Original subtitles

She filed a sexual harassment suit against the network. I assume you're

talking about Carol. You totally brought this on yourself. You took this

wonderful relationship and you absolutely wrecked it. She really cared

for you. You were the first boss that actually made her happy. Here's to the

untitled Matt LeBlanc pilot.

He's got to have read it by now.

He's like a goldfish. The minute we leave his field of vision, he forgets we

exist.

I just heard from Roger.

And? He spoke to Matt.

And? He's passing.

When did this happen?

Right after he read it.

He passed.

He passed. He was the one who begged us to write his bloody show, and he passed.

I know.

So what do we do?

Is that even a question?

Yes, it is.

We are not just giving up. Look, he obviously has some issues with the

script. Maybe try and find out what they are.

How are we supposed to do that?

He hasn't answered one text, one email. So we go and talk to him. Oh, no. No,

no, no.

All right, no need to drop an octave. No, so long as we still have an ounce of

pride. We're not going to nibble over to him. Oh, Matt, how did our work fall

short of your expectations?

Please, tell us what your needs are so that we can fulfil them.

It's worth a try.

Hello. Hey, haven't seen you guys in a while.

Oh, no, we're not on the list today.

Oh, well, if you're not on the list... Right, maybe you could give Matt the

system. Christina. Sure, hang on.

Don't... Hmm, we're here.

You won't turn us away.

He's not. It's too awkward. You'll see.

You'll see. You know, you're not always right.

You're often right, but not always. I'm not enjoying this conversation.

Who's him? It's their royal highnesses.

Come here.

Sorry, she says it's not a good time for him.

No, I did not see that coming.

Not a good time for her.

Look, he's about to do a show. Maybe he's actually got something. He's mad.

Would you please stop defending him? He's a little shit.

I always liked you. I'm not saying he's not a little shit. I'm just giving him

the benefit of... No, don't. He is...

Selfish, hurtful, poor excuse for a human being, and he knows I'll say it to

his face.

The Highnesses are with me.

Yeah?

It's me.

Got a quick question.

It's open.

What? My question is, is this as awkward as I'm hoping?

Hey.

It is.

How's it going?

How's it going?

On a scale of one to ten, I'd say it's what the fuck.

Right.

The radio silence has been a bit deafening. Look, I got a show right now.

Could we maybe do this a little later?

Well, that's okay. I'll tell him to hold.

Have fun.

Look, Roger was supposed to call.

What's her name and explain?

Yes, well, all we heard is that you're passing.

Yeah, that's pretty much it.

What does that even mean, you're passing? You're our bloody co-creator.

Not to repeat myself, but what the fuck? Okay, obviously you have a problem with

the script.

Obviously. Why didn't you just call us?

Because I wanted to avoid this.

Okay, well, we're here now and we're grown-ups, so we can take it. Suzy, can

we not do this now? Let's. Just tell us what your issues are.

It wasn't great.

Well, that was worth 45 minutes on the 405.

What about it wasn't great?

I don't know. It was just... I know it's hard to articulate. Anything.

Any specifics you can give us will be really helpful.

Okay.

The dialogue seemed forced.

The story sounded good when you picked it, but after I read it, it felt

contrived. I couldn't empathize with the characters. The relationship between

Dick and his son didn't feel organic.

There was no tension, and I didn't care what happened to them.

See, this is why I didn't want to do this.

Okay, okay, well... Um, I know it doesn't feel like it, but some of those

things are eminently solvable.

Yeah, remember that stupid pig?

Up at the ranch.

At a certain point, you just gotta let it die.

I'm saying we haven't reached that point. Our pig is still breathing.

I don't know.

What don't you know?

I've, uh, kind of moved on.

What does that mean?

I'm kind of doing another show.

You're what?

Yeah.

We're ready for you. Thanks.

I gotta go. It's a big night. We're bringing the llama back.

What do you mean you're doing another show?

Yeah, the one where I'm a hitman in Florida with my mother. The one you said

you hated?

