Original subtitles

Rally around Bubba, everybody.

Rally around Bubba, everybody.

Rally around Bubba, everybody. Headlines. William Jefferson Clinton

Headlines. William Jefferson Clinton

Headlines. William Jefferson Clinton weasled his way back into our good

weasled his way back into our good

weasled his way back into our good graces for four more years of covering

graces for four more years of covering

graces for four more years of covering his ass. President Busy Pants is at it

his ass. President Busy Pants is at it

his ass. President Busy Pants is at it again. A formal impeachment inquiry.

again. A formal impeachment inquiry.

again. A formal impeachment inquiry. President Bill, we're totally over you

President Bill, we're totally over you

President Bill, we're totally over you now. Clinton. I'm

now. Clinton. I'm

now. Clinton. I'm >> Craig Kilbornne is on assignment in

>> Craig Kilbornne is on assignment in

>> Craig Kilbornne is on assignment in Koala Lumpur. I'm John Stewart. Kicking

Koala Lumpur. I'm John Stewart. Kicking

Koala Lumpur. I'm John Stewart. Kicking the Balkans 99 Kosovo. New Star Wars

the Balkans 99 Kosovo. New Star Wars

the Balkans 99 Kosovo. New Star Wars movie premieres. Mars probe feared loss.

movie premieres. Mars probe feared loss.

movie premieres. Mars probe feared loss. Fly 2K begins. Possible Millennium

Fly 2K begins. Possible Millennium

Fly 2K begins. Possible Millennium related disaster. Destruction of the

related disaster. Destruction of the

related disaster. Destruction of the Earth through an act of God.

Earth through an act of God.

Earth through an act of God. >> Listen, IF YOU'RE GOING TO PANIC, PANIC,

>> Listen, IF YOU'RE GOING TO PANIC, PANIC,

>> Listen, IF YOU'RE GOING TO PANIC, PANIC, RIGHT?

RIGHT?

RIGHT? >> Boris Yeltson resigns. Harry Potter.

>> Boris Yeltson resigns. Harry Potter.

>> Boris Yeltson resigns. Harry Potter. Lance Armstrong.

Lance Armstrong.

Lance Armstrong. >> Sean Puff Daddy Combmes claiming the

>> Sean Puff Daddy Combmes claiming the

>> Sean Puff Daddy Combmes claiming the puffy moniker has come to be associated

puffy moniker has come to be associated

puffy moniker has come to be associated with too much negative publicity.

with too much negative publicity.

with too much negative publicity. >> Incision 2000. Steve Carell goes on the

>> Incision 2000. Steve Carell goes on the

>> Incision 2000. Steve Carell goes on the campaign trail.

on the bus go

on the bus go

on the bus go >> from the convention floor. [music]

>> from the convention floor. [music]

>> from the convention floor. [music] Steven, are you there?

Steven, are you there?

Steven, are you there? >> Yes, John.

>> Yes, John.

>> Yes, John. >> Johnny, it don't look good.

>> Johnny, it don't look good.

>> Johnny, it don't look good. >> No, Stephen. The Florida recount

>> No, Stephen. The Florida recount

>> No, Stephen. The Florida recount continues. Seasons change. Children are

continues. Seasons change. Children are

continues. Seasons change. Children are born. The aged pass silently.

born. The aged pass silently.

born. The aged pass silently. >> The state of Florida will go to George

>> The state of Florida will go to George

>> The state of Florida will go to George W. Bush.

W. Bush.

W. Bush. >> Uh this is our first show since uh the

>> Uh this is our first show since uh the

>> Uh this is our first show since uh the tragedy in New York City. [snorts] The

tragedy in New York City. [snorts] The

tragedy in New York City. [snorts] The view

view

view from my apartment

was the World Trade Center and now it's

was the World Trade Center and now it's

was the World Trade Center and now it's gone and they attacked it.

gone and they attacked it.

gone and they attacked it. But [snorts] you know what the view is

But [snorts] you know what the view is

But [snorts] you know what the view is now?

now?

now? The Statue of Liberty.

You can't beat that. We honor this

You can't beat that. We honor this

You can't beat that. We honor this unique moment in our history with our

unique moment in our history with our

unique moment in our history with our own presentation of America freaks out.

own presentation of America freaks out.

own presentation of America freaks out. Is it Anthrax, Guantanamo Bay, a

Is it Anthrax, Guantanamo Bay, a

Is it Anthrax, Guantanamo Bay, a color-coded threat advisory system? The

color-coded threat advisory system? The

color-coded threat advisory system? The little known fact about Afghanistan.

little known fact about Afghanistan.

little known fact about Afghanistan. Although, to be honest, before we

Although, to be honest, before we

Although, to be honest, before we started bombing them, any fact about

started bombing them, any fact about

started bombing them, any fact about Afghanistan was little known. I swear we

Afghanistan was little known. I swear we

Afghanistan was little known. I swear we should have bombed them sooner. It's a

should have bombed them sooner. It's a

should have bombed them sooner. It's a fascinating country. Iraq, or as it is

fascinating country. Iraq, or as it is

fascinating country. Iraq, or as it is more accurately called these days, a

more accurately called these days, a

more accurately called these days, a mess. Oopania. Yeah. I call upon all

mess. Oopania. Yeah. I call upon all

mess. Oopania. Yeah. I call upon all nations to do everything they can to

nations to do everything they can to

nations to do everything they can to stop these terrorist killers.

stop these terrorist killers.

stop these terrorist killers. Now watch this drive.

