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Rally around Bubba, everybody.
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Rally around Bubba, everybody.
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Rally around Bubba, everybody.
Headlines. William Jefferson Clinton
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Headlines. William Jefferson Clinton
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Headlines. William Jefferson Clinton
weasled his way back into our good
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weasled his way back into our good
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weasled his way back into our good
graces for four more years of covering
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graces for four more years of covering
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graces for four more years of covering
his ass. President Busy Pants is at it
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his ass. President Busy Pants is at it
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his ass. President Busy Pants is at it
again. A formal impeachment inquiry.
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again. A formal impeachment inquiry.
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again. A formal impeachment inquiry.
President Bill, we're totally over you
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President Bill, we're totally over you
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President Bill, we're totally over you
now. Clinton. I'm
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now. Clinton. I'm
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now. Clinton. I'm
>> Craig Kilbornne is on assignment in
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>> Craig Kilbornne is on assignment in
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>> Craig Kilbornne is on assignment in
Koala Lumpur. I'm John Stewart. Kicking
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Koala Lumpur. I'm John Stewart. Kicking
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Koala Lumpur. I'm John Stewart. Kicking
the Balkans 99 Kosovo. New Star Wars
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the Balkans 99 Kosovo. New Star Wars
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the Balkans 99 Kosovo. New Star Wars
movie premieres. Mars probe feared loss.
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movie premieres. Mars probe feared loss.
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movie premieres. Mars probe feared loss.
Fly 2K begins. Possible Millennium
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Fly 2K begins. Possible Millennium
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Fly 2K begins. Possible Millennium
related disaster. Destruction of the
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related disaster. Destruction of the
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related disaster. Destruction of the
Earth through an act of God.
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Earth through an act of God.
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Earth through an act of God.
>> Listen, IF YOU'RE GOING TO PANIC, PANIC,
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>> Listen, IF YOU'RE GOING TO PANIC, PANIC,
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>> Listen, IF YOU'RE GOING TO PANIC, PANIC,
RIGHT?
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RIGHT?
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RIGHT?
>> Boris Yeltson resigns. Harry Potter.
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>> Boris Yeltson resigns. Harry Potter.
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>> Boris Yeltson resigns. Harry Potter.
Lance Armstrong.
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Lance Armstrong.
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Lance Armstrong.
>> Sean Puff Daddy Combmes claiming the
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>> Sean Puff Daddy Combmes claiming the
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>> Sean Puff Daddy Combmes claiming the
puffy moniker has come to be associated
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puffy moniker has come to be associated
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puffy moniker has come to be associated
with too much negative publicity.
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with too much negative publicity.
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with too much negative publicity.
>> Incision 2000. Steve Carell goes on the
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>> Incision 2000. Steve Carell goes on the
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>> Incision 2000. Steve Carell goes on the
campaign trail.
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on the bus go
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on the bus go
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on the bus go
>> from the convention floor. [music]
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>> from the convention floor. [music]
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>> from the convention floor. [music]
Steven, are you there?
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Steven, are you there?
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Steven, are you there?
>> Yes, John.
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>> Yes, John.
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>> Yes, John.
>> Johnny, it don't look good.
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>> Johnny, it don't look good.
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>> Johnny, it don't look good.
>> No, Stephen. The Florida recount
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>> No, Stephen. The Florida recount
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>> No, Stephen. The Florida recount
continues. Seasons change. Children are
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continues. Seasons change. Children are
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continues. Seasons change. Children are
born. The aged pass silently.
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born. The aged pass silently.
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born. The aged pass silently.
>> The state of Florida will go to George
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>> The state of Florida will go to George
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>> The state of Florida will go to George
W. Bush.
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W. Bush.
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W. Bush.
>> Uh this is our first show since uh the
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>> Uh this is our first show since uh the
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>> Uh this is our first show since uh the
tragedy in New York City. [snorts] The
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tragedy in New York City. [snorts] The
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tragedy in New York City. [snorts] The
view
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view
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view
from my apartment
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was the World Trade Center and now it's
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was the World Trade Center and now it's
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was the World Trade Center and now it's
gone and they attacked it.
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gone and they attacked it.
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gone and they attacked it.
But [snorts] you know what the view is
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But [snorts] you know what the view is
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But [snorts] you know what the view is
now?
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now?
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now?
The Statue of Liberty.
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87
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You can't beat that. We honor this
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You can't beat that. We honor this
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You can't beat that. We honor this
unique moment in our history with our
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unique moment in our history with our
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unique moment in our history with our
own presentation of America freaks out.
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own presentation of America freaks out.
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own presentation of America freaks out.
Is it Anthrax, Guantanamo Bay, a
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Is it Anthrax, Guantanamo Bay, a
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Is it Anthrax, Guantanamo Bay, a
color-coded threat advisory system? The
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color-coded threat advisory system? The
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color-coded threat advisory system? The
little known fact about Afghanistan.
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little known fact about Afghanistan.
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little known fact about Afghanistan.
Although, to be honest, before we
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Although, to be honest, before we
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Although, to be honest, before we
started bombing them, any fact about
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started bombing them, any fact about
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started bombing them, any fact about
Afghanistan was little known. I swear we
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Afghanistan was little known. I swear we
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Afghanistan was little known. I swear we
should have bombed them sooner. It's a
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should have bombed them sooner. It's a
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should have bombed them sooner. It's a
fascinating country. Iraq, or as it is
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fascinating country. Iraq, or as it is
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fascinating country. Iraq, or as it is
more accurately called these days, a
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more accurately called these days, a
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more accurately called these days, a
mess. Oopania. Yeah. I call upon all
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mess. Oopania. Yeah. I call upon all
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mess. Oopania. Yeah. I call upon all
nations to do everything they can to
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nations to do everything they can to
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nations to do everything they can to
stop these terrorist killers.
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stop these terrorist killers.
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stop these terrorist killers.
Now watch this drive.
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>> You were this close.
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>> You were this close.
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>> You were this close.
>> The recent sex scandals plaguing the
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>> The recent sex scandals plaguing the
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>> The recent sex scandals plaguing the
Catholic Church, they've come to this
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Catholic Church, they've come to this
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Catholic Church, they've come to this
conclusion. The sexual molestation of
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conclusion. The sexual molestation of
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conclusion. The sexual molestation of
children by priests is
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children by priests is
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children by priests is
bad. Now to Enron, the search for
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bad. Now to Enron, the search for
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bad. Now to Enron, the search for
weapons of mass destruction. Raldo to
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weapons of mass destruction. Raldo to
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weapons of mass destruction. Raldo to
leave Iraq. Blackout of 2003.
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Did you get it? Arnold Schwarzenegger.
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Did you get it? Arnold Schwarzenegger.
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Did you get it? Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Saddam Hussein captured. Justin was
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Saddam Hussein captured. Justin was
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Saddam Hussein captured. Justin was
actually supposed to get both breasts
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actually supposed to get both breasts
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actually supposed to get both breasts
out. Michael Joe Jackson formerly
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out. Michael Joe Jackson formerly
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out. Michael Joe Jackson formerly
indicted. Indecision 2004.
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[singing]
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[singing]
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[singing]
[music]
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[music]
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[music]
>> Situation in Iraq. It's devolved into
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>> Situation in Iraq. It's devolved into
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>> Situation in Iraq. It's devolved into
this kind of quagmire.
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this kind of quagmire.
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this kind of quagmire.
>> Well, that's your opinion. But thank
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>> Well, that's your opinion. But thank
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>> Well, that's your opinion. But thank
you. My question for you is where the
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you. My question for you is where the
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you. My question for you is where the
are you going
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are you going
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are you going
>> now? We have a legitimate
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>> now? We have a legitimate
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>> now? We have a legitimate
win for the [laughter]
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win for the [laughter]
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win for the [laughter]
>> Don't you feel good that the system
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>> Don't you feel good that the system
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>> Don't you feel good that the system
works?
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works?
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works?
>> So today I want to speak to every person
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>> So today I want to speak to every person
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>> So today I want to speak to every person
who voted for my opponent.
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who voted for my opponent.
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who voted for my opponent.
>> You can run but you can't hide.
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>> You can run but you can't hide.
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>> You can run but you can't hide.
>> Brad and Jen splitting up.
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>> Brad and Jen splitting up.
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>> Brad and Jen splitting up.
>> The Prince of Wales, Camila Parker B
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>> The Prince of Wales, Camila Parker B
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>> The Prince of Wales, Camila Parker B
committee subpoenaed Mark Maguire, Jose
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committee subpoenaed Mark Maguire, Jose
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committee subpoenaed Mark Maguire, Jose
Conco, Sammy Sosa, and Shrinky Nuts Mc
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Conco, Sammy Sosa, and Shrinky Nuts Mc
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Conco, Sammy Sosa, and Shrinky Nuts Mc
Angry Pants. say it ain't so shrinking
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Angry Pants. say it ain't so shrinking
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Angry Pants. say it ain't so shrinking
up. The Catholic Church's 265th Pope,
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up. The Catholic Church's 265th Pope,
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up. The Catholic Church's 265th Pope,
Pope Benedict, the patron saint of
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Pope Benedict, the patron saint of
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Pope Benedict, the patron saint of
putting Hollandsays on poach. Delicious
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putting Hollandsays on poach. Delicious
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putting Hollandsays on poach. Delicious
St. Benedict. Hurricane Katrina in New
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St. Benedict. Hurricane Katrina in New
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St. Benedict. Hurricane Katrina in New
Orleans. A war on Christmas.
