Original subtitles

President Trump is back from Turkey

President Trump is back from Turkey

President Trump is back from Turkey after his incredible NATO summit where

after his incredible NATO summit where

after his incredible NATO summit where everyone loved him and agreed to his

everyone loved him and agreed to his

everyone loved him and agreed to his idea to restart the war with Iran was

idea to restart the war with Iran was

idea to restart the war with Iran was super smart. Unfortunately, his flight

super smart. Unfortunately, his flight

super smart. Unfortunately, his flight back wasn't quite as luxurious as his

back wasn't quite as luxurious as his

back wasn't quite as luxurious as his flight there.

flight there.

flight there. >> This morning, new questions about the

>> This morning, new questions about the

>> This morning, new questions about the security of President Trump's new Qatari

security of President Trump's new Qatari

security of President Trump's new Qatari gifted Air Force One. The Secret Service

gifted Air Force One. The Secret Service

gifted Air Force One. The Secret Service urged the president to depart Turkey in

urged the president to depart Turkey in

urged the president to depart Turkey in the older Air Force One instead of the

the older Air Force One instead of the

the older Air Force One instead of the new jet as a safety precaution amid

new jet as a safety precaution amid

new jet as a safety precaution amid escalating tensions with Iran.

escalating tensions with Iran.

escalating tensions with Iran. >> Okay, first off

>> Okay, first off

>> Okay, first off How do you fly back on a different

How do you fly back on a different

How do you fly back on a different plane? Like What What do you mean they

plane? Like What What do you mean they

plane? Like What What do you mean they Did they bring both Air Force Ones?

Did they bring both Air Force Ones?

Did they bring both Air Force Ones? Is that why there's no gas in the world

Is that why there's no gas in the world

Is that why there's no gas in the world anymore?

anymore?

anymore? Because the president flies with an

Because the president flies with an

Because the president flies with an extra emotional support plane?

extra emotional support plane?

extra emotional support plane? Also

Also

Also You know what happens anytime they

You know what happens anytime they

You know what happens anytime they switch planes on you, okay? Trump

switch planes on you, okay? Trump

switch planes on you, okay? Trump definitely lost his luggage. He is

definitely lost his luggage. He is

definitely lost his luggage. He is He's calling them like uh hey, did you

He's calling them like uh hey, did you

He's calling them like uh hey, did you guys find a box? It says Epstein dolls.

guys find a box? It says Epstein dolls.

guys find a box? It says Epstein dolls. Don't open it.

And of course Yeah, Epstein. Yeah.

>> [applause]

>> [applause]

>> [applause] >> Epstein

>> Epstein

>> Epstein And of course, we had to abandon the

And of course, we had to abandon the

And of course, we had to abandon the Qatari plane for security concerns. Of

Qatari plane for security concerns. Of

Qatari plane for security concerns. Of course that happened. This is why when

course that happened. This is why when

course that happened. This is why when it comes to the most important plane in

it comes to the most important plane in

it comes to the most important plane in the world, you don't go certified

the world, you don't go certified

the world, you don't go certified pre-owned.

pre-owned.

pre-owned. America should spring for a new one and

America should spring for a new one and

America should spring for a new one and Trump should give the Qatari plane to

Trump should give the Qatari plane to

Trump should give the Qatari plane to I don't know. Give it to Southwest.

I don't know. Give it to Southwest.

I don't know. Give it to Southwest. I'll fly in it. I don't care if they spy

I'll fly in it. I don't care if they spy

I'll fly in it. I don't care if they spy on me. What are you going to do? Find

on me. What are you going to do? Find

on me. What are you going to do? Find out I'm watching my own movies on the

out I'm watching my own movies on the

out I'm watching my own movies on the entertainment system?

entertainment system?

entertainment system? >> [cheering]

>> [cheering]

>> [cheering] [applause]

[applause]

[applause] >> I'm not ashamed.

>> I'm not ashamed.

>> I'm not ashamed. I'm great in them.

I'm great in them.