>> You were this close.

>> You were this close.

>> You were this close. >> The recent sex scandals plaguing the

>> The recent sex scandals plaguing the

>> The recent sex scandals plaguing the Catholic Church, they've come to this

Catholic Church, they've come to this

Catholic Church, they've come to this conclusion. The sexual molestation of

conclusion. The sexual molestation of

conclusion. The sexual molestation of children by priests is

children by priests is

children by priests is bad. Now to Enron, the search for

bad. Now to Enron, the search for

bad. Now to Enron, the search for weapons of mass destruction. Raldo to

weapons of mass destruction. Raldo to

weapons of mass destruction. Raldo to leave Iraq. Blackout of 2003.

Did you get it? Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Did you get it? Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Did you get it? Arnold Schwarzenegger. Saddam Hussein captured. Justin was

Saddam Hussein captured. Justin was

Saddam Hussein captured. Justin was actually supposed to get both breasts

actually supposed to get both breasts

actually supposed to get both breasts out. Michael Joe Jackson formerly

out. Michael Joe Jackson formerly

out. Michael Joe Jackson formerly indicted. Indecision 2004.

[singing]

[singing]

[singing] [music]

[music]

[music] >> Situation in Iraq. It's devolved into

>> Situation in Iraq. It's devolved into

>> Situation in Iraq. It's devolved into this kind of quagmire.

this kind of quagmire.

this kind of quagmire. >> Well, that's your opinion. But thank

>> Well, that's your opinion. But thank

>> Well, that's your opinion. But thank you. My question for you is where the

you. My question for you is where the

you. My question for you is where the are you going

are you going

are you going >> now? We have a legitimate

>> now? We have a legitimate

>> now? We have a legitimate win for the [laughter]

win for the [laughter]

win for the [laughter] >> Don't you feel good that the system

>> Don't you feel good that the system

>> Don't you feel good that the system works?

works?

works? >> So today I want to speak to every person

>> So today I want to speak to every person

>> So today I want to speak to every person who voted for my opponent.

who voted for my opponent.

who voted for my opponent. >> You can run but you can't hide.

>> You can run but you can't hide.

>> You can run but you can't hide. >> Brad and Jen splitting up.

>> Brad and Jen splitting up.

>> Brad and Jen splitting up. >> The Prince of Wales, Camila Parker B

>> The Prince of Wales, Camila Parker B

>> The Prince of Wales, Camila Parker B committee subpoenaed Mark Maguire, Jose

committee subpoenaed Mark Maguire, Jose

committee subpoenaed Mark Maguire, Jose Conco, Sammy Sosa, and Shrinky Nuts Mc

Conco, Sammy Sosa, and Shrinky Nuts Mc

Conco, Sammy Sosa, and Shrinky Nuts Mc Angry Pants. say it ain't so shrinking

Angry Pants. say it ain't so shrinking

Angry Pants. say it ain't so shrinking up. The Catholic Church's 265th Pope,

up. The Catholic Church's 265th Pope,

up. The Catholic Church's 265th Pope, Pope Benedict, the patron saint of

Pope Benedict, the patron saint of

Pope Benedict, the patron saint of putting Hollandsays on poach. Delicious

putting Hollandsays on poach. Delicious

putting Hollandsays on poach. Delicious St. Benedict. Hurricane Katrina in New

St. Benedict. Hurricane Katrina in New

St. Benedict. Hurricane Katrina in New Orleans. A war on Christmas.

Orleans. A war on Christmas.

Orleans. A war on Christmas. Waterboarding. Defense Secretary Donald.

Waterboarding. Defense Secretary Donald.

Waterboarding. Defense Secretary Donald. Scooter Libby. Dick Cheney accidentally

Scooter Libby. Dick Cheney accidentally

Scooter Libby. Dick Cheney accidentally shot a man making Whittington the first

shot a man making Whittington the first

shot a man making Whittington the first person shot by a sitting beep since

person shot by a sitting beep since

person shot by a sitting beep since Alexander Hamilton. Alexander Hamilton,

Alexander Hamilton. Alexander Hamilton,

Alexander Hamilton. Alexander Hamilton, of course, was shot in a duel with Aaron

of course, was shot in a duel with Aaron

of course, was shot in a duel with Aaron Burr over issues of honor, integrity,

Burr over issues of honor, integrity,

Burr over issues of honor, integrity, and political maneuvering. Whittington

and political maneuvering. Whittington

and political maneuvering. Whittington was mistaken for a bird. Mel Gibson's

was mistaken for a bird. Mel Gibson's

was mistaken for a bird. Mel Gibson's drunken, some say anti-Semitic DUI

drunken, some say anti-Semitic DUI

drunken, some say anti-Semitic DUI stuff. If the world's off track, OJ must

stuff. If the world's off track, OJ must

stuff. If the world's off track, OJ must come back. The iPhone, my old thing that

come back. The iPhone, my old thing that

come back. The iPhone, my old thing that does all that is very inconvenient.