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Orleans. A war on Christmas.
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Orleans. A war on Christmas.
Waterboarding. Defense Secretary Donald.
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Waterboarding. Defense Secretary Donald.
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Waterboarding. Defense Secretary Donald.
Scooter Libby. Dick Cheney accidentally
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Scooter Libby. Dick Cheney accidentally
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Scooter Libby. Dick Cheney accidentally
shot a man making Whittington the first
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shot a man making Whittington the first
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shot a man making Whittington the first
person shot by a sitting beep since
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person shot by a sitting beep since
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person shot by a sitting beep since
Alexander Hamilton. Alexander Hamilton,
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Alexander Hamilton. Alexander Hamilton,
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Alexander Hamilton. Alexander Hamilton,
of course, was shot in a duel with Aaron
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of course, was shot in a duel with Aaron
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of course, was shot in a duel with Aaron
Burr over issues of honor, integrity,
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Burr over issues of honor, integrity,
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Burr over issues of honor, integrity,
and political maneuvering. Whittington
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and political maneuvering. Whittington
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and political maneuvering. Whittington
was mistaken for a bird. Mel Gibson's
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was mistaken for a bird. Mel Gibson's
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was mistaken for a bird. Mel Gibson's
drunken, some say anti-Semitic DUI
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drunken, some say anti-Semitic DUI
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drunken, some say anti-Semitic DUI
stuff. If the world's off track, OJ must
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stuff. If the world's off track, OJ must
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stuff. If the world's off track, OJ must
come back. The iPhone, my old thing that
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come back. The iPhone, my old thing that
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come back. The iPhone, my old thing that
does all that is very inconvenient.
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does all that is very inconvenient.
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does all that is very inconvenient.
Cheney keeps several man-sized safes in
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Cheney keeps several man-sized safes in
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Cheney keeps several man-sized safes in
his office. Senator Craig, he gets
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his office. Senator Craig, he gets
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his office. Senator Craig, he gets
busted at the kay sex thing. Elliot
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busted at the kay sex thing. Elliot
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busted at the kay sex thing. Elliot
Spitzer soliciting sexual [music] favors
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Spitzer soliciting sexual [music] favors
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Spitzer soliciting sexual [music] favors
from a prostitute.
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from a prostitute.
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from a prostitute.
>> It was his Achilles heel.
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>> It was his Achilles heel.
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>> It was his Achilles heel.
If Achilles heel had been on his penis
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If Achilles heel had been on his penis
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If Achilles heel had been on his penis
indecision 08,
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indecision 08,
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indecision 08,
>> who let the dogs out? Who?
236
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>> who let the dogs out? Who?
237
00:04:57,360 --> 00:04:59,189
>> who let the dogs out? Who?
>> Hillary Clinton D. New York and Barack
238
00:04:59,189 --> 00:04:59,199
>> Hillary Clinton D. New York and Barack
239
00:04:59,199 --> 00:05:02,150
>> Hillary Clinton D. New York and Barack
Obama delicious.
240
00:05:02,150 --> 00:05:02,160
Obama delicious.
241
00:05:02,160 --> 00:05:03,670
Obama delicious.
>> Republican presidential candidate John
242
00:05:03,670 --> 00:05:03,680
>> Republican presidential candidate John
243
00:05:03,680 --> 00:05:05,670
>> Republican presidential candidate John
McCain, his running mate Sarah Palin.
244
00:05:05,670 --> 00:05:05,680
McCain, his running mate Sarah Palin.
245
00:05:05,680 --> 00:05:07,350
McCain, his running mate Sarah Palin.
Tell me about her qualifications.
246
00:05:07,350 --> 00:05:07,360
Tell me about her qualifications.
247
00:05:07,360 --> 00:05:09,590
Tell me about her qualifications.
>> One, she's a beautiful lady.
248
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>> One, she's a beautiful lady.
249
00:05:09,600 --> 00:05:11,430
>> One, she's a beautiful lady.
>> Democratic tailgating.
250
00:05:11,430 --> 00:05:11,440
>> Democratic tailgating.
251
00:05:11,440 --> 00:05:14,230
>> Democratic tailgating.
>> Universal healthcare.
252
00:05:14,230 --> 00:05:14,240
>> Universal healthcare.
253
00:05:14,240 --> 00:05:16,070
>> Universal healthcare.
>> QUEEN OF AMERICA.
254
00:05:16,070 --> 00:05:16,080
>> QUEEN OF AMERICA.
255
00:05:16,080 --> 00:05:18,790
>> QUEEN OF AMERICA.
>> At 11:00 Eastern Standard Time. The
256
00:05:18,790 --> 00:05:18,800
>> At 11:00 Eastern Standard Time. The
257
00:05:18,800 --> 00:05:20,150
>> At 11:00 Eastern Standard Time. The
president of the United States is Barack
258
00:05:20,150 --> 00:05:20,160
president of the United States is Barack
259
00:05:20,160 --> 00:05:24,150
president of the United States is Barack
Obama. Our new segment, the economy, and
260
00:05:24,150 --> 00:05:24,160
Obama. Our new segment, the economy, and
261
00:05:24,160 --> 00:05:26,230
Obama. Our new segment, the economy, and
you. Financial catastrophe. The dollar
262
00:05:26,230 --> 00:05:26,240
you. Financial catastrophe. The dollar
263
00:05:26,240 --> 00:05:27,990
you. Financial catastrophe. The dollar
worth less than the Swiss Frank. The Fed
264
00:05:27,990 --> 00:05:28,000
worth less than the Swiss Frank. The Fed
265
00:05:28,000 --> 00:05:29,510
worth less than the Swiss Frank. The Fed
bailing out troubled Wall Street firms.
266
00:05:29,510 --> 00:05:29,520
bailing out troubled Wall Street firms.
267
00:05:29,520 --> 00:05:31,350
bailing out troubled Wall Street firms.
House foreclosures have skyrocketed. The
268
00:05:31,350 --> 00:05:31,360
House foreclosures have skyrocketed. The
269
00:05:31,360 --> 00:05:32,710
House foreclosures have skyrocketed. The
largest bankruptcy in American history.
270
00:05:32,710 --> 00:05:32,720
largest bankruptcy in American history.
271
00:05:32,720 --> 00:05:35,110
largest bankruptcy in American history.
The Lehman Brothers collapsed after 158
272
00:05:35,110 --> 00:05:35,120
The Lehman Brothers collapsed after 158
273
00:05:35,120 --> 00:05:36,710
The Lehman Brothers collapsed after 158
years after leaving the business in the
274
00:05:36,710 --> 00:05:36,720
years after leaving the business in the
275
00:05:36,720 --> 00:05:42,070
years after leaving the business in the
hands of the youngest Lehman Brother
276
00:05:42,070 --> 00:05:42,080
277
00:05:42,080 --> 00:05:44,870
aka Arthur Panzerelli. Mark Sanford
278
00:05:44,870 --> 00:05:44,880
aka Arthur Panzerelli. Mark Sanford
279
00:05:44,880 --> 00:05:46,790
aka Arthur Panzerelli. Mark Sanford
hiking the Appalachian Trail. So-called
280
00:05:46,790 --> 00:05:46,800
hiking the Appalachian Trail. So-called
281
00:05:46,800 --> 00:05:48,550
hiking the Appalachian Trail. So-called
Tea Party protesters, President Barack
282
00:05:48,550 --> 00:05:48,560
Tea Party protesters, President Barack
283
00:05:48,560 --> 00:05:50,550
Tea Party protesters, President Barack
Obama's healthc care reform bill became
284
00:05:50,550 --> 00:05:50,560
Obama's healthc care reform bill became
285
00:05:50,560 --> 00:05:53,038
Obama's healthc care reform bill became
a law. And uh that was Oh. Oh,
286
00:05:53,038 --> 00:05:53,048
a law. And uh that was Oh. Oh,
287
00:05:53,048 --> 00:05:54,710
a law. And uh that was Oh. Oh,
[cheering]
288
00:05:54,710 --> 00:05:54,720
[cheering]
289
00:05:54,720 --> 00:05:56,629
[cheering]
you see who's cheering in the death
290
00:05:56,629 --> 00:05:56,639
you see who's cheering in the death
291
00:05:56,639 --> 00:06:00,150
you see who's cheering in the death
camps. LeBron James announced where he's
292
00:06:00,150 --> 00:06:00,160
camps. LeBron James announced where he's
293
00:06:00,160 --> 00:06:03,110
camps. LeBron James announced where he's
going to play basket. oil spill in the
294
00:06:03,110 --> 00:06:03,120
going to play basket. oil spill in the
295
00:06:03,120 --> 00:06:04,870
going to play basket. oil spill in the
Gulf of Mexico. The mosque at ground
296
00:06:04,870 --> 00:06:04,880
Gulf of Mexico. The mosque at ground
297
00:06:04,880 --> 00:06:08,070
Gulf of Mexico. The mosque at ground
zero. Wikileaks scandal. Julian Assange.
298
00:06:08,070 --> 00:06:08,080
zero. Wikileaks scandal. Julian Assange.