I'm great in them. Let's move on from this story about a

Let's move on from this story about a

Let's move on from this story about a thing that looked cool but turned out to

thing that looked cool but turned out to

thing that looked cool but turned out to be a bit shady to something completely

be a bit shady to something completely

be a bit shady to something completely different. Grant Planter. You remember

different. Grant Planter. You remember

different. Grant Planter. You remember You remember Grant Planter, the Senate

You remember Grant Planter, the Senate

You remember Grant Planter, the Senate candidate who had a nat Nazi tattoo a

candidate who had a nat Nazi tattoo a

candidate who had a nat Nazi tattoo a cheating scandal and tons of offensive

cheating scandal and tons of offensive

cheating scandal and tons of offensive Reddit posts.

Reddit posts.

Reddit posts. Well, brace yourself because something

Well, brace yourself because something

Well, brace yourself because something bad came up about it.

bad came up about it.

bad came up about it. >> Overnight in the most closely watched

>> Overnight in the most closely watched

>> Overnight in the most closely watched Senate race in the nation Maine Democrat

Senate race in the nation Maine Democrat

Senate race in the nation Maine Democrat grand planner scandal-plagued campaign

grand planner scandal-plagued campaign

grand planner scandal-plagued campaign coming to a dramatic end. The

coming to a dramatic end. The

coming to a dramatic end. The announcement following an arduous 3-day

announcement following an arduous 3-day

announcement following an arduous 3-day collapse of platner's candidacy after an

collapse of platner's candidacy after an

collapse of platner's candidacy after an ex-girlfriend accused him of sexual

ex-girlfriend accused him of sexual

ex-girlfriend accused him of sexual assault which he denies.

assault which he denies.

assault which he denies. >> This is incredibly difficult because

>> This is incredibly difficult because

>> This is incredibly difficult because I know that some will think it's an

I know that some will think it's an

I know that some will think it's an admission of guilt and it most certainly

admission of guilt and it most certainly

admission of guilt and it most certainly is not.

>> Okay,

>> Okay,

>> Okay, I mean it is a little suspicious.

I mean it is a little suspicious.

I mean it is a little suspicious. It's like being at a party where the

It's like being at a party where the

It's like being at a party where the toilet's overflowing and all of a sudden

toilet's overflowing and all of a sudden

toilet's overflowing and all of a sudden I'm like, okay everyone I have to leave

I'm like, okay everyone I have to leave

I'm like, okay everyone I have to leave immediately.

No one read into this, please.

No one read into this, please.

No one read into this, please. Obviously platner had to drop out once

Obviously platner had to drop out once

Obviously platner had to drop out once there was credible sexual assault

there was credible sexual assault

there was credible sexual assault allegations. I mean at that point the

allegations. I mean at that point the

allegations. I mean at that point the only person in Maine who might still

only person in Maine who might still

only person in Maine who might still vote for him is Susan Collins. The

vote for him is Susan Collins. The

vote for him is Susan Collins. The question is how could this happen? How

question is how could this happen? How

question is how could this happen? How could the people in Maine have picked

could the people in Maine have picked

could the people in Maine have picked this guy to run in the first place?

this guy to run in the first place?

this guy to run in the first place? >> He was picked to run not by people in

>> He was picked to run not by people in

>> He was picked to run not by people in Maine or from Maine but by consultants

Maine or from Maine but by consultants

Maine or from Maine but by consultants for highly progressive movements. The

for highly progressive movements. The

for highly progressive movements. The initial head hunters Dan Moraff and

initial head hunters Dan Moraff and

initial head hunters Dan Moraff and Leanne Fan told Mr. Platner he was the

Leanne Fan told Mr. Platner he was the

Leanne Fan told Mr. Platner he was the one a hero of the movement.

one a hero of the movement.

one a hero of the movement. >> I think it was the spring of 2025 and we

>> I think it was the spring of 2025 and we

>> I think it was the spring of 2025 and we went through thousands and thousands of

went through thousands and thousands of

went through thousands and thousands of prospects.