does all that is very inconvenient.

does all that is very inconvenient. Cheney keeps several man-sized safes in

Cheney keeps several man-sized safes in

Cheney keeps several man-sized safes in his office. Senator Craig, he gets

his office. Senator Craig, he gets

his office. Senator Craig, he gets busted at the kay sex thing. Elliot

busted at the kay sex thing. Elliot

busted at the kay sex thing. Elliot Spitzer soliciting sexual [music] favors

Spitzer soliciting sexual [music] favors

Spitzer soliciting sexual [music] favors from a prostitute.

from a prostitute.

from a prostitute. >> It was his Achilles heel.

>> It was his Achilles heel.

>> It was his Achilles heel. If Achilles heel had been on his penis

If Achilles heel had been on his penis

If Achilles heel had been on his penis indecision 08,

indecision 08,

indecision 08, >> who let the dogs out? Who?

>> who let the dogs out? Who?

>> who let the dogs out? Who? >> Hillary Clinton D. New York and Barack

>> Hillary Clinton D. New York and Barack

>> Hillary Clinton D. New York and Barack Obama delicious.

Obama delicious.

Obama delicious. >> Republican presidential candidate John

>> Republican presidential candidate John

>> Republican presidential candidate John McCain, his running mate Sarah Palin.

McCain, his running mate Sarah Palin.

McCain, his running mate Sarah Palin. Tell me about her qualifications.

Tell me about her qualifications.

Tell me about her qualifications. >> One, she's a beautiful lady.

>> One, she's a beautiful lady.

>> One, she's a beautiful lady. >> Democratic tailgating.

>> Democratic tailgating.

>> Democratic tailgating. >> Universal healthcare.

>> Universal healthcare.

>> Universal healthcare. >> QUEEN OF AMERICA.

>> QUEEN OF AMERICA.

>> QUEEN OF AMERICA. >> At 11:00 Eastern Standard Time. The

>> At 11:00 Eastern Standard Time. The

>> At 11:00 Eastern Standard Time. The president of the United States is Barack

president of the United States is Barack

president of the United States is Barack Obama. Our new segment, the economy, and

Obama. Our new segment, the economy, and

Obama. Our new segment, the economy, and you. Financial catastrophe. The dollar

you. Financial catastrophe. The dollar

you. Financial catastrophe. The dollar worth less than the Swiss Frank. The Fed

worth less than the Swiss Frank. The Fed

worth less than the Swiss Frank. The Fed bailing out troubled Wall Street firms.

bailing out troubled Wall Street firms.

bailing out troubled Wall Street firms. House foreclosures have skyrocketed. The

House foreclosures have skyrocketed. The

House foreclosures have skyrocketed. The largest bankruptcy in American history.

largest bankruptcy in American history.

largest bankruptcy in American history. The Lehman Brothers collapsed after 158

The Lehman Brothers collapsed after 158

The Lehman Brothers collapsed after 158 years after leaving the business in the

years after leaving the business in the

years after leaving the business in the hands of the youngest Lehman Brother

aka Arthur Panzerelli. Mark Sanford

aka Arthur Panzerelli. Mark Sanford

aka Arthur Panzerelli. Mark Sanford hiking the Appalachian Trail. So-called

hiking the Appalachian Trail. So-called

hiking the Appalachian Trail. So-called Tea Party protesters, President Barack

Tea Party protesters, President Barack

Tea Party protesters, President Barack Obama's healthc care reform bill became

Obama's healthc care reform bill became

Obama's healthc care reform bill became a law. And uh that was Oh. Oh,

a law. And uh that was Oh. Oh,

a law. And uh that was Oh. Oh, [cheering]

[cheering]

[cheering] you see who's cheering in the death

you see who's cheering in the death

you see who's cheering in the death camps. LeBron James announced where he's

camps. LeBron James announced where he's

camps. LeBron James announced where he's going to play basket. oil spill in the

going to play basket. oil spill in the

going to play basket. oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. The mosque at ground

Gulf of Mexico. The mosque at ground

Gulf of Mexico. The mosque at ground zero. Wikileaks scandal. Julian Assange.

zero. Wikileaks scandal. Julian Assange.

zero. Wikileaks scandal. Julian Assange. Not only did we kill Bin Laden, we

Not only did we kill Bin Laden, we

Not only did we kill Bin Laden, we killed him in Abadabad. Abadabad sounds

killed him in Abadabad. Abadabad sounds

killed him in Abadabad. Abadabad sounds like the name most New Yorkers would

like the name most New Yorkers would

like the name most New Yorkers would have invented for the fictional place

have invented for the fictional place

have invented for the fictional place they would have loved to kill. I'll go

they would have loved to kill. I'll go

they would have loved to kill. I'll go to Abadabad and I'll shoot him in his

to Abadabad and I'll shoot him in his

to Abadabad and I'll shoot him in his bad bingos. You know what I'm talking

bad bingos. You know what I'm talking

bad bingos. You know what I'm talking about. Move. A story about a snapshot

about. Move. A story about a snapshot

about. Move. A story about a snapshot that appears to be an ample helping of

that appears to be an ample helping of

that appears to be an ample helping of penis allegedly posted by a congressman

penis allegedly posted by a congressman

penis allegedly posted by a congressman whose name is a synonym for penis.