299
00:06:08,080 --> 00:06:09,430
zero. Wikileaks scandal. Julian Assange.
Not only did we kill Bin Laden, we
300
00:06:09,430 --> 00:06:09,440
Not only did we kill Bin Laden, we
301
00:06:09,440 --> 00:06:11,990
Not only did we kill Bin Laden, we
killed him in Abadabad. Abadabad sounds
302
00:06:11,990 --> 00:06:12,000
killed him in Abadabad. Abadabad sounds
303
00:06:12,000 --> 00:06:13,990
killed him in Abadabad. Abadabad sounds
like the name most New Yorkers would
304
00:06:13,990 --> 00:06:14,000
like the name most New Yorkers would
305
00:06:14,000 --> 00:06:16,950
like the name most New Yorkers would
have invented for the fictional place
306
00:06:16,950 --> 00:06:16,960
have invented for the fictional place
307
00:06:16,960 --> 00:06:19,270
have invented for the fictional place
they would have loved to kill. I'll go
308
00:06:19,270 --> 00:06:19,280
they would have loved to kill. I'll go
309
00:06:19,280 --> 00:06:21,590
they would have loved to kill. I'll go
to Abadabad and I'll shoot him in his
310
00:06:21,590 --> 00:06:21,600
to Abadabad and I'll shoot him in his
311
00:06:21,600 --> 00:06:23,029
to Abadabad and I'll shoot him in his
bad bingos. You know what I'm talking
312
00:06:23,029 --> 00:06:23,039
bad bingos. You know what I'm talking
313
00:06:23,039 --> 00:06:27,590
bad bingos. You know what I'm talking
about. Move. A story about a snapshot
314
00:06:27,590 --> 00:06:27,600
about. Move. A story about a snapshot
315
00:06:27,600 --> 00:06:29,350
about. Move. A story about a snapshot
that appears to be an ample helping of
316
00:06:29,350 --> 00:06:29,360
that appears to be an ample helping of
317
00:06:29,360 --> 00:06:31,990
that appears to be an ample helping of
penis allegedly posted by a congressman
318
00:06:31,990 --> 00:06:32,000
penis allegedly posted by a congressman
319
00:06:32,000 --> 00:06:34,950
penis allegedly posted by a congressman
whose name is a synonym for penis.
320
00:06:34,950 --> 00:06:34,960
whose name is a synonym for penis.
321
00:06:34,960 --> 00:06:36,550
whose name is a synonym for penis.
Wall Street Pizza with a fork. Based on
322
00:06:36,550 --> 00:06:36,560
Wall Street Pizza with a fork. Based on
323
00:06:36,560 --> 00:06:37,909
Wall Street Pizza with a fork. Based on
how you eat pizza, Donald, I want to see
324
00:06:37,909 --> 00:06:37,919
how you eat pizza, Donald, I want to see
325
00:06:37,919 --> 00:06:39,270
how you eat pizza, Donald, I want to see
your long form birth certificate. I
326
00:06:39,270 --> 00:06:39,280
your long form birth certificate. I
327
00:06:39,280 --> 00:06:40,070
your long form birth certificate. I
don't think you were really born
328
00:06:40,070 --> 00:06:40,080
don't think you were really born
329
00:06:40,080 --> 00:06:42,309
don't think you were really born
anymore. [cheering]
330
00:06:42,309 --> 00:06:42,319
anymore. [cheering]
331
00:06:42,319 --> 00:06:44,710
anymore. [cheering]
>> Wall Street called Occupy Wall Street.
332
00:06:44,710 --> 00:06:44,720
>> Wall Street called Occupy Wall Street.
333
00:06:44,720 --> 00:06:47,404
>> Wall Street called Occupy Wall Street.
>> THIS IS WHAT DEMOCRACY LOOKS LIKE.
334
00:06:47,404 --> 00:06:47,414
>> THIS IS WHAT DEMOCRACY LOOKS LIKE.
335
00:06:47,414 --> 00:06:49,510
>> THIS IS WHAT DEMOCRACY LOOKS LIKE.
[laughter]
336
00:06:49,510 --> 00:06:49,520
337
00:06:49,520 --> 00:06:50,790
>> All right. I guess that is what
338
00:06:50,790 --> 00:06:50,800
>> All right. I guess that is what
339
00:06:50,800 --> 00:06:52,230
>> All right. I guess that is what
democracy looks like. Although to be
340
00:06:52,230 --> 00:06:52,240
democracy looks like. Although to be
341
00:06:52,240 --> 00:06:54,070
democracy looks like. Although to be
fair, it's also what Bonnaroo looks
342
00:06:54,070 --> 00:06:54,080
fair, it's also what Bonnaroo looks
343
00:06:54,080 --> 00:06:56,309
fair, it's also what Bonnaroo looks
like. The Mets first no hitter.
344
00:06:56,309 --> 00:06:56,319
like. The Mets first no hitter.
345
00:06:56,319 --> 00:06:58,309
like. The Mets first no hitter.
>> Just landed a robot on bars.
346
00:06:58,309 --> 00:06:58,319
>> Just landed a robot on bars.
347
00:06:58,319 --> 00:07:00,150
>> Just landed a robot on bars.
>> Hurricane Sandy. Indecision 2012.
348
00:07:00,150 --> 00:07:00,160
>> Hurricane Sandy. Indecision 2012.
349
00:07:00,160 --> 00:07:01,830
>> Hurricane Sandy. Indecision 2012.
>> Binder of women, book of broads,
350
00:07:01,830 --> 00:07:01,840
>> Binder of women, book of broads,
351
00:07:01,840 --> 00:07:03,124
>> Binder of women, book of broads,
NOTEBOOK OF NIPPLES, WHATEVER.
352
00:07:03,124 --> 00:07:03,134
NOTEBOOK OF NIPPLES, WHATEVER.
353
00:07:03,134 --> 00:07:03,909
NOTEBOOK OF NIPPLES, WHATEVER.
[screaming]
354
00:07:03,909 --> 00:07:03,919
[screaming]
355
00:07:03,919 --> 00:07:06,070
[screaming]
>> I'M on the convention floor. John,
356
00:07:06,070 --> 00:07:06,080
>> I'M on the convention floor. John,
357
00:07:06,080 --> 00:07:08,070
>> I'M on the convention floor. John,
>> Barack Obama doesn't care about black
358
00:07:08,070 --> 00:07:08,080
>> Barack Obama doesn't care about black
359
00:07:08,080 --> 00:07:08,550
>> Barack Obama doesn't care about black
people.
360
00:07:08,550 --> 00:07:08,560
people.
361
00:07:08,560 --> 00:07:12,629
people.
>> Yelling at a chair. I am literally 10 ft
362
00:07:12,629 --> 00:07:12,639
>> Yelling at a chair. I am literally 10 ft
363
00:07:12,639 --> 00:07:14,390
>> Yelling at a chair. I am literally 10 ft
away from the convention center. When
364
00:07:14,390 --> 00:07:14,400
away from the convention center. When
365
00:07:14,400 --> 00:07:17,189
away from the convention center. When
they told me to go back the other way, I
366
00:07:17,189 --> 00:07:17,199
they told me to go back the other way, I
367
00:07:17,199 --> 00:07:19,670
they told me to go back the other way, I
ran into another barricade. We are
368
00:07:19,670 --> 00:07:19,680
ran into another barricade. We are
369
00:07:19,680 --> 00:07:22,070
ran into another barricade. We are
projecting Barack Obama is the president
370
00:07:22,070 --> 00:07:22,080
projecting Barack Obama is the president
371
00:07:22,080 --> 00:07:23,830
projecting Barack Obama is the president
of the UNITED STATES. [screaming]
372
00:07:23,830 --> 00:07:23,840
of the UNITED STATES. [screaming]
373
00:07:23,840 --> 00:07:25,510
of the UNITED STATES. [screaming]
>> WAR ON CHRISTMAS.
374
00:07:25,510 --> 00:07:25,520
>> WAR ON CHRISTMAS.
375
00:07:25,520 --> 00:07:26,309
>> WAR ON CHRISTMAS.
>> BENGHAZI.
376
00:07:26,309 --> 00:07:26,319
>> BENGHAZI.
377
00:07:26,319 --> 00:07:28,790
>> BENGHAZI.
>> Holy quit. Anthony Weiner's campaign is
378
00:07:28,790 --> 00:07:28,800
>> Holy quit. Anthony Weiner's campaign is
379
00:07:28,800 --> 00:07:31,589
>> Holy quit. Anthony Weiner's campaign is
in danger. It's in Carlos danger.
380
00:07:31,589 --> 00:07:31,599
in danger. It's in Carlos danger.
381
00:07:31,599 --> 00:07:33,990
in danger. It's in Carlos danger.
>> Danger.
382
00:07:33,990 --> 00:07:34,000
>> Danger.
383
00:07:34,000 --> 00:07:35,029
>> Danger.
DANGER. [screaming]
384
00:07:35,029 --> 00:07:35,039
DANGER. [screaming]
385
00:07:35,039 --> 00:07:37,189
DANGER. [screaming]
>> LANCE ARMSTRONG WAS DOPING. WELL, I
386
00:07:37,189 --> 00:07:37,199
>> LANCE ARMSTRONG WAS DOPING. WELL, I
387
00:07:37,199 --> 00:07:39,670
>> LANCE ARMSTRONG WAS DOPING. WELL, I
think we all owe cancer an apology.
