREE: Mm-hm. (MICROWAVE BEEPS, WHIRRS)

- In what ocean is the Bermuda Triangle located? (BALLOON POPS)

Pax. - The Atlantic Ocean. - Correct.

What is the name of the main character in the movie Home Alone? (BALLOONS POP)

Bree. - Kevin.

- Kevin... - McCallister. - Correct.

The Grand Canyon lies in which American state? (BALLOON POPS)

Yes? - AMERICAN ACCENT: Arizona. - Correct.

Which band is made up of members with the names Larry, Adam, The Edge and Bono?

- Oh! (BALLOON POPS)

Maroon 5! - No.

How many states are there in the United Arab Emirates? (AIR SQUEAKS, BALLOON POPS)

Alice.

- 12. - No.

Have there been less or more than 1628 All Blacks?

(BALLOONS POP) Jack.

- Less. - Correct.

What colours are on the flag of the Ivory Coast?

(BALLOON POPS) Pax.

- I'm (BLEEP) dizzy. Um... (LAUGHTER)

Orange. (MICROWAVE BEEPS) White. And green!

Orange, white and green. - Correct. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

(BALLOON POPS LOUDLY, EXCLAIMING) - Oh, that was horrific.

- Landed it. - Oh!

- Wow. - On your spots, please.

Write your answer, please.

- OK.

- Alice. - 236 pops.

- Bree. - I just went with 301.

- Whoa! - JACK: Oh God.

- Jack.

- 76. (LAUGHTER)

- Jackie. - Closer to what I had. I had 107.

- Mm.

- I went with 200.

- OK, we've got all those? - Mm-hm.

- Come on down, and we'll score it. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- So, the correct number of popcorn ― 371.

- Oh!

- So, after the quiz adjustments,

Alice ― 231,

Jack ― 81,

Pax ― 210,

Jackie ― 107,

and Bree ― 306. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Luck. - That means one point for Jack, two points for Jackie,

three points for Pax, four points for Alice and five points for Bree.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE) - Honestly.

- So, let's talk about the episode scores, then, Paul.

- The winner of episode five is Bree Tomasel.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Congratulations, Bree. Please go and enjoy your rhyming items. - Get outta there, Jack!

- Po manahau, Aotearoa.

('TASKMASTER' THEME MUSIC)

- (SHRIEKS) - Yeah!

It's Suzy Cato!

Yeah!

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Oh! So sorry.

- That's a bad start.

- We can do better.

- Ding-dong. Did anyone order a task?

- Oh! (BLEEP)!

- (GRUNTS)

(CLATTERING)

Blimey!

- (EXCLAIMS)

- I'm getting a vibe that you might be a cricket fanatic and not so much a kind of duck-archeryfanatic.