Well, the script came out pretty good and the network's really hot on it. So

you're already committed to it?

Kind of.

Our bodies aren't even cold yet.

It's pilot season.

They had someone else they were talking to, they put a clock on it. And you

didn't even have the decency, the human decency to tell us, I didn't want to do

this. That's what we have people for. There is a huge difference between

having people and being people.

You have failed spectacularly at the second one. Susie, can we not do this

now? You realize... You

realize...

that you were the one who convinced us to leave our show.

Yes, it had its problems, but at least we had a show.

Now we have nothing. What are we supposed to do?

I don't know. Go home.

You always say you hate it here.

Well, so now you're throwing us out of your country. What happened to the

gorilla? Oh, you can keep that. That was for you. No, not the actual gorilla.

You were supposed to be our gorilla. You said you'd protect us. I am protecting

you. If that script went on the air, it would have killed your careers.

What careers?

You duplicitous lump of fuckery.

Don't try to pretend you're doing it for us. We're ready to start.

Give him another minute or two.

Look, I wanted to love it. I fucking wanted it to be great.

But it's not.

You know, the truly remarkable thing...

is that I didn't see any of this coming, given that every shitty thing that's

happened to us since we got here comes back to you. Here we go. From ruining

Lyman's boys, to getting us to leave opposite, to fucking my wife.

The one good thing that's come out of this is that finally he can see you for

who you are.

You have no loyalty.

People are disposable to you.

That you were on a show called Friends is so beyond ironic.

You know what?

You don't need to play your father.

You are your father.

Okay. I've narrowed it down to these three. I want something that says, I'm a

professional, but also... I'm a victim. How about the black one and a rape

whistle? Also, it should be hot enough that you'd believe she went after me,

but not so hot that I might have seduced her.

Uh-huh. Oh, and I want something a little lesbian-y, but also

soft enough that you'd believe it was my first time down there.

Right. I think you're going to have to wear a coming-of-age novel.

What? You're asking the impossible from a dress.

Look, I've never been to a deposition. I assume they last for hours. Just pick

something that's comfortable and doesn't show sweat stains.

Fine. Just answer me this.

I don't want to show the baby bump, do I? Not unless you're prepared to explain

how she knocked you up.

I am so dreading this.

More important than the dress, have you thought about what you're going to say?

I don't know. I'm just going to...

Tell what happened.

Right, but I think you should be ready for the kinds of questions.

Like?

Mithran. Oh, so we're doing this now.

Is this the first employer that you've had a relationship with? They don't know

that. Tell a no so they know. Answer the question, please.

No, it's not the first.

How many of your former bosses have you had affairs with? I don't remember. How

many? Three. Oh, four.

Five. Five.

So, you were really an old hand at this.

One could almost call it a pattern.

Why are you pacing? No one paces. They're just in chair. So the

consequences should not have been surprising to you at all. Isn't that

true? Are you on? You have to be ready for this. Answer the question.

What was the question? Who initiated the relationship, you or Mrs. Bash? It was

kind of mutual.

Mutual? More her, I guess. Did you try and stop her? Uh, maybe. Did you? No.

Did you encourage her? No. Is this the first time that you've ever been with a

woman? Yes. Was it?

Okay, once at theater camp.

It was at the cast party for You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown. She was Lucy, I

was Patty, and we were both really, really stoned. Really?

Oh, fuck.

I'm gonna fry.

You're right.

It's not good.

I know.

How far are you?

Further than I want to be.

How did we not realise?

It's like those capri pants you had when we first met.

You thought you looked so... We agreed we'd never discuss the capri pants.

Your little ankle.

Like a hairy Jackie Onassis vine.

We will recover from this.

I know.

Actually, I don't know, but I'm sure you're right.

You always are.

Oh, I just got to the thing in the park.

Stop. I can't.

Well, if you need a distraction.

What?

Oh.

I'm sorry. Right now I'm feeling rather inconsolable.

Although you're welcome to try.

Turned on by my hairy Jackie O ankles.

They're all I can think about.

You're up early.

Never went to sleep.

