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President Trump is addressing the nation

President Trump is addressing the nation

President Trump is addressing the nation tonight, and because we tape earlier in

tonight, and because we tape earlier in

tonight, and because we tape earlier in the day, we don't know yet what he's

the day, we don't know yet what he's

the day, we don't know yet what he's going to say or which museum will be

going to say or which museum will be

going to say or which museum will be putting his name on. But, come on,

putting his name on. But, come on,

putting his name on. But, come on, Museum of African-American History and

Museum of African-American History and

Museum of African-American History and Culture.

But, there is one person who does know

But, there is one person who does know

But, there is one person who does know what's in the speech, and he sure is

what's in the speech, and he sure is

what's in the speech, and he sure is making the most of it.

making the most of it.

making the most of it. >> Trump's long-time teleprompter operator

>> Trump's long-time teleprompter operator

>> Trump's long-time teleprompter operator is accused of using inside knowledge to

is accused of using inside knowledge to

is accused of using inside knowledge to cash in on prediction markets, allegedly

cash in on prediction markets, allegedly

cash in on prediction markets, allegedly making more than a hundred thousand

making more than a hundred thousand

making more than a hundred thousand dollars by betting on what the president

dollars by betting on what the president

dollars by betting on what the president would or would not say.

would or would not say.

would or would not say. >> Honestly, respect. You know what I'm

>> Honestly, respect. You know what I'm

>> Honestly, respect. You know what I'm saying?

saying?

saying? Oh, I know people are going to say it's

Oh, I know people are going to say it's

Oh, I know people are going to say it's cheating if he knows what words are in

cheating if he knows what words are in

cheating if he knows what words are in the prompter, but with Trump, that's not

the prompter, but with Trump, that's not

the prompter, but with Trump, that's not a sure thing.

a sure thing.

a sure thing. For example, let's say he puts a bet

For example, let's say he puts a bet

For example, let's say he puts a bet down that Trump is going to read the

down that Trump is going to read the

down that Trump is going to read the word magnificent in a speech.

word magnificent in a speech.

word magnificent in a speech. >> And just across the bridge in front of

>> And just across the bridge in front of

>> And just across the bridge in front of Arlington Cemetery, we're building a

Arlington Cemetery, we're building a

Arlington Cemetery, we're building a magnifice- really beautiful.

magnifice- really beautiful.

magnifice- really beautiful. >> Does that count?

>> Does that count?

>> Does that count? Does that count?

Does that count?

Does that count? >> [laughter]

>> [laughter]

>> [laughter] >> I hope it does cuz I put a 200 large on

>> I hope it does cuz I put a 200 large on

>> I hope it does cuz I put a 200 large on it.

it.

it. Now, obviously, using a teleprompter to

Now, obviously, using a teleprompter to

Now, obviously, using a teleprompter to win bets is a recipe for trouble. I

win bets is a recipe for trouble. I

win bets is a recipe for trouble. I mean, I read from a prompter, and I know

mean, I read from a prompter, and I know

mean, I read from a prompter, and I know our operator would never purple bananas

our operator would never purple bananas

our operator would never purple bananas purple bananas purple bananas. GOD DAMN

purple bananas purple bananas. GOD DAMN

purple bananas purple bananas. GOD DAMN IT, CHRISTINA.

BUT, I assume Trump is cool with this. I

BUT, I assume Trump is cool with this. I

BUT, I assume Trump is cool with this. I mean, game recognize game.

mean, game recognize game.

mean, game recognize game. >> He's on unpaid administrative leave

>> He's on unpaid administrative leave

>> He's on unpaid administrative leave right now. There are very strict ethical

right now. There are very strict ethical

right now. There are very strict ethical guidelines here at the White House.

>> But,

did she just say there are very strict

did she just say there are very strict

did she just say there are very strict ethical guidelines at the White House?

ethical guidelines at the White House?

ethical guidelines at the White House? This is like claiming that Love Island

This is like claiming that Love Island

This is like claiming that Love Island has a dress code.

has a dress code.

has a dress code. Nice try.

Nice try.