whose name is a synonym for penis.

whose name is a synonym for penis. Wall Street Pizza with a fork. Based on

Wall Street Pizza with a fork. Based on

Wall Street Pizza with a fork. Based on how you eat pizza, Donald, I want to see

how you eat pizza, Donald, I want to see

how you eat pizza, Donald, I want to see your long form birth certificate. I

your long form birth certificate. I

your long form birth certificate. I don't think you were really born

don't think you were really born

don't think you were really born anymore. [cheering]

anymore. [cheering]

anymore. [cheering] >> Wall Street called Occupy Wall Street.

>> Wall Street called Occupy Wall Street.

>> Wall Street called Occupy Wall Street. >> THIS IS WHAT DEMOCRACY LOOKS LIKE.

>> THIS IS WHAT DEMOCRACY LOOKS LIKE.

>> THIS IS WHAT DEMOCRACY LOOKS LIKE. [laughter]

>> All right. I guess that is what

>> All right. I guess that is what

>> All right. I guess that is what democracy looks like. Although to be

democracy looks like. Although to be

democracy looks like. Although to be fair, it's also what Bonnaroo looks

fair, it's also what Bonnaroo looks

fair, it's also what Bonnaroo looks like. The Mets first no hitter.

like. The Mets first no hitter.

like. The Mets first no hitter. >> Just landed a robot on bars.

>> Just landed a robot on bars.

>> Just landed a robot on bars. >> Hurricane Sandy. Indecision 2012.

>> Hurricane Sandy. Indecision 2012.

>> Hurricane Sandy. Indecision 2012. >> Binder of women, book of broads,

>> Binder of women, book of broads,

>> Binder of women, book of broads, NOTEBOOK OF NIPPLES, WHATEVER.

NOTEBOOK OF NIPPLES, WHATEVER.

NOTEBOOK OF NIPPLES, WHATEVER. [screaming]

[screaming]

[screaming] >> I'M on the convention floor. John,

>> I'M on the convention floor. John,

>> I'M on the convention floor. John, >> Barack Obama doesn't care about black

>> Barack Obama doesn't care about black

>> Barack Obama doesn't care about black people.

people.

people. >> Yelling at a chair. I am literally 10 ft

>> Yelling at a chair. I am literally 10 ft

>> Yelling at a chair. I am literally 10 ft away from the convention center. When

away from the convention center. When

away from the convention center. When they told me to go back the other way, I

they told me to go back the other way, I

they told me to go back the other way, I ran into another barricade. We are

ran into another barricade. We are

ran into another barricade. We are projecting Barack Obama is the president

projecting Barack Obama is the president

projecting Barack Obama is the president of the UNITED STATES. [screaming]

of the UNITED STATES. [screaming]

of the UNITED STATES. [screaming] >> WAR ON CHRISTMAS.

>> WAR ON CHRISTMAS.

>> WAR ON CHRISTMAS. >> BENGHAZI.

>> BENGHAZI.

>> BENGHAZI. >> Holy quit. Anthony Weiner's campaign is

>> Holy quit. Anthony Weiner's campaign is

>> Holy quit. Anthony Weiner's campaign is in danger. It's in Carlos danger.

in danger. It's in Carlos danger.

in danger. It's in Carlos danger. >> Danger.

>> Danger.

>> Danger. DANGER. [screaming]

DANGER. [screaming]

DANGER. [screaming] >> LANCE ARMSTRONG WAS DOPING. WELL, I

>> LANCE ARMSTRONG WAS DOPING. WELL, I

>> LANCE ARMSTRONG WAS DOPING. WELL, I think we all owe cancer an apology.

think we all owe cancer an apology.

think we all owe cancer an apology. Korean War II Ukrainian bugaloo. ISIS,

Korean War II Ukrainian bugaloo. ISIS,

Korean War II Ukrainian bugaloo. ISIS, not to be confused with their early '90s

not to be confused with their early '90s

not to be confused with their early '90s incarnation, vanilla ISIS. We'll start

incarnation, vanilla ISIS. We'll start

incarnation, vanilla ISIS. We'll start tonight in in the Middle East [music]

tonight in in the Middle East [music]

tonight in in the Middle East [music] where Israel what? Israel isn't supposed

where Israel what? Israel isn't supposed

where Israel what? Israel isn't supposed to defend itself.

to defend itself.

to defend itself. >> OH YEAH. IF MEXICO bombed Texas, will we

>> OH YEAH. IF MEXICO bombed Texas, will we

>> OH YEAH. IF MEXICO bombed Texas, will we be exercising

democracy in the Middle East? You

democracy in the Middle East? You

democracy in the Middle East? You >> self-hating Jew.

>> self-hating Jew.