388
00:07:39,670 --> 00:07:39,680
think we all owe cancer an apology.
389
00:07:39,680 --> 00:07:41,990
think we all owe cancer an apology.
Korean War II Ukrainian bugaloo. ISIS,
390
00:07:41,990 --> 00:07:42,000
Korean War II Ukrainian bugaloo. ISIS,
391
00:07:42,000 --> 00:07:43,909
Korean War II Ukrainian bugaloo. ISIS,
not to be confused with their early '90s
392
00:07:43,909 --> 00:07:43,919
not to be confused with their early '90s
393
00:07:43,919 --> 00:07:46,550
not to be confused with their early '90s
incarnation, vanilla ISIS. We'll start
394
00:07:46,550 --> 00:07:46,560
incarnation, vanilla ISIS. We'll start
395
00:07:46,560 --> 00:07:48,390
incarnation, vanilla ISIS. We'll start
tonight in in the Middle East [music]
396
00:07:48,390 --> 00:07:48,400
tonight in in the Middle East [music]
397
00:07:48,400 --> 00:07:50,629
tonight in in the Middle East [music]
where Israel what? Israel isn't supposed
398
00:07:50,629 --> 00:07:50,639
where Israel what? Israel isn't supposed
399
00:07:50,639 --> 00:07:51,350
where Israel what? Israel isn't supposed
to defend itself.
400
00:07:51,350 --> 00:07:51,360
to defend itself.
401
00:07:51,360 --> 00:07:52,870
to defend itself.
>> OH YEAH. IF MEXICO bombed Texas, will we
402
00:07:52,870 --> 00:07:52,880
>> OH YEAH. IF MEXICO bombed Texas, will we
403
00:07:52,880 --> 00:07:59,589
>> OH YEAH. IF MEXICO bombed Texas, will we
be exercising
404
00:07:59,589 --> 00:07:59,599
405
00:07:59,599 --> 00:08:03,270
democracy in the Middle East? You
406
00:08:03,270 --> 00:08:03,280
democracy in the Middle East? You
407
00:08:03,280 --> 00:08:05,270
democracy in the Middle East? You
>> self-hating Jew.
408
00:08:05,270 --> 00:08:05,280
>> self-hating Jew.
409
00:08:05,280 --> 00:08:08,390
>> self-hating Jew.
>> A nuclear deal with Iran. The missing
410
00:08:08,390 --> 00:08:08,400
>> A nuclear deal with Iran. The missing
411
00:08:08,400 --> 00:08:10,150
>> A nuclear deal with Iran. The missing
Malaysia [music] Airlines flight. So Tom
412
00:08:10,150 --> 00:08:10,160
Malaysia [music] Airlines flight. So Tom
413
00:08:10,160 --> 00:08:12,629
Malaysia [music] Airlines flight. So Tom
Brady in all of deflate K daily show
414
00:08:12,629 --> 00:08:12,639
Brady in all of deflate K daily show
415
00:08:12,639 --> 00:08:15,670
Brady in all of deflate K daily show
Ebola update brought to you by
416
00:08:15,670 --> 00:08:15,680
Ebola update brought to you by
417
00:08:15,680 --> 00:08:20,230
Ebola update brought to you by
Arby's. Arby's see a lot of things cause
418
00:08:20,230 --> 00:08:20,240
Arby's. Arby's see a lot of things cause
419
00:08:20,240 --> 00:08:22,869
Arby's. Arby's see a lot of things cause
diarrhea. Supreme Court decisions
420
00:08:22,869 --> 00:08:22,879
diarrhea. Supreme Court decisions
421
00:08:22,879 --> 00:08:24,469
diarrhea. Supreme Court decisions
supporting marriage equality.
422
00:08:24,469 --> 00:08:24,479
supporting marriage equality.
423
00:08:24,479 --> 00:08:25,655
supporting marriage equality.
Traditionally victimized communities
424
00:08:25,655 --> 00:08:25,665
Traditionally victimized communities
425
00:08:25,665 --> 00:08:27,029
Traditionally victimized communities
[music] granted the legal dignity that
426
00:08:27,029 --> 00:08:27,039
[music] granted the legal dignity that
427
00:08:27,039 --> 00:08:29,110
[music] granted the legal dignity that
had been denied them so many years.
428
00:08:29,110 --> 00:08:29,120
had been denied them so many years.
429
00:08:29,120 --> 00:08:32,230
had been denied them so many years.
Truly a moment of joy. I didn't do my
430
00:08:32,230 --> 00:08:32,240
Truly a moment of joy. I didn't do my
431
00:08:32,240 --> 00:08:35,509
Truly a moment of joy. I didn't do my
job today. I honestly have have nothing
432
00:08:35,509 --> 00:08:35,519
job today. I honestly have have nothing
433
00:08:35,519 --> 00:08:38,469
job today. I honestly have have nothing
uh other than just sadness. Once again,
434
00:08:38,469 --> 00:08:38,479
uh other than just sadness. Once again,
435
00:08:38,479 --> 00:08:41,990
uh other than just sadness. Once again,
nine people were shot in a black church
436
00:08:41,990 --> 00:08:42,000
nine people were shot in a black church
437
00:08:42,000 --> 00:08:44,070
nine people were shot in a black church
by a white guy who hated them, who
438
00:08:44,070 --> 00:08:44,080
by a white guy who hated them, who
439
00:08:44,080 --> 00:08:50,389
by a white guy who hated them, who
wanted to start some kind of civil war.
440
00:08:50,389 --> 00:08:50,399
441
00:08:50,399 --> 00:08:53,110
The Confederate flag flies over South
442
00:08:53,110 --> 00:08:53,120
The Confederate flag flies over South
443
00:08:53,120 --> 00:08:54,790
The Confederate flag flies over South
Carolina
444
00:08:54,790 --> 00:08:54,800
Carolina
445
00:08:54,800 --> 00:08:56,710
Carolina
and the roads are named for Confederate
446
00:08:56,710 --> 00:08:56,720
and the roads are named for Confederate
447
00:08:56,720 --> 00:09:00,070
and the roads are named for Confederate
generals.
448
00:09:00,070 --> 00:09:00,080
449
00:09:00,080 --> 00:09:01,670
And the white guy is the one who feels
450
00:09:01,670 --> 00:09:01,680
And the white guy is the one who feels
451
00:09:01,680 --> 00:09:03,190
And the white guy is the one who feels
like his country's being taken away from
452
00:09:03,190 --> 00:09:03,200
like his country's being taken away from
453
00:09:03,200 --> 00:09:06,230
like his country's being taken away from
him.
454
00:09:06,230 --> 00:09:06,240
455
00:09:06,240 --> 00:09:08,710
We're bringing it on ourselves. Democ
456
00:09:08,710 --> 00:09:08,720
We're bringing it on ourselves. Democ
457
00:09:08,720 --> 00:09:13,110
We're bringing it on ourselves. Democ
2016. A billionaire vanity candidate
458
00:09:13,110 --> 00:09:13,120
2016. A billionaire vanity candidate
459
00:09:13,120 --> 00:09:16,870
2016. A billionaire vanity candidate
taking the escalator to the White House.
460
00:09:16,870 --> 00:09:16,880
taking the escalator to the White House.
461
00:09:16,880 --> 00:09:20,630
taking the escalator to the White House.
>> Hey, only losers walk.
462
00:09:20,630 --> 00:09:20,640
>> Hey, only losers walk.
463
00:09:20,640 --> 00:09:23,590
>> Hey, only losers walk.
Presidents take stair [music] force one.
464
00:09:23,590 --> 00:09:23,600
Presidents take stair [music] force one.
465
00:09:23,600 --> 00:09:25,509
Presidents take stair [music] force one.
>> Her personal email was, "Don't tell
466
00:09:25,509 --> 00:09:25,519
>> Her personal email was, "Don't tell
467
00:09:25,519 --> 00:09:26,550
>> Her personal email was, "Don't tell
anyone about this account at
468
00:09:26,550 --> 00:09:26,560
anyone about this account at
469
00:09:26,560 --> 00:09:31,110
anyone about this account at
secret/h.definitely.gov." [music]
470
00:09:31,110 --> 00:09:31,120
471
00:09:31,120 --> 00:09:33,190
Hey, Trevor. Um,
472
00:09:33,190 --> 00:09:33,200
Hey, Trevor. Um,
473
00:09:33,200 --> 00:09:34,550
Hey, Trevor. Um,
>> could you give me like 20 more minutes
474
00:09:34,550 --> 00:09:34,560
>> could you give me like 20 more minutes
475
00:09:34,560 --> 00:09:35,750
>> could you give me like 20 more minutes
and then before
476
00:09:35,750 --> 00:09:35,760
and then before
477
00:09:35,760 --> 00:09:37,269
and then before
>> Oh,
478
00:09:37,269 --> 00:09:37,279
>> Oh,
479
00:09:37,279 --> 00:09:37,750
>> Oh,
real quick.
480
00:09:37,750 --> 00:09:37,760
real quick.
481
00:09:37,760 --> 00:09:41,190
real quick.