>> [laughter]

>> Is is this guy going through puberty in

>> Is is this guy going through puberty in

>> Is is this guy going through puberty in real time?

real time?

real time? >> [cheering]

>> [cheering]

>> [cheering] >> But hey growing up McLovin and uh

>> But hey growing up McLovin and uh

>> But hey growing up McLovin and uh the lady who runs a cat cafe uh

the lady who runs a cat cafe uh

the lady who runs a cat cafe uh they're they're they're professionals,

they're they're they're professionals,

they're they're they're professionals, right?

right?

right? How did they [\h__\h] the bed so hard?

How did they [\h__\h] the bed so hard?

How did they [\h__\h] the bed so hard? >> At this point, you hadn't vetted Garam

>> At this point, you hadn't vetted Garam

>> At this point, you hadn't vetted Garam Planer. You hadn't done a full scrub of

Planer. You hadn't done a full scrub of

Planer. You hadn't done a full scrub of who he is.

who he is.

who he is. How did you go about vetting him?

How did you go about vetting him?

How did you go about vetting him? >> [laughter]

>> [laughter]

>> [laughter] >> And why did you

>> And why did you

>> And why did you >> Uh we paid uh yeah, we

>> How were these people the kingmakers?

>> How were these people the kingmakers?

>> How were these people the kingmakers? >> [laughter]

>> [laughter]

>> [laughter] >> This is why we need to stop taking

>> This is why we need to stop taking

>> This is why we need to stop taking political advice from Dungeons and

political advice from Dungeons and

political advice from Dungeons and Dragons polycules.

Dragons polycules.

Dragons polycules. These Napoleon Dynamite-looking dorks

These Napoleon Dynamite-looking dorks

These Napoleon Dynamite-looking dorks were so excited to find someone who

were so excited to find someone who

were so excited to find someone who looked like an authentic Maine man, they

looked like an authentic Maine man, they

looked like an authentic Maine man, they failed to do their due diligence. But

failed to do their due diligence. But

failed to do their due diligence. But however Platner got there, now he's

however Platner got there, now he's

however Platner got there, now he's officially out. The best thing he can do

officially out. The best thing he can do

officially out. The best thing he can do is step aside and get out of the way.

is step aside and get out of the way.

is step aside and get out of the way. >> Now reports say the disgraced candidate

>> Now reports say the disgraced candidate

>> Now reports say the disgraced candidate wants to help pick his replacement.

wants to help pick his replacement.

wants to help pick his replacement. >> I'm not trying to dictate to anyone who

>> I'm not trying to dictate to anyone who

>> I'm not trying to dictate to anyone who it should be or how we get there, but I

it should be or how we get there, but I

it should be or how we get there, but I will say this, it needs to be reflecting

will say this, it needs to be reflecting

will say this, it needs to be reflecting the will and the values of the people

the will and the values of the people

the will and the values of the people that built this movement.

that built this movement.

that built this movement. >> Okay, buddy, you've done enough, okay?

>> Okay, buddy, you've done enough, okay?

>> Okay, buddy, you've done enough, okay? That's not really up to you. You didn't

That's not really up to you. You didn't

That's not really up to you. You didn't even have the job. You were You were an

even have the job. You were You were an

even have the job. You were You were an applicant.

applicant.

applicant. Okay? When I blew my interview with

Okay? When I blew my interview with

Okay? When I blew my interview with Orange Julius in high school,

>> [applause]

>> [applause]

>> [applause] [cheering]

[cheering]

[cheering] >> YEAH, I

>> YEAH, I

>> YEAH, I >> [applause]

>> [applause]

>> [applause] [cheering]

[cheering]

[cheering] >> I DIDN'T STICK AROUND to tell the

>> I DIDN'T STICK AROUND to tell the

>> I DIDN'T STICK AROUND to tell the manager, "Okay, fine, I'm leaving, but

manager, "Okay, fine, I'm leaving, but

manager, "Okay, fine, I'm leaving, but you have to hire someone as edgy as me."