Nice try. Let's move on to someone in the West

Let's move on to someone in the West

Let's move on to someone in the West Wing who's slightly less important than

Wing who's slightly less important than

Wing who's slightly less important than the prompter guy, J.D. Vance, vice

the prompter guy, J.D. Vance, vice

the prompter guy, J.D. Vance, vice president and the weak link in your

president and the weak link in your

president and the weak link in your improv group.

improv group.

improv group. He's been on the podcast circuit lately

He's been on the podcast circuit lately

He's been on the podcast circuit lately to plug his memoir and share a bit about

to plug his memoir and share a bit about

to plug his memoir and share a bit about himself, but I feel like he's

himself, but I feel like he's

himself, but I feel like he's oversharing.

oversharing.

oversharing. >> The thing I couldn't get over Biden is

>> The thing I couldn't get over Biden is

>> The thing I couldn't get over Biden is the way that he ate ice cream.

the way that he ate ice cream.

the way that he ate ice cream. I mean, it's like, you know, we could

I mean, it's like, you know, we could

I mean, it's like, you know, we could bring some of this stuff up, but it's

bring some of this stuff up, but it's

bring some of this stuff up, but it's like they would get him eating ice cream

like they would get him eating ice cream

like they would get him eating ice cream in the most ridiculous suggestive way

in the most ridiculous suggestive way

in the most ridiculous suggestive way imaginable.

imaginable.

imaginable. >> Suggestive? I mean,

>> Suggestive? I mean,

>> Suggestive? I mean, I remember seeing Joe Biden eating ice

I remember seeing Joe Biden eating ice

I remember seeing Joe Biden eating ice cream, but I remember pitching a tent

cream, but I remember pitching a tent

cream, but I remember pitching a tent over it. I

Do you ever meet someone with a kink and

Do you ever meet someone with a kink and

Do you ever meet someone with a kink and they assume you have it, too? Man.

they assume you have it, too? Man.

they assume you have it, too? Man. Man, look at that goat just teasing us.

But if you actually look at Joe Biden

But if you actually look at Joe Biden

But if you actually look at Joe Biden eating ice cream, there's nothing

eating ice cream, there's nothing

eating ice cream, there's nothing suggestive about it. I mean, look at

suggestive about it. I mean, look at

suggestive about it. I mean, look at this. The man uses his teeth.

this. The man uses his teeth.

this. The man uses his teeth. He's biting IT LIKE A SHARK.

EITHER J.D. VANCE DOESN'T know what he's

EITHER J.D. VANCE DOESN'T know what he's

EITHER J.D. VANCE DOESN'T know what he's talking about, or I've been giving blow

talking about, or I've been giving blow

talking about, or I've been giving blow jobs wrong THIS WHOLE TIME.

>> [cheering and applause]

>> BUT ROCKY ROAD ISN'T VANCE'S only sexual

>> BUT ROCKY ROAD ISN'T VANCE'S only sexual

>> BUT ROCKY ROAD ISN'T VANCE'S only sexual food hangup. You know how politicians

food hangup. You know how politicians

food hangup. You know how politicians are always being photographed awkwardly

are always being photographed awkwardly

are always being photographed awkwardly eating food at a state fair? J.D. is not

eating food at a state fair? J.D. is not

eating food at a state fair? J.D. is not going to let that happen to him.

going to let that happen to him.

going to let that happen to him. >> You'd have to be a very manly man to be

>> You'd have to be a very manly man to be

>> You'd have to be a very manly man to be able to eat a confidently confidently

able to eat a confidently confidently

able to eat a confidently confidently eat a corn dog.

eat a corn dog.

eat a corn dog. >> I don't know that I could do it, Joe.

>> I don't know that I could do it, Joe.

>> I don't know that I could do it, Joe. >> I eat them. They're good.

>> I eat them. They're good.

>> I eat them. They're good. >> Yeah, but

>> Yeah, but

>> Yeah, but >> They taste good.

>> They taste good.

>> They taste good. >> Are you photo- I love corn dogs.

>> Are you photo- I love corn dogs.