>> Oh, sure. Yeah, that's just
482
00:09:41,190 --> 00:09:41,200
>> Oh, sure. Yeah, that's just
483
00:09:41,200 --> 00:09:42,470
>> Oh, sure. Yeah, that's just
>> Good job. Thanks, brother.
484
00:09:42,470 --> 00:09:42,480
>> Good job. Thanks, brother.
485
00:09:42,480 --> 00:09:43,990
>> Good job. Thanks, brother.
>> He gets caught on the tape boasting
486
00:09:43,990 --> 00:09:44,000
>> He gets caught on the tape boasting
487
00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:45,030
>> He gets caught on the tape boasting
about sexual assault.
488
00:09:45,030 --> 00:09:45,040
about sexual assault.
489
00:09:45,040 --> 00:09:47,030
about sexual assault.
>> For me, as an African, there's just
490
00:09:47,030 --> 00:09:47,040
>> For me, as an African, there's just
491
00:09:47,040 --> 00:09:48,870
>> For me, as an African, there's just
something familiar about Trump that
492
00:09:48,870 --> 00:09:48,880
something familiar about Trump that
493
00:09:48,880 --> 00:09:50,310
something familiar about Trump that
makes me feel at home. What I'm trying
494
00:09:50,310 --> 00:09:50,320
makes me feel at home. What I'm trying
495
00:09:50,320 --> 00:09:52,550
makes me feel at home. What I'm trying
to say is uh Donald Trump is America's
496
00:09:52,550 --> 00:09:52,560
to say is uh Donald Trump is America's
497
00:09:52,560 --> 00:09:56,070
to say is uh Donald Trump is America's
first African president. The best news
498
00:09:56,070 --> 00:09:56,080
first African president. The best news
499
00:09:56,080 --> 00:09:58,550
first African president. The best news
team in town. I don't know who this
500
00:09:58,550 --> 00:09:58,560
team in town. I don't know who this
501
00:09:58,560 --> 00:10:01,110
team in town. I don't know who this
Hassan is, but he sounds a little too
502
00:10:01,110 --> 00:10:01,120
Hassan is, but he sounds a little too
503
00:10:01,120 --> 00:10:03,430
Hassan is, but he sounds a little too
Muslim to be safe at a Trump convention.
504
00:10:03,430 --> 00:10:03,440
Muslim to be safe at a Trump convention.
505
00:10:03,440 --> 00:10:04,710
Muslim to be safe at a Trump convention.
Everybody want me to be their black
506
00:10:04,710 --> 00:10:04,720
Everybody want me to be their black
507
00:10:04,720 --> 00:10:06,150
Everybody want me to be their black
friend. I had to start a waiting list.
508
00:10:06,150 --> 00:10:06,160
friend. I had to start a waiting list.
509
00:10:06,160 --> 00:10:07,990
friend. I had to start a waiting list.
>> Hassan and I teamed up to help prevent
510
00:10:07,990 --> 00:10:08,000
>> Hassan and I teamed up to help prevent
511
00:10:08,000 --> 00:10:09,670
>> Hassan and I teamed up to help prevent
Democrats from repeating their
512
00:10:09,670 --> 00:10:09,680
Democrats from repeating their
513
00:10:09,680 --> 00:10:11,430
Democrats from repeating their
electronic mistakes.
514
00:10:11,430 --> 00:10:11,440
electronic mistakes.
515
00:10:11,440 --> 00:10:12,630
electronic mistakes.
>> Let me get a whiz out.
516
00:10:12,630 --> 00:10:12,640
>> Let me get a whiz out.
517
00:10:12,640 --> 00:10:16,550
>> Let me get a whiz out.
>> Sure.
518
00:10:16,550 --> 00:10:16,560
519
00:10:16,560 --> 00:10:19,030
>> Election night 2016.
520
00:10:19,030 --> 00:10:19,040
>> Election night 2016.
521
00:10:19,040 --> 00:10:24,630
>> Election night 2016.
No. No. Please. No. Oh god. No. No.
522
00:10:24,630 --> 00:10:24,640
No. No. Please. No. Oh god. No. No.
523
00:10:24,640 --> 00:10:26,710
No. No. Please. No. Oh god. No. No.
>> Fighting over how big his crowd was.
524
00:10:26,710 --> 00:10:26,720
>> Fighting over how big his crowd was.
525
00:10:26,720 --> 00:10:29,430
>> Fighting over how big his crowd was.
putting his so-called Muslim ban into
526
00:10:29,430 --> 00:10:29,440
putting his so-called Muslim ban into
527
00:10:29,440 --> 00:10:32,150
putting his so-called Muslim ban into
effect. Trump fired the FBI director. If
528
00:10:32,150 --> 00:10:32,160
effect. Trump fired the FBI director. If
529
00:10:32,160 --> 00:10:33,910
effect. Trump fired the FBI director. If
he's gone, who's going to investigate
530
00:10:33,910 --> 00:10:33,920
he's gone, who's going to investigate
531
00:10:33,920 --> 00:10:36,550
he's gone, who's going to investigate
Russia's ties to Oh,
532
00:10:36,550 --> 00:10:36,560
Russia's ties to Oh,
533
00:10:36,560 --> 00:10:39,030
Russia's ties to Oh,
people were searching Kof on the
534
00:10:39,030 --> 00:10:39,040
people were searching Kof on the
535
00:10:39,040 --> 00:10:41,350
people were searching Kof on the
internet like it was a Kim Kardashian
536
00:10:41,350 --> 00:10:41,360
internet like it was a Kim Kardashian
537
00:10:41,360 --> 00:10:41,910
internet like it was a Kim Kardashian
nude.
538
00:10:41,910 --> 00:10:41,920
nude.
539
00:10:41,920 --> 00:10:43,829
nude.
>> Very fine people on both sides.
540
00:10:43,829 --> 00:10:43,839
>> Very fine people on both sides.
541
00:10:43,839 --> 00:10:47,269
>> Very fine people on both sides.
>> Robert Muller OJ's finally free. Colin
542
00:10:47,269 --> 00:10:47,279
>> Robert Muller OJ's finally free. Colin
543
00:10:47,279 --> 00:10:47,990
>> Robert Muller OJ's finally free. Colin
Kaepernick
544
00:10:47,990 --> 00:10:48,000
Kaepernick
545
00:10:48,000 --> 00:10:52,310
Kaepernick
>> used Tide Pods for washing, not eating.
546
00:10:52,310 --> 00:10:52,320
>> used Tide Pods for washing, not eating.
547
00:10:52,320 --> 00:10:55,350
>> used Tide Pods for washing, not eating.
Do not eat.
548
00:10:55,350 --> 00:10:55,360
Do not eat.
549
00:10:55,360 --> 00:10:57,190
Do not eat.
It looks like he's trying to convince
550
00:10:57,190 --> 00:10:57,200
It looks like he's trying to convince
551
00:10:57,200 --> 00:10:59,670
It looks like he's trying to convince
himself. North Korea and the United
552
00:10:59,670 --> 00:10:59,680
himself. North Korea and the United
553
00:10:59,680 --> 00:11:02,710
himself. North Korea and the United
States meeting for the first time ever.
554
00:11:02,710 --> 00:11:02,720
States meeting for the first time ever.
555
00:11:02,720 --> 00:11:05,269
States meeting for the first time ever.
Bill Cosby guilty. Stormmy Daniels.
556
00:11:05,269 --> 00:11:05,279
Bill Cosby guilty. Stormmy Daniels.
557
00:11:05,279 --> 00:11:08,069
Bill Cosby guilty. Stormmy Daniels.
Jeffrey Epstein. The 45th president of
558
00:11:08,069 --> 00:11:08,079
Jeffrey Epstein. The 45th president of
559
00:11:08,079 --> 00:11:11,190
Jeffrey Epstein. The 45th president of
the United States got impeached. Robert
560
00:11:11,190 --> 00:11:11,200
the United States got impeached. Robert
561
00:11:11,200 --> 00:11:13,030
the United States got impeached. Robert
Muller spends two years investigating
562
00:11:13,030 --> 00:11:13,040
Muller spends two years investigating
563
00:11:13,040 --> 00:11:14,630
Muller spends two years investigating
obstruction of justice and his
564
00:11:14,630 --> 00:11:14,640
obstruction of justice and his
565
00:11:14,640 --> 00:11:16,710
obstruction of justice and his
conclusion is I don't know. What do you
566
00:11:16,710 --> 00:11:16,720
conclusion is I don't know. What do you
567
00:11:16,720 --> 00:11:19,750
conclusion is I don't know. What do you
guys think? The fire festival. Jesse
568
00:11:19,750 --> 00:11:19,760
guys think? The fire festival. Jesse
569
00:11:19,760 --> 00:11:21,910
guys think? The fire festival. Jesse
Smlet the Game of Thrones finale. Let's
570
00:11:21,910 --> 00:11:21,920
Smlet the Game of Thrones finale. Let's
571
00:11:21,920 --> 00:11:24,470
Smlet the Game of Thrones finale. Let's
kick it off with the Corona virus in our
572
00:11:24,470 --> 00:11:24,480
kick it off with the Corona virus in our
573
00:11:24,480 --> 00:11:26,150
kick it off with the Corona virus in our
ongoing segment. [music] Is this how we
574
00:11:26,150 --> 00:11:26,160
ongoing segment. [music] Is this how we
575
00:11:26,160 --> 00:11:26,710
ongoing segment. [music] Is this how we
die?