But look, don't worry, there's tons of

But look, don't worry, there's tons of

But look, don't worry, there's tons of qualified people from Maine. And I know

qualified people from Maine. And I know

qualified people from Maine. And I know just the perfect guy.

just the perfect guy.

just the perfect guy. >> Actor and Maine native Patrick Dempsey

>> Actor and Maine native Patrick Dempsey

>> Actor and Maine native Patrick Dempsey said he seriously considered a bid, but

said he seriously considered a bid, but

said he seriously considered a bid, but decided he does not want to serve IN

decided he does not want to serve IN

decided he does not want to serve IN CONGRESS.

CONGRESS.

CONGRESS. >> TOUGH.

THAT WAS MY ONLY IDEA.

I can't believe a rich actor who's so

I can't believe a rich actor who's so

I can't believe a rich actor who's so handsome that people literally call him

handsome that people literally call him

handsome that people literally call him McDreamy doesn't want to be a senator.

McDreamy doesn't want to be a senator.

McDreamy doesn't want to be a senator. >> [laughter]

>> [laughter]

>> [laughter] >> Seems like an awesome opportunity to

>> Seems like an awesome opportunity to

>> Seems like an awesome opportunity to make less money while also having to

make less money while also having to

make less money while also having to talk to Jon Fetterman about ocean

talk to Jon Fetterman about ocean

talk to Jon Fetterman about ocean fishing rights.

All right, Maine. There's got to be

All right, Maine. There's got to be

All right, Maine. There's got to be another option. What else you got?

another option. What else you got?

another option. What else you got? >> Democrats are already jumping into the

>> Democrats are already jumping into the

>> Democrats are already jumping into the race to replace Plathner, including

race to replace Plathner, including

race to replace Plathner, including Maine Beer Company founder Dan Kleeven

Maine Beer Company founder Dan Kleeven

Maine Beer Company founder Dan Kleeven and Troy Jackson, a logger who served in

and Troy Jackson, a logger who served in

and Troy Jackson, a logger who served in the state senate.

the state senate.

the state senate. >> Oh man, a beer brewer and a logger?

>> Oh man, a beer brewer and a logger?

>> Oh man, a beer brewer and a logger? Jesus, everyone in Maine is so rugged.

Jesus, everyone in Maine is so rugged.

Jesus, everyone in Maine is so rugged. Why don't they just run a lobster who

Why don't they just run a lobster who

Why don't they just run a lobster who does drywall?

does drywall?

does drywall? >> [laughter]

>> [laughter]

>> [laughter] >> For more on the Democratic search to

>> For more on the Democratic search to

>> For more on the Democratic search to replace Grant Plathner, let's go live to

replace Grant Plathner, let's go live to

replace Grant Plathner, let's go live to Maine with senior political

Maine with senior political

Maine with senior political correspondent DESI LYDIC.

correspondent DESI LYDIC.

>> [cheering]

>> DESI.

>> DESI.

>> DESI. >> [applause]

>> [applause]

>> [applause] >> DESI.

>> DESI.

>> DESI. DESI, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

DESI, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

DESI, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? >> Tell you what I'm doing, brah. I'm in

>> Tell you what I'm doing, brah. I'm in

>> Tell you what I'm doing, brah. I'm in Maine announcing my candidacy FOR THE

Maine announcing my candidacy FOR THE

Maine announcing my candidacy FOR THE SENATE.

>> [cheering]

>> [cheering]

>> [cheering] >> YEAH!

>> YEAH, BUT WHY ARE YOU DRESSED like that?

>> YEAH, BUT WHY ARE YOU DRESSED like that?

>> YEAH, BUT WHY ARE YOU DRESSED like that? >> Well, broski, it seems to me that

>> Well, broski, it seems to me that

>> Well, broski, it seems to me that Democratic consultants just want someone

Democratic consultants just want someone

Democratic consultants just want someone stereotypically masculine instead of you

stereotypically masculine instead of you

stereotypically masculine instead of you know, someone who's actually good. So, I

know, someone who's actually good. So, I

know, someone who's actually good. So, I said, "Fuck it, I'm in. Let's go hunt

said, "Fuck it, I'm in. Let's go hunt

said, "Fuck it, I'm in. Let's go hunt MOOSE AND JACK OFF."