>> self-hating Jew. >> A nuclear deal with Iran. The missing

>> A nuclear deal with Iran. The missing

>> A nuclear deal with Iran. The missing Malaysia [music] Airlines flight. So Tom

Malaysia [music] Airlines flight. So Tom

Malaysia [music] Airlines flight. So Tom Brady in all of deflate K daily show

Brady in all of deflate K daily show

Brady in all of deflate K daily show Ebola update brought to you by

Ebola update brought to you by

Ebola update brought to you by Arby's. Arby's see a lot of things cause

Arby's. Arby's see a lot of things cause

Arby's. Arby's see a lot of things cause diarrhea. Supreme Court decisions

diarrhea. Supreme Court decisions

diarrhea. Supreme Court decisions supporting marriage equality.

supporting marriage equality.

supporting marriage equality. Traditionally victimized communities

Traditionally victimized communities

Traditionally victimized communities [music] granted the legal dignity that

[music] granted the legal dignity that

[music] granted the legal dignity that had been denied them so many years.

had been denied them so many years.

had been denied them so many years. Truly a moment of joy. I didn't do my

Truly a moment of joy. I didn't do my

Truly a moment of joy. I didn't do my job today. I honestly have have nothing

job today. I honestly have have nothing

job today. I honestly have have nothing uh other than just sadness. Once again,

uh other than just sadness. Once again,

uh other than just sadness. Once again, nine people were shot in a black church

nine people were shot in a black church

nine people were shot in a black church by a white guy who hated them, who

by a white guy who hated them, who

by a white guy who hated them, who wanted to start some kind of civil war.

The Confederate flag flies over South

The Confederate flag flies over South

The Confederate flag flies over South Carolina

Carolina

Carolina and the roads are named for Confederate

and the roads are named for Confederate

and the roads are named for Confederate generals.

And the white guy is the one who feels

And the white guy is the one who feels

And the white guy is the one who feels like his country's being taken away from

like his country's being taken away from

like his country's being taken away from him.

We're bringing it on ourselves. Democ

We're bringing it on ourselves. Democ

We're bringing it on ourselves. Democ 2016. A billionaire vanity candidate

2016. A billionaire vanity candidate

2016. A billionaire vanity candidate taking the escalator to the White House.

taking the escalator to the White House.

taking the escalator to the White House. >> Hey, only losers walk.

>> Hey, only losers walk.

>> Hey, only losers walk. Presidents take stair [music] force one.

Presidents take stair [music] force one.

Presidents take stair [music] force one. >> Her personal email was, "Don't tell

>> Her personal email was, "Don't tell

>> Her personal email was, "Don't tell anyone about this account at

anyone about this account at

anyone about this account at secret/h.definitely.gov." [music]

Hey, Trevor. Um,

Hey, Trevor. Um,

Hey, Trevor. Um, >> could you give me like 20 more minutes

>> could you give me like 20 more minutes

>> could you give me like 20 more minutes and then before

and then before

and then before >> Oh,

>> Oh,

>> Oh, real quick.

real quick.

real quick. >> Oh, sure. Yeah, that's just

>> Oh, sure. Yeah, that's just

>> Oh, sure. Yeah, that's just >> Good job. Thanks, brother.

>> Good job. Thanks, brother.

>> Good job. Thanks, brother. >> He gets caught on the tape boasting

>> He gets caught on the tape boasting

>> He gets caught on the tape boasting about sexual assault.

about sexual assault.

about sexual assault. >> For me, as an African, there's just

>> For me, as an African, there's just

>> For me, as an African, there's just something familiar about Trump that

something familiar about Trump that

something familiar about Trump that makes me feel at home. What I'm trying

makes me feel at home. What I'm trying

makes me feel at home. What I'm trying to say is uh Donald Trump is America's

to say is uh Donald Trump is America's

to say is uh Donald Trump is America's first African president. The best news

first African president. The best news

first African president. The best news team in town. I don't know who this

team in town. I don't know who this

team in town. I don't know who this Hassan is, but he sounds a little too

Hassan is, but he sounds a little too

Hassan is, but he sounds a little too Muslim to be safe at a Trump convention.

Muslim to be safe at a Trump convention.

Muslim to be safe at a Trump convention. Everybody want me to be their black

Everybody want me to be their black

Everybody want me to be their black friend. I had to start a waiting list.

friend. I had to start a waiting list.

friend. I had to start a waiting list. >> Hassan and I teamed up to help prevent

>> Hassan and I teamed up to help prevent

>> Hassan and I teamed up to help prevent Democrats from repeating their

Democrats from repeating their

Democrats from repeating their electronic mistakes.

electronic mistakes.

electronic mistakes. >> Let me get a whiz out.

>> Let me get a whiz out.

>> Let me get a whiz out. >> Sure.

>> Election night 2016.

>> Election night 2016.

>> Election night 2016. No. No. Please. No. Oh god. No. No.

No. No. Please. No. Oh god. No. No.

No. No. Please. No. Oh god. No. No. >> Fighting over how big his crowd was.

>> Fighting over how big his crowd was.