576
00:11:26,710 --> 00:11:26,720
die?
577
00:11:26,720 --> 00:11:29,750
die?
>> Trevor Noah here at home, which is where
578
00:11:29,750 --> 00:11:29,760
>> Trevor Noah here at home, which is where
579
00:11:29,760 --> 00:11:31,590
>> Trevor Noah here at home, which is where
you should all be as well. We don't know
580
00:11:31,590 --> 00:11:31,600
you should all be as well. We don't know
581
00:11:31,600 --> 00:11:32,470
you should all be as well. We don't know
when [music] we're going to go back to
582
00:11:32,470 --> 00:11:32,480
when [music] we're going to go back to
583
00:11:32,480 --> 00:11:34,069
when [music] we're going to go back to
the studio. Corona virus has changed
584
00:11:34,069 --> 00:11:34,079
the studio. Corona virus has changed
585
00:11:34,079 --> 00:11:35,190
the studio. Corona virus has changed
everybody's lives.
586
00:11:35,190 --> 00:11:35,200
everybody's lives.
587
00:11:35,200 --> 00:11:38,069
everybody's lives.
>> Imagine all [singing] the people.
588
00:11:38,069 --> 00:11:38,079
>> Imagine all [singing] the people.
589
00:11:38,079 --> 00:11:40,230
>> Imagine all [singing] the people.
>> Imagine you shut the up.
590
00:11:40,230 --> 00:11:40,240
>> Imagine you shut the up.
591
00:11:40,240 --> 00:11:41,990
>> Imagine you shut the up.
>> After the murder of George Floyd, Black
592
00:11:41,990 --> 00:11:42,000
>> After the murder of George Floyd, Black
593
00:11:42,000 --> 00:11:44,389
>> After the murder of George Floyd, Black
Lives Matter has become the phrase that
594
00:11:44,389 --> 00:11:44,399
Lives Matter has become the phrase that
595
00:11:44,399 --> 00:11:46,310
Lives Matter has become the phrase that
people admit needs to be said. If you
596
00:11:46,310 --> 00:11:46,320
people admit needs to be said. If you
597
00:11:46,320 --> 00:11:49,269
people admit needs to be said. If you
are a black person or a minority, you
598
00:11:49,269 --> 00:11:49,279
are a black person or a minority, you
599
00:11:49,279 --> 00:11:51,509
are a black person or a minority, you
understand what it means to be a target
600
00:11:51,509 --> 00:11:51,519
understand what it means to be a target
601
00:11:51,519 --> 00:11:53,990
understand what it means to be a target
of the police and a target of a system
602
00:11:53,990 --> 00:11:54,000
of the police and a target of a system
603
00:11:54,000 --> 00:11:56,790
of the police and a target of a system
that is designed to keep you down with
604
00:11:56,790 --> 00:11:56,800
that is designed to keep you down with
605
00:11:56,800 --> 00:11:58,870
that is designed to keep you down with
violence if necessary. So, this is
606
00:11:58,870 --> 00:11:58,880
violence if necessary. So, this is
607
00:11:58,880 --> 00:12:01,829
violence if necessary. So, this is
movement. This is progress in the right
608
00:12:01,829 --> 00:12:01,839
movement. This is progress in the right
609
00:12:01,839 --> 00:12:04,389
movement. This is progress in the right
direction. I understand the symbolic
610
00:12:04,389 --> 00:12:04,399
direction. I understand the symbolic
611
00:12:04,399 --> 00:12:05,990
direction. I understand the symbolic
gesture of kneeling to remember George
612
00:12:05,990 --> 00:12:06,000
gesture of kneeling to remember George
613
00:12:06,000 --> 00:12:08,389
gesture of kneeling to remember George
Floyd. What I don't understand is why
614
00:12:08,389 --> 00:12:08,399
Floyd. What I don't understand is why
615
00:12:08,399 --> 00:12:09,990
Floyd. What I don't understand is why
they had to dress like extras from
616
00:12:09,990 --> 00:12:10,000
they had to dress like extras from
617
00:12:10,000 --> 00:12:12,470
they had to dress like extras from
Coming to America 2. Briana Taylor
618
00:12:12,470 --> 00:12:12,480
Coming to America 2. Briana Taylor
619
00:12:12,480 --> 00:12:15,110
Coming to America 2. Briana Taylor
Harvey Weinstein is going to prison. The
620
00:12:15,110 --> 00:12:15,120
Harvey Weinstein is going to prison. The
621
00:12:15,120 --> 00:12:17,350
Harvey Weinstein is going to prison. The
passing of Ruth Beta Ginsburg. [music]
622
00:12:17,350 --> 00:12:17,360
passing of Ruth Beta Ginsburg. [music]
623
00:12:17,360 --> 00:12:20,470
passing of Ruth Beta Ginsburg. [music]
Tiger King. Votegasm. 2020. Donald J.
624
00:12:20,470 --> 00:12:20,480
Tiger King. Votegasm. 2020. Donald J.
625
00:12:20,480 --> 00:12:23,509
Tiger King. Votegasm. 2020. Donald J.
Trump is battling CO 19. Joseph Rihanna
626
00:12:23,509 --> 00:12:23,519
Trump is battling CO 19. Joseph Rihanna
627
00:12:23,519 --> 00:12:26,230
Trump is battling CO 19. Joseph Rihanna
Biden was declared the 46th president of
628
00:12:26,230 --> 00:12:26,240
Biden was declared the 46th president of
629
00:12:26,240 --> 00:12:26,949
Biden was declared the 46th president of
the United States.
630
00:12:26,949 --> 00:12:26,959
the United States.
631
00:12:26,959 --> 00:12:28,470
the United States.
>> You can tell these people really love
632
00:12:28,470 --> 00:12:28,480
>> You can tell these people really love
633
00:12:28,480 --> 00:12:30,470
>> You can tell these people really love
America by the number of weapons they
634
00:12:30,470 --> 00:12:30,480
America by the number of weapons they
635
00:12:30,480 --> 00:12:33,670
America by the number of weapons they
brought to other Americans.
636
00:12:33,670 --> 00:12:33,680
brought to other Americans.
637
00:12:33,680 --> 00:12:35,990
brought to other Americans.
>> Trump to face a second impeachment
638
00:12:35,990 --> 00:12:36,000
>> Trump to face a second impeachment
639
00:12:36,000 --> 00:12:37,269
>> Trump to face a second impeachment
trial. Trump over there getting
640
00:12:37,269 --> 00:12:37,279
trial. Trump over there getting
641
00:12:37,279 --> 00:12:38,389
trial. Trump over there getting
impeached more times [music] than Mike
642
00:12:38,389 --> 00:12:38,399
impeached more times [music] than Mike
643
00:12:38,399 --> 00:12:40,790
impeached more times [music] than Mike
Pence has had sex. I see you, player.
644
00:12:40,790 --> 00:12:40,800
Pence has had sex. I see you, player.
645
00:12:40,800 --> 00:12:42,550
Pence has had sex. I see you, player.
America approved the vaccine. You
646
00:12:42,550 --> 00:12:42,560
America approved the vaccine. You
647
00:12:42,560 --> 00:12:44,389
America approved the vaccine. You
realize that this time next week, we're
648
00:12:44,389 --> 00:12:44,399
realize that this time next week, we're
649
00:12:44,399 --> 00:12:46,150
realize that this time next week, we're
all going to be back in the club like
650
00:12:46,150 --> 00:12:46,160
all going to be back in the club like
651
00:12:46,160 --> 00:12:48,389
all going to be back in the club like
shots, shots, shots, shots, SHOTS, SHOTS
652
00:12:48,389 --> 00:12:48,399
shots, shots, shots, shots, SHOTS, SHOTS
653
00:12:48,399 --> 00:12:50,949
shots, shots, shots, shots, SHOTS, SHOTS
IN MY ARM, PLEASE. AFGHANISTAN. America
654
00:12:50,949 --> 00:12:50,959
IN MY ARM, PLEASE. AFGHANISTAN. America
655
00:12:50,959 --> 00:12:52,310
IN MY ARM, PLEASE. AFGHANISTAN. America
pulled out of the country. The only
656
00:12:52,310 --> 00:12:52,320
pulled out of the country. The only
657
00:12:52,320 --> 00:12:53,990
pulled out of the country. The only
thing harder to get out of than a gym
658
00:12:53,990 --> 00:12:54,000
thing harder to get out of than a gym
659
00:12:54,000 --> 00:12:56,470
thing harder to get out of than a gym
membership. Russia's invasion of
660
00:12:56,470 --> 00:12:56,480
membership. Russia's invasion of
661
00:12:56,480 --> 00:12:58,389
membership. Russia's invasion of
Ukraine. He is Kanye [music]
662
00:12:58,389 --> 00:12:58,399
Ukraine. He is Kanye [music]
663
00:12:58,399 --> 00:13:02,230
Ukraine. He is Kanye [music]
no more. From now on, simply yay. Will
664
00:13:02,230 --> 00:13:02,240
no more. From now on, simply yay. Will
665
00:13:02,240 --> 00:13:03,430
no more. From now on, simply yay. Will
Smith introduced his hand to Chris
666
00:13:03,430 --> 00:13:03,440
Smith introduced his hand to Chris
667
00:13:03,440 --> 00:13:06,150
Smith introduced his hand to Chris
Rock's face. Elon Musk and Twitter. The
668
00:13:06,150 --> 00:13:06,160
Rock's face. Elon Musk and Twitter. The
669
00:13:06,160 --> 00:13:09,590
Rock's face. Elon Musk and Twitter. The
Supreme Court overturned Roie Wade. FBI
670
00:13:09,590 --> 00:13:09,600
Supreme Court overturned Roie Wade. FBI
671
00:13:09,600 --> 00:13:12,629
Supreme Court overturned Roie Wade. FBI
raided Donald Trump's house in Mara
672
00:13:12,629 --> 00:13:12,639
raided Donald Trump's house in Mara
673
00:13:12,639 --> 00:13:14,870
raided Donald Trump's house in Mara
Lago. Queen Elizabeth II passed away
674
00:13:14,870 --> 00:13:14,880
Lago. Queen Elizabeth II passed away
675
00:13:14,880 --> 00:13:15,350
Lago. Queen Elizabeth II passed away
today.