MOOSE AND JACK OFF."

MOOSE AND JACK OFF." >> [cheering]

>> [cheering]

>> [cheering] >> NO, DON'T

>> NO, DON'T

>> NO, DON'T >> YEAH!

>> YEAH!

>> YEAH! >> [applause]

>> [applause]

>> [applause] >> DESI, THIS IS RIDICULOUS. What Democrats

>> DESI, THIS IS RIDICULOUS. What Democrats

>> DESI, THIS IS RIDICULOUS. What Democrats need are policy ideas. And besides, I

need are policy ideas. And besides, I

need are policy ideas. And besides, I don't think you're capturing the nuances

don't think you're capturing the nuances

don't think you're capturing the nuances of true masculinity.

of true masculinity.

of true masculinity. >> It's not what your mom said last NIGHT,

>> It's not what your mom said last NIGHT,

>> It's not what your mom said last NIGHT, [\h__\h]

[\h__\h]

[\h__\h] >> OH!

>> OH!

>> OH! >> [cheering]

>> [cheering]

>> [cheering] >> OH!

>> OKAY. OKAY, YEAH, THAT'S ACTUALLY PRETTY

>> OKAY. OKAY, YEAH, THAT'S ACTUALLY PRETTY

>> OKAY. OKAY, YEAH, THAT'S ACTUALLY PRETTY CLOSE. OKAY, you

CLOSE. OKAY, you

CLOSE. OKAY, you >> [laughter]

>> [laughter]

>> [laughter] >> Damn straight. Now, let's win this

>> Damn straight. Now, let's win this

>> Damn straight. Now, let's win this election so I can FIRE UP THE GRILL AND

election so I can FIRE UP THE GRILL AND

election so I can FIRE UP THE GRILL AND JACK OFF.

>> [applause]

>> [applause]

>> [applause] >> OKAY, HOLD UP. You still need a

>> OKAY, HOLD UP. You still need a

>> OKAY, HOLD UP. You still need a platform. What What are you even running

platform. What What are you even running

platform. What What are you even running on?

on?

on? >> Uh, great question, brofessor. I'll tell

>> Uh, great question, brofessor. I'll tell

>> Uh, great question, brofessor. I'll tell you what I told the folks at the lumber

you what I told the folks at the lumber

you what I told the folks at the lumber yard. We need to lower prices. Us dudes

yard. We need to lower prices. Us dudes

yard. We need to lower prices. Us dudes are getting crushed by the cost of

are getting crushed by the cost of

are getting crushed by the cost of chips, dip, toilet paper for our sloppy

chips, dip, toilet paper for our sloppy

chips, dip, toilet paper for our sloppy dumps.

dumps.

dumps. You know what I'm talking about, Ronnie.

You know what I'm talking about, Ronnie.

You know what I'm talking about, Ronnie. Let's get CRUNK AND JACK OFF.

Let's get CRUNK AND JACK OFF.

Let's get CRUNK AND JACK OFF. >> OKAY.

>> OKAY.

>> OKAY. NO. NO.

NO. NO.

NO. NO. STOP. STOP SAYING THAT.

STOP. STOP SAYING THAT.

STOP. STOP SAYING THAT. >> Can't help it. I love tugging on my

>> Can't help it. I love tugging on my

>> Can't help it. I love tugging on my penis.

penis.

penis. >> [laughter]

>> [laughter]

>> [laughter] >> My dick's redder than a boiled lobster

>> My dick's redder than a boiled lobster

>> My dick's redder than a boiled lobster off my fishing

>> Wait, so

>> Wait, so

>> Wait, so do you work at a lumber yard or on a

do you work at a lumber yard or on a

do you work at a lumber yard or on a fishing boat?

fishing boat?

fishing boat? >> YES. I do all the manly jobs that

>> YES. I do all the manly jobs that

>> YES. I do all the manly jobs that somehow make me electable. Beer brewing,

somehow make me electable. Beer brewing,

somehow make me electable. Beer brewing, tree punching, restocking Boondock

tree punching, restocking Boondock

tree punching, restocking Boondock Saints DVDs. And the only payment I take

Saints DVDs. And the only payment I take

Saints DVDs. And the only payment I take is a good old-fashioned handshake. Also,

is a good old-fashioned handshake. Also,

is a good old-fashioned handshake. Also, Bitcoin.