>> Are you photo- I love corn dogs. >> I try I try to eat my corn dogs. That's

>> I try I try to eat my corn dogs. That's

>> I try I try to eat my corn dogs. That's between That's between me and my uh my

between That's between me and my uh my

between That's between me and my uh my kitchen.

>> That's between you and your kitchen?

>> That's between you and your kitchen?

>> That's between you and your kitchen? Yeah, that's right. J.D.'s not one of

Yeah, that's right. J.D.'s not one of

Yeah, that's right. J.D.'s not one of those losers eating corn dogs in public.

those losers eating corn dogs in public.

those losers eating corn dogs in public. He's eating his corn dogs alone over his

He's eating his corn dogs alone over his

He's eating his corn dogs alone over his sink in the dark. Who's making a fool of

sink in the dark. Who's making a fool of

sink in the dark. Who's making a fool of himself now?

Why do you have this gay panic, dude?

Why do you have this gay panic, dude?

Why do you have this gay panic, dude? Nobody's going to think the corn dog is

Nobody's going to think the corn dog is

Nobody's going to think the corn dog is a penis.

a penis.

a penis. I mean, it's a hot dog, so there is some

I mean, it's a hot dog, so there is some

I mean, it's a hot dog, so there is some rat penis in there, but it's not like in

rat penis in there, but it's not like in

rat penis in there, but it's not like in a gay way.

a gay way.

a gay way. But J.D. Vance wasn't just there to list

But J.D. Vance wasn't just there to list

But J.D. Vance wasn't just there to list his top 10 most arousing foods. He also

his top 10 most arousing foods. He also

his top 10 most arousing foods. He also clued Joe Rogan in on the US strategy

clued Joe Rogan in on the US strategy

clued Joe Rogan in on the US strategy for the war in Iran.

for the war in Iran.

for the war in Iran. >> We're not just going to do something

>> We're not just going to do something

>> We're not just going to do something open-ended indefinitely. We're not just

open-ended indefinitely. We're not just

open-ended indefinitely. We're not just going to bomb and bomb and bomb. We're

going to bomb and bomb and bomb. We're

going to bomb and bomb and bomb. We're going to try to use our military force

going to try to use our military force

going to try to use our military force as one of the many tools that we have to

as one of the many tools that we have to

as one of the many tools that we have to solve the problem.

solve the problem.

solve the problem. >> Yeah. Yeah, I love that. Our military

>> Yeah. Yeah, I love that. Our military

>> Yeah. Yeah, I love that. Our military shouldn't just be used to bomb without

shouldn't just be used to bomb without

shouldn't just be used to bomb without any strategy. Great idea, J.D. Oh, quick

any strategy. Great idea, J.D. Oh, quick

any strategy. Great idea, J.D. Oh, quick suggestion. Instead of flying to Austin

suggestion. Instead of flying to Austin

suggestion. Instead of flying to Austin to tell it to this podcaster, why don't

to tell it to this podcaster, why don't

to tell it to this podcaster, why don't you walk down the hall and tell it to

you walk down the hall and tell it to

you walk down the hall and tell it to your boss, the president of THE UNITED

your boss, the president of THE UNITED

your boss, the president of THE UNITED STATES?

STATES?

STATES? >> [cheering]

[applause]

[applause]

[applause] [cheering]

>> BECAUSE SO FAR, HIS STRATEGY is bomb,

>> BECAUSE SO FAR, HIS STRATEGY is bomb,

>> BECAUSE SO FAR, HIS STRATEGY is bomb, and I like your strategy of don't do

and I like your strategy of don't do

and I like your strategy of don't do bomb, which I hope is for strategic

bomb, which I hope is for strategic

bomb, which I hope is for strategic reasons and not just because the shape

reasons and not just because the shape

reasons and not just because the shape of a missile makes you uncomfortably

of a missile makes you uncomfortably

of a missile makes you uncomfortably horny.

horny.

horny. Now, you might be wondering, does this

Now, you might be wondering, does this

Now, you might be wondering, does this guy even know that he's the vice

guy even know that he's the vice

guy even know that he's the vice president? Don't worry, he knows.

president? Don't worry, he knows.

president? Don't worry, he knows. >> Like, my life is

>> Like, my life is

>> Like, my life is dude, totally transformed.

dude, totally transformed.