>> Fighting over how big his crowd was. putting his so-called Muslim ban into

putting his so-called Muslim ban into

putting his so-called Muslim ban into effect. Trump fired the FBI director. If

effect. Trump fired the FBI director. If

effect. Trump fired the FBI director. If he's gone, who's going to investigate

he's gone, who's going to investigate

he's gone, who's going to investigate Russia's ties to Oh,

Russia's ties to Oh,

Russia's ties to Oh, people were searching Kof on the

people were searching Kof on the

people were searching Kof on the internet like it was a Kim Kardashian

internet like it was a Kim Kardashian

internet like it was a Kim Kardashian nude.

nude.

nude. >> Very fine people on both sides.

>> Very fine people on both sides.

>> Very fine people on both sides. >> Robert Muller OJ's finally free. Colin

>> Robert Muller OJ's finally free. Colin

>> Robert Muller OJ's finally free. Colin Kaepernick

Kaepernick

Kaepernick >> used Tide Pods for washing, not eating.

>> used Tide Pods for washing, not eating.

>> used Tide Pods for washing, not eating. Do not eat.

Do not eat.

Do not eat. It looks like he's trying to convince

It looks like he's trying to convince

It looks like he's trying to convince himself. North Korea and the United

himself. North Korea and the United

himself. North Korea and the United States meeting for the first time ever.

States meeting for the first time ever.

States meeting for the first time ever. Bill Cosby guilty. Stormmy Daniels.

Bill Cosby guilty. Stormmy Daniels.

Bill Cosby guilty. Stormmy Daniels. Jeffrey Epstein. The 45th president of

Jeffrey Epstein. The 45th president of

Jeffrey Epstein. The 45th president of the United States got impeached. Robert

the United States got impeached. Robert

the United States got impeached. Robert Muller spends two years investigating

Muller spends two years investigating

Muller spends two years investigating obstruction of justice and his

obstruction of justice and his

obstruction of justice and his conclusion is I don't know. What do you

conclusion is I don't know. What do you

conclusion is I don't know. What do you guys think? The fire festival. Jesse

guys think? The fire festival. Jesse

guys think? The fire festival. Jesse Smlet the Game of Thrones finale. Let's

Smlet the Game of Thrones finale. Let's

Smlet the Game of Thrones finale. Let's kick it off with the Corona virus in our

kick it off with the Corona virus in our

kick it off with the Corona virus in our ongoing segment. [music] Is this how we

ongoing segment. [music] Is this how we

ongoing segment. [music] Is this how we die?

die?

die? >> Trevor Noah here at home, which is where

>> Trevor Noah here at home, which is where

>> Trevor Noah here at home, which is where you should all be as well. We don't know

you should all be as well. We don't know

you should all be as well. We don't know when [music] we're going to go back to

when [music] we're going to go back to

when [music] we're going to go back to the studio. Corona virus has changed

the studio. Corona virus has changed

the studio. Corona virus has changed everybody's lives.

everybody's lives.

everybody's lives. >> Imagine all [singing] the people.

>> Imagine all [singing] the people.

>> Imagine all [singing] the people. >> Imagine you shut the up.

>> Imagine you shut the up.

>> Imagine you shut the up. >> After the murder of George Floyd, Black

>> After the murder of George Floyd, Black

>> After the murder of George Floyd, Black Lives Matter has become the phrase that

Lives Matter has become the phrase that

Lives Matter has become the phrase that people admit needs to be said. If you

people admit needs to be said. If you

people admit needs to be said. If you are a black person or a minority, you

are a black person or a minority, you

are a black person or a minority, you understand what it means to be a target

understand what it means to be a target

understand what it means to be a target of the police and a target of a system

of the police and a target of a system

of the police and a target of a system that is designed to keep you down with

that is designed to keep you down with

that is designed to keep you down with violence if necessary. So, this is

violence if necessary. So, this is

violence if necessary. So, this is movement. This is progress in the right

movement. This is progress in the right

movement. This is progress in the right direction. I understand the symbolic

direction. I understand the symbolic

direction. I understand the symbolic gesture of kneeling to remember George

gesture of kneeling to remember George

gesture of kneeling to remember George Floyd. What I don't understand is why

Floyd. What I don't understand is why

Floyd. What I don't understand is why they had to dress like extras from

they had to dress like extras from

they had to dress like extras from Coming to America 2. Briana Taylor

Coming to America 2. Briana Taylor

Coming to America 2. Briana Taylor Harvey Weinstein is going to prison. The

Harvey Weinstein is going to prison. The

Harvey Weinstein is going to prison. The passing of Ruth Beta Ginsburg. [music]

passing of Ruth Beta Ginsburg. [music]

passing of Ruth Beta Ginsburg. [music] Tiger King. Votegasm. 2020. Donald J.

Tiger King. Votegasm. 2020. Donald J.

Tiger King. Votegasm. 2020. Donald J. Trump is battling CO 19. Joseph Rihanna

Trump is battling CO 19. Joseph Rihanna

Trump is battling CO 19. Joseph Rihanna Biden was declared the 46th president of

Biden was declared the 46th president of

Biden was declared the 46th president of the United States.

the United States.

the United States. >> You can tell these people really love

>> You can tell these people really love

>> You can tell these people really love America by the number of weapons they

America by the number of weapons they

America by the number of weapons they brought to other Americans.

brought to other Americans.

brought to other Americans. >> Trump to face a second impeachment

>> Trump to face a second impeachment

>> Trump to face a second impeachment trial. Trump over there getting

trial. Trump over there getting

trial. Trump over there getting impeached more times [music] than Mike

impeached more times [music] than Mike

impeached more times [music] than Mike Pence has had sex. I see you, player.