676
00:13:15,350 --> 00:13:15,360
today.
677
00:13:15,360 --> 00:13:18,629
today.
>> My thoughts are with the queen and I
678
00:13:18,629 --> 00:13:18,639
>> My thoughts are with the queen and I
679
00:13:18,639 --> 00:13:21,509
>> My thoughts are with the queen and I
pray that law enforcement finds her
680
00:13:21,509 --> 00:13:21,519
pray that law enforcement finds her
681
00:13:21,519 --> 00:13:22,069
pray that law enforcement finds her
killer.
682
00:13:22,069 --> 00:13:22,079
killer.
683
00:13:22,079 --> 00:13:24,230
killer.
>> Trump arraignment day. Look at how sad
684
00:13:24,230 --> 00:13:24,240
>> Trump arraignment day. Look at how sad
685
00:13:24,240 --> 00:13:26,870
>> Trump arraignment day. Look at how sad
Trump looks. My man looked like somebody
686
00:13:26,870 --> 00:13:26,880
Trump looks. My man looked like somebody
687
00:13:26,880 --> 00:13:28,790
Trump looks. My man looked like somebody
told him his dog died or that Mike Pence
688
00:13:28,790 --> 00:13:28,800
told him his dog died or that Mike Pence
689
00:13:28,800 --> 00:13:30,230
told him his dog died or that Mike Pence
is still alive.
690
00:13:30,230 --> 00:13:30,240
is still alive.
691
00:13:30,240 --> 00:13:32,389
is still alive.
>> Israel Palestine. What do I know about
692
00:13:32,389 --> 00:13:32,399
>> Israel Palestine. What do I know about
693
00:13:32,399 --> 00:13:34,470
>> Israel Palestine. What do I know about
the Middle East? I'm I'm from the Middle
694
00:13:34,470 --> 00:13:34,480
the Middle East? I'm I'm from the Middle
695
00:13:34,480 --> 00:13:35,670
the Middle East? I'm I'm from the Middle
East.
696
00:13:35,670 --> 00:13:35,680
East.
697
00:13:35,680 --> 00:13:37,910
East.
>> Indecision 2024. The first criminal
698
00:13:37,910 --> 00:13:37,920
>> Indecision 2024. The first criminal
699
00:13:37,920 --> 00:13:39,590
>> Indecision 2024. The first criminal
trial of a former president has begun.
700
00:13:39,590 --> 00:13:39,600
trial of a former president has begun.
701
00:13:39,600 --> 00:13:41,430
trial of a former president has begun.
Imagine committing so many crimes, you
702
00:13:41,430 --> 00:13:41,440
Imagine committing so many crimes, you
703
00:13:41,440 --> 00:13:43,750
Imagine committing so many crimes, you
get bored at your own trial. WE JUST
704
00:13:43,750 --> 00:13:43,760
get bored at your own trial. WE JUST
705
00:13:43,760 --> 00:13:46,310
get bored at your own trial. WE JUST
WITNESSED A DEBATE BETWEEN PRESIDENT
706
00:13:46,310 --> 00:13:46,320
WITNESSED A DEBATE BETWEEN PRESIDENT
707
00:13:46,320 --> 00:13:49,670
WITNESSED A DEBATE BETWEEN PRESIDENT
Joseph Robinette Biden versus former
708
00:13:49,670 --> 00:13:49,680
Joseph Robinette Biden versus former
709
00:13:49,680 --> 00:13:53,990
Joseph Robinette Biden versus former
President Donald Robinet Trump. THIS
710
00:13:53,990 --> 00:13:54,000
President Donald Robinet Trump. THIS
711
00:13:54,000 --> 00:14:00,150
President Donald Robinet Trump. THIS
CANNOT be real life. It just can't.
712
00:14:00,150 --> 00:14:00,160
CANNOT be real life. It just can't.
713
00:14:00,160 --> 00:14:02,069
CANNOT be real life. It just can't.
We're America.
714
00:14:02,069 --> 00:14:02,079
We're America.
715
00:14:02,079 --> 00:14:03,829
We're America.
God. The attempted assassination of
716
00:14:03,829 --> 00:14:03,839
God. The attempted assassination of
717
00:14:03,839 --> 00:14:04,790
God. The attempted assassination of
Donald Trump over [music] the weekend.
718
00:14:04,790 --> 00:14:04,800
Donald Trump over [music] the weekend.
719
00:14:04,800 --> 00:14:08,870
Donald Trump over [music] the weekend.
When [\h__\h] hits the fan in this country,
720
00:14:08,870 --> 00:14:08,880
When [\h__\h] hits the fan in this country,
721
00:14:08,880 --> 00:14:11,110
When [\h__\h] hits the fan in this country,
the internet [music] is a great source
722
00:14:11,110 --> 00:14:11,120
the internet [music] is a great source
723
00:14:11,120 --> 00:14:13,990
the internet [music] is a great source
of information. Kla Harris, now the
724
00:14:13,990 --> 00:14:14,000
of information. Kla Harris, now the
725
00:14:14,000 --> 00:14:15,670
of information. Kla Harris, now the
presumptive [music] Democratic nominee.
726
00:14:15,670 --> 00:14:15,680
presumptive [music] Democratic nominee.
727
00:14:15,680 --> 00:14:18,470
presumptive [music] Democratic nominee.
>> Democrats have gone from the despair of
728
00:14:18,470 --> 00:14:18,480
>> Democrats have gone from the despair of
729
00:14:18,480 --> 00:14:20,629
>> Democrats have gone from the despair of
a certain Trump presidency [music]
730
00:14:20,629 --> 00:14:20,639
a certain Trump presidency [music]
731
00:14:20,639 --> 00:14:23,110
a certain Trump presidency [music]
to the joy
732
00:14:23,110 --> 00:14:23,120
to the joy
733
00:14:23,120 --> 00:14:26,389
to the joy
of a statistical tie. [screaming]
734
00:14:26,389 --> 00:14:26,399
of a statistical tie. [screaming]
735
00:14:26,399 --> 00:14:27,750
of a statistical tie. [screaming]
>> Do you think Democrats [music]
736
00:14:27,750 --> 00:14:27,760
>> Do you think Democrats [music]
737
00:14:27,760 --> 00:14:29,670
>> Do you think Democrats [music]
might have any regrets?
738
00:14:29,670 --> 00:14:29,680
might have any regrets?
739
00:14:29,680 --> 00:14:31,269
might have any regrets?
>> No.
740
00:14:31,269 --> 00:14:31,279
>> No.
741
00:14:31,279 --> 00:14:33,030
>> No.
>> That's a little electric there. The
742
00:14:33,030 --> 00:14:33,040
>> That's a little electric there. The
743
00:14:33,040 --> 00:14:35,350
>> That's a little electric there. The
Democrats need to stop adopting this
744
00:14:35,350 --> 00:14:35,360
Democrats need to stop adopting this
745
00:14:35,360 --> 00:14:37,509
Democrats need to stop adopting this
Republican fiction [music] that American
746
00:14:37,509 --> 00:14:37,519
Republican fiction [music] that American
747
00:14:37,519 --> 00:14:40,230
Republican fiction [music] that American
values only exist in small towns. We're
748
00:14:40,230 --> 00:14:40,240
values only exist in small towns. We're
749
00:14:40,240 --> 00:14:42,870
values only exist in small towns. We're
all godless heathens with no values and
750
00:14:42,870 --> 00:14:42,880
all godless heathens with no values and
751
00:14:42,880 --> 00:14:44,389
all godless heathens with no values and
bed bugs. Okay.
752
00:14:44,389 --> 00:14:44,399
bed bugs. Okay.
753
00:14:44,399 --> 00:14:47,350
bed bugs. Okay.
>> Election night in America. Nothing we
754
00:14:47,350 --> 00:14:47,360
>> Election night in America. Nothing we
755
00:14:47,360 --> 00:14:48,629
>> Election night in America. Nothing we
can do about it now.
756
00:14:48,629 --> 00:14:48,639
can do about it now.
757
00:14:48,639 --> 00:14:50,790
can do about it now.