>> [snorts]

>> [snorts] >> I don't go to the grocery store anymore.

>> I don't go to the grocery store anymore.

>> I don't go to the grocery store anymore. People go to the grocery store for me.

People go to the grocery store for me.

People go to the grocery store for me. >> Dude, that's awesome. Um

>> Dude, that's awesome. Um

>> Dude, that's awesome. Um >> [laughter]

>> [laughter]

>> [laughter] >> maybe you should go to the grocery

>> maybe you should go to the grocery

>> maybe you should go to the grocery store. You might learn some stuff. Like,

store. You might learn some stuff. Like,

store. You might learn some stuff. Like, oh, we're being is always $85? No, they

oh, we're being is always $85? No, they

oh, we're being is always $85? No, they weren't.

weren't.

weren't. And it's actually your job to fix it.

And it's actually your job to fix it.

And it's actually your job to fix it. But still, the vice president wants

But still, the vice president wants

But still, the vice president wants people to know that even though he

people to know that even though he

people to know that even though he doesn't do his own grocery shopping,

doesn't do his own grocery shopping,

doesn't do his own grocery shopping, he's still J.D. from the block.

he's still J.D. from the block.

he's still J.D. from the block. >> But it can become the sort of thing that

>> But it can become the sort of thing that

>> But it can become the sort of thing that if you internalize it, you start to be

if you internalize it, you start to be

if you internalize it, you start to be an entitled

an entitled

an entitled >> Yeah.

>> Yeah.

>> Yeah. >> Yeah. You see, he's self-aware. Don't

>> Yeah. You see, he's self-aware. Don't

>> Yeah. You see, he's self-aware. Don't forget, this

forget, this

forget, this this guy is from rural Ohio. He grew up

this guy is from rural Ohio. He grew up

this guy is from rural Ohio. He grew up poor. So, he's not about to exploit his

poor. So, he's not about to exploit his

poor. So, he's not about to exploit his new-found privilege at taxpayers'

new-found privilege at taxpayers'

new-found privilege at taxpayers' expense, right?

expense, right?

expense, right? Right?

Right?

Right? >> [laughter]

>> [laughter]

>> [laughter] >> Right?

>> Right?

>> Right? >> Some of the Secret Service agents

>> Some of the Secret Service agents

>> Some of the Secret Service agents assigned to protect Vice President J.D.

assigned to protect Vice President J.D.

assigned to protect Vice President J.D. Vance say they're quote fed up with his

Vance say they're quote fed up with his

Vance say they're quote fed up with his personal and family travel requests.

personal and family travel requests.

personal and family travel requests. >> Just last Thursday, the family demanded

>> Just last Thursday, the family demanded

>> Just last Thursday, the family demanded that agents join a military helicopter

that agents join a military helicopter

that agents join a military helicopter crew to fly his young son to his golf

crew to fly his young son to his golf

crew to fly his young son to his golf lesson across town. They have also used

lesson across town. They have also used

lesson across town. They have also used the choppers to house hunts in Virginia.

the choppers to house hunts in Virginia.

the choppers to house hunts in Virginia. >> All right.

>> All right.

>> All right. Now, first off, if you're trying to get

Now, first off, if you're trying to get

Now, first off, if you're trying to get the best deal on a new house, maybe

the best deal on a new house, maybe

the best deal on a new house, maybe don't show up in a helicopter.

don't show up in a helicopter.

don't show up in a helicopter. I CAN'T GO OVER 1.5. MONEY'S TIGHT. I

I CAN'T GO OVER 1.5. MONEY'S TIGHT. I

I CAN'T GO OVER 1.5. MONEY'S TIGHT. I SAID MONEY IS TIGHT.

IT'S THE SECRET SERVICE WHO BLEW THE

IT'S THE SECRET SERVICE WHO BLEW THE

IT'S THE SECRET SERVICE WHO BLEW THE WHISTLE. Do you know how overbearing you

WHISTLE. Do you know how overbearing you

WHISTLE. Do you know how overbearing you have to be if the people who signed up

have to be if the people who signed up

have to be if the people who signed up to take a bullet for you are like,

to take a bullet for you are like,

to take a bullet for you are like, "Woof, this guy is a diva."