Pence has had sex. I see you, player.

Pence has had sex. I see you, player. America approved the vaccine. You

America approved the vaccine. You

America approved the vaccine. You realize that this time next week, we're

realize that this time next week, we're

realize that this time next week, we're all going to be back in the club like

all going to be back in the club like

all going to be back in the club like shots, shots, shots, shots, SHOTS, SHOTS

shots, shots, shots, shots, SHOTS, SHOTS

shots, shots, shots, shots, SHOTS, SHOTS IN MY ARM, PLEASE. AFGHANISTAN. America

IN MY ARM, PLEASE. AFGHANISTAN. America

IN MY ARM, PLEASE. AFGHANISTAN. America pulled out of the country. The only

pulled out of the country. The only

pulled out of the country. The only thing harder to get out of than a gym

thing harder to get out of than a gym

thing harder to get out of than a gym membership. Russia's invasion of

membership. Russia's invasion of

membership. Russia's invasion of Ukraine. He is Kanye [music]

Ukraine. He is Kanye [music]

Ukraine. He is Kanye [music] no more. From now on, simply yay. Will

no more. From now on, simply yay. Will

no more. From now on, simply yay. Will Smith introduced his hand to Chris

Smith introduced his hand to Chris

Smith introduced his hand to Chris Rock's face. Elon Musk and Twitter. The

Rock's face. Elon Musk and Twitter. The

Rock's face. Elon Musk and Twitter. The Supreme Court overturned Roie Wade. FBI

Supreme Court overturned Roie Wade. FBI

Supreme Court overturned Roie Wade. FBI raided Donald Trump's house in Mara

raided Donald Trump's house in Mara

raided Donald Trump's house in Mara Lago. Queen Elizabeth II passed away

Lago. Queen Elizabeth II passed away

Lago. Queen Elizabeth II passed away today.

today.

today. >> My thoughts are with the queen and I

>> My thoughts are with the queen and I

>> My thoughts are with the queen and I pray that law enforcement finds her

pray that law enforcement finds her

pray that law enforcement finds her killer.

killer.

killer. >> Trump arraignment day. Look at how sad

>> Trump arraignment day. Look at how sad

>> Trump arraignment day. Look at how sad Trump looks. My man looked like somebody

Trump looks. My man looked like somebody

Trump looks. My man looked like somebody told him his dog died or that Mike Pence

told him his dog died or that Mike Pence

told him his dog died or that Mike Pence is still alive.

is still alive.

is still alive. >> Israel Palestine. What do I know about

>> Israel Palestine. What do I know about

>> Israel Palestine. What do I know about the Middle East? I'm I'm from the Middle

the Middle East? I'm I'm from the Middle

the Middle East? I'm I'm from the Middle East.

East.

East. >> Indecision 2024. The first criminal

>> Indecision 2024. The first criminal

>> Indecision 2024. The first criminal trial of a former president has begun.

trial of a former president has begun.

trial of a former president has begun. Imagine committing so many crimes, you

Imagine committing so many crimes, you

Imagine committing so many crimes, you get bored at your own trial. WE JUST

get bored at your own trial. WE JUST

get bored at your own trial. WE JUST WITNESSED A DEBATE BETWEEN PRESIDENT

WITNESSED A DEBATE BETWEEN PRESIDENT

WITNESSED A DEBATE BETWEEN PRESIDENT Joseph Robinette Biden versus former

Joseph Robinette Biden versus former

Joseph Robinette Biden versus former President Donald Robinet Trump. THIS

President Donald Robinet Trump. THIS

President Donald Robinet Trump. THIS CANNOT be real life. It just can't.

CANNOT be real life. It just can't.

CANNOT be real life. It just can't. We're America.

We're America.

We're America. God. The attempted assassination of

God. The attempted assassination of

God. The attempted assassination of Donald Trump over [music] the weekend.

Donald Trump over [music] the weekend.

Donald Trump over [music] the weekend. When [\h__\h] hits the fan in this country,

When [\h__\h] hits the fan in this country,

When [\h__\h] hits the fan in this country, the internet [music] is a great source

the internet [music] is a great source

the internet [music] is a great source of information. Kla Harris, now the

of information. Kla Harris, now the

of information. Kla Harris, now the presumptive [music] Democratic nominee.

presumptive [music] Democratic nominee.

presumptive [music] Democratic nominee. >> Democrats have gone from the despair of

>> Democrats have gone from the despair of

>> Democrats have gone from the despair of a certain Trump presidency [music]

a certain Trump presidency [music]

a certain Trump presidency [music] to the joy

to the joy

to the joy of a statistical tie. [screaming]

of a statistical tie. [screaming]

of a statistical tie. [screaming] >> Do you think Democrats [music]

>> Do you think Democrats [music]

>> Do you think Democrats [music] might have any regrets?

might have any regrets?

might have any regrets? >> No.