>> It's official. America's elected its
758
00:14:50,790 --> 00:14:50,800
>> It's official. America's elected its
759
00:14:50,800 --> 00:14:53,030
>> It's official. America's elected its
first criminal president before electing
760
00:14:53,030 --> 00:14:53,040
first criminal president before electing
761
00:14:53,040 --> 00:14:55,269
first criminal president before electing
its first female president.
762
00:14:55,269 --> 00:14:55,279
its first female president.
763
00:14:55,279 --> 00:14:56,710
its first female president.
>> Luigi Manion.
764
00:14:56,710 --> 00:14:56,720
>> Luigi Manion.
765
00:14:56,720 --> 00:14:58,710
>> Luigi Manion.
>> The Los Angeles wildfires. Those
766
00:14:58,710 --> 00:14:58,720
>> The Los Angeles wildfires. Those
767
00:14:58,720 --> 00:15:02,710
>> The Los Angeles wildfires. Those
astronauts were gone a long, long time.
768
00:15:02,710 --> 00:15:02,720
astronauts were gone a long, long time.
769
00:15:02,720 --> 00:15:05,430
astronauts were gone a long, long time.
>> The first American pope. It's a little
770
00:15:05,430 --> 00:15:05,440
>> The first American pope. It's a little
771
00:15:05,440 --> 00:15:07,350
>> The first American pope. It's a little
bit weird that the holiest man in the
772
00:15:07,350 --> 00:15:07,360
bit weird that the holiest man in the
773
00:15:07,360 --> 00:15:08,949
bit weird that the holiest man in the
world probably knows all the words to
774
00:15:08,949 --> 00:15:08,959
world probably knows all the words to
775
00:15:08,959 --> 00:15:10,870
world probably knows all the words to
the Chile's baby back rib song.
776
00:15:10,870 --> 00:15:10,880
the Chile's baby back rib song.
777
00:15:10,880 --> 00:15:14,470
the Chile's baby back rib song.
>> Trump met with Putin in Alaska. Taylor
778
00:15:14,470 --> 00:15:14,480
>> Trump met with Putin in Alaska. Taylor
779
00:15:14,480 --> 00:15:16,629
>> Trump met with Putin in Alaska. Taylor
got engaged. Tearing apart the entire
780
00:15:16,629 --> 00:15:16,639
got engaged. Tearing apart the entire
781
00:15:16,639 --> 00:15:19,189
got engaged. Tearing apart the entire
East Wing. Gored Madani elected as
782
00:15:19,189 --> 00:15:19,199
East Wing. Gored Madani elected as
783
00:15:19,199 --> 00:15:21,430
East Wing. Gored Madani elected as
Sultan of the People's Republic of Al
784
00:15:21,430 --> 00:15:21,440
Sultan of the People's Republic of Al
785
00:15:21,440 --> 00:15:24,069
Sultan of the People's Republic of Al
New York. Why was Jeffrey Epste writing
786
00:15:24,069 --> 00:15:24,079
New York. Why was Jeffrey Epste writing
787
00:15:24,079 --> 00:15:26,470
New York. Why was Jeffrey Epste writing
about his crimes in emails? Hey girl,
788
00:15:26,470 --> 00:15:26,480
about his crimes in emails? Hey girl,
789
00:15:26,480 --> 00:15:28,230
about his crimes in emails? Hey girl,
following up about the sex crimes. Hit
790
00:15:28,230 --> 00:15:28,240
following up about the sex crimes. Hit
791
00:15:28,240 --> 00:15:29,590
following up about the sex crimes. Hit
me up if you want sex crimes [music]
792
00:15:29,590 --> 00:15:29,600
me up if you want sex crimes [music]
793
00:15:29,600 --> 00:15:30,389
me up if you want sex crimes [music]
this weekend.
794
00:15:30,389 --> 00:15:30,399
this weekend.
795
00:15:30,399 --> 00:15:32,230
this weekend.
>> The National Guard is going into every
796
00:15:32,230 --> 00:15:32,240
>> The National Guard is going into every
797
00:15:32,240 --> 00:15:33,189
>> The National Guard is going into every
American city.
798
00:15:33,189 --> 00:15:33,199
American city.
799
00:15:33,199 --> 00:15:35,110
American city.
>> Another American has been tragically
800
00:15:35,110 --> 00:15:35,120
>> Another American has been tragically
801
00:15:35,120 --> 00:15:37,030
>> Another American has been tragically
killed on the streets of Minneapolis.
802
00:15:37,030 --> 00:15:37,040
killed on the streets of Minneapolis.
803
00:15:37,040 --> 00:15:39,030
killed on the streets of Minneapolis.
>> Some people see a peaceful protester
804
00:15:39,030 --> 00:15:39,040
>> Some people see a peaceful protester
805
00:15:39,040 --> 00:15:40,870
>> Some people see a peaceful protester
getting murdered and other people are
806
00:15:40,870 --> 00:15:40,880
getting murdered and other people are
807
00:15:40,880 --> 00:15:43,350
getting murdered and other people are
fascists. I did not see this Venezuela
808
00:15:43,350 --> 00:15:43,360
fascists. I did not see this Venezuela
809
00:15:43,360 --> 00:15:45,430
fascists. I did not see this Venezuela
thing coming and I read the news every
810
00:15:45,430 --> 00:15:45,440
thing coming and I read the news every
811
00:15:45,440 --> 00:15:48,310
thing coming and I read the news every
day. So the lesson here is reading is
812
00:15:48,310 --> 00:15:48,320
day. So the lesson here is reading is
813
00:15:48,320 --> 00:15:49,509
day. So the lesson here is reading is
pointless.
814
00:15:49,509 --> 00:15:49,519
pointless.
815
00:15:49,519 --> 00:15:52,550
pointless.
>> American Israel launched a surprise war
816
00:15:52,550 --> 00:15:52,560
>> American Israel launched a surprise war
817
00:15:52,560 --> 00:15:56,069
>> American Israel launched a surprise war
against Iran. [applause]
818
00:15:56,069 --> 00:15:56,079
against Iran. [applause]
819
00:15:56,079 --> 00:15:59,350
against Iran. [applause]
I've missed you, Mess. Our mayor is
820
00:15:59,350 --> 00:15:59,360
I've missed you, Mess. Our mayor is
821
00:15:59,360 --> 00:16:02,230
I've missed you, Mess. Our mayor is
Muslim. Our bagels are Jewish. Our
822
00:16:02,230 --> 00:16:02,240
Muslim. Our bagels are Jewish. Our
823
00:16:02,240 --> 00:16:06,150
Muslim. Our bagels are Jewish. Our
Timoth Shalamé Nixon 5.
824
00:16:06,150 --> 00:16:06,160
Timoth Shalamé Nixon 5.
825
00:16:06,160 --> 00:16:08,629
Timoth Shalamé Nixon 5.
>> America's big birthday bash. And
826
00:16:08,629 --> 00:16:08,639
>> America's big birthday bash. And
827
00:16:08,639 --> 00:16:10,310
>> America's big birthday bash. And
President Trump is celebrating with a
828
00:16:10,310 --> 00:16:10,320
President Trump is celebrating with a
829
00:16:10,320 --> 00:16:13,189
President Trump is celebrating with a
UFC fight at the White House. The
830
00:16:13,189 --> 00:16:13,199
UFC fight at the White House. The
831
00:16:13,199 --> 00:16:14,389
UFC fight at the White House. The
regular [music] people in this country
832
00:16:14,389 --> 00:16:14,399
regular [music] people in this country
833
00:16:14,399 --> 00:16:16,470
regular [music] people in this country
want their president to live in a
834
00:16:16,470 --> 00:16:16,480
want their president to live in a
835
00:16:16,480 --> 00:16:20,230
want their president to live in a
slightly more violent Hooters
836
00:16:20,230 --> 00:16:20,240
slightly more violent Hooters
837
00:16:20,240 --> 00:16:23,910
slightly more violent Hooters
or a slightly less violent Waffle House.
838
00:16:23,910 --> 00:16:23,920
or a slightly less violent Waffle House.
839
00:16:23,920 --> 00:16:25,350
or a slightly less violent Waffle House.
You guys all coming out of here to spend
840
00:16:25,350 --> 00:16:25,360
You guys all coming out of here to spend
841
00:16:25,360 --> 00:16:26,949
You guys all coming out of here to spend
some time with us truly makes us feel
842
00:16:26,949 --> 00:16:26,959
some time with us truly makes us feel
843
00:16:26,959 --> 00:16:28,870
some time with us truly makes us feel
like we got a community of people that
844
00:16:28,870 --> 00:16:28,880
like we got a community of people that
845
00:16:28,880 --> 00:16:30,470
like we got a community of people that
maybe we can hopefully feel like, okay,
846
00:16:30,470 --> 00:16:30,480
maybe we can hopefully feel like, okay,
847
00:16:30,480 --> 00:16:32,069
maybe we can hopefully feel like, okay,
we're not all going crazy. So, let's get
848
00:16:32,069 --> 00:16:32,079
we're not all going crazy. So, let's get
849
00:16:32,079 --> 00:16:33,636
we're not all going crazy. So, let's get
the damn show started.
850
00:16:33,636 --> 00:16:33,646
the damn show started.
851
00:16:33,646 --> 00:16:35,666
the damn show started.
[applause and cheering]
73934
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