Bitcoin.

Bitcoin. >> Okay.

>> Okay.

>> Okay. Okay. Okay, we get it. You're manly.

Okay. Okay, we get it. You're manly.

Okay. Okay, we get it. You're manly. But, that doesn't make you a good

But, that doesn't make you a good

But, that doesn't make you a good candidate. Maine voters deserve someone

candidate. Maine voters deserve someone

candidate. Maine voters deserve someone serious.

serious.

serious. >> Hey, I am serious. Like every manly man,

>> Hey, I am serious. Like every manly man,

>> Hey, I am serious. Like every manly man, all my emotions are bottled up. I bury

all my emotions are bottled up. I bury

all my emotions are bottled up. I bury my trauma and vulnerabilities deep down

my trauma and vulnerabilities deep down

my trauma and vulnerabilities deep down inside where my inner child hides. Just

inside where my inner child hides. Just

inside where my inner child hides. Just building a wall around my heart so the

building a wall around my heart so the

building a wall around my heart so the only time that I can even feel anything

only time that I can even feel anything

only time that I can even feel anything anything at all IS WHEN I'M JACKING OFF.

anything at all IS WHEN I'M JACKING OFF.

anything at all IS WHEN I'M JACKING OFF. MAN STYLE.

MAN STYLE.

MAN STYLE. >> [cheering]

>> [cheering]

>> [cheering] >> WHERE ARE ALL THE KLEENEX, BOYS?

>> WHERE ARE ALL THE KLEENEX, BOYS?

>> WHERE ARE ALL THE KLEENEX, BOYS? >> [applause]

>> DESI, THERE IS NO WAY voters are going

>> DESI, THERE IS NO WAY voters are going

>> DESI, THERE IS NO WAY voters are going to fall for this, okay? They can see

to fall for this, okay? They can see

to fall for this, okay? They can see right through what you're doing.

right through what you're doing.

right through what you're doing. >> Oh, oh, is that right? Guess what? I'm

>> Oh, oh, is that right? Guess what? I'm

>> Oh, oh, is that right? Guess what? I'm already up 40 POINTS IN THE POLLS.

already up 40 POINTS IN THE POLLS.

already up 40 POINTS IN THE POLLS. >> WHAT?

>> WHAT?

>> WHAT? >> [cheering]

>> EAT IT.

>> EAT IT.

>> EAT IT. >> [applause]

>> [applause]

>> [applause] >> HOLY [\h__\h] I GUESS voters really do just

>> HOLY [\h__\h] I GUESS voters really do just

>> HOLY [\h__\h] I GUESS voters really do just want hollow male stereotypes.

want hollow male stereotypes.

want hollow male stereotypes. >> Yeah, that's right. Hey, Ronnie.

>> Yeah, that's right. Hey, Ronnie.

>> Yeah, that's right. Hey, Ronnie. Do you like apples?

Do you like apples?

Do you like apples? Well, HOW DO YOU LIKE JACK

Well, HOW DO YOU LIKE JACK

Well, HOW DO YOU LIKE JACK >> OKAY, STOP SAYING THAT.

>> OKAY, STOP SAYING THAT.

>> OKAY, STOP SAYING THAT. Stop saying that.

Stop saying that.

Stop saying that. >> Remember [applause] to vote, everyone.

>> Remember [applause] to vote, everyone.

>> Remember [applause] to vote, everyone. >> Okay, Desi lied to everyone.