>> No.

>> No. >> That's a little electric there. The

>> That's a little electric there. The

>> That's a little electric there. The Democrats need to stop adopting this

Democrats need to stop adopting this

Democrats need to stop adopting this Republican fiction [music] that American

Republican fiction [music] that American

Republican fiction [music] that American values only exist in small towns. We're

values only exist in small towns. We're

values only exist in small towns. We're all godless heathens with no values and

all godless heathens with no values and

all godless heathens with no values and bed bugs. Okay.

bed bugs. Okay.

bed bugs. Okay. >> Election night in America. Nothing we

>> Election night in America. Nothing we

>> Election night in America. Nothing we can do about it now.

can do about it now.

can do about it now. >> It's official. America's elected its

>> It's official. America's elected its

>> It's official. America's elected its first criminal president before electing

first criminal president before electing

first criminal president before electing its first female president.

its first female president.

its first female president. >> Luigi Manion.

>> Luigi Manion.

>> Luigi Manion. >> The Los Angeles wildfires. Those

>> The Los Angeles wildfires. Those

>> The Los Angeles wildfires. Those astronauts were gone a long, long time.

astronauts were gone a long, long time.

astronauts were gone a long, long time. >> The first American pope. It's a little

>> The first American pope. It's a little

>> The first American pope. It's a little bit weird that the holiest man in the

bit weird that the holiest man in the

bit weird that the holiest man in the world probably knows all the words to

world probably knows all the words to

world probably knows all the words to the Chile's baby back rib song.

the Chile's baby back rib song.

the Chile's baby back rib song. >> Trump met with Putin in Alaska. Taylor

>> Trump met with Putin in Alaska. Taylor

>> Trump met with Putin in Alaska. Taylor got engaged. Tearing apart the entire

got engaged. Tearing apart the entire

got engaged. Tearing apart the entire East Wing. Gored Madani elected as

East Wing. Gored Madani elected as

East Wing. Gored Madani elected as Sultan of the People's Republic of Al

Sultan of the People's Republic of Al

Sultan of the People's Republic of Al New York. Why was Jeffrey Epste writing

New York. Why was Jeffrey Epste writing

New York. Why was Jeffrey Epste writing about his crimes in emails? Hey girl,

about his crimes in emails? Hey girl,

about his crimes in emails? Hey girl, following up about the sex crimes. Hit

following up about the sex crimes. Hit

following up about the sex crimes. Hit me up if you want sex crimes [music]

me up if you want sex crimes [music]

me up if you want sex crimes [music] this weekend.

this weekend.

this weekend. >> The National Guard is going into every

>> The National Guard is going into every

>> The National Guard is going into every American city.

American city.

American city. >> Another American has been tragically

>> Another American has been tragically

>> Another American has been tragically killed on the streets of Minneapolis.

killed on the streets of Minneapolis.

killed on the streets of Minneapolis. >> Some people see a peaceful protester

>> Some people see a peaceful protester

>> Some people see a peaceful protester getting murdered and other people are

getting murdered and other people are

getting murdered and other people are fascists. I did not see this Venezuela

fascists. I did not see this Venezuela

fascists. I did not see this Venezuela thing coming and I read the news every

thing coming and I read the news every

thing coming and I read the news every day. So the lesson here is reading is

day. So the lesson here is reading is

day. So the lesson here is reading is pointless.

pointless.

pointless. >> American Israel launched a surprise war

>> American Israel launched a surprise war

>> American Israel launched a surprise war against Iran. [applause]

against Iran. [applause]

against Iran. [applause] I've missed you, Mess. Our mayor is

I've missed you, Mess. Our mayor is

I've missed you, Mess. Our mayor is Muslim. Our bagels are Jewish. Our

Muslim. Our bagels are Jewish. Our

Muslim. Our bagels are Jewish. Our Timoth Shalamé Nixon 5.

Timoth Shalamé Nixon 5.

Timoth Shalamé Nixon 5. >> America's big birthday bash. And

>> America's big birthday bash. And

>> America's big birthday bash. And President Trump is celebrating with a

President Trump is celebrating with a

President Trump is celebrating with a UFC fight at the White House. The

UFC fight at the White House. The

UFC fight at the White House. The regular [music] people in this country

regular [music] people in this country

regular [music] people in this country want their president to live in a

want their president to live in a

want their president to live in a slightly more violent Hooters

slightly more violent Hooters

slightly more violent Hooters or a slightly less violent Waffle House.

or a slightly less violent Waffle House.

or a slightly less violent Waffle House. You guys all coming out of here to spend

You guys all coming out of here to spend

You guys all coming out of here to spend some time with us truly makes us feel

some time with us truly makes us feel

some time with us truly makes us feel like we got a community of people that

like we got a community of people that

like we got a community of people that maybe we can hopefully feel like, okay,

maybe we can hopefully feel like, okay,

maybe we can hopefully feel like, okay, we're not all going crazy. So, let's get

we're not all going crazy. So, let's get

we're not all going crazy. So, let's get the damn show started.

the damn show started.

the damn show started. [applause and cheering]