Let's move on to Pete Hegseth, Secretary

Let's move on to Pete Hegseth, Secretary

Let's move on to Pete Hegseth, Secretary of Defense and the personification of

of Defense and the personification of

of Defense and the personification of suns out, guns out.

suns out, guns out.

suns out, guns out. Because he has nothing else going on

Because he has nothing else going on

Because he has nothing else going on right now, he came out with an important

right now, he came out with an important

right now, he came out with an important message for the troops.

message for the troops.

message for the troops. >> We have the most elite warriors on the

>> We have the most elite warriors on the

>> We have the most elite warriors on the face of the earth. While we invest

face of the earth. While we invest

face of the earth. While we invest heavily in our weapon systems,

heavily in our weapon systems,

heavily in our weapon systems, platforms, and gear, our most decisive

platforms, and gear, our most decisive

platforms, and gear, our most decisive tactical advantage will always be the

tactical advantage will always be the

tactical advantage will always be the individual warfighter. We have a sacred

individual warfighter. We have a sacred

individual warfighter. We have a sacred duty to maintain that advantage, which

duty to maintain that advantage, which

duty to maintain that advantage, which is why we must constantly look for new

is why we must constantly look for new

is why we must constantly look for new ways to optimize your performance, your

ways to optimize your performance, your

ways to optimize your performance, your resilience, and your long-term health.

resilience, and your long-term health.

resilience, and your long-term health. >> Awesome. And I thought this guy was just

>> Awesome. And I thought this guy was just

>> Awesome. And I thought this guy was just a walking word salad of military

a walking word salad of military

a walking word salad of military cliches, but no, he cares about the

cliches, but no, he cares about the

cliches, but no, he cares about the troops. And there's so much to do. We

troops. And there's so much to do. We

troops. And there's so much to do. We could fix the VA, give our troops some

could fix the VA, give our troops some

could fix the VA, give our troops some mental health care. For once, I could

mental health care. For once, I could

mental health care. For once, I could feel good about where our money is

feel good about where our money is

feel good about where our money is going. So, what's the priority here,

going. So, what's the priority here,

going. So, what's the priority here, Petey?

Petey?

Petey? >> Today, I'm authorizing a new screening

>> Today, I'm authorizing a new screening

>> Today, I'm authorizing a new screening program for testosterone deficiency for

program for testosterone deficiency for

program for testosterone deficiency for our servicemen, ensuring you have the

our servicemen, ensuring you have the

our servicemen, ensuring you have the right testosterone levels to operate at

right testosterone levels to operate at

right testosterone levels to operate at your absolute best.

your absolute best.

your absolute best. >> Hell yeah.

>> Hell yeah.

>> Hell yeah. This Secretary of War

This Secretary of War

This Secretary of War ups policy a lot. It's kind of a

ups policy a lot. It's kind of a

ups policy a lot. It's kind of a problem. So wait, am I understanding

problem. So wait, am I understanding

problem. So wait, am I understanding this correctly? He thinks the biggest

this correctly? He thinks the biggest

this correctly? He thinks the biggest problem facing troops is low T? Wait,

problem facing troops is low T? Wait,

problem facing troops is low T? Wait, are the Marines pulling the trigger with

are the Marines pulling the trigger with

are the Marines pulling the trigger with their rock hard

You know, every time you look at what

You know, every time you look at what

You know, every time you look at what this administration is up to, you always

this administration is up to, you always

this administration is up to, you always find the most insane combination of

find the most insane combination of

find the most insane combination of audacity and stupidity. But after all

audacity and stupidity. But after all

audacity and stupidity. But after all this time, I do think there's something

this time, I do think there's something

this time, I do think there's something we can do about it. All it takes is

we can do about it. All it takes is

we can do about it. All it takes is purple bananas, purple bananas, purple

purple bananas, purple bananas, purple

purple bananas, purple bananas, purple bananas.