Seriously?

Clearly I was missed.

Between the Ambien and the Chardonnay, be happy I'm alive.

What are you doing?

Writing.

Darling, let it go. It's the one thing you said that's true.

Let the pig die.

It's something new.

Really?

Can I see?

Er, no. No, it's too soon.

All right.

No, no.

Fine, whenever you're ready. Now, read it now.

Oh, my.

Write what you know.

Which bit?

How good.

This is exciting.

Yes?

I am very happy. Good.

I'm going to sleep. Your turn.

Oh, my God.

Do you know how wet my hands are?

Okay. Seriously, be on time, Susie.

I know what wet feels like.

Sorry. I don't want to mess up my suit. That's fine. I'm here for you and your

glands.

Why am I putting myself through this?

Judd, keep telling yourself it's for the baby.

It's for the baby's house, it's for the baby's college fund.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's so you can buy dope again. Yeah.

Hopefully there'll be a little left over for the baby's therapist.

Oh, God. Oh, God. What?

The stairs. Don't look. I said don't look.

Calm down.

Take a breath.

Is she looking? You just said don't look.

Why is she here?

They said she wasn't going to be here. Well, obviously, they were wrong.

I'm not going to throw up. You are not going to throw up. So press on me.

Act like we're talking.

Applesauce. Applesauce. Applesauce. What?

Applesauce. Applesauce. Applesauce.

She's almost at the lift.

Hang in there.

I really think I'm going to throw up. Really, really?

I never thought.

Uh, the ladies' room?

We're standing up.

Breathe.

There we go. Very good.

We're walking.

We're walking.

Is she still there?

I don't know. I'm not looking. I'm going to look.

Do not look. I'm looking.

Yes, you saw me looking. Don't you knock me.

Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Do you still need to throw up? Maybe.

No, I'm okay.

Holy shit.

Listen to me.

The worst is over. You saw her. She saw you. You didn't burst into tears or

burst into flames. You are stronger than you think you are.

We need to talk.

Are you all right in there?

Fine.

I'm going to go.

No.

Wildly uncomfortable.

As you should be.

So, uh, Matt's doing that Hitman thing.

What happened there?

Oh, not worth going into.

Okay.

Dawn and I started something new.

Uh-huh. For us?

Possibly. Good, good.

I don't want to pre-sell it, but I think... Seriously? Sorry.

Do you want it to talk?

Should I go, or...? Yeah.

Go.

I'm good. You sure?

Mm-hmm.

All right, here.

I'll be right outside.

Hold her if you need me.

Okay, look.

No, you look.

Two of us. went into this thing, but only one of us still has a job. Only one

of us got to go on with her life like nothing ever happened.

Wait. No, you. I didn't deserve this. You're right.

Yeah, I am.

All the shit that went down, that's on me.

Yep. Mm-hmm.

I got nuts.

I was like a thick fucking fuck.

I swear to God, I look back and I'm like, I finally started seeing this

shrink. Little late.

Probably. Anyway, she seemed smart. I don't know.

Mostly we talk about you.

Good.

Even she couldn't believe some of the shit I pulled. She said, that's what I

do when I'm in love. Some kind of abandonment thing and all kinds of crap

with my father.

You were in love?

Oh, come on.

Really?

Nope. Yeah, you did.

You never said it. But you knew it. I did not. Come on. Of course I love you.

Love. Love.

Duh.

Duh.

Fine.

Love.

Really? I miss you so fucking much. I miss you too.

Can you keep talking?

I'm never going to be able to pee if you're both listening.

Sorry.

Better? Thank you.

I think about you all the time.

I think about you, too. Oh, my God. I can't even sleep in my bed anymore. It's

too depressing.

That makes me so happy.

And then that fucking movie Carol came out. I mean, seriously?

Those two women, and it's so hot, and it's called Carol.

It fucking killed me.

Aw.

I thought it was kind of slow. It was slow.

Yeah.

I never gave you back one of your T-shirts.

It still smells like you. Like in a gross way? No. Not in a gross way.

Which one?

The blue James Kirk?

Oh, Jesus.

I've been looking all over for that.

You want it back? No.

You sure?

I mean, if you want it.

Wait. What?

Oh, I need a mint.

You're fine. Really?

Not vomiting? No.

I have a mint.

Thank you.

No. No, it wouldn't be like... No, I can't.

You wrecked me.

I'm so fucking sorry.

Look, if I could undo everything, but if there's any way to let me show you that

I don't have to do that... Oh, fuck it.

All right.

But if... If he opens the door again... Oh, please.

Let's open the door. Open the door!

Not you!

If... Right? We are going to take it slow.

Absolutely. Slow.

None of this... We're moving in. We're getting a dog.

Totally. Slow.

Slow.

We don't even have to sleep together until... I'm not saying that.

So this is happening?

Slowly. But happening.

But happening.

Also, there's one other thing you should know.

We're having a baby!

Just so so what?

Congratulations!

Coming! We look forward.

Maniacs seldom knock.

Hey.

Always look.

This is for you.

You know what it is? I'm not doing this. Come on.

What is it? No.

Maybe in the light.

How about now?

Some kind of snake thing.

No. A chocolate Mr. Whippy. I don't know who that is. No.

And it's not a snake thing?

No.

See, this is what I was afraid of. I told Christina they're not going to know

what it is, and you can't believe what it fucking costs to make.

Good. I hope you wasted a lot of money.

It's a turd.

You made us a turd? Yeah.

It's like the gorilla, only I'm not a gorilla.

Turns out I'm a piece of shit.

Didn't need an upholstered poo to tell us that.

I'm a piece of shit, and I'm sorry. You are a sorry piece of shit. I know. I

know.

I can't stop thinking about that thing you said about me being like my father,

and I fucking hate it.

Touched a nerve, did we? My father walked out on us, and what did I do?

I fucking walked out on you.

I didn't know if you were headed back home or not, but I had to see you before

you go.

And for whatever it's worth, you were right.

This is how I feel.

There you go.

I'm sorry.

You read all these scripts. Oh, so what?

Oh, my God. You've got to let me play this guy.

Have you? No shame.

I can't even. This needs to be a much bigger piece of shit.

Look, I really do feel bad about what happened.

Honest. Honest, like when you said you thought we were going home, even when

you already knew we were doing the new show.

That was then. It was 30 seconds ago. You've got to let some stuff go. We're

done here. Come on.

This is the show we should have done all along.

How could you possibly think, given everything that's happened?

You have treated us so horrendously, and then you expect us to just take you

back. But that's kind of our thing.

Not a good thing. You're the abusive boyfriend we never had. Calm down.

People break up and get back together all the time. Stupid people.

You guys did. We love each other. And you don't think there's love here? No.

Come on.

A little love?

A little?

A little? Do you honestly believe that you can just bat your eyes and... Turn

on your theoretical, Matt LeBlanc charm and we'll swoon like those idiot girls

you screw.

No!

No? No.

You can try to woo us with all the plushy turds you like.

I'm afraid your shit no longer impresses us.

That's your fake laugh.

See, you guys know me so well.

Look. You want me to read for it? I'll read for it. But I'll tell you right

now, you're not going to do any better. Oh, really?

You'd be surprised at who's already been cast. I know. I heard.

But for this part, I am that guy.

And you knew it when you wrote it.

Look, I know you're pissed.

I'd be pissed at me, too. I was a dick.

But don't punish your show for it.

What about the show you're already doing? Fuck it!

So you're willing to do to that writer what you've just apologised to us for?

This is different.

I have a history with you. There's love here.

I'm telling you, love.

It wouldn't be your production company.

Yeah. You wouldn't even be a producer.

Who wants to be a producer? Neither would Riskin and Shrimpkin or...

Shrimpkin or... That's fine.

I never even met Shrimpkin. It's Simkin! Whatever!

So, what do you say?

Yes!

See? A little love.

A little love. A little love. No, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no!

Get him off me